SWM 085 – December 2021 Anonymous Questions

Topics Include:
Wet Dreams
Money and Marriage
Handjobs and control
Is my dead husband still with me?
Are dreams sinful?
How do I take control of my marriage?
Sex once a year
Is it wrong for a widow to have desires?
Unsatisfied with little sex
Wife suddenly changed oral skills
Best position for first time
Is oral sex a sin?
Husband has a lot more experience
Movies to get in the mood
Prepping for anal sex
How can I get my wife to show more passion?
Issues with wife's self-esteem
Questions about lube
Realistic toys

Today we’re finishing up the questions we received from 2021 from our anonymous Have A Question page.  There were quite a few and our family has been sick, so it’s taken me a bit to get through them all.  But, I finally did it and we’re on the mend.  I’ve also been busy kicking off the first cohort of the year for our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course.  There’s still time to join if you’re interested, but I’m going to be closing it down until the next cohort shortly.

With that out of the way, let’s get to the questions.

Question 1 – Wet Dreams

I struggle with wet dreams. My wife and I have sexual activity once a week, either sex or a handjob. If we’re planning to have sex sometimes that can slip to a few days longer than a week if we are busy or tired. When that happens I’ll have a wet dream day 7-10, and then I won’t have as much desire for when we were planning to have sex the next day or so. Is there something I can wear at night to stop the wet dreams?

We tried doing a handjob once it’s been a week so I don’t get a wet dream, but then if she wants to have sex the day or two after I have less desire.  A few times she’s been irked with me and so she’s purposefully not finished a handjob, letting go right before the finish which is frustrating because semen comes out but it doesn’t feel great like an orgasm. The times she did that I deserved it and it was kinder than giving me nothing since I don’t masturbate.  Since an unfinished handjob leaves me full of desire but still drains the pipes could that be a fix to the wet dreams? Or wearing something at night to prevent an erection?

I think there are three issues here to address.  Let’s talk about the wet dreams first.  Wet dreams are normal, many men experience them when they’re younger.  I’m not aware of any way to stop them other than having sex more often, and trying to stop an erection is not a good idea, I don’t think.

Now, the second is that you lose your desire for sex after a wet dream.  That is a bit unusual and may be indicative of low testosterone.  If you’re young enough to have wet dreams, I find it a bit odd that you’d lose your desire for sex for days after having one.  So, that may be something to look into, because low testosterone can impact your life in a lot of ways and it would be better to know early on.

Lastly, the power dynamic here is … odd.  It sounds like your wife sometimes offers a hand job just so that she can punish you with it.  That’s just cruel.  On top of that, it sounds a bit like she’s manipulating you and making you feel like you deserved her cruelty.  That’s starting to sound like abuse.  I hope I’m merely misunderstanding but if I’m not, I suggest seeking out a qualified therapist.

Question 2 – Money and marriage

Why is it that when you have money, your wife will keep to your instructions, when you don’t have she’ll not mind you? When you want to have intercouse, she will lie down flat telling you that she’s tired, and when you are having intercourse she won’t move her body? Why is this happening?

The short answer – it’s probably not because of money.  Other than that, I don’t have much to go on.  I suggest you book a free discovery session with me and we can try to figure out what’s going on.

Question 3 – Handjobs and control

I read your post on using condoms for handjobs (SWM082 – Question 3).  Bodily fluids really put me off so right after getting married my amazing husband of 3+ years agreed to wear a condom for handjobs.  He told me it’s like half as enjoyable with a condom on but this convinced him… if he wears one he gets a handjob every week plus our usual amount of sex.  But unlike the other wives in your post I never give him a handjob without a condom… I’ve tried in the past but it’s too icky for me. Sometimes he asks me to rub him over his underwear instead.  He wears boxers but it works best over his tighty whities because the fabric is thin and soft, his erection doesn’t pop out above the high waistband, they can be bleached in the wash after, and they’re a bit see-thru which is erotic.  Even over fabric, I get him to finish in a few minutes because he doesn’t masturbate.  I don’t mind doing it this way because my hands stay clean.  It feels a little juvenile and that makes me feel guilty…like it’s that bad with a condom on that he wants to be rubbed over his briefs instead?  But he enjoys it both ways. 

