How To Spice Up Your Sex Life

Jay Dee

How To Spice Up Your Sex Life

Jul 28, 2012

OK, I know, I know, every blog about marriage, relationships, etc has at least one article with that title.  They usually have a large list of techniques, activities.  Maybe they suggest a blindfold (gasp).  But that’s the easy stuff.   I think you want something

How to actually spice up your sex life in a real way.  It's pretty simple, and it's the one thing that really works.

OK, I know, I know, every blog about marriage, relationships, etc has at least one article with that title.  They usually have a large list of techniques, activities.  Maybe they suggest a blindfold (gasp).  But that’s the easy stuff.  

I think you want something that will really spice things up.  There’s only one.  But it’s a game-changer.

I’ll do my best to explain it.

His & Her Boundaries

The grey circle is “His Boundaries”. These are the things that the husband is willing to do.  Since we’re talking about sex, this will be a subset of all the sexual activities possible.  Inside this circle (I hope) would be things like:

  • Missionary Position
  • Kissing
  • Hand Holding
  • Etc. (honestly, I could only think of three things that I thought 100% of the population would agree on)

Now, keep in mind, this circle is EVERYTHING he is willing to do, whether he’s aware of it or not.  Outside of the circle are all the things he’s not willing to do.  Somethings, I believe, rightly belong there in a Christian marriage.  Such as:

But there are probably some others that are not right, nor wrong, he just doesn’t want to do them.

The pink circle is “Her Boundaries”.  These, like the husbands, are things that the wife is willing to do.  Extrapolate from the list above with some variation for personal preferences.

Known Boundaries

Then we have a box called “Known Boundaries”.    Now, I’m guessing on this is true for most couples based on my marriage, but as time went on, we expanded into some sexual activities that we didn’t know existed when we got married as we had no experience. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, or bought Our Sexploration List you might have come across some activities you never knew existed. At the beginning of our marriage, our “Known Boundaries” box was basically a sliver compared to now.

After the honeymoon it had grown a fair bit.  After 11 years, it’s grown much more.  As we continue to explore each other, we learn new things about each other.  In most cases, our boundaries haven’t shifted, we just learned more about what they are by experience.

For example (a fairly innocent one) to clarify the point:

Last week I learned I like having my ear lobes kissed during foreplay.  It makes my spine tingle (in a good way).  My wife has never done that before, and so I’ve never experienced it.  So, our “Known Boundaries” box got larger on both our ends.  My wife learned that that’s inside her boundary to do to me, and I learned it’s inside my boundary to receive it from her.  The boundary didn’t shift, we just discovered another thing within the border.

Overlapping Boundaries

Here’s where it gets a little tricky.

Outside of the two circles, we have a “no go” area by mutual consent.  For example, in my marriage, in that big white “no” box my wife and I both agree that a threesome is a bad idea.  It’s outside of our boundaries.

There is an area of the husbands circle which doesn’t overlap with the wife’s circle.  These are activities he has interest in, but she doesn’t.  Likewise with the pink circle, it has parts that don’t overlap with the blue circle.  These are activities that she has interest in, but he doesn’t.

Then, we finally get to this overlap in the middle.  Where husbands and wife’s preferences overlap.  This is generally a fairly small area.  Then, we cut it down even more to only include the “known” aspects of those boundaries, and that’s where 99% of your sexual life is with your spouse.  That little overlapping area in the very middle.  That’s all the stuff you do in bed together.  Why?

Because he doesn’t say no, she doesn’t say no, and you know about it.  That’s about it.

So, you’re probably asking now, where’s the tip on how to spice up our sex life?  And this is it, understand this system of boundaries and overlaps.  If you do, you’ll see there are really only three options:

Opportunities To Spice Up Your Sex Life

There are really only two ways to spice up your sex life: Learn more about sex and what the possiblities are - check out Our Sexploration List for ideas. Examine your boundaries and see if they're rooted in biblical morality, fear, or just someone else's personal preference.
  1. Grow the “known boundaries” box.  This is the easiest one. Checkout Our Sexploration List.  It has pages and pages of activities you can discuss together to increase your “known” box. Think about them, talk about them, and figure out which ones sit within your boundary and which ones don’t.  This is what all the “sex tip” articles are about, growing your “known boundaries” box.
  2. Grow your personal boundaries box.  This is much harder because it involves real change.  Most people have some boundaries that are only there because it’s a personal preference.  There is no moral or societal reason for them.  I see so many posts/emails/messages about husbands and wives lamenting that their spouse demands oral sex, but won’t reciprocate.  This is absolutely ridiculous in my opinion.  That sounds like a perfect time to grow your boundary.  I’m not suggesting you step into any “morally gray” areas, just that you evaluate your sets of “approved sexual activities” and “not approved sexual activities” and figure out if it’s approved or not approved for a reason.
  3. Grow your partners boundaries.  This is impossible.  You cannot change your partner.  People change themselves.  You may be a catalyst for change, an inspiration to change, but you can’t change them.  If they have boundaries that to you make no sense, I say go ahead and challenge them (verbally challenge them, don’t go forcing your spouse!).  Ask why it’s a boundary, start to dialogue about it.

That’s it.  Simple, but a game changer I think.  Stop looking for the latest trick that will only grow your “Known Boundaries” box by a fraction.  Instead, look for inner growth.

