SWM 066 – Dec 2020 Questions – Shaking legs, wife changed after separation, birth control and more
Well, it’s a new month, a new year, but we still have a few things to tidy up from last year. One of them is the anonymous questions we received in December from our Have A Question page. Before we get to them though, I want to let you know about a new product we have in our shop. I had a reader ask if our Truth or Dare game was available as a printable. Many years ago, I built a free web-based version of it, which you can find here. Frankly, it was just a fun project to brush up on my jQuery programming skills. Not the best interface, sometimes it breaks and I don’t realize it, and if you refresh the page, then your session is lost. That’s why it’s free.
This reader wanted to know if he could buy a printable version – one that doesn’t lose your spot when you hit the wrong button while both of you are already all worked up and ready to go. Plus, lube and laptops – not a great mix. So, I took some time and built it this December. It’s been in the shop for a couple of weeks, but I haven’t told anyone about it other than the reader who asked for it. Of course, a few more people have already found it and have been enjoying it.
If you liked our online version, or just want to try the printable one, you can grab it here. To our 59 supporters who give $5 or more a month – check your email, you get it free. If you have been thinking about joining our forum as a supporter, now is a great time as all new $5/month and more supporters get the printable Truth or Dare game free this month.
Alright, with that out of the way, let’s get on to the questions.
Question 1 – Legs shaking
What do you do next when you are sitting on his face and your legs start shaking.
(While sitting on his face, he is eating you out)
It depends on why your legs are shaking. Some people’s legs shake when they get really aroused. If that’s the case – enjoy it! If it’s because of strain on the legs, then either shift somehow that won’t cause as much strain, change positions, or change activities.
Question 2 – Wife changed after separation
Hi Jay. My wife and I were separated for a year. We did date other people during this time and lived apart. The separation came about as a result of my infidelity. We are now living together again. At the time, we had been married for 24 years. What I have observed are changes in my wife such waxing pubic hair, when previously she looked at the suggestion with disdain. She also now listens to music which a year ago she wouldn’t have. The separation came as a result of years of a very poor sexlife. I have been using viagra or cialis for a few years, thus total spontaneity is usually not possible. Yet, my wife will act as if it should be, yes, she is aware. I choose to love my wife, however, I feel that she seems to destroy me on all levels, even though she says she loves me. What am I to do?
Myself, and those in our supporters forum felt there was a lot of missing information here. For example, we’re not sure at all what causes you to feel destroyed on all levels by her. Is it because she got interested in sex during your separation? Is it because she wants sex to be spontaneous and you can’t be? Is she making condescending or humiliating remarks due to the erectile dysfunction?
So, it makes it a little hard to give any advice, because we’re not sure of the situation. We did have some ideas though.
The first would be marriage counseling. That wasn’t mentioned, but it seems you might need to work through some things.
As for the erectile dysfunction, I’m assuming you’ve been checked out for that already, but you could also try the daily doses of Cialis. They’re a smaller dose, intended to let you have sex more spontaneously.
Other than that, we don’t have a whole lot to go on.
Question 3 – Feeling drained after oral sex
Is it normal to feel more “drained” after getting a blowjob than regular sex? If not, any tricks to get the same feeling after regular sex?
I’m afraid I don’t have any statistics on this, however, anecdotally, two of our supporters (one man and one woman) felt that oral sex gives a far more intense orgasm, possibly due to enhanced arousal. I’ve heard that from others as well. So, yes, it seems to be normal, but perhaps not everyone’s experience.
Question 4 – Birth control
What books or articles would you recommend about Christian approaches to birth control? I could imagine good arguments for or against, so I would like to read how Christians handle this issue. And how did you and your wife decide what you would do/use?
The only article I know off the top of my head about birth control is the one I wrote years ago.
As for my wife and I:
My wife went on birth control pills just before we got married. They did not agree with her. However, it took us quite a number of years to realize that. She thinks it’s still the reason she has a low sex drive, even though she’s been off of them for more than a decade. It also gave her very strong mood swings. Most people don’t have the same reaction, but quite a few seem to. I’ve had enough people tell me over the years that they had the same, or similar, experience. So, I would hesitate to suggest hormonal birth control.
We tried condoms a few times. I don’t think very often. Frankly, once she went off hormonal birth control pills, we started having kids. We used the Natural Family Planning method – tracking cycles, temperatures, etc., for quite a while. Ended up having 5 kids. That might sound like a reason not to do that, but actually, we had them when we planned to. At least, the first 4. The last one, we weren’t sure if we were done or not, so we weren’t being too careful. And then he came along 5 years ago.
While my wife was pregnant, I got a vasectomy. I spent quite a while thinking about that before deciding to do it.
So, that’s our experience. I certainly wouldn’t consider myself an expert on it, nor would I necessarily suggest our path. Going back, I definitely wouldn’t have my wife on the pill again. The rest seems to have worked out alright.
Question 5 – Cock worship
Is asking for or desiring “cock worship” out of bounds in a Christian marriage
Alright, so the first problem here is the terminology of course. As soon as you say “worship” and mention something other than God, you trigger a very strong “thou shalt not” vibe. I’m going to assume you don’t mean literally worship it as a god.
So, let’s call it “extreme penis appreciation” and see where that goes.
That still leaves some concerns. If you’ve been reading or listening to us for a while, you’ll know we’re pretty relationship focused. So, then the question is, does this improve or detract from your relationship?
There is a danger of being so focused on a body part, or parts, that the owner of those parts feels objectified. That you’re more interested in a part of them than in them as a person. As I understand it, some women feel this way about the attention their breasts get – even from their husband.
Others, however, feel very confident when that much appreciation is shown to a part of them.
So, I think it depends on the person in question.
Then there’s the question of where on the spectrum we are talking about, because this topic can go anywhere from “I really like your penis” to this definition from Urban Dictionary:
the act of turning into a quivering, wet, idiot when presented with a [penis] in front of your face.
Which feels like a bit much. Likewise, their list of activities ranges from fairly tame to perhaps a bit over the edge:
This act includes: drooling, lip-smacking, kissing, fondling, stroking, touching, sucking, whining, begging with mouth feet face and hands all over the [penis].
Personally, I think appearing as a drooling idiot begging to let your feet touch their penis is a bit too far along that humiliation line that I’ve mentioned in other posts. However, much of this just sounds like an enthusiastic hand job or blow job, and I can’t see anything wrong with that.
Question 6 – Go see a doctor if you’re worried about your health
I’m a 14 year old male, and I am worried about my health and future, Last time I masturbated (I am ashamed), I saw blood in my sperm, I am wondering if it is a sin to masturbate for medical reasons, all I want to know is if my sperm is healthy, I’m ashamed if I do it but I wanna know if it is healthy and ready to make a family in the future.
Please tell me if masturbating for medical reasons is a sin, and may God bless you.
You’re not going to be able to tell if your sperm is healthy simply by masturbating. Go to a doctor if you’re concerned. Blood in your semen I think is a good reason to get checked out.
I think that’s all I’m going to say about that because you’re a minor and the laws about such things get very complicated when you have readers and listeners all over the world.
Those are all the questions I’m answering today. There are two more that came in that require a longer answer, so I’m going to be writing separate posts about them. In case you didn’t know, these responses are available as both blog posts and podcast episodes. Sometimes people don’t realize we have both a blog and a podcast. If you’re listening to this on the podcast, please consider leaving a rating and a review if you haven’t already. They help others find us and get help for their marriage. Just click here to leave a review.
I’m working on the other two questions, so they should be out soon. Stay tuned!
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
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