SWM 059 – Anonymous Questions from June and July 2020
Today we’re answering questions from our Have A Question page that we received in June and July. We have questions about a wife falling asleep during sex, a bunch of questions about penis size insecurities, why blowjobs can make you nauseous and what to do about it. Also, why single people should still remain celibate in today’s culture, how to deal with a husband who is overly sexual and how do you deal with a spouse who is screaming at you.
First thought I wanted to mention that we’re currently running a short survey about how you like sex to be initiated in your marriage. It’s just a few questions and only takes a minute or two. If you haven’t filled it out yet, check it out at https://uncoveringintimacy.com/latest-survey.
And now, on to the questions.
Question 1: Wife keeps falling asleep during sex
Hello, I’m a 50 year old male married to a 42 year old female. We have two boys ages 6 and 4. I have the higher sex drive between the 2 of us. In the past, I’ve discussed, asked, argued, written her a letter regarding our sex life. Unfortunately, things have not changed much. I know she had told her friends in the past that she is very sexual. I’ve never really been on the receiving end, even before we had kids. The last 2 times we’ve been intimate she has fallen asleep. The first time, I went down on her and brought her to orgasm. As I was laying next to her with my mouth by her vagina, she reached out and started to fondle me. Twice she stopped and the second time I heard her snore. I took her hand off of me and told her good night. She got mad that I was annoyed and we had sex to completion. 4 days later, as I was going down on her, she fell asleep. I again stopped and put a pair of sleeping shorts on and got back in bed. With my back to her, she was kissing my neck, trying to fondle me and eventually got me onto my back. She mounted me and was kissing me. She doesn’t really like to kiss after I’ve gone down on her. After about 10 minutes she rolled us so that she was on her back. We continued for another 15 minutes. She started to talk dirty which she also doesn’t do. Eventually she asked if I was close and I said no. My brain and penis were angry. She got annoyed that I wasn’t going to orgasm and asked me to get off of her. I have not really spoken to her in over 13 hours. I’m upset, humiliated and I feel rejected. Am I wrong (justified) to feel this way?
So, let’s break this down:
- She’s clearly exhausted if she’s falling asleep during sex, yet, she’s not turning you down for sex.
- Yes, she fell asleep, but she did her very best to recover, even going so far as to push through some of her typical boundaries.
- You got upset because she’s exhausted and you didn’t appreciate the effort she was putting in.
- She got frustrated because she pushed through some boundaries, allowing herself to be vulnerable, but it wasn’t getting you aroused. So, she probably felt upset, humiliated and rejected.
- Then you ghosted your wife, who you vowed to love, no matter what, for 13+ hours.
Feelings are feelings. You can feel however you like and justify it. The question I’m far more interested in is – is it profitable to feel this way. From my perspective, you’re neither justified nor is this profitable. Personally, I’d say you owe her an apology, but maybe I’m reading it wrong.
As one of our supporters said in the forum while discussing this she’s 42 with 4 and 6 year old boys. When my eldest was 6 and my second was 4, I was only 31. I also had a 2 year old and a newborn, but it wasn’t that bad. I mean, it’s tiring, but not terrible. As I get older, it gets harder and harder to keep up. I couldn’t imagine being 42 with a 4 and 6 year old let alone 50.
It might be worth a conversation about getting some more sleep – or maybe starting sex earlier in the night. We don’t start sex after about 10:30pm at night because it’s just too late.
But if you’re going to continue to feel upset, humiliated and rejected when your exhausted wife seems to be still making an effort to maintain a sexual relationship with you – I think you’re not going to have that problem for much longer, because she’s going to stop trying. I mean, why would she continue if you’re not going to appreciate the effort?
Question 2: Is it possible to orgasm without cumming?
As a female, is it possible to orgasm without cumming?
Cumming is a synonym for orgasm, so no. But I’m guessing you’re asking if it’s possible for a female to orgasm without ejaculation. I actually did a survey about this a while back. You can find the results here if you’re interested.
Of our respondents, 37% said that they (or their wife) has experienced female ejaculation.
So, that means the majority of women have not. So, yes, it’s entirely possible.
