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Welcome to another installment of answering the questions we get from our blog readers and podcast listeners submitted to our anonymous Have A Question page. As usual, thanks to all our supporters who discuss the questions as they come in and add additional perspectives so we can answer them more effectively.
Question 1 – Semi-Public Sex
Hello! Background info: my husband and I have been married for 2.5 years. My husband is very sexually adventurous (originally found the site because one night he mentioned pegging so I wanted to learn more about it lol) but in agreement, we still want to honor God in our sexual relationships. We have done the sexploration list and came up with things we would both like to try. We enjoyed the spice jar game a lot, and have a hotel date on the calendar so we can play again! My husband enjoys pushing what I think are my limits and that turns him on a lot. This is all consensual of course. On the sexploration list, he is mostly in the “I want this” and I’m on the “I might be willing to try” column lol. Luckily him pushing the limits almost always excites me, and most things we have tried have really turned me on (although a few are off the list now which he’s totally fine with).
Question: Recently he brought up that he would like to do something semi-public, not with other people or anything like that, but he wants to be able to sexually tease me, or have sex, with the risk of being caught. He’s obviously the more sexually dominant one, so I thought it would be a good surprise if I was the one to bring an idea! I tried to find something already posted but I had no luck. Beyond the obvious legal limit (not trying to get arrested!) and the obvious Christian limit (not involving other people) is there a safe way to do something semi-public?
So glad you enjoyed the Spice Jar and Our Sexploration List, that’s awesome. Now, we had a similar question last month about semi-public sex, and you might want to go back and listen to that podcast, or read the post, but it boils down to this:
I think it depends on what your goal is. If you’re using it because it’s risky, that implies that there is an intentional chance of being caught, which is involving other people. If what turns you on about it is that it’s taboo – that is being outdoors naked and having sex, but without any real risk, I think that’s okay.
If you want to try the Spice Jar or Our Sexploration List, use coupon code SEXLISTORSPICEJAR to get 20% off.
Question 2 – Squirting
My hubby wants me to pee out my squirt he wants to taste it it really turns him on watch me masturbate my g-spot and gush on the floor in front of him. But if it is urine this would not be a turn-on for me. I mean I want him to taste my squirt that would be sexy what do you think is this just urine. I wish I could squirt it out during intercourse but I just can’t.
My guess is your husband is watching a lot of very specific porn. I posted this question in our supporter forum and no one touched it. No comments, no reactions, nothing. It just sat there.
But, questions about squirting have come up before:
We did a survey about squirting/gushing/female ejaculation back in 2014. We’ve answered an anonymous question about squirting before. I also found this (clean) post a while back for someone who wanted to learn how to squirt.
So, there are some places to look and I hope they help!
Question 3 – Low drive wife
I have a bit of a situation and I’m interested in getting your take on things. My wife and I are married and have been for about 8 years. We’re both in our mid-thirties, and I really think we should be having more sex than we do (I know I know. Everyone writes to you about this.). But we literally go months at a time without having sex. I will try to initiate from time to time and the vast majority of the time, I get rejected. I’m tired of being rejected, so I’m initiating less and less. I want to address this with my wife and I’ve tried before and I’ve basically been told that she just has a low-drive and that’s how it’s going to be. I’m torn as to how I should go about this because I don’t want pity sex. I don’t want my wife to just have sex with me out of obligation. When it’s like that, it feels more like a transaction rather than any sort of intimacy. I want her to want me like I want her.
So basically, how do I speak with her about this without making her feel like the bad guy? And how can we move forward with having more frequent sex because we both want it, not out of obligation?
Good question. Unfortunately, yeah, this is something that’s fairly common and can be difficult to deal with, especially if it’s been going on for a while. Because after a while, it just sort of becomes the way things are, and then it’s much harder to change things.
And the answer to what to do about it depends on a couple of things.
First – why is it happening? There’s a fairly good chance that the reason is that her sex drive has moved from spontaneous to responsive. If this is the case, then earlier on in the relationship, she had a more spontaneous sex drive, and so there was a desire to have sex prior to actually having sex. But, as life gets more complicated, responsibilities add up, and, frankly, she gets older, women tend to move to a more responsive sex drive. This means that she’s unlikely to want sex unless she’s already aroused, which creates a bit of a chicken-or-the-egg paradox, particularly if she believes she shouldn’t have sex unless she wants sex.
