Alright, it’s been a couple months, so time for another roundup of the anonymous questions I’ve received. If you want to submit your own question, you can do so here. Or, of course, you can always just email me at Jay@UncoveringIntimacy.com.
Question 1 – Population growth and multiple wives
Did the Jews have more than 1 wife to multiply the race that’s in the bible. I read that a couple of days ago. I’m confused.
I can’t say I ever heard that theory. Actually, I’d argue that the Jews didn’t generally have more than 1 wife. There are a few that did, and it always caused a lot of strife. I’ve written about that in the post “When did God stop allowing multiple wives?”
But, it’s not hard to see massive population growth without adding polygamy. For example:
- It’s about 1000 years from Adam to Noah, a bit more, but I’m rounding down.
- Assuming we start with only Adam and Eve.
- Assuming couples start having kids at age 25, which may have been sooner.
- Assuming each couple has 5 kids each (being conservative)
- Assuming 30% of them die before they have their own kids.
Using a standard population prediction model, you have 10 billion people before Noah. Now, we’re told that in those times, people were exceptionally evil, so perhaps the mortality rate was higher.
The point is, you don’t need polygamy to grow a population. Just people who like to have sex.
Question 2 – Breastfeeding husband
So I had a hysterectomy in 2011 and now my new husband wants me to Breastfeed him. I would love to nurse him and have that special cuddling and loving time with him. What can I do to bring back my milk for him.
I wrote a post about adult nursing relationships a while back. I’d suggest checking out that post and the comments below. It’s not something we do, so I don’t have much to offer, but there are Christian ANR communities who shared their links in the comments section.
Question 3 – Wife with higher sex drive
I am one of the very few women with a higher sex drive than my husband. I am the one that has to initiate sex and he just lays there until he’s ready to drop his load. When we first got married he was the one that always wanted sex. After he came out of the Navy his sex drive changed. I have tried speaking to him about it but nothing ever changes. He thinks we’re having good sex but, for me morning sex after getting him turn on is not good sex. He never touches me or initiates and he won’t have sex any other time but on the weekends. It really hurts my feelings. I feel like he doesn’t find me attractive. This is been a problem for many years now and I’m tired of talking to him about it it’s embarrassing to have to beg for sex.
We actually have a pretty good marriage. We’re like best friends we do everything together.
If you have any ideas I’m willing to try anything frustrated.
I feel like I’m challenging all these questions, but I’m going to do it again. You are not one of the “very few”. There are quite a few, they’re just not very vocal. Fact is, in at least a quarter to a third of marriages, the wife is the sexual pursuer. In fact, in about 10% of marriages, the husband is actively refusing to have sex on a regular basis. All that to say, you are not alone.
Now, the military part comes with a ton of baggage. Like it or not, military organizations have a tendency to break a person’s psyche down and rebuild it for a specific purpose. That purpose is not to be a loving spouse … Re-entering society as a citizen can be difficult, because, well, they don’t have the same protocol for exiting. They don’t break them back down and rebuild them to be productive members of a family again. That’s just not their mission.
But, whether you’ve been in the military or not, almost all couples need to learn that just because their spouse doesn’t act the way they expect them to, or the way they want them to, or doesn’t show love in the way you want or you do, doesn’t mean they don’t love you. In his case, it means someone took him apart and didn’t bother to put him back together the way he was. In some ways, you can consider it a different upbringing than you had. The real difficulty in these situations is that he was different before when you met him. If it was like this all the time, then it would still be difficult, but more of a “that’s just the way he is”.
So, ideas. Yeah, honestly, if he’s up for it and actually interested in improving the marriage, I think marriage coaching could be quite beneficial, just to sort of get you guys communicating effectively about this, get some perspective shifts and start moving forward. Let’s extend that “pretty good marriage” into the bedroom and make it an amazing marriage. Because, honestly, these issues likely aren’t just in the bedroom. They likely are reflected in all aspects of your marriage.
Here’s a list of some articles I sent to a coaching client not too long ago to help with communication issues:
- Active Listening
- How to resolve conflict more effectively
- Covert Contracts
- Learning to Talk RITE
- Silence means everything is okay
But reading the posts only gets you so far. I send these to clients so we have a basis to work from. Some can pick it up just from reading it, but if you’re stuck in a pattern, it can be difficult to step out of it and apply what you’ve learned. Typically on one of our calls, we talk through a conflict, how it went, who said what, what they were thinking, and then we start to deconstruct where the harmful beliefs and words are, what could be said better and why, and we do a lot of on-the-fly translating, so each spouse can actually hear what the other intends, rather than what they are hearing.
