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SWM 079 – September 2021 Questions – Guarding fantasies, low libido, not wanting sex, pain during sex and more

Anonymous questions from September 2021
Topics Include:
Wanting your wife to have sex with other men
How to handle a spouse who doesn't want to have sex
What is healthy sexuality for single people?
Does God intend for you to be a virgin if you don't get married?
Dealing with the loss of a wife
Can men continue to have sex after orgasm?
Should you do Our Sexploration List while aroused or not?
Pain during sex
and more!

It’s time to do another question and answer post from our anonymous Have A Question page.  I don’t know what happened in September, but we got a ton of questions, so this is going to be a long one.  Maybe I should have split it up, but for now, here are the 20 questions we received in September.

Before I get to that though, I want to let you know that we’ve released our Intimacy Advent Calendar for the Christmas season again.  For those who don’t know what that is – it’s basically an advent calendar like you used to get as a kid, but instead of chocolate, it’s romantic and sexy activities.  We’re also giving it away free to all our new $5+ monthly supporters who join in October and November, so if you’ve been considering supporting our ministry or joining our supporters’ forum, now is a good time to do so.

Lastly, if you aren’t interested in supporting us, and don’t want to buy the Intimacy Advent Calendar, but are curious about what’s in it – follow us on Instagram, because we’ll be posting a card every day from Dec 1st to 24th for those who want to play along at home at no cost.  You won’t get to pick which cards best suit you or your marriage, but you’ll at least get a taste of what the calendar is like and get to join in the fun.

Now, on to the questions.

Question 1

Why do I want to watch my wife suck a big black penis?

My guess would be you’re watching a lot of porn.  Stop, now, before it goes any further.  As it stands, it will likely take you years to try and rewire it so that you aren’t faced with this temptation.  If you need help quitting, I highly recommend Covenant Eyes, it not only blocks certain sites, but also takes periodic screenshots and sends them to your accountability partner, so even if you manage to find a site that’s not blocked (like YouTube) with sexual content on it (they’re keener on censoring political views these days than sexual content), your accountability partner will still be made aware and can follow up with you.

Question 2

Is it normal to want to suck my wife’s clit while she getting laid?

That would be engaging in adultery, so whether it’s normal or not, it’s not good. This question came in minutes after the last one.  My guess is it’s the same person.  Either way, I think it’s likely still due to porn use, and I offer the same recommendation.

Question 3

My wife and I are in our late 60s.  Hubby is fit but wife has chronic pain and takes meds for it.  Wife’s chronic pain started in 1995 and we had a regular sex life until 2002, then it stopped.  No sex for us since 2002.  Hubby has tried to discuss the lack of sex life since but hubby stopped in about 2015 due to wife constantly refusing to talk about this subject and her becoming angry when I mention it.  Have read “Come as You Are” and “the 5 love Languages” to try to change my behaviour and to try to understand wife’s side of the story.  Also, reading Scriptures that deal with marriage (Eph 4:2&3; 5:25, Song of Songs etc) going right back to God’s original plan in Gen 1,2,&3, and any Scripture I can find to change my behaviour.  I’m sure there is much room for improvement on my part.  However, despite praying every day for my wife for all sorts of her needs, she remains unmovable in her refusal to engage in any intimate activities; even kissing or hugging unless I start it and then it lasts for only a few seconds before she breaks off.  It may be unconnected but I suspect she had an emotional affair about 5 years ago with a chap she met at a class she attended (she went out to a pub for a drink with him once) but he became distant after that and she was hurt.  I know wife too well!  Also, I know she watches some TV shows that features nudity that I don’t like to watch (and don’t) so I know there is some sexual/sensual arousal there.  Am I to be a celibate husband for the rest of my life or is there some chance we can both have a close intimate marriage?  She refuses to attend counselling sessions.  Any thoughts about this will be welcomed.  I love my wife very much and refuse to leave her.  Regards Steve.

My guess would be that there is something else going on.  Let’s look at the timeline again.

In 1995 she started having chronic pain, but you still had a regular sex life.
Then in 2002, the sex life stopped.
In 2015 you stopped initiating sex.
In 2016 (ish) she had an emotional affair.

So, I guess I’d be very curious about what happened in 2002.  I’d also be interested in what she’d say if you flat out asked her if she intended to never have sex again.

