What Is The Number 1 Thing That Turns Husbands Off?

Jay Dee

What Is The Number 1 Thing That Turns Husbands Off?

Oct 13, 2012

Right near the beginning of the Bible, we see exactly what sin would do to marriages and it gives the answer to this question.

This is the thirteenth and final post in the 1/2 Marathon being orchestrated by the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.  I had a bunch of questions left from the A Males Perspective teleconference I spoke at last week.  As such, I used this marathon to answer some of the questions I received and this is the last one.  Please note, these answers are my perspective.  I cannot vouch for all males and when I’m giving my perspective on women, I certainly cannot vouch for all women.  Also, all references to gender traits are based on the average population, there are exceptions of course.  Please do not be offended by these if you are not “neurotypical” for your gender.  So, on to the question:

What is the #1 thing that turns husbands off?

I think the answer to this is predicted in Genesis:

Then he said to the woman,
“I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy,
and in pain you will give birth.
And you will desire to control your husband,
but he will rule over you.”

Genesis 3:16

Now, if you look in your Bible, there is a pretty good chance that your translation doesn’t say “your will desired to control your husband”, but rather “your desire will be for your husband”, which sounds like a good thing.  Wives should desire their husbands, right?  The problem is that Hebrew words seldom mean just the one word we choose in English to represent it.

I this case, the word for desire has the connotation of “desire to control”.

We see the same word in Genesis:

If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin crouches at your door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.

Genesis 4:7

The sin crouching at your door doesn’t desire you in the way a wife should desire her husband, but rather it desires to control you.

This is one of the bigger ways the devil is attempting to destroy our marriages.  This desiring of wives to control their husbands is dangerous, because it attacks a very deep inborn need of men:


The Bible, I believe is pretty clear that there is a hierarchy of submission.  God, husband, wife, children.  This does not mean wives are less valuable than their husbands any more than it means that children as less valuable than their parents.  It does not mean husbands are more important, better at making decisions or in any way unequal as a human to their wives.  What it does mean is that the husband has the responsibility for leading the family.

The best analogy I’ve seen the Captain and First Officer from Star Trek analogy.  The Captain is in charge at the end of the day.  Does the First Officer make decisions?  Of course, she does.  She has a valuable, important role.  Without her, the ship would not function nearly as efficiently and the Captain would be severely hampered in his ability to command.  And when the Captain is unavailable, indisposed, away, the First Officer has all the capabilities to make the decisions the Captain would make if he were present.  In fact, when the Captain is away, the First Officer is traditionally called “Captain” while commanding in his absence.  Both positions command respect, both positions have authority and responsibilities, but the Captain, at the end of the day, has the final say, and final authority, and most importantly, the final responsibility to his entire crew (including himself and the First Officer).    Of course, someone is going to ask what Jesus/God is in this analogy, so we’ll call him Admiral.

So, back to our wives who are desiring to control their husbands.  This curse is the reason the relationship is put into perspective in the New Testament.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Colossians 3:18

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,

1 Peter 3:1

I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.

1 Timothy 2:12

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Titus 2:3-5

The curse was clear, that husbands would rule their wives, but wives would not want to be ruled, and we see society moving in that direction.  You cannot find a sitcom anymore where the husband is the respected leader of the household.  He is constantly put down by his wife, constantly made fun of and emasculated, he begs for sex and rarely receives it unless he has demeaned himself in some way or performed some service to his wife.  Our media is doing its best to bring this curse into full action, of wives controlling their husbands.

And it’s working.  How many marriages do we see where sex is controlled 100% by the wife and she uses this to maintain her headship of the household because the husband is not willing to risk his chance of re-connecting with his wife.  Now, I know this isn’t all households, and the situations can be reversed, but I would argue it is the overwhelming majority, inside and outside of our church congregations.

Now, men are created to be rulers (we were commanded to subdue the earth and to rule over our wives, thus, men are the rulers of creation, subservient to God alone).  And the easiest way to turn him off is to remove that role from him in his very house.

So, if a wife wants her husband to stop asking her for sex, to stop hounding her at night to reconnect physically, then she simply has to disrespect him.  To turn him down for sex constantly, countermand his decisions, flirt with other men in front of him, ignore his leadership, act as if she is the leader of the household, or even that they rule together.

