SWM 057 – Anonymous Questions – April 2020
For those who have been around Uncovering Intimacy for a while, you know that we get a fair number of anonymous questions to our Have A Question page. These are questions that have come in without much context usually, and without any contact info. So, we do our best to answer (my supporters group helps us out) and here’s what we came up with for April 2020.
Question 1 – Want more intimate nights with wife
What do I need to do differently to have more intimate nights with my wife? She’s never in the mood and never initiates anything sexually. I try to give her flowers, tell her I love her often, buy her things, spend quality time with her and do small favors but she still never initiates sex. And sex we do have is usually, boring, for lack of a better word. Same simple positions (because she doesn’t like anything else), nothing kinky and very quick usually. We did try your truth and dare and loved it! Thanks for answering.
Sounds like she likely experiences responsive desire which means she doesn’t randomly get “in the mood” often, if at all. All the stuff you’re doing shows love, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to suddenly want sex. So, I wouldn’t expect her to ever initiate sex out of desire. If you want to have more intimate nights, I’d initiate more often.
I’d also make an educated guess that your wife doesn’t like to be responsible for sex. She probably liked the truth or dare game because it wasn’t her calling the shots – the game was. She liked not being responsible for it. It’s an easy way to say “it’s not my fault, the game made me do it”. If that’s the case, I’d be curious to know if our Sexy Memory game has the same effect. If it does, then it might be you need to stop being so “nice”. Don’t ask what she wants or if she likes something. Tell her what to do. For many wives, that’s a better way to go because then they can distance themselves from the responsibility of saying “yes” and just enjoy it because “it’s not my fault”.
Question 2 – Can I have sex with my ex-husband?
I filed for divorce after finding out my husband has been having affairs. We live in separate homes but he still asks for sex once in a while. Of course I want to, I still love him, however, I’m sure he may still be meeting with other women. Is it a sin to have sex with him?
So, the legalistic answer would be “well, you can have sex until the divorce goes through”. For me though, I think once you decide to end the marriage, it’s already done in your heart, and so you should stop having sex. My opinion would be that anything else is sexual immorality. You’re already living separate lives – you are in essence no longer man and wife, whether or not the divorce is legal yet.
Question 3 – Does my husband want kinky sex?
Last year I discovered my husband had an affair. It was a short affair only because I found out by confronting him but it was also a very intense affair. We had been married 20yrs when he had his affair and our sex life had settled into what I would call mature. Predictable yes but still very comfortable and active. However the sex he had with his affair partner was what I would liken to porn sex – BDSM type sex and even though he assures me this type of sex doesn’t arouse him I am unsure. Is it possible that he desires this type of sex and is ashamed to tell me? And how do I get the images of what they did out of my head (unfortunately it is very explicit and I’ve seen the pics/texts and videos provided by the affair partner)?
Is it possible he desires this type of sex and is ashamed to tell you? Yes, it’s absolutely possible. But that doesn’t mean that’s what’s happening. Affairs are a whole different context. It’s another person, so the “rules” are already broken. It’s transgressive, because you’re breaking a vow and having sex outside of marriage. It’s exciting because it’s secretive, and often it’s affirming in a way because someone is possibly showing you a kind of attention you haven’t gotten in a long time.
All that to say that the context for him during an affair is radically different than in your marriage. Just because it turns him on in that context with that other person, doesn’t mean that’s what he wants to do with you.
But it’s also quite possible that he wants something more than “predictable” sex. Predictable sex tends to get boring. I think one of the things many men like most about sex is the exploration. Exploring new parts, new sensations, new expressions, new reactions, new everything. It’s exciting to try something new. “Predictable sex” doesn’t give you that. That doesn’t mean you need to jump into “BDSM” type sex, but it might not be a bad idea to learn to be a bit more adventurous.
If you need some help with that, I created a massive list of hundreds of sexual activities that a monogamous, Christian couple can try. The idea is that you both go through the list, separately, and mark the things that interest you or don’t interest you, or that you’re willing to do. Then you compare notes and get a list of new activities that one, or even better, both, of you are interested in trying out. If you’re curious about that list, you can check it out in our shop. It’s called Our Sexploration List and it’s been our number one seller for a while.
As for how to get the images out of your head, I can recommend two approaches:
- Pray about it – Whenever I say “pray about it”, someone calls me out for not giving “practical” advice. But, personally, I think prayer is very practical, and if you don’t … well, you should probably add reading your Bible to it, because the Bible seems to think prayer is very practical. We’re called to pray about everything, so why not this thing?
- Brains are funny – they do their best to help us remember the things we need. One of the ways they do this is by paying attention to when emotions rise in response to a memory. When these images pop up, if you get upset, your brain will think “this is important” and remind you of it again. In this way, you will continue to dwell on the images. But if you acknowledge it and dismiss the idea, then your brain will think “oh, this is nothing” and let it go. Eventually it will stop reminding you, because you seem not to care about it. I’m not saying it’s easy, but that’s how you reprogram your brain.
