Can you divorce a spouse because of porn use?

Jay Dee

Can you divorce a spouse because of porn use?

Aug 07, 2015

This question came up in a discussion with some readers: If a spouse, after given an ultimatum about quitting porn, chooses the porn, is it okay to divorce them?  The questioner basically gave the answer I would, but I wanted to expand a bit on

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Can you divorce a spouse because of porn useThis question came up in a discussion with some readers: If a spouse, after given an ultimatum about quitting porn, chooses the porn, is it okay to divorce them?  The questioner basically gave the answer I would, but I wanted to expand a bit on it, so, with her permission, this post is my answer.

First off, I should make it clear that in my mind, watching porn is a form of adultery in my mind, based on:

But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:28

Some will say that they watch porn without lust or that they’re substituting their spouse, or blah blah blah, but I don’t buy it.  That’s like saying you slept with someone else, but were only thinking of your spouse at the time, and so it’s okay.  That’s just ridiculous.  Oh, and having permission doesn’t work either.

So, let’s say your spouse is watching porn.  You know it, either by catching them, or they’ve admitted it.  So you confront them on it.

First off, I think giving an ultimatum is not a good first step.  I’ve heard many wives say that if they caught their husband watching porn, they’d divorce him on the spot.  Frankly, I think that says more about their character than anything else.  I think it shows a lack of compassion, forgiveness and a willingness to stick to your vows.  It’s also a bit naive considering over 90% of men have seen porn at some point in their life.  If you’re a wife who has said they’d divorce their husband for watching porn…well, you better hope he’s in that < 10%.  Of course, the genders could be reversed, I’ve just never heard it from a husband, and I’m not sure of the current statistic for women (but I know it’s growing).

Instead, I think Matthew 18 is a good guideline:

“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. – Matthew 18:15-17

In other words, confront your spouse.  Tell them you know they are watching porn, how it’s hurting you, that it’s wrong, and ask them to stop.  If they don’t, call someone else in and confront them.  Ideally someone your spouse trusts and respects.  Perhaps an elder if need be.  If they still won’t listen, then it should be brought to the church, by whatever method your church handles such concerns.

The idea is to hopefully show them how serious an issue it is.  That it’s not just the hurt spouse that is upset and perhaps biased, but that the church does not approve of this behavior.  However, if the spouse still continues in their sin, in defiance, then I think the church has no choice but to take measures and remove him from fellowship, should he be a member.  Unfortunately, I know some churches will not take these measures.  They’re too afraid of what people will think, and so they shrink back from the responsibility given to them.  But, should they do their job, and the spouse who chose porn is removed from membership, to be treated as an unbeliever.  This leaves their spouse in a difficult position. Do they stay with a spouse who has chosen porn over her, or leave?

The Bible gives two answers:

But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery. – Matthew 5:32

Of course, this is the verse everyone loves to waves around.  Sadly, it’s been used to say you SHOULD divorce in the case of adultery, instead of saying it is PERMISSIBLE to divorce, and as Paul says:

“Everything is permissible,” but not everything is helpful. “Everything is permissible,” but not everything builds up. – 1 Corinthians 10:23

To contrast this we have another verse to take into consideration:

But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? – 1 Corinthians 7:12-16

This verse is a direct call NOT to divorce.

So, then we have a verse telling us not to divorce an unbeliever (whom we can’t expect to hold to God’s standards), and yet another that allows one to divorce in the case of adultery.  How do we reconcile these?

 

I think the story of Hosea is the answer.  While this book talks about the relationship between God and His people, I think we can extrapolate and see some parallels here.  Hosea is told by God to marry a prostitute, who continually goes out, sleeps with other men, and has their children, which Hosea raises.  She comes home, Hosea cleans her up, and she’s back out again.  In the end, God tells Him that it’s okay.  Give up, Hosea tried, he did his job, he gave every effort to love his wife, despite her rejection of him.  But Hosea decides to stick it out, solely because God decided to wait for His bride.  In the end, Hosea ends up buying His wife back from slavers, and she finally stays with him.