Eventually, he will stop asking for sex … or at least, he’ll stop asking HER for sex.  He’ll find someplace to get respect from a woman because that’s what men were designed for.  And I’m willing to bet, that the woman who gives him the most respect, is the woman he’s going to be turned on by the most and that’s who he’s going to be wanting to have sex with. That doesn’t mean it’s okay for him to act that way, only that it’s the natural outcome.

Men: Do you agree, would a lack of respect turn you away from your spouse?

Women: What are your thoughts on this?  I know this is a touchy subject, and I’d appreciate your feedback.

Looking for help?

40 thoughts on “What Is The Number 1 Thing That Turns Husbands Off?”

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks Jolene

  1. Rena Gunther says:

    Absolutely agree!! Painful truth. Truth we need! THANK YOU!!!

    1. Jay Dee says:


  2. anonymous says:

    Good points, nice to see more then the 1 common verse on sumbission. And i agree, it’s a little hard to hear. I do love the star trek analogy. Perhaps you could make a post on the best ways that a man can earn a womans respect.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Actually, that’s in my list of things to post on. Men can’t assume that this gives them a free ride, they have responsibilities as well!

      1. OKRickety says:

        Jay Dee,
        I’m new to this blog but I hope you never did or ever will make a “post on the best ways that a man can earn a womans respect.” The key problem being the word “earn”. Hopefully, everyone would agree that a wife should not need to earn her husband’s love. In both cases, the Bible places no conditions nor requires any responsibilities on the COMMANDS for the husband to love his wife, and for the wife to respect or submit to her husband. They are to be done unconditionally. Marriage requires commitment. It’s not a quid pro quo arrangement.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I think love is different than respect. We are called to love unconditionally, not necessarily respect unconditionally. Should we show respect – yes, but that’s not quite the same thing. And welcome to the blog!

          1. OKRickety says:

            After reading this post, I’m surprised at your response. I think your perspective is wrong.

            [Eph 5:33 NASB] 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must [see to it] that she respects her husband.

            I read this verse to clearly unconditionally command the husband to love his wife and the wife to respect (or revere in some translations) her husband. Note: I presume you are aware of the book Love and Respect and associated ministry.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              I’m aware it’s a highly controversial book with lots of fans and enemies.

              If I recall, the book was about showing respect more than feeling respect. It’s hard to generate respect for someone without having them earn it. After all, the definition of respect is:

              a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

              It’s based on their actions. In short, it is, by definition, earned.

              Behaving respectfully, showing respect, however does not have that requirement.

              So, what you suggest Paul is saying is actually a logical impossibility, according to the definition of the word.

  3. Overcoming with Love via Facebook says:

    I totally agree with you. Thank you for writing this!

  4. livinginblurredlines says:

    Yes! And sometimes even the best wife may be unknowingly controlling in an area. I thought I was being “every man’s fantasy” when I pursued hubby sexually all the time. Instead, he saw it as selfishness and control. My intent was not that, but rather to have mutual, physical love with hubby. I had to let go and stop initiating all together for a time. Sure , we don’t make love as often as I would like, but when we do it is sooo much better.

    Due to circumstance with hubby’s job, I have a disproportionately large amount of control of the household. I have to be really careful to include hubby, especially when he comes home. A man who has control usurped from him often turns to sin and waste to find some control….it sounds juvenile, but true. Video games let a man conquor and control a fantasy word, for example. While our husbands are responsible for themselves and shouldn’t handle sin with sin, we are responsible for being stumbling blocks, too.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Agreed. I think most men, so long as they respect and can rely on their wives to do a good job would have no trouble “delegating” the large majority of the household stuff to their wife if circumstances take them away from the home for long periods.

      The issue is not that you are doing more in the house than he is, it would be if you “took” those jobs away because he was absent. But if he is aware, and consenting, then I don’t think there is any issue there.

      I don’t know if you watch Star Trek, but there were times where the Captain was away for entire episodes and the First Officer would be in charge. The First Officer wasn’t usurping the position, but instead had the blessing of the Captain, the delegated task of running the ship. And everyone (Captain down to crewman) understood that the Captain was still the Captain, he just couldn’t be there at the moment.

  5. Sex Within Marriage via Facebook says:

    I was expecting some blow back from this one. But perhaps those who disagree just are closing the page instead of discussing it.

  6. Annie says:

    I must admit when I first read this post I was thinking… WHAT? Is this post from a time when the man thumps the woman he wanted over her head then dragged her off to a cave somewhere! But on further reading and understanding I actually totally agree. I have seen so many marriages fail where the woman is in control totally, he is miserable because he is not the ‘MAN’ of the house and she cant understand why she is so unhappy so she will try to take more and more control.

