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SWM 074 – Apr 2021 Questions – Friends who grope, postpartum recovery, anxious husbands and more

Topics Include:
Friends touching me inappropriately
Postpartum recovery from the husband’s perspective
Husband is anxious about sex
Not attracted to my husband anymore
Husband doesn’t like oral sex
How to get over husband’s porn use
Narcissistic husband and adulterous wife

Every month we answer questions from our anonymous Have A Question page and I’m a bit behind because we had a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff going on the last couple of months, so I’m trying to clear April’s questions so I can get on to May’s.  So, let’s jump right in.

Question 1

Every time we have a party or attend a party there are a couple of male friends that always try to dance with me because I love to dance. The problem is they are always trying to grope me. Also, they always try to dance really close and they rub their hard penis against me. I always try to push them away.  One of them is in his 60s, he is the worst. He showed me his penis one time and he holds me really tight and pushes his hardness against my butt and vagina. Also in the pool always touching. I am afraid to say anything as they are very close friends. Not going to lie sometimes it feels good but I know it’s wrong. 

I, and many of the people in our supporters’ group, would put this in the camp of sexual assault, which, sadly, often is perpetrated by those who are considered close friends or family.  If I were in the same situation, I would tell them it’s unacceptable, I’d probably also make sure never to be alone with them again, and I certainly would not be within close proximity to them again, such as dancing or in the pool together.  I’d probably also tell a trusted friend so that there is at least a verbal account of the situation if anything happens again.  If you’re married (it was a little unclear), then certainly tell your husband.

If, after being warned, these men continue, I would very loudly remind them and then file a police report.  That might sound extreme, but unfortunately, situations like this sometimes can escalate and it’s important to have a record in place should that happen.  After all, if they’ve been warned that that behaviour isn’t wanted, and failed to heed the warning, then they’ve forfeited the right to not be embarrassed or worse.  An arrest and sexual assault charge seem like a good way to make sure they know it’s serious.

Question 2

Hey Jay, I’ve been a fan of the podcast for quite some time now and your advice has opened up new lines of communication with my wife and me. One thing that I haven’t found much content on is helping the husband understand what is going on with his wife during postpartum recovery. I’ve learned to ask my wife more questions to learn her inhibitors and stressors so that when we get closer to the 6-8 week mark my wife and I can still have a fruitful sex life but I can’t find much content about this season from the husbands perspective while his wife is going through her stages. My wife and I are pastors and I take on most of the ministry responsibilities so that my wife has adequate time to recover, because of this I find myself wanting sex more. I spend time with the Lord and try to give it up to him and wait patiently. What advice do you have for postpartum for the husband and advice for posing a healthy sex life during this recovery time?

Ideally, the question would come prior to the post-partum time.  The best thing we found to do (after 5 kids) was to talk about it ahead of time.  Then at least the cards are on the table and everyone knows what to expect.

What this entails might look different for each couple.  Some wives can’t wait to get back to sex.  Others are perfectly happy to shelve it for the rest of their lives.  Some husbands feel uncomfortable having sex again, and some are less than understanding of the trauma (for lack of a better word) that pregnancy puts on a person.

So, I don’t have a one-size-fits-all solution for you.  Like I said, ideally you’d talk about it beforehand.  The second best situation would be to start talking about it now and keep talking about it regularly so you each know where the other is.

Because ultimately it’s going to be a balance between the two of you.  It’s going to depend on her mental state and physical recovery.  It’s going to depend on your self-control and ability to love unconditionally.  It’s going to depend on both of your sex drives, how healthy your relationship is, and a bunch of other things.  How well the child feeds and sleeps even factors into it.

I mean, there are plenty of options for sex that don’t include vaginal penetration (manual sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation), but that’s only an issue if the issue is physical recovery from the birth itself.  That doesn’t solve the other potential recovery needs.

So, the best advice I have is to talk about it, without accusations, without blame or trying to get what you want.  Secondly, take it as an opportunity to work on your character and the rest of your relationship, because it will be tested.  Children are a blessing – but they also destroy your life – in a good way.

Question 3

My husband and I are one year married (waited until marriage for sex, dated for 3 years). Things started out pretty slow in the bedroom because he has bad anxiety, plus I was a virgin and knew nothing. I feel like he has come a long way with the anxiety and I can see him becoming more confident. I would never pressure him to do anything he isn’t comfortable with doing. But I can’t help wishing he would have some ideas and be open to try new things. When I ask to try something new, it feels like I have to tiptoe around with every idea. Because everything I want in bed could be an opportunity for him to “fail” (in his mind). Why can’t we just try for the fun of trying new things together? Is it wrong to pray for more adventurous sex with my husband?

