SWM 156 – Pornography, Erotica, and AI Companions – When You Replace the Person with a Fantasy

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Pornography has become ubiquitous.  You can access it for free from any smartphone – in fact, you have to often pay to use tools or buy a “not so smart” phone to make sure you don’t get it accidentally.  Erotica now is so widely accepted that women in church talked about how much they enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey when the books came out, and now so called “spicy” books are considered healing, empowering and a common recommendation for wives struggling with low desire.  And now AI girlfriends and boyfriends are being advertised – and the unique selling proposition for many of them is just how sexual they’ll be.

The Appeal of Intimacy Without Risk

And according to much of our society – this is amazing.  It’s sex without any downside at all. No risk, no burden of a relationship, just on-demand eroticism, even a romantic partner in a box, who is there when you want them, but with an off-switch for when you don’t.

No rejection, no responsibility, no vulnerability required.  Because all those things are scary, and they can hurt, and they’re a part of life that people are becoming intolerant of.  More and more, people are gravitating towards relationships or alternatives that don’t involve vulnerability.  They can’t quite cut the need for other humans out yet, they still feel lonely and anxious without them, but with the advent of AI – that’s also starting to shift.  We see more and more people moving from hookup culture to digital-only relationships.

Desire was Designed for Real People

The problem is that we were not designed to work with synthetic relationships.  We were designed to have real relationships with real people because our God also wants real relationships with real people, and we are made in His image.

Not only were we designed to have relationships with real people, but they were intended to be intimate – vulnerable, hiding nothing, holding nothing back.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. – Genesis 2:24-25

I think this is why the biblical euphemism for sex is “to know” – it was meant to be such an intimate and vulnerable experience with someone that everything that you are is laid bare, physically and emotionally.  You are meant to be fully known by someone, and fully know them.

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, ‘I have acquired a man from the LORD.’ – Genesis 4:1

This was God’s intent for us, and, as we’ve been discussing in this series on Sex as Worship, when we worship, when we give God worth, we believe and enact His plans for us.  Deviation from that plan then is the opposite – it is telling God, “You know what – I know better”.  We decide we want to be God, because we think we have a better way of doing it.

From Incarnation to Illusion

And you can tell God is serious about real relationships.  Prior to the fall, He spent time with Adam and Eve in the garden; when they fell, His first action was to go to them, to be present with them.

And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. – Genesis 3:8

And God has continued to push a “real relationship” agenda with us since.  In Exodus, the second commandment is that we make no images of Him.

You shall not make for yourself a carved image… you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. – Exodus 20:4-6

Why? Because He doesn’t want us to try and build a synthetic relationship with an inanimate object – He wants a real relationship with us, in the same way that we should have a real relationship with others – especially our spouse – because God has chosen to use our relationship with our spouse as a living metaphor of His relationship with us.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. – Ephesians 5:31-32

And this continued right through – including Jesus coming down to earth.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth. – John 1:14

Porn, erotica, AI companions, and likely, in the future, robotic ones as well, are a rejection of God’s mandate of having real relationships – especially with our spouse.  We use a stand-in instead.

Who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. – Romans 1:25

Pornography and Erotica – Training Desire on Fantasy Instead of People

Porn, erotica, AI companions, and in some cases, even sex toys, they replace a human with an image of that human (in some cases literally, in others figuratively).  We boil it down to the pieces we want, and then take that part, and only that part.

And the problem is that it creates a fantasy of a relationship rather than a real one, in similar ways to the other posts in this series.  You sidestep conflict and vulnerability, but because of that, you also miss out on intimacy and trust, that sense of being known, being accepted, being loved.  You create a lover who never resists, never disappoints, never requires compassion, grace, or selfless love.  You can focus entirely on selfish love – how you want it, when you want it.

It’s no wonder that there is a correlation between all these activities and struggling relationships later on.  You’re training your brain to be an uncaring partner, a selfish partner, and an impatient partner because you’ve turned love into something you can consume rather than something you cultivate.

Real relationships are slower, they’re harder, they take nurturing, trust takes time to grow, intimacy takes time to build, you have to train your spouse how to love you, and train yourself how to love them.  We have to deal with the rest of the world we live in – as well as the world they live in.  At times, that can feel unrewarding, and there’s no pause button or off switch to skip by that until you want them again.  You have to work through it in order to get to the depth we are all searching for.

Why This Is Spiritually Dangerous

This has implications in our worship as well.  I think one of the reasons God equates marriage to a relationship with Him is that it requires a lot of the same skills and habits.  It takes time.  It takes intentionality.  It takes being open and vulnerable.  Intimacy and trust build slowly.

But with these distortions of a relationship, we build none of those components.  Desire turns inward and becomes all about ourselves rather than learning to look outward and care for others.  Instead of giving of ourselves, we only seek to feed ourselves.  

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

As the gen Z kids might say – “We think we’re the main character,” and gen alpha kids would respond, “And you’re not Him, bruh.” (Does anyone else hear “bruh” 100+ times a day now?)

