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SWM 075 – May 2021 Questions – How we look at sex, refractory periods, asking about orgasms and more

In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:
How we look at sex
Why we have refractory periods
Whether or not it’s common for a husband to have to ask his wife if she had an orgasm
A husband who is secretly purchasing toys
A widow who wants to know what happened to her husband who was cremated

Today we’re answering May’s questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. As always, these are asked anonymously without any contact information, which means we have no context beyond what is shared.  We’re going to tackle how we look at sex, why we have refractory periods, whether or not it’s common for a husband to have to ask his wife if she had an orgasm, a husband who is secretly purchasing toys and, lastly, a widow who wants to know what happened to her husband who was cremated.

Before we jump into that, I want to let you know about a couple Father’s Day sale items this weekend.  The first is that Denis, my friend over at CouplesMassageCourses.com is running the first sale he’s done in over a year, and it might be his last as he seems to be moving away from them.  I’ve been talking for years about how learning to massage is amazing for your marriage, and he’s the guy I learned how to give a great massage from.  Seriously, if you want to learn how to make your spouse melt in your hands, check it out.

Also, for Father’s Day, all our digital products are going to be 25% off in our shop starting now until the end of the weekend.  Just use the coupon code FATHERSDAY when checking out.

And with that, let’s get to the questions.

Question 1: Should we reset the way we look at sex?

Hi JD,

It seems to me that the predominant framework Christians use to teach, think about and discuss sex is whether things are right or wrong.

Although I acknowledge the importance of righteousness at the core of Christian doctrine, I seriously doubt whether looking at sex from the right-or-wrong perspective promotes the joyful,  liberating and exhilarating sexuality God intended.

What do you think: should we reset the way we look at sex?

Kind regards!

No.  

I think we should reset the way we look at right and wrong.  I find most people approach with a legalistic attitude, sort of like children trying to figure out how far they can push before they’re in trouble.  They get upset at me when I state that I believe something is a sin because they want it, and I just told them they can’t have their cookie.

Instead, I think we should at right and wrong for what they are – not the arbitrary rules of a crazy diety, but rather fenceposts to show us when our actions are likely to hurt us.

This is what happens when you become an adult.  Your parent’s rules about eating dinner before dessert are no longer tyrannical – they’re an expression of love towards us because they want us to grow up to be healthy.  The rule about doing your schoolwork before you get to play isn’t mean – it’s there to establish productive habits in life.

For some reason, I find many Christians never “grow up”.  They still see God’s rules as just a list of things you have to do or else you don’t get into heaven.  They miss the point entirely.  It’s not the works that get you into heaven.  Rather, the works cultivate a character, and that character – one that takes responsibility for our sins and recognizes the need for a saviour – is ultimately what decides whether or not we will be in heaven.  In short – we get to choose whether we want to be there, so God’s laws are there to help us grow up to make the right choice.

I think they also serve a dual purpose of helping us here in our earthly existence as well.  The rules of “no sex before marriage” do teach you self-control and patience (important for that godly character), but they also give your family the best chance at happiness and success.  

To be clear, I am not a proponent of the prosperity gospel, but I do believe that God wants what’s best for us, and all the research shows that having children outside of marriage is statistically wrought with problems that affect your family health, stability, education, income and civil lawfulness.

So, the “right or wrong” mentality isn’t incorrect from my point of view – it’s what that right or wrong implies.  Doing right is in your best interest, not only in a theological “headed toward heaven” sense but also in a “down to earth” be a good spouse, friend, employee/employer, citizen and everything else way.

Question 2: Why did God create refractory periods?

What do you think God’s reason was for giving men a refractory period? Even if I am out of semen momentarily it doesn’t mean I don’t want to go again with my wife.

I don’t know.  It could be to make us go and do other things.  Something I’ve mentioned before is having a day of sex.  We manage to pull these off from time to time.  In short, they’re basically a day of orgasm denial or edging.  You have a lot of sex, but no (or few) orgasms.  

You know what happens?  You don’t want to get out of bed.  There’s a lot of “we should get breakfast, I’m hungry …” which somehow turns into more sex. Half an hour later, the conversation repeats, with the same outcome.  Eventually, you manage to drag yourself out of bed in time to eat breakfast about half an hour before lunchtime.

Then you find excuses to sneak back upstairs without the kids being suspicious.

In short – I think refractory periods force us to recognize other priorities in life.  Men tend to be more single-minded, owning to the fact that we are missing part of our corpus callosum.  So, I think adding a limiter to men in this way makes the most sense, along the same lines that adding a limitation to women’s ability to bear children makes sense.  I think women are more likely to recognize that other things need attention, whereas men prefer to finish the task at hand.  But, if the task never gets finished … well, then you’re stuck.

I mean, I don’t think we’d have sex until we died, but I think we’d be less productive.

That’s my best guess.  If you have one of your own, I’d love to hear it in the comments below.

Question 3: Is it common for a wife to tell her husband she had an orgasm?

This question may have been posed before but will present it.

Is it common for a wife to tell her husband if she has had an orgasm?  Also, is it not proper for a husband to ask his wife if she had an orgasm(s)?   I have heard that it is something you don’t ask.

I don’t have any stats on this, but I do know it’s not abnormal at all.  But, it’s also not something that happens in every marriage.

For some women, it’s easy to tell if they have an orgasm – they make a particular noise (scream, moan), their legs shake uncontrollably, their thighs clampdown, their back arches, they pass out, they become very sensitive to any genital touching, or they just announce that they’re having an orgasm.