Lastly, I’d say counseling is probably in order.  Set an appointment with a licensed Christian counselor (not a pastor, unless he has specific and extensive training in counselling, not just a single class in seminary). Set it some time far enough in the future that she could schedule it in (most people don’t have much on their calendars 3 weeks from now for example), let her know the time and place and that you’ll be going, and you’d love it if she would join you.  If she doesn’t, that’s okay, just let her know you’re going to get support for yourself because you’re struggling with the dynamic of the marriage and you want to get some help for how to handle your end of it.

Hopefully, she joins you, but if not, at least you’ll get help.

Question 4

Jay,

Is there a way that I can get my wife of 42 years to want sex? not more sex, just sex period? I am trying to encourage her to see an endocrinologist and possibly make a hormone adjustment. She is almost there, but if she does not go, I am [stuck] with masturbation and occasional porn which I do not want either. There is zero libido on her side. there are flames and hot times on my side.

She is 65, I am 75.

I have not had an out-of-marriage sex experience but the temptation is STRONG.  It has been like this for 15 years plus.

I am struggling

Thanks

I wish people wouldn’t wait 15 years to get help.  Yes, I think getting hormone levels checked is a good idea, but my guess would be there’s likely a psychological aspect to it.  

In this case, as least she’s willing to talk about it seems.  So, I’d check out the free ebook Where did my sex drive go? – read it together and discuss it, see if anything rings a bell.

Lastly, about porn and masturbation – you are still responsible for your own actions, regardless of what your wife does, so don’t pin that on her.  Sex is not a requirement for survival, it may hurt and it may feel lonely, but you won’t die from a lack of sex.  It would be nice if she could help you with the temptation, but if she doesn’t, you still have to make your own choices.

Question 5

How do you feel about works by Cameron Staley and Jennifer Finlayson Fife?

I’ve never heard of them, so I have no feelings about their work.  

Question 6

What does healthy sexuality look like for unmarried people? What kinds of sexual expression are unmarried people allowed to do? If sexuality was intended only for marriage then why does the sexual nature exist completely independent of marriage? 

Now, I have a feeling I know where this question came from as we’ve been having a long, protracted (and ultimately circular) discussion/debate/argument about this topic for months over comments which I’m frankly no longer entertaining because it’s going nowhere.  

So, to re-iterate my oft-stated and very simple position: You should only have sex with your spouse.

Now, this individual, assuming it’s who I think it is, generally conflates sexuality / expression with sexual behaviour / activities, which makes the conversation very confusing.

So, I will try to be clear here.  I think everyone has sexual expression and behaviours.  Boys generally act differently than girls.  Women generally act differently than men.  They have different styles of dress, relationships, interactions, desires. They often have different manners of speech, non-verbal communication, focus on life goals, interests in careers and on and on and on.  

Men and women are different (on average, in general).  That is sexual expression and behaviour.  And they can do all those things to their heart’s content because while it’s related to sexual activity, it is not sexual activity.

Sexual activity should be reserved for (as stated above) your spouse and only your spouse.  

So, if sexuality was intended only for marriage, then why does the sexual nature exist completely independent of marriage?  

Because you’re human and that’s how the species was created – to allow for the potential of sexual activity within marriage.  It doesn’t guarantee you will exercise that potential in the same way that it doesn’t force you to exercise that potential.  But, should you desire to, then it’s there to drive you to become the sort of person that someone else would also want to exercise that potential with.

It’s like if you buy a vehicle with a tow hitch – you don’t have to use it, but you could.  If it wasn’t here, then you’d have no choices, but because it’s there, you have options.  Now, you still have to find something to tow, the hitch doesn’t come with a trailer, but if you happened to get a trailer, then you could tow it.

And I know that’s not a perfect metaphor (I’m saying this to head off the inevitable argument that it’s not perfect, which has happened often in our past exchanges) – it’s not intended to be, it’s merely illustrating a point.

Question 7

What about sex in old age? Is it a sin to have unmarried sex after 50 if you don’t have a spouse, or never had a spouse? Is a 50 year old virgin what God intends?

I think this is a question from the same person as above.  So, back to the rule:

Sexual activity should be reserved for your spouse and only your spouse.

Can you have sex in old age?  

You can have sex with your spouse.

Is it a sin to have unmarried sex after 50 if you don’t have a spouse or never had a spouse?  

You can have sex with your spouse – no spouse, no sex.

Is a 50-year-old virgin what God intends? 

