My Husband Admitted To Masturbating, How Do I Get Over The Hurt?

Jay Dee

My Husband Admitted To Masturbating, How Do I Get Over The Hurt?

Oct 15, 2012

If your husband admitted to masturbating, how do you deal with that betrayal? Do you have a right to be angry or hurt? How do you move forward?

Your husband admitted to masturbating. What do you do? How do you deal with that pain?

This post is in response to a comment on the Why Do Married Men Masturbate post where a wife’s husband admitted to masturbating and she’s struggling with how to deal with that revelation.  I’ve copied the comment below for reference.

Thank you for this post. After reading it, something told me I needed to discuss it with my husband. I found out that my husband has been masturbating. He says it has only been when it has been a while since we were able to have sex. (Like when I have really bad periods lasting like 7 days) On average my husband and I have sex 2 sometimes 3 times a week. I actually thought we were getting closer sexually and the “quality” of sex was much better. So when I asked him, I made sure I was very graceful, understanding, and not judgmental.  He says that he always felt very ashamed after. I’m so conflicted now and I don’t know what to do or say. I made sure to make love to my husband after our conversation to show him that I still love him, but I feel so hurt. I have asked him in the past and apparently, he lied. He says he does not use porn, but how do I know this is true? How do I know if he is addicted or it’s just because we didn’t have sex enough? Can a man not make it without sex 7-10 days every once and a while? I realize he was not cheating on me with someone else, but I still feel very hurt by this. How do I move past this? Is this just something women have to learn to deal with?

-Chrissy

Thank you for your comment!  I have a few thoughts:

1. First, congratulations are in order!

You have made a huge breakthrough in your marriage.  You sound like your focusing too much on the negative.  Don’t get me wrong, you have valid concerns.  However, you’re ignoring the positive.  Your husband has just shared something very personal and very scary.  The fact that he’s decided now to answer truthfully means his trust in you is at an all-time high. He feels safe enough to tell you this, and that is amazing.  I would say many marriages never reach this point.  So, take heart, this is a good thing that you’ve gotten through this.  I know it hurts right now and is uncomfortable, but growing rarely is comfortable.

2. It is completely valid that you feel hurt and upset

He’s been hiding a part of himself from you and that’s never a fun thing to learn.  I think you need to be open and honest back with your husband.  He needs to know your hurting so he can help you through this.  Don’t sugarcoat it, but don’t just “unleash” on him either.  Sit down, alone, and have a good, adult conversation about your feelings.  Ask your questions and share your concerns.  After that, try to move past the pain and focus on the new intimacy.  Create a new level of transparency in your marriage.

I’m so glad you were able to approach him lovingly and show that you accepted him afterwards by having sex.  I hope you were both able to have a bonding experience in that act.  You have probably ensured, by doing that, that he will continue to open up more and more to you. You’ve shown him that he’s safe with you and your reactions.

3. How do you know he’s not using porn?

Short answer: you don’t.  If you trust your husband, you have to accept what he says.  Either he’s telling you the truth, or he’s telling you he doesn’t feel safe enough to tackle his porn addiction yet.  In the latter case (which isn’t a sure thing), he needs time to open up more.  He just took a huge step, don’t expect him to take another right away. If you want, ask him again in a year, or sooner if you have another huge breakthrough in your marriage.  Don’t ask him every week or every month.  You will just be telling him you don’t trust his word, and he won’t feel safe, and then you’ll never find out.  Again, I want to re-iterate, he might not be using porn, so don’t focus on it, just trust him and love him.

4. Can men go without sex for 7-10 days?

Yes, we can...  Do they want to?  Most don’t.  Does it hurt too? For most, yes:  some physically, most emotionally.  If you haven’t already, I encourage you to read the post Is Sex A Need Or A Want.  It might shed some light on the subject.  Without sex, men start to feel alone and unloved very quickly.  For me, after a week, I’m fairly miserable.

5. Is this something women just have to deal with?

Introduction to Talking Dirty for Christian couples

If you mean their husbands masturbating alone, no, I don’t think so.  Why not invite him to masturbate with you/in your presence?  This is going to be uncomfortable if you’ve never done it as well.  In fact, he may not be able to orgasm the first time or the first few times.  It’s very different having sex with someone and masturbating in front of someone.  To help, be as involved as you can.  Talk to him, kiss him, rub him, have him take short breaks so you can give him oral sex.  Tell him you want to see him orgasm/cum/ejaculate/whatever words you use.

If you aren’t comfortable talking during sex, then check out our guide to talking dirty in our store, or on Amazon.

Some guys really get off on the idea of ejaculating on their partners.  If he’s into that, encourage it, so long as you’re OK with it.  If not, I suggest reading the post How To Spice Up Your Sex Life and evaluating your boundaries.   This way, he can stop being ashamed of masturbating, because you’ll be involved and encouraging him.  You can still connect, he gets that oxytocin burst with you present, so he bonds to you.  And you can keep your sexual relationship alive and even growing during times you can’t have sex.

Sorry if this seems very male-focused, but it’s due to the topic we’re dealing with.  I don’t know how you deal with menstruation, but there is no reason you can’t have an orgasm during this play either if you so desire.

I hope that helps.  These are the things that helped me when I was struggling with masturbation and porn.  Not to say your husband is, struggling with porn, just IF he is, this will help that too.  Knowing that my wife was available to lean on, if I needed it, made a huge difference.

6. It is hard to stop masturbating because it’s so easy to do

With masturbation, there’s no fear of rejection, no worry about a partner’s satisfaction.  It’s pretty much guaranteed to end in orgasm and a lot faster than a sexual encounter with a spouse.  It’s no wonder people don’t like to give it up.  But, it’s missing that connection.  And while you say you know it’s not cheating, to me, I always felt like it was cheating a little bit.

We were designed to share our sexuality exclusively with our spouses.  Whenever we step outside of that I believe God will try to convict us because it is not in His plan.  I believe it’s harming marriages.  So, I understand his shame, and I understand your hurt.  You are going through the same feelings my wife and I did, and you can get through them.  When you do, the intimacy and openness on the other side are amazing.  I would not trade it and go back to masturbation or porn for anything.

Anyone else been through this that can offer advice?  Or if you’re going through this, do you have any questions I didn’t address?

If you have questions about masturbation in marriage, you might be interested in these:

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