Question 3: Wife wants bigger toys
Recently my wife has asked to introduce a variety of toys into our sex life. I do see these as enhancements to her pleasure. Last week she had a fair amount to drink at a small wedding reception and later that night she told me I’m not big enough for her and I never have been. It kind of hurt. And That’s when the type of toys she asked for made more sense. Do you have any advice on how to accept these even though I feel like (and now know) I’m not enough for her.
I have a few thoughts here. The first is – have you had a conversation about it while she’s sober. Drunken confessions are not always reliable. Secondly, what does “not big enough for her” mean? Not big enough to enjoy? Not big enough to orgasm? Not big enough to be optimal? Those are all radically different things. Does she have experience with other penises that cause her to think this way? Is she watching porn that tends to showcase those individuals who are extremely well endowed?
The majority of women don’t orgasm from penetration, so size doesn’t make a big difference. Everyone disagrees on exactly what percentages, but only somewhere between a quarter and a third of women tend to orgasm from penetration alone regularly.
One theory is that the distance between the vaginal opening and the clitoris plays a huge part in this. There are positions that can help bridge that gap, such at the CAT position (coital alignment technique). ChristianFriendlySexPositions.com calls it “Grinding the Corn”.
As well, the majority of the nerve endings in the vagina are in the first 3 inches of the vaginal canal, so length doesn’t play a large part in pleasure either. That said, girth can. But just because you enjoy something larger, doesn’t mean a less girthy penis isn’t going to bring pleasure or orgasm.
My point is – I doubt your penis is the problem. I think attitudes are, on both sides. What she said was incredibly cruel and hurtful. But, as you said, she was drunk, and the testimony of a drunk person is extremely suspect. So, again, I’d have a conversation about it while you’re both sober, ask her about it and then if still want to pursue things to give her a “fuller” feeling, you can always check out penis sleeves – These go around your penis to give it extra girth. I personally have never tried them, but someone in our supporter form suggested them, and I’ve had others email their positive reviews about these types of products in the past as well. Married Dance carries a few of them which you can find here.
My worry is that this might just add to your feeling of inadequacy though, which I personally think is likely untrue.
You can also try fisting, which is the practice of inserting your entire hand into the vagina. Just to be clear, it’s poorly named. Don’t make a fist and try to shove it in. My understanding is you have to make more of a “duck” shape with your hands – like if you were going to make a duck shadow puppet. Some women really enjoy this activity because of the feeling of fullness. The nerve endings around the vaginal canal respond to pressure, so, for some, a large amount of pressure is pleasurable. It takes a lot of lube and patience from what I’m told, but so some really enjoy the feeling.
And lastly there are butt plugs – these put pressure on the vaginal canal from the outside, but give a similar feeling and will push against your penis during vaginal sex, which would make it feel more girthy.
But first, I’d start with a sober conversation.
Question 4: How do I handle my wife screaming at me?
How do I handle my emotions, feelings and hurt after my wife was screaming at me and calling me names?
Last night right before my bedtime, unfortunately I work at 2:30am and I need to be in bed by 7, my wife unloaded on me. Telling me how I don’t do anything for her, the family, the house. I work hard and after an 11 hour day I need to rest. I do try to help where I can, I also do other things she is unable to do. Like fixing things with the house and cars. Seems like I’m always fixing something as it is. She resorted to calling me names like “baby, spoiled” and many others like the F, A and S words. She screamed and yelled the entire time and wouldn’t let me say a word. I know this isn’t grounds for divorce but I am very hurt and really don’t know how to go on. I’m at work now and don’t want to go home. She apologized in a text and blamed it all on the world and the situation we are all in now. She never mentioned the world or situation while I was being reamed, just my apparent inadequacies. Thanks
I have two thoughts here:
The first is – why would you just sit there and let her yell while you’re being hurt? That’s not a loving thing to do. Next time, I’d just say – “Dear, this conversation is not productive. I need to sleep right now and you need to calm down. If you’d like to pick it up tomorrow when you’re clear headed and have control of yourself, I’d be happy to discuss our marriage dynamic and any issues you see with it. But for now, I’m going to bed.” And then you walk away.
