What does Biblical Leadership look like in a Marriage?
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I saw a video the other day of a wife listing things that would immediately cause a divorce in her marriage. The top item on her list was her husband finding God and joining a patriarchal religion. To her, that is intolerable and worthy, not of a discussion, but of immediately severing the marriage.
And I wish I could say I was surprised, but unfortunately family headship, leadership, hierarchies in Christianity often get a bad reputation – usually because of Christians. They read a verse or two, and build a theology about it – despite it being contradicted by the rest of the Bible – always a dangerous thing to do. The most common verses I see on this topic are:
Ephesians 5:23 – For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
Titus 2:5 – to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
So, I thought I’d take a few minutes and share what I think biblical leadership looks like based not on one or two verses, but on what I think the model of leadership is throughout the entire Bible – not just the verses that explicitly talk about marriage, but also how God showcases leadership Himself.
Because ultimately, husbands aren’t at the top of the chain – God is, we’re just another step along the way, and we have leaders above us, which we should hope would also adopt biblical principles for leadership, whether they be elders, pastors, employers, governors, or presidents.
So, here is what I think biblical leadership looks like based on what I see in the Bible:
- Freedom flows down, responsibility flows up
- Following is an invitation, not compulsion
- Long-term flourishing over short-term comfort
- Trust without understanding
- Using authority means you failed to lead
Let’s take them one at a time.
1. Freedom flows down, responsibility flows up
The first is that being the leader isn’t about getting other people to serve you. It’s about taking on the responsibility of serving them.
Leaders absorb burdens – burdens of provision, protection, hard decisions, responsibility, direction, mental load and more.
The people who are following should then gain some freedom from these areas that they give up. Cost and responsibility flow up the structure. Freedom and relief flow downward.
Biblically, every layer of leadership operates in this way – leadership is defined by what the leader gives up, not what they get.
If your leadership makes the lives of whoever is following you heavier rather than lighter, then you are not leading – you’re just outranking, which is not the same thing, and that’s not biblical leadership.
Ephesians 5:25 tells husbands to love their wives to such an extent that they should be willing to give up their lives. Mark 10:43-45 says that leaders should be servants. In Genesis 3:9, God comes looking for Adam first and asks “where are you?” Hebrews 13:17 says that those who lead the church will have to give an account about those they watch over. 1 Timothy 5:8 says that leaders of a family who don’t provide for those under them are worse than unbelievers.
And lastly, I think the most important one is that when Jesus calls us to follow, He doesn’t say “follow me or else”, but rather, “my burden is light”.
I think one of the most obvious examples that I see come up in marriages all the time is about meal planning. How many husbands get asked by their wives, “What do you want for dinner?” And I am sure some of it is because they simply want to provide a dinner that’s enjoyable for their spouse, but I think it’s often driven more by the desire to be able to remove that mental load from their plate. They don’t want to make the decision.
Most of the time, the wife is happy to make the dinner – so long as they don’t have to decide what they’re making. In fact, we know it’s not about the making of the dinner at all, because even when going out to eat, there is a running joke that women in general cannot choose where they want to go or what they want to eat.
I think the answer is simply that they want to have a nice relaxing night out – and that includes not having to think about what they want, and balancing that against what their spouse wants. They want the mental load taken off of them. They want their husband to lead.
The burden goes up, the freedom comes down.
That is the first and maybe the most important point about biblical leadership – if you’re not making the lives of those under you better – then are you really leading? And why would they want to follow you?
2. Following is an invitation, not compulsion
That leads straight into the second principle – you cannot force, shame, coerce or otherwise push someone to follow.
You might beat them into submission – using physical or societal force, but they won’t really be following. You’ll be either pushing or dragging – and you won’t get what you want from it, and neither will they. I’ve never seen a “leader” (and I use that term lightly in these cases) use this method and be content, neither the leader nor the people under them.
