SWM 043 – Anonymous Questions from April 2019

Jay Dee

SWM 043 – Anonymous Questions from April 2019

May 26, 2019

Answering the anonymous questions from April 2019 from our Have A Question page.

Topics Include:

Wife looking up ex
Wife used to be a swinger
Is bondage okay?
Our sex life is boring
Wife destroying self-esteem
Is it okay to buy my wife lingerie for my birthday?
Wife teasing husband sexually
Why does my husband want to lick my ass?!
and more…

Today we’re going to be answering a bunch of reader’s questions from last month from our anonymous Have A Question page.  I’ve been doing my best to keep up with my promise of doing a podcast every month our supporters managed to hit our first support goal.  

It’s been a little difficult this month as we’ve been trying to reconfigure our lives a bit to get more exercise in.  My wife is training for an 13km Spartan obstacle course race in August and I’ve been trying to train with her to help her keep going.  It’s nice to have a shared hobby to work on, and I actually managed to run for 20 minutes the other day, without stopping, which I’m pretty proud of.

But, I have to start scheduling time for podcast recording as we’re actually closing in on the next support goal, which will mean weekly podcast episodes.  It will also mean tackling more than just reader’s questions.  If you’re interested in more frequent episodes, check our our support page at uncoveringintimacy.com/donate.  As well, our supports get to discuss the questions as they come in, and their thoughts often make it into the podcast and posts.

With that out of the way, let’s get on to the questions.

Question 1

I am wondering if I should be concerned if my wife is looking up ex boyfriends online/Facebook? One is no longer alive. I saw it on the family computer so it wasn’t hidden and I wasn’t snooping. I am not sure how to feel about it, but I don’t feel very good. Thanks

I think if you don’t feel good about it, it might be worth a discussion.  I don’t think she’s done anything wrong simply by looking someone up, but your feelings about it should probably be explored and discussed.

If you don’t discuss it, then you run the danger of continuing to wonder, worry and perhaps even suspect wrongdoing where there may be nothing.

But if you do have an open, honest and non-confrontational discussion about it, then you can share how you feel, be either reassured that there’s nothing to be worried about, or if there is some temptation there, talking about it can help head it off.  

Question 2

My wife was a swinger and had very many casual anonymous partners before we were married. She got saved and is fully forgiven of her past, but I sometimes wonder what side effects this has on our marriage that I don’t fully understand.

Unfortunately, our past sins often have repercussions beyond our conviction, repentance and forgiveness.  For some, we find that having a promiscuous past can have a negative impact on their view of sex.  

Some husbands find this to be very frustrating as they know other people have experienced a freer, uninhibited version of their wife, but by the time they got married, in correcting their view of sex their wife perhaps overcorrected a bit and now has trouble opening up to them.  Of course, this applies to the reverse gender case as well.  It’s just really hard to write that as a gender neutral sentence.

From the other side, there may be guilt or shame attached to the past, and attached to the act of sex itself, even when it’s now performed in the proper context.  This guilt or shame can manifest in a variety of ways.

For others, they embrace their forgiven nature and manage to move forward with little to no impact.  

So, in short, I can’t guess at what sort of impact this history has on your marriage, but I do think it’s wise to recognize that it’s a distinct possibility that there is an impact.  Being aware of the possibility and choosing to act in accordance with your decision to forgive and show grace on both ends can help mitigate those potentially negative effects.

Question 3

Having sex with my wife is wonderful, so wonderful that I orgasm fast. I would like to last longer. I am just above average size down there but she is small so it feels so good, “too good?” I have tried numerous things, kegel excercize, thinking about baseball (lol) and all the secular outlets say. We have sex 1-2 time a week I would love more and I think it’d help me last longer, but schedules and life dont allow for more. What is your recommendation for lasting longer. Tired of being a 3 pump chump.

 I have an entire post about premature ejaculation here.  I want to point out though, if you watch porn, that’s a common side-effect.

Question 4

My wife and I send spicy text to each other on occasion. One particular text exchange she mentioned something about me tying her up and having my way with her. No violent acts or anything. I looked in some Christian sex toy stores and none of them have anything with tying up. I know she and I aren’t into bondage but would maybe do this playfully with restraints she could get out of easily if she chose. Is this something that we should look into for fun or is this way too taboo for a Christian marriage?