So, from this I take it that the direction not to divorce is the primary command.  You should make all efforts to repair the relationship, to continue to love, if possible.  However, if you’ve tried, if you cannot continue, if it’s destroying you, then, it is permissible to divorce, as an absolutely last resort.  Not as the threat of an ultimatum, but as a final loving gesture.  Sort of an “If I stay here, I’m going to kill you, or it’s going to kill me, so I have to leave”.

That’s what I believe anyways.  What about you?

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25 thoughts on “Can you divorce a spouse because of porn use?”

  1. Keelie Reason says:

    I think many times, people are way too quick to throw the divorce card and will use whatever they have to in order to get out of the marriage. I see people who hit a tough patch in their marriage for just a few short weeks, and then they start looking for an out. It takes months if not years before a person might have a heart change. Where’s the longevity? I’m not saying that if you have a spouse that won’t give up porn that severe actions don’t need to be taken. I just wonder if the marriage was already in a really bad place if the wife is ready to give it up. Just a thought.

  2. Teri says:

    I have been living this story for 23 years. I have discussed, yelled, gone to therapy. It seems hopeless. In the beginning it was “normal” , “all men do it”. I explained in excruciating detail how much it hurts me. My husband always has an excuse, even today. Why is deceit and lying always so acceptable? What about wives who have affairs to “get even”.
    Today, I’m not sure what the answer is but I appreciate the article and the opportunity to vent.

  3. Melissa says:

    First, thank you for addressing this topic. It is a difficult one. I would also like to loving say that if you believe the Bible, then you either believe it 100% or not at all, so, in that vein, please, take into consideration Eph 4:29 (NIV)
    “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

    Now, specifically about this topic, I have dealt with this issue with my own Husband for over 12 years now. It was an issue he had prior to our relationship. Please, understand that the pornography use is a symptom and not a cause. There is a deeper issue going on underneath. For my Husband, his root issue is his hatred of women, due to abandonment issues from an adoption, as well as abuse issues from his adoptive mother, so he uses pornography to “escape” by not allowing himself to be “too vulnerable” with another female (i.e., me and every other woman in his life). I told my Husand years ago that I love him no matter where this (addiction) takes us, and I’m not going anywhere (i.e., divorce is off the table). I have confronted him multiple times with the same result of “Yeah, I won’t do that again” to find that he would do it again and again. His addiction evolved to a place that was a bit scary to me a month ago, so I asked for some godly guidance, because I was also feeling a pull to do Matthew 18, as things were not changing. I, eventually, decided to explain to my husband that if he did not find a godly man to talk with on a regular basis about these issues, then I was seriously considering separating and truly did not want to separate. (Ultimatum). I was ready to separate, but, please, know that divorce was never apart of that equation; just a time of separation. He has since found someone to talk with, and I am trusting the Holy Spirit to continue to work on softening his heart. It has been a very painful journey and will continue to be, but God has done some amazing things through it in him, as well as me. God Bless!!

    1. Karen says:

      I totally agree it is a symptom of a deeper issue! It is definitely an addiction that started as a coping mechanism, and needs to be treated as such. I am with you and wouldn’t divorce either. I think addiction falls under “in sickness and in health.” You are a strong woman, Melissa!

      1. Melissa says:

        Thank you for the words of encouragement, Karen! It is hard. We, as Believers, were never given the promise that life would be easy. Paul actually warned us that marriage would be very hard and full of difficulties. I have come to realize that I am not battling alone but through the power that Christ gave me through His Spirit, and that same Spirit is inside my Husband, so as long as their is breath of life, then there is hope. Blessings!!

  4. Karen says:

    GREAT answer, Jay! I think that is where I fall too. I personally would not divorce over the issue, but I would fight like hell and would separate if it came to that. It is not even about the good of the wife as much as the good of the husband. If he claims to be a Christian, porn is damaging to his relationship with God and his witness. I think Satan has succeeded in limiting so many godly men through their sinful sexual addictions. I would do whatever it takes to get through to him that this is NOT okay, and am thankful to be a part of a church that WOULD discipline for unrepentant porn use.

