SWM 151 – AQ – Oral Sex Norms, Fantasy Guilt & Rekindling Passion

Jun 27, 2025 by Jay Dee in Podcast

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Topics include:
Do men enjoy cunnilingus after ejaculation?
Should I feel bad for refusing oral after anal?
My spouse says I should accept substitutes for sex
Feeling unloved due to lack of physical affection
Guilt over sexual desires shaped by past porn use
When one spouse wants BDSM and the other doesn't
Sex is loving but not exciting—can it be fixed?
Why not have kids in your 40s?
Survey requests on mutual masturbation and handjobs

We haven’t done a round up of our anonymous questions for a while. These are actually questions going all the way back to January of this year. For those who are new, these questions come in from our anonymous Have A Question page. They have no contact information, and so we only get whatever they put in the text box as we can’t reach out to get more context. I posted the questions in our supporter’s forum where they were discussed and eventually became a blog post and a podcast episode.

So, if you have a question of your own you can’t find an answer to, or are afraid to ask anywhere else, you can ask it there, or join our supporter’s forum where you can ask anything you want anonymously as well.

But for now, we’re going to get on with these questions.

Question 1 – Cunnilingus after ejaculation

Do most guys enjoy cunnilingus after ejaculation?

I don’t have any stats on how many, I’m afraid. I could not find a survey on it anywhere, nor have we asked that question in any of our surveys.

I do know that some men definitely do enjoy it, and often quite passionately. Some have been very not-shy about sharing just how much they like it, and also how much their partners (not always married) also enjoy receiving it.

There’s another group of men who want to, but don’t, either because they’re afraid of judgement from the partner or because they errantly believe that ingesting their own semen while performing oral sex on their wife is somehow a homosexual act.

There’s yet another group of men who want to, but as soon as they ejaculate, suddenly they lose interest – likely because of the phenomenon where what you think is distasteful changes before and after orgasm.

And then of course there are those who have no interest, for a variety of reasons.

If I had to guess, it would be that “most” men haven’t ever tried it for a variety of reasons, and so have no idea if they enjoy it or not.

I will try to ask this question the next time I do a survey about oral sex though.

Question 2 – Oral after anal

My boyfriend is really into oral after anal. Really into it. I’m not sure where I am on this. Feels kinda degrading. Wondering if I’m overthinking it. Seems to be a common thing. Am I being too uptight not to try it?

You should never do anything that you’re uncomfortable doing. It doesn’t matter if it’s common, it doesn’t matter if you think you’re overthinking it, and I definitely don’t think you should do anything you feel is degrading. I think anyone who is pressuring you to do something you feel is degrading isn’t being very loving.

Now, that said, I do think there are times when it’s appropriate to check your feelings and see if they’re valid, as this woman is doing.

In this particular situation, yeah, there are a lot of reasons not to.

You’re not married, so you shouldn’t be having any sort of sex, vaginal, anal, oral, or oral after anal.
There are definitely health risks and concerns with oral sex after anal. There’s a chance of E. coli and Shigella bacterial transfer. These can cause infections and dysentery. There’s a risk of parasitic and viral infections, and more. Now, because it’s your own gut bacteria, it’s less risky than if it were, say, someone else’s, but there’s still a risk. As well, if you then go on to kiss your boyfriend, then that extends the transfer of your gut bacteria and everything else possible to him, which he will not have as much of a defence against. Either way, this is considered a health risk.
Any time you do something you feel is degrading, you damage your own self-worth. If you’re willing to do things that degrade you, then you will find your self-valuation degraded which can cause depression, lower assertiveness and more, which will cause problems throughout your life.
As far as I know, this isn’t that common. It’s common in porn, but not in the general public.

So, no, I don’t think you’re being too uptight at all.

Question 3 – Dismissive response to a desire for intimacy

Regarding high/low drive spouses. Have you been the high drive and consistently been rejected for years? Have you had your feelings explained away by the suggestion, “you should accept a substitute for sex for real intimacy”?