I confided all this to a close friend who made me feel real bad by saying oh your poor husband and how much better her husband has it…how she gives him a weekly blowjob(!), sex twice a week(!),  never a condom for handjobs… sorry but that’s just not me.  My husband is always grateful for his weekly handjob. He tells me how he looks forward to it all week and he thanks me after.  I give him an extra handjob a few times a year like on his birthday, if he gets a promotion at work, completes a major DIY project, or does something special for me.   And I make him skip a week a few times a year if he does something to deserve that. If his handjobs were more frequent this motivation and his passion for sex would drop.  And we both really enjoy sex 2-3 times a month.

I know I am more squeamish than most, and probably our frequency is below average. So am I not fulfilling my sexual duties as a wife by only doing handjobs this way or only handjobs and sex this often? Or since it seems to work for our marriage should I rid myself of this guilt and these comparisons to other married couples?

Honestly, if you’re concerned about fulfilling your duties, then I’d be more focused on how you’re using sex as a manipulation tactic than about the materials involved in a handjob.

You say you both really enjoy sex 2-3 times a month – the average for happy couples is 2-3 times per week.  So, that’s a quarter of what most men would be content with.  Then a couple of times a year, you might give him an extra handjob if he’s a good boy – that’s how it reads.  It feels a bit like doling out treats to a dog or a child for good behaviour.  Then, to go further, you say that you use sex to punish him if he’s been bad.

Forget duty, let’s focus on love.  None of this feels loving.  It feels manipulative and coercive.  If you want to focus on something to improve your sex life – I’d start there.  

Question 4 – Is my dead husband still with me

My husband passed on 3 years ago and I kept my promise to him which was that I wouldn’t break our wedding vows and I haven’t but he was cremated, and I am wondering is he with me all the time and touching me where he used to before he passed on?

I have a couple of thoughts here that I’m sure will upset some people.  Frankly, I don’t know how to say it without doing so.  The first is that wedding vows typically include a clause “until death we do part”, which means after a spouse dies, the vow is now ended.  If you desire to find another spouse, you are free to.  He won’t mind.  I know that because the Bible tells us that “the dead know nothing” (Ecc 9:5).

And, when he does become conscious again when Jesus returns, he’ll either repent of his selfishness in demanding that you remain alone, or he’s going to be preoccupied with something else.

As for whether or not he’s with you – no.  I would say the Bible is very clear that the dead are dead.  They sleep.  They’re not with us, they’re not in heaven, they’re not with Jesus, they’re just dead.

Now, that’s going to offend some people’s beliefs, if that’s you, please check out the post What happens when you die, where I go through the Bible and you show you the verses that spell this out.  You may also want to read the comments as they go into even more detail in cases where there are some confusing verses.  I’m more than willing to hash out any questions, arguments, discussions, disagreements, etc. that you might have.  

Question 5 – Are dreams sinful?

Hi, I am newly married and my husband and I are still learning to communicate sexually. We both struggle with initiation, my husband more than myself. Occasionally I have sexual dreams (they are not always coherent enough for me to know if it is my husband or not that is my partner in the dreams). Sometimes it’s clear it is, sometimes I’m not sure, sometimes it’s clear it’s not.  Given that it is my subconscious, with dreams in general, I often dream about people when I’m processing, not all of it makes sense and I’m not sure how much control I have over my dreams but I don’t want to abnegate responsibility either. I grew up a conservative Christian and waited for sex until marriage but did have sexual dreams before marriage. What I’m struggling with is twofold: first, are my dreams, where it is not my husband, indicative of sexual sin in my heart?  And this one may answer itself, but assuming it’s not sinful, is using the sexual arousal I feel when I wake up to initiate sex with my husband, sinful?

Alright, are your dreams indicative of sexual sin in your heart?  I don’t believe so.  While I don’t have a specific verse to point to, there is a basic principle woven throughout the Bible that we are responsible for our choices.  A dream is not a choice.  It may be a temptation, but temptations are not sin – temptations are things to be fought against so that we may not sin.  Even Jesus was tempted.

As for initiating sex with your husband when you feel aroused – I think that’s the proper action.  Refocus arousal and sexuality towards him.  

