I don’t know about everyone else, but this summer has been crazy for us. I think we’ve been camping more weekends than we’ve been home. In fact, as I record this, I’m sitting in my trailer at the Muskoka Bible Center where we’re camping this entire week.
As such, I’m trying to catch up. Believe it or not, I haven’t managed to answer questions from May or June yet. So we’re going to do that today, and then I got quite a few in July, so I’m going to handle those separately. The Muskoka Bible Center, where were staying, has a daily kids program for 2 hours, so I’m going to do my best to fit in a podcast recording session each day.
As well, because I’m in a trailer without my usual podcasting setup, please excuse the sound quality.
So, today we’re tackling such questions as:
- How important is communication during sex?
- Is it wrong to not want your wife to lose weight?
- Someone asks if they should have an affair
- How do you find time to have sex when you have young children?
- Does premature ejaculation affect your sex drive?
- What do you do if your husband won’t quit masturbating alone?
- Is it still considered crossdressing if it’s for comfort?
- A question about male chastity or female-led relationships.
- Should you suggest a boob job to your wife?
- A question about language in the bedroom.
So, today we’re answering questions from our Have A Question page. If you have your own question you’d like answered, you can ask them there.
Question 1: How important is communication during sex?
How important is communication during sex? During Penis in Vagina intercourse do you ask your wife whether she is satisfied and whether you can ejaculate. Do you tell her that you are close to ejaculation. Do you ask your spouse whether they are enjoying or enjoyed the sexual union. Do you ask your wife if she is ready for PIV. I usually ask my wife to guide my penis inside her vagina.
I think the answer will change depending on the couple. I also think the methods of communication change. For example, I generally don’t need my wife to tell me that she’s either approaching, or has had, an orgasm. Granted, sometimes they sneak up on me (sometimes they sneak up on her, too), but more or less, I can tell when she’s close and about to go over. So, while she may not explicitly state that she’s about to orgasm, her body communicates this in a variety of ways.
For some, verbal communication is distracting, for others uncomfortable. For those who find it uncomfortable, I’d suggest getting comfortable with it. While you may choose not to communicate verbally (I think for a lot of couples, you’re leaving a massive foreplay/arousal tool on the shelf if you don’t), I’d say having the ability to communicate about sex is crucial.
As for the specific questions, that will depend on the couple. I know for us, if I ask if she’s enjoying herself, that would be a bad move. It either will show that I’m not paying attention to her if I don’t know, or it will distract her by forcing her brain to switch into an analytical mode to assess whether she’s enjoying herself, which pulls her out of the actual enjoyment.
So, yes, I think the ability to be able to communicate during sex is a need. However, what that communication looks like from couple to couple will change, and it might change from session to session.
Question 2: Don’t want my wife to lose weight
Is this wrong of me? So I am one of those guys that likes plus size women and am happily married to a stunning BBW (big beautiful woman). My wife is very confident and we have a great sex life. She doesn’t hide her body and is always naked around me in the bedroom. I think shes more sexy now than when we were first dating. She was thick then and just as I thought she couldn’t get any hotter she gains weight and my eyes are glued to her. She does want to drop a few pounds though which I admit I don’t want her to since I think she’s at her sexiest. One day I asked her if I could have some naked pictures of her so I could always be able to see her body at her most beautiful. I know that I will still find her attractive but there’s something special about her body now and I want to always have a piece of it. She said that she had a problem because she didn’t want me having to go back to her fat nudes to get aroused for her. I told her that it wouldn’t be that way but I want to be able to keep her at her sexiest. Plus I see it as a way of having my own Playboy but of my wife which is a turn on for me. She may let me have some sexy nudes of her but what are your thoughts? Is this wrong?
Yeah, I completely understand her fear. Ultimately it sounds like she’s worried that you’re more attracted to her body than her as a person. By pushing this agenda for the reasons you’re stating, you’re not doing a lot to abate that fear. You’re basically saying “Well, this is the body I fell in love with, so I don’t want it to change, because I won’t love it as much anymore.”
To be honest, I’m curious if there’s a porn habit here that specifically includes larger women that’s feeding this mentality. I don’t have a way to ask, so I won’t assume, but it is a suspicion.