Yes, yes and yes. Here’s what we learned and implemented to turn things around:

Learning about responsive vs spontaneous desire.
My wife adopted an attitude of being willing to be aroused.
Learn how to turn her on (talking dirty, massage, toys)
As a couple – don’t put the low drive spouse in charge of something they have no innate desire to do (sex)
Be okay with duty/obligation/”sex for you”
Have sex frequently (at least twice a week) so you can get better at it
Figure out when is a good time to have sex (men tend to do best first thing in the morning, women in the afternoon, almost no one is at their peak in the evening, and the later/more tired you get, the worse you do). Lots of couples have a “cutoff” time, where they will not initiate/agree to sex after a certain time.

Now, some of these the high drive spouse has to work on, some the low drive spouse has to, and some you do together. But it has to be tackled as a team.

Question 4 – Lack of sex makes me think my wife doesn’t love me

I know my wife admires me. I know she loves me and I her. But when she admonishes me and give me words of affirmation I have a hard time taking them and valuing or trusting them maybe. I feel like it’s hard to take them to heart because of not putting her loving effort in our physical relationship, whether it be just physical affection and or sexual encounters. We have talked about my desire for her to put some thought and effort into physical affections, but we haven’t experienced much after effect from these conversations. Any thoughts on how I can take her affections more wholeheartedly or anything else I’m not seeing?

Thanks

I’m not sure if you meant admonish or something else, because admonish means to reprimand you. Affirm, encourage, etc. seem to fit better, so I’m going to guess it’s something like that.

Anyways, my guess is that you’re conflating two things:

Her love for you
Her desire for sex

And this is pretty common, because for men, a lack of sex causes a depletion of oxytocin which makes you feel emotionally insecure and unloved. It’s not that she doesn’t love you, it’s that you don’t feel like she does. That’s why you’re having a conflict between what you know and what you feel.

I talk about this in my course for Christian wives where I share with them that when your husband is constantly initiating sex, what he means is:

“I miss you, I feel disconnected and I’m scared that our relationship is drifting and that you don’t love me. I want to feel connected to you, to bond with you, so that I can feel safe and secure in our marriage, so that I can feel what I know – that you love me.”

And every time I run a webinar and I always have wives in tears when I share this, because they now realize that it isn’t just about sex – it’s about connection for their husband. But it shouldn’t take me teaching this for them to know. Ideally, we teach husbands to share things like this on their own so I don’t have to play translator for their wives.

So, I would suggest communicating in that way. Will it help? I don’t know. I don’t know your wife. The wives I’m talking to in my webinar are there because THEY want to change. They want more, they want better, they want to do their part in making an amazing marriage, and so they’re open, willing and primed to take this in.

But you can’t force them to do that. So, for your side, I would say keep communications open. Let her know you miss her and you’re feeling unloved. Explain that it’s chemical and that you’re struggling with this. In the meantime, it may help to know that this doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, she just doesn’t have the same sort of sex drive you do, and I’d recommend the previous question on how to start making changes in that area of your marriage.

Question 5 – Husband is unwilling to explore due to past porn use

Hi,

My husband and I have been married for almost a year and our sex life has been simply incredible. We have communicating about our sexual desires and fantasies since we were dating. I am not going to get specific but these are all monogamous, safe, and pleasurable without pain for both parties when done properly. I don’t find any of the things he wants gross, degrading or objectionable; in fact most of them sound quite fun.

Since we got married we have mostly focused on “more normal” activities and those have been insanely pleasurable for us. Earlier today I suggested that we start exploring and that we should practice X technique; my husband responded that it’s wrong that he wants X. As I already mentioned I don’t agree it’s degrading and I want to do X with my husband.

My husband like almost all men of our generation had a problem with porn but was always very upfront with me about it; he has been clean since we got engaged. I never thought bad of him for it; I had sex with previous partners and watched porn myself on occasion neither of us are perfect.