So, there are a few things to try. I hope they help!
Question 4 – Is it okay to want more passionate sex?
Is it ok to want pounding sex occasionally with my wife? We have a reasonable sex life and satisfy each other most times. But it’s always tame and gentle whether it be intercourse or oral or whatever. But if I suggest that I might want to spread her legs and pin them back and pound her hard (classic missionary style) or bend her over and give it to her from behind, she’s never interested and claims it’s uncomfortable.
I understand that, but is it fair that I’m sometimes “uncomfortable” with boring sex and don’t complain? And it’s not like I ever want to do it often like this. Like once or twice a year would be great. And if we did do it, I absolutely promise I’ll satisfy her afterwards if she hasn’t enjoyed it or orgasmed.
Am I asking too much? Or is my wife being prudish that she will just never, ever indulge in this kind of passionate, thrusting intercourse?
Is it okay to want? Sure, why not? Is it okay for her not to want? Sure, why not? You each are entitled to your own feelings. That’s not very productive though. As Christians, the Bible tells us that our feelings shouldn’t dictate our actions. Because feelings are rarely based on actual truth.
So, rather, I think it’s more prudent to ask – is it beneficial to the marriage to have more … passionate sex? That answer, I think is yes, most likely. The fact is, our brains like sex, but they like it a lot more when it’s exciting. And a “reasonable sex life” doesn’t sound very exciting. It reminds me of the previous question where she called their “mature sex” “predictable and comfortable”.
In the long run, both husbands and wives tend to get bored of predictable, comfortable, reasonable, sex. This tends to play out in one of two ways in each spouse:
- They get tempted by exciting sexual expression (sometimes succumbing as above)
- They get bored and less and less interested in sex, which we often see happening
And in order for sex to be exciting, it needs to be … let’s say transgressive, in some way. If you had sex while you were dating, that was easy to attain – any sex was transgressive, because it broke the rules. If you managed to wait until marriage, honeymoon sex is still fairly transgressive – first time being naked together, first time sharing yourself that way. Being willing to make the sounds, faces and movements you make during sex is being vulnerable.
But after you’ve been married a while, it’s a little more difficult to be transgressive without some effort. But, the good news is that there are lots of boundaries you likely haven’t crossed. If “pounding sex” isn’t physically comfortable for her, then there are many other things that might scratch that itch for you that wouldn’t cause her physical discomfort.
Mental discomfort is a more difficult hurdle to get over. As it happens, we have a bunch of wives going through our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course that are currently trying to work on that part of sex.
Alternatively, a few of our supporters in the forum suggested checking out Our Sexploration List. One of them said:
I second utilizing Jay’s Sexploration List. It may just be my wife and me, but this has been liberating and gave us a good place to start having these discussions. We’ve been married 29 years this month and had little to no discussion.
I hope that helps.
Question 5 – What about the Rich Man and Lazarus?
So, I was listening to one of your podcasts, I don’t remember which one but you were talking about souls and what happens after death. You said that nothing happens after death until Jesus comes back. But I want to know what you think about the story Jesus tells in Luke 6:19-31, it’s the story of the rich man and the beggar. After the beggar Lazarus dies, he was carried away in Abraham’s bosom. According to this story, when you die, your soul goes paradise (I believe).
I want to know what you think.
Also, I really love your podcast because your opinions are black or white and I really appreciate when Christians know exactly where they stand. I wanted to compliment you on that.
I honestly am not sure which podcast I mentioned it on either, however I did a fairly lengthy blog post on the topic wherein I explored the rich man and Lazarus parable, it’s meaning and significance in the topic of what happens when you die. The post is called What happens when you die?. If you want to know more about the topic in general, I highly suggest checking it out. It goes into it in quite some depth, but your specific question is answered as well, with the context of the larger argument.
Question 6 – Why does my wife suddenly want daily sex?
Is this coming with age or losing weight or maybe both? I’m the guy that asked the question about a year ago if it was wrong of me to ask for naked pics of my wife because she wants to lose weight and I like her plus size body. Well in the past 4 or so months she’s lost about 40 pounds and still looks thick and sexy so I’m not complaining and another thing I’m not complaining about is her sex drive has massively increased all the sudden in the past couple weeks. We went from about twice a week to just about every day. First I was thinking that maybe she entered her sexual prime. (We’re both turning 30 in the next couple months.) But then I was wondering if it was due to weight loss and exercise and maybe she’s more energetic. What are your thoughts?
It could be a few things.
- Losing weight can decrease stress on your system, which frees up energy for other things, like sex.
- Her body might be starting to work properly, including releasing sex-related hormones.
- If she’s exercising, exercise has shown to increase testosterone as well as other hormones that can improve mode and sexual function.
- Exercise increases blood flow which can improve physical arousal and make sex better.