Well, bondage is tying someone up, so you are talking about getting into bondage.  I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.  I have two posts on the topic:

My wife wants me to tie her up?!
Beginner Bondage Questions

Now, if you’re looking for bondage without bondage, then I suggest this post on honour bondage.

As for the stores, some of them disagree with the practice and others hide certain items so that their more … sensitive customers won’t be offended.  For example, MarriedDance.com has an under the bed restraint system which can only be found through search or if you have a direct link.  If you search for things like cuffs or rope, you might be able to find some interesting items.  You can also buy simple soft cotton rope from Amazon, which is great for bondage at a reasonable price.  

But, if you’re just looking to experiment a bit, I’d suggest simply using an old tie or scarf.  Just loop them over her wrists rather than tie them.  If you want to try actually tying them, then please learn to tie knots that don’t slip.

Question 5

I love my wife so much but our sex life is bland, boring and far between for me. How do I tell her that I want more variety and more sex in general? It isn’t a sexless marriage but we have sex about 3-4 times a month. For many that is a lot but I want more. I think she wants more also, but we work hard and are tired a lot. So when we do have sex it’s mainly about getting an orgasm and that’s it. We both orgasm just fine, but I would like better orgasms and more fun in bed. Help!!! Also, we aren’t into toys but we could definitely add some fun items for our sex time. Any suggestions to really get the juices flowing?

I’d say the first thing would be to have an honest conversation about your sexual relationship.  You say “I think she wants more also”, but you don’t know, which means you aren’t talking about it.

So, I’d simply say something like “Can we talk about our sex life?  I love everything we’re doing, and I was wondering if you’d be interested in trying some new things and possibly increasing our frequency.”

It’s not accusatory, it affirms that you like sex with her while also conveying you’re up for more, but you’d like to know what she thinks.

If she answers positively, then there are lots of ideas.  You can check out The Spice Jar on our site to help shake things up.  It’s pretty light and easy going and plays out like a game.  

Alternatively, if you want something a bit more serious but that will definitely get you to talk about sex and figure out what you both are open to exploring, I’d check out Our Sexploration List.  If you go through those worksheets, you should come out of it with a list of things you can try that you aren’t currently doing to “get the juices flowing”.

Question 6

My wife and I have been married for a few years and just recently I’ve realized that she has destroyed my self esteem and confidence. She routinely says things to me in a joking way but really hurt my feelings. She also has said that she doesn’t really need to have sex, that she could go along time without it. She sleeps with a pillow between us saying she doesn’t know what to do with it. We still have sex but it’s just not all that great. It feels like she just wants me to finish so she can go about her day or go to sleep. I’m at the point that I don’t even want to try to initiate because it feels like she doesn’t want to be in that moment anyway and I need her to want to be there with me. She has also many times told me that she can’t wait to have sex or give me oral but never follows through With it. Because of this I’ve recently have had fantasies of fictional women, just wanting me as I am, not even sexual fantasies. I’m feeling used, and worthless. I don’t understand why she would tease me with sex and not want to have sex. I keep clean, in ok shape and I don’t complain much. I just don’t understand.

I have two separate thoughts here.

The first is that self-esteem is determined by no one but yourself.  Now, there are a lot of outside factors that can sway it, but ultimately it’s up to you to either let those influences in or not.  Powerful people choose for themselves what they think of themselves.  Powerless people let others determine what you yourself believe.  This entire question screams “powerless”.

I don’t want to sound uncompassionate.  I understand the struggle and how hard it is not to let others influence your thoughts.  Most of us are raised as powerless people.  But at some point, it’s time to wake up and grow up.  I’m hoping this is enough of a kick in the pants to get you started.

I’d recommend the book Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk to learn more about this concept.

Another thing powerful people do is address conflict in their lives head-on and set clear, healthy boundaries to protect themselves.  

So, I’d have a clear conversation with your wife explaining to her that the way she conducts herself regarding this is having a negative impact on both your personal well-being and your marriage.  That her words are eroding your trust in her and making it difficult to choose to love her.  Ask her to work with you to rebuild your relationship and the marriage.

