Why Don’t I Give My Wife More Massages?

Jay Dee

Why Don’t I Give My Wife More Massages?

Apr 08, 2013

I know that if I want more sex, all I have to do is give more massages, not as a trade, but because it puts my wife in the mood. So, why don’t I do it?

The other day, I had a thought: Why don’t I give my wife more massages?  Seriously.  This isn’t a rhetorical question.  I mean, let’s think about it.  In my marriage (and I’m guessing many more), massages:

  1. Help her relax
  2. Help her transition from “mother” or “teacher” or whatever-else to wife
  3. Help get her in the mood
  4. Help get her ready for more sexual touch
  5. Let me see her body
  6. Let me feel her body
  7. Let me give her pleasure
  8. Usually, lead to better-than-average sex (and our average is pretty amazing already).

And really, you don’t need to be a professional masseuse to do it.  Now, I know, massage therapists put a lot of time and effort into learning their craft, and I am in no way suggesting that the back-rubs I give my wife in any way compare to a trip to a massage clinic, but we’re not discussing the medical pros and cons of massage therapy.  All we’re talking about is taking the time to show your spouse you love them.

Rub their shoulders, neck, scalp, legs, feet (careful if they’re ticklish), arms, hands, legs, anything!  Honestly, it doesn’t much matter what you do.  But as a general guideline: start with non-sexual areas and SLOWLY move towards sexual ones.  In fact, a decent plan is to start as far as possible and work towards your goal.

Fingertips, palms, arms, shoulders, then start again with the scalp, neck, shoulders, upper back, then start again with the feet, calves, legs, and finally (after spending as much time as you can stand on those areas without progressing) work your way to their more obvious erogenous zones.

I’ll admit, it’s a kind of torture having to go slow, particularly when your wife is naked and oiled up in front of you, and occasionally it may happen that they’re just too relaxed at the end and just want to sleep.  I find that to be the rare occasion though (though I’ll admit, it’s a little frustrating when it happens, touching my wife gets me pretty worked up).  But usually, my wife is just so happy and over-the-moon and relaxed that she will basically let me do anything I want to her afterwards.

So, why don’t I do it more often?  I guess because I’m lazy and spoiled:

  • I don’t NEED to do it to get good (even great) sex
  • It does take some effort, which I’m naturally prone to avoid
  • It does take a lot of patience, which I am not naturally inclined to be

So, basically I don’t have a good excuse, let alone a good reason.  I guess there’s only one thing to do…give more massages and get even better sex.

Edited to Add – About a year later, we ended up taking couples massage classes in order to learn how to massage each other better, and it has changed our marriage.

Looking for help?

28 thoughts on “Why Don’t I Give My Wife More Massages?”

  1. Lisa says:

    So, you only give massages so you can get sex? You don’t do it because you love her and want her to feel good?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      That’s not what I was saying at all, but, if you’re selling “give more massages to your wife” to husbands, the sex is generally the best angle to go for. That’s just a reality.

      And, if you are a wife and you think your husband doesn’t want sex after giving you a massage, you might want to check your math. None of us got married to be monks, and for most of us, there is a slim chance we can run our hands all over our wife’s body without thinking about sex.

      And lastly, not just sex, but really good sex! Actually, after a massage, she generally wants sex, so it’s not like I’m trading her something I don’t want to do for something she doesn’t want to do. More like a win-win on either side.

      This was more an discussion with myself to stop being lazy and put more effort into it to get a higher return out of it. But you know sometimes you get in a pattern of just going and picking fast-food meals instead of going home and cooking yourself a really fantastic meal. That’s sort of where we are at the moment. Sex has been sliding towards “how quick can do we do this, we need to sleep” style of sex. Instead of the 2 hour sessions we used to enjoy. I want to head back the other direction, and this was a simple first step.

      I hope that clarified my motives, I guess in short, yes, I was thinking about sex, but not “only” sex. In fact, I don’t believe there is such a thing as “only sex”. There is so much more than that to it whenever sex is involved.

    2. Anonymous says:

      I love to give my wife back massages, then foot massages. Then, then slowly add kisses that move northwards up the legs until she’s ready for her husband to “come into his garden and taste it’s choice fruits”, Song 4:16. Why, so she can relax not worry ’bout a thing while I spoil her till her cup runneth over with satisfaction.

