Is it okay to engage in pegging in a marriage

Jay Dee

Is it okay to engage in pegging in a marriage

Jan 24, 2018

Those of you who get our weekly newsletters know that I’ve been dragging my feet while writing this for the last week.  Those in our private Facebook group know it’s been even longer – and my wife knows it’s been quite a long

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Is it okay to engage in pegging in a marriage?Those of you who get our weekly newsletters know that I’ve been dragging my feet while writing this for the last week.  Those in our private Facebook group know it’s been even longer – and my wife knows it’s been quite a long time coming.

For some time, I’ve been getting more and more questions about pegging.  Way back in 2014, for those who weren’t following us yet, I posted the results of our survey on Christians, Anal Sex and Anal Play.  From that survey we found out that 8% of husbands were engaging in pegging or similar activities.  I think that number has gone up over the last 4 years, and it’s gotten to the point that I figured I should address it.  Plus, I received this question a couple of weeks ago:

You guys have helped us immensely so far through the articles and podcasts. My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now. In that time, I have had many conversations about our sex lives and we have found out that I have a higher sex drive than she does and I am more adventurous when it comes to trying new things as long as they are not sinful and we are both on the same page about it. I have recently had an interest in anal play meaning I am receiving anal pleasure . I have been interested to try “pegging” with my wife (which is the act of anal penetration of the man with a toy like a dildo or strap-on of some kind), but am afraid for many different reasons. Being a heterosexual male brings the stigma of it being a “gay thing” and although I know that I may enjoy it and become more intimate with my wife, I certainly do not want to desire a sinful act. I want to be sure of where this stands biblically if in the confines of a Christian marriage. This does not mean that there is a sort of pretending of gender role reversal, but the physical pleasure associated with the prostate and new emotional connection. I hope I’m not being too explicit, but I need your help in this area because I aspire to a fulfilling sex life AND spiritual life. Is “pegging” sinful? What would be the wisest way to express my desire to my wife?

So, there a few questions in there, but the biggest one is “is pegging sinful”.  So, let’s tackle that and then move on to the rest.

Is pegging sinful?

Now, I’m not terribly interested in re-hashing the “Is anal sex sinful” argument.  We’ve already done that in the post Is anal sex a sin.  If you want to argue with me, you can do so there, but for the purpose of this post, I’m going to go with my assertion that it is not.

However “regular” anal sex is generally thought of as the husband penetrating the wife.  While some have issues with that (as seen in the comments of the post linked above), many are generally accepting of it.  In fact, 27% (back in 2014) of respondents in our survey said they’d tried anal sex.

When the tables are turned, that brings in some new questions.  Now the man is being penetrated, and that shifts things a bit.  Aside from the generic “is anal sex a sin” question, now we have to contend also with gender roles, and questions about homosexual practices, which our questioner mentioned.  So, let’s take a look at those.

What you do doesn’t define your orientation

We have believed a fallacy in our culture that sexual activities decide your orientation.  Some think that if a man wants to have anal sex with his wife, then he must be homosexual, or at least bisexual.  Same goes for if he wants to receive any sort of anal stimulation himself.

However, it’s not what you do that defines your orientation.  It’s who you do it with.  One simply cannot call any activity between a husband and wife a homosexual act, because it is, by definition, a heterosexual act between a male and a female.

And that seems like a fairly simple concept; yet, in our society, we still have these odd beliefs that doing something, even in your marriage bed, means you are homosexual.

Here is a comment from our survey back in 2014:

It is also my goal to have my wife perform a prostate massage on me. I know that she still has a mental block about touching me there with her finger. I believe that she still views it as “weird” that I would enjoy that activity and that it make me “gay.” I hope that other women that read this would stop to thank that just because their man can enjoy stimulation in that area does not mean that they have any homosexual tendencies. I would like my spouse to know that it can be fun and awakening to share 100% of each other. I would hate to know that something that we can enjoy together was lost by years of stubborn thoughts that have been sculpted by ignorant thought processes.

And another:

She still uses a vibrator on me sometimes. I’m sorry, i know this is weird for a guy to read. Your website allows me to talk openly. I’m not gay btw. No way no thanks. My wife is all I need!

It’s so ingrained in our thoughts that he felt he had to basically call “no homo” after sharing what his wife and he do in the bedroom.