Anyways, check out the posts and then if you’re interested in marriage coaching, let’s schedule a call.
Question 4 – Is it wrong to buy a toy for yourself?
My wife purchased a cheap male sleeve at a party she went to for me. She knows i use it from time to time, but will not use it with me or even talk about it. We struggle with intimacy as we only have intercourse maybe once a month and sometimes it is just 1 evening of foreplay in a months time. I have a much higher drive than she does and hers seems to be less and less. Would it be wrong to ask or suggest to her about purchasing a high quality toy like the fleshlight? Is it wrong that a man uses these for self pleasure?
So, my views here are going to differ from some others, but from my perspective, solo masturbation is not okay. Here’s why in this case. What you’re asking for is a tool so you can relieve the pressure that’s designed to be relieved with your spouse. In short, instead of working on your marriage, you’re looking to find a release valve so you don’t have to deal with the difficulty.
I think sex was partially designed to force us to resolve these types of conflicts. I’d suggest you both read this free ebook because it sounds like you both might have some misunderstandings about how sex drives and arousal work. If you are both always waiting for her to be “in the mood”, you’re going to continue to be stuck in this pattern. Instead, I’d say work to change the dynamic, and that requires some new knowledge and a perspective shift for you both.
Question 5 – Small penis
Is a 4 inch penis to small for most women?
I’ve been wondering when we’d get this question. Actually, I’m going to write a post on it rather than answer it here. I just wanted to put this here so you didn’t think I missed it. Stay tuned!
Question 6 – Cunnilingus question
How is the best way to get your wife to orgasm in cunnilingus?
I’d love to give you a step by step instruction manual for how to do this. But the truth is, every woman is different. For some, they have absolutely no interest in this whatsoever. Either because they feel “icky” or are ashamed, or think it’s sinful. For some it’s because they’re too sensitive, for others it’s because it does nothing for them, while some women absolutely love it. Some love it and still can’t orgasm from it. Some hate it and can orgasm from it.
Point is, every woman is different. Whatever I write, some wife is going to say “if you did that to me, I’d smack you”. So, let’s try this. I’ll list some things, and you show your wife and say “which do you think you would like?”
Some women like:
- Long slow licks up and down / Licks only up / Licks only down / Circular licks
- Random licks – like the alphabet / Licks in a repeating pattern / The same lick every time – and don’t you dare stop or change!
- Soft tongue (like licking a stamp) / Pointed tongue (like getting something out of your teeth)
- Licking the clitoris directly / Licking it indirectly
- Licking the vaginal opening / Licking the perineum / Licking the anus
- Fingers added to licking / Fingers in the vaginal opening / Fingers in the anus
- Tongue vibrator
- A toy in the vaginal opening (vibrating or not) / A toy in the anus
- Nipples being pinched during oral sex / don’t touch anything except with your tongue
- Fast licks / Slow licks / Changing speed
- To give direction / To not have to say a word
- Natural Lube (self-produced) only / Additional Lube / TONS of lube (btw, System Jo makes some amazing tasting lube – Salted Caramel is probably my favourite. Seriously, you could eat this for dessert.)
Now, that’s just what I could come up with off the top of my head. Anyways, ask her what she’d like, prepare, and then give it shot. Oh, another thing: Many women respond a lot better after they’ve been highly aroused.
I hope that helps!
Question 7 – Is solo masturbation okay with permission?
I’ve read all your posts on solo masturbation and why it’s wrong. My husband has recently told me that he doesn’t enjoy getting me sexually aroused and that he’s always been this way. He will do it, but it’s just like any other “chore” such as mowing the yard (his words not mine). I now understand why he seems uninterested in exploring my body. He loves to lay there while I explore him and get him aroused, but his enjoyment of fondling me is missing. Knowing he’s not really into it, sometimes hinders me and I don’t always get to experience orgasm. Intercourse is rare because he will go soft during intercourse, and a hand job is necessary for him to climax. He has told me that anytime I feel a need to orgasm, whether he’s with me or not, to just go ahead and masturbate without him. He understands I’m the higher drive spouse. He has given me “permission” because he simply would rather not be bothered with me. What am I supposed to do? Would masturbation be OK in this kind of marriage? Or do I simply go without because masturbation is not allowed?
