SWM 065 – Nov 2020 Questions – High sex drives, losing erections, being too loud, vaginismus and more

Topics Include managing a high sex drive, losing erections while changing positions, being too loud during sex, husband thinks his wife is sexually boring, vaginismus, how do you surrender and give God control in your life?

Today we have another installment of our questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  We’re going to talk about managing a high sex drive, losing erections while changing positions, being too loud during sex, a husband who thinks his wife is sexually boring, vaginismus, and then finish off with how do you surrender and give God control in your life? Didn’t expect that last one did, you?

So, let’s tackle these questions before the New Year ends.

Question 1

Looking for help in managing my own high sex drive.

My wife, who is definitely on the responsive side is awesome. We have sex two to three times a week and she’s usually down for trying some more adventurous things on a semi-regular basis.

Even still, I find myself regularly distracted (even from work) with sexual thoughts about her and fantasies of things I’d like for us to try or do. On one hand, I’m getting sex more than most people out there, I want to be grateful for the good thing I’ve got. And with both of us working and with smaller kids, that amount is a miracle all things considered.

What can I do to manage such a high sex drive? I work out fairly regularly so I’m not sure what else there is. We’ve talked about having a “free” card for masturbation 1-2x/w but neither of us really felt that was the right thing to do.

Any insight?

In our lives, we have a lot of good, and healthy impulses.  We get thirsty, we get hungry, we get tired.  The problem is when we want more than our needs, to an unhealthy amount.  Eating too much will make you fat.  Sleeping too much will make you lazy.  Even drinking too much water can lead to intoxication due to the electrolytes being too depleted.

The point is, wanting sex is a healthy desire.  Desiring more sex than is appropriate is not.

So, like everything else, have options on how to deal with desires that cause you to overindulge.

You can exercise willpower.  You can create rules.  You can give it up to God.  Different people find different methods work better than others. I don’t know which works for you.

Another option mentioned in our supporter’s group was to focus more on your wife’s needs than your own.  Not in order to get more sex, but as a way of shifting the focus in your life from one of meeting your own desires, to one of service to your spouse.

Question 2

Hey Jay, my husband and I want to try new positions but every time we try to do something new he loses his erection. Do you have any advice? He keeps an erection just fine when we do missionary.

Thanks,

The newlyweds

It’s likely psychological.  It could be it happened once, and now he worries it’s going to happen again, and so it does.  Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Or it could be he has some sort of mental block against other positions.  Some people are taught that missionary position is the only “acceptable” position.  Even if you change your belief on such things, that subconsciously could be sabotaging him.

Or he could feel that it might hurt, degrade, or otherwise harm you in some way, or that you won’t enjoy it as much.

Hard to say.  There’s not a ton to go on, but my guess is it’s likely something going on in his head.  

If you want to dig into this further, I’d talk to Dr. Jessica McCleese who is a Christian Sex Therapist.

Question 3

Hi, I am a married woman and I struggle with being too loud during sex.  It has caused a couple of embarrassing situations. As much as I try to be quiet, when I orgasm I am very loud. Not screaming but very loud.  I even try putting my face in a pillow which helps muffle the sound. Any suggestions would be great. 

So, as someone in our supporter’s group said – you don’t have an issue being too loud during sex.  You have an issue being too loud in certain circumstances, particularly when it might be embarrassing.

I don’t have a lot of suggestions to be honest.  You could ensure that there is other noise to drown it out – maybe music, or a TV.  Or you could try something like a gag.  I honestly don’t know if that would work or not.

I’m afraid we didn’t have a lot of ideas.  Maybe someone can visit the blog and share a comment about it if they have some.