Your Turn

Now, here’s your homework: Are there any activities you’re denying your spouse without good reason?

Looking for help?

17 thoughts on “How To Spice Up Your Sex Life”

  1. Becky says:

    Okay, I’m new to your site, so I might be missing this. But your solution listed going online and learning about activities out there. hmm. I’ve tried googling, and it was the only time in my life I’ve seen any porn, and I clicked away as soon as possible. I’ve looked at wikipedia…they don’t offer any positions, etc I haven’t already heard of. Do you have a resource that’s, say, more clinical, less porno? I’m not willing to search, but I’d love to read if you can give me a link or something. THANKS!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      There are a few safe places to look for stuff like this. Probably one of the best sort of “databases” out there for Christians is They are no longer posting new articles, but they’ve left the site up as an archive.
      Another good resource is The Marriage Bed site. They have tons of articles up about sexuality from a Christian perspective.

      I hope that helps.

      1. Becky says:

        Thank you very much!

        1. Jay Dee says:

          You are very welcome!

  2. Jaey says:

    I am willing to do way more than he is. This will be a good idea to see what he absolutely won’t do. I havent asked him before because my likes do tend to reach the edge of acceptable.

    But how do I convince him he might like something new without scaring him? He usually seems open but I don’t want him to think I’m too freaky.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      What about trying something small first? Test the waters. Try a different position, or just a modification of one your already do. See how that goes.
      Or try something that’s still “socially acceptable” to neuro-typicals (saw your other comment). Maybe a blindfold. They’re pretty “beginner” in terms of sexual freakishness. The key will be in expressing your enjoyment of the new activity. Move more, be louder, express your pleasure. That, more than anything, will convey that you want to stretch your bedroom activities a bit I think.

      Alternatively, you could have him read another one of my posts like this one on bondage. It explains the reasons and psychology behind it. You can pass it off as third party (me) and just send it to him and say “what do you think of this post?” Or, if you don’t want to do bondage, there’s one on hair-pulling.

      Good luck! Would love to know how it goes.

    2. Johnno says:

      Before anyone can really answer your question surely it is necessary to establish what your boundaries consist off. If you have been married a few years it would be reasonable to assume that you will have tried various positional options used my normal people, ie, missionary, doggy style, straddle and the scissors, my name for it since I have never come across any reference to it. The scissors just requires the H & W to lie on their side with one leg on each side of the other and the H guides his penis into his W. They then work the mechanics out for themselves. It is fun without being kinky. It also allows the H to caress his W’s clit thereby heightening her pleasure. I think sending text or email messages saying what one would like to engage in when together again, say after return from work. It can be from kissing to requests as to what the partner would like to do or have done to them when arriving home. It heightens the expectations. Keep the home fires burning. Even to the extent of sending a selfie of yourself naked as an invitation when one arrives home. Save the virulent stuff for another time.i would have loved to have had telephone texting in my early marriage as I have the most beautiful wife. Push your boundaries first before launching out. Bless you both as you explore the frontiers of sexual bliss.

  3. Pingback: My Obligatory “How to Spice up the Bedroom” Post | Love Hope Adventure
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  5. ME says:

    What if both partners have very wide-open boundaries but the sex is still terrible? What if the boundaries are communicated and laid out there but sex is ‘missing something’?

  6. LatterDay Marriage says:

    I don’t think there is anything in the known limits of my wife’s circle that doesn’t already overlap with my circle, I’m the adventurous one. I kind of wish she had something out there that I could grow into giving her.

  7. Pingback: My Obligatory "How to Spice up the Bedroom" Post - Love Hope Adventure
  8. Trackback: My Obligatory "How to Spice up the Bedroom" Post - Love Hope Adventure
  9. Michael says:

    The only thing I’d add is that as you and your spouse become closer you circles begin to move together. Unfortunately, we often get stuck just working in the small area of known contiguous boundaries. Without pushing ourselves and opening ourselves up to new experiences sex stays as a minimal trick pony. This can work, but spouses with different desire levels can begin to search for other ways to connect and remaining in the small area in the middle can lead to frustration. Marriage needs to be worked on constantly, should be fun and playful both within the bedroom and without.

  10. FoeHammer says:

    Just found the post, and I love the different take on “how to spice up your….” I’m definitely more adventurous…but only because she has just never thought of more. She’s usually pretty willing if approached right.

  11. H says:

    Ha, this is child’s play. My wife has 64 (and counting) specific “No Rules” and most make no sense. From the nonsensical like, No sex on any Monday or Friday and no sex in hotel rooms to the comical like, No asking her what she likes and No hugging after sex. But in her mind, these are typical. The whole feminist/media fueled “my body, my rules” obsession. I sent her the complete list last week and she went ballistic. How dare I keep a list! I mean, how else could I remember them all? Guess listing them out makes her look crazy. Obviously, I told her I want a divorce.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, I’d imagine she wasn’t happy with that. She probably felt blindsided. Likely she already feels more than a little guilty about your sex life and putting it in her face like that was likely not the most compassionate or productive way to handle it.

      I think there’s nothing “obvious” about saying you want a divorce. Why not say you’d love to work through the issues so you can both be happy?

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