Now, this is a difficult question to answer.  For one, we don’t know exactly what God intends.  Secondly, do you mean His desire for what would happen in a sinless world?  Or do you mean his permissive desire for what He allows in a  sinful world?  We don’t have any reference point for the first case – we’ll see when we get to heaven.  We have some clues that sex may not exist, so it seems plausible at least, maybe even likely.  It happens in our world, so clearly the second case is a yes.   So, I guess if I had to pick yes or no, I’d say that yes, the potential of a 50-year-old virgin seems to be what God intends.  

Because ultimately this life is about free will.  We can choose our behaviours and others can choose theirs.  Our ultimate goal is to accept God as Lord of our life and follow His Laws because they are Loving and Just.  And others are free not to do the same.  Which means you can do all the right things (which never happens), and still not end up with a desired result because the world is broken and sinful.

Which doesn’t mean the laws change – it just means it’s even more proof that God’s way is right and when choosing to follow God or self, we should follow God, because one day this demonstration (for lack of a better term) is going to end, and those who follow God will finally get to see what He wanted to happen – what life looks like in a creation when God’s perfect will is reality.  And those who prefer to try and alter His Laws to suit their own idea of what He should have done – well, they’ll already have experienced the outcome of that and won’t get to see what His perfect will looks like, because they wouldn’t like it anyways.

Question 8

I am a retired pastor and chaplain. My wife died two years ago. I am still full of testosterone and have never been that great in disciplining myself or others for that matter.  There seems to be little to nothing (other than your article about widows) that comes close to addressing the issue of widowed men and handling sexual drive that can almost keep you awake at night. Besides this is the loss of intimacy with anyone. I feel I am becoming narcissistic. Since lust is considered a sin, what do Christian men call normal sex drive when addressing the issue in any way is likewise considered evil or wrong? If you are willing to guide my efforts I would like to write something on the issue that is downright useful to Christian men who are single again but definitely not sex-less.

You’re absolutely right, I tend to focus on currently married people, so I don’t have a lot of resources for people outside of that stage of life.  Largely because I have less experience directly or indirectly through talking to others.  I have spent a lot of time reading books, blogs, listening to podcasts, talking to people and testing out things regarding marriage because – well, that’s where I’m at.  Then I try to synthesize it into principles for others to help them.

So, around the edges, I can offer some help with those principles, what is right and wrong, and the why’s of that, but the specifics of the “how” I’m fuzzy on because I’ve not been there yet.

For example, I can say that Biblically the answer is that if you still have a sex drive, you should find a spouse.  However, I’m also aware that that advice might come off as callous and impractical by many.  I believe for myself that I would make a terrible single person – I love to love my wife, and I would probably be looking for someone to love like that again.  If I were to die first, I would definitely want someone to care for her as I did, or even better.  I believe she would want the same for me.  

But that’s my “in theory” belief.  I have no idea how grief would affect that as I’ve never been negatively impacted by the loss of someone.  I have had people in my life die, but I’ve yet to have anyone close enough to make a significant impact on my life.  That may be because of my views on death, or it may be simply that noone close enough has died yet, I’m not sure.

And so, I highly recommend you find someone who is at your stage of life who has the desire to do all the researching, thinking, testing, talking and failing and has a passion for helping others avoid a lot of the pain they’ve been through in figuring out what doesn’t work.

Question 9

Hi,

I would like to know your opinion on OMGyes. I do not have the subscription, but I keep seeing ads for it :).  I know it basically talks about how women can feel more sexual pleasure, so for many people it would mean masturbation, but what if the information was used only as a married couple?

Second, I hope it is not too weird, but – is it very unpleasant for men to continue having intercourse after ejaculating? The reason why I am asking is that my husband has always suffered with premature ejaculation. We somehow learned to make it work, usually by him continuing after he is done until I orgasm as well. Now he says it is mostly ok for him, but sometimes I am not sure whether it is really so or he just wants me to enjoy sex so he does something that is not really pleasant.

Thanks for answering 🙂

OMGYes comes up from time to time and the short answer is I believe it’s porn wrapped in shiny paper to deceive and confuse people.  If you want to know how to have your husband please you, then practice with him.  He’s going to learn a lot more from watching you masturbate than from watching another woman.  Learn to communicate and then try things – don’t be afraid to experiment.  But watching another woman masturbate to orgasm in the hopes that he’ll pick up some new tricks seems to have a high risk to reward ratio. 

As for continuing intercourse after ejaculating – for some men they find it uncomfortable – they can get too sensitive.  For the vast majority of men though, they fairly quickly lose their erection soon after orgasm making sex difficult if not impossible.  