And others just can’t get over the idea:

The reason I didn’t answer the question about doing things anally toy husband is because he absolutely hates the idea of being touched in that area. It’s gay for a man to want that to that.

So, does engaging in pegging, or any other sort of receptive anal play for a man mean he has homosexual tendencies?  I think that’s an easy no.

Does pegging cross gender roles

This one I think is a bit stickier.  It’s not talked about too often, but the Bible is pretty stuck on the idea that God made men and women to be separate, distinct genders.  This idea is under attack in our society with the concepts of transgender, pan-gender and gender fluidity.

In the Bible, God is always presented as a male husband and the church always as a female bride.  While it may not be politically correct in our society to say it any more, but the Bible sets men as leaders and women as supporters as a living example of God leading His church.

Unfortunately, this has been abused in the past with the church setting men up to be dictators in the home rather than the relationship that’s seen between God and His people in the Bible.  I personally see a God who is willing to discuss, compromise (within His integrity), reason with, love and sacrifice for His bride.  That doesn’t mean He’s a pushover though.  God is very clear on His goals and directions and will not compromise on Love, even when we think He’s being unloving.

This concept is under attack in our churches with the egalitarian movement, and outside of our churches with the gender-fluid movement.  To me, they’re two sides of the same coin.  One attacking from within and one from without.  They’re both seeking to undermine the relationship between God and humans – confusing us about who is in charge.  I think we often tend to take this verse:

Whatever you ask of the Father in my name He will give it to you.  – Matthew 18:23b

and we change it into:

Whatever you ask of the Father he will give it to you.

We put God into a submissive role rather than accepting we need to submit first.

That was a bit of a tangent, by my point is, gender roles are important because they teach us about God, if nothing else.  What does this have to do with pegging?

There is a concern that some might be interested in pegging because they want to have the gender roles reversed.  That wanting to receive pleasure in this way, being penetrated means they are abandoning their role as males and wanting to take on a female role.  Truth is, that’s probably true for some.  However, I think that’s a pretty small percentage of men.  At least, it’s a small percentage that are using this behaviour to abdicate their role.

I think the majority of men are abdicating in other ways, which is a serious concern, but not through the act of pegging.

Point is, if you are a man approaching pegging with the idea of “I want to feel like a woman”, then I think that’s a warning sign.  Likewise if you’re a wife who wants to try pegging because you want to knock him down a peg (no pun intended), put him in his place, or show him who is the boss, or generally “be the man”, then that’s a similar cause for concern in my books.

And we’re not talking about a curiosity of what it might be like to be the other gender.  I think most of us wonder about that at one time or another.  I know I am anyways.  My wife’s orgasms look like they feel so much better than mine!  Rather, we’re talking about wanting to take on that gender as a lifestyle choice.  That’s where we get into trouble in my books.

Why do some men want to try pegging?

So, if men who want to try pegging aren’t doing it due to homosexual tendencies, nor because they’re gender-fluid or gender-confused, then why would they want to try this?  Well, I think there could be a few reasons.

Pleasure

I’m not exactly sure what God was thinking, but He placed a ton of nerve endings in the region of our anus.  There are many between the scrotum and the anus, more around the edge of it, and the prostate can be stimulated to engage even more pleasurable sensations, and even orgasm.  And I’m not saying that “if it feels good, God must have meant for us to do it”.  It’s not just men, women have a similar distribution of nerve endings and sensitivities.  No prostate of course, but the clitoris nerves wrap internally around the anus, which again, seems like an odd design choice.  But that’s neither here nor there today because we’re talking about men.

In short, there are a lot of nerves in that area that can feel pleasure.  In fact, even if you’ve lost your penis entirely, or just the use of it, some people can still have an orgasm through prostate stimulation.  This makes it a potential method of sexual pleasure for those who have been in accidents, suffered some form of paralysis, or just have ED they can’t seem to correct.

Even without those ailments though, some men say that the orgasms they get from prostate stimulation are far more intense than through penile stimulation.  So, it’s no surprise that some might be interested in that sort of pleasure.

Being on the receiving end

Is it okay to engage in pegging in a marriage?This one can get a bit confusing for some.  I think there is a difference between wanting to swap gender roles and wanting to be the one receiving pleasure.  The one has to do with identity, and the other has to do with physical and emotional sensations.

I think most men (I know high-drive wives, not all men) find the idea of their wife taking a more active role in sex to be appealing.