Thanks,

MJ

I would suggest you shift your prayer a bit.  Rather than praying for more adventurous sex, which would satisfy you, why not pray that he has less anxiety, which would improve both his and your life together immensely.  It sounds like that’s already underway, which is good.  I would guess it likely will lead to some more adventure both in life and in the bedroom, which is also good.

But, I’d say pray for deeper change, not the superficial stuff.  The things that will make a real positive impact, not just some more excitement.  Then enjoy the excitement as a bonus.

Question 4

I am not attracted to my husband anymore.  I don’t feel anything anymore when he touches or kisses me anymore.  I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. We have 2 beautiful children and I’m willing to live in peace with him for the sake of the kids. He finally knows how I feel but keeps attempting to have sex with me when he knows I don’t feel any sexual desire for him. What do I do in order to stop this from happening?

When people tell me “I love them, but I’m not in love with them”, it universally means “I never did love them” once we dig into it.  What they really loved was how the other person made them feel.  So, no, I don’t believe you love him.  I do believe that you’re not “in love” with him, which simply means you’re not getting those exciting new relationship energy/infatuation chemicals that you used to.  In short – you’ve chosen not to love him because he’s not giving you what you want – infatuation, which is unsustainable.

My guess is that your vows included something about loving each other unconditionally, and now you’ve put conditions on it.  This means you’re breaking your vows.  Then you had the audacity to tell him you were breaking your vows and then got upset because he still loves you and wants to show you that through sex.  That is an incredible level of selfishness that I doubt you appreciate.

So, what do you do to stop this from happening?  Start loving your husband rather than just how he makes you feel.  That’s probably going to be hard, because you’ve likely never done it before, but I suggest you start because otherwise, your children are going to grow up with either divorced parents or parents who don’t love each other, which isn’t really much better, if it’s better at all.  Children need parents who love each other or else they tend to repeat the same pattern in their relationships.  So it’s time to grow up and learn how to do that.  

You say you want to live in peace with him for the sake of the kids?  Well, that’s not good enough.  You owe your husband and your kids better.  So, decide to love your husband. If you don’t feel it – act as if you do, because love is a choice that’s followed by action, not a feeling.  Keep it up and the feeling will follow, though you may not recognize it at first if you’ve never felt it.

Question 5

Is it normal for men to lose an erection while performing oral sex on their wife? My husband has performed oral sex on me maybe a handful of times- we’ve been together 11 years- I feel like he hates it or is disgusted by it- because he does it so infrequently and lost his erection the couple of times he tried it. We’ve talked about it in the past and he insists he likes it- but then never does it? Do some men just not like it? I would never let him go down there unless I was freshly showered – so I don’t think it’s a smell/taste issue?? Idk – but I really enjoy oral sex and want more of it. Help

Is it normal?  Yes, it happens to many men who love performing oral sex on their wives.  He said he likes it.  So, why not ask him why he doesn’t do it more often?  That seems like the logical next step to me.  

As for the smell/taste – this is a common fear among women, but not a common complaint from men.  It’s pretty rare to talk to a man who doesn’t like the smell/taste, but it seems like the majority of wives have a hangup about their own scent/taste.  But, you could always ask him.

Topics Include:
Friends touching me inappropriately
Postpartum recovery from the husband’s perspective
Husband is anxious about sex
Not attracted to my husband anymore
Husband doesn’t like oral sex
How to get over husband’s porn use
Narcissistic husband and adulterous wife

Question 6

How do I get past the trauma of my husband’s sporadic porn use? How do I rebuild my self-esteem and learn to trust him again?  Some days, I am ok. Other days, thoughts and questions keep swirling in my mind. I buried it all, but after the death of a child, everything compounded. We are already using a filter(Covenant Eyes) that I control and it is on every device in the house. 

The only way to build trust is through him continuing to be trustworthy.  There are no shortcuts.  Likely trying to bury it all means you never did process it and now it’s too much with everything else.  So, if you’re struggling with day-to-day life and can’t move past it, then I’d seek out a counsellor to help you work through it.