I think my husband feels guilty about his past; how can I help him feel OK about his desires? I want our bedroom to be a place where we both feel same to explore together

A common struggle in marriages that have been impacted by porn is trying to decide if what they desire is there due to porn, or if it existed before porn and that’s why it was so easy to be tempted by it, if porn amplified or twisted their desires, or a mix of all the above. And then, what is the right response to this?

Do we avoid all things that are in porn – well, that doesn’t leave anything left.

Now, the best answer I have to this is – sex should be loving. Really, that is the summary of every rule, commandment, law, etc. in the Bible. As Jesus said, tying the entirety of the OT and NT together – Love God, love your neighbour, love yourself, and Paul echoes this – Love is the greatest of all the fruit of the spirit.

So, is what you want to do loving?

Now, that is where people get into disagreements, and that’s fine because people are individuals. We might individually disagree with each other, or as a couple disagree with another couple. This is why we have a BDSM section of our forum that is opt-in, because some are perfectly fine with it, and others are not and don’t even want to see the discussions. That’s okay.

If your husband is uncomfortable with it – then don’t force him to do something he doesn’t feel is loving. If you’re uncomfortable with something, then don’t agree to it.

Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t discuss it, but if the discussion becomes unloving, then drop it for a while.

We have had many things in our marriage that one has brought up and the other might have been uncomfortable with at first, both inside and outside of the bedroom.

We’ve learned not to nag. Either they will come around, or not. It can be brought up again later, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, months, years, even decades. Some things change, some don’t. That’s okay. There are so many things a couple can do that we don’t have to agree on all the things a couple could do.

Other than that, honestly, sometimes we just need to hear it from someone else. Talk to a trusted friend that won’t say it’s okay just to make you feel better, who will tell you if you’re wrong. If you can’t find anyone, book a free discovery call, I will 100% tell you if I think something is a bad idea.

Question 6 – Wife is uninterested in BDSM

I’d like to explore BDSM. My wife has no interest in trying it. Is it better to just focus on what I have sexually and bury my desires to try or bring it up every so often to see if she has changed? or is there a third option that is a better response to her lack of interest in BDSM? Thanks

Probably a third option – talk about what it is about BDSM you’re looking for and she’s opposed to. I mean, there are lots of “flavours” of BDSM, even within a Christian world-view. It’s a pretty large umbrella term, so much so that in our survey on BDSM practices, a large number of people said they don’t practice BDSM and have no interest in it while simultaneously reporting that they’re engaging in activities that many would consider BDSM activities.

For example, if you’re thinking “I think it would be fun to try a blindfold”, but she’s thinking “He wants to use chains to tie me down and whip me” – those are world’s apart.

So, be clear about what you’re talking about from both sides. Because I have no idea exactly what you mean or are looking for based on this question, so likely she doesn’t either.

Question 7 – How do we get back to exciting sex?

How do we restore real excitement for each other to our sex life and marriage?

Apologies, this is long. I don’t have an anonymous email address to email you with, so I want to give as much context here as possible.

My wife and I have had problems in our marriage in the past with frequency of sex and being engaged in the bedroom. As you can imagine, this has also been connected to other issues around intimacy and emotional connection. We started off as friends and became lovers. The sexual desire was there and we were incredibly tempted and even gave in on some occasions before getting married.

After getting married it seems my wife lost most interest when it was no longer something forbidden. Before marriage we were trying to fight the urge for it, in marriage she was trying to avoid it. Sex was more sporadic and a constant source of tension. We did also venture into a lot of sinful areas. I have since taken responsibility and apologised for leading terribly in this area. We both had porn usage, but I pushed for more exploration in strip clubs and even swingers clubs (no interactions with anyone else) and it really broke trust.

Since then, we have repaired and rebuilt. Our marriage is much better. We have more sex and overall are largely on the same page. Our disagreements don’t escalate as much as they used to and get resolved much quicker. We took the “two servants in love” approach from Jimmy Evans and some of the points you’ve alluded to in your podcast. However, now sex doesn’t feel like something we share, but more like something we get done cooperatively. We serve each other. We know how to get each other off. We can both reliably have orgasms. We both choose to meet each other’s needs. It still feels like something is missing.