For some men, the idea of their wife taking such an active role in sex to the point that they are doing the penetrating is extremely arousing.  Think about it.  You don’t have to worry about:

  • keeping an erection up
  • if your wife is going to orgasm from sex
  • your performance
  • your endurance

You get to be the one who just receives pleasure.  I can understand how that could be attractive.

I know, some men can get this from their wife being on top and “doing the work” during regular intercourse, but not all men can orgasm from that.  Not all men can keep an erection up like that either.  For that matter, not all women can manage it for long, if at all, either.  Besides, it’s not quite the same.

Variety / adventure

Lastly, we tend to crave variety in sex.  Couples that just tend to have missionary position sex with the same foreplay on the same nights of the week at the same time, year in and year out, tend to get bored.  Passion dies, and it tends to become something that just releases sexual frustration rather than being a bonding experience.

I used to get so many couples asking about how to spice up their sex life.  Both spouses would be willing to try something new, but just didn’t know what.  They didn’t know how to get out of their ruts of doing the same thing over and over again.  So, I made up the Spice Jar to solve the problem for them.  And now I don’t get many of those questions any more.  It’s awesome, because now I can respond to new questions, like about pegging…

Point is, we crave variety in our lives, including our sex lives, and some people simply like pegging because it’s different, exciting and/or taboo.  That gets our dopamine levels rising, which leads to increased arousal and stronger orgasms.  Who doesn’t want that?

What’s in it for the wife?

I know someone is going to ask “yeah, but what about the wife?”  With regular intercourse, both spouses (ideally) are getting pleasure.  Even with “regular” anal sex, 85% of the wives who engage in anal sex say they enjoy it and 38% of orgasm from it.  That’s pretty impressive given that statistically only about 30% of women orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex.

But with pegging, she’s not using any of her anatomy that gives her pleasure.  There’s no live penis involved.  So, what’s the deal?

Well, we have no personal experience with this, so I delved into my survey comments.  Now, I don’t have a way to single out pegging, but I can find comments from wives who use toys on their husband’s anally.  Here’s what I found:

  • I feel like it makes my husband happy so I use a toy to penetrate.
  • My husband brought it up, and I was curious to try it.
  • To explore all avenues of potential pleasure.
  • We wanted to try new things
  • I don’t totally enjoy doing it to him but I love the results of how much he enjoys it and it definitely benefits me with how much of an erection he gets.
  • Saw that my husband enjoyed that and he asked for it to happen. His orgasm is pretty intense during anal play.
  • Just by trying new things
  • Bored with vaginal

In short, many do it either because their husband asks and they’re willing to bless them in that way, or because they actually enjoy seeing their husband receive pleasure.  I think that’s awesome.  As I suspected, some just wanted to try something new, though I honestly don’t think I could get “bored with vaginal”.

Of course, there are other options as well.  For example: If you’re using a strapon, there’s no reason you couldn’t use a We-Vibe Sync on the wife at the same time which would give her both g-spot and clitoral stimulation.

Are there any dangers?

I figured we should touch on this.  Are there dangers to pegging?  There are often listed reasons why anal sex is a bad idea.  Some are more or less valid than others.  I went through this in my post on anal sex, but we’ll touch on them here just so no one says I didn’t.  I’m not a doctor, so do your own research, use your own brain, etc, etc..  But here are my thoughts:

Some say the vagina was made to stretch but the anus wasn’t.  Everyone knows that’s not really true right?  I mean, you can tell that just from going to the bathroom.  In a sexual situation this is even easily told.  When going to the bathroom, frankly we tend to be in a hurry.  With sex, the key word is patience.  The second key word is lube.  You’ll find it stretches quite a bit and snaps back easily.  Take your time, use lots of lube, and if it hurts, stop.

Do some porn stars get stretched out and damaged?  Yes.  Don’t have anal sex for 12 hours a day with guys hung like porn stars and you’ll probably be okay.

While we don’t like to think about it, homosexual men have been engaging in activity similar to this for a long time.  If the warnings were true, well, the price of adult diapers in certain cities would skyrocket and there’d be a run on proctologists.  It doesn’t happen.  There’s just a lot of anti-gay propaganda that this is getting spillover from.

There is the issue of cleanliness and bacteria.  Fact is, if you’re doing anal play, feces happen (you know what I wanted to write, right?  But we have some sensitive people and I didn’t want to go into a whole paragraph explaining that my dad grew up on a farm and “that” was a chore you did before breakfast, not a swear word).

