16 Confessions of a Marriage Sex Blogger

Jay Dee

16 Confessions of a Marriage Sex Blogger

May 08, 2013

16 things about me and my role in being a Christian marriage sex blogger, in the hopes that it might help you get to know where I’m coming from a bit more.

There seems to be a recent trend of marriage bloggers (particularly in the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association) posting their “confessions” as marriage bloggers.  Most of them seem to be sort of “get to know me” points as well.  So I will attempt to continue the trend.  I realize I’m a little late to jump on the wagon, but I guess never late than never.  So here we go:

  1. I write more for me than for you. By all testing I have had, I am a split introvert/extrovert.  In order to finish my thought processes completely, I first need to think about it, then get it out in some external form.  In the last few years, I have found that writing is a good medium for me.  So, when I’m thinking about something, when I’m going through something, when I’ve had a revelation about something, I write, usually after my brain has looped around the topic for a few days first.  This is why my posting is erratic.  Sometimes I just have a ton of stuff in my head and need to get it out.  Sometimes I’m focused on other things and I find it very hard to “force” a post.  That said, I do feel this is a ministry.  People are being helped.  I believe there is still a need in the community for these topics.
  2. I post anonymously so I won’t feel censored.  It is not because I am ashamed.  And I am not embarrassed.  A couple of my closest friends know that I have a blog about sexuality in marriage from a Christian perspective, but no one, other than my wife, knows the domain name.  But, it is hard to be 100% transparent when you know your mother, sister, friend, might read every word you type.  And I have another non-anonymous blog where they do read and comment on everything I type, so it’s not just paranoia.  Now, I might be able to do it anyway, but my wife is definitely not ready.  I hope one day we will be.  For now, this is what I can do.  I have amazing respect for those bloggers who post explicitly, without reserve using their own names.  And, I’m a little jealous, to be honest.
  3. Our marriage started as a disaster.  Neither of us was happy.  We’ve come to realize now that my wife has ADHD and with that often comes depression.  The first 5 years of our marriage were brutal.  She was constantly depressed, and I was always felt like I was walking on eggshells.  Our finances were a mess, we had almost no sex life to speak of, we weren’t going to church, and we were the only married couple out of our friends.  And we never thought to talk to anyone about it.  We just assumed this was married life.  Thank God we stuck through it.  These days, our finances are under control (we have a big pit to dig out of, but we’re getting there), we are very involved in our church, we have many married friends (though almost all of them are decades older), and well, we have plenty of sex.  And we’re both much happier as a result of all these things.  How we did this is enough content for a book.
  4. I am a recover(ing/ed) porn addict.  That was hard to write.  At age 15 or 16, when the internet was not quite yet realized, but there were networks of computers out there, I realized that I had nearly unlimited access to porn through my computer and its modem.  It was slow and of terrible quality, but I didn’t care at the time.  Actually, I was much more interested in erotic stories than in videos (believe it or not).  It’s been almost two years since I confessed to my wife.  It was easy at first, and I am still just as convicted about not going back, but I’ll be honest, some days are harder than others still.  They say the brain takes 7 years to get over an addiction.  5 more to go I guess…
  5. I have an obsessive personality.  My brain will focus on a topic and I think about it nearly every waking moment for the next 3-12 months, and it’s basically uncontrollable what the next topic will be.  Sometimes they are useful.  A few years ago, my obsession for about 6 months was finances.  I read everything I could find on money, personal finances, stocks, bonds, options, mutual funds, commodities, CFDs, and I would talk to anyone who would listen about them.  This was when our financial life really started to turn around.  I started tracking every dollar that went into and out of our home. We went from giving almost nothing to the church to Tithing (10%) + another 5% in offerings and still had enough money left over.  That was a great obsession.  Another one was theoretical physics.  I learned all about particles, sub-atomic particles, quantum theory, quantum chromodynamics (don’t ask), gluons, neutrinos, string theory (or m-theory).  I learned that the 5 main theories about a 10-dimensional universe all coalesce into a single theory when you add the 11th dimension.  I read everything by Steven Hawking, watched as much Start Trek and Star Gate as I could (they deal with some of these theories in their shows).  This obsession was less practical in my daily life, except to show me just how incredible our God is, and I have some theories on just how He managed to pull of Creation that I’d love to run by Him someday.  I believe our God is a logical God, and that He “cheats” as little as possible.  Why make a universe governed by physics if you aren’t going to utilize said rules.  But, to be clear, I still believe in a young universe theology (though time-dilation due to gravity may play a role in explaining some of the data that makes it appear old).
  6. I own more books than anyone should.  Really.  There are hundreds.  One of my first thoughts, when we moved into our current house (before we had kids), was which room to turn into a library.  Most of my books are Sci-Fi/Fantasy (I spent a lot of time in my teens and early 20s trying to escape from the world).  But lately, they are branching into other topics, particularly the classics, theology and sexuality.  But then, now most of my new acquisitions are on the Kindle platform these days, which takes up far less space.