The most common version of this is a husband trying to Bible-quote his wife into submission. I’ll come back to that in point five, because reaching for a verse to make her comply is really a question of authority, not of following.
What matters here is simpler: if you want her to submit – make submitting easy. Make it a joy. If your rules, leading, and/or headship is burdensome, then you only have yourself to blame.
1 John 5:3 – “For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.”
To be clear, I’m not saying wives should only submit to a perfect husband. I don’t think that’s any more biblically founded than trying to force your wife to submit, but even if you managed to lead perfectly, which you won’t, they still have the option to not follow.
Jesus led perfectly, and people still walked away from Him. A crowd left in John 6, and He turned to the twelve and asked if they wanted to go too. The rich young ruler heard Him out and left. He stood over Jerusalem and said “How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not!”
Revelation 3:20 – Behold, I stand at the door and knock.
He invites. He doesn’t break the door down.
Flawless leadership does not guarantee willing followers. If it did, everyone would be a Christian.
And so even if you believe you’re leading well, and your burden is light – that doesn’t mean you can force them to follow. It just means they don’t get the natural benefits of following. That doesn’t mean you withhold love, protection, or provision. But it does mean that if they won’t let you lead in certain areas, then they’re going to experience the burden of having to take on that mental load themselves. You can’t protect them from that.
Galatians 6:5 – For each will have to bear his own load.
Husbands – the onus on you isn’t to produce a submissive wife. It’s to make following you as safe, as easy, and as obviously worth it as you can, and then to keep doing that whether or not she ever takes you up on it.
Wives – the opposite applies to you as well – do you get to choose to submit or not? No. That’s as much a command as husbands loving their wives is. You don’t get to decide not to because he’s not loving. You don’t get to decide not to because you’re in a bad mood or had a rough day.
That said, there are times when I don’t think you should submit.
Leadership has hierarchies within hierarchies biblically, and every level going down submits to every level going up.
Husbands, wives, children, employees, pastors, church members – everyone submits to God. If anyone tells you to ignore, violate, or otherwise break God’s commands, then the hierarchy is clear: You follow God. Period. I don’t care if that is about tithing, Sabbath keeping, what church you go to, or who you have sex with – your spouse doesn’t get to override God’s laws. You operate within your convictions. If you don’t have convictions about it – then follow your husband’s convictions, but if you have conflicting views – you follow God to the best of your ability.
Acts 5:29 – We must obey God rather than men.
Exodus 1:17 – But the midwives feared God and did not do as the king of Egypt commanded them.
Daniel 3:18 – But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods.
Will this cause conflict – 100%. Which means one, or both of you, is wrong. It’s up to you two to figure out which – hopefully with humble, prayerful study.
The second situation where I think it’s proper not to follow is if following would cause you to hate or resent him.
If following your husband makes you resent him or hate him – then don’t do it. However, the onus then on you is to do some work and figure out why that would be the case.
And in some cases, what you’ve been asked to do might be hateful and abusive. Or, it might just be insensitive and there’s some repair work to be done first. Or, it might be you have a heart issue that needs to be worked on.
If it is a heart issue you need to work on – well, then you better work on it. Don’t make leading you a burden. Biblically, God calls us to be cheerful followers, not begrudging followers.
2 Corinthians 9:7 – Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
Philemon 14 – I preferred to do nothing without your consent in order that your goodness might not be by compulsion but of your own accord.
And Paul echoes this, I think:
1 Corinthians 13:3 – If I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
You should follow, not begrudgingly, not because you feel forced or that it’s required of you, but because you decided in your own mind that this is best. And if you don’t think your husband has your best interests in mind – why did you marry him?
A great question to ask yourself is – would you want to try and lead someone who is behaving like you are? If not – well, then you might want to make some behaviour changes.
Anyways, other than those two situations, wives are commanded to follow, just as men are commanded to love. But, when we focus on what our spouse’s responsibilities are instead of our own, that tends to get us into trouble. Instead, we should focus on what our role is.