Generally, our preferences tend to shift towards whoever we’re focused on. So, if we focus on our spouse, in the present, then our preferences tend to shift towards finding them more and more attractive. They become our new standard.
However, if you continue to focus on your wife in the past, or how she is now, then as she loses weight, she’ll continue to drift away from where you’re choosing to put your focus – which, arguably, isn’t her, but rather a memory of her. Unfortunately, these pictures may have the same effect, anchoring your focus in the past, thus also anchoring your preferences which ultimately might cause you to be less attracted to your wife.
So, is it wrong to enjoy the size your wife is now? No, I don’t think so. Is it wrong to want to stay anchored to a snapshot of her in history – well, I think it likely unproductive. I think God made our brains malleable in this way for a reason, so that we can shift and adapt to life as things change. If we choose to avoid using that neuroplasticity and it ends up harming our relationship – well, that doesn’t seem right.
Ultimately my guess is that your wife wants to lose weight to be healthier. My wife is also trying to lose weight to be healthier. It’s that desire to be healthier that I find attractive, even more than the body changes. Be open to new ways to be attracted to your wife. Life will change, as will you and your wife. Let it change, and let your brain change with it.
Question 3: Should I have an affair?
Dear Jay, I’ll try to keep this brief and just give you the facts and question.
- I’ve been married 40 years; we have two grown married adult children and five grandchildren
- My wife and I were both virgins when we got married; we have sex now only once a week and she feels that she is doing me a favor; I have a high sex drive and her’s is very low
- All throughout our marriage my wife has made snide and cutting remarks to me and everything is always my fault.
- Since we got married, she knew she could do that because we were “married” and divorce was out of the question
- Now I feel “stuck” to be destined for this kind of treatment the rest of my life, I’ve begun to wonder, “what did I miss”?
- If we try to talk about it, she only gets very mad and turns things around to make it my fault, once again.
- She has completely let herself go as far as dressing sexy, looking sexy, or thinking or talking about sex because we are “married” ; so I get the feeling of “too bad, so sad” Am I just “stuck”?
- Question, so should I have an affair, (which I know is wrong) but I feel I have no choice? What did I miss all these years? Decent treatment? Plenty of sex? Other?
These ones are hard. What’s harder is that you’ve waited so long. I wish people would get help at the beginning when these dynamics start to set in. 40 years in is a big ship to try and move. It’s not impossible, but it’s not easy. The good news is that at least you’re still having sex. That makes it a fair bit easier than trying to restart a sexless marriage.
So, the first issue is that an affair won’t help. Yes, you may have some temporary fun, but at what cost? If you get found out (which is likely), you will ruin your reputation with your children and grandchildren, not to mention potentially destroy any chance of improving your marriage. Leaving that sort of legacy to your family could have ramifications for generations. That’s aside from the damage you’ll do to your relationship with God.
Secondly, it doesn’t solve the underlying issues. You’re abandoning your wife to her sickness – yes, I’m going to call it that, and you’re side-stepping your own.
If your wife’s sickness is contempt, then yours is passivity. You have spent 40 years just taking this sort of treatment and ended up just feeling stuck. It’s unlikely your wife will change if the dynamic stays stable. Why would she? She gets what she wants out of it and feels like she’s doing alright. So long as she can blame everything on you, and you accept it, or at least don’t challenge her on it, then she feels in the right.
So, it’s time to shift the dynamic. It’s time to learn to set boundaries. It’s time to become more personally powerful. At best, your wife will realize she cannot keep going the way she is. At worst, you will learn to accept the things outside of your control, but also to change the things within your control.
Towards this end, I suggest two books:
- Boundaries in Marriage – by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. This book is generally the go-to for people who want to learn about boundaries. It’s a good start, but in all honesty, I deal with too many people who read the book and missed the point.
- Keep your Love On – Danny Silk. The entire book isn’t dedicated to boundaries, but the other topics lay a better groundwork I find for understanding what a boundary is. Actually, I’d probably suggest you read this first, then read Boundaries in Marriage to go deeper into the topic once you have a good foundation.
Question 4: How do you find time when you have young children?
