Well, it hasn’t quite been a week, but I wanted to get our weekly email out because of an announcement (if you missed it, subscribe to make sure you don’t miss any more).
In the mean time, I also have two anonymous questions from our Have A Question page:
Question 1: Is my desire for adventurous sex natural?
My wife and I have what I think is a great sex life. We have sex 3+ times a week. She is able to orgasm about ~75% of the time and I love all of our times together whether we stick to the “tried and true” or decide to be a little more adventurous in our choice of positions. My question is a bit long:
I am definitely the more “adventurous” one and for me, it is hard to decipher if that is because of natural curiously and a desire to explore my wife’s body (think lots of fun positions, anal sex, etc.) is because of a healthy love for her and a delight in her, or if it is because of the decade of porn I consumed prior to Jesus slapping me in the face with some grace.
My wife grew up in an extremely conservative Christian home, but having read a lot of your posts, she doesn’t suffer from some of the negative views of sex that seem common. My fear is really that by experimenting we may ruin the wonderful sex life we already have.
I’ve talked with my wife about the different things I’ve wanted to explore together and she has been super sweet and willing to try whatever, but then when it comes down to it I get cold feet and I just want to make her feel great and loved and cherished and part of me feels embarking on some explorative sexual forays will damage that.
Any guidance / advice would be extremely helpful. I read your article about when not to spice up your sex life and I feel like I am on the other side of that saying “our sex life is fantastic! I am afraid spicing it up will damage it!”
Thanks for reading!
Alright, so there’s a few things going on here. First, I want to acknowledge that the relationship seems solid. They’re having regular sex, he’s approached her about trying new things. She’s accepting and willing to explore. So, that’s the situation. I mean that to say if your situation is different, then what I write might not apply to you. Even if it does, you should use your own best judgement, because I’m trying to make a best guess based on 4 short paragraphs of information.
That said, I think the biggest problem here is that he’s getting cold feet. I think the “is it natural or is it porn” question here is likely just a cover for the “when I try, I get scared”. The problem with the whole “is it because of porn” argument is that it’s circular. A lot of the activities one sees in porn are interesting and exciting, because we have a natural drive and curiosity about them. Now, it’s true that porn can warp your views and make you want stuff you didn’t before, but I don’t think positions or anal sex (the examples given) are because of porn. Positions are interesting because they give a different experience, a different feeling. Anal sex is the same (different feelings, different nerve endings). People have been doing both well before modern porn was on the scene, or before it was ubiquitous.
So, my advice would be to just jump in. Try something small, like a new position. Then talk about it afterwards. What was good, what wasn’t. Then pick something new to try. If you’re worried your wife is just going along with it, then I suggest checking out Our Sexploration List. It has pages of ideas for activities you can try, as well as a scale for you each to fill out to figure out what she’s really interested in, rather than just what she’s saying yes to for your sake.
Question 2: Is my husband the only one who doesn’t want sex all the time?
I’m the higher drive (female) in my marriage of 24 years. We only have sex 5 times a month. I have also told him that when I don’t orgasm, I would like to have sex again in the next few days. Fell on deaf ears. And forget about having sex 2 days in a row. I have no idea what his refractory period is. I have repeatedly told him that I want to more. We have had numerous discussions. The same discussion over the last 4 years. He does call me beautiful, comments on my body daily. Our 3 kids live at home but have jobs and college classes. We have many opportunities to have sex when their not here (today was a perfect example) , to not worry about them hearing us. This just doesn’t cross his mind. I am a stay at home mom and he works, sometimes traveling a few hours to a job then back another couple to home. I am very sympathetic to the hours he works and the travel. We’ve also stopped flirting during the day and planning for that night because he would get home and we wouldn’t. He wants me to initiate but how can I when he’s nodding in the chair at 8:30? I also tried to include his love languages. His highest score was words of affirmation, 2nd highest, acts of service. Way down at 3 & 4 were physical touch and quality time. So I would listen more and make sure he knew I was proud of him, and doing things to make them easier on him. My 2 highest are physical touch and quality time. But he won’t do anything about my love language. What man doesn’t want physical touch??? I am at the best weight I have been in the last 10 years. Even I, who am negative about the way I look, think I look pretty good. I feel like he is the only man who doesn’t use any opportunity to have sex with his wife. I also do complement him and do say I want to. Maybe not in the way he wants. Guess I just need a man’s opinion.
The short answer is: No, your husband is not the only one. In fact, I used to get this question so often, I wrote this post. While our culture and media often tells us is that men always have high sex drives and women always have low sex drives. The truth is a lot more complex. Our arousal systems are complicated and affected by things such as environment, stress, diet, age, gender, hormone levels, pain and a whole lot of other things.
Now, it is unfortunate that he’s not attentive to your love languages. That’s something I’d love to see you guys get some help with since he doesn’t seem to be hearing what you are saying. But, the fact hat he wants sex less often is fairly common. In our surveys it seems to be about 25-33% of the husbands have lower sex drives than their wives. Sadly, in about 10% of marriage, the husband is actively refusing to have sex more than once a month.
So, what can you do? Some of the suggestions from our secret Facebook group were:
- Get a medical workup – falling asleep at 8:30 pm seems a bit unusual unless he’s starting work in the very early hours of the day
- Get his testosterone checked – if it’s low there are many natural methods to deal with it which have helped many couples
- Get him more active – healthier bodies tend to respond better. It’s likely not your body that’s the issue.
- Work on communication – it could be he’s just not understand what you are asking for, or doesn’t quite know how to fulfill your desires
All good suggestions.
As well, one of our reader’s has a support group of sorts for high drive wives with low drive husbands. If you’d like an invite, shoot me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I can put you in touch with the facilitator.
That’s it for this week’s questions. If you have a question of your own, or a topic you’re having trouble finding information on, check out our Have A Question to ask it anonymous, or just email me at email@example.com.