    I don’t know if my friend brought the issue before her church. My guess is she didn’t. Her father is a prominent member of our tight-knit Christian community and in their view, it would probably be more of a public disgrace to admit and deal with the porn addiction than it would be to quietly divorce over the issue. How sad is that??

    I think this is one of many times that doing the right thing is the much harder thing. Staying is harder. But just imagine what would happen if he were to come around eventually, even years later, because of his wife’s persistent refusal to accept this addiction! For him to be free of that? They’d have a ton of baggage to work through, but I bet a marriage like that would be rock solid.

    1. PatriotMom Rachel says:

      The problem is when a husband insists there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just a tool, and has been progressively getting into more and more hardcore stuff. I think it’s wrong to stay in a marriage like that. If you are saying that “doing the right thing” means always staying, no matter what, I disagree.

      If someone defiles the marriage bed, that’s biblical grounds for divorce. I totally believe in redemption, but I also believe that people have choices. It’s not healthy for children to observe a dysfunctional marriage that has been defiled and the husband is not punished in any way. If separation doesn’t bring about repentance, and a pastor counseling him doesn’t, then that man’s heart is hard.

      I would not stay in that. I do not believe that is what God intended, nor is it biblical to be a doormat. That is not what a wife is or a woman. This type of abuse tears at the very fabric of a marriage, and just enables the man to continue with his comfortable marriage AND his sin.

      Better to excommunicate him from your home and family and move on. Of course, if he’s repentant, ther’es hope. But I’ve seen way too many women stay in marriages that were dysfunctional and that was all they ever were. It sets a horrible example for children and the pain ends up manifesting in strange and unhealthy ways in the wife.

      1. Jay Dee says:

        To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

        But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? – 1 Corinthians 7:12-16

        I agree, in cases of abuse, separation must occur in order to seek healing and reconciliation. But divorce literally means you have lost faith in redemption. I don’t think you can claim to believe in redemption if you’re advocating for divorce…

  5. Anonymous says:

    If you interpret Matthew 5:28 literally, then every married male has committed adultery! In turn, this would mean every married woman has a biblical reason for divorcing her husband. I am thankful that my wife of 35 years has not divorced me, even when I have lusted…

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  8. Mike says:

    Why not just make pornography with him? Then it’s not biblical adultery. He can keep watching porn and do self care. Plus you get all the fun of making more porn!

  9. Will says:

    I’m a little bit concerned over what I’m reading here. There needs to be a little bit more study on the issue of divorce, because I’ve heard quite a few things that are VERY incorrect. First off, those who teach the Bible are going to be held to a higher standard than others (James 3:1), so be careful what you write. You will be held accountable to God for it someday (Romans 14:12). Anyways, that’s an important starting point. In Matthew 5:32, the verse you quoted, the word “sexually immoral” is incorrectly translated. The word that should be there, is “fornication” (the Strong’s number is G4202 – https://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?Strongs=G4202&t=KJV). The word fornication is a strictly defined term and it means ALL illicit, sexually unlawful behavior between 2 (or more) people. For example, fondling your boyfriend or girlfriend, physical sex, mutual masturbation, rape, incest, bestiality, homosexuality, etc. When fornication occurs inside a marriage, it’s called adultery. The only lawful sexual behavior is between a husband and a wife, period. In that Matthew 5 passage, the pharisees are seeking to trick Jesus. At the time of that chapter, there were 2 sects, the Pharisees and Sadducees, and they both had ideas on divorce and marriage. They were both extreme ideas and incorrect ideas. The one said that NO ONE could divorce their spouse for any reason, and the other said that you COULD divorce your spouse for ANY reason, not just sexuality. They referenced the law of Moses (Deut. 24:1-5) in their test, and Jesus aptly explained what Moses was saying. Moses referenced indecency or some improper behavior. The obvious understanding their (and also understood in other passages) is that he was referencing fornication. How do I know he wasn’t referencing pornography usage, or private masturbation? Well, there’s a few reasons. 1) Matthew 5:32 is very explicit, 2) there was no internet pornography during that time, or any porn for that matter (at least like we understand it today, and certainly not as prolific), 3) there are references to notable fornicators like Esau elsewhere in the Scriptures. There are other reasons, but those are the biggest ones I believe. It all seems to indicate, that Moses was referencing fornication, exclusively.

