Well, here we are for another round of anonymous questions. As mentioned in the weekly update (subscribe here if you didn’t get it), I’ll be answering them here for those who want to read and comment below.
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Now, on to the questions.
Question #1: Why don’t I have a course for men?
As I was looking around the website I couldn’t help but notice that there is a course for wives to take. I felt so puzzled because in my marriage, I am the one who is suffering intimacy. My husband who is 37 does not show any interest in having sex. I can initiate and he will reject me. My question is, why isnt there a course for men to take? I don’t feel like it’s always the wives who don’t want sex. Why won’t my husband have sex with me?
I tend to build the resources I offer based on the questions I get through emails, searches on the website, conversations with people and clients I’m coaching. I created the “Becoming more sexually engaged” course for wives, because, at the time, I was getting a lot of questions from wives asking how they could learn to be more engaged sexually in their relationship. It wasn’t because men were asking why their wives weren’t more engaged. In fact, I don’t suggest husbands buy it for their wives unless they’ve been asked to.
That’s not to say there aren’t men who need help with this. However, the number of men who are lower drive, or struggle with being sexually engaged in their marriage AND are willing to accept or seek help is extremely low. In fact, I’ve only had a handful contact me in the 6 years since I started the blog. Writing a course like that takes a lot of time. It’s a bit more involved than simply writing a blog post or two. For the wives course, I had a group of a dozen or so women to help test the ideas, work through the homework and find ways to improve it. I doubt I could find a large enough group to do the same for men.
Also, because I have a larger set of low-drive women to pull from, it was easier to break it down into common patterns. Due to the small sample size of men who are willing to talk about it, I haven’t been able to find many common patterns yet. They all seem very individual. And so, for the moment, I address the issues with them in coaching.
And I don’t want you to think it’s always the wives who don’t want sex. That’s not what I’m saying. While it’s fairly prevalent for the husband to be the lower drive (¼ to ⅓ of marriages), and about 10% of marriages the husband is actively refusing sex, it’s an extremely low number (I don’t have a stat) of men who are willing to discuss it, let alone seek or accept help. Like I said, I’ve come across a handful in the last 6 years. But yes, far more wives are suffering in silence and with husbands unwilling to get help. That’s why the post I want my husband to want me is the 6th most viewed post on the site out of hundreds of articles, read over 75,000 times.
Now, to answer the question “Why won’t my husband have sex with me?” Unfortunately, the reason I don’t have a course is the reason I can’t answer that directly. I could give a lot of potential reasons, but without knowing some context, I’d hate to just give a list and have you worry about all of them.
If you want to email me ([email protected]), we can discuss it and see if we can find some possible causes, but the truth is, without your husband’s interaction, we’ll just be guessing. I’m sorry I don’t have an out-of-the-box solution for you.
Question #2: To masturbate or not
I’m married and I’m always horny I come home from work and I just want to masturbate but I don’t know if I should or not?
We were discussing this question in our supporter Facebook group and a lot of people jumped to the conclusion that this was a man, but I’ve come across too many high drive wives to make that assumption these days.
As for the question itself, Christians are split on this issue. My take on masturbation is that masturbation is solo sex, and sex should only be shared with your spouse. If you want to argue that position, you are welcome to do so in the post Why masturbation is a problem whether you’re married or single. It has links to all my posts on the subject, which many people love to hate. I welcome any new arguments so long as they’re respectful.
So, my vote is “should not”, but rather wait until your spouse gets home. So, what can you do instead? Build a new habit. If you usually masturbate when you get home, go for a run instead, or a walk if that’s too much. Read a book, maybe your Bible, as most Christians don’t ever actually do that. Find some new thing to do after work. Eventually you will find the need dissipates, even if the desire doesn’t.
Question #3: Oral sex and swallowing
I will endeavor to be concise yet give relevant details. Via social media, I was shown a summary statistic that claimed to be from a published study. However, there was no source. Thus I am a little dubious. Nevertheless, in this supposed study of nearly 800 people there were a few stats that caught my attention.
In the section about fellatio:
* Men were 4x more likely than to want to finish in the woman’s mouth than a woman wanting him to finish in her mouth.
* Only 15% of women said they enjoyed him finishing in her mouth.
* Only 9% of women said they preferred to swallow (vs 42% of men who preferred her to swallow).
These next few shocked me:
* 40% of women said finishing in their mouth was the least preferred place!
* 63% of women said they would rather have the finish be on their body (chest 37%, stomach/hips 36%, face 13%).
* 38% of women said it was more desirable to have him climax in her rectum than in her mouth.
I was surprised and my wife happened to be reading beside me so I read it to her. Her response was “Oh I believe that. If my only two options are in the mouth or in the rear, then I’d rather in the rear every time. 100%.”
This also surprised me. I keep myself trimmed and do endeavor to be clean before hand. I inquired further. Apparently she doesn’t care for the moment of climax. The sudden expulsion in her mouth is not pleasant. Primarily though, it is the taste she doesn’t like. Spit versus swallow didn’t matter to her because she tastes it the same. It is usually faster and less taste if she swallows quickly.