And this is a problem because when we seek to feed our own desires – there is nothing good in them.  We focus inward and feed our sinful nature rather than looking to God’s perfect nature and dying to our own.

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. – James 1:14-15

Porn, Erotica and AI Companions aren’t “harmless”

Often the objection to saying that porn, erotica and AI companions are sinful is that it’s harmless, no one is getting hurt.

This has long been the defense of porn, and it’s always been false.  In some cases, the lie is obvious – the porn industry is rife with the abuse of actresses.  However, even in the case of so-called “ethical porn”, and erotica and AI (which don’t have actresses), the external harm isn’t the only thing to consider.

Porn, erotica and AI companions reshape your sexual identity

These activities shift your sexual identity.  They reshape your desires and retrain how we relate to people.  Just because it’s private and involves no external entities in the consumption doesn’t mean it doesn’t harm us, or the people around us by how it shapes us.

Regardless of your method of consumption (porn, erotica or AI), these activities flood the brain with dopamine tied to novelty.  Over time, this dulls your response to normal sexual stimuli, and causes the users of these to need more extreme or novel content to achieve arousal.

This is a well known response to porn. The content is shifting to more and more extreme sexual practices, but it also happens with erotica – watch some TikTok videos about “spicy novels”, and those who have been reading them a while will even warn the newbies off of some of the darker books – not because they think it’s wrong, but because it’s too jarring at first.  You need to work your way up to it.  They know that it’s not something the uninitiated can handle – they need to have been exposed to lower levels of distortion in order to be able to tolerate it, and then enjoy it.

And this is using what is a God-given mechanism in a disordered way.  We should be adapting ourselves to our spouse, growing with them, our preferences shifting to make us better lovers for each other.  Instead, users of these shift their preferences, not towards their spouse (present or future), but rather towards the limits of what society will tolerate – and that limit is shifting further and further outside of what is safe.

Porn, erotica and AI companions reduce relationship satisfaction

These methods of fantasy consumption also reduce relationship satisfaction because you’re living in a fantasy.  This is actually a problem not just with erotic content, but non-sexual romantic movies also do the same thing.  We see a fantasy of a partner, without any of the negatives, and then we look at our spouse and think “Why can’t they be more like that character?” and yes, we know it’s scripted, or just a snapshot of real life, or even an AI that’s using pattern recognition to match our desires, but our brain still takes it in and starts a comparison.

Both Porn and Erotica have long been shown to decrease sexual satisfaction over time – because the further our fantasy drifts from our spouse, the more we perceive our spouse as lacking.  This leads to emotional withdrawal, resentment and reduced empathy as we see our experiences with them as increasingly disappointing or insufficient.

When desire is trained on fantasy, real people do not fail – they are simply compared to an unreal standard they cannot match.

Porn, erotica and AI companions weaken empathy and increases objectification

The more we disconnect sexual arousal from an interaction with a person that we care about, the more we tend to evaluate our spouse based on their performance, appearance or availability rather than seeing them as a whole person with many facets to our relationship.

And spouses struggle enough with sex drive differences and thoughts of “you only want me for sex” that we don’t need to exacerbate that by actually making it true.

Because sexual fantasy trains control, not love.  These are partners that never resist, disappoint, or require sacrifice, unlike a real person.  Your desire becomes oriented around control and predictability.  Real love requires patience, negotiation, and vulnerability.

Love requires seeing your spouse as a subject, not an object, but porn, erotica and AI companions train consumption of an object rather than the mutuality of a real relationship.  We should train for the partner we wish to have, or else we’ll find ourselves with our training partner – in this case, you’ll be left alone to your porn, erotica and AI partner instead of a human.

Because fantasy doesn’t prepare us for intimacy – it prepares us for frustration with real people.

Porn, erotica and AI companions increase loneliness and anxiety

The objection of “well, I don’t have a spouse yet” doesn’t help, because while these fantasies feel like they provide some relief, they don’t provide connection.  Over time, this reduces the motivation to pursue real relationships.  Users of all three report loneliness despite frequent sexual stimulation – because what they want is a relationship – not just sex.

What’s often seen as a coping mechanism becomes a crutch that they become dependent on, and so it actually deepens the pain it promises to relieve.

Fantasy soothes loneliness without healing it.  Over time, they make real connection feel harder, not easier.

Porn, erotica and AI companions intensify conflict avoidance

All of these methods are built on a simple premise – give you what you want, when you want it.  There is no conflict, unlike in a real relationship.  Because all healthy relationships have conflict.  AI in particular simulates affirmation and responsiveness and aims to have you form emotional attachment without reciprocity or accountability.

It trains you to be conflict avoidant, because the longer you go without conflict, the less comfortable you are with it.  I’ve had coaching clients who have never had a fight in decades long marriages – that’s not healthy.  In every case, they were on the brink of divorce – not because they fought, but because they never fought.

We need to learn how to manage conflict – not avoid conflict.  Conflict should be welcome as an opportunity to learn about your spouse – not something to be avoided or swept under the rug.

Common Rationalizations for Porn, Erotica and AI companions

On top of these, there are some common rationalizations I hear about all of these that I want to hit as well.  I’ll hit these rapidfire as we’ve already laid the foundation to dismiss them all.

