marriage dynamics Archives - Uncovering Intimacy

SWM 158 – Solo Masturbation – When You Remove the Other Person From Sex

Today we’re continuing with our Sex as Worship series, and in this post, we’re going to be talking about masturbation, which is a highly contested argument in Christianity. Is it okay, is it sinful, it is helpful or harmful?

And before I say anything else, I want to share that I didn’t always believe the viewpoint I’m going to share. Also, I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s still an embarrassing topic, and I know I’m going to get a lot of flak for it. People will unsubscribe. Sometimes I get messages saying they hope to see me in hell.

But, I don’t think I can skip it. This is a topic I see damaging so many marriages, so how do I leave it alone?

SWM 150 – Control, sex and marriage

Last month, I watched a great video by Gary Thomas and his wife Lisa on how a controlling spirit can harm a marriage. It got me thinking: In Christian circles, we often struggle to define the difference between healthy leadership and damaging control—both in marriage and in our relationship with God.

Why is it that surrendering to God is seen as good, but demanding control from a spouse is harmful? The key, I believe, is consent and love. When surrender is freely given and motivated by love, it can bring freedom and joy. But when control is forced, it leads to resentment and broken trust.

In this post, I’m sharing some personal stories and lessons we’ve learned about navigating these tricky dynamics in marriage.

SWM 148 – 14 red flags your marriage is drifting towards divorce, affairs or lifelong unhappiness

Have you noticed how quickly disagreements turn into demonization these days? Whether it’s politics, religion, or even marriage, we’ve gotten stuck in a cycle of contempt—where the ‘other side’ isn’t just wrong, they’re evil. And it’s destroying relationships.

I see this in my marriage coaching practice all the time: spouses who’ve spent years labeling each other as selfish, cruel, or hopeless. They roll their eyes, assign malicious motives, and show up just to prove their partner is the problem. Once that mindset takes root, digging out takes months—sometimes years.

But there’s hope. When couples catch it early—before contempt hardens into habit—change can happen fast. Today, I’m sharing 14 warning signs that you’re heading down this dangerous path. Some might surprise you (like sarcasm or ‘harmless’ nicknames), but the last one? It’s the red flag you can’t ignore. Let’s dive in.

SWM 131 – Tips to fight more effectively

Last week, I shared a list of ideas our Couple’s Night group had that helped build a resilient marriage. At the end of the call, we still had some time and started discussing fighting more effectively. Again, the group came up with some excellent ideas I want to share today.

Because fights will happen, I might even say they should happen. When I come across a couple that doesn’t fight in any way – that’s a red flag. It means one or both don’t feel safe in the marriage. They aren’t able to express their views and opinions.

Because if you put two people together for long enough, they will eventually find something to disagree about.

Ideally, a fight won’t involve yelling, screaming, hitting, throwing, or anything else like that, but it’s okay to quarrel.

So, today, we will discuss how to fight more effectively in your marriage so that your arguments can be a source of growth instead of damage.

SWM 106 – Nude pictures, sex toys, asexual wife, wife not in love with me, wish my wife had a bigger butt

Answering Anonymous Questions about Married Sex

Topics:
Is it okay to take nude pictures and videos of each other?
Limon by Minna discount
Asexual wife?
Wife loves me, but isn’t in love with me
Wife isn’t interested in improving our sex life
Wish I married a bigger butt
Secretly feed her ejaculate
Husband says my vagina stinks and tastes bad
50-year-old wife refuses to have sex
Do we need a counselor?

SWM 096 – Why men being submissive is problematic

A post in response to this question:

Hi. I wanted to know if there is any reason that the man can’t be the submissive part sometimes during sex. Because I feel like I want to be submissive from time to time, but I don’t want to ask my wife because it’s an awkward topic.

SWM 088 – My Vasectomy Experience

A reader asked:
Your post about your surgery is 5+ years old…. any updates, additional thoughts, additional things to research? Is there a certain “technique” we should look into (stitches vs something else I read about briefly?) dare I ask, has it affected your faith? We are Southern Baptist raised, and raising our kiddos Baptist/ non-denominational. In other words, denomination is not a factor in this decision. But there are so many opinions out there, I’m at a loss. I know that is what they are, just opinions. At this point, if I spend time in prayer and the Lord brings me peace… I’m going to trust God to give my husband the same peace. If not, we will go another route.
As the wife, even if we are both pro-vasectomy, I just don’t know how our relationship would handle the guilt if something did go wrong….

SWM 060 – Aug 2020 Questions – Negative Self-Talk, Affairs, Manual Sex Troubles and more

Topics include:
Negative Self-Talk
Sex and Midnight Prayer
Is it okay to ask God for a spouse who enjoys anal sex?
How to deal with jealousy
Sex isn’t special after the wife had an affair
Did Jesus ever get married?
Is it wrong to have sex in the same room as another couple?
Is it okay to leave my wife because she can’t have sex?
Should anything go in the bedroom?
Trouble with manual sex
How to keep intimacy alive without sex

SWM 052 – Are Dominance/Submission Games in the Bedroom OK?

A reader asks:
I enjoy calling my husband “Sir” in bed, as we enjoy our submissive/dominant roles in marriage to be played out in sex as well. He felt weird about it at first, but now loves it. I read your post a while ago where you mentioned that humiliation isn’t good for your partner in the long term. Would you consider this to be humiliation? What about the trend to call men “daddy” in bed?

SWM035 – Anonymous Questions from December 2018

It’s been a busy couple of months for our Have A Question page, so I thought I’d get some of these answers out so they don’t pile up too much. If you have a question you’d like answered anonymously, you can ask it there, or just email me at [email protected] (which I prefer) so we can actually get a discussion going and some more context.

How to stop feeling hurt so often

My spouse is in a unique position to hurt me more deeply and more often than anyone else, simply by being in an intimate (not just physically) relationship with me. She knows how to push my buttons better and harder than anyone else, and I