How do you find time to have sex when you have young children? Especially if you are breastfeeding and baby still wakes frequently during the night (So you’re super exhausted or always getting interrupted in the act). I’m guessing you might not be a proponent of co-sleeping, yet it’s typical for many cultures and some are in circumstances where it’s necessary (e.g. lack of bedrooms/beds). I have heard of other people’s tips for this (using other rooms, or different times of day etc), so curious what the Christian perspective of this is?
I’m sure the “Christian” perspective is all over the map. But I can give you mine, and I am a Christian, so hopefully that counts.
We’ve had 5 children, my wife breastfed them all for at least a year and we co-slept with all of them for quite a long time. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a trying dozen years or so. My 4 year old still crawls into bed with us some mornings.
How do you find time? You don’t. You make time. You have more quickies than marathon sessions (if any at all). You look for opportunities when the baby has fallen asleep. I remember sometimes if we were driving home from somewhere and a baby was asleep in the car seat, we’d just leave them in there while we had sex. Not in the car of course, we’d bring the baby in the house, even in the bedroom, but at least the car seat had them off the bed.
And sometimes we had sex with the baby on the bed, asleep. And sometimes they woke up. It’s a bit awkward, but it’s not the end of the world. None of them remember.
You get better at starting and stopping. Sometimes when you stop you don’t get to start again. You get better at that too. Sometimes you get better at letting the baby cry in the crib because one of you is close to orgasm, and an extra 10-30 seconds won’t make much of a difference to them, but it will make a huge difference to your marriage.
We also sometimes just put some blankets on the floor and put the baby to sleep on them so we wouldn’t wake them with the bed moving.
Point is, you can find ways to manage it. It takes being willing to be adaptable and to shed some silly notions about not having sex in the same room as a baby. I mean, if you were having sex while she was pregnant, then you’ve been having sex much closer to a baby than a foot or two away on the bed in the past.
Question 5: Does premature ejaculation affect sex drive?
Thank you for all the work you have done over the years dealing with marriage sexuality, even when I don’t see things your way I find the posts insightful and most importantly Biblical. I want to ask a question but first a quick testimony to say how your posts have helped my marriage. My husband never had a strong desire for sex, when he wants it he wants it but he’s easily satisfied and doesn’t want it a lot, we’ve gone from us not ever having sex to having sex once a month, this is still not enough for me but there is a flow of intimacy which is most important -for me I realised it wasn’t the lack of sex but the lack of connection that was a problem we used either have sex and then nothing, I’d still like to have more sex but I can be patient and I feel very loved and secure now which I didn’t before and my husband is very good at doing little things that count toward that, taking time to talk to me and message me in the day, kissing me before he goes to work in the morning and hugs in bed as we watch TV at night which didn’t exist between us before. It’s a cultural thing, he just didn’t deem these things and romance as “important” and I see that other men in his culture don’t either. Another thing we’ve solved is the “awkwardness of initiation” which was also a big problem, I don’t like to ask -I’ve tried to solve this but it’s just not what I like to do and he won’t ask as he’s not usually in the mood, we have found that a simple emoji “code” via WhatsApp works for us. I send that and don’t feel like I am initiating and he sees that and can decide if he “feels” like it. If he doesn’t I don’t feel rejected as well, which as a big issue for us before and we find that usually in the next 2-3 days something will happen after the code and that makes it feel more natural which we both enjoy.
Sure there were things we both still have to work on but we are doing that, there are other conversations we need to have but because there is a flow of communication it’s easier and his reactions are better as well. So thank you for covering all topics and keeping Christ at the centre of it all, focusing on Christ feels like the last thing you want to do when you are trying to solve intimacy issues in your marriage but actually by tackling deeper issues such as what is love and having patience things are getting better, not in the way I wanted when I originally started coming here to read stuff but actually in a better more God-centred way and that makes me, us, happy. We celebrate 10 years of marriage this year.
My question is about premature ejaculation. I just wondered if it affects sex drive or if sex drive is affected by it. I think if we had more sex it would get better but right now it’s a bit of an issue -I am not unhappy but obviously I’d like it to be longer. I also wondered if it affects my chances of conception. We are trying for another baby and it’s taken us a little longer than we’d like but we are trusting God for success this year.
