Jay Dee, Author at Uncovering Intimacy

SWM 155 – Hookup Culture – When You Take Relationship Out of Sex

We live in a world that has learned to separate what God never divided.

Hookup culture is the next stage of sex stripped of meaning – where bodies meet, but no one truly connects.

I’m continuing this series exploring how, when we remove aspects of God’s intent for sex, we end up with all the examples of sexual immorality we see in our world.

Last time, I tackled what removing covenant from sex gets you: sex before marriage, and the fallout from that choice.

Today, we’re going to push that even further and look at hookup culture. At first glance it might seem like sex before marriage taken to the next level – but that expansion comes with new problems.

This isn’t just the removal of covenant – it’s the removal of the relationship itself.

SWM 154 – Sex Before Marriage – When You Remove Covenant from Intimacy

In my last post, I wrote about how sex is an act of worship because having sex, the way God intended, gives worth to Him. It honours what He created by using it as He intended.

However, our society is doing its best to invert that by taking away elements of God’s plan so as to distort sex. To make it not something that’s worship and creative, but rather destructive to ourselves, to each other, and to society as a whole.

So, today we’re going to explore sex outside of marriage, or what happens when you remove the covenant from sexual intimacy.

And to be clear, the legal status of the relationship is not the big problem here. It’s the intentional lifelong monogamous commitment to each other. Arguably, many marriages in the Bible are considered marriages simply because they had sex. However, sex is meant to seal a covenant, not substitute for one.

SWM 153 – Sex as an Act of Worship

The other night, after my wife and I had sex, we were lying there in that sweaty, happy pile you end up in when the oxytocin kicks in. As I often do, I asked her what she was thinking about. She’ll tell you I probably ask that too often, because I’m endlessly curious about what’s going on in her head.
Her answer surprised me. She said, “Sex is an act of worship.”
I asked her to explain, and she said, “Well, everything we do should be for God. And since you’re the head of the household, just as Christ is the head of the church, then giving myself to you, serving you in this way, is like serving Christ.”
That surprised me. I mean, I’ve taught before that sex is about more than physical release – that it’s for procreation, for bonding, for comfort, for recreation, even for warding off temptation. But I don’t think I’ve ever described it quite this way: as an act of worship.
So let’s unpack that. What does it mean that sex – sweaty, messy, joyful sex – could actually be worship of the God who created it?

SWM 152 – AQ – Unsexy nightclothes, husbands who won’t initiate, scent and partner selection and more

Answering Anonymous Questions about Married Sex

Topics include:

My wife’s nightclothes are killing my attraction
Is using a vibrator wrong?
How do I get my husband to initiate sex?
Need something to spice up our sex life
How does scent factor into spouse selection
Recovery after pregnancy
Is using classical conditioning on your spouse wrong?
How do I keep myself from becoming distant from my husband?
How can I talk to my husband about oral sex?

SWM 151 – AQ – Oral Sex Norms, Fantasy Guilt & Rekindling Passion

In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:
– Do men enjoy cunnilingus after ejaculation?
– Should I feel bad for refusing oral after anal?
– My spouse says I should accept substitutes for sex
– Feeling unloved due to lack of physical affection
– Guilt over sexual desires shaped by past porn use
– When one spouse wants BDSM and the other doesn’t
– Sex is loving but not exciting—can it be fixed?
– Why not have kids in your 40s?
– Survey requests on mutual masturbation and handjobs

Lovense Ferri Review – A Discreet Little Spark for Married Play

A while back Lovense reached out to me to ask if I wanted to try one of their toys in exchange for a review. We were given the choice between the Ferri or the Lush 4 to try out, and after a little forum polling and back-and-forth, we ended up picking the Ferri—mostly because the idea of a discreet, wearable toy for public-but-private connection felt a bit too tempting to pass up.

SWM 150 – Control, sex and marriage

Last month, I watched a great video by Gary Thomas and his wife Lisa on how a controlling spirit can harm a marriage. It got me thinking: In Christian circles, we often struggle to define the difference between healthy leadership and damaging control—both in marriage and in our relationship with God.

Why is it that surrendering to God is seen as good, but demanding control from a spouse is harmful? The key, I believe, is consent and love. When surrender is freely given and motivated by love, it can bring freedom and joy. But when control is forced, it leads to resentment and broken trust.

In this post, I’m sharing some personal stories and lessons we’ve learned about navigating these tricky dynamics in marriage.

SWM 149 – My daughter’s speech – Transgenderism is a lie

Today we’re going to do something a little bit different. For those who have been listening for more than a year, you know that my kids are in 4H and every year they have to deliver a speech. For the last few years, my eldest daughter has been delivering speeches about transgenderism based on her research and her own personal experiences.

So, as has been our tradition for the last three years, we wanted to share this one with you as well in the hopes that it might impact you. So this is my daughter’s speech titled Transgenderism is a Lie.

SWM 148 – 14 red flags your marriage is drifting towards divorce, affairs or lifelong unhappiness

Have you noticed how quickly disagreements turn into demonization these days? Whether it’s politics, religion, or even marriage, we’ve gotten stuck in a cycle of contempt—where the ‘other side’ isn’t just wrong, they’re evil. And it’s destroying relationships.

I see this in my marriage coaching practice all the time: spouses who’ve spent years labeling each other as selfish, cruel, or hopeless. They roll their eyes, assign malicious motives, and show up just to prove their partner is the problem. Once that mindset takes root, digging out takes months—sometimes years.

But there’s hope. When couples catch it early—before contempt hardens into habit—change can happen fast. Today, I’m sharing 14 warning signs that you’re heading down this dangerous path. Some might surprise you (like sarcasm or ‘harmless’ nicknames), but the last one? It’s the red flag you can’t ignore. Let’s dive in.

SWM 147 – How do you know if you’re sexually compatible

The most common argument I hear for premarital sex is, “You need to know if you’re sexually compatible before getting married. Otherwise, you might end up stuck in a sexless, unfulfilling relationship.”

And it sounds like sound reasoning. We test-drive cars before buying them. We have probation periods for people we hire at work. We sample foods before purchasing them. Shouldn’t sex, which is one of the most intimate parts of marriage, be tested beforehand to make sure you’re a good match?

It’s a compelling argument that convinces many people to abandon their principles. It makes you question your morality. It promises both immediate and long-term gratification.

However, it’s based on a flawed premise.

SWM 146 – Legalistic vs Loving Approach to Marriage – Shifting from Rules to Relationship

In my work as a marriage coach, I often see couples transition from one type of marriage to another. There’s no clear line between these states, no set of rules that definitively places someone in one category or the other. Yet, by observing how they handle conflict, express themselves, and interact in small ways, you can often tell which state their marriage is in.

A big part of my job as a coach is helping people shift from one type of marriage to another as most issues in marriage are resolved by doing so.