  2. Rena Gunther says:

    I’m screaming a resounding YES!!! And AMEN! My husband is great at this and I’ll tell you–IT! MAKES! ALL! THE! DIFFERENCE!! I do carry tension in my shoulders and neck and this are tends to build up lots of knots. My grandson is a solid as a rock three and I keep him four days a week along with two other little boys. Not to mention I’m guilty of picking up my very solid as a rock six-year-old daughter on occasion. But Joe is great at giving me massages. And he’ll also rub my hand late at night. Sometimes before sleep. Seriously, no other reason. Or after other reasons. You get the point. But I will wholeheartedly agree with you. It relaxes us. It works. Just do it.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Good for your husband! You have a 3 year old grandson and a 6 year old daughter?? … I cannot imagine… my kids are all within 2 years of each other. I can’t even wrap my head around that one.

  3. Lisa Headley via Facebook says:

    lol Yes!

  4. bubba29 says:

    i like to give my wife massages. she likes to receive. there are a few reasons i don’t do it more often. she doesn’t return the favor. she is putting on weight and seeing her completely naked for a massage is becoming a turn off to me. i am starting to resent that i am the only one making an effort to give pleasure and look sexy.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      And have you communicated this to her in a sensitive manner? Does she know? Are you helping and guiding her to be more healthy?

      As for reciprocating. So what? Do it anyways. I hope God never looks down here and says “well, they aren’t reciprocating in their relationship with me, I mean I DIED for them, so that’s it, I give up! Plus, their getting fat, and I don’t like to look at them.”

      1. bubba29 says:

        yes, i have communicated this with her. we have very open communications. i have tried to help her become healthier. you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.

        you are right though. my wife leads in other ways in our household. i lead in the bedroom and i should just accept that role.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          From my perspective, you are the husband, and you should be leading in all roles. You may delegate roles, but ultimately you are the leader of the household.

          And you shouldn’t just “accept” the role, you need to own it, to take it on, to do the job as God intended. To work as if working for Him directly, because you are.

  5. libl says:

    I give hubby massages frequently simply because I want to love and serve him and care for his wellness. And I don’t mean some wimpy, cute, little backrub. I mean, I’ve done research, bought books, and studied massage and worked up strength in my hands to make sure he gets a good one! Sometimes sex comes out of it, sometimes it doesn’t (his choice). What I would love is if a massage for ME came out of it. And JayDee, 2 hour love making session??!! *sigh* I wish! I suggested a night away…just one night…where we’d spend the evening naked at a B&B with a fireplace and jacuzzi in the private suite and just make love in various ways all evening…he looked less than thrilled. He’d prefer the jacuzzi, some cable TV, and a quick 5-20 minute romp before falling asleep.

    I am actually praying that hubby would want to really make love more and not just have sex. It was a 3 year battle just to get him to start taking the time to give me orgasms again! The frequency isn’t what I’d like it to be, but once in a while is better than never!

    So, what’s the matter with him? Laziness, selfishness and lack of maturity. He’s grown exponentially lately, but he doesn’t realize yet what God meant for sex to be between a husband and wife. He doesn’t yet find great blessings in making love to me. It’s still very much a “worldly type pleasure” as opposed to a “Godly blessing” if you know what I mean. More take than mutual giving.

    Anyhow, yes, husbands, PLEASE take the time to do this for your wife if massages are something she’d like. And if she’s rubbing her neck or her back and saying how they’re sore, that’s your cue! I’ve sat down in front of hubby, rubbed my neck, said it was sore, moved my hair aside and he still didn’t get it. And “could you rub my neck/shoulders/back/breasts” usually yields some half-hearted 20 second to 3 minute effort. And yes, sex is ALWAYS available quite willingly. And if not sex, then good food! Sheesh, I may even settle for $$ out of his paycheck every week to go get a professional massage!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, that’s the kind of person I generally am too. Actually, I was on amazon as I wrote this post looking for books to buy on the subject. Can you recommend a good one?

      As for the 2 hour sessions, honestly, that’s how long it used to take from me trying to get my wife interested to DE (delayed-ejaculation) problems. Sometimes after 2 hours she would just say “are we done yet?” It has taken us a long time to get where we are. I want to somehow mix this new attitude towards sex with the old more-relaxed timeline. But we have never had the 2 hours of sexual bliss experience, still working towards that. Sorry if I mislead.

      But I know where you’re coming from. My wife is self-professed to be lazy and selfish in regards to our sexual relationship. And I definitely give out way more massages than I receive. But we’re working on it, and I wouldn’t trade where we are for anywhere we have been.