Ephesians 5:22 – Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Ephesians 5 never makes either command conditional. It doesn’t say “husbands, love your wives if they submit to you,” and it doesn’t say “wives, submit if he loves you well.” Neither is conditional on the other. You focus on your responsibilities.
Which is why, when a husband tells me “my wife won’t submit”, thinking I’m going to take his side, he’s almost always going to be disappointed, and quite possibly frustrated with my response.
Not because it’s never true, but because it isn’t actionable. Instead, here is a question that is: is there anything in the way I’m leading that’s making this harder than it has to be?
Dig into that, and then fix whatever comes back. Then stop trying to collect a debt – as if she owes you submission in return for your leadership. Leadership is an offer for her to accept or refuse. If the real problem is her heart, or her history, or her health, pulling rank is not going to fix any of those, and the person best positioned to make following you feel safe again is still you – but not by trying to force her to submit.
3. Long-term flourishing over short-term comfort
Adopting a biblical dynamic doesn’t mean every day is going to be sunshine and roses. It doesn’t get rid of every conflict, every struggle, and every hardship. It does clear up some of those, but some you’re just going to have to go through. It’s also going to create some new ones most likely.
Because the truth is, if you’re leading or being led well, then mediocrity becomes uncomfortable. You both want to be better, and being better means making changes – usually uncomfortable ones.
You’re going to want to improve your relationships (with each other, with others, with God), you’re going to want to work on your skills, on your health, nurture your talents, try new things – you’re going to want to grow.
And often the best way to grow is to do things when you don’t want to, or when they feel uncomfortable. For example, my wife likes doing Spartan races. She loves to go and see how strong she’s gotten since the last time. However, what she doesn’t like is training for them – especially running.
So, she asked me to make her train. Specifically, she wanted to get on the treadmill more often. So, I made a rule for her – no TV in the evening unless she’s gone for a run. She agreed when planning, but when the time came around to actually do the running, she was … less enthusiastic.
But, I stayed firm, and made her do it. And by “made her”, I mean I held the line she asked me to hold. I couldn’t have forced her to run, and I wouldn’t have tried – the rule only worked because she wanted it to. At any point, she could have turned on a TV – nothing would have happened.
Still, she would beg and plead and attempt to bargain her way out of it, but I knew that her-in-the-moment didn’t want to do it, and her-at-the-race would be happy she did.
Hebrews 12:11 – For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Some nights she didn’t get to watch TV. Some nights she did. On those nights she didn’t watch TV – I didn’t either.
Then she broke her wrist (snowboarding accident), and this year’s Spartan plans were cancelled, and so the rule had no purpose anymore and was rescinded.
Anyways, the point is – sometimes leading well means asking for something nobody wants in the moment because it pays off later. That requires the leader to actually be focused further out, and it requires the follower to trust that they are.
Galatians 6:9 – let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
That trust comes first, but even then, that doesn’t mean it will be easy. My wife trusted me to hold her accountable. But I still had to stand up to her when she really didn’t want to do it. Because part of me really wants to give her what she wants in the moment. I like making her happy, but I knew it wouldn’t make her happy in the long run.
Long term gains over short-term gratification.
And that’s the model I try to choose over and over again. I can’t claim to be perfect at it – but it’s my goal.
Meal plans over quick snacks. Exercise over lazing about. Farm work over crashing for the day. Sleep over sex on nights when she’s tired. Devotions over sleeping in. Budgeting and saving vs spending. Moving across the country, away from family and friends in hopes of a better life.
Start with small things, then work up to bigger ones.
4. Trust without understanding
As you grow to trust the dynamic more, then it can be pushed more, which can be fun for both.
What I often hear wives want is for their husbands to completely take over some things. No input, no direction, no feedback.