    I do believe it is a 50/50 partnership, we just have different roles. And I guess it is a fine line

    There is nothing sexier than a husband in control, but nothing is more of a turn off than a controlling husband. Same with a wife we are the support and the direction if needed, again without being controlling.

    As much as I am for woman’s rights, but I think sometimes total feminism has a lot to do with failed marriages, we are what God created we cant fight that we can only use we we are given to be the best husband or wife we can be.

    I think my husband is amazing in what he does for it, and I make sure he knows by being the best wife I can be.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thank you for your candor and for being open minded.

      I’m not going to touch the 50/50 partnership but different roles thing, because I think a lot of the time people are just arguing semantics. But I believe God has placed us in different roles.

      And as you said, a controlling husband is no good. Both spouses need to consent to this hierarchy (or these roles, or whatever words allow you to accept it). But our nature will constantly pull us away from acceptance. It will make men roll over and play dead and will make the women try to usurp the role intended for their husbands.

  7. Paul H. Byerly says:

    The Hebrew word tesh-oo-kaw’ is used three times in the Bible. In addition to Genesis 3:16 & 4:7, it is used in SoS 7:10 ” I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.” In that verse I think it very clearly has a sexual meaning.

    Strong’s defines it as:
    desire, longing, craving
    of man for woman
    of woman for man
    of beast to devour

    As with many words, the context is what matters.

    So what about Gen 3:16? If the word is part of the “pain in childbirth” idea, then it makes sense to say “even though childbirth hurts, you will sexually desire him”. If we see the word as being part of the idea that he will rule over her, then there is a case for saying that it’s about wanting to be in control. However, there are some significant problems with this reading, IMHO. A good study on this is found at http://bit.ly/RzmEJt.

    A lot of translations make the desire and the ruling over the start and finish of the same sentence, and many add some connecting work like “but”. Of course the original has no punctuation, so this is a choice made by the translator. I fear a desire to establish patriarchy shows up in a lot of the translation choices for this verse.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thank you for enlightening us. I’ll read the link tomorrow. Off the top of my head, I don’t understand, if that word is used to means sexual desire, how that plays out in the Genesis 4:7 verse then. It makes no sense with that connotation. Sorry, I re-read your comment and realized I missed something.

      I apologize if it seemed I was trying to establish a patriarchy, it was not my intent to pull a verse out of context. Perhaps I was taught the incorrect context for that word, but I think the other texts establish the husband as the leader of the household on their own. If there is a problem with the Greek passages, please pass along any information you might have.

    2. Jay Dee says:

      Well, I finally finished the white-paper. It’s very heavy, and obviously well researched. It’s interesting that in the end, he agrees with my assertion: that sin has caused women to attempt to control their husbands, though he disagrees with the specifics of the interpretation.

      He does not address well a few things though, and perhaps I just don’t have enough of an understanding of Hebrew:
      1) The word “‘el ale” can be translated as “against” as well as “for”. So, it could be “your desire will be against your husband” as well. Same meaning, different wording.
      2) He doesn’t address Genesis 3:17 at all, in which God rebukes Adam for being controlled by his wife, which lends credit to the theory I brought forward.

      Thank you for sharing that though Paul. It was very interesting.

  8. Hannah Williams says:

    My husband and I talked about this: He likes it when I’m aggressive (i.e. I show that I desire him, I flirt with him frequently, and I take initiative in inviting him into sexual activity), but he doesn’t like it when I attempt to manipulate or control him. I’m grateful for his comment following that I’m not a manipulative wife. But I used to struggle with control issues without even realizing I was being controlling. I think there’s a variety of reasons why women try to control men:

    1) they didn’t have good role models (their mothers or female role model were controlling of their men – we tend to mimic what we’re taught and grow up with),

    2) it’s in our nature to be selfish (now before any women who are reading this jump down my throat… I will also say it’s in the man’s nature to be selfish too. I’m speaking of human nature: it’s human nature to be selfish and want what you want where you want it when you want it how you want it. That being said, women tend to be much more communicative about what they want and desires quickly become demands a.k.a. selfishness),

    3) we are insecure (We aren’t confident in who we are because there’s a lot of conflicting messages out there about who we’re supposed to be. We battle insecurities about our bodies, our roles, our thoughts, our emotions, our relationships, our jobs, our educational backgrounds, our families, our religious upbringing, our religious beliefs, our political beliefs… you name it! We fear being judged and we dislike it when people think badly about us as much as we may try to shove it down and hide it. Our insecurities translate into some irrational behaviors as we attempt to manipulate people into thinking well of us and to control what we allow people to know about us.)