  7. I don’t understand social conventions.  I get very confused by people who shake my hand every time we see each other.  I thought that was just a formality for first meetings.  I don’t understand people who ask how you are and then either keep walking or look confused when you actually tell them.
  8. I am far more interested in the truth than in making you comfortable.  This one gets me into trouble.  I am obsessed with the truth.  Be that why things are the way they are or the “Truth” as in Theology.  Many people have said to me “You always think you are right.”  Of course I do!  If I thought I was wrong, I wouldn’t be contributing to the conversation, because I’d have nothing of value to add.  That said, if I find out I was wrong, I will immediately do an about-face in my thinking and adjust accordingly, which stuns some people by how quickly I can change an opinion when presented with fact.
  9. I do not get emotionally invested in discussions or arguments.  I once had an argument with someone discussing some aspect of theology, I’m not sure which.  What I do remember is that halfway through the conversation I realized:  She wants to kill me.  Not literally, but she was extremely upset, and I didn’t realize until then (I’m bad at reading these things sometimes).  She was emotionally invested in her side of the argument, and while I thought we were having a fun debate, she was fighting with everything she was.  I have since realized that most people are like this.  They get attached to their argument, and should you attempt to tear it down, they believe you are making a personal attack against them.  I took a good 6 months off of any discussion/debate about theology while trying to wrap my head around this because it was so alien a concept to me.  So, please, if you disagree with me, comment, tell me.  I will not be offended in the least.  Just try not to be offended when I defend my position in return.
  10. I do not look like the picture in the header of the site.  Neither does my wife.  When I created the look for the site, I didn’t even think that people would think it was me and my wife.  I was just looking for a cutout picture of a couple that looked married and happy.  Since then, some people have taken it and used it as a bio pic of me, but that was not my original intent.  Then I needed a pic for Facebook and Twitter and had nothing else to use.  I am planning to replace them with a logo…I just don’t have any graphic design skills to make a logo.  If anyone wants to, please send it over!  I need to solve this at some point, because it feels a little deceptive now that I know how people take it. I’ve since changed the design of the website, so this isn’t applicable anymore.
  11. I suffer from ED from time to time.  And while I intellectually know that’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s still hard to admit.  I believe it is related to my weight (I have a great many pounds to lose).  I lost about 50 pounds and it improved.  Then I gained 30 back, but now I’m actively working on losing another 60.  It was frustrating in the extreme at first.  But, we’ve learned to deal with it, learned some tricks to “get it back” (my wife is pretty persuasive when she wants to be), and when all else fails, learned to let it go, make sure my wife has an orgasm (which is still fun), and try another time.
  12. I used to suffer from DE (Delayed Ejaculation).  This is a topic not discussed much.  Most of the time, people are talking about PE (Premature Ejaculation).  And to them, I’m sure DE sounds like a dream.  But, when you can’t orgasm no matter what you do, I’ll be honest, sometimes PE sounded like a dream.  This has now gone away, and, if anything, I am now working on trying to hold out longer during sex (something I never thought I’d have to do).  I believe it was a side effect of my porn use.
  13. Our sex life has ups and downs.  This should be very apparent from my posts, but in case it isn’t, I thought I’d explicitly state it here.  In our marriage, we have gone from sexless (once a month or less) to daily to once a week, to twice a month, to three times a week, and now we’re probably sitting at about twice a week again.  Right now it’s mostly due to our youngest who still won’t sleep through the night.
  14. I’m still gun shy from my wife’s refusing days.  It’s been almost 5 years since we were in a sexless marriage, but I still anticipate rejection.  I still don’t feel strong enough to handle it most of the time.  And so I don’t ask for sex a lot of the time I’m feeling a need to reconnect.  I know we’d have more sex if I was more intentional about it, but I think I subconsciously sabotage myself a lot of the time because a passive rejection hurts less than the possible active rejection.  And I’m afraid to discuss it with her because she’s made so much progress in this area, I don’t want to feel like it’s “not good enough”.  So, I feel like my options are to suffer in silence or hurt my wife.
  15. I don’t pray as often as I should.  I wish I did.  I can never seem to get into the habit.  I’ve read the Bible cover to cover 3 times, plus a billion selected verses.  I am very focused on theology, I love to learn about God, discuss Him, teach about Him.  But I have never been a “prayer warrior”.  It is probably the single biggest struggle in my spiritual life.
  16. Stats are a double-edged sword.  When I look at the stats of this site, generally three thoughts enter my mind.  Usually first to the forefront is my “self” rising.  It says “Wow, you must be good, look at all the people who want to read what you wrote!”  I try to push that down (some days more successfully than others, I’ll admit).  The second thought is “I’m glad this can help someone.  Let my mistakes help them not to make them.”  And lastly, I usually think “There are so many broken marriages God!  How can we help them all?”  I am not a very emotional person and I’m bad at expressing it, but it’s heart-wrenching sometimes to read the comments, read the emails, read the search queries that lead people to this blog.  We are broken in so many ways, and so many of them have simple solutions early on, but we wait so long to get the help that they become almost impossible missions.  God, help me to prepare my children better than I was prepared.

