SWM 115 – Strapons, Exes and Foreskins

Topics include: 
Can I use a strap-on on my wife?
My husband’s ex-girlfriend
What’s a foreskin for?

Well, it’s November, so it’s time to get into the questions we received in October from our anonymous Have A Question page.  As these are anonymous questions, all we get is what they submit.  I post them in our supporters’ forum, we discuss them, and then I write up my responses on a blog post and release them as a podcast episode.

Before we get into the questions, though, we’re getting closer to Christmas, and this time of year is when I put our Intimacy Advent Calendar up for sale again.  So, if you’re looking for a gift for your spouse, then check it out.  It comes in three flavours – the romantic set, which has a bunch of non-sexual activities; the sexy set, which includes all the romantic cards and a bunch of sexual ones; and the black-label set, which has all the others, plus many more adventurous choices.  So, whatever your dynamic, there’s something for you that I think your spouse will appreciate.

And now, let’s get on to the questions.

Question 1 – Using a strap-on on my wife

I have a fantasy about using a strap-on on my wife. The idea is I could go for more time than with my real penis and maybe stimulate her to an orgasm. Also, it seems fun to try a bigger than real-life one and see if it feels better for her.  I love getting her to orgasm; it is the best ever!

I’m pretty sure my wife would think that a little strange. I have floated the idea before and got that vibe. Sometimes, my ideals of what sounds sexy aren’t so sexy in reality.

What do I do with my ideas, or how can I find the sexy ideas my wife is interested in? She tends to just want simple and fast. If I ask her about fantasies or ideas she’d like, it’s mostly nothing. I feel like I have a lot of creativity for sex, but need to tune how I use it better, but can’t find what she likes, and she doesn’t seem to know either.

There are a few things I want to hit with this question.

The first is about using a strap-on – I don’t see anything wrong with this.  Particularly if you suffer from erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation or if your wife simply takes longer to orgasm from penetration than you have the stamina to keep up.  

That said, I hope your wife is one of few who can orgasm from penetration because if you’re planning on this in the hopes that she will, but she never has before, you might be disappointed, and she might feel put under a lot of pressure.

As for your wife thinking it’s a little strange – so what? We should be able to share all our weird ideas with our spouses.  I mean, you’re sharing yours with me, a stranger, knowing that I’m going to share it with thousands of people, all of whom could head over to the blog and react however they want.  Sharing it with your spouse is an opportunity to learn about her and she about you.  Maybe you share this idea with her, and she says, “I don’t want to do that,” and then you know.  Or perhaps she says, “That sounds great – let’s go shopping,” and then you try it out.

If she’s not interested in the idea, ask why, adjust your creativity to match her response, and leave this idea behind. If you don’t, then, frankly, you’re more interested in the idea than your wife, and that’s a problem.

Lastly, yes, husbands asking their wives for their fantasies or sexy ideas and wives responding that they don’t have any is quite common.  That’s one of the reasons why I built Our Sexploration List so that you don’t have to pull ideas out of thin air – you can go through a list and just let yourself react to them.  If she doesn’t know, put it as a “maybe” and try it out.  

Question 2 – Husband’s previous sexual partner

I have a question that I believe ties to your latest poll about sex before marriage and how it affects your marriage now.  My husband had 6 sexual partners before me. Unfortunately, I have to see one of them 3 times a week, as our children are involved in the same activity and are unfortunately on the same team.  At the beginning of our relationship this person was calling my husband (then boyfriend) constantly, to the point where I seriously couldn’t take it anymore and left.  He changed his phone number to prove he was serious about me. That was 16 years ago. We’ve been married almost 12 years now. Because we had four kids, we spent the majority of our marriage in a season of “getting through,” our marriage was not thriving, I’ll put it that way.  The kids are older now so in the last year or so we have been working really hard to have a fulfilling marriage. That’s why this couldn’t come at a worse time. This woman is not married so she will deliberately do (crazy) things like sit right next to us on the bleachers. 🤯I have experienced shame around sex and your podcast has completely changed my perspective on it. A 180, seriously. But now the problem is because I think so highly of it, the thought of my husband sharing that special gift with this Jezebel makes me feel sick. He says it meant nothing, that men can have sex, and it mean absolutely nothing. Maybe I’ll just never understand that. Can your male listeners confirm this? Can he see her at the games and truly feel nothing towards this person at all despite dating her for months and sleeping with her? How can sex mean nothing at all, but sometimes mean everything? Anything you can say to help me feel better? This is my reality through February and I’m tired of feeling so stressed about it. Thanks for everything♥️

If you ask a bunch of men this question, you’ll get many different answers, but I welcome all the men reading this blog post to comment at the bottom and share your thoughts and experiences.

Now, whether or not it meant something to him at the time, I think it’s essential to believe that it means nothing now – that’s what matters.  Unless he’s given you some clear indication why you shouldn’t believe him – I would believe him.

It seems you married him knowing he had a sexual history, and, well, this is what potentially comes along with that.  

Now, if she’s acting inappropriately, and I’m not sure just coming over and sitting with you is, ask her to stop; if she won’t, change your kids’ activities.  You can’t change the past, but you can change your present if need be.

But I’d instead try reframing it.  Every time you see her, rather than think about how she had sex with your husband, think about how you get to have sex with him for the rest of your life.  Given that you’re working on having a fulfilling marriage and have done a 180 regarding your perspective on sex – I’m betting he’s pretty happy he ended up with you, regardless of his history.

It would also be good to express how this situation makes you feel to your husband. It’s entirely possible that if you haven’t talked about it, he has no idea what you’re going through, and if he did, he might take steps of his own.

Topics include: 
Can I use a strap-on on my wife?
My husband’s ex-girlfriend
What’s a foreskin for?

Question 3 – Foreskins

What is a foreskin for?

Good question. I don’t know that there is a definitive answer.  There are lots of theories.  The most prevalent is that it protects the glands at the head of the penis, thereby increasing sensitivity during sex when the foreskin is pulled back when the penis becomes erect.

Another is that it provides additional lubrication during sex, as men with a foreskin tend to be somewhat lubricated underneath naturally so that the foreskin doesn’t stick to the head of the penis.

But, ultimately, I think you will have to ask God that when we get to heaven.

And that’s it for today.  

If you have any questions, feel free to submit them on our anonymous Have A Question page. If you’d like to see the questions as they come in and participate in the discussion of those questions in the forum, consider donating.  $1/month gets you access to the forum, and $5/month brings you a bunch of more perks like our monthly couples’ Zoom call, access to our digital Sexploration List, and more.  We also have some $50/month supporters who get a monthly free coaching call.

Your support helps pay for things like email, web and podcast hosting, and all the other expenses involved in putting everything Uncovering Intimacy has out there to help you make your marriage amazing.  I couldn’t do it without those who generously give every month.

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