If you think “no, I don’t” – then let me ask “Where do you want to go for dinner on your next date night?” Most will say “I don’t know” or wish their husband would plan a full date night. Book the babysitter, pick the place, pick the movie, some even wish he’d order for her. (If that sounds familiar, I wrote What do wives want? A primer for husbands for exactly this reason.)
Many wives have fantasies about their husband suddenly saying “I booked us a vacation, we leave tonight, everything is taken care of, kids are at the grandparents / I checked with your boss / I hired help for the farm (whatever your life is like), I even packed your bag.”
Now, maybe it’s not all wives, but I’m willing to bet it’s a large majority. However, most also have an immediate panicked thought – what if he picks everything wrong?
This partly comes with trust, and partly comes with understanding that your preferences are not moral absolutes. Just because you have a favourite way of doing something or would pick a specific thing, doesn’t mean it’s the only choice, or the best choice, or the right choice.
If you want the freedom of not having to choose, then you have to let go of the reins a bit and let him choose things you wouldn’t have.
Most marital conflict is not about right and wrong, it is about two reasonable preferences competing. Treating a preference like a moral issue is where a lot of couples get stuck. Those preferences might be about raising kids, about what church to go to, about how the dishwasher gets loaded, what order the chores get done in, or communication preferences and love languages.
We treat our preferences as if they were moral choices instead of simply what we like.
Now, if it is a true moral choice – then go back up to what I said about hierarchies being layered, but for the vast majority of issues in marriage – it’s likely not a moral issue but a preferential one.
This even extends sometimes to not knowing what the plan is. If you want to have a surprise date night or vacation, then ask yourself – could you handle it? Can you trust your husband enough to actually let him do it without consulting you? Or would you demand to be in the loop to make sure he doesn’t do it wrong?
This question of trust (aka faith) comes up many times in the Bible – usually in the form of us trusting in God’s plans. If we can’t even trust God’s plans without questioning – how are we to trust our spouse’s, or our employer’s, or our pastor’s? How many of us demand to be in the know and get annoyed when we’re not kept in the loop?
Hebrews 11:8 – By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out… And he went out, not knowing where he was going.
Isaiah 55:8 – For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
Now that last verse is about how God’s thoughts are vastly superior to ours – but I think it works for preferences as well. How often are our thoughts not the same as our spouse’s, and our ways different as well?
Romans 14:19 – let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
So here’s the test I use: unless it causes real damage, let the preference-level decision happen. Let him plan the date you wouldn’t have planned. Let him load the dishwasher wrong. Let him book the vacation you wouldn’t have booked. That’s not losing – that’s what trust looks like in practice.
This is not a license for abuse
Everything I just said is about preferences – decisions that don’t have a moral right answer. Abuse is not one of those. It is never a preference-level decision, and it is never a “trust him even though you don’t understand” situation.
And sin doesn’t become acceptable because your husband asked for it – or because you both agreed to it. I have sadly seen many couples choose to do immoral things together, and the agreement does not protect them from the consequences. Ask Sapphira.
Acts 5:9 – How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord?
She went along with her husband’s lie and was judged for it anyway. Submission is not a defence for complicity. She was accountable to God for her own agreement – and so are you.
On the other side of it, when real harm is coming, acting to prevent it is faithfulness, not rebellion. Abigail is the model. Her husband Nabal had just insulted David and his men, and one of the servants came to her:
1 Samuel 25:17 – harm is determined against our master and against all his house, and he is such a worthless man that one cannot speak to him.
So she overrode her husband’s decision, because actual harm was coming. And Scripture doesn’t treat her as a rebel for it – she’s the hero of the chapter. That’s the harm test with a face on it.
So if what’s happening in your marriage is causing real damage – to you, to your kids, to your walk with God – the question is not how to submit to it better. Talk to someone outside your marriage. A pastor, a counselor, a mentor – someone safe who can help you see it clearly and figure out what to do next.