As for sex, I’m seeing the same sort of powerlessness in what you write there.  If she puts a pillow between you and says she “doesn’t know what to do with it” just say “I do”, pick it up and toss it on the floor.  Be more assertive, be more confident.

When you say “She has also many times told me that she can’t wait to have sex or give me oral but never follows through with it”, I’m thinking you never follow through with it.  She’s offered and you never took her up on it.  Most likely, she’s considered this an initiation and you dropped the ball on your end by not assertively accepting it when the opportunity arose.

Alternatively, she’s just teasing you, in which case, you need to learn to set boundaries to stop this from hurting you.  For that, I’d suggest the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud.

All in all, I think you need to take back some power in your marriage.  It sounds like you’ve given it all to her, and from my experience and with working with many couples over the years, most women hate having that much power.  They’ll take it if you give it to them, but they’ll resent you for it.

Question 7

Hey Jay,

I had an idea recently and I wanted to get your opinion on whether or not it was a good one or see if you had any ideas to improve this idea.

My wife and I are both in our early thirties, have been married almost 8 years and have a baby here at home. My question is in regard to my birthday. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really care about my birthday. I don’t want a lot of presents or fanfare or anything, but it would be nice to have a fun night or a weekend getaway with my wife.

In lieu of any presents, here’s the idea I have – what do you think about me giving my wife about $100-$150 to spend on lingerie to wear. Obviously my motives are selfish here because this would in effect be a present for me but it could also be for her as well. She doesn’t have a lot of lingerie and doesn’t really care so much about it but I love it. In the 8 years we’ve been married though, that’s an aspect of it that she hasn’t really cared for. Do you think this would be insulting? Like her thinking that I don’t find her sexy enough as it is? I really do find her very sexy. I just think this would be a fun change for the bedroom.

Now I know in the big scheme of things this isn’t a huge issue like some others, but I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this idea and see if you have any other fun ideas to help spice things up. (I’ve already got your coupons and spice jar items. They’re great!)

Hopefully I got this out before your birthday.

I’ve personally done this before, and I posed the question in our supporters group. Both the husbands and wives thought it was a good idea.  The women said it would be flattering.

One suggestion I’d make: Don’t give cash.  Give her a gift card to a store that exclusively sells lingerie.  What I did last time was give her extra so she could buy some functional items as well, like pajamas.  Otherwise she’s going to likely still buy some, but it will come out of the budget you expected to be spent on lingerie.

Lastly, you have to realize that it may take her time to do it.  She may not have it done by this birthday, and if you pout and/or throw a fit about that, it’s probably never going to happen.  Give her time.

As for other ideas, if you liked the Spice Jar, then I’d suggest checking out our Sexy Memory game.

Question 8

What should I do when I’m sexually unsatisfied and I want to stop trying? I’m tired of being rejected in the bedroom. I want to stay married because I love my wife, but I’m tired of trying and always hearing no. 🙁

Having grown up being teased by my older sister and my parents I am pretty sensitive to it. My wife also teases me sometimes, but normally it’s all in fun and I can dish it back. However, in the last few months she has “teased” me with sex. Like she will tell me she can’t wait to give me oral, or have intercourse, yet she will not follow through and make an excuse. I know I am being too sensitive, but how should I approach this? We’ve talked and I have told her how I feel. Last time when she “teased” me I told her then you better follow through with it. She said “oh that’s right if I don’t follow through then I am a bad wife.” Since she said that I have been pretty mad, but not showing her that. I kind of just stew about it. Anyway, this is driving me crazy and I am focusing so much on this and it is really hurting my feelings. I have no idea what to do now, I have voiced my concerns to her. I have set some boundaries, but all I feel is depressed that she somehow fills her love cup by doing this I am left empty. Thanks

This one sounds a lot like question 6, so if you haven’t already, go back and read that answer.

I’m curious how you responded to “oh that’s right if I don’t follow through then I am a bad wife”.  I wonder what would have happened if you had said something like “Well, it’s not good behaviour.  When you tease me with sex and then don’t follow through, you erode the trust in our relationship and my personal feelings towards you.  You use something God created as a method of bonding a husband and wife together and keeping them in love and instead use it as a weapon, doing the work of Satan in driving us apart.”