Question 4

Hey. My wife is absolutely boring in the sexiness department.  She’d rather wear leggings and a big shirt.  I’ve asked her to dress nicer more often, but that got me pretty much one evening every couple  of weeks.  Yes I’m being selfish because I like it when she looks her best.  Also, it translates to the bedroom.  I’ve asked her to spice things up in the bedroom, bought her lingerie and a couple of fun costumes.  Never has even tried them on even for herself to see.  I have a hard time seeing other women out and about and they are dressed nicely for their men.  It really makes me envious.  I don’t ask for much other than just look nice and not like you don’t care.  I am really feeling like she couldn’t care less about being attractive for me.  I love her to death but I’m just wanting a bit more spice and sexiness.   I’ve communicated my desires and not much changed.  I’m at the point that I have trouble keeping eyes on her and it breaks my heart.  Basically asking for some effort from her and communicating has done nothing to help.  You men who have wives that dress nicely are so dang lucky. 

As usually, there’s not a ton to go on here.  Some questions our supporters had were:

Are there kids involved?
Does she have body image issues?
Does she work outside the home?
How is the rest of the relationship?  Does she feel like her desires are being met?
How often do you dress up for her?
How often do you take her somewhere where it’s appropriate to dress up nicely?

One of our supporters also suggested checking out our Spice Jar and our Sexy Memory games.  In his experience, his wife is far more willing to do something that a card from those suggested than a suggestion from him.

For myself, I’m curious what happens if you try to talk about it.  I mean, talk about what’s not happening, and ask why – not in order to get her to do it, but so you can understand her better.  There must be a reason.  It could simply be she forgets, in which case, you can simply remind her.  It could be that she doesn’t feel comfortable, in which case, maybe you should spend more time complimenting her, or adjust your expectations.  It could be she’s not feeling very secure in the relationship because she sees you eyeing other women, and that makes her not feel safe enough to be vulnerable with you.

The point is, we don’t know.  So, I’d say a proper conversation is probably a good start.

Question 5

Hi! My husband and I have only been married for about a month and we’ve learned that I have issues with sex. I believe I have vaginismus, the involuntary tightening of pelvic floor muscles when something gets too close. This makes sex or attempts at sex incredibly painful for me. I am trying to work through it, but many resources encourage me to “self-discover” as part of the process which pretty much means masturbation to figure out what feels good to me. Is masturbation ok in this context, if it’s something I’m doing for my husband? Secondly, I think that part of the reason for this condition of mine is emotional – my husband has struggled with pornography and lustful masturbation for many years in the past and though he is improving drastically now, the emotional pain is still there for me; additionally, porn and lust are things he has lied to me about in the distant and also recent past and frankly, I don’t trust him. How can I overcome this, and what should we do in the meantime, while I am unable to have physical sex?

Yeah, vaginismus is generally considered a psychological effect.  So, most likely, something is going on in your head with regards to this.  It could be your husband’s porn use.  

As for the question of masturbation – there is nothing to say you cannot do it with your husband.  In fact, I think that’s probably a better option, because what sometimes happens is that people solve their vaginismus alone, and then as soon as their partner is in the room, it comes back.  Then they start a habit of masturbating alone and rejecting sex.  That usually doesn’t end well.

So, I’d say modify the protocol to include mutual discovery.  

I think talking to a marriage therapist about the trust issues might be in order.  If you solve that, that might also solve the vaginismus issue.

As well, I wrote a post about pain during sex a long time ago, which I’d also suggest you check out.

Lastly, check out Our Sexploration List to help you find activities you can do in the meantime while you sort out the vaginismus issue. 

Question 6

My husband and I will be married two years in December. I was a virgin when we got married, and while I enjoy sex and exploring different positions and techniques, I have yet to orgasm post-marriage. Regrettably, in a previous relationship and our relationship prior to marriage, although there was no actual sex, there was plenty of prolonged make out sessions and clothed heavy petting which led to occasional orgasms. I don’t know if it was the amount of time spent in foreplay or the excitement of the forbidden touching that led me to orgasm, but I can’t seem to reach the same level of arousal during sex with my husband now. My husband does the best he can to manually stimulate me (as I get virtually no stimulation from penetration), but I have not been able to go “over the edge”. We have tried a vibrator and oral stimulation, but it didn’t seem to work too well. I have been thinking of trying out other types of toys, but I just don’t know what else to do to help.