5. Using authority means you failed to lead
If you have to invoke your position to make something happen, you have already lost. Authority is what’s left over after trust and communication have run out. Good leadership builds enough of both that you almost never have to reach for it.
“I’m the head of this home” is not a trump card. It’s an admission that you couldn’t persuade her, couldn’t build consensus, and couldn’t be trusted on this one. You couldn’t convince her that your burden is light.
The most common version of this in Christian marriages is the husband who tries to quote the Bible at his wife to make her submit. I’ve rarely seen it work. Now, it can in rare cases under a certain set of circumstances, but far more often, you’re going to meet the warning in this verse:
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” – Matthew 7:1-2 (ESV)
Now, I think people mistakenly use this verse to say we should not judge anything (again – building a theology out of a verse – which means you have to ignore all the others about judging wisely), but instead I think this is a warning:
If you’re not ready to be judged by the same measure that you’re using – then back off. And the way this usually works out is that a husband will point to the Bible to tell his wife she should submit, and she’ll immediately point back to the Bible and tell him she’ll submit when he’s perfect as Christ is.
And honestly, I think that’s fair game in this situation, because if you’re going to try to coerce someone to follow you, then you deserve to get your self-righteousness examined.
Galatians 6:3 – For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
A great question to ask yourself is: Would I be okay being submissive to someone like me?
If not – you might want to adjust some things.
And if you want to see what the alternative looks like, Paul models it. He had real authority over Philemon – apostolic authority – and he names it out loud specifically so he can tell Philemon he isn’t going to use it.
Philemon 8-9 – though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do what is required, yet for love’s sake I prefer to appeal to you.
That’s the model I see in the Bible.
Mark 10:42-43 – “those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them… But it shall not be so among you.”
1 Peter 5:2-3 – “shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly… not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.”
Back to the woman from the video
I started this with a woman who said she’d end her marriage the day her husband found God and joined a patriarchal religion.
And here’s the thing – I don’t think she’s crazy. I think she’s seen it. She’s seen the version where a man reads a couple verses, decides he’s in charge, and starts issuing rulings – no wisdom built, no trust won, no benefit offered. She’s seen the guy who quotes Ephesians 5:22 at his wife and skips the nine verses that come after it. She’s watched a marriage where “headship” meant he got his way and she got to be quiet about it. If that’s what leadership is – I can 100% understand wanting to exit the marriage.
But that’s not what any of this says.
Every principle we just walked through points the same direction, and it isn’t the direction most people assume.
Leadership means you carry more so she carries less. It means you can’t make her follow, and if you’re trying to, you’ve already stopped leading. It means sometimes you’ll call for the harder thing because you’re looking further down the road than she is – and that you’ll go first. It means she gets to trust you on the things that don’t have a right answer, and gets to refuse you on the things that do. And it means the day you have to pull rank is the day you should realize you already lost.
Burden up. Freedom down. Every time.
And if you want a picture of it, don’t go to Ephesians. Go to the upper room.
Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. – John 13:3-4 (ESV)
He had all the authority that anyone could have – and what he did with it was kneel down and wash the feet of the men who were about to abandon him – one of whom was going to sell him out before morning.
Then He told them why:
You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. – John 13:13-15 (ESV)
He doesn’t deny the title. He says it’s accurate. “You’re right, I am your Lord,” and then He uses it to get down on the floor.
So husbands – stop asking whether she respects your authority. Ask whether her life is lighter because you’re in it.
And wives – if he’s actually trying, if he’s trying to take the burden off of you and onto him, then let him. Don’t make him earn every inch of it. You’ll both be freer for it, and he can’t get better at it without practice.
That’s what biblical leadership looks like to me. Not a man standing at the top of the pile. A man underneath it, holding it up, so the people he loves can stand a little taller.
Then go back to Ephesians – because it reads differently from this perspective.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. – Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)
And if you’re reading this and you don’t know where to start, shoot me an email, or book a discovery call. I’d love to help you figure it out.
Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.