    About divorce. 1) GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU TO GET A DIVORCE (Malachi 2:16). He has ALLOWED it due to the HARDNESS of our hearts (Mt. 19:8). 2) God ALLOWS divorce for only 2 reasons: Fornication (un-confessed, pre-marital fornication is also a show stopper here) (Hebrews 13:4, Matthew 19:8-9, Deuteronomy 24:1-5), and if a new believer’s husband or wife can’t stand to live with that person, that person is free, although encouraged to stay with the spouse to win that person over to Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:12-14).

    How to defeat the sin of pornography. Look, I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried to guilt-trip myself, withhold asking God for forgiveness because I figured He hated me. At one point, when I was single, I almost killed myself. I’ve tried to confess my sin to my wife, and through more guilt and suffering, I though I would be able to get out of it. I’ve tried to indulge myself in sexual relations with my wife in attempts to separate myself from it.. All of those paths do not work. There is only one path for the believer, and that is a consistent, DAILY walk with our Savior, nothing else. He actually takes our sin away from us, and develops a new heart within us. It’s an amazing thing. I didn’t understand this for most of my Christian life, but now I do. Every single person who truly wants to escape pornography, has to do this, they cannot do it through other means. Yes, it’s important to have blockers on your computer, to have an accountability partner (your spouse would be a great one), not being alone with a computer in the office or at home, but ultimately you need to walk with Jesus EVERY SINGLE DAY. Begin your day with 30 minutes to an hour of reading the Scriptures (begin in the book of John in the Gospels). Then pray and talk to Jesus. Ask Him to heal your heart and to make you HATE pornography. Ask Him to make you angry at pornography and have an un-dying passion for sex with your wife/husband. He WILL do it!! Ultimately, you’re going to have to confess to using pornography, possibly not to all the gory details of it, but you need to confess the behavior to your spouse.

    Those of you who find your spouse in pornography…. If your first reaction is to divorce that person, you have a promiscuous heart. The heart within you is AS wicked, if not MORE wicked than your spouses. You are called to forgive one another, as Christ forgave you and your sexual sins (AND YOU HAVE SEXUALLY SINNED!) (1 John 1:8-9, 1 Cor. 13). Do you honestly think that God will forgive you your sins if you are unfaithful, and unloving? In fact, if you divorce your husband or wife over pornography, and marry another, or fornicate with another, you are WORSE than he or she!! You have committed Adultery! So.. how do you react to this news of your spouses sin? Well, with grace and love, the way you want God to react to your sins. Then, tell him or her, that you two need to be doing devotions together EVERY SINGLE DAY, and praying 3 times during the day TOGETHER. Morning, lunch, and before you go to bed. Marriage, and sex, are serious issues, and you can have the kind of joy and love in your marriage that you’re seeking, but you must be humble, and loving, like our Savior!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’m honestly not sure what you disagreed with. Seems like you agreed when what I wrote when you list all your points.

  10. Mary says:

    I too have been in a marriage for over 30 years dealing with porn. We have gone through sex addiction counseling, the 12 step program and even read a lot of books over this subject. My husband has never confronted me with his sex addiction. He has always been caught then would be willing to do anything to fix his sex addiction. The last time I found something, I just put it on his night stand for him to see. We still have not talked about this new finding. I feel like there isn’t a cure for his sex addiction. I want to stay together but the lies he tells me over and over again make me so numb to his feelings.