Now, some will twist this to say “well, then it’s okay that I go out and watch things that get me aroused so long as I only have sex with my spouse”, but that’s not the same thing at all.  In that sort of scenario, those are now choices – that person chooses to be aroused by someone else.  I’d argue that’s a form of infidelity – to actively seek out to be aroused by someone other than your spouse.

But in your case, questioner, no, I don’t think this is sinful at all.  The reason we say it’s “unconscious” or “subconscious” is that we have no choice in those states.  It’s what you do when you have choices that matters.

Question 6 – How do I take control of my marriage

I have been married for 16 years and we have had a troubled sex life the whole time. We have sex on average once every two weeks. She gets annoyed that I ask for it and responds with anger and frustration. I am angry and hurt at the constant rejection. It has been a cycle of hurt for nearly all our 16 years. As you put it in a previous episode, she has veto power. She also applies strict limits when we do make love. No intercourse (due to untreated vaginismus, which is fair enough) but also no oral and no touching me without a condom. That said, what we do is fun and I think I’d be happy with those narrow limits if it were frequent. My question is: how do I take control of my situation? If, as I think you would teach, divorce, sex outside marriage and solo activity are all wrong, what choice or agency do I have left? Do I just have to stoically push on, and suppress my desire for sexualizing intimacy? I can’t see any other alternative other than the options that are considered wrong. Thanks for listening.

Yeah, that’s a difficult situation.  And the unsatisfactory answer is that you can’t “take control of the situation” exactly because the situation involves two people, and you can’t control other people.  I mean, you can coerce them, manipulate them, make them fearful, force them (all of which are bad), but you can’t really control them.

What you can control are your own actions.  You can continue to do the right things, even when it’s hard.  So, yes, you push on, but you don’t suppress your desire.  You express it, but you work on not feeling hurt when she doesn’t meet your desires.  

Now, that said, there are things you can do to move towards resolving this.  I think the first would be to start working on communication.  If you can’t talk about it, you can’t solve it.  So, I’ve put the sex issue aside for now and ask her if she would be willing to work on improving communication.  

Alongside that, I would work on trying to understand your wife better.  Work harder to see her perspective, to understand her side of the situation.  Most of the time, conflicts occur because we can’t see what the other person sees, or feel what they feel.  A lot of the time I spend in coaching is trying to explain one side to the other and visa-versa.

So, work on attitudes and communication first.

Once you can have a conversation without fighting, then try to tackle the sexual problems.  Even when you get to that point, I’d start by asking questions to understand your spouse better.  Like asking “is this what you envisioned our sex life would be like when we got married?” Then let her answer inform the next step.

Question 7 – Sex once a year

For 16 years, my wife and I have sex once a year. She has problems with depression, but once a year to someone who would want sex multiple times per week is mental abuse. It is better for a man to marry than to burn, but if he is married, then what? Sex withholding is sexual immorality, but she is also my best friend and we have two kids. I’m 50 and this hell is not going away. What do I do?

The first question I have is – why aren’t you having sex more often? It’s implied that she just doesn’t want to, but why not?  Is it because it hurts? Does she feel ashamed of sex? Does she believe she should only have sex when she’s in the mood?  Does she believe sex is sinful unless you’re procreating?  I mean, there are a lot of potential reasons.  It’s pretty rare to find a spouse who is intentionally depriving their husband or wife out of malicious intent.  You may feel it’s abusive, but she likely isn’t intending it to be.  So, find out why.  Because it matters.  Understanding the why is the first part of figuring out how to fix it.  

Now, after 16 years, it’s going to be difficult to change the status quo, so to those listening out there, if you’re starting to see this pattern, don’t wait.  But, it’s still not impossible.  I’ve seen worse.

I’d start there.  Send me an email when you have that answer.

Question 8 – Is it wrong for a widow to have desires?

I’m a widow of 3 1/2 years. I miss my husband so much. I still have the desires of a younger woman. I’m 68 years old. Is someone wrong with me? I feel guilty when this happens. Masturbating. But I’m so lonely. Please help.

