SWM 082 – October 2021 Questions – Consensual adultery, caught masturbating, handjobs with condoms and more

Nov 29, 2021 by Jay Dee in Podcast

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Topics Include:
Why do people think it's okay to commit adultery if their spouse is okay with it?
Caught son masturbating with his mom's underwear - what do I do?
Handjobs with condoms on?
Guilt about bachelorette party
Is crossdressing normal?
The TENUTO
How do I get my wife to come to bed?

Here we are for another monthly roundup of our anonymous questions from our Have A Question page, these ones are coming from October 2021. Hopefully, I’ll get this out before November ends.

Before we get to the 7 questions we have today though, I want to let you know that if you’re reading this before December 1st, you still have time to check out our Intimacy Advent Calendar, but not much time. Soon it’s going to be gone again for another year.

And, as previously mentioned, if you aren’t interested in buying it, but still want to play along at home, check out our Instagram page where I’ll be posting a card every day from December 1st until Christmas.

Oh, and lastly, we’re running a Black Friday/Cyber Monday deal – 50% off all digital products in the shop, just use the coupon code BLACKFRIDAY2021.

With that out of the way, let’s get on to the questions.

Question 1

Why do many couples today believe that if the other approves of their cheating with someone outside the marriage, it is not considered adultery?

It’s because people have taken God out of their lives. Marriage used to be a vow made before God that, among other things, you would only have sex with them. It wasn’t just a promise to the spouse, but a promise to God, because you believed that His way was good and right. So, then it doesn’t matter if your spouse thinks it’s okay – because God doesn’t, and your vow was to Him as well.

But we’ve taken God out of marriages. As well, we’ve taken the idea of absolute morality out of the mindset of most people as well – the idea that some things are just wrong, no matter what the circumstance is. Whereas Christianity is founded on the idea of “God is always right, and we are always sinful and so our desires are circumspect”, our society has moved towards an idea of “I am god, and my desires are always right”.

This is just an extension of that mentality – if I think it’s okay and my spouse thinks it’s okay, then it must be okay because our desires are the only thing that matters because there is no objective morality.

Question 2

I have a situation that recently happened and I am not sure how to handle it. I’m married with 2 kids, a 12-year-old boy almost 10-year-old daughter.
I came home early the other day and what I saw was horrifying. My kids sometimes use our bathroom to shower. I got home and I walked into my bedroom and I realized someone was in my bathroom the door was open a crack and in the bathroom mirror, I could clearly see that my son was MB and not sure what is worse seeing this or the next thing I notice he has a pair of my dirty panties in his hand. I was floored. He didn’t see me and I walked out. I haven’t told my husband as he would punish him.
I asked a couple of other moms and they kind of just laughed and said all men do this and it’s normal for men to use women’s dirty underwear.
Any advice.

Don’t leave your underwear lying around?

Honestly though, yeah, you should probably talk to your son. Now, I personally believe solo masturbation is an activity that’s going to set you up for failure in the long term (my reasoning is here if you want to disagree), but whether or not you agree with that assessment, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a discussion that:

Sex (solo or not) shouldn’t involve people other than your spouse – that includes people accidentally walking by and seeing you, so it should probably be somewhere private
That he should respect other people’s property and masturbating using your underwear is a violation of that

I think it’s also important to remember he’s twelve years old, and if you don’t have open conversations about sex, then how is he supposed to know what’s acceptable behaviour and what isn’t? So, there’s no reason to get upset at him – he frankly likely doesn’t know any better, and at this stage, that’s more an outcome of your conversations with him, or lack thereof, than anything else.

Question 3

My wife prefers to give me handjobs with a condom on. She finds it much easier for clean-up and likes not having to worry about where and when I finish. She puts some lube inside a condom and then she will give me a handjob with everything inside. It feels better without a condom, which she will do once in a while for me, but I like it with one OK too. Is it common for Christian couples to use condoms for handjobs? Should I support her by wearing one?

—

Hello,
My wife has a lower sex drive than I do so she frequently gives me hand relief. The sex is wonderful and I’m blessed that it’s more frequent than many couples, but my natural drive is just higher than hers. She used to always let me finish into a towel, but a while ago a married friend told her how she likes to use condoms with lube inside for her husband’s handjobs because of the easy clean-up. So we tried condoms and then my wife asked if we could start doing it that way too and I agreed. It’s not as pleasurable but it still feels great and she likes it much better than using a towel since there’s no lube or semen mess. I want to encourage the frequency of handjobs and also be considerate of her preferences. Should I make this small sacrifice and get used to wearing a condom most times since the handjobs still feel good and I have great sex and frequent handjobs to be grateful for? Or should I push for a compromise, like only with a condom on when she’s tired?

Let’s start with “is it common”? I don’t have any statistics on this, but I can tell you that two of the men in our supporter’s forum said they do the same thing in their marriage. So, you’re certainly not alone.

Should you agree to this, or should you push for a compromise? Personally, I hate the term compromise because compromising basically means both of you are losing. It describes a zero-sum game where either one or the other can win, but not both. And so, you both decide to lose a bit in order to keep the peace. I don’t like the battle mentality (you vs your spouse), nor the idea that you both have to lose in order to keep the peace.

Instead, I prefer to change the focus of the discussion. Rather than focus on what you or your wife wants, focus on what is best for the marriage. Is there a net gain between the two of you, or a net loss by using them? That’s going to be different for each marriage. This way you two can both have your “selfish” desires – for lack of a better word, but look at them in an unselfish way. What this requires though is both spouses to be honest about their desires.