    1. Anonymous says:

      He needs to be in God’s word daily and pray. I have overcome this addiction by doing this daily. He also has to want to stop to make your marriage as God would want it.

  11. PatriotMom Rachel says:

    As the daughter of a pastor who also taught theology at college, I think most of what you are saying is ridiculous. If a man or woman defiles the marriage bed, and they are unrepentant, separate physically – he or she gets kicked out. Then if they are still unrepentant and don’t change anything, leave. It is ridiculous to stay in an unhealthy marriage in which one person ( usually the man) who is unrepentant refuses to change anything.

    God’s plan for marriage was for people to wait to have sex because if women sleep with men beforehand, there is no point to them making a commitment. That’s a big part of it and how we are wired. Same thing applies here – if the husband is hard hearted and unrepentant, how can it be HEALTHY for you to stay in that? It’s amazing to me that anyone could do that.

    It is an abusive situation. It is sinful. By continuing to stay married to a man like that, you are enabling him to continue in his sin. If you have children, how is this healthy for them? What kind of example are you setting for your children by remaining in an unhealthy situation? You need to teach them healthy boundaries by your own example. And how do you know that his addictions are not going to take a more violent turn? A ton of porn is progressively more and more violent and disturbing. Of course, none of it is about sex.

    Jesus never intended for women to just remain in a dysfunctional and unhealthy marriage if the husband is unrepentant – if you have tried talking and praying about it, and you’ve separated physically and your pastor knows (although some are ignorant and think you should just submit, that is NOT biblical and is very harmful thinking), and he just will not get help or he’s unrepentant, Leave. Get a good counselor who is well versed in helping a woman recover from being married to a man with porn addiction, learn what it’s doing to you and why you have no self esteem (enough to leave), and embrace the life that God designed for you. It was NOT to remain in a relationship with a man who is harming you – and porn does harm you. it eats your self esteem and creates mental and emotional anguish like nothing else.

    God hates divorce, so do I, but after witnessing a close friend deal w/this for 20 years, even to the point where he encouraged her to date other people, i pointed out that there WAS no marriage here. He abandoned it years ago, insists there’s nothing wrong with porn, and that he was a Christian….and yet now, he says things like “your” God, as if the one she serves is somehow different than the one he serves. Clearly, he has rationalized his behavior and refuses to change. She had to get a restraining order to get him out, because he wouldn’t leave.

    The dysfunction it has created in their home and the disaster it has created in her life is beyond calculation. This is an educated man who makes $$$$. She can never get those years back. She has developed strange and dysfunctional coping mechanisms, and so have her daughters. It’s an absolute train wreck, and she should have left him years ago so she could have met a man who was addicted to God instead.

    You are living in bondage if you think that God wants you to remain married to someone who is addicted to porn and won’t change. Find out your legal rights. You have a LOT more than you know.

    I am all about redemption. But to turn a blind eye is utterly foolish and solves NOTHING.
    Find a Christian counselor who is trained in helping women recover from being married to a porn addict
    Talk with pastoral care and see if they will support you – if they don’t, perhaps it’s time to find a different church.

    God created you with hope and a future…..He has plans for you, and created you for a purpose – a lot more purpose than to stay in the mud with a man who cares more about his own needs than yours. The only way you can move towards the things God has in store for you is to get out of the pig pen if your husband refuses to change.

    Jesus valued women, and he said – go and sin no more. if your spouse is continuing to sin purposefully like that, it’s time to move on. Shake the dust from your sandals, grieve, get mad because it’s righteous anger, process what you’ve been through with a trained Christian counselor, and move on with your life.

    It’s the right thing to do. You CAN get through it. Sin has painful consequences!! he needs to feel pain, or he won’t change. If separation doesn’t soften his heart, then paying you spousal support might. It’s sad, but guess what ladies, we ALL have free choice.