As well, there seems to be a set of energy that is sort of “in reserve” for when you’re having sex leading to orgasm.  As soon as the orgasm happens though, suddenly you realize just how tired you are.  So, yes, you can push through it for a bit, but you’re frankly fighting a losing battle between an erection that’s softening and energy reserves that are no longer accessible.

So, I wouldn’t say it’s not pleasant so much as it’s difficult to continue.  I think most men would love to just keep going, but sadly, most of us have a refractory period.

Question 10

Hey Jay, I have a question about your Sexploration List. Every couple of months my spouse and I go through the sexploration list together. It makes for great conversation and learning about what the other likes/dislikes.

Would you recommend if we should answer the questions when we are both sexually aroused? Some of the items on the list we would not be into being in a “normal” state of mind, however, we might be into some of those things when we are turned on.

Thanks and appreciate what you do.

I think it depends on the couple (I know, profound, right?). Specifically, it depends on your self-awareness and your comfort level with what that awareness recognizes.

So, if you experience responsive desire and your brakes are super sensitive when you’re not turned on, then going through the list aroused and not aroused are going to be radically different experiences and outcomes. That’s not a problem – unless you’re uncomfortable with who your aroused self is.

If you wake up after a night when you’re super turned on and look at your spouse and say “I can’t believe they made me do that?!”, then you should not do the list in an aroused state – frankly, you can’t handle who you are yet.

But, if you recognize that “hey, I really like this when I’m turned on, and that’s okay”, then it’s not a problem that in different contexts you’re okay with different things. But your spouse also has to be aware that “I like to be tied up when I’m super turned on” is not permission to slap a pair of handcuffs on her when she’s making dinner and have your way with her – because, it’s the wrong context for her.

Question 11

Hey JD how are you?

Quick question, how far can you go in role-playing?

A while back I husband and I tried some roleplaying. He pretended to be a teacher and I was the student. We both really enjoyed the taboo feeling of it and it made for some great sex.

Next, we both want to try me being double penetrated One being my husband the other one being a dildo. Kind of like a threesome.

Here’s the thing, both of those scenarios are wrong if we did them in real life, but is it wrong to imagine or play out these things within marriage. I could never imagine doing it in real life but isn’t that the whole purpose of role-playing?

I’m doing great, thanks for asking!

This is a question that many people are going to disagree with me on, but personally I think you’ve already gone too far.  

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. – Philippians 4:8 NKJV

Firstly, you’re intentionally focusing on something that is not “noble, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, praiseworthy”, etc.. Now, this verse doesn’t give a reason, but a recurring principle in the Bible I feel is well represented by this quote

What gets the mind gets us, and what gets us is reported in our thoughts, attitudes, words and actions. – Clarence and Dianna Schilt

I have heard so many stories from people about how they don’t know how they got into the mess they’re in.  They think it started so innocently.  It was just dirty talk.  Then it was just roleplay.  Then it was just chatting online with another couple.  Then it was just having coffee and talking about our fantasies.  Then it was just having sex in the same room.  Then it was just swinging.  

Some will say “well, that’s just a slippery slope fallacy” but it’s only a fallacy if it doesn’t happen, and it sadly does happen, all too often.

But even if it doesn’t happen, do you want to train your brain to find the idea of threesomes and inappropriate power dynamics to be arousing?  Our brains are incredibly malleable and I would hate for you to one day be caught in a situation when someone who has authority over you propositions you and your logical brain kicks the response back down to an immediately turned on part of your brain that’s operating on feelings rather than logic and you do something you later regret when you “sober up”.  

Like I said, too many sad stories in my inbox.

Or maybe that never happens.  Maybe you just continue with your marriage needing more and more intense roleplays and experiences to get aroused until one day you stop and think “what kind of person have I become that I have to think about these things to get aroused?” and then you just shut down your sex drive entirely because you can’t deal with it.  I’ve got quite a few emails like that in my inbox too where they’re desperately trying to figure out how to desire to have sex again because they’re scared that those desires will come back with it.

As I’ve said a few times today already – I think the rule of “Have sex only with your spouse” is a good one.  I think that extends to what happens in my mind as well.

Question 12

Hi Jay,

A number of months ago my husband told me that he likes to put things in his anus and this pleasures him and he can cum from just doing this alone. He had said he wanted to talk to me about it for a long time but he was worried I would think he was gay. I feel this is normal and we have incorporated this into our sex life but I’m uncomfortable with it for a different reason. My husband was sexually abused for years in his home when he was a child. I feel weird about basically performing a similar act on him now that was super traumatizing to him as a child. It’s obviously more complicated than that but I feel weird about it. He says it’s ok and it doesn’t remind him of his past trauma because he trusts me and knows the time and space we are in now. So it’s really just my feelings. I personally feel odd about it. Is there a way I can feel more comfortable with this?