The best way I can put it is, it’s personalised but not personal. No real specific passion between us. We’re two friends helping each other get off. I don’t think there’s anything particularly about me that puts my wife in the mood. She often does it for me when I look at her, but we mostly have sex because I press for it (and she willingly obliges) or she recognises it has been some time. On the odd occasion, she’s horny, but it’s more of a general desire for sexual pleasure, not specifically me. Our interactions are more like horniness + sexual stimulation = pleasure.

We may kiss for a bit. But she doesn’t even really want all of that or foreplay. She kinda wants the most efficient route to an orgasm and some good sleep afterward. We just decide we’re going to have sex and start applying coconut oil for lubricant. Like I said, she knows what to say, what to wear or how to position her body to really stimulate me. I know what to say and what to do for her to get her off. It’s reliable but I don’t think it really brings us any closer. I’ve asked for more after-sex touching, caressing or holding but my wife needs to urinate to avoid a UTI and then get to sleep.

We both struggle a lot of the time to avoid going to mental images, that include others outside our marriage. For my wife, it does create a barrier because she’s either trying to fight it or restricting our 1-on-1 interactions for fear of going back to a sinful place in her mind. I have less of an issue with this when we’re in the act, but mine is more so when I’m alone.

I try and figure out what the root lie we’ve believed to make us have any doubt that anything is better than God’s plan for sex in marriage. Sometimes I think it’s appearance. Maybe I could get in shape and inspire my wife’s interest. My wife often doesn’t care too much about her appearance but has been making efforts at times for me. I think we can faithfully recite our faith in God’s plan, but its like functionally we don’t act like we believe it. I think functionally we both believe some version of “marriage is a place of perseverance/yielding but real desire/excitement comes from outside the marriage”. So, even though we both fight it, avoid porn and love each other…sex between us isn’t as mentally exciting as the fantasies. Agape Love doesn’t seem to lead to sexual connection.

I feel silly even raising this, because on paper, this is an answered prayer. We’re having more sex and we’re getting on. We have a wonderful life and get to go on many dates. I leave those dates happy because I enjoy spending time with my wife, but it doesn’t “reignite the spark”. I know that under the surface, even when we engage in mutual masturbation, we want to explore all sorts of sinful ideas, because the approved ideas just aren’t as exciting for us. Also, I want to feel desired, not just catered to (though I realise how amazing it is that she does cater to me).

Is there any way to rewire our tastes to be so enthralled with each other alone? Are we irreparably damaged by the pornographic images in our minds from previous usage? Do we just need to fight harder? Is it a matter of time before we redevelop our palate? Is it a spiritual battle? Is my wife’s preference for the type of porn she watched (girl on girl) indicative of how she really feels about me? I know my previous search history can be very separate from what I actually want in my life, but is that the same for women?

NB. We have looked at the Sexploration List to discuss what we like, but it feels like more tools to help each other get off, which we don’t have a problem with.

So, that’s awesome, you went from infrequent sex to mediocre sex. That’s a step up, but, yeah, definitely not where you want to stay. And you’ve become efficient at sex, which is handy at times. However, efficiency isn’t erotic. It’s the opposite. It’s proceduralized and mundane, which not sexy at all for the vast majority of people. And that’s because there’s no risk. You know exactly what’s going to happen, when how they’re going to respond and what the result is. Adventure is exciting – the not knowing, but too much not knowing is scary for some. So, you have to know the limits, and that’s going to depend on the person.

That’s what the Sexploration List is all about – so you can discuss the boundaries of what’s okay and not. Ideally you come up with a large list of things that are “in bounds”, and then when you have a large repertoire, then you can add variation, and the more variation you add, the less routine/predictable/mundane/efficient/boring things will be. Because right now you’re likely having sex that’s:

Initiation
Foreplay (maybe)
Penetration
Orgasm (for him or her)
Orgasm (for the other, maybe)
Clean up
Sleep

This is a pretty normal, standard “maintenance sex” type routine a lot of people fall into. And if you’re like “yeah, well, what else would you do?” then you’re so far in the rut you don’t realize there are other roads anymore.