In His Love
I just wanted to add to my previous question and testimony. Like I told you, we have been working on our intimacy problems and we are doing much better now. I think my question was about whether PE causes a lack of desire as well. Since I wrote to you I decided to insist my husband start taking the L-Arginine I bought a little while ago, I told him it’s for energy but in fact in the days when things were at their worst I was researching things my husband could take to help him be more intimate. The two things that I came across that were deemed to actually work and were safe/natural were Red ginseng which is great for libido (in both men and women) and L-arginine which is great for a range of things including energy boost, ED, PE and libido. Unlike viagra L-arginine is safe and can be taken by people with heart issues and it lowers blood pressure. We had taken them before with limited success but after writing to you I remembered them and as he was complaining of a few ailments told him to take the tablets to help him with those and to give him more energy and more energy he has! The PE issue has definitely gone and he’s definitely more interested now than he was which is fantastic. He now takes them without me prompting him because I know he’s seeing health benefits, he also takes red ginseng in tablet form, he says they make him more alert and put a spring in his step but that they keep him awake if he takes them too late in the day. I have a friend who was drinking red ginseng tea as she said it helped her husband (who is about 20 years older than her) with his blood pressure and other ailments so I said to her tongue-in-cheek that she must be getting a lot of early nights then, she just looked at me wide-eyed like “HOW DID YOU KNOW?” hahaha! I am sharing this information as I’ve never seen either of these mentioned here but think people may benefit from knowing about them. You can buy both on Amazon and you can read the reviews there regarding L-arginine and not just .com either. Other Amazon sites are full of guys talking about the benefits of it for them. There’s some good information on Web MD too. Intimacy problems have both a spiritual and physical side, for us we are very happy because we have balance in both. Focusing on our Lord and Saviour and His will for our lives helps us focus on the spiritual side but taking supplements and looking after our health takes care of the physical and having that balance in both makes for a powerful and effective combination. God bless you and your family Jay, thank you for all you do in helping couples enjoy each other. Maybe you could have a testimonies corner? I am sure we are not the only couple who are now in a better place because of Uncovering Intimacy and the good work it does. Be nice to hear about other couples and how they got to their “good place.”
In His Love. 🙂
So, sounds like you solved your own problem! Yes, L-Arginine and Red Ginseng do help some people with regard to ED. Not everyone, unfortunately. I’ve not heard about it helping for premature ejaculation. That’s typically a psychological issue more than a physical one. It could be that he thought it might work, which made him stress less about it, and that solved the issue.
Hard to say. Nevertheless, I’m glad you found a solution!
I’ll look into making a testimonies corner. Thanks for the suggestion!
Question 6: What if your husband won’t quit masturbating?
I’ve read some of your responses to questions regarding masturbation and marriage. I’m wondering, what if you’ve had the conversation with your husband multiple times over the years, but he still won’t stop? I’ve expressed how his masturbation and porn watching hurts me and have tried to work with him to stop, but he won’t. He sees no problem with it and it’s been 7 years. What do I do? It is destroying me emotionally. I don’t want to divorce because we have children and I think it would be damaging for them, but I’m seeing no other way. In your opinion, is divorce the answer? I’ve prayed to God about this many times, but I just don’t know what to do. Any answers you can give me would be helpful. Thank you.
I have two answers to this, depending on whether or not that “destroying me emotionally” is an exaggeration.
But first, I want to make a point. We cannot control other people. Control is the opposite of love, and it doesn’t work well anyways. He will not change for you. He will only change because he wants to. One could say that he has chosen porn over you, but that’s not quite true since you’ve been telling him you don’t like it for 7 years and he’s kept doing it. So, basically he loves having porn and you, even if it’s a less happy you. I guess he loves porn more than you feeling emotionally safe. I think that’s fair to say.
My point is, he doesn’t think it’s wrong to watch porn, so you can’t hold him accountable to standards he doesn’t agree to. As well, you promised to love and support him in sickness and in health. Here’s his sickness. So, if you leave, be clear – it’s not because of his actions. It’s because of your reaction.
So, if your reaction is seriously destroying you emotionally, then separate. Be clear why. Take a break from the marriage so you can get help and pull yourself together. This will also give him the opportunity to decide if he wants you or porn, because he’s never had to actually face that choice seriously yet. If he chooses not to quit, and you feel you can’t ever go back and keep your sanity then consider divorce so you can set him free. It’s not loving to keep him in limbo. Accept that you can’t keep your vow and set him free.