    All that being said, these underlying issues beneath why we control all translate to disrespect of our husbands in our marriages.

    I totally see tendencies to act a certain way because my mother or grandmother acted that way. Doesn’t mean that’s an excuse to blame them and to go ahead and be controlling. But when I say something like, “Well my mom was that way and so that’s just the way I am,” I disrespect my husband by blame-shifting (which is as old as the Garden of Eden), refusing to take responsibility for my actions, and refusing to change. I would make decisions on how to do something in the household and when my husband would make suggestions as to how to do something differently, I’d get really upset because I’d always done something this way and this was the way my mom and grandma did it and of course, in my mind, it was the ONLY way and the BEST way. I wasn’t giving my husband an opportunity to have input in running the household and I was demeaning him by refusing to listen to his ideas.

    My husband always tells me that it’s okay to desire sex and to want him (which is incredibly reassuring in our marriage), but when I begin to elevate my desires to demands like you will give me sex when I want it and how I want it tonight, I disrespect him because I am unwilling to compromise, because I don’t give him the opportunity to lead and take the reins myself, and because I am thinking more about myself than about him or us as a couple.

    When I let my insecurities get the better of me, I react out of fear instead of acting out of love. This disrespects my husband because I am not being my true self with him, because I’m showing him I don’t trust him when I hide my feelings, and because I am not truly loving him by being vulnerable.

    I can’t tell you how freeing it is for me as a wife to just let go and let God and let my husband lead. In the beginning of our marriage, I thought we were doomed because I battled all three underlying reasons for control. But God graciously taught me over time how to love and respect my husband and to let go of my control. Now I delight in letting my husband make decisions and taking a back seat because I know that he wants what’s best for me and God does too.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Wow, thank you for that insight. I appreciate your sharing and being transparent about your struggles.

  9. rockhisworld says:

    I love the analogy about the Captain and the First Officer on the Enterprise. It works really well.

    I think the ultimate thing is that we need to love one another and let our love for each other be our chief motivation.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I can’t take credit for that one, but I agree, it is a great analogy.

  10. Chris Tian says:

    Yes, I’m a “strong woman” but I make sure my husband ALWAYS knows he’s the boss and that he’s respected in our home. I like to use positive words to build him up. My mother really broke my father with her tongue I never want that for my lovely husband, especially as he’s so kind and sweet. I don’t always get it right but I really, really try -not that he makes it hard! 🙂

  11. LM says:

    What happens when the husband can’t safely be the guiding head of the household? My husband has been struggling with substance abuse, he isn’t “family-focused”, he works all the time, he is spiritually shaky… I take the role on because I am the only one here most of the time, I am the one saying let’s go to church, don’t hang out with those friends you’re going to come home drunk, etc. etc. etc. When trust is broken and the man has been a bad influence on everyone in the home, then what? We are working on our marriage with our pastor but for now, the position of the “boss” is still in my hands because I’m the one who takes responsibility for the well-being of our family.

  12. Gabriel says:

    Many men are frustrated because there is a lot of sex when dating, then it drops like a rock after marriage. They believe they ‘ve been fooled. And they ‘re angry. So they look elsewhere. It’s not the lack of sex that hurts. It’s the rejection. Respect is more important than love sometimes for a man. And using sex as a weapon is despicable. Men should take the car and debit card from their wives. It’s all about giving and not being sneaky and selfish. If you don’t want regular sex, you will have one angry, detached man.

    1. Eve says:

      There shouldn’t be any sex during dating…any more than there should be adultery after marriage. I know today it’s considered normal, but if people would open their eyes, wake up, take a look around, and see the consequences of uncommitted sex, sinful sex, lustful sex, selfish sex and be taught self-control instead of “go follow all your basest urges and here’s a condom”, there wouldn’t be so many broken marriages, broken homes, fatherless children, babies abandoned in dumpsters or butchered by “doctors”, and all the rest of the pain and suffering that goes along with sinful sex.

      My guess, is that your wife has a desire for you like you can’t imagine. She’s probably had countless fantasies and dreams about what kind of encounter she would be thrilled by.

      I think men can detach sex and relationship, the physical and the emotional. For women, the two are naturally deeply intertwined. If she isn’t feeling like you love her, would do anything for her, like you’re attracted to her and only her, her ability to respond will be inhibited, perhaps the same way yours might be if she’d insulted and humiliated you in front of your co-workers or friends.

