Here’s a question I received about a week ago through our anonymous Have A Question page:
I’ve been married almost two years and have never experienced an orgasm. However, recently, with a lot of work especially on my husband’s part and a long time of stimulation, we’ve come close (by manual stimulation of the clitoris) and suddenly I had a rush of fluids flowing out of me. I thought I was peeing the first time it happened. It turned us both off, but mostly me. Then it happened the next time we tried it happened even more because I just let it happen rather than stopping abruptly when I started to squirt. There was probably half a liter of fluids and we had to change the sheets! Neither of us like this but still want me to experience orgasm. Do you have any suggestions?
This is a question that’s out there, though it’s not often asked. Usually when it is, the answer is “change your attitude about it”. This is partly to do with two things: Firstly, we have a culture that is very “love your body” focused right now, and so a lot of people’s responses are to embrace it…and find a partner that embraces it too. The other reason, I think, is due to porn. Porn has glorified gushing / squirting to the point that women now want to know how to do it, because men are fascinated by it. There’s this impression out there that if you don’t gush or squirt, then you’re not having the best possible sexual experience. Of course, this isn’t true.
In our survey on female ejaculation, (results here) we found that 7% of wives who experience this would actually prefer not to release so much fluid, that it makes sense less enjoyable. So, what if this happens to you and you don’t want it to? Can you stop?
Are you female ejaculating, gushing or peeing?
So, there’s a lot of research going on about this. It’s probably thanks to the interest from porn, but we can still benefit from the research none-the-less. Turns out that there are three different things that sort of get lumped together. I’ll do my best to separate them, but there isn’t a 100% consensus from the community about what they are either.
If you are female ejaculating
So, female ejaculate is fluid produced from the Skene’s gland.
In female human anatomy, Skene’s glands or the Skene glands(/skiːn/; US dict: skēn; also known as the lesser vestibular glands, periurethral glands, paraurethral glands, or female prostate) are glands located on the anterior wall of the vagina, around the lower end of the urethra. – Wikipedia
The fluid is basically the same as semen, but without the sperm. It contains the came proteins and fluids, just without the genetic information. Like with a man, it comes out of the urethra too. The fluid that comes out is generally milky or whitish in colouring and generally isn’t a lot of fluid, so I don’t think that’s what’s going on above. Still, this might be helpful for someone else. Generally a woman who is ejaculating is doing so because the Skene’s gland has been getting a lot of stimulation, and so it engorges, fills with fluid and then expels it (often during orgasm, but not necessarily).
Some places will call this squirting, some will say squirting is what we’ll call gushing.
So, if you are ejaculating the best way to stop is to be careful not to stimulate the Skene’s gland. If you’re using manual stimulation, or a vibrator, stay away from the urethra. During sex, avoid positions that rub up against the g-spot.
If you are gushing
So, gushing, as we’re going to call it, is fluid from the bladder, but it’s not urine. Some places will call this squirting. This can be a lot of fluid, like the litre mentioned above. Studies done on this involve the women emptying their bladder first to ensure it’s not urine.
That said, because it’s running through the bladder, it is going to contain small amounts of urine, not enough that it should bother you, but enough to confuse researchers…
In short, it’s liquid, but it’s not urine. Some say it tastes sweet.
Unfortunately, not a lot is known about this. It seems a fear of peeing stops a lot of people from experiencing this, which suggests it’s possible to control it, but there have been no studies I have seen on that. However, if I had to guess, I’d say Kegel exercises and increasing your pelvic floor muscles might help. Other than that, it seems to be sort of a damn that, when broken, is hard to gain control of again. People that say once they experience this, suddenly it starts happening every time. But, most of them are happy about it, so I don’t know how many are actually invested in learning how to stop. What you can also try is limit pressure on the bladder during sex. Since the questioner is doing manual stimulation (or with a toy) only on the clitoris, that may not help, but perhaps avoid pushing down on her stomach just in case the husband is resting his head, arm or leg there or something.
Another thing you can try is attempting it kneeling instead of lying down. It’s easier to control your pelvic floor muscles while kneeling, and so that may prevent it.
If you are peeing
Well, then it’s urine. If you go to the bathroom and pee right before sex, and you still gush a litre of fluid, then it’s probably not that. If the fluid is yellowish and smells like urine…well, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…it’s probably a duck.
This isn’t uncommon. It could be stress incontience, which is due to excess pressure being put on the bladder. In fact, 29% of women under 60 say that have had this happen during sex according to WebMD. Now, those responses may be confused between peeing and gushing, we don’t know. Still, my point is, it’s not uncommon.
It could also simply be that you have poor control over your PC muscles and during sex you are trying to relax and … well, you relax too much. This may resolve in time as you learn your body better, especially how it reacts to sex, and your body may learn which muscles to relax and which you need to keep in control of.
The problem is that this is going to make orgasm harder. Now you have this fear of fluid coming out of you when you try, and that anxiety is going to increase your cortisol levels (the stress hormone), which negates dopamine (the “risk/reward” hormone”), which you need to orgasm.
So, things you can do:
- Work on your PC muscles with Kegel exercises (or squats are apparently better, according to the comment below).
- Avoid pressure on the bladder.
- Avoid fluid a couple of hours prior to sex and go to the bathroom right before sex.
- Get relaxed. Maybe start with a massage. This will reduce your stress levels.
In the meantime
Relax. Be calm. Almost everyone deals with some sort of sexual struggle. They just don’t like to talk about it. While you’re sorting things out, get a bunch of big towels and a waterproof mattress cover to have sex on so you have a dry place to sleep at night.
You’ll get through this. You didn’t aspect specifically about the orgasm difficulties, but you may want to check out:
- Making it easier to orgasm: A guide for Christian Wives
- Orgasm difficulties survey results
- What is a good first “adult” toy?
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
Subscribe to get the 2 page PDF full of questions to help you and your spouse start to talk about your sex life.