Secondly – does she actually care about the relationship or not. More than likely she does, most do, but I do come across some who don’t, unfortunately. They might say they do, but if they’re not actually interested in how you feel, or in making changes, well, then I’m going to argue they’re not really in the relationship anymore. They’re just being selfish at that point. Now, don’t mistake the difference between “I don’t know what to do about this, and talking about it makes me feel like a failure, so I’d rather avoid it” and “I don’t care what you think or how you feel about this, because I’ve already made up my mind”.
So, if your wife is actually interested in improving the marriage, then I’d say a good place to start is a short e-book I put together about sex drives. I’d see if she’s willing to read it with you and discuss it. In it, we discuss desire vs. willingness, responsive desire, spontaneous desire and the dual control model. If you don’t know what any of those things are, you’ll learn a lot.
I’d start there.
Now, if she’s not interested in even talking about it – well, then you have a bigger problem – attitude. Sex isn’t the issue. It’s only a symptom. I’m working on a webinar about attitude in marriage, so stay tuned for that. But, frankly, if she’s not willing to work on the marriage, she’s probably not going to show up for a webinar. So, then I think it’s time to call in a marriage counsellor.
Question 4 – Fell asleep during sex
I am a woman and my husband was making love to me from behind and I fell asleep with him inside of me. He never stopped and I never woke back up. What would cause this because now my husband thinks he doesn’t satisfy me anymore and my marriage is in jeopardy cuz of it.
Well, the most likely thing that would cause this is exhaustion. What’s going on in your life? Young kids? Late nights and early mornings? High stress (that’s most people right now)? All these things and more can contribute to exhaustion.
Assuming it is exhaustion – sorry husband, in a fight between exhaustion and sex, many people’s brains and bodies will choose to deal with the exhaustion. It’s not because of anything you did wrong.
After 17 years of marriage, my wife recently told me that she simply does not like physical contact of any kind. I’m very affectionate and value that from my partner.
I don’t know if I’ve ignored this all these years or if she’s accommodated me more in the past. My concern isn’t only sexual. We go days without any physical contact and it bothers me.
When she’s described it to me, she said she didn’t have affectionate parents and it affected her from a young age. We both work and have busy lives and a child. But I’m at a place where this is very much in my head all the time. What do I do?
Both myself, and the supporters on the forum who weighed in on this felt there was something else that must be going on. How old is the child? I know a lot of women, particularly with young (especially infant) children feel “touched out” with the kid(s). They are touched so often by them that when you want to touch her, she’s already at the breaking point of needing some alone time.
So, my first question is – what stage of life are you in? How young is the child? What’s the relationship with the child, are they always in her lap, always touching her, always needing something?
If not, then what else is going on in the marriage? My guess would be the relationship is drifting and this is a symptom, not the underlying problem. That’s going to take some difficult conversations and work, possibly with a professional.
That hopefully gives you somewhere to start though.
When does a photograph become pornographic?
Well, the definition of pornography, according to Google, is:
“printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.”
I think that’s a pretty good definition, however, I think it’s missing out on the consumer, for lack of a better word, of the subject in question. What is considered pornographic to some might not be to others. I mean, if you have someone who creates a video of two people having sex and calls it art and says their only intent is aesthetic appreciation and to evoke an emotional response, well, that doesn’t mean it’s not erotic to others.
On the other hand, in the Victorian Era, they were putting covers on the legs of furniture, because that was considered too erotic to be shown, which I think we’d all agree is a step too far.
As well, the word pornography comes from the Greek word “porniea” which we translate as “sexual immorality”. This embeds the idea of there being an inappropriateness to the subject in question. So, my wife sending me a naked image of herself is not pornographic, but me taking that picture and posting it on the internet (with or without her consent) would be. I think intentionally arousing someone who isn’t your spouse is wrong. I think intentionally using someone other than your spouse to get aroused is wrong.
All that said, I’m not sure I can come up with a concise definition of pornography. Any rigorous one would have to have a lot of caveats. I think this is what led Justice Potter Stewart, on the Supreme Court in the US, to simply say “I know it when I see it”.