This reminds me of another question I received a while ago about whether or not adultery is okay with permission. My answer to that was no, and my answer is still no in situations like this. Ultimately, what your husband is saying is “I don’t want to work on this, so why don’t you do something wrong, so we can both be wrong and not challenge each other.” He wants an out to stay in sin. If you agree, then you are not only enabling it, but also engaging in the same sin. Because what he’s doing, I’d argue, is just as much marital infidelity as solo masturbation – it’s a willing decision to not put your sexual energy into your marriage.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy, desirable or fair. As I tell my kids all the time – Christianity is not about being fair. If it was, none of us would have hope, we’d all be destroyed – if humanity even made it this far.
And there’s no simple solution or easy answer, but the difficult answer is to take that energy and put it into loving your spouse. They may never change, but that’s not the point. While it would be nice if all marriages ended up with crazy hot sex, the point of marriage is not happiness – the point, as Gary Thomas once wrote, is to make us holy. We don’t do that by side-stepping difficulties and looking for ways out. Nothing in the Bible leads me to believe that getting permission to work outside of God’s plan leads to self-control, perseverance, or ultimately a character that will make us want to choose eternity with God.
In the meantime, masturbate with him there. Make it a shared experience. Say something like “I’m feeling horny, would you hold me while I masturbate?” I’d also consider the next time he needs a hand-job to climax saying “How about you give yourself a handjob, and I’ll give myself one, and then we’ll both have fun together”.
As well while I’m against “tit-for-tat” situations, there does become a point where I think it’s valid to say “Look, giving you a handjob while I get nothing in return is causing resentment and it’s putting a wedge in our marriage. I don’t know if I can continue giving them in this situation, because it’s not fair to our marriage.” That’s not saying “I’m not going to do it if you don’t, but rather it’s an acknowledgement that the current situation is damaging and needs to be changed, and you aren’t willing to contribute to the damaging effects anymore.
I hope that helps!
Question 8 – Preferences
What does a 60-year old woman prefer: giving a blow job or being penetrated?
This is going to be an unsatisfying answer, but it depends on the woman! Ask her! I’m afraid I don’t have a survey with this data.
Question 9 – Emotional connection through sex
I connect with my husband emotionally through sex more than anything else. It wasn’t always this way but became this way as our relationship deepened over the years. However, he told me not that long ago that for him, sex is about pleasure only, and when we make love, he’s hearing “I desire you” from me. I was really surprised by this. I’ve told him that in addition to desire, I’m communicating my love for him, but he doesn’t receive it that way, which is somewhat frustrating for me. Now that he knows that I’m “hearing” and “saying” “I love you” when we have sex, he’s working on trying to incorporate that into what he’s feeling, but is having trouble still. I guess this bothers me because for most guys, as far as I’ve read, sex is the primary way they connect emotionally. My husband struggled with a porn addiction for 20 years, from when he was very young. However, he hasn’t looked at porn a single time in seven or eight years, now. Wondering if you have any tips for how to better associate sex with emotional connection, rather than physical pleasure only? Feel free to edit this question as needed to make it more brief and/or to clarify things.
So, this is one of the most common things we see in marriage: One spouse feels that their spouse should be one way, and when they aren’t, they feel disappointed, hurt, annoyed, or even betrayed. It’s okay for you to be different. There’s a great book called The 5 Love Languages (I highly recommend it) which describes a model of people each showing and feeling love in a primary way (and then secondary, tertiary, etc..). The point is that just because you show love through sex, doesn’t mean he receives it that way. And that’s okay. It’s good to know we have our defaults.
Now, that said, the book also shares the idea that we can learn to accept other languages. We can learn to receive love using other modalities, and to show love during other modalities. But, it’s never going to be our native tongue, as it were. And that’s okay.
Another thing I want to say is that while he says he doesn’t feel emotionally connected during sex, men generally aren’t very good at self-evaluating emotions or emotional connections. It’s quite possible he doesn’t recognize it and doesn’t believe it, but actually does feel it without realizing.
Give him time, keep saying “I love you” during sex. Tell him you’d like to hear him say “I love you” back. And most of all: be patient.
Those are all the questions I received from our anonymous Have A Question page in the last month or two. If you have a question, you can ask it there, and we’ll answer it in the next roundup.