I can’t imagine what that’s like.  I’m afraid the only counsel I can give is to echo Paul’s words:

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. – 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

How you go about finding another spouse, I’m afraid I’m not an expert at that.  I would hope that by 68, I will have lost some of my reservations to time and simply put it out there that I’m looking for a spouse.  I would imagine there must be many men in a similar situation, some of which already had experience in good, healthy marriages who miss sharing their life with someone.

Question 9 – Unsatisfied with little sex

Wife and I have been married 5 years and I am so unsatisfied sexually.  We do have sex once a week and it’s really only to have orgasms.  There is no intimacy at all. Also, it’s the same every time. I would like for her to do oral and swallow.  She won’t.  I’d like for her to touch me on my body.  She won’t.  I’d like for her to kiss me all over. She won’t.  We’ve had conversations about this but she resists me and my desires.  I just feel like I’m a penis for her to get a weekly orgasm.  Is there anything I can do?  I have started to just want to daydream of fantasies with women who want me like I want to be wanted.  No women in particular, just beautiful women. I hate this and it goes against my morals, but I just don’t feel sexually wanted. I’m 47 and she is 39.  I used to do oral for her several times a week to completion and she loved it as did I. I don’t do any anymore because I don’t get it in return.  To be transparent she will suck on me for about 15 seconds before we have sex.  This is mainly to get everything lubed up, not for my satisfaction. I used to kiss her all over and touch her all over but don’t anymore because she has never done that for me.  Basically I got tired of putting out when she never would. I don’t know anymore and I have started to think of divorce which I don’t want, but I need at least some satisfaction with sex.  Please help. 

As usual, the first question is – have you talked to her about this?  In all that, there’s no expression of her perspective, her thoughts, her views, really anything about her at all except that she won’t do what you want.

The second is that you want her to be more giving in the bedroom, and so you’re withholding things you know she likes.  I mean, I get that you’re hurt, but all you’ve done is speed up the rate at which your sex life is going to decay.

The good news is, you’re only 5 years in.  So, as with many of the other questions – start talking, understand her perspective.  Ask questions to understand, not to coerce.  Then you can work together to find a path forward that’s mutually enjoyable.

But reading over your question, I think it’s likely something else is going on in the marriage that is bleeding over into your sex life.  I think that’s the likely cause while I don’t have enough information to try and figure out what it is.  But that’s probably a good place to start.

Question 10 – Wife suddenly changed oral skills

My wife just recently out of nowhere changed the way she gives me oral sex. It made me wonder how the switch came about. She didn’t practice that on me prior so how was she so good at the way she was doing it the way she was. According to her, I am the first to ever get a start to finish from her. She also claims not to care for it too much but is extremely talented in that department.

Congratulations?  If you’re worried about where she learned it from – who knows.  I mean, with the proliferation of explicit sexual information these days, it could have been on a billboard for all we know.  Unless you have some other reason to suspect infidelity, I wouldn’t automatically jump to that conclusion.  Why not ask her where she learned it?

It’s also quite possible that she just decided to try something new to see if it would work.  I do that a lot – often what I’ve come up with is a terrible idea, and my wife says “don’t do that, that doesn’t feel good” but some ideas really work.

Question 11 – Best position for first time

Hi Jay

You provide such a great forum for asking questions and getting helpful, thoughtful and faith-based answers. Thank you so much.

My question isn’t a very deep one! When making love for the first time after the marriage, if one or both of the partners are virgins, should they start in the missionary position? If so, when do you suggest introducing new positions? Is this something which is sensible to talk about beforehand?

Thanks again

You’re welcome!  

Honestly, I’d probably suggest a woman on top position for the first time like this one:

She’s more likely to experience pain and/or discomfort during sex than him during the first time, and this position will let her control the depth, speed, etc..  Plus, it’s easier for her to grind her clitoris against his pelvis, which makes it easier for her to orgasm.  It’s still close, you can both look in each other’s eyes, hold each other, kiss, etc..  

It does require her to be more assertive though, which is a turnoff for some women.  

But that would be my suggestion for a first position.

As for other positions – any time.  Most couples don’t stick to one position.  Often one spouse orgasms easier in one position, and the other in another position, so they may start with one position that they both enjoy, then switch to one where she can orgasm, then switch to a third where he can.  Or more.

But don’t be afraid of trying new positions.  