My guess is that this is psychological, not physical.  Yes, there may be a toy that can push the physical arousal system far enough to override it.  If there is, I would probably put my money on either the Womanizer/Sona Cruze type toy, or the Magic Wand.

Secondly, I’d be curious if you’re able to get yourself to orgasm from manual stimulation.  What if your husband sat behind you, holding you, and you stimulate yourself, with or without a toy?  The additional vulnerability might be a barrier the first few times, but there is an instantaneous feedback loop that simply cannot be matched by a partner.

Another idea is to test that prolonged foreplay idea.  Schedule out sometime when you can have a couple hours to yourself.  Set a timer for 10 minutes and tell your husband he’s only allowed to touch and massage what’s not covered with clothing.  So, neck/shoulder massage to start maybe.  Then remove one item of clothing (or both socks if you have them on).  Do another 10 minutes.  Then remove another item.  Another 10 minutes.  Let the arousal build, slowly.

Once all the clothes are off, set another timer – no direct clitoral stimulation or penetration for 10 minutes.  Then another – no penetration for 10 minutes.  

By this point, he should have been massaging, teasing, touching for over an hour.  Try the vibrator then and see how it goes.

If that doesn’t work, send me an email, and I’ll help brainstorm some other ideas. If you don’t know how to give a good massage, I’d highly suggest taking some couples massage classes online.

Question 7

Topics Include managing a high sex drive, losing erections while changing positions, being too loud during sex, husband thinks his wife is sexually boring, vaginismus, how do you surrender and give God control in your life?

What do you do if both you and your partner are depressed. And he is also co-dependent, and your mood affects his, so you try to get better for him but it’s not working. And you want your relationship to last because you love him, and he also wants it to last.

You both go and see a therapist.  I’m not one and I’m not trained to help you with this.

Question 8

How do I surrender and give God the control. I’ve been trying but it’s not working.

You know what, I’m not entirely sure myself.  People often say this, but I never see anyone give you a direct “how to” on it.  I’m not sure there is one.  

There doesn’t seem to be a “how”.  In the words of Yoda – do or do not, there is no try.  

And I think it’s because asking “how” implies some work that has to be done.  Some steps, a protocol, a deed to do.  But, then the entire point is that you can’t do it.  You have to give it up.  So, there is nothing to do.  No steps.  No special prayer, cantrip or spell.  

There is simply the choice to do it.  And you will fail, because you’re human, and we can’t even do nothing well.  But, you just choose to continue to give it up to God.  Through the good, through the bad.  When you fail, and when you let Him succeed.  You just keep going.

And if you simply do that, then when you fail, it’s okay.  Because you aren’t being judged on your merits, but Christ’s.  And if you succeed, well, that’s okay too, because it wasn’t you, it was God.

So, you stop trying to make it work, because there isn’t work to do.  The work is in doing what you then are called to do with this new surrendered life.  That’s what you’re called to do.  Not beat sin, but live the life of one who has already had it beaten for them.

But, if you want 2 steps to help:

  1. Pray
  2. Read the Bible

Every day.

They are not the work, but they will help you surrender.


That’s it for today!  As usual, if you have your own questions, you can email me at jay@uncoveringintimacy.com or submit them anonymously over at our Have A Question page.  If you like the podcast, we’d really appreciate you leaving a rating and a review by going to lovethepodcast.com/uncoveringintimacy.  It helps others find us, and you all know we Christians desperately need more discussion about marriage and intimacy in our churches.  So, please take the time to leave a review.  Also, it helps keep me going.  Those reviews give me a lot of encouragement, but they’re few and far between.  Do you know we have a 4.4 out of 5 rating from 143 people, but only 15 reviews in the last 4 years?   So, I’d love some more.

Other than that, 2020 is about over.  2021 is coming up fast.  I’ll see you in the New Year!