Her contrast – “In my rear – I don’t taste it, it is easy clean up, and I don’t feel the desire to brush my teeth.”
Eight years of marriage with regular oral (approximately once a month), why didn’t she say anything?
“You enjoy it. I enjoy you enjoying it. It’s very intimate for me to bless you by doing it. I don’t mind the oral, I like it actually. Just not the finish.”
We are going to experiment with other finishes in hopes we find something mutually enjoyable.
Initially, I had three questions for you. Fortunately, you’ve already answered most of them!
The first question was, how do I improve my taste? You answered that. Thank you!
The next was, are these survey numbers reflected in your experience? I wonder how accurate they are. I found that you had run a survey ~5 years ago in which the numbers are different but the themes seem to be present. I’m wondering if you have plans to run a future follow up survey that perhaps included preferences for where his ejaculate is received? That first survey didn’t have many respondents nor did it ask the question of preference for receiving the finish.
Lastly, I was curious if you recognized the numbers and might know of an actual published study to back them.
Thank you for the knowledge, wisdom, time, and work you put into this site.
Well, thank you for doing my work for me and finding the links to the first two questions! As for the last question, I’m sorry, I don’t recognize the study or those numbers. I sort of doubt there would be a study involving that, just due to the inability to validate people’s responses. A survey perhaps. But, either way, I’m afraid I don’t know it. I can try to ask similar questions in a future survey of ours and see if the numbers are similar. That’s about the best I can do I’m afraid.
Question #4: Husband can’t tell if I orgasm
My husband can not tell when I orgasm, nor can he feel when I’m orgasming. After having three children in the last 3.5 years, I know I have a weak pelvic floor, but I am working on correcting that. He wants me to say when it’s happening, but I can not form any coherent words just before, during or just after, though I have tried. He has told me that he has had trouble figuring out if I’m enjoying it while we have sex, so I’ve worked at getting louder with my moans, saying when I’m enjoying something he’s doing, and become more active during our love making. It’s a turn off when he asks if I’ve gotten an orgasm while we are going at it. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Part of me feels like he isn’t observant, while another part is wondering what in the world is wrong with me. I’m assuming that this is not typical, any suggestions as to what I can try next?
Already, let’s address a few things here.
Firstly, why does it matter? I ask this, because someone in our group asked it when we were discussing this question. Another of our members gave a pretty solid answer. He (leaving him unnamed on purpose) said:
From a husbands perspective it might matter in a couple of ways.
First (and this is controversial), I think I get more satisfaction from my wife’s orgasm than I do mine. That is my primary “objective” in sex.
Second, I love to know when she is getting closer because it really excites me.
Third, I can know when and how to do the things that may help her over the top.
Fourth, she usually likes me to penetrate her just before or during orgasm if I’m not there already.
Fifth, I like to look in her eyes if she wants me to, just before and during. Very intense and intimate.
Sixth, sometimes knowing it is approaching helps me orgasm at the same time.
Often though she is caught off guard and it happens suddenly, or she is so focused I can’t read her well.
Now, those may not all apply to every couple, but I thought it was a pretty good list of reasons why it matters to many husbands.
As for the weak pelvic floor, I think it’s fantastic you are working on that, for a variety of reasons. But, there are other ways to recognize an orgasm. Skin flush, breathing changes, facial expressions, toe curling, leg shaking, core muscle contractions and others. Not everyone experiences them all, but many have a few tells. However, most are hard to see with the lights off. So, if you’re having sex with the lights off, maybe try turning them on.
But, your husband definitely isn’t the first one not to be able to recognize when his wife is having an orgasm. Truth be told, occasionally I can’t tell either.
Let’s see if we can find a solution though. What if you changed it so that after you orgasmed you let him know in some way. Something like “Mmm, that was good.” He may continue to ask for a bit, but eventually he’d recognize that you’ll let him know when you’ve had one.
Though if he’s really hung up on knowing in the moment, maybe there’s a non-verbal cue you could give. Perhaps squeezing his arm, or something like that. Doesn’t have to be much.
Lastly, you could try letting him know your arousal level as it changes. If you used a scale of 0-10, 0 being you just finished changing a diaper and are as far from thinking about sex as a human can possibly be, and 10 being mid-orgasm, then as you go through foreplay and sex, you could let him know as you raise up the scale. You may not be able to vocalize a 10, but maybe knowing you’re at a 9 or higher would help him rather than wondering if you were still simmering down at a 6.
Those are just some ideas. I hope something in there helps. If anyone else has any, feel free to comment below.
That’s about it for this week. If you have a question you’d like answered, check out our anonymous Have a Question page and I’ll try to get an answer posted within a week or two. Otherwise, you can email me at [email protected] and I generally respond much quicker than that, unless I have the flu …
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
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