Someone is not going to like that I said that. So, let me be clear. Yes, I’m well aware he’s not keeping his. But this isn’t a contract. It’s two separate covenants. Just because he broke his doesn’t mean she’s free of hers. That’s how I view marriage anyways. If he decides to leave, then let him go. You can’t keep a covenant with someone who doesn’t want a relationship, but if he wants to stay married, then it’s not him who is leaving the marriage.
Now, if you decide after separating that you’d rather have him, including his porn use, than not having him as you husband, then go back and learn to forgive him, and keep forgiving him. Recognize that his moral compass is not the same as yours. It’s going to cause a lot of heartache, but you can decide to either stay and bear it, or say you can’t handle it and leave and let him have someone else who potentially can.
That’s my take. Of course, you have to decide for yourself what you are willing and able to do. If you can’t keep the vow, if it will destroy you, then choose which is more important to you – your life or your vow. That choice will be different for different people. So far as I can figure it out, that’s the biblical answer. We have a mix between “if they want to stay married, stay married” and “if they break their vows, you can leave”. This is the only way I can see to have the two in harmony – you do what you can bear. There’s no shame in saying you can’t stay. But be sure it’s an “I can’t” rather than “I’d rather not”. That’s the best sense I can make of scripture.
Question 7: Is it still crossdressing if its for comfort?
I read with interest your crossdressing blog post. I understand your position regarding dressing as a woman, wig and all. Do you think this extends wearing “women’s” panties? The argument is that women’s panties are sexier and more comfortable than men’s underwear. The individual is not trying to look or feel like a woman but to be comfortable.
Well, the men and women in our support group seemed suspicious about this one. For one, noone though women’s underwear was more comfortable than men’s. Secondly, the general suspicion was that this was a way to rationalize crossdressing.
Ultimately, act in accordance with your own convictions, but I’ll admit, I’m suspicious about the motivations for this one as well.
Question 8: Male chastity or female-led relationships
Sorry if this is too bizarre… I promise that I am asking in good faith.
What is your take on male chastity or female-led relationships (FLR)
Can this be biblical or part of a god-fearing, healthy Christian marriage?
I am asking because I really don’t know!
Thank you for all the work you do for us earnestly striving for better marriages.
Not too bizarre for me. So, anyone who has been reading my blog for a few years remembers way back my wife and I co-wrote a sermon that we preached in our home church on husbands being the head of the household. I posted it in two parts:
Point is, I’m pretty pro-husband-led marriage based on both the Bible and physiological evidence, as well as my personal experience trying to be egalitarian and having that fall into a mess, plus a lot of other husbands and wives saying the same.
As well, I did a survey a few years ago and it showed that marriages where the wife leads are far more likely to be sexless and almost always end up having a very low frequency of sex. As well, overall marital satisfaction tends to be lower.
So, I think it’s dangerous. Doesn’t mean it can’t work for some, but in general it’s not something I’d recommend.
Question 9: Should I suggest a boob job?
My wife and I have two kids (ages 2 and 4) and have both discussed at length and have decided that we are finished having children. I have even gone out and recently gotten a vasectomy, so there’s no turning back!
My question though has to do with my wife. She really wanted to breastfeed both of our kids and did so, but (and I know I may sound shallow here) the breastfeeding has taken a toll on her boobs. I’ve never said anything as I fear that she would feel like I’m unhappy with her body, but she has even mentioned a couple of times that her boobs have lost quite a bit of their former look. Would it be wrong for me to suggest a boob job? It’s not like she’s going to be breastfeeding anymore and I think it would actually boost her self esteem and (admittedly selfishly speaking) it would be fun in the bedroom as well. Do you think I should try suggesting this? Is there a tactful way to go about this without being offensive and seemingly dissatisfied with her body?
This is another question that splits Christianity.
Some will tell you to go for it. One of our supporters compared it to getting braces to fix children’s teeth.
I tend to fall in the other camp, that our sense of self-esteem should come from who we are, not from what we look like. As another supporter said “Are the 2 of you planning to surgically maintain both your bodies the way they were when you married?”