Question 12 – Is oral sex a sin?

Is oral sex a sin if you are married to your wife.

I’m assuming you mean having oral sex with your spouse.  You know, I don’t think anyone’s ever actually asked me this question before.  We’ve had a lot of questions about oral sex:

Is oral sex sin before marriage?
Is oral sex unsanitary?
What can you do if your wife is too ticklish for oral sex?
How many husbands actually like giving oral sex?
How many wives actually like giving oral sex?
Can you have oral sex after intercourse?
Oral sex and yeast infections
What if I can’t make my husband orgasm from oral sex?
And we did a survey on orgasming from oral sex
Another survey on oral sex

But I don’t think I actually have a post on whether or not oral sex is a sin.  We all just more or less asserted that it isn’t without any sort of proof or logical reasoning.  I think part of the reason for that is that I don’t think I’d have a leg to stand on if I tried to play devil’s advocate and say it is a sin.  

Usually, I could make some sort of argument (I do like to argue after all), but, I mean, why would it be?  

On the other hand, some will argue that oral sex is in Song of Solomon, which I think is plausible and would lean in that direction, but because of all the metaphors, it’s not a concrete argument you can use to convince someone.

So, I’m going to go with my assumption that it’s not unless I can see some reason why it would be.

Question 13 – Husband has a lot more experience

Hi Jay!

I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost five years now, although we have been together for almost seven years. Before we married, he did let me know that he had had other physical relationships in the past, including live-in girlfriends, one-night-stands, porn when he was single, etc. All of that is in the past. He actually had us marry before I moved in with him because he did not want to make the same mistakes that he did with his previous girlfriends. He is my first and only. In the last several years we have both been under a lot of stress. We are working to improve our communication and marriage. He had mentioned that some of his previous relationships were more passionate (I.e., I assume in bed, more spontaneous, etc). He had mentioned that his previous girlfriends were not “good girls.” I’m not completely sure what he meant by that and at the time I was hurt that he said he had had more passionate sex so I did not ask for him to elaborate. I know that he was being honest and not trying to hurt me. We are working in our marriage to be more honest and not hold everything in.  I know that I have limited experience and that there is a lot of stuff that I do not know when it comes to sex. I know that we are attracted to each other and he never has any trouble with orgasms. I found your podcast when I was searching for Christian-related resources regarding sex.

I was raised without the sex talk (or really any of the talks), although I knew that sex should be with one person, your spouse, and it is a blessing from God. I know that I could be considered prudish sometimes just because I feel embarrassed talking about sex.

Do you have any ideas for making sex more spontaneous and passionate? Do you have any advice for him? I think there are some things regarding sex that he is afraid to suggest to me because I feel awkward talking about sex, in general.  Thank you in advance for your advice.

Yeah, that’s a struggle when you both come from almost opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of sexual experience.  I have a post called Why marriage ruins sex that I highly suggest you check out because I’m not going to repeat everything here and I think it will help answer some of your questions.

My advice for him is more or less – you screwed up.  You weren’t supposed to be this far ahead.  You were supposed to learn together, to grow together, to explore together.  It’s bit like running up ahead on a hike.  Now you get to sit and wait while your spouse catches up.  It’s not her fault she’s behind.  It’s not her fault she’s not experienced.  She actually did the right thing.  You’re allowed to feel annoyed, upset, frustrated, etc..  Just remember that those feelings should be directed at yourself, not her.  I’m not saying beat yourself up over it.  In fact, I think you should forgive yourself.  But you also have to then be willing to let her catch up at the pace she’s going to take.  Because not only did you run ahead, you’ve thrown obstacles in her path.  So, be patient and be kind.

And for you, I actually have a course for wives to learn to be more sexually engaged.  We have 18 wives going through it right now, they just started in the last week or so, so you can still jump in if you’re interested.  

Question 14 – Movies to get in the mood

What are some movies that my wife and I could watch to get us in the mood for sex. Mostly her. Obviously no porn. Thanks

Well, I’d stay away from romantic comedies.  I read a study a few years ago saying that women who watched romantic comedies tend to see their own relationships in a less positive light.

Honestly, I think watching movies to get in the mood is generally a bad idea because then you’re using the movie to get aroused.  Whether or not it’s porn, you’re using it as porn.  