For others, it’s more subtle and you have to listen for subtle shifts in breathing, movement, or maybe can feel subtle internal contractions.

And for some women, sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it’s not, depending on their state of arousal, their surroundings (could the kids hear?), or where they are in their cycle.

So, if you’re wife is the type that makes it very obvious that she’s had an orgasm – well, then I think asking is either just being playful or annoying.  If, on the other hand, hers are far more subtle, then I think it’s reasonable to ask.  Internally it might have seemed like a monumental occurrence, but if she doesn’t telegraph that well, then how are you to know?  

I’ll be honest, I’ve had to ask from time to time.  Occasionally, they just sort of sneak by while others are very obvious.

That said, she may not appreciate the question.  She may feel that you should be able to pick up on the subtle things.  This is a common argument between men and women, not just about orgasms.  Also, after an orgasm, she might feel more vulnerable and having to answer a question about sex is uncomfortable in that state of mind.

So, there are some reasons why it might be common or more appropriate in some marriages and not others.

Question 4: What do I do if my wife constantly yells at me?

In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:
How we look at sex
Why we have refractory periods
Whether or not it’s common for a husband to have to ask his wife if she had an orgasm
A husband who is secretly purchasing toys
A widow who wants to know what happened to her husband who was cremated

What do I do if my wife constantly yells at me?  For example today I was looking for a remote that was in a box and I couldn’t find it.  I wasn’t saying anything and decided to stop looking for it.  She absolutely blew up on me and took the box and dumped it all out on the floor where it still sits.  I really don’t do anything to upset her and I guess you can say I’m walking on eggshells censoring my thoughts and words.  I just can’t be myself without her thinking I’m upset or something.  When I say something to her she gets extremely defensive and basically throws a fit.  All this really hurts me emotionally and can’t take it anymore.

I would highly recommend the book “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk.  It will help you set up boundaries to keep you emotionally safe, as well as show you how to continue to show her love, even when she’s not being loving, without enabling the behaviour.

After that, I’d read “Boundaries In Marriage” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend to give you even more of a framework.  

But read them in that order, because some people who jump straight to boundaries get some weird ideas about what a healthy boundary is.  I’ve seen as many marriages ruined by that book as helped without the proper context and mindset.  Keep your love on will help you establish the proper mindset first.

One thing you can start right now is the next time she yells at you, just say calmly and quietly, so she has to stop yelling to listen “Please lower your voice and stop yelling at me.”  If she continues, then respond in the same voice and tone, “I’m going to go do x, if you want to have a civil conversation, let me know.”

This might drive her absolutely crazy because she’s going to be confronted with her yelling in a very clear and direct way.  She’ll either accept the conviction and change or double-down and get angry so as to protect her ego.  Either way, I would stand my ground and continue.

Question 5: Husband purchased large sex toys for himself

I have noticed that my husband has purchased several, rather large sex toys this year. He knows I don’t like sex toys and he hasn’t brought it up to me in two years. He has sworn to me that he is no longer watching porn and he can’t remember the last time he watched it.

However, the most recent sex object is a large penis that is inserted in his rectum and clamps onto his testicles to apparently hold it in place and then vibrates. It is rather large and I am way past uncomfortable.  I just want to toss the thing, but I know I have to be the one to bring up this matter.

May I ask, do other men want a penis in their bum?

I’ll be honest, I’m suspicious about the porn habit being actually done.  Not saying he’s definitely still watching it, just saying that increasing masturbation habits, as well as pushing further into edgier play alone, without sharing it with you … is suspicious.

As for men wanting anal stimulation, I would refer you to my post on pegging as I think that might answer a lot of the questions regarding why they might want it.  I also have a survey on anal sex and anal play you might be interested to answer the “do other men want this” question.

But if it due to porn, then I’d guess it has more to do with mental stimulation than physical.

Question 6: What happens when you’re cremated?

When my husband died he wanted to be cremated but nobody ever told me what goes on with that, and—-how do I know when he or did he go to the other side? How do I know if his spirit is with me?

The reason noone told you is that Christians get very confused by this, and the majority of Christians can’t keep their theology straight when it comes to what happens when you die.

For example, the mainstream Christian narrative is that when you die to go you heaven.  But then they have an issue when the Bible says that Christ is still preparing a place for you.  Also, that you won’t be resurrected until He returns.  Also, that judgement day hasn’t happened yet, so you’re getting your reward prior to judgement.  

You can see this when you go to funerals and the pastor will tell you in the same sermon that the deceased is here with you now, that he’s in heaven and that he’s in the grave awaiting the 2nd coming.  Those can’t all be true. In fact, only one of them can be.

According to the Bible, when we die, regardless of the means (or the state of our body), we await Christ’s second coming.

The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what they had done.

Revelation 20:13

If you want to be walked through all the verses, including the ones mainstream Christianity will use to try and “prove” their narrative, I suggest you check out the post I wrote called What happens when you die. It upset a lot of people, but I’ve yet to have anyone actually manage to refute it using the Bible.

In short, rest assured that neither cremation, nor anything else, will stop the Creator from saving those who believe in Christ as their saviour.

That’s it for today.  As always, you can submit your questions on our Have A Question page.  Don’t forget to check out the Father’s Day sales if you’re still looking for a gift that will knock your husband’s feet off.  Husbands – don’t be afraid to unsubtly hint at the massage gift – it’s great for both of you and at 20% off, it’s cheaper than a few date nights, but will last you the rest of your marriage. Also, if you’re interested in joining our supporters’ forum and getting to discuss the questions as they come in, you can learn more here.

37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex

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