SWM 109 – Crossdressing, reframing duty sex, wife gets sex when she wants, but he doesn’t
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Welcome to another roundup of our anonymous questions from our Have A Question page. These are coming from June, so we’re nearly caught up! We’re at about 1,000 responses on our latest survey about premarital sex, so if you haven’t participated yet, and I know the majority of you haven’t, because we get about 4,000 people listening to each podcast episode or reading the blog posts, then help us hit our goal of 2,000 responses.
And now, on to the questions.
Question 1 – Crossdressing
This question is in reference to Deuteronomy 22:5. I saw a man at the mall wearing a dress. He has a beard and does not identify as a woman. He looks like a man who happens to be wearing a dress. Is he crossdressing? I know God does not like blurring the gender lines, as He created male and female. However, he identifies as a man and looks like a man. However, his fashion choice is a dress. Is it a sin for him to be wearing a dress, even though there is no gender identity issue?
You saw a man, and you said it looks like he’s just a man who happens to be wearing a dress. But you have no idea. And that is the problem, especially today – you can very easily send the wrong message, and we are supposed to abstain from even the appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22).
So, that’s not something I would do at all. As for the man in the mall – he gets to make his own choices, and his decision to crossdress doesn’t impact me much unless he starts going into the wrong dressing room or something similar. Then we have a problem.
Question 2 – Reframing “duty” sex
I struggle with getting it right with initiation. If I initiate and my wife doesn’t feel like it she still feels obligated so she can be a “good wife.” Sometimes I just need a quick hand job to get me through a few more days until we have time and desire for some good sex. But I never know if it will be a chore or an act of kindness she wants to do for me from her perspective.
Sometimes we have done where I masturbate while my wife snuggles and touches me to get me excited, and that works pretty well and is normally a fast way to do it. That sometimes is not an acceptable solution if she is in the “good wife” obligation mood. I think since her role is less active in that case?
If I ask and it turns into chore night, then the negative energy kind of makes it harder for me to ejaculate, so it takes my wife longer to finish me and therefore makes her hand more tired and she feels more chored. I feel bad for her, then I do not want her hand to hurt, and I don’t want her just to feel like I am another chore she has to do.
I feel like we should be able to have a conversation and see if it’s a good time for my wife to release me, but if she is in a chore mood, she’ll not have that because she can’t sleep well then if she knows I need it. This isn’t the way every time—sometimes we can talk about it, and it’s not a big deal to choose not to do it then…but I never know which mood she will be in.
So, for now, my solution seems to be just to wait as long as I can and hope she either offers to relieve me or just ask and spin the dice to see how she will respond. What can I do to help have more constructive conversations with her about my needs without invoking “bad wife” guilt and creating negative feelings in my wife towards releasing me? Are there any ways I could improve in the ways I think about the situation?
Yes, absolutely. I have two ideas.
The first is that moods are dynamic. Nothing is stopping you from trying to get her in the mood. This is especially true for those who have spouses who experience responsive desire more than spontaneous desire – waiting for them to be in the mood is a bad plan. You have to create, inspire and draw that mood out of them. How that happens is going to be different for every couple, but instead of trying to figure out if she’s in the mood, instead, adopt an agreement together that any night you have an opportunity to try and get her in the mood together.
Some nights will work, some won’t. But it’s a lot better than waiting for it to happen on its own.
The second thought is that you’re rejecting her expression of love. That “duty,” “obligation,” or “good wife” attitude that you’re being negative about is her trying to show you she loves you and that she’s dedicated to helping you feel good, regardless of how she feels. It’s a selfless expression of unconditional love, and you’re saying, “Well, it’s not good enough because I want you to do it for selfish reasons (because you’re in the mood).”
And I get it – it’s a lot more fun to play with a spouse who is really aroused – but if you continue down this path, I’m willing to bet that one day you’ll be asking another anonymous question that starts with “My wife never wants to have sex anymore.”