      Saying men should take the car and debit card from their wives after talking about how using sex as a weapon is despicable and before saying “it’s all about giving and not being sneaky and selfish”…

      I’m not really seeing how it’s different to try to manipulate your wife into wanting sex by controlling her than using sex as a weapon…that’s still using sex as a weapon. It sounds pretty selfish to me. Same goes for “if you don’t have sex with me, I’ll find someone who will” mentality. That’s not love either.

      “If you don’t want regular sex, you will have one angry, detached man.”

      Who doesn’t want sex? People who are hurting emotionally and want to be understood and loved. People who are sick, congested, can barely breathe. People who are suffering through a very uncomfortable pregnancy. Someone who’s just given birth. Someone who’s just had surgery. Someone who is completely exhausted from caring for small children all day and frequently at night. People who feel disconnected from their spouse or like their spouse doesn’t really care. Health problems. Fear of pregnancy. Unresolved fights. Etc.

      There are a lot of reasons why someone might lose interest in sex.

      Being angry and detached wouldn’t solve any of the above problems or restore a passionate love life.

      Reaching out in tenderness and real love that you vowed through sickness and health, for better or worse when you married your wife, when you promised to forsake all others as long as you both shall live, that is what will build a relationship that will survive the hard times.

      I’m sorry that you’re going through tough times relationally. It can be extremely painful. It can be lonely. It can be devastating. It can feel hopeless.

      Remember, though, that all marriages go through periods of difficulty and dry spots. The couples that survive the storms and love through disease and trial and loss and pain will go on to have more happy days ahead.

      The movie “Fireproof” left a strong imprint on me of what it means to love someone without expecting them to love you back.

      That kind of love isn’t natural to human beings. It’s the kind of love God has for us sinners and that He demonstrated in dying on the cross for our sins. For every time we haven’t been loving, haven’t been kind, haven’t been patient, haven’t been committed, haven’t told the truth, haven’t been pure, haven’t put our spouse first…for every wrong we’ve ever done, Jesus made payment on the cross. We are freed from condemnation, thanks be to God for His mercy.

      I have been in a hopeless marriage, a sexless marriage, a dry and dead marriage. I’m not in one anymore. But I’m still in that same marriage.

      God can make dry dead bones come to life. God can also bring new life to a “lost cause” marriage where loneliness and detachment have become a way of being.

      I pray that He will renew the life and love in your marriage to multiples of what it ever was, that you will be filled with love for your wife, and her for you, that you will know His great love for you and be enabled to share that kind of love with others.

    2. Anonymous says:

      This is my exact situation. We used to have great sex the first three years of marriage. Now she doesn’t have time for it. She’s always tired when she comes to bed. I don’t know how many times she’s said “we’ll is it ready to go ” and Thats a reelreel turn off . I just feel like she never wants to do anything to turn me on. Any help

      1. Jay Dee says:

        Do you talk about it? Honestly, openly, explaining how its hurting your marriage?

  13. Cathie says:

    Sorry but my husband would be lost without me. I manage the money, the bills, and do the “honey to do list” myself. He cooks and cleans. It works for us. I take the bible with a grain of salt- my belief is that men always wanted to control women and put these stories into the bible and pretend that it’s the word of the lord. If god loves us all why would he want one human controlling another? Sounds like slavery and I am sure god would not support that.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      So, to sum up your comments across all the posts:
      You withhold sex from your husband
      You dominate him in the household
      You control the money
      You don’t follow his spiritual leadership (I’m guessing he’s given up leading) and have ceased to believe in the Bible, thus making it harder to know God

      I’m beginning to see why you seem so angry in your comments.

  14. jeff says:

    I was trying to connect her camera to the computer and do some other stuff with it. She said I was doing it wrong and tried to take it out of my hands. I told her that she was being very disrespectable. She told me I was doing it wrong! I said, “allow me to screw it up myself, your opinion can be made after word.” she then grabbed it from me. I then felt like I had my “manhood” was cut off by her. This is the theme of the household; I am the silly unemployed man who wants sex all the time, “silly man, look at the silly man who thinks he needs sex when he really doesn’t. he needs to just do what the wife tells him because he is not smart like she is. He will just screw things up!” Bow your head low, Christian man. Bow it low, after all, sex is like a button that you can just push and your desires go away…

  15. anonymous says:

