SWM 119 – Vibrators & dildos, roleplay, talking to your kids about sex, and more
After a hiatus, we’re back to catching up on our anonymous questions. These are from November and December of last year, and I wanted to get them out the door before another month rolled over. I almost didn’t make it as this week continued to throw everything it could at me. But we’re here now, and here are the questions we got.
For those who don’t know, these questions are submitted on our anonymous Have A Question page, and whatever we get – that’s all we have. We typically get no further context or contact information; we just go by what we’re given. I post the questions in the supporters’ forum as they come in, we discuss them, and then I write a post like this one answering them.
Question 1 – How do you use a vibrator?
Hello, I bought my wife one of the Limon vibrators. We have not quite gotten to use it much in a way she enjoys. A couple of times when I tried it on her, it almost started to feel good, but we lost the feeling. Do you have any how-to resources you would recommend? I’m hoping we could use it together to self-masturbate with each other as another thing to mix up so it’s not just her giving me a hand job and wearing her hand out when she is fertile.
First things first, and this is more of a PSA because you specifically said, “When she is fertile,” if you’re having sex, you should be prepared to have a child. And by prepared, I mean you accept that it could happen and are willing to bear the responsibility. I don’t know if you’re using natural family planning, the rhythm method, or whatever else, but most methods are not foolproof. Condoms aren’t, birth control pills aren’t, IUDs aren’t, and even vasectomies and tubal ligations fail. It’s not common, but it can happen.
Of course, if you’ve had a hysterectomy or something else that makes it literally impossible or are menopausal and haven’t had a period in over a year, then, yeah, it’s not going to happen. Still, for the rest, just so everyone is clear – if you’re having sex, you are implicitly consenting to the responsibility of having a child.
If you can’t handle that – don’t have intercourse.
Anyways, on to the topic at hand.
I don’t know of any resources, I’m afraid, but let me see if I can provide some guidance.
First – talk about it. Sadly, many people try things but don’t talk about it. Talk before about what the goal is. Talk about how it’s going, what to change, what feels good, and what doesn’t while you’re using it. But try to make it sexy, not clinical. If you need help, check out our resource on talking dirty. Talk after and debrief and decide if you want to try again sometime, what would you do differently, etc.
Second – Try different things. If it started feeling good and you lost it, don’t spend the entire night just trying to get it back exactly where it was. Try for a little bit, then try something else. Move it, change the intensity, move your body (things feel different when you’re on your stomach, on your side, on your back, kneeling, or whatever)
Third, try to relax and be patient. Don’t get so focused on it that it becomes frustrating and stressful because it may chase all those good feelings away when you try something new. We generally will try a toy two or three times at least to see if it’s any good, and sometimes, a good toy isn’t a good toy for that session.
Fourth – Don’t rely solely on the toy. Keep up other forms of pleasure, touching, kissing, rubbing, or whatever else other erogenous zones. Many people need to feel connected, and sometimes, bringing something mechanical in and focusing on that can break that feeling of connection and throw them off. So, focus on the two of you – it’s just a tool, not the main event.
And Fifth – A “how to” is difficult because people enjoy different types of stimulation when it comes to vibrators. I mean, the general advice for a bullet-type vibe like the Limon is that you want to use it to stimulate the clitoris. So, you need to know where that is. However, that may be too sensitive at first. So, start further away and slowly move towards it. Try approaching from different directions as well. Vary the pressure and vibration speed; you can move it around instead of just holding it in one place. I would not suggest inserting it as it may be challenging to get out again.
Other than that, give it a few more attempts. We generally will try a toy a few times to see if it was just that night, how we were using it, or even where she is in her cycle, as that also changes things.
I hope that helps.
Question 2 – Roleplay
Is it a sin that my husband and I use some role play? He still pretends I’m his wife but his own special nurse or masseuse because I’m good at it. I’m not really those things in real life, but he’s always thought I was good at them. He doesn’t think of anyone else but me, and it was my idea.
One issue I have with roleplay is when people start to leverage sinful situations to make a situation erotic, and I believe this violates the biblical principle of not letting the devil have a foothold in your life (Ephesians 4:27), and glorifying and focusing on good, not evil (Philippians 4:8).