There are also risks to these surgeries. I don’t quite see it like braces on a child, because the braces are temporary and external, whereas an implant is a permanent, internal, synthetic addition to the body. That comes with some inherent risks and dangers. Sometimes those risks are worthwhile, like with pacemakers, but for me, aesthetics aren’t enough to justify the risk. But that’s just my personal opinion.
The other concern is that part of her issues with self-esteem might be because she’s picking up that you aren’t happy with her body. If you bring it up, that will solidify that thought – that you won’t be happy with a less-than-ideal body. While implants might help shore up that sense of self-esteem temporarily, as you both age, the rest of her body is going to start seeing other signs of wear. That’s life. But, with this now confirmed suspicion that you are very concerned about how she looks, that is going to degrade her self-esteem over time as she’ll be more and more concerned with how you see her.
I have no idea how to bring it up in a way that won’t make it seem like you are dissatisfied.
For me, I’d put my efforts into building up her self-esteem in ways that show you are more concerned about who she is as a person than what her body looks like, and that it’s that love of her that forms your view of her body.
Question 10: Language in the bedroom
Hi Jay Dee, I have a question about language in the bedroom. In our household we have very strict rules on using cuss words and that they are not allowed. However, a while back we ordered your sexploration list and it got me thinking that it might be hot to use some choice words in the bedroom during sex. I’m not talking about using the Lord’s name in vain, the “F”-word or anything hurtful or degrading. I know the Bible has some verses about not letting any corrupt communication come out of your mouth and I’m assuming that that counts for ALL areas in life? What are your thoughts? Thanks.
I think this is one of those areas where there’s a lot of confusion in Christianity. I’ve actually written about this in a section of my Introduction to Talking Dirty ebook. So, I’m just going to cut and paste it here as I think it answers the question well.
Is it okay to use “dirty” talk?
I’ve been challenged a couple of times by people saying they didn’t believe we as Christians should use coarse language.
Too often, we use modern words in order to interpret biblical commandments. For example, we all know that one of the 10 commandments is not to swear, right?
Well, yes, and no. Swearing used to be considered taking God’s name in vain (Exodus 20:7), and that’s what we are forbidden as Christians to do. However, more modernly, swearing typically describes vulgar language instead, and most people wouldn’t consider taking God’s name in vain as swearing at all. It’s become commonplace, sadly.
Another is the warning not to curse (James 3:10), and again, our modern language gets in the way. Cursing used to mean pronouncing a curse on someone, wishing them ill, or making known your hatred of them.
Today, cursing means the same as swearing does, just using vulgar language, and so we have Christians who don’t use vulgar language, but who curse and take God’s name in vain.
Now, I agree that Christians should not use vulgar language in their daily lives. It sends the wrong message to non-Christians about our love and respect for God’s creation. However, in the bedroom, behind closed doors, I believe certain words can be reclaimed. After all, I don’t think words are good or evil, it’s how we use them, the context, the tone, the intent behind them. Even the Bible can be used inappropriately. In Quebec (a province of Canada), some of the worst swear words are derived from things related to the church. Words relating to communion, tabernacle, sacraments, chalices and such said with the right inflections are considered extremely rude language, because at the time, the Catholic church ruled Quebec with an iron first. So, any mention of the church was said with animosity. The point is, words used inappropriately are wrong. So, what is the appropriate use for these words? I think that’s up to each couple to decide whether certain words are appropriate in their own bedroom between the two of them.
Used appropriately, in the bedroom, between spouses, they can take on a different meaning than our culture gives them. My wife never uses foul language. However, inside the bedroom, these same words, when occasionally spoken by her, bring excitement and passion. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s taboo or naughty, or because of the rarity or because it’s exciting to see a spouse so lost in passion that they step out of character and are vulnerable, or that it’s that she’s willing to push her boundaries to turn me on. Perhaps it’s all of the above.
In our bedroom, these words take on new meanings, they convey love and passion, they become special, almost a secret between us that is shared with no one else. In that way, I think Christians can reclaim these words, to use them in the appropriate context.
If you want to read more about the topic, I’d suggest checking out our Introduction to Talking Dirty ebook.
As well, we’re getting very close (93% of the way there!) to our next supporters goal. If you have an interest in joining our supporters community and forum to show your support and get access to these questions as they come in, as well as an amazing sex-positive Christian community, then check out our supporters page.