    Why is everyone assuming that is always the man who wants more sex in the relationship? That is such stereotype! Why is it safe to assume that women who want more are controlling? Another wrong. I for one, am loved and cared for by my husband, and we are still in love after a very long time, I respect him and value him, and he respects my feelings too and hears my opinion with care, but I have always wanted sex more, and it is simply a matter of higher libido level, that is all. Sometimes women have a naturally higher frequency need than her husband, what is wrong with that? And many men actually love to be asked for sex by their wife, what is wrong with that? Why would asking for more by a woman to her protector husband be disrespectful to him? especially when he likes that? And quoting the bible can be taken to any context you want, logical or not for the social lives we accept. For example, the bible says adultery is wrong, we all agree, but also, almost all men mentioned in it had more than one wife, specially men of God, so, polygamy is ok? Would you want us to accept that one? The bible says it’s ok.
    Also, it was ok for Sara to place Ismael’s mother in Abraham’s bed as a slave when Sara herself could not conceive, but it was Sara who placed Ismael and his mother out of her home when Sara was able to conceive Isaac, is that a behavior worth following? The bible did not say it was wrong for that to happen? I could go on and on on so many things that the people in the bible did that can be used to prove to opposite view points of the same argument at the same time, that is why it is so open to interpretation by so many different religions.
    So, the point is, using the bible’s quotes to prove a point is as old as the book itself and not necessarily a proof or example worth following. I would definitely agree that man should have a role of captain in the household, because their natural instinct is to protect and provide, and it is a huge stress reliever for any woman to be able to let the man lead like they are naturally incline to do. The problem is that many men are insecure and become controlling out of those insecurities, which in turn suffocate their woman and make her revel and be forced to take on the responsibility of leading. Also, respect is earned by trustworthy and reliable actions, and many men forget that, many want to use force to submit their wives. I have known many women who suffer because they are forced to take on the role of the MAN as protector and provider, and their men forgot that if you want respect, you have to earn it.
    I pray that there would be more men like my husband on this earth, so that more women could simply relax and rest assured that their captain is worth following. I am thankful everyday that God gave me my wish of a great man I can safely honor and follow, a man that is secure in himself and who he is and takes his responsibility with care and conscience.
    Sex is a way to express love, and anything sexual that is done between two concerning adults within a marriage should never be a power struggle, but a freeing experience to be shared and cherish. Leave power struggles out of the complexity of sex lives.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Wow, quite the comment. Let’s see if I can respond to this. I hope you come back and read it sometime.

      Firstly, my wife and I try not to assume the husband is the high drive spouse. My post “I want my husband to want me” was pretty clear on that subject.

      As for quoting the Bible. Yes, you may be able to take individual passages and twist them, but I would argue you cannot do the same with the entirety of the Bible. There are many things that happen in the Bible that were not good. Just because it’s in there doesn’t mean it’s something we should do. There are many sins recorded in the Bible. I don’t know of anywhere in the Bible where God says it’s a good thing Abram slept with Hagar. I’d argue there are plenty of passages that clearly indicate monogamous relationships were God’s intent.

      In the same vein, there is not just one verse that indicates man being the household leader, but plenty of verses, in various ways. As for the issue of respect…respect is a choice. You choose to respect someone, or disrespect them. The Bible also says that God has placed the authorities there, so you could respect them, and follow their commands (so long as they do not directly contradict God’s laws). But, just because a husband is not perfect, that’s not a valid reason so disrespect him, or the say you won’t follow…or attempt to usurp his position in the family.

      That said, I agree, marriage should never be a power struggle. The husband should lead…regardless of whether the family follows. The wife should submit…regardless of whether the husband is “worthy”. Ideally, they both invite each other to take up their proper roles. This is an issue of obedience to God, not man.

  16. Karen says:

    A well known Bible teacher has said to treat your husband like he is that respected man you would like him to become and he might just become that. I learned the hard way. God commanded us to respect our husbands because they NEED it, just like he commanded the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church. We wives need it. God knew what he was doing, however hard it may be for us to accept.

  17. Fred Stevens says:

    A great article for the egalitarians out there who are breaking up churches with their blind ambition.
    Looking at you @BronwynLea.

  18. Brenda says:

    Nowhere in the Bible is the husband commanded to rule over his wife. That is a fallacy.

    Jesus forbid us to lord over one another.

    Paul commanded us to submit to one another (mutually).

    You’ve built doctrines on false premises.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Genesis 3:16

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