Who is Jay Dee? What is this website? Why? What are your stances on pegging and Christianity?
Most importantly, poophole loophole? We would love Jay Dee to write something on that!!!! :)))))
We weren’t really sure if this was a troll or what, but that happens fairly often when we’re not sure. I still have a habit of answering, so why not.
Who is Jay Dee? I am. It’s not my real name, it’s a pseudonym. Being anonymous helps me be more open and transparent about other things and protects me and my family.
I have a post on pegging, which you can read here.
As for the crudely named “poophole loophole”, for those who don’t know, this is a reference to the belief that you can remain a virgin, and thus “pure” while still engaging in anal sex. It’s of course absurd. Purity is not dictated by the intactness of a hymen, or even whether or not you’ve engaged in intercourse. Sexual purity is about respecting sex as a powerful thing, and understanding that the only safe container for that powerful act is within a life-long committed relationship – which we call marriage.
Engaging in anal sex, oral sex or manual sex violates that principle. So, no, it’s not a loophole. Just a bad idea made up by someone who was entirely too legalistic about sex outside of marriage and missed the entire point. This is why we focus on teaching biblical principles. Because without them, you can still come up with some crazy ideas and call them “holy”, because “there’s no bible verse saying you can’t”.
And those are all the questions we received last month. If you have a question of your own, you can ask it on our anonymous Have A Question page. If you want to participate in discussing the questions, consider joining our forum only for supporters. There we discuss the questions as they come in, as well as anything else one of our 93 supporters (+ their spouses) bring up in a safe, loving, unmoderated, anonymous community.
8 thoughts on “SWM 070 – Feb 2021 Questions – Semi-public sex, squirting, falling asleep during sex and more”
I’m been subscribed to your blog for a long time but this is the first that I’ve responded to a post.
In regards to question #6, defining what makes something pornographic, you said:
“All that said, I’m not sure I can come up with a concise definition of pornography”.
1) My first question to you is, in practical terms, how can you personally restrict what you can’t even concretely define?
2) My second question to you is, even if you believe that you can concretely define it for yourself, should your definition (or even my definition) be the prevailing standard for others?
The problem with defining something like pornography is that people tend to become legalistic in following it once you have a set definition. They’ll look for loopholes. I think the guidance of “don’t to try turn people on who aren’t your spouse and don’t try to be turned on by people other than your spouse” works pretty well. But, if you start to define exactly what pornography is, then you get these legalistic people who do things like try to make “Christian-friendly porn” on one side, and people on the other side saying your wife sending you a naked picture of herself is sinful. You also get guys masturbating to Facebook pictures of their wife’s friends saying “it’s okay because it’s not porn – they’re not naked”.
So, I think I’ll stick with the “don’t to try turn people on who aren’t your spouse and don’t try to be turned on by people other than your spouse”. It’s not specifically about porn, but I think it encompasses it as a general rule of thumb. And, yes, I think that works fairly well as a prevailing standard for others because it not only places responsibility on the producer but also on the consumer. This is important because individual tastes, desires and interpretations vary, as well as contexts.
Does that answer the questions?
In a way, it does Jay Dee. What you’re informing me is that term “pornography” is contextually meaningless and entirely subjective — affected more by one’s cultural prism, individual preferences and personal likes and dislikes than a concrete societal definition. Literally, if you think something is porn, then it is. If you don’t think that is, then it isn’t.
I sometimes wonder about all the enormous time and energy that our evangelical Christian community devotes to this issue when there isn’t even close to a slight consensus as to what it actually is in practical terms. And if an attempt to concretely define it is requested, then out comes the response that asking the very question itself is legalistic.
What’s truly legalistic: asking the definition question or projecting one’s own tastes and preferences onto others? If this issue is so overwhelming clear cut, then why the complex and complicated explanations?
Not exactly, while I agree, it’s largely subjective, I don’t agree that it’s based on opinion, but rather intent and response. Those are different things. One person might think they don’t see something as pornographic, but it arouses them, and they seek it out because it arouses them. They may never “think” it’s pornographic, despite behaving as if it is. As well, I think there’s plenty of material out there that one would find hard-pressed to find anyone for whom it was not pornographic. So, I think there are potentially absolute examples. I guess what I’m saying is that some things are clearly pornographic, regardless of the person, and other things are subjectively included in that category. However, I think the guidelines I listed cover both cases.