I doubt she’d see it quite as humorously.  Now, there’s a good chance she’d get angry, but that would likely be her being convicted by her actions, and that’s an uncomfortable feeling.  It’s easier to get angry than to repent, so often people get angry first.

But when I hear things like “I want to stay married” or “I don’t want to get divorced”, at this point, you’re already starting to think of breaking the marriage, so what’s there to lose?  You might as well get her angry in the hopes of change.

You said you set up some boundaries, but I’m curious what sort of boundaries you’ve set up.  Doesn’t sound like they’re set right if it’s still hurting you this much.

Question 9

Thank you for your great web page Jay!! Love it!!! My question has to do with something my husband has requested. He wants to lick my anus. I was shocked. Lick my what?? Why do you want to do that??? I checked on the web and this seems to be common practice??!?!?! Can you give me your thoughts on this. This seems to be way over the top to me!

I’m thrilled you love it 🙂

So, this is becoming a more common practice. I have a post on rimming as well as a survey on anal play that included a question on rimming.

As well, I posted your question in our forum and the first response was:

She doesn’t know what she’s missing ….

Which got seconded by another wife.  She also shared that she was surprised by how much she liked it, and said that having a shower first helped make her feel more comfortable about it.

As for the why – well, generally it stems from two things:

  1. It’s “taboo”, which is often exciting
  2. He probably thinks you’ll enjoy it, which is also exciting

Now, that said, if you’re really uncomfortable with the idea, you don’t have to let him do it.  You can always table it for now and discuss it again in months, or years and see if your thoughts and feelings on it have changed.  Or if it’s a hard “no”, then simply tell him that.  But, considering you’re researching and asking questions, I’m guessing that’s not the case.

Or you could try it once and then decide once you’ve experienced it.

I hope that helps!

Question 10

Hey Jay, I have this question that is difficult to put into words but I’ll try. So my wife and I have been married for almost 3 years. At first the sex was great and often. It has dwindled down now but a substantial bit and when we do have sex it isn’t that good. I find myself tempted to look at women in pictures and in real life like when they are walking by. I am very attracted to my wife and she is beautiful, in my head I have a voice that tells me to go ahead and look because your wife won’t give it to you anyway. My wife rarely dresses up and doesn’t put in any effort to look the best she can. I still think she’s beautiful even when she first wakes in the morning. What can I do to not be this way? I don’t want to be that guy who leers at other women. I don’t want to be the guy who is half a second from looking up women online. I hope this easy to understand. My brain is spinning just thinking about it all.

Alright, so two issues here.  The first is what’s going on in the marriage.

So, what is the reason for sex reducing in quantity and quality?  Have you talked about it?  I don’t mean argued; I mean had a rational, civil, adult conversation.

Now, improving the frequency and caliber of sex will help with the temptation, which is the second issue.  I think spouses have a duty to each other to do their best to keep the other from temptation.

Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. – 1 Corinthians 7:5

However, just because that responsibility is shared, doesn’t mean your responsibility alone is any less.  Math in marriage doesn’t follow logical patterns.  Just as 1 + 1 = 1, then 1 – 1 = 1.  That is, even if your spouse isn’t helping you to defend against temptation, that doesn’t in any way diminish your responsibility to not give it a foothold in your mind or fall prey to it.

So, what can you do?

First, have a conversation with your spouse.  Talk about what’s going on.  Be vulnerable.  I’ll let you decide how vulnerabile you want to be.  Ideally, you have a wife who you can say anything to and she will feel compassion and conviction.

But, there is a percentage of women (men too) who will get very angry at this, because they will feel convicted and not be willing to deal with it.  They’ll see the vulnerability and decide to hit you there, because that feels safer than admitting they have some changes to make.  For some, sharing too much will be a relationship ender.  So, choose wisely.

Secondly, you need to take care of your own mind.  Recognize that this voice:

in my head I have a voice that tells me to go ahead and look because your wife won’t give it to you anyway

is coming from Satan. I wrote a post on the subject of looking at other women here:

How to stop looking at other women

Other than that, follow Christ’s example.  He dealt with temptation by knowing and then leaning on and quoting scripture.  He pointed back to God’s intent rather than the desires He was tempted with.  This may be an opportunity for you to dig into your Bible better and improve your relationship with God.