Instead, accept the gift for what it is, and be sure to show a lot of gratitude for what she’s willing to do because there are a ton of men reading this who would love to have that problem because their wife only has sex when she’s in the mood (as in the next question). In many cases, that’s rare, so, they’re starving while you complain about the snacks between meals.
Lastly, if her hand gets tired – take over for her to achieve orgasm. She’ll still be there, still part of the experience. Just because you start with her giving you a handjob doesn’t mean you have to end that way.
Question 3 – Wife gets sex when she wants, but he doesn’t
Sex is a chore to my wife. Sometimes she wants it, then she gets it, of course. The rest of the time, she blames me for being needy and being a bother. What can I do? There is a temptation to deny my wife sometimes when she wants it to show her what it feels like to want it and not get it. Of course, that is wrong…
Yes, that would be wrong. It’s manipulative instead of having an adult conversation.
Instead, I’d sit her down and say, “I want to believe you love me, but I’m struggling to understand how it is that you think it’s okay to reject me for sex so often while you get it whenever you want. How do I reconcile those two things?”
Then see what she says. If she continues to blame you for being needy and a bother, I’d ask where she gets her standard of how much is too much. If it’s based on what she wants, well, why does she get to set the standard and how does that line up with biblical principles?
There’s a good chance she will blow up and get mad at you. If that happens, you should stay calm and say, “I’d like to have a conversation about this, not a fight, because I’m struggling. It makes me feel used and unloved.” If she continues to dismiss it or yell, say, “Look, when you’re ready to talk about it, I’m willing to, but I’m not interested in being yelled at.” Then get up and walk away. Give it a few days, then bring it up again.
If that doesn’t work, I’d involve a third party, a coach, counsellor, another couple, or whatever.
Question 4 – Afraid to have more children
Hi Jay,
I previously wrote in about a bed rest and sexless pregnancy due to medical complications (maybe Question 10 of this post?). By God’s grace, our baby was born at full term. Sadly this year has been incredibly difficult with healing from a difficult birth, a very colicky baby for over six months, many feeding complications (cannot take solids), little to no sleep, multiple baby allergens, and constant breast pumping that takes 9-10.5 hours a day. A medical team has been following us and trying to help when possible, but there haven’t been many solutions presented. With all of this, I feel a bit fearful of another pregnancy. But I have such a gut feeling that we should get pregnant again and have more children. We have prayed about it, but neither of us is in a good place thinking about more children because we are still in the thick of it. Do you have any suggestions for wrestling with that fear? I have spoken online with a therapist about it but haven’t been able to get over this fear. It has been a very hard journey into parenthood. Thanks
We didn’t have difficult births, sick babies, allergies to deal with or anything like that, and that baby phase was hard enough. I cannot imagine what that must be like. Why not take a break from thinking about another baby? I don’t know what this “gut feeling” of yours is about having another baby. I cannot judge whether it’s from God or a crazy idea.
But I do see in the Bible that if God wants you to do something, He won’t leave you alone. It won’t be a vague gut feeling for long; it will be in your face. Jonah is the most obvious example, but there are many others – Noah, Moses, Gideon, Samuel, Jeremiah, and Paul. I’m sure there are more. I’m not sure I can think of one example where God gives a vague feeling, and if they don’t listen, He never follows up.
So, I say there’s nothing wrong with just trying to get through this phrase, and if God smacks you in the head and says, “Hey! What are you doing?!” then listen, of course. But all this anxiety over a gut feeling – that’s not going to help anything.
And that’s it for today. Again, remember to complete the survey if you still need to. If you’re tired of hearing me remind you, get more people to fill it out.
If you have a question of your own you’d like to have answered, you can visit our anonymous Have A Question page and submit it there. Some people have been submitting the question anonymously lately, then joining the forum for a month so they can see the discussion. You’re more than welcome to do so. Some stick around, and some leave after the month. We’re okay with either.