    Adam didn’t say anything to Eve in the Garden adn he was right there. Sometimes men are weak and just choose stupidity instead of what’s right. If they can’t get it together, it’s time to move on. We are all repsonsible for our choices. You are not going to hell because you divorce an adulterous porn addicted husband who won’t change his ways.

    Divorce is not something to take lightly….but if he will not change and you have honestly tried, and you’ve sought counsel, and tried separation, it’s time to dissolve it and move forward.

    You will find you can live with yourself and discover that you have way more value than he has made you feel. Satan wants you to stay in this miserable condition; God wants you to be free in Him.

    I am so very sorry for all of you who are dealing with this. It’s betrayal in the worst sense, and horrible heartache. I just know that God has better things for those who will trust Him, and I do not for a second believe that it’s His will for you to stay in a marriage like that, because that is NOT what his marriage plan is.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      A few thoughts:
      1) I drives me crazy when people start comments with “I’m a pastor and…” because they’re trying to leverage it to say that they have this special authority or connection to God. As if they are a high class of being. This is the problem with ordination, it promotes the idea of a class-based society of God’s people. Now, in your case, your not even the pastor! You’re the child of one! So you took it a step further and are suggesting that this class-based society should also be inheritable! As if God’s special relationships are bestowed through degrees and then transferred on by blood. And frankly, that sort of thinking makes me sick. So, we’re not starting off on a good foot. But, I’ll do my best to ignore that comment as I continue.
      2) “usually the man” – really? The stats are that 50% of men are addicted, or have been addicted to porn in the church. But somewhere between 16% and 30% of women are admitting to struggling with this too, and I’d be willing to bet the women are less likely to admit this than the men, plus, it’s increasing every yet. There’s not as much of a distance as you think. Plus, if you include romance novels as erotica and in the same category as porn (which it should be), then they’re even closer together. I wouldn’t be making the assumption that it’s “usually the man”.
      3) Yes, there are some difficult cases when the individual is not strong enough to stay. That’s not an insult to them, merely a fact. In those cases, yes, they have to divorce. But, I think these are the rare edge-cases, not the norm. Jesus also said that it was only allowed because our hearts are hard. I think that’s the heart of the one you are suggesting who should leave. We entered the marriage saying it’s a covenant and we will not give up on them. But, if we find we can’t do it, if we cannot keep our covenant, if we cannot forgive…then yes, we can divorce, as a concession. But, in so doing, we fail, just as much as the spouse who watched porn. We both then end up breaking our covenant and deciding not to love each other any more. A very sad state of affairs. But, as you say, it’s an option. “Everything is permissible…”