Question 11

Why did my husband masterbate to his friend’s wife picture?

I’m afraid there isn’t much to go on here.  But, regardless of the reason, it’s wrong, and it needs a serious conversation that involves you sharing how it makes you feel, asking him what is wrong with the marriage (if anything) from his perspective that is contributing to him acting out in this manner, or what you can do to help him overcome this temptation, and possibly setting some healthy boundaries to help protect him, yourself, and your marriage.

Question 12

I am kind of at a loss here. I am tired of this situation. Sometimes I work odd hours and the only normal hours I have are Friday and Saturday nights. My wife of 3 years will get in bed on a Saturday night with me and then proceed to look at her phone for at least an hour. I have asked her not to do that but she says she needs the time to relax. No matter what I say about it being counterintuitive and actually won’t help her relax she still does it. What all this means is that there is no intimacy on these nights. Then I “get” to go about my week with odd hours and there will be be no chance at intimacy for at least 7 days. It very much hurts my feelings that she does this and I have expressed it to her. Still no change. All I really want is to just cuddle and be together without me having to compete with an inanimate object. Not sure I can go for much longer like this. I really have no idea what to do. I have thought about turning off the WiFi and not allowing her to be able to surf the internet, but that would just tick her off and still would have no chance. Feel like I’m in a corner with no hope at getting out of it.

Yeah, just turning off the wifi would be treating her as a child rather than a partner.

There are a couple things that could be going on here.

The first is that she may just be using it as an excuse to avoid sex.  Figuring out if that’s the case requires an open, honest and vulnerable conversation about the state of your marriage and sex in particular.  I find many women have this idea that if they aren’t in the mood for sex, they should just avoid it, and because they know they shouldn’t just say “no”, they consciously or unconsciously find things to throw in the way.  This combined with the fact that most women have responsive sex drives leads them to think they should avoid sex most of the time.  

So, this “I need to relax” might just be a ploy, one she may not even recognize herself.

One suggestion might be to offer her a massage instead.  After all, if she just wants to relax, massages are relaxing.  They also have the potential for triggering that responsive desire and transitioning into sex.  As well, instead of it being “I don’t want you to be on your phone” it’s an invitation to intimacy.  Telling someone what you don’t want them to do automatically raises defenses, but an invitation to do something generally makes the brain first think about accepting.

If you don’t know how to give a good massage to our spouse, check out Melt over at CoupleMassageCourses.com. Actually, he has a crazy Father’s Day coming out soon. Actually, I managed to get permission to share the details early. It’s not supposed to launch until June 1st, but Denis (the owner of melt) likes me, so he says I could leak the info a bit early if I wanted. Basically, if you buy a bottle of massage oil, then you get the course for free for a month. All the details are available here.

A father's day gift you can both share.  Buy a bottle of massage oil and get a month of couples massage course for free - no obligation to continue.

The other possibility is that she’s simply addicted to her phone and so it’s her go-to.  In her mind, it helps her relax, but really she’s just looking for that dopamine fix that she gets when she uses it.  The truth is, using your phone at night is fairly disruptive to your sleep.  Maybe read this article together and suggest the challenge at the end of “no phones after 9pm” or whatever an hour and a half before bedtime is.  Just for a week.

If she doesn’t go for any of those, one of our supporters suggested this:

Here’s one other possible move: if it’s truly that painful for him (like the phone is an unwelcome 3rd party in their marriage bed), he could simply say “Darling, I love you and I want us to be close – it’s too painful for me to lay here each night as you choose your phone over connection with me, so as long as you’re doing that I’m going to sleep in another room.” The key is to make it about HIS choice. She’s totally free to continue choosing her phone, but she can’t expect him to be there waiting for her with a smile on his face. It must be done without a punitive tone or manipulative motive.

It’s definitely more risky, but also shows the seriousness of the situation from your perspective, which I sort of doubt is being picked up on by her.

That’s it for this round of questions.  If you have a question you’d like answered, you can contact me here or submit it anonymously on our Have A Question page.

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