Question 7

This is rather long but I have no one to talk about it with. I have been married to my husband for 3 years but have been together for 4 years. We are both in our early twenties and have two toddlers.  A lot has happened in our marriage. My husband is a narcissist. He enjoys fighting and gaslighting. He claims he wants to change but hasn’t. Last year was the hardest year of our marriage yet. We were hitting each other, and saying not-so-kind things. At one point we would go without having sex for weeks or sleeping in the same room. I would beg him for attention. I would tell him that I felt like cheating because I was so desperate for love but he never listened. I come from being abandoned by my mother and father since I was 6 and then adopted by an abusive aunt.  Anyways, I ended up hearing that he had said that there was this girl he used to like. He said that there wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t think about her. I was extremely hurt and ashamed. I confronted him about it and he claimed that it was locker room talk. I ended fighting with him and leaving with my one and two-year-old. I have zero family. So I went to a friend’s house. A friend that I considered to be a “gentlemen”. He ended up kissing me and I touched his penis. He wanted to have sex but I refused. The next day I went home. Months later I told my husband. During this time he would watch porn and search for a very specific category “blondes with big tits”. I was hurt. Because he always said he wanted to date a white girl. We are both Mexican.  He would look at every girl’s butt every time we went out. One time at Walmart he stopped me and my two toddlers to look at a girl’s butt. I was desperate and went to a mutual friend to ask for advice. That lead from one thing to another and we made out. I did oral sex on him twice. But after that, I felt so ashamed and it stopped. Eventually, I would still see him but we would literally just watch a movie, or drive around and eat food. Nothing sexual. That stopped last September and have not seen him since. I’m ashamed but I don’t know what to do. Or if should even tell my husband. He still fights with me for no reason, doesn’t help at all with the kids or the house. Our sex life sucks. I haven’t orgasmed. And I still believe he meant what he said about his old crush.  I have no family, or nowhere to go which is why I haven’t left him. I don’t want my children to suffer for our mistakes. I don’t know what to do. His family is not much support either. Help! 

The saddest thing about this story is how this stuff becomes generational.  Your parents started you on a difficult path, and because of that, you have no grounding, no support and it feels like no options.  And I worry that your two toddlers are going to grow up in a similar situation and potentially repeat the cycle over again.

I think to start, I’d say you need to start taking responsibility for your side of things.  You can’t change your husband, but you can start working on your own end.  Clearly, you can’t control yourself around men, I’d probably make sure I’m never alone with one, particularly when you’re feeling vulnerable or lonely.

You haven’t mentioned church, faith, God, prayer, the Bible or anything, so I don’t know if you’re a Christian or not, but I think whether or not you’re one, that’s probably a good place to start.  The right Church gives you a family and a support network.

I’d probably also add counselling/therapy to this.  Ideally for both of you, but if your husband won’t go, then start with yourself.  Learn how to keep yourself safe, to put up healthy boundaries, to take responsibility for your actions.  

That’s a start.  I think after that, I’m out of my depth because this is a pretty unhealthy relationship, and I think it needs a qualified therapist to help with it.

That’s it for today.  As always, thank you to our supporters for their insights and discussion in the forums that help me answer these questions with a wider perspective, and for their help with checking for typos, grammatical errors and pointing out where my answers could be clearer.  If you’re interested in seeing the questions as they come in, rather than having to wait a month or two, consider checking out our donation page to get access to the forum.  As always, if you have a question of your own, you can email me at [email protected], or visit our anonymous Have A Question page.

37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex

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2 thoughts on “SWM 074 – Apr 2021 Questions – Friends who grope, postpartum recovery, anxious husbands and more”

  1. HigherQuest says:

    Regarding the woman who expressed her grief with her husband’s use of porn it is this exact scenario that I read sooo often on Christian blogs. Jay Dee, I respect you brother, I honestly do, but I firmly believe that you and all those who counsel similarly fail to recognize that because the Bible never even comes close to addressing such things as nudity, the enjoyment of erotic media, and masturbation, your counsel ends up leading to far worse marriages than improved ones. My wife and I frequently enjoy porn “together.” She enjoys it as much as I do and I would never force her to like something I did just because I wanted it so. Couples who make such a big fuss over this issue do far worse things to their marriage than a little porn does. I recommend she talk with her husband, look at the porn he enjoys, and if he favors forms of porn that directly demean or negatively objectify a woman, or porn that forces a woman to do what she obviously doesn’t like, or in any way brings her bodily harm, that she ask him to choose amateur porn that features married couples and the gentle and tender forms of sex together. In this way they will discover there is a clear difference between good porn and bad porn and their marriage will enjoy the spice and excitement that seeing others enjoy sex brings. My wife and I both have a very real and satisfying spiritual life together. We read our Bibles together daily, pray often together, talk by the hours of theology and Christian life, and love Jesus Christ with all our hearts. Both us have walked with the Lord for over 50 years and we would both tell you that our walk with Christ is deeper and more real than at any point in our past, and our sex life is beyond wonderful. For those couples who cannot seem to study and educate their consciences to the place of accepting gentle and moderate forms of porn then “yes” they should both give it up. Nothing is worth violating one’s conscience over. In our case, having studied the Scriptures intensely, over many years, on the subject of eroticism in marriage, we are confident in Christ that our decisions please Him, and “yes” we have carefully studied and prayed over Matthew 5:27 and 28, as well as every single biblical passage that even remotely touches on real immorality, and are confident it in no way forbids the enjoyment of erotic media.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I find it amazing that even porn producers and actors will tell you porn is evil and should never be indulged in, yet they seem to have more discernment than some people who have been in the church for decades.

      Wolves in sheep’s clothing indeed.

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