      I know your position is harder than most of us guys because of the gender-roles being reversed and the stigma attached to that. I wish I had some advice, but your husband’s attitude is so alien to me, I don’t know what to say. You are a prime example of the reason I use the words “generally”, “often” and “usually” when discussion gender stereotypes.

    2. Jerry Stumpf says:


      Perhaps your husband does not fully understand the dynamic differences of romance for the man and woman? Yes he most likely thinks that is takes a different amount of time to get aroused and ready, but does he really understand the critical nuances for a woman verses the immediate release for the man? Romance should take all day and often several days interjected by the sexual acts. Romance is the serving lifestyle we can offer to each other in our marriage. Perhaps his perspective needs to be slightly altered towards your needs? What about an ALL DAY MASSAGE? I am not speaking to a constant pushing or swirling. What about if you were on the massage table listening to good relaxing tunes holding his hand and talking about some very intimate conversations? If he then gave your hands a gentle massage for a few minutes as you considered some topics? He rested and in a few minutes started n other parts? You get the drift? Make it an easy way for him to enjoy your body for a prolonged time. What man doesn’t enjoy touching his wife a lot?

      Keep Cracking The Romance Code! The Best Is Yet To BE!!!

  6. Mary Mikina Greenert via Facebook says:

    My poor husband has carpal tunnel from all the massaging he has done of my neck, shoulders, and feet- don’t know what I would do without him!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Good for him!

  7. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says:

    You are definitely onto something here! 😉

    For wives, massage can help us become more attuned to the physical sensations of our bodies and to let go of distractions and stressors that get in the way of feeling confident about our bodies and open to lovemaking. Whether you “get any” in the end, it’s a nice way to show your love to your wife. But I agree that plenty of couples end up having sex because massage can awaken that desire.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I agree, it is a nice way to show you love your spouse. It was not my intent to detract from that, though it appears many people thought it was. But when arguing with myself (bad at it may sound), it’s more persuasive to say to myself “give her a massage, you’ll get great sex out of it” rather than “give her a massage, because you love her”. I’m afraid I’m just too reward driven still.

  8. Happy husband says:

    I absolutely love giving a massage to my wife and should do it more often and would if she’d have time for it. In the past It often ended with both of us on the table and a pounding good O. But an O is not what makes sex good and libl if your hubby does not want as much sex as you look into “Karezza” as this has changed some of those types majorly. Most men and women want to be treasured and really loved and always going for the over the top O militates against that and drains prescious energy to boot, according to Karezza and I think they have a point!! Jay dee do you know anything about Karezza and if so what are your thoughts?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’ve been seeing Karezza around more and more. To me, it sounds like eastern mysticism, which always worries me when it gets introduced into Christian life. So much of our misplaced theology is based on outside religions, and often we don’t fully understand the extent of the invasion of belief until decades or centuries later.

      But, I will look into it more so that I may post a more knowledgeable response rather than a off-the-top-of-my-head reaction.

      But, I will agree, that orgasm should not always be the goal of every sexual encounter. I wrote a post about that, if you are interested, titled What Is Your Goal?

      1. Happy Husband says:

        Forget eastern mysticism! I am aware of their gibberish and do not buy it. They have no monopoly on sex secrets but I do know this from reading Christian sex bloggers and from my own experiences and the experiences of those I talk to and counsel with! It’s at the Altar of “a more mind blowing O” that most of us worship at and this is a serious mistake and unhealthy physically and spiritually.
        This is physically damaging because we become addicted to dopamine and other neurochemical cocktails that are produced as result of the quick and voluptuous O. Spiritually because sex is performance based and rushed and all about me. It is no longer a sacred shared trust but my right and my demand on the relationship. “Give me” have become the watchwords! This becomes very addictive so that we are hooked on hot sex much like a porn addict is hooked on porn and masturbation. This is destructive to marriage. We have forgotten that relationship and sex are built on loving touch and oneness, not orgasm. This is why the sex industry sells vibrators, techniques and potions and pills. It’s about the hot orgasm and money, not about oneness.
        An O is important but that is “oxytocin not orgasm.” This is where massage can be a blessing unless it is used to get the big fix. There’s nothing wrong with orgasm in and of itself perhaps but let’s not trade 30 seconds of pleasure for hours of energy exchange through soft, slow and tender sex. When the O is past it is pretty much over at least for a while and you’ll need your fix again soon. That’s why I say, try some slow giving love that bonds you together instead pleasuring you apart. A revival in the bedroom starts with giving not getting.
        It thrives on heart sex not hot sex.
        The one is about the journey the other about the destination!
        The one is about a thrilling sense of timeless wonder, the other about rapid movement and intense lustful desire!
        The one is about a comfortable satiated in love feeling the other about extreme neediness and jealousy and depression that’s sucks the life out of the relationship rather than breathing life into it.
        Literally” this so true. I have experienced both and am leaning toward SLOW SEX where a deep heart connection is sought and treasured! You should try it too. Read Peace Between The Sheets and do not buy it all, but be blessed by a perspective that values the relationship more than the Orgasm. Some of it will be very useful to you!