So, for example, if you want to pretend the husband is the principal and the wife a school girl – well, you’re leveraging the ideas of sex with minors and leveraging a power imbalance to coerce sex, as well as sex outside of marriage.
Likewise, if you want to roleplay about a massage therapist who gets carried away and has sex with her client, you have similar issues. Depending on the roleplay, it may be coercive because the patient is naked and in a vulnerable state – it’s hard to get up and walk out with your clothes off. But even if they’re on board with it, and it’s all consensual, you’re still glorifying sex outside of marriage.
I don’t see those elements in the roleplay you suggest, so I don’t see a reason why that would be a problem for me.
Question 3 – Will a dildo make me unsatisfied with my husband?
My husband and I have a very satisfying sex life. That being said, thanks to this website, we have been having more open conversations about desires. We both have a desire for me to use a dildo while he receives oral sex – he loves the idea of me getting pleasure at the same time. I am very open to this idea, but I have a fear that if I use a dildo or other toy, I might become unsatisfied with him. Is this a possibility? I know it is not a sin; I just don’t want to accidentally prefer a toy to him.
That’s awesome. I’m thrilled you have been able to open up to each other, and I’m honoured to have played a small part in that growth.
It’s doubtful that you’ll prefer the toy to him. There are some cases where that becomes slightly more likely, but it’s rare.
One is when your relationship is not great, and using a sex toy is easier than navigating the complexities of having sex with someone you don’t have a good relationship with.
Another is when the toy has some feature that he doesn’t, creating sensations he can’t. For example, vibrators, curved toys designed to hit the g-spot, very long toys that reach areas he can’t (like the a-spot – the anterior fornix, which is in fairly deep against the front wall, and the p-spot – the posterior fornix, which is on the back wall), or very girthy toys that create a stretching feeling he doesn’t.
Now, having a toy with these sensations isn’t a problem, but if he gets sensitive about it and feels insecure, that becomes an issue. Likewise, if you start to focus on the sensations of the toy more than the shared experience together, that’s an issue.
But these are fairly easy to figure out if they’re happening and stop. If you start having fights and he says things like “I feel like you like the toy more than me, ” then put it aside for a while. Even if it’s not true, being willing to give it up to show it’s not may help with that insecurity.
Likewise, if you find yourself fantasizing about the toy, sneaking off to use it without him, or giving oral sex as an excuse to use the toy. It may be wise to set it aside and refocus on what’s important – the relationship.
That said, it’s completely understandable to be excited about something new and want to try it out a few times, especially if it feels good. We’ve definitely had times where we either have a new toy or try a new activity, and my wife is itching to try it again because it felt amazing, and that dopamine release from something new is just really enticing. Of course, I am too, because it’s fun. I don’t think that’s an issue. When that continues past the sort of “it’s shiny and new” phase, I think maybe it’s worth checking your priorities.
I hope that makes sense.
Question 4 – Wife makes excuses about everything
My wife has an excuse about everything and this includes the bedroom: too tired, long work day, back hurts, neck hurts legs hurt, headache, jaw ache, toothache, dehydrated, didn’t have enough protein that day, ate too much sugar….and so on. This has prevented us from doing more than two positions (missionary and my performing cunnilingus) in ten years or having more sex than once a month. When I ask if there is anything I can do or try to talk it through I get shut down hard. And then she complains that we don’t have enough sex to me and in front of our small group at church. Do I have hope of ever getting more sex or more varied sex?
You two need to sit down and discuss this honestly and openly.
Something like, “Hey, today, when you complained to our small group at church that we don’t have enough sex – that confused and hurt me. I’d really like to have more sex as well, and if you do, too, then I’d like for us to figure out how to accomplish that. Would you be willing to talk about that?”
If she shuts you down, then I’d push for marriage coaching, therapy, or something else because you need to be able to talk about things if you hope to improve them.
Question 5 – When to start talking to your kids about sex?
When is a good age to talk to my kids about sex? Should both parents be involved in the conversation with the child? What should the content cover?