So, that’s a small insight into me.  I hope this helps frame my future posts.

Looking for help?

10 thoughts on “16 Confessions of a Marriage Sex Blogger”

  1. Jeremy says:

    Just wanted to say thank you for being willing to admit that periodic ED isn’t something that one should be ashamed of, it happens to everyone as you get older anyways. But like yours, mine is also weight related (5’10 and 246 lbs, lost 15 lbs in the past 4 months ), and I’m doing the same thing as you, working on losing the weight 1 day at a time. My wife and I have the same issue in our marriage from time to time and yes it can be very frustrating for both of us and demotivating for me as a husband. But like you guys, we try our best to not make an issue of it and simply move on to making sure she’s happy. It’s hard as a husband to not take it personally when you are “in the moment” and then you either can’t get things going or you can’t keep “it” up long enough to finish the job. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in this issue sometimes :-).

    1. Jay Dee says:

      You’re definitely not alone. Thanks for commenting!

  2. workinprogress says:

    Thank you for sharing. This is one of the best “confessions” lists I’ve seen. I’d be curious to know some of your wife’s tricks for helping to overcome the ED occurances. I can’t seem to help out when this happens. I’d love to have some tricks up my sleeve.
    We’ve noticed it tends to happen if we try for two nights in a row so we try to let 48 hours pass between “sessions”.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’ll try to be intentional about remembering the specifics about what she does and see if I can write a post in the near future addressing ED in general.

      Glad you liked the list!

  3. workinprogress says:

    A post on ED would be great!