For us, we just watch tv – it doesn’t matter what it is.  Star Wars, a youtube video of woodturning, The Grand Tour – It’s not the show that matters, it’s the shared experience of watching it together, of enjoying it, sharing life.  Plus, we add in some massaging, and by the time the show is done, we’re generally pretty warmed up.

Question 15 – Prepping for anal sex

My wife and I may be interested in trying anal sex for the first time.  However, we are concerned about how much fecal matter is involved during the act. Is there a way to safely clean out her rectum, besides having a bowel movement, prior to engaging in anal sex?  I’m curious as to what you and others think.  Or do most people just go with it and deal with the clean-up afterwards?

We’ve never had much trouble with that.  Other people say “fecal matter happens” – you know because some people get really upset if I say shit on a Christian podcast/blog.  Others use enemas to ensure there are no surprises.  As a general rule, typically there isn’t much fecal matter in the rectum unless your body is preparing to defecate.  So, unless you sort of have to go, or just recently went – there’s typically not much to worry about.  I’d say make sure she has a good bowel movement, take a shower, then go slowly.  Use lots of lube, stop if it hurts, make sure she’s very aroused.  If it hurts, you’re doing something wrong.

Oh, and don’t try to just jump into anal sex right away, use fingers first.

Question 16 – How can I get my wife to show more passion?

Topics Include:
Wet Dreams
Money and Marriage
Handjobs and control
Is my dead husband still with me?
Are dreams sinful?
How do I take control of my marriage?
Sex once a year
Is it wrong for a widow to have desires?
Unsatisfied with little sex
Wife suddenly changed oral skills
Best position for first time
Is oral sex a sin?
Husband has a lot more experience
Movies to get in the mood
Prepping for anal sex
How can I get my wife to show more passion?
Issues with wife's self-esteem
Questions about lube
Realistic toys

I had informed my wife that it is important to me that she shows me that she desire’s me as well. In that sometimes she can initiate sex, and that when we are having sex do more than just be there and I be the one making it happen? How can I get her to show some passion?

My wife loves for me to perform oral sex on her as a matter of fact since she read it in a book she believes the only way she can have an orgasm is thru oral sex. What can I do to convince her this is not true?

How can you get her to show some more passion?  I’d say get her more aroused.  That’s probably the easiest way.

As for the oral sex issue, I actually did a small survey on wives’ orgasm experiences quite a while ago, and had 111 wives answer.  Now, they listed vaginal sex as the easiest way to orgasm, and then manual stimulation, followed by oral sex. 

However, it’s true that many women list oral sex as higher on the list, but the industry standard is that only about 30% of wives can orgasm from vaginal sex (it seems to be a bit higher in the Uncovering Intimacy community).  Also, there are studies that say the more you learn about biology and as you get more experience, your ability to orgasm in general and in a variety of ways increases.

But, I’d show her that survey, because it will at least break the idea that oral sex isn’t the only possible method.  Of course, if she’s uninterested in trying other methods, then facts aren’t going to help.

Question 17 – Issues with wife’s self-esteem

My spouse has problems with self-esteem and I’m not being successful in my attempts to help with that. She’s recently lost weight and I am proud of her for it. But always tell her that I would love her at any size. My laid back comments (you look nice, love that shirt, your hair looks great) are met with eye rolls, my more forward compliments (butt pats, pulling her in for a kiss, and purposely over-ogling) are met with frustration that I’m treating her like a piece of meat.

Anyways the poor self-esteem spills over into the bedroom. She does not want to have sex, does not respond to requests for intimacy, doesn’t open herself up for massages as a place to start (doesn’t want to be touched), and then we’ll go 4-6 weeks without sex.

I don’t know how to approach the situation now as when we spoke last about sex she stated she was frustrated that I always want to try something new and that I’m adventurous. I told her that it is because I want her to enjoy sex more. Because she doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much as I do.

Yeah, that’s frustrating, isn’t it?  I think a lot of guys are in the same position.  There’s an awful catch-22 here.  She doesn’t want to have sex, because she’s not feeling confident.  But if you try to compliment her and help her feel more confident, it’s seen as you just trying to get sex.