  9. John says:

    I used to give massages all the time. Minimum once a week, mostly several times a week. For about 12 years.

    Never asked for sex afterwards, never even implied it, because we basicaly have a sexless marriage, so I new it wouldn’t work anyways (we didn’t have sex the first 16 months of our marriage, and only about 5 times in 3 years).

    But the fact is, I liked doing it. It at least gave me some feel of connection. At least I got to touch her body in some way. It even benefited me, in a way, since I work with computers and type a lot, and I found massaging actually helped my fingers feel better.

    She never had to ask, I always offered.

    But then I realized, after 600 weeks or so, and something like 1000 massages, guess how many I got in return? 3. That’s right. 3. And I had to ask for them. And I realized I was being used, and got bitter, and stopped. Now I could care less.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I think not caring is a dangerous place to be. I completely understand wanting to feel that connection, and I understand the rejection when it doesn’t get reciprocated, I’ve been there. But giving up is not the answer. As I’ve said before, God loves us as we are, but loves us too much to keep us that way. We have to have the same attitude with our spouses.

      If there is something wrong in the marriage, do not give up, do not bury your head in the sand, so not stop bringing the issue up. To do so would be to accept it and send the message that is it OK. It is not OK.

      So many marriages end because one partner has been suffering in silence for so long and finally they break and demand a divorce (which I don’t approve of), to the utter amazement of the other spouse who thought everything was OK. Why? Because there was no communication of the issue. Keep pressing. Marriage is a team effort, if one loses, they both lose. The only way marriage should be happy is if both are happy.

  10. Sad Husband says:

    I am also a abused husband with a wife who takes advantage. I work very hard which is one form of love I show for my wife. I always have to ask for massage for sore muscles. She will do it, but with haste, and overall I want to get this overwith attitude. I always offer her massages and will spend half hour to an hour. Sex would be nice, but gets old when I have to beg for this also. Sometimes, I just do it to be nice, but it is wounding to my soul when she doesn’t say “thank you” She has slowly became very self centered. Sex is same way, she is a taker, and not a giver. She will glady take an orgasism and leave me hanging.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Have you talked to her about this? Without accusations, shouting, yelling, blame pointing, etc. Just expressing how the situation makes you feel? If not, open up to her, let her know what you are feeling. Use a lot of “I” statements. Try to use “you” as little as possible in the conversation.

      Often our spouses (on both sides of the fence) have no idea what’s going on in the other persons head. And how can they without clear, open, transparent communication? We aren’t mind readers, and neither are our wives.

  11. MJK says:

    It’s so sad when I hear about how selfish some women are, in the bedroom. My DH works hard physically all day. I’m the one who gives the massages. I recently asked for an all over body massage and he gladly gave it to me. It’s 99% of the time that I give them. I have absolutely no resentment at all. It’s my pleasure to give pleasure. He needs massages more.
    It’s too bad that these women don’t see themselves as selfish. Perhaps they got away with it all their lives. I have a friend who confided in me that she has a reward system in place for her husband. He has to “date” her all day before she will allow them to have sex. Phooey! If I ever treated my spouse like that, I would have to repent immediately! I confronted her, and she still stood by her beliefs. Crazy! She’s also been divorce over and over.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I agree, using sex as a reward is not a good system….well, maybe sometimes. Like when it’s bonus sex (on top of frequent amazing sex) for doing something good. I guess I don’t have a problem with sex as a reward, so long as there is sex when you haven’t earned a reward as well.

  12. Mike says:

    Wow!! Lots of great content and comments. Looks like I have to start giving my wife massages!! 🙂

Share your thoughts