I feel like this question is better suited to someone who has expertise in trauma.  However, I will say that many people who were sexually abused can still go on to have perfectly healthy sex lives.  I think if your husband is willing to open up to you about something this vulnerable because he wants to experience it within a loving relationship in the proper context, then that seems to me like it would be more healing than damaging.

Question 13

I had a baby this year which has made my libido basically 0. I still want to be intimate with my husband but it doesn’t happen often. My husband almost never initiates. I asked him about it & he said he feels like I’ll be doing it out of obligation, which I told him is not true & I feel undesired & in turn makes me not want to initiate. My husband’s libido is higher than mine for sure but not extremely high, because of some hormone imbalances he’s working on fixing currently and also possibly from a history of porn use.

When we’re in seasons like this, I can’t help but be afraid he’s looking at porn or something. It takes a toll on our marriage and how I feel and act towards him which is difficult. This pattern continues to repeat itself over the course of our 5 years of marriage which is so difficult. It was getting much better before we had our baby but it’s been a problem again since my libido is virtually none. What can I do to help break out of this cycle?

I have a few ideas.  Firstly, I’d consider scheduling initiation, if not sex.  Perhaps he takes the first three days of the week and you take the last three, and leave Wednesday as a bonus.  So, for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, his goal is to initiate sex at least once.  He can try for Sunday, but if something happens, then Monday.  If Monday doesn’t happen, then Tuesday at the latest.  You do the same on Thursday, Friday, Saturday.  

On Wednesday, it’s open – if either of you want sex, then initiate.  

Secondly, I think we need to get out of this idea that you can only have sex or initiate sex when you want it.  Many wives with young kids experience mostly responsive sex drives.  My guess is you enjoy sex when it happens, but you just never think of it unless you’re in the middle of it.  That doesn’t mean you have no sex drive, that just means you have a responsive sex drive.

So, try changing your viewpoint from “do I want sex” to “am I willing to be aroused”.  Then, see if you can be.  Figure out what turns you on, then initiate that.  Ask for massages, or for him to brush your hair, or dance, read a book together or “Netflix and chill”.  Whatever works for you.  Frankly, for some women, it’s literally just “how about we start having sex, and I can probably get turned on in a couple of minutes”. I know that’s heresy to say these days, but it’s a reality for a lot of couples.

And lastly – just start initiating, not because you want sex, but because you love your husband.  Especially if you’re the responsive desire type, you can do it as a way to bless him, plus you’re likely to get in the mood as well, so it’s a win-win.  

In short, break the cycle by changing things up.  Stop waiting for sex to happen, and start making it happen. A lot of women also start to want sex the more often they have sex, so start having more sex and see if it increases your desire a bit.

Question 14

I am 33 years old and I have been with my husband (married for 3 years) for over 15 years now. Our relationship has always been on the emotional side is sex in my culture is not accepted before marriage. We don’t even talk about it. Even after, we tried only a couple of times and its very very painful for me and not fun at all. I am not sure if its just in my mind or if there is something physically wrong with me. I am usually very bad at explaining any of my physical problems. I really feel bad for my husband but he is super faithful and never asks for it. I know he deserves so so much more.   

Now we are planning to have kids and there will be tries, I want to make it perfect for both of us and a happy experience. I am illiterate in this scenario (no porn, no masturbation, no toys, I don’t even know the movements honestly). I don’t even know who should I consult.

Ok, so this is fairly common, and I have a whole post on pain during sex that you should check out.  It explains some of the reasons women experience pain and a bunch of potential solutions to explore.

Question 15

My wife doesn’t like to be intimate with me, she always says next time but that time never comes. I tried to discuss it with her but it always ends with a fight. How can this be solved?  I sometimes think of getting myself a mistress.

Regards

I think if you get yourself a mistress, there’s a good chance that she’ll never have sex with you again.  In cases like this, it’s hard to know the next step without knowing what the fight is like.  But you’re likely somewhere between a few of the questions I already answered above, so go back, check them out and decide which one suits your marriage better and try that.

Question 16

I am curious about how many men are turned off by their wives having prolapses. I imagine many women have to have them, especially if they have kids, so how does this affect their spouse’s attraction to them?