So, why spend time trying to define it? To protect those who cannot protect themselves. I don’t want my children exposed to pornography. We know it causes problems. I would protect them from it if I could. So, I think the pursuit of definition and detection is a good idea. I don’t want to be exposed to it either, so I quite like that I get a warning if I’m about to go to a site that I wouldn’t appreciate.
So, from a technological/legal perspective, I see value in defining it for those reasons, but from a day-to-day practical approach, I think relying on principles is better.
Does that explain better?
Clear as mud my friend.
Seriously though, since the U.S. Supreme Court itself has not been able to agree, from a point of law, what pornography is (if we can objectively call it a “thing” in the first place). At the very least, we need to define it for ourselves personally and not project onto others our biases and feelings about a particular visual or written medium.
After all, you’d have to agree that there’s a world of difference between “Debbie Does Dallas” and a serious educational manual/video on sexual techniques. In fact, sometimes the differences are so large that you can drive a mack truck through it. But believers that are reflexively legalistic will throw everything into the same basket and declare something unequivocally sinful if it merely deviates from what they think. Then we are left with religious injunctions like “You’d better avoid porn! I can’t really define it for you specifically but by God, you’d better stay from it!”.
We’re not allowed to get into the heads of our brothers and sisters in Christ or become their Holy Spirit. Your principles belong exclusively to you and and my principles belong exclusively to me. We don’t want to get that issue confused or we will start hurting each other.
I think it’s perfectly valid to say “avoid porn – whatever that means for you”. We tell people to avoid addictive substances – whatever that means for them because some people can handle Tylenol and some people can’t, but we also say all people should avoid heroin and also cocaine, despite them being different. Being different doesn’t make it automatically okay. You didn’t give any detail on what you meant by “serious educational manual/video on sexual techniques”, so I have no idea if I agree or disagree with you on whether that would be okay.
And no, I don’t think principles belong to a person individually – that’s why they’re called principles, aka “fundamental truths”. The practical application of those principles is individualized, but there are often commonalities amongst all individuals. For example, if we say people should drink between x and y cups of water per day, the commonality is that everyone should drink at least x cups. It doesn’t mean that a group of people is out there going “oh, I don’t need water to survive”. The amount they should drink maybe be individual, but the principle that everyone needs to drink water is common.
So, again, I think everyone should avoid porn – whatever that means for them. I think there are things that are clearly porn that everyone should avoid and I think there are things that some individuals should also avoid and I don’t believe there’s anyone who can watch any porn they want because they’re somehow exempt.
I’m not exactly sure what you’re driving at here though. Maybe you could clarify.
My point is that the term “porn” has become so trite and overused to the point of becoming entirely amorphous and therefore not at all useful at all for guiding our every day personal lives in the public marketplace. Your concept of porn is based on your feelings about said principles that you hold about it and not on the actual principles themselves. If a term means a hundred different things to a hundred different people, it’s not practically helpful. It’s literally the spirit of Babel — confusion.
The drinking water analogy falls apart because how much water that the human body needs is a matter of scientific and medical truth — not our feelings about how much H2o we need. And, of course, people can die or become injured from drinking too much water at one time which is also medical truth.
However, should your views of what you believe about porn be adopted by all believers merely because you assert it as your guiding principle? If humans are inherently fallible (and you can count me in on that for sure), is there even a modicum of a chance that you could be wrong on what you believe about this subject?
I don’t believe anyone should adopt my views simply because they are my views. Only a lunatic, or God, would have that stance, and even God lets us believe what we choose – it won’t protect us from the consequences, but He lets us do it. I have said time and time again that you should act in accordance with your own convictions. I detail my reasons and everyone can make their own decisions and chose their own behaviours.
If I find something that contradicts my beliefs, then I re-evaluate what I believe, see if my principles still make sense, and then adjust them as needed. Something I’ve done many times in my life and will likely continue to do. But in the meantime, yes, I believe I am correct, and if you disagree, then I believe you are wrong. If you want to convince me otherwise, I’ll listen, and as I said, re-evaluate if your argument warrants it.