    2. Donna Marie says:

      Oh my goodness! Praise the Blessed YAHVEH ELOHIM and my Savior Yeshua! I don’t know who you are, sweet blessed child of the Utmost High, but I want to thank you for taking the time to write from a very pure heart, filled with wisdom and truth.
      Your advice is THUS far in these comments, to be the most sincerest, honest and reliable!!
      It is 4:50 a.m. on this Holy Shabbat. I woke at 3a.m. unable to sleep, my heart broken and sick due separating from my unbelieving husband who has been involved with porn that has utterly destroyed our marriage of 17 yrs. Accompanying this has been habitual lying and financial disaster.
      Unfortunately, I listened to the ill advice of nominal “Christian ” counsel years ago, and remained under the premise of “porn” is not actually physical adultry, although I knew deep in my heart they wereally wrong and not truly balanced in understanding the ENTIRETY of Scripture.
      I want share the horrid details that our Heavenly Father exposed, but NOT once, in any of the confrontations, has my husband acknowledged his hideous actions, NOR has he shown sorrow or repented. …he NEVER followed thru with promises to get counsel or seek accountability and he instead abandoned his marriage covenant with me.
      I am now a 53 yr old women, who has been a stay at home wife and homeschooling mother ….and I have no idea what the future holds. …but YAHVEH does! And my dependance on Yeshua our Lovng Savior is so vital without mention.
      The effects if Porn usage is crippling. My husband has not “made love” to me or shown intimacy for 14 yrs….this has been devastating as a woman , as he has violated his vows to nurture and love and “cherish”. Instead, I was replaced with illicit sexual prowess with real women who , as servants of Satan, seduced my husband regularly.
      The effects of porn led to so many other sinful actions that destroyed any trust so necessary for any marriage. ..
      This week, as he was returning from an out of town visit, I packed his belongings, and asked me to meet me at his office after work….he was not expecting to hear what should of been said so many years ago….”I’m done, this ends today! ”
      He was enraged , but I remained confident in YESHUA as I helped unload the SUV of his necessities .
      The “Christian church” has failed miserably in their duties in serving YESHUA in “accountability ” and in counsel to women/marriages facing these sinful issues. The LORD will most assuredly hold them accountable one day, as they have forsaken the totality of HIS WORD. They have NOT counseled correctly.
      I want to share something that most nominal Christian pastors or counselors neglect to understand about Yeshua teachings on grounds for divorce…
      In Yeshua’s day….the Laws of Moses…the pure Torah of YAHVEH were in full effect and everyone was quite familiar with the outcome for someone who committed an act of “ADULTRY”…they were STONED!
      That knowledge in of itself gives any believer clear evidence that YESHUA was addressing the True meaning of HIS teaching to be that of “PORNEA”…which was ANY form of a sexual infraction that defiled the marriage covenant. ….illicit, hideous acts of pornography fall under this category!
      If I was a heartless woman and unwilling to forgive I would NOT have remained .
      I have prayed, cried out to YAHVEH and tpleaded with my husband to seek counsel with me, he has refused… my willingness to remain fueled him to continue. …I have been a coward and enabled him instead of doing in my heart what I knew was necessary so many years ago….SEPARATE
      Today is day 4 of my husband having to sleep on an airmattress at his company warehouse and bathe in a sink..Perhaps this will shock him into the realities of his ongoing sinful choices!
      For 14 yrs he has laughed in my face and mocked YAHVEH and my belief in Yeshua of Natzeret. ..he was raised Jewish… in part he has used porn and lovelessness as a firm of punishing me for my beliefs…
      Today is Shabbat. ..Yeshua said ” I am the LORD of the Sabbath” Whoever the Son sets free is free indeed….today , even though my heart is grieved , I am indeed FREE!

    3. Donna Marie says:

      Patriot mom Rachel,
      I redponded to your post, where you replied to all the othe comments staring thir ridiculous advice ….
      I came upon this post AGAIN tonight and want to mention that YAHVEH ELOHIM, used your post/reply once again! I want to point that my post /reply appears AFTER another Comme t to your post and seems as though I am.blessing her…but in fact it’s YOU!
      TO be honest….as I was reading thru all the comments. …and came upon MY OWN, I was shocked, as I had forgot that I posted a reply!!!
      Lol
      Anyway, my separation was only 4 days out when I was last on this site. …it is now 2 mths since I moved him out….and WOW is all I can say! I immediately felt a tremendous LIFT of oppression..

      I’ve also come to better learn of the more narcissistic and passive aggressive behaviors that have accompanied his porn /sex/lying addictions. ….Ive learned A LOT about the true character associated with this ongoing, unrepentant, rebelliousness….it involves INSOLENT PRIDE , Arrogance, haughty spirit, not to mention the host of other evil principalities that he has carried.. ..the problem that he faces is that he simply refuses to even admit to any of the lies, nevermind addressing the filthy porn that’s considered adulterous!