For example, we don’t have “foreplay”, just have play. Manual, oral, penetration can happen in any order, and repeat in any order. We’ll change positions a half-dozen times. We’ll need water breaks, bathroom breaks and catch our breath breaks over the couple of hours we’ll play.

We might use toys, we might not. That might be one toy, or it might be a full on bondage gear, multiple toys, blindfold, and nipple clamps.

The point is – she has no idea what’s coming, and I am like a kid at an amusement park, so varied there’s no way you can do every ride in 2 days let alone 2 hours. So, I don’t really have a plan going in either, I just do things as they present themselves, or as it comes to me, though sometimes I do make a plan and then execute it.

It’s that adventurousness, the unknowing, the “I don’t know if she’s going to be okay with this today, but I’m going to try” and her “what’s he going to do to me?” that makes it exciting because there’s an element of risk and surprise to it.

And that’s what Our Sexploration List is for – not so you can have a kinkier rut – it’s to give you so many paths to take that you don’t make a rut. So, switch things up, try different orders, loop around to the beginning and start again half way through. Slow down. Pick an activity or five and work them into the play for the night.

Question 8 – Why not have children in your late 30s or 40s?

In a comment thread on your How do you know if you’re sexually compatible? article, you stated, “ I think marrying in your early 30s is too late. Ideally you should be finishing up having kids by that age.” I agree with the first sentence (my wife and I were married before we were 20 and we pray that our children will also be able to find spouses while young) but take issue with the second. Why is it ideal to be finishing up having kids in your early 30s? When, why, and how should we decide to cut ourselves off from God’s blessing of children (Psalm 127)? I am not an adherent of the “quiver full” movement but see nothing wrong with continuing to have children into your late 30s or (gasp) even your 40s. I know multiple large families (6+ kids each) that have allowed the Lord to bless them with children well beyond your “ideal” cutoff of 33 (?) and see nothing unwise or not ideal in doing so.

I think it’s ideal, from a practical standpoint, to marry young and have children earlier. The older you get, the harder it is to conceive, the risks of pregnancy increase (both for the mother and the child), and recovery tends to take longer. Male fertility declines too — sperm count, motility, and morphology all drop with age.

On top of that, raising young kids takes a lot of energy. I had the bulk of mine in my late 20s and early 30s, and even then, it was exhausting. I can’t imagine having back-to-back babies into my late 30s and 40s.

The simple reality is that the ideal biological window for childbearing is in your 20s to early 30s. That’s not just opinion — it’s well-known and well-documented by science.

That said, none of this means you can’t or shouldn’t have children later in life if that’s where life takes you. But I do disagree with the modern trend of intentionally delaying marriage and family without a compelling reason. Children are a blessing, and it makes sense to welcome that blessing while you’re at your best physically and energetically.

Question 9, 10, 11, 12 – Survey request

Uncovering Intimacy has a lot of surveys and data on oral sex, but limited information on handjobs and manual sex. Would be interested to learn how common it is, how wives feel about, what’s done with ejaculation…

Your surveys are so helpful. I would be interested in a survey on mutual masturbation. How often are couples doing that? How are they doing that? Where does the husband finish? Do couples use lube? Does he or she finish it?

You should do a survey on mutual masturbation among married couples. The surveys on oral sex and other aspects of sex are fantastic.

Will you do a survey on mutual masturbation?

I’m guessing these are all from the same person, because they all came in pretty close to each other.

There is a survey on mutual masturbation from a decade ago when we were just starting out. It only had 155 respondents. But I agree, let’s redo it and expand it to include manual sex. But I’m going to need your help. When you see it, I’m going to need you all to fill it out. I’ll get started on it and hopefully we’ll have it out soon.

And that’s all for today. Again, if you have a question of your own, check out the have a question page on our website, or join our supporter’s forum to post questions, get support, encouragement and everything else you’d expect from an awesome group of Christians who are focused on better marriages.