SWM010: All you want is sex
For the first half of our marriage, I heard from my wife many times “All you want is sex”, because sex was probably the biggest are of conflict in our marriage. Since then, I’ve seen it many times in emails and comments from lower drive spouses, or from the high drive spouses complaining about the complaints of their low drive spouse.
Some of them are accused of being obsessed with sex, some believe that it’s their sinful nature that’s causing the desire, some think it’s a character deficit to be overcome, and, sadly, I’ve heard too often from high-drive spouses “I wish God would take this desire away from me”.
Misunderstanding the desire to have sex
- For some men there is a definite physical need, which makes us constantly aware of our sexuality
- Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, it’s what makes us feel emotionally connected
- One source of oxytocin (arguable the primary source in men) is through sex
- Sex makes us feel emotionally bonded and connected
- Sex chemically makes us feel loved and secure in our relationship
Miscommunication about the desire to have sex
- Often we don’t understand how sex, oxytocin and feeling bonded and emotionally secure work together
- Because of this misunderstanding, we don’t communicate well
- We say “I want sex” when we mean “I want intimacy”, “I want to feel connected”, “I want to feel secure” or “I want to feel loved”
- This miscommunication makes our spouses believe that we only want their body, when in fact, we want an emotional connection to them