Generally when you’re engaging in anal play of any kind, you are sticking to the rectum, and feces generally don’t hang out there.  They stay higher up in your digestive tract.  So long as you don’t feel like you have to go to the bathroom, and you haven’t gone very recently, you’re probably fairly clean.  However, a shower would do, too.

And of course, one always has to be careful to avoid getting bacteria from the anus into a vagina.  This is less of a concern with pegging, but still something to be aware of.

What else? …

Don’t use numbing lube.  Same goes for alcohol or drugs.  Stop if it hurts.  Take it slow.  Especially because toys tend to be harder and more rigid than penises.  Oh, and don’t buy a toy with phthalates (more info here), and be sensible about the size.

Basically, it’s the same rules you use for “regular” sex.  If you’re too rough, don’t have sufficient lubricant and don’t pay attention to your body or your spouse’s, someone is going to get hurt.

How do you express a desire to try this with your wife?

Let’s say you’re interested in pegging.  Hypothetically of course 😉  How do you share this with your wife?  Or if you’re a wife, with your husband?

Well, we just did a post on sharing sexual fantasies that you can check out.  Now, that had more to do with the person listening than it did the person sharing.  But, you could share that post with your spouse and then share the fantasy once they’ve been primed on how to respond appropriately.

Another alternative along the same lines is to check Our Sexploration List.  It’s a workbook of sexual activities spouses can do with/to each other.  Buried in this massive list is pegging.  If you want to see how they’d respond without asking, then get the list and have you both fill it out.  They’ll either indicate that they’re interested, willing, or not and you can decide how to go on from there.  In fact, I’ll give you 25% off it just for being brave.  Just use the coupon code PEGGING.  And don’t you dare use that coupon code if you aren’t interested in pegging! 😉

Is pegging within marriage sinful?

I don’t think so.  If both spouses are up for it and you take the necessary precautions, and with the few caveats mentioned above, this seems to be something both can enjoy as a way to enhance their marriage bed.  Of course, if you’re not interested or feel morally opposed to it, then just opt out.

I’m hoping we can have a civil discussion about this below, but based on past experience, I’m worried it won’t be so.  I’d love to be proven wrong though 🙂

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21 thoughts on “Is it okay to engage in pegging in a marriage”

  1. Norah says:

    Stepping our to write something like this is brave. It’s nice to have a Christian place to read about these things. Keep up the good work.

  2. Anonymous says:

    So how do I address this if it’s something I really want to experience but my spouse believes it to be morally wrong and tends to shame me if it’s brought up.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      In short: You probably don’t. There are likely bigger fish to try than trying to expand into pegging.

  3. DomesticDame says:

    Excellent article, thanks for posting this!

  4. The book of James says:

    Actually many gay men do end up in adult diapers, just no one talks about it. Not my thing but it was a good read. I think it’s important to know about these topics ace see other views because it’s something people may wish to discuss and it’s good to have a balanced view.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Do you have a source for that? I mean many hetero men do too due to prostate cancer. Is it higher than that?

  5. Anonymous says:

    https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7795648
    Study shows many gay men do not participate in anal sex

    https://www.google.de/amp/s/tonic.vice.com/amp/en_us/article/xdw4q4/does-anal-sex-do-longterm-damage
    post regarding damage caused by long term anal sex practices

    Causation hasn’t been proved beyond doubt but common sense would tell us that as the anus wasn’t designed for sex there will be some damage if it’s used often for an unintended purpose. Sure, the anus is designed to stretch but fecal matter is softer and considerably smaller than the average penis!

  6. livinginblurredlines says:

    Nope nope nope, big nope. Not an option, not God’s design, not our bodies’ purpose. Just NO! Hubby agrees, too. Great, big, huge NO!

    1. Hermit says:

      I agree. Not God’s design. Anus is for one way traffic only, and it isn’t that way.

  7. Grace2Glory says:

    Enjoyed this post, along with all your others. You address these topics with such grace. Thank you and keep it up!
    My husband and I don’t currently do any pegging but if he wanted to, I wouldn’t hesitate.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I do my best. Thanks for the encouragement!

      1. Anonymous says:

        Is there a difference between pegging and say just anal stimulation with aneros or other prostate massager? It seems to me there is a big difference between using somthing such as this for additional plesure and the woman taking on the roll of a man by using a strap on.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I don’t see much of a difference myself.