Some background, I got prolapses through pregnancy and possibly labor with my first child, and my husband feels bad about what my body went through, but admits that the prolapses (slight rectocele and cystocele) weird him out. I get that, because when I found out, I was weirded out. However, I know a lot of info shows things bothering the wife that the husband just doesn’t care about. I wonder if he feels this way due to his porn addiction (though hasn’t viewed it for years that I know of) and seeing perfect bodies for so many years. However, he’s also never been one to want to give oral (though he has many times in the past due to his desire to love and serve me) or even want to receive oral until the last year or so when I started doing it to him more and he’s started enjoying it more. I find it odd because I’m sure the porn he viewed had a lot of that going on, but it was never something he was interested in, until recently he enjoys being on the receiving end. Even though he enjoys it now, he has never allowed oral to go on long enough for him to orgasm in my mouth as he finds that super strange.

I would like to add that in our almost decade of marriage that I have only asked him for oral once or twice that I can think of, every other time he offered it up on his own, with most of the time me refusing due to feeling self-conscious. Since the pregnancy and birth of my first child (which was over three years ago), he’s offered maybe once and I can tell it’s really not something he enjoys, so despite liking receiving oral, I tend to say no out of consideration to him. However, I’m thinking he doesn’t even try anymore due to the prolapses.

I’m used to hearing on here that things bother the wife but the husband doesn’t care and loves his wife’s body and doing these things with her despite it, so I’m just curious about how prolapses in particular affect most men in the bedroom. Is this common, or is my husband just different in this aspect as he has been with oral?

I’m actually a bit surprised that no one has ever brought up the issue of prolapses before.  I searched my inbox and nope – no mention of prolapses.  We never experienced these issues with either of our 4 natural births (one was a c-section).  We have one supporter in our forum whose wife experienced this.  And I thought his answer was a good one.

My wife has a prolapse from our last child. It’s not something that is an issue for me, except that I need to be careful, and there are certain sexual positions that just don’t work like they used to or are just not possible.

I’m much more concerned about her, and how she feels about it, and how she’ll feel longer term, both physically and psychologically.

If we can engage in honest open discussion about it, how to minimize the effect on her body for her sake, and she can trust me enough to be honest about her feelings – well – that’s kind of a big deal to me. That kind of trust & intimacy is something we’re still learning about.

Unsurprisingly, it seems communication is a big factor here, as it so often is, but in the question, it doesn’t seem like you two talk about this stuff much.  There’s a lot of mindreading going on (never a good thing) rather than simply going to the source.

So, maybe he is freaked out about the prolapse.  Maybe he thinks you are uncomfortable with it.  Maybe he just doesn’t like oral sex much.  Maybe there’s something else going on entirely.  All of those are possible and you won’t know by asking people on the internet – the best way to find out is to ask your husband.

Also, I want to point out that if you’ve had a prolapse, you might want to seek some medical advice.  The wife of another one of our supporters had issues with a prolapse in the past and it was fixed with surgery.  Seeing a pelvic floor specialist might be another way to go, depending on the type and severity of the prolapse.  

Question 17

When do you have sex when you got married? Right after the wedding or is the first thing to talk about it? I Need Advice

I think that’s something you should definitely talk about before the wedding.  Some people like to have sex between the ceremony and the reception.  I think most wait for the wedding night (if they waited at all that is).  Quite a few don’t manage to have sex on the wedding night (too tired, stressed, drunk, sick, whatever).

In all honesty, I think we make a mess of weddings.  You have a full day-long event (ceremony, party, etc.) that’s very emotional, has a lot of stress and is generally exhausting, then, if you’ve waited as you should, you’re expected to have amazing sex for the first time while exhausted.  Then, you fall asleep in a bed together, often again for the first time, which is not easy for everyone so that you start your honeymoon off exhausted and possibly disappointed in this sex thing that you’ve been waiting so long for.

Who thought this was a good idea?

I think we set people up for failure.  I’m not sure I have a solution off the top of my head, but, I think at least talking about it beforehand, sharing your expectations and discussing contingency plans is a good idea.  Start your marriage off right – with communication.

Question 18

My wife and I are planning a romantic getaway in a few months, and we both hope there is plenty of sex to be had.  But as we are both approaching a half-century in age, there is a concern that our bodies won’t keep up with our desires.  Related to that, I have a few questions that may not have the answers we’re hoping for in the real world, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

1.  When I was young, I could easily have sex every day.  But now, it starts to get challenging to get the engines started on the third day, and even harder on the fourth.  We don’t even try on the third day anymore and, to be honest, with teenagers in the house and everything that goes along with that, we would rarely both be in the mood three days in a row.  But with a five-night resort stay booked, five times in five days would, I hope, be the minimum.  Any tips for building up some stamina?