- The lost weight might make sex feel better just because there’s less fat in the way, which may allow you to penetrate deeper, or grind harder against her clitoris.
- Losing weight might make her feel better about herself and less self-conscious.
So, there are 6 potential reasons related to weight loss off the top of my head. I’m glad you’re enjoying her getting healthier!
Question 7 – Is flashing (privately) okay?
What about flashing? My wife used to flash me, not in public where people can see. We both agree that’s wrong, but in the privacy of our house or in nature. We like to go to national parks or just out in nature. As long as no one is around and can see she used to do this. But now she is having doubts.
Given the caveats you already stated, I can’t think of a reason it could be wrong. That sounds fun and playful. The only question would be the “are you sure noone is around”? In some places, getting caught might result in fines or charges.
Question 8 – Wife think it’s sinful to touch herself during sex
I have a major question…my wife feels that I should not ask her to rub her clit or use the vibrator on herself while I’m inside of her, even after I’ve taken time to do down on her, etc. She said she feels guilty or sinful if she does it to herself, even if I tell her it’s okay. I only ask her to do it because she used to do it during sex and when I’m inside of her, it feels great for both of us. What are your thoughts?
I’m not sure if anyone else is seeing a pattern here, but I am – there are a lot of spouses who used to do something, and then stop. Often they don’t even know themselves why they stopped. My guess is that it’s related to what I mentioned before – that without exciting sex, they start thinking too much about what’s going on and get a bit … can I say neurotic without being offensive? What I mean is that when we start getting in our head about sex, suddenly we start to get some weird ideas about what’s okay or not okay based on nothing but our fears.
There’s absolutely nothing in the Bible to suggest that touching your own body during sex with your spouse is wrong in any way. I have to extrapolate just to hold up my belief that solo masturbation isn’t okay – but those arguments don’t hold up when you’re with your spouse.
Those are my thoughts. I mean, best case scenario would be you both to have a rational discussion about it, dig into why she feels that way and then find the truth of the matter together. Christians shouldn’t base belief on feelings, but on the Truth. At least, that’s my opinion.
That said, another alternative would be to get a toy that would give her the vibrations, but without having to hold it herself. There are lots to choose from that we’ve tried and enjoyed. In no particular order:
- We-Vibe Sync – We’ve owned 3 or 4 We-Vibes now. Love them all. Each generation gets better. It is shaped sort of like a ‘C’, with one vibrator against the G-Spot and another against the clitoris and you can keep it on/in while you have sex.
- TOR – This is a penis ring, so it goes on the husband and hits her clitoris
- Eva – This toy helped my wife orgasm during sex two sessions in a row, which rarely happened back then
- POCO – This toy just got released and we’re trying it out – so far, it’s pretty cool and just small enough that it could fit between you handsfree – at least it works for us
Those are my thoughts, and some ideas to try.
Question 9 – How do I fix not having a sex drive?
I have very little to no sex drive. I hate it. My husband hates it. And I am now losing sleep over it. I’m pretty positive I would really benefit from seeing a sex therapist, but where do I begin? What other options do I have? I’ve heard medication is an option but I don’t know if it really works. I’m just at my wits end and can’t get rid of this extreme anxious and nervous feeling I have – almost to the point of feeling like I’ll pass out. I want to bring it up to my husband but we always get in fights over this and I don’t need that for my stress levels right now. I just don’t want it to seem like another excuse to him. I have wanted to have sex every day this week but have no drive to initiate it and feel no arousal to do so. I know it sounds weird, but that’s how it is and it’s incredibly frustrating. I was up all night stewing over it and trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
It’s probably not going to help, but being stressed about sex is going to make it worse. Stress produces cortisol, which decreases sex drive. But, telling someone to “calm down” rarely helps them actually calm down.
So, let’s look at options.
- Sex Therapist – I would contact Dr. Jessica McCleese. She’s a licensed Christian Sex Therapist. She’d know what the next steps are for the therapy route.
- Endocrinologist – ask your family doctor for a referral to a hormone specialist – get one that knows about women’s sexual hormones though – not many do, so do some research and find one that has that as a specialty.
- Relationship – For many people, honestly, their issues with sex don’t require either of those. Lots of time, they just need a plan, a new perspective, or new skillset (often communication). We have two options:
- We’re currently running our pilot group through our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course, which is designed to help wifes, well, engage more sexually, which it sounds like you’re struggling with.
One of our supporters who’s taking the course wrote this when she read the question:
Wow! I could have written question 9! That is exactly how I have felt. I’d definitely recommend that she try the Becoming more sexually engaged course. I can already see an impact and change in my marriage. Plus, I think it has shown my husband that I really do want to change and that I want to want sex.
- We could start marriage coaching and work together (you as a couple, with me) to find a path forward for you.
Other than that, it’s not quite enough information to go on yet, but there are some options you can choose from.