For example, both these husbands say handjobs are still okay with a condom – so, the condom doesn’t negate their purpose entirely. How do the wives feel? Well, we know one is willing to do it occasionally without a condom, so not wearing a condom isn’t a deal-breaker. In that case, then it seems to make sense to use a condom most of the time as it’s likely to result in more handjobs, but keeping it so that occasionally it happens without will make it feel like the husband’s desires are also being considered.

And that’s how I’d frame the discussion. “I know you want to use condoms for handjobs, and I’m okay with that, but I’d really like us not to use them from time to time as well because I really like the skin-on-skin contact from it. It makes me feel connected. I think it would also help me feel like we’re working together to find a solution that works for both of us if those could happen occasionally.”

I hope that helps.

Question 4

I got married just over a year ago. I am filled with guilt because unknown to me my girlfriends hired 5 strippers. I was shocked because my aunt and my mom were there. Everyone had been drinking a lot. The guys stripped off needles to say all were huge. There were 12 of us. They went round everyone and put their manhood in everyone’s face. All my friends are married but 2. I was last so because I was the bride they tried to do more. They put a chair in the center of the room and I had to sit on it. They just dance to begin then one of them asked me to stand up and he sat on the chair he grabbed my hips and forced me to sit on his lap and he was grinding his penis against my vagina. I had on a short dress. He hiked my dress up to my waist in front of everyone. Being a little drunk next thing I know I am having an orgasm and everyone knows cause I am pretty loud. So embarrassing. There’s more but I just wanted to discuss this. I feel obligated to tell my husband out of guilt.

That has got to be difficult to have lived with for the last year. And scary to consider telling your still new husband.

Now, a lot of things went wrong there. There was drinking involved, friends and family who not only didn’t protect you from the activities but were complicit in them, add to that that you’re the center of attention, and I would imagine under a lot of pressure to keep the party going and not shut it down.

Unfortunately, those are just the reasons why it was harder to do the right thing – not an excuse for not doing the right thing. The reason you feel guilt is because you did something wrong – arguably a bunch of things wrong. And that’s the point of godly guilt – to push you towards repentance. I’d argue that you should apologize to your friends and family as well because you did not model a good example to them. In some ways, at this point, they need an apology more than your husband, because his life has been, so far, not directly affected by your actions, whereas theirs has.

Nevertheless, I agree, you have wronged your husband as well in this, and even setting aside whether or not it’s right to tell him, you have witnesses – and a lot of them. As well, given that alcohol seems to be a factor in your family’s lifestyle, there’s a good chance one of them is going to accidentally let something slip at some point in your life, and that’s something that might be better off getting ahead of.

I guess the implied question here is “how do I tell him”? With humility and clear remorse. Don’t try to hide what happened, don’t try to shift the blame. Take responsibility for your actions, make it clear that you made bad decisions, but that you are determined to make better ones moving forward. Apologize, then ask for forgiveness.

That’s all you can do.

Question 5

Is crossdressing normal? Still very straight but loves to wear panties. My wife hates it but I have done it from a very young age.

We get at least one crossdressing question a month these days. So, yeah, it seems to be getting more prevalent – but I don’t think it’s good. If you want to know why check out my post on crossdressing.

Question 6

Did you check out the TENUTO?

For those who don’t know, the TENUTO is a toy designed for men and couples by the company MysteryVibe. I actually own one – however, I found it big, awkward, bulky and, well, just not great.

I think it’s a neat idea, but I think it needs another generation or two of development to become practical. At this point, I’d much rather use a Tor2 if I was looking for something similar (though much simpler).

Question 7

I have been married to my wife for 18 years and have 3 kids(9, 12, and 17 years old). Our sex is ok and it’s always quick because we are so worried about the kids walking in. Lately, we have had the perfect time when the kids are asleep to be together but my wife just wants to be left alone. Also, my wife likes to lay down with our 9-year-old and fall asleep in his room. That happens about 4 times a week. I tell my wife to come to our bed but she says she wants to relax and be on social media. So basically while we are ready for bed I guess I make her not relaxed? What should I do to have my wife lay in bed with me again?

Well, firstly, I’d get a lock for the bedroom door to solve the worry about the kids walking in. They’re pretty cheap, generally easy to install with just a screwdriver and they come with instructions in case you’ve never done it before.

Then, assuming she likes massages, I’d buy her a couples massage course for Christmas, like Melt – by that I mean, you buy the course, and you learn to do the massages on her. Then you offer her massages.

This solves a few problems:

It gets her into the bedroom at bedtime.
It helps her relax.
It’s an easy way to transition to foreplay and then sex.

I give my wife at least some massaging or backrub almost every day using the stuff I learned from Melt. As such, it’s become a habit for her to come in the bedroom, lock the door strip down and get into bed – every night – even if I’m not giving her a massage.

That’s how I made our bedroom a place of relaxation that my wife actually wanted to go to.

And that’s all we have for this month. I do have one more question that I’m going to answer in a separate post about husbands with low sex drives, so stay tuned for that. That question is coming up so often, I thought I’d write an entire post on it so I can refer to it in the future. So, if that’s your question – it’s coming.

Other than that, don’t forget to check out our Black Friday/Cyber Monday sale, our Intimacy Advent Calendar in particular, or check out our Instagram page to play along this season.

As always, thank you to our amazing supporters to help keep us going and helping to answer all the questions we get, as well as being my proofreaders. You all are awesome. If you want to become one, check out our donate page – by the way, our $5+ supporters get the Intimacy Advent Calendar free.