I think there are two ways to deal with this.  The first is to try and find a phrasing that might break through her defences.  My wife suggested focusing on comments that show you are proud of her commitment to health, how far she’s come, etc..  Focus on her as a person.  It’s a good idea.

The other way is to agree and escalate – which is how I tend to deal with silliness.  If my wife says “you’re just saying that to get sex”, I’d probably say something like “absolutely, you look amazing and I want to rip your clothes off right here and show you just how much you turn me on” and I’d likely get an eye roll and a giggle or a “there are kids around” but she’d also be smiling.

Now, the key is that when she shoots you down after doing that, you have to immediately shrug it off.  Because if you get annoyed or upset, or show a hint of sadness, then she’s going to think you’re just trying to get sex rather than being playful.  So, that ability to shrug off rejection is important, but a hard skill to learn.

A mixture of both (not at the same time, switch between the two) works pretty well I think.

Question 18 – Questions about lube

My wife seems to “dry out” during penetration. I’ll end up with the top of my penis getting “raw” and she will complain of a similar feeling. She will be plenty aroused during foreplay but then when it comes to the main event is not wet enough.

I recommended we try using lube but she expressed displeasure on having to stop and apply before continuing and was worried about it affecting her pH balance. I assured her that they design lube to be used in a vagina but she is still critical. Any ideas?

What is the best lube for piv sex?

That’s very normal.  I’d say don’t stop and apply, but rather start with lube.  

As for pH, it’s true, some people have issues with some lubricants.  As a general rule, stay away from anything that has sugar in it.  We use coconut oil a lot, and I know a lot of people do.  We also tend to use sweet almond oil quite a bit, because we use it for massages.  As well, almost every major brand of lubricant has a product that’s designed to be more natural.  For example, System Jo has their Naturallove Organic lube.

Try some out.  I mean, there’s a good chance you have coconut oil already in your pantry.  If you find it bothers you, try something else.

Question 19 – Realistic toys

My wife has agreed to do pegging with me and she has digitally stimulated me in the past without issue. However, she has a stipulation that the pegging toy cannot look like a penis. She claims this would be making the toy an idol and would also border on me playing the role of being penetrated by a guy if it looks like a penis. Do you think there is a biblical foundation for this belief? Obviously, if she has an issue with it I just won’t do it. But, I find it difficult to find toys that aren’t shaped like a penis. Especially if you are looking for larger/longer toys. 

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not want something that would make her feel like it’s a replacement for something real.  I don’t have a strong biblical foundation for this, but many people have the same rules regarding toys in general – nothing realistic.  It just feels innately wrong.


And that’s it for today.  If you disagree with any of my comments or have something you’d like to add, please, comment below.  I’d love to have more discussions.  If you’re feeling shy and prefer to do it in a more private space, consider joining our supporters’ group where we have a private forum.  All our supporters get to see the questions as they come in and discuss them.  We get into some quite lengthy discussions which are a lot of fun.  They’re informative, without being erotic and it’s awesome to see such a diverse group being so kind to each other, even when we disagree on fundamental issues.

And if you have a question of your own, don’t forget you can either email me ([email protected]), or submit it anonymously on our Have A Question page.

3 thoughts on “SWM 085 – December 2021 Anonymous Questions”

  1. Sarah says:

    Hello! I wanted to comment to Jay and the individual who’s story was shared in Question #6 …

    Obviously as an outside reading this scenario, I have no other information aside from what was shared but my thought to Jay (who offers so much practical and helpful feedback) and to the husband (who sounds understandably conflicted about the ongoing situation he is in) is that there may be underlying trauma far predating the sexual troubles presenting in this marriage. I’m not a counselor or a therapist so I in no way have clinical expertise – but I am a woman who has experienced physical trauma and sexual abuse and I have done much work with counselors and mentors and with my own husband, towards healing the bodily effects of those experiences.

    Recently I read a book I want to recommend to your readers called The Body Keeps the Score which is a well researched work that explores the way the body and mind are affected by trauma of all kinds (not limited to the effects of sexual abuse but includes PTSD in veterans, traumatic life events that people experience such as car accidents, loss, medical procedures gone wrong, and violent events like being attacked/mugged or those who were present on 9/11). The author offers much education about how the nervous system is made to work, how trauma changes the way we experinece the world in our bodies, how the body and brain experience trauma and the potential long term impact on the individual, their relationships and their ability to safely experience intimacy.