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8 thoughts on “SWM 065 – Nov 2020 Questions – High sex drives, losing erections, being too loud, vaginismus and more”

  1. Jeremy H. says:

    My advice to the person who wants to surrender control to God is this… I’ve been working on it for over 34 years and it’s a day to day choice. There are days that I succeed for the most part and there are days I fail in epic fashion. But I know and accept that I will never do it perfectly until the I meet my Lord and Savior. The important thing is that I continue each day from when I wake up til I go to bed to do my best to be the person God wants me to be. God didn’t ask me to be perfect before He would accept me, He only asked me to trust and put my faith in Him and His plan for my life. It is a day to day struggle for all believers to surrender control of our live to God, but we know that even when we fail He still loves us.

  2. Anneliese says:

    To the woman who has vaginismus, and trust issues. You are not alone. Though this malady –vaginismus, anyway — is rarely reported, it’s not as uncommon as doctors make it out to be. I, too, struggle with it, though mine is primary (caused by a physical malformation of the body). God willing you won’t struggle with it as long as I have. I would encourage you to do some research on the experience of having an acquired disability. Discovering you have a medical condition like vaginismus, even if it is psychologically based, can cause a person to go thorugh a kind of grief process, grieving for the person, the body, they thought they were. Acknowledging this can be a big part of learning acceptance, which is an important coping skill for any change in life but particularly for a condition as fickle and frustration as vaginismus. It’s ok to be frustrated. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to feel broken. Feeling broken doesn’t mean you are, but for a little while, it might seem like it. Acknowledge that instead of trying to soldier o pretending you feel differently. There is such a thing as toxic positivity, where one ignores the pain of life because they feel bad about not just accepting everything and going with the flow. I personally found a great deal of emotional relief when I took. half hour and wrote an extremely angry journal entry in the form of a letter to God, levying my accusations at Him for the struggle He’d given me, and all its incumbent side-struggles. He’s got broad shoulders, our God. He can take it. Let Him share your burden.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I love question 8. I think it’s the essence of being a believer, Christian, christ follower. We have to rely on Christ Jesus and the grace God gives us through him. How do we surrender? We give up and give in to Him and His spirit within us. We agree with Him.. His word. We let go of selfishness… When he reveals that we turn from it (messing up often and needing his help).

    I went from seeking a self fulfilling career to becoming a stay home mom of 6. I never would have chosen that in my former selfishness. In this life He has directed me towards, he shows me my selfishness (I still have lots of it). He shows me how much I need him and must rely on His strength every minute. I have to give him control regularly, often (bc I take it back so often.. Many times in fear and lack of faith). This life of many children is specifically for me – I don’t believe he calls everyone to it.. But he does call each of us to something. Ask Him and he will show you. Expect to need Him often.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Hey Jay, love your show.
    Re the woman in 064 doggy style,
    I wish you had suggested the husband lean over her so that his chest touches her back, or kisses her neck, etc. So many options to assist in the feeling of connection in this position.

    Happy new year!

  5. Drew says:

    Some thoughts on question 3, being too loud.My wife is also too loud during sex. My wife begins moaning really loudly and dramatically from the time I first enter her up to when we finish. The best way to describe it would be some sort of an 1980s porn movie, it is very dramatic, fake, and excessive. We did not have much sexual experience when we first met, so perhaps it just stems from the fact that she thinks that is what she needs to do during sex. It is very disconcerting actually, and I wish she would be more herself sometimes.Do not really know how to make her be less loud either.  

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Sounds like the issue isn’t so much the loudness but the inauthenticity. Am I correct?
      Have you ever had a conversation with her about it? Asked her if it’s sincere, or if she feels she has to play it up?

      1. Drew says:

        Wow, thanks Jay for a quick response. Yeah, I guess you are right. Her moaning seems fake and is very loud. I guess, the inauthenticity is worse than the loudness, I guess. I have never had a conversation with her about it. seems like a delicate subject. Not really sure how I would approach it.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          What if you asked something like “I was curious if you make the noises you do for my benefit, or do they just naturally come out?” That way you aren’t saying anything is wrong with them, just trying to understand her better.

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