  4. Rena Gunther says:

    The thing about me is that I have a tendency to want to respond to every. Single. Point. DETAILS.
    I’ll try to refrain. First of all, I’m grateful for your blog. I’ll say it again and again. I appreciate your honesty. I can only imagine your wife is probably high strung emotionally? Just wondering if that’s true and possibly offsets your personality.

    I’ve seen firsthand how you respond in a “debate” or disagreement. I don’t like to think I’ve debated with you. I believe, at least on one occasion, I presented my side. I am not one to love to engage in debates. I do get too emotionally invested and on most occasions feel it’s been to no avail, no profit to the listener or other person. You, however, are very considerate at least in how we’ve discussed certain topics. Words cannot describe how much I appreciate this.

    You do cover a wide range of topics under the marriage bed. I agree that it’s necessary. I cannot imagine the difficulty at times, the anonymity. But I appreciate it. I also appreciate your wife for her agreeing to allow you to share both of your experiences at least to this degree.

    I realize you did not ask for advice or interjections that suggest how you might “fix” any areas you so vulnerably listed. Please know I never want to do that. I just want to remind you–grace! Grace, grace, grace. Drink it in. Sometimes we Christians miss what our faith started with. Sometimes. I will say that I think it is of the utmost importance that we do know our weaknesses because we can be sure our enemy does. However, it is my prayer that we really cling, get a deeper revelation of–the grace of God.

    Grace to you, Brother!!! He’s using you just where you are. And I’m grateful. Thank you for your willingness to be humble and vulnerable when needed. These are the blogs I love! Nothing phony, no pretense. Just raw honesty. The good, the bad, and sometimes the ugly.

    Keep posting whether erratic or consistent.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I have no complaints if you want to respond to every single point. Go for it!
      Thank you for your kind words.

      I always see value in other people’s perspective, whether I agree or not, whether it’s well-founded or not. The point is, it is someones perspective, and that is reality (that their perception exists, not necessarily that their perception is Truth).

      I am always up for advice, feedback, criticism, whatever you want to call it. I do not get offended easily at all, it happens less that a handful of times a decade. I think that’s part of not being emotionally attached to my arguments. So, feel free, whenever, to write anything you like.

      I’m a little confused by the “Sometimes we Christians miss what our faith started with.” comment. Our faith started with Creation…but I’m not sure how that fits in. Could you enlighten me as to what you meant? I agree, grace must place an important role in our faith. Whatever I write, don’t misunderstand, I believe we are all covered by grace, we but need to accept it (and I do).

      Thank you for your encouragement.

  5. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says:

    You’d be surprised where I got my logo. Remind me to tell you when I go public someday. By the way, I wouldn’t worry about the blog thing with your family. Most of my family knows, and they do NOT want to visit my blog. They are happy I’m ministering to others, but they have no urge to read for themselves. LOL.

    Great confessions list. It’s interesting that those of us who messed up and then figured it out seem to make up the largest portion of marriage bloggers.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Actually, I think you may have told me the story behind your logo before.

      As for my family, most of them would not, but my mother definitely would. She would point out every spelling mistake, grammar issue, and minor tangential point without taking in the main topic. I know, because that is her pattern on my other blog.

      But, that still isn’t enough to stop me. I think, perhaps, the core reason is that I was to share help for people who need it, explicitly, if need be, without violating the idea that what happens in my marriage bed is between my wife and I. Being anonymous abstracts it enough to allow for both. I’m not sure I will ever be able to go public, but I am not closing the door on it yet.

      To your last point: I think it’s because we have seen how bad life is when we “mess up” and when we are free of that, we want others to know that same freedom. To know they are where we were, to know what that’s like, and to not help when we know it is possible, would be unbearable.

  6. Jessica MacRae says:

    I think I’m the same for 1, 8, 9 and 15. I often feel sadder for those I think have a skewed perspective, I don’t usually get emotionally tied in arguments but when I do I often wonder why I cared so much about what they thought.

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