    While there are non-abuse origins of Vaginismus, there are identified links between prior bodily trauma (tears during childbirth), medical issues involving the vagina (chronic UTI or yeast infections for example) … there is also a correlation between significant sexual trauma (sexual abuse of some kind) and the experience of Vaginismus, which makes perfect sense when you consider the dynamic between mind and body.

    Why is this significant in this case? It occurred to me while reading the write-in that, while I cannot know or confirm whether this is the situation of the woman described, it was the point of the husband to ask about control. If this wife has a history of trauma that has not been identified or healed in an appropriate and helpful manner, taking a stance of control in order to recieve sexual fulfillment could be more detrimental to the process of exploring the reasons for this bodily expression of interior chaos. (Again I cannot know if this is the case here so I am only postulating.)

    Penetration and intimate sexual behaviors may feel intolerable and overwhelming for a person who has been traumatized in their body. Body parts – even those of the beloved – which hold associations of previous pain or abuse or betrayal, may be difficult to engage with. Deep anguish and shame may be present but may be masked by self-protective reflexes to push back, to shut down, to reject advances. Sensory perceptions that are associated with feeling vulnerable or exposed may be overpowering, causing pleasure to be inaccessible for the individual with unhealed trauma. And obviously it is understandable that after so many years of experiencing the long standing “troubled sex life,” both partners would be expressing their frustration in their own ways. My heart hurts for both of you in this difficult dynamic. Again the remark about this being an experience present in the marital life since it began strengthens my sense that the issues pre-date marriage and may be quite significant.

    We often view the unpleasant symptoms of physical dysfunction or mental disintegration we experience as the enemy, and we seek ways to mute them with medications or control them in other ways. Because we are not merely sexual beings, there is much between the mind and body that God has beautifully crafted and that suffers in this broken world, leading to expressions we may not understand or feel equipped to respond to. Rather than looking at the symptoms as the source of despair (in this case, sexual difficulties can can symptomatic of something more profound), I want to suggest that symptoms are the language of the body communicating with us about areas that may be suffering.

    Because I’m not an expert in any of these matters, I won’t advise beyond a general agreement with Jay – that to come at any individual from a place of control is not appropriate. And this: I would add that your situation is difficult and I do not want to minimize it. Yet I believe there will be reasons for a spouse to respond this way and those reasons should be taken into consideration. To the man writing in or to others in similar situations, I see your challenging situation as an opportunity to do important work for and with your spouse. If there is willingness on your part, you have an opportunity to educate yourself about how trauma impacts the mind and the body, to tread gently in the direction of exploration of your beloved’s experience, to listen and to love selflessly. If there is willingness in the spouse, and trust in the marriage, there is an opportunity for her to (at her own pace) seek understanding and healing.

    I strongly recommend the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk and also a simultaneous read of The Soul of Shame by Dr. Curt Thompson. The first being an invaluable resource on trauma from the perspective of a researcher and the second being from the perspective of a Christian psychiatrist who offers much hope regarding the redemption of bodies and relationships.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks for sharing those resources!

  2. R says:

    Quickly browsed through the questions, can offer some thoughts on Q15 – prep for anal sex. I used to be paranoid about being spotless for anal sex, and have even used an enema once before. It was not pleasant and takes too much planning. Also medically it is not recommended as it flushes out some of the natural flora of the rectum, which can take some time to return to normal. The short answer is: “stuff” happens. My husband does not seem to mind, we are both mature adults. You have to be comfortable with your own body as a woman, and the husband has to be accepting and loving of you too. From what I understand, there is always little traces left on his penis (you can always use a condom to make clean up easier), but he cleans himself so discretely that I do not really know. The worst accident that we’ve had was when I was on top of him and then after he has finished tried to get up too suddenly. We had a pretty big clean up on our hands then. We have not had anal sex with me on top ever since. I would recommend that you stick to the doggy style position for anal sex also for the reason that if it gets a little messy your wife does not need to know about it, and does not need to be embarrassed. Good luck.

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