Thanks in advance,
Constantly. There isn’t an age to start; rather, it should just be part of life. We currently live on a farm, so it’s easier. Sex is all around us. The roosters constantly try to mate with the hens – multiple times a day. We bred our goats this winter. The dogs just had puppies. We have 20-some-odd chicks hatching now. Sex is everywhere. There’s no avoiding it.
But even without that – sex is everywhere – on billboards, TV shows, and ads on YouTube. These are all opportunities to talk about it.
My younger kids are not embarrassed or ashamed about the chickens’ mating. They know that’s part of life. They’ve seen the dogs have sex as well and asked, “Why do they get stuck like that?”
Most kids will ask questions – don’t be afraid to answer them. The problem parents tend to get into is that the kids will ask something like “Where do babies come from?” and then the parents will try to distract them with something else or give a vague answer like “Mommies and Daddies,” which, while axiomatically true, doesn’t provide any information. Or parents get awkward and uncomfortable, and the kid notices. All of these teach kids to refrain from asking questions about that topic. So, by the time they’re teenagers and need to know the answers – they don’t ask. Because it’s weird and awkward, and they don’t get real answers anyway – at least, that’s their experience.
So, the easy way is – to answer your kid’s questions.
As well, when opportunities arise – take them. Talk about the things you see, the implications of choices, where babies come from, etc.. If you hear your kid say something inappropriate that relates to sex (because they will, they’ll hear something and not understand and then repeat it), don’t just tell them never to say it again. Tell them what it means and why they shouldn’t.
Now, you can get a book, sit them down, and teach them like a school subject. There are likely some excellent resources for that method, but the organic approach is far better and more effective. It also creates a relationship where communication about anything is easier without a formal framework.
And yes, both parents should do this, but they don’t have to be present when you do it. Again, let it happen organically. Now, if you’ve already shut down your kids – well, you have to figure out how to start again, and that will be awkward. I haven’t read any books on talking to kids about sex, so I don’t have a recommendation, I’m afraid. But I just posted the question on social media about resources and got some suggestions. You can check them out on Facebook, Instagram and X (formerly Twitter) to see people’s responses.
Lastly, the sad thing is – if you don’t teach them, someone will. It’s not that they’re not going to learn about sex. They will. It’s what they’re going to learn about sex that’s the question. If you don’t teach them, they will learn that the only thing to worry about with sex is consent. Besides that, it doesn’t matter who, what, where or when they’re doing something. Your first conversation about sex should not be, “Hey, Mom and Dad, I’m pregnant / I got a girl pregnant.”
Question 6 – Wife caught me watching porn
My wife caught me watching porn and masturbating. She feels this is a sign to split our marriage. She feels I cheated on her. I swear I would never be with another woman, but her eyes tell her differently. What do I do? I do love her with all my being.
You did cheat on her. You promised sexual fidelity, and then you broke that promise. Frankly, she has every right to leave. I’m not saying she should or that it would be a good choice, but she could, and she would not be in the wrong – you are.
What do you do? Well, that depends on your views. It doesn’t sound like you’re remorseful at all. So, you’ve cheated and don’t have any regret – you just feel she’s overreacting. That is a large gap to bridge.
But you say you love her with all your being. So, do you love her enough to give up porn and masturbation? From the sounds of it, that may be what you have to do.
Question 7 – Is masturbation without porn a sin?
Hi. I’m new to your platform. I do have several questions, though. My wife and I have been separated for at least three years now.
To be honest, I still love her. However, during the separation period, I’ve experienced several bouts of urges to relieve myself through self-pleasuring. Is masturbation without porn and lusting or thinking about anyone specifically but my wife considered an act of sin before God? Please help, and thank you so much for your time.
I believe that solo masturbation is sex, and sex should be a shared activity with your spouse. That’s it. It doesn’t become more or less sinful if there’s no porn, lusting, etc. I think it becomes more harmful to yourself and your relationship with those things added, but there aren’t degrees of sin.
If you want to read my reasoning or argue with it, you can do so in my post Why masturbation is a problem whether you’re married or single.
And that’s it for today. If you have a question of your own, you can ask it on our anonymous have a question page. If you’d like to help support us and gain access to the supporters forum, you can do so here.