  8. Cameron says:

    Also be careful not two include Bdsm acts like domination/humiliation

    1. Tony says:

      Agreed, great point Cameron.

    2. Jay Dee says:

      Humiliation I agree, what’s the issue with domination play?

      1. Tony says:

        Not to emasculate the husband. To show love and respect.

  9. mark cowley says:

    My wife started pegging me a few years back and its the best thing we introduced into our married life.It brings you closer without a doubt

    1. Tony says:

      That’s awesome, Mark. May God bless you and your wife.

  10. Tony says:

    My church says anal sex is counterfeit sex and should not occur between a husband and a wife. Is this biblical? I couldn’t find anything in the bible, unless I missed it. What I did find in the bible is the mention that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Pegging may cause personal injury to the rectum, if we are. Of careful. Would we then be grieving the Holy Spirit if we engage in pegging?
    I want my wife to do this to me, but not sure if what I mentioned makes it sinful. Not sure if my wife would want to try it. I feel it would bring us closer by us making love in more than one way. Sorry, maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic at heart. God bless everyone and I would love for you to provide your thoughts.

  11. Gabe says:

    While there haven’t been new comments added to this thread in 2 months, I felt like I should post my $0.02 for those who find this site in the future. I thoroughly enjoyed reading what seemed to be a well thought out piece in regards to the overarching/moral/dynamic aspects of pegging within a marriage. Specifically a marriage of the Biblical sense. It’s not often people take the time to process these 2 things together.

    I would agree with the 2 conclusions that anal sex isn’t a sin, and what you do sexually doesn’t define your orientation whatsoever. I’ve never thought, dreamt, or had any inclination for sex other than with a female presenting female. I’m a married man, by the way.

    My primary takeaway from the discussions of sex within an intimate relationship is that we aren’t stepping back far enough when thinking about sex to get at the basis of why some aspects of sex are “good” or are “bad” in terms of religious matters. We get caught up on the nitty gritty, the technical details, which, while having elements of truth to them, do not encompass the entire truth. We, as humans, are very bad about dissecting the seemingly infinite ways people have sex with each other and for what reasons.

    When thought about deeply, most sex acts seem to be concluded to be “morally objectionable” by arriving only at the most basic of reasoning as to why that conclusion happened in Biblical text. The basis of being anti-masturbation, or anti-contraception is ultimately rooted in God slaying Onan for spilling his seed when he was suppose to impregnate his brother’s wife. Anal sex seems to be frowned upon on the root basis that Sodom was destroyed, and look at what sexual practice was tolerated within *that* culture (they still call it sodomy for a reason). These are too simple of conclusions to arrive at, without taking into account context of time, culture and overarching themes of God’s word which are INDEED consistent throughout the Bible (I love it when people try claiming the Bible is “fake” because of minor inconsistencies that fail to actually listen to what God is trying to say).

    What I would like to postulate is the following thought: sex is something that is to be shared between two partners who compliment each other in such a way that they can continue to spread the word of God to all those they encounter. When you think about it that way, it’s actually that simple!! You can throw a myriad of sexual situations within a myriad of contexts and this is the one, undeniable truth that you can always come out with! People are meant to go forth and spread the word of God to EVERYONE. Sometimes that gets confused with reciting nuance that isn’t truly or deeply understood by the one who’s preaching themselves. But let’s go ahead and apply this situation to the topic we’re discussing at hand, which is pegging.

    A woman penetrating a man isn’t sinful on the basis that it be simply a different expression of love between a woman and man. If this expression brings the couple closer together, with the ultimate big-picture-end-result being that they end up passing on the word of God to others(which, if you have’t figured it out yet, is LOVE), it’s a great thing! The problem one would have with pegging is if it’s done with the intents of degradation, humiliation or exploitation of one of the partners. Or even worse, using this sex act as a means of attempting to get out of your DUTY to spread God’s word, most notably by raising children if you’re able to. Not simply having children, but *raising* them. *Those* are the red lines for me.

    Hopefully this brought a new, in-depth perspective for those to consider. It’s amazing how quickly things have changed in today’s world, and here were are in 2018 where pegging is being thought of mainstream enough to where most aspects of life are now talking about the implications of it, let alone so many others that are participating in it!

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