2.  Similarly, but less age-related as this has always been the case, my wife finds it much harder to orgasm without a day or two off.  In fact, it’s somewhat proportional – the longer the break, the easier it is for her to get there, she can have more of them, and they are more powerful.   Because of the effort involved, she is content to not orgasm every time we have sex.  But, of course, I enjoy sex that much more when she does.  Naturally, it would be unrealistic of me to think she will orgasm every single time we have sex during this getaway, but thought I would ask if you know any tips on reducing the amount of time for her body to be ready for orgasmic sex. 

3.  We tried to time this trip with her cycle so she won’t be on her period.  She’s been pre-menopausal for a couple of years now and recently has been really regular.  Until now, that is.  She’s a couple of weeks late.  That might be a good thing if they stop altogether, but we’re probably not at that point.  Probably just at the point where it gets irregular.  If she ends up on her period during this trip, it wouldn’t be a disaster.  We like to do more than just have sex and it wouldn’t stop all sexual activity.  But it would definitely put a damper on things.  We’re not at a point in our lives where we have the time and money to do this type of trip every year, so it’s not like “we’ll just have extra sex next time”.  The next romantic getaway might be 3-5 years away.  All that to say – know of any ways to prevent a period from starting at an inopportune time?  (This might be the most unrealistic question of the three.)

Thank you!

Alright, so there are three approaches to building up stamina:

  1. Build up stamina – that is actually have more sex so your body is used to it.  This may or may not work based on your general health and a bunch of other variables that are too complicated to predict success.
  2. Change the expectation – many couples as they get older stop trying to have orgasms every time they have sex.  For the men in particular, no orgasm means no ejaculation, which means no refractory period, which means you can get an erection again easier. If your wife struggles to orgasm multiple days in a row, then this may work for her as well.  
  3. Take supplements – I mean, the obvious ones are Viagra and Cialis, but there are also a lot of natural supplements.  Moringa seeds, Maca, L-Arginine, Red Ginseng tend to top most of the lists, particularly for men.  For women, Ashwagandha tends to be often recommended.  There are also essential oils you can take, but I know less about those.  Maybe one of our followers who is into essential oils can make some recommendations in the comments section.

And lastly, a way to circumvent periods.  That’s a trickier one for sure.  Honestly, I know more ways to get one to start at the wrong time or extend it…

The one trick I’ve heard, which we’ve never tried, is to take red raspberry leaf tea.  It’s supposed to shorten a period that’s already started.  

Question 19

Anonymous questions from September 2021
Topics Include:
Wanting your wife to have sex with other men
How to handle a spouse who doesn't want to have sex
What is healthy sexuality for single people?
Does God intend for you to be a virgin if you don't get married?
Dealing with the loss of a wife
Can men continue to have sex after orgasm?
Should you do Our Sexploration List while aroused or not?
Pain during sex
and more!

Is it wrong that my wife wants to relive how, at 15, she has sex with men that were 15 years older than she was, but she lied because she loved sex with older men? Her teen sex stories turn me right on.

This is along the same lines as the ”how far can you go with roleplay” question I think.  You’re getting aroused by a 15-year-old being legally raped as she’s below the age of consent in the US and Canada and many other countries.

I think activities like that should be looked at with lament, not arousal.  We should reflect on our sinful choices in the past as “I wish I had known better” rather than “I wish I could do that again”.

Question 20

Wondering your thoughts, is looking at topless or nude photos basically the same as watching porn?

I have gone through my husband’s phone and see that he goes to these sites.  I have in the past confronted him about it but he denies it. He is a man of faith and I feel like he knows it’s wrong. I have told him how I feel about that but how do I approach him about it.   I get angry when I find out but I keep it inside and wonder why he does it when we have a VERY healthy and active sex life.  What should I do?  I wanted him to figure out on his own(maybe with a God nudge) that what he is doing is wrong but I think as time goes by, things will just get worse?

It depends on what you mean by “basically the same”.  

Porn certainly has more of an impact on the brain, so in that way, porn is far more devastating from a physiological/psychological impact on your husband.

However, both show a pre-existing problem with the heart – he’s focusing on other women.  In that way, it’s as adulterous as porn or an affair.