“It’s better than cheating or acting out”

It’s not – you aren’t avoiding cheating – you are cheating, and you’re training yourself for in-person cheating.  Porn, erotica and AI companions will help you distance yourself from the real relationship, make you less satisfied with your existing relationship, and objectify a new partner to make it “only about sex” or whatever it is you’re currently missing.

You’re just easing yourself into more infidelity.  It rehearses it mentally and emotionally.

“I’m not lusting after a real person. It’s just a character.”

This is especially common for erotica, anime porn or AI companions, however it misses the point.  Your desire is being trained towards control, fantasy and consumption rather than mutuality and love.  The object might be fictional, but the formation is real, as is the impact to your real relationships – or the barriers you’re putting up to form them.

“This helps me cope with loneliness, stress, or unmet needs.”

Porn and fantasy offer the promise of immediate emotional relief, however relief is not the same as healing.  This is the equivalent of getting addicted to pain medication rather than getting the underlying issue resolved.  Fantasy soothes symptoms while deepening the underlying wound by teaching avoidance of real connection.

“My spouse doesn’t meet my needs.”

I hear this one a lot, however this, again, doesn’t solve the problem.  There is a conflict in your marriage that needs to be addressed.  Sidestepping it doesn’t deal with that conflict.  If your spouse is acting in sin, by gatekeeping or refusing intimacy, the answer isn’t infidelity (with a real or fictional person or people) on your side.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  

You’re enabling your spouse’s sin and then doubling down by engaging in your own.  You’re treating sin like a dessert, and it’s “not fair” if your spouse gets to sin and you don’t.

“It’s normal. Everyone does it.”

And it’s true – more and more of the world does.  Up to 95% of men, and 70% of women will engage with porn.  About 70% of men and 35% of women (that number keeps going up) on a weekly basis.

What’s also normal is infidelity, divorce, and marital dissatisfaction.  It’s no wonder.  Normal doesn’t mean healthy – widespread practices can still be destructive.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. – Romans 12:2

“This is about sexual repression or shame.”

Those who try to hold to a biblically informed life will often be called prude, sex-negative, repressive, and more.  When people call me these things, it makes me laugh, because, well, I have over a decade of writing about just about every sexual practice under the sun.  I even have a list of literally hundreds of sexual practices that a husband and wife can engage in that don’t violate biblical principles (so far as I can tell anyways).

But as soon as you draw any line – that must mean you’re anti-sex. But the Bible isn’t anti-sex, it’s anti-counterfeit intimacy.  God created desire, intimacy and sex – but pornography, in all its forms, distorts that creation.

“I can separate fantasy from real life.”

No, you can’t.  Neuroscience shows us over and over again that what gets your brain, gets you.  Our brain does not distinguish well between fantasy and reality.  It doesn’t even distinguish well when we’re acting out the fantasy vs doing it for real.

For example, do you know that if you hold a pencil between your teeth with your lips closed – you’ll likely feel negative emotions, but if you hold it and don’t let your lips touch it – you’ll likely feel positive emotions.  Why? Because one forces a frown and the other forces a smile.  You don’t even need to know what you’re acting out (a frown or a smile), the simple act of your fact moving in that configuration is enough for your brain to go “oh, I must feel like this”.

We are terrible at separating reality from fiction – the vast majority of the problems in our relationships are due to fictions we create in our own minds.  This is why the first rule in marriage coaching for my clients is:

Assume your spouse loves you. – Because too often we decide they don’t, and that assumption impacts every perception we have about them.  What they say, what they do, what they don’t say or do.  If you assume they’re malicious – you’ll interpret their actions as malicious.  If you assume they’re loving – you’ll interpret their actions as loving.  The actions don’t change.  Our grounding to reality is tenuous at best.

What if you’re been using porn, fantasy and AI companions?

Stop – immediately.  Chances are that that’s going to be hard to do, especially if you have been for a long time.  It’s hard to stop.  You’ll likely feel some depression because you’ll have cut off the supply of dopamine from these sources.

Ideally, you tell your spouse that you’ve been struggling with it, and they can help support you.  I understand that can be difficult though – some spouses aren’t able or willing to forgive that sort of break in trust.

But you’ll likely not do it alone.  Get an accountability partner, talk to a pastor or elder, get a coach.  

Then refocus your attention on your spouse.  Retrain your brain to learn to love them.  It’s not going to be quick, and the longer you’ve been addicted to these things, the harder it will be, and longer it’s going to take.  But, our brains are very malleable – that’s the problem with these mechanisms, but it’s also the path forward – you can change how your brain works.  

*Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things.” – Philippians 4:8

Healing involves training desire back towards presence, covenant and embodied love.

Because you were made for more than illusion and fantasy.  You were created to have real, deep, intimate relationships – especially with your spouse.  If you’re not, then there’s work to be done, not distractions to avoid the lack thereof.

Fantasy always promises intimacy without pain, but only reality can deliver intimacy with meaning. God’s design is harder, riskier, but far more satisfying. This is what we were built for.