      I’M not sure if you’ll ever revisit this site to read this, but if you do, know that I’m thanking you for courageously addressing the damaging advice coming from the nominal Christian churches….that is because they lack fullness of knowledge as they do not seek the ENTIRETY of YAHVEH ELOHIM ‘S WORD. ..the TORAH. ..
      Which are the instructions of ALMIGHTY GOD…and too, of Yeshua our Savior of Nazareth

      Blessings and many thanks to you Rachel

      Donna Marie

    4. J says:

      That was tremendously powerful. Thank you patriot mom Rachel for those words. Because of what you wrote it has made me feel like I have hope to be strong again and not feel weak every time I speak to my husband left his sins. I have dealt with 13 years of trying to get him help. I confronted him of his since I’ve caught him in the act and he has gone to the church many times . He has not fixed it. He has been making excuses after excuses for the past 13 years. Because of this it drove me to depression almost to the point to want to kill myself. I had nothing left in me and I was looking for answers ,I was looking for someone to help me. I have family and people who say just to deal with it because were in a marriage and we have to try and make it work I have tried everything I could. I was bullied and I was manipulated in our marriage. That is why I have nothing left in me to try anymore. I want out but I still feel weak that I cannot get up the courage to keep telling him I want to divorce. He knows how I feel about wanting a divorce and he does not want one. He says if I want when I have to take care of that myself. I don’t want a dysfunctional marriage and I believe that no child deserves to be caught up in the middle of something dysfunctional like this. They don’t deserve that. I would rather be happy and the single-parent then unhappy in a dysfunctional marriage and lying to my kids in hiding my true feelings. My older kids see how unhappy I am but I can’t tell them the reason why. I love my kids and I want to protect them from harm. I almost don’t know what to do anymore sometimes I feel like giving up and just staying in a dysfunctional marriage. I don’t believe he can change he was given many opportunities to change his controlling ways. He’s been given time to change his porn addiction.I just don’t know what to do. Thank you for those strong words I feel like it really did help me know that there is hope to be happy again. I want to take these burdens off my shoulders and I do want a divorce. I don’t want to live in a shell and hide behind him.

  12. Velvet says:

    My ex-husband was emotionally abusive and struggled with porn. Once he started downloading and viewing child porn, I filed for divorce.

  13. Pamela Gibbs says:

    Thank you for your thoughts! I am in such a marriage with a husband who lusts after homosexuality. He is unrepentant, will go to church but is not a true believer in my estimation but wont leave me either because he wants to hide his homosexuality to the community. Its all lies lies and more lies and makes me sick.
    He refuses counceling too. I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I have prayed for him for years and asked others to do the same. His first wife divorced him for the same reason. He said he was a Christian when we met and appeared to be for a little while after the marriage until i discovered his gay porn addiction, emails to men he was conversing with as well.
    He treats me terribly, is verbally abusive, never touches me or shows any natural affection towards me unless i initiate it, there has been no sex for a number of years. He also has a problem with alcohol, he binge drinks and becomes even more abusive. I am frightened for my daughter to be witnessing this behavior and as a youg teen how this will effect her life in the long run.
    I am already divorced from my first husband who i had 3 sons with who are now grown due to his sexual immorality and pornography issues.
    If i were able to become financially independant of my present husband i would divorce especially to protect our adopted daughter.
    The doors for me to find employment as a teacher or otherwise to make enough money to live on keep closing for me. So im stuck staying with him because of the money. I feel like i am living as a whore for the money!
    He lies about money and hides it too.If we went to court he would show very little on paper so he wouldnt have to pay me much to live on.
    I have separated from him on several occasions and gone back but nothing ever changes.
    My heart is broken, i am discouraged, I cry out to God for answers and help continually but there is no relief.
    How long does one endure this suffering with no hope of real change/repentance?
    Why isnt God doing something and answering my prayers?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Hi Pamela,

      That’s difficult. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it.

      The biblical counsel is to continue to love him, understanding that he’s a sinner who needs repentance, forgiveness, mercy and love, just like we all do. That said, you also need to love yourself and your daughter, and if he’s abusive, then the most loving thing to do might be to separate. It’s not okay to put yourself or your daughter in harms way.

      Does the church leadership know about the issues? Are they willing to confront him and hold him accountable?

  14. Aura says:

    Patriot mom Rachel you are so right. I agree with every word you said. Staying will destroy you and your kids if you have any. Had the same situation. Made me a wreck. It’s a long journey to recovery but you are worth it.

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