As for how to handle it – I’d say honestly.  I know it makes you angry, but going to someone while exhibiting angry behaviours generally doesn’t end up with a productive outcome.  Instead, maybe write him a letter if you can’t have a civil conversation.  

Tell him that you’re hurt by his choices and that it makes you angry.  Tell him that you’re afraid of what it means is going on in his heart.  Tell him it makes you feel insecure, both about your body and about your relationship.  Tell him that you like your current, active sex life and you’re worried that his continued looking at other women will damage the relationship and you’re worried you’ll see your interest in sex with him waning and how that may lead to a lack of interest in being with him at all.  Tell him you understand that it may be a strong draw to look at other women and that you’d like to help him.

A message like that shows compassion, but also vulnerability while still laying out “this is where this behaviour leads – to destruction” as with all sin.  It’s not an ultimatum, it’s showing him the natural consequences of his actions.  


And that’s it for September’s questions.  If you have a question of your own, check out our anonymous Have A Question page.  As always, thank you to our amazing supporters for assisting in discussing the questions as they come in and just for being so supportive in general.  If you’d like to see the questions as they come in instead of waiting for the monthly post, check out our supporter’s page.

Lastly, if you’re listening to the podcast, we’d really appreciate a review as they help other couples find the help they need in their marriage.  

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6 thoughts on “SWM 079 – September 2021 Questions – Guarding fantasies, low libido, not wanting sex, pain during sex and more”

  1. Jack Grohs says:

    question 4 . My wife stopped wanting sex while I was still “needy”. She understood my need and agreed to help me manually . When she did I tried for more . She had me agree to My hands bound behind my back . Because I tried to direct her as to how to manipulate me she had me agree to a gag and blindfold. I realized how helpless I was which made me extremely hard . She noticed and she began trying various methods of teasing to cause my ejaculations . Bound and Helpless to her whims she began to enjoy these sessions . She went on the computer and found new ideas for me . I was extremely excited with each new method . She said that I must enjoy being helplessly used to ejaculate and the computer advise said that by my reactions allowing her lady friends to watch me being used would make me humiliated but submissively satisfied . I was still bound when she suggested to me . I tried to deny it but MY HUGE ERECTION ( having already ejaculated) from the thought betrayed me. It has not happened but she continues to tease me with the suggestion .

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Well, that changes things quite a bit, doesn’t it?
      I mean, there’s a lot in here. For one, it seems like your wife enjoys power exchange which may be a hint to why she stopped wanting sex in the first place – maybe it was too much pressure to perform, but with this dynamic she feels she doesn’t have to.
      However, it’s clearly gone too far. Her fantasies have gone from simply enjoying the power exchange to enjoying humiliating and degrading you, and that’s not healthy. Doesn’t matter if you got physically or even mentally aroused by the idea, that doesn’t make it right. Erections aren’t the arbiters of what is right and wrong. I would put a stop to those types of suggestions and have a conversation about what you want your marriage to look like (idealy without other people in it I’d say).

  2. M says:

    Would love to see you recommending the books “Unwanted” and “The Great Sex Rescue” as a resource for healing for many of the above issues/questions as they have been some of the most hope filled, biblically sound, LIFE giving books on the topics of sexuality that my husband and I (who both grew up in purity culture & with hidden porn/masturbation/shame issues) have ever encountered.

    As for oils for arousal, the single oils of Idaho blue spruce and goldenrod are both good for men – dilute in coconut oil and apply directly. Cypress oil on the thighs of both men and women can increase blood flow and that means a lot!! The blends “joy” and “sensation” by Young Living can be diluted and applied topically for women also. We have personally tried all of these (& more) tips found in a book called “Lucy Libido” all about oils in the bedroom and we were pleasantly surprised.

    As far as supplements, I would also add for both men and women to use things that boost nitric oxide because that inherently affects blood flow and can be a big factor in orgasms & stamina.

    As far as the period thing, there are many natural ways that you can have intimacy during a period whether using an internal cup of sorts to contain the mess or just cleaning up afterwards, etc. Personally, my sex drive is usually pretty high on my cycle and exercise of any kind is recommended as it actually helps with cramps – but I know not everyone may feel that way!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I haven’t read either yet, though I have a lot of reservations about The Great Sex Rescue given the author’s behaviours and stances recently.
      Thanks for the rest of the info.

      1. C says:

        Can you elaborate on the concerns you have?

  3. M says:

    For the woman struggling with prolapse, as well as communication – I would also recommend looking into working on healing it if possible. I know my sister has used an at home program called the Bloom method and felt like it was very helpful. Best of luck to you!

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