That’s not shutting down, it’s not running away from it, it’s setting a boundary that “this is not a good time for this, nor the proper mental context for such a discussion”.
She’ll probably not like that, but she’s already angry at that point, so not much lost there. At least you can get some sleep and perhaps you can have a productive conversation later.
Secondly – she apologized over text, but then what happened? Did you discuss it? I find it completely believable that the current situation is a catalyst for what happened and definitely could have exacerbated it even without her mentioning it. In fact, I’d find it odd that she would mention it during the incident. However, there’s likely some seed that started all this. Likely she’s unhappy about something in your marriage dynamic and that should be addressed.
I think that conversation is how you move forward. She’s already apologized, so you know she feels bad about what she did – but you also need to fix whatever kicked it off. That might involve changes in your behaviours, or changes in her perspective, or both.
Question 5: Clone-a-willy
I was trying to find one of your original blog posts from back when this was “Sex Within Marriage”. Maybe my search skills aren’t up to snuff. I was looking for the one on sex toys. It’s been a while, so my memory may be a little off, but I seem to remember one of the most prominent reasons for not using more realistic toys is because they’re based on someone other than your anatomy. This, it seems, was received as like having sex with someone other than your husband.
A few years ago, there was a new product that came out called “Clone-a-Willy”. Yep, you guessed it, now you can make a toy molded from your husband. You don’t need a friend in prosthetics or prosthodontics dept any more to make one. All the things you need are in the kit except the model. This may open some people up to trying toys. I’ve seen a few posts on toys since then but nothing that covers this product. It is available from the Marriage Dance website. Just thought I’d mention it.
Yep, they’ve been around for a while. I think I might have mentioned them here and there. For those that are interested, here’s the link on Married Dance.
Question 6: Blowjobs make me nauseous
My husband loves them, and I don’t mind doing them for him. But he has been badgering me to swallow. It happened once by accident and left me sick for hours on the verge of vomiting. The taste, temperature, texture, and smell are not even remotely pleasant to me.
Anyway, I would like to try it at least once more but I have no clue what to do at this point. I’ve tried deep throat spray but it wears off very fast. Changing his diet has not changed any of the above.
Any other things we could try?
Semen is rather alkaline, so when it hits your stomach, it releases more acid in order to counteract that. It’s quite possible that it’s the extra acid that’s causing the stomach ache. It’s not uncommon. The common solutions are:
- Eat before giving a blowjob – an empty stomach seems to make the issue worse for many people.
- Try taking something like Zantac which decreases stomach acid production – some say that helps a lot.
- Give it time – eventually your body will adjust. Most people say that they used to have the same effects, but eventually it just stopped happening.
I would say try 1 & 2 while you wait for 3 if you’re intent on pursuing this.
Things that tend to help the taste are abstaining from meat, dairy, alcohol, cigarettes, and asparagus. You can also try eating pineapple juice. He can drink more water to help with the texture. If that doesn’t work, you can try a three day water fast or fruit only diet if he’s willing to go through the trouble for a blowjob.
Question 7: Do men who take ED meds tell their wives?
Do the wives of men who are taking an erectile dysfunction drug know their husband is using it?
If they do know, what do they think about that?
If the husband is keeping it a secret, why is he?
I don’t think I know of a stat for this. All the supporters in our forum who are using ED meds discuss it with their wife. In most cases, I would suspect the wife knows. The medications all need a bit of a heads up, so timing becomes an issue if you aren’t discussing it. Plus they aren’t over the counter medications – so you have to hide the doctor’s visit as well as the pharmacy visit and then the drug as well as taking it. That’s a lot to manage and keep in secret.
However, I could see a husband wanting to keep it a secret if he’s embarrassed about it, or if he’s afraid that him not being able to maintain an erection will make his wife feel like she’s not attractive enough. I’m not saying that’s a good idea, I still think open communication is better, but I could see the rationale behind it.
Question 8: Why should single people abstain from sex?
Why should single people older than 25 bother with abstaining from sex? The Bible was written in a cultural context where it was relatively easy to get married and the average person could have a reasonable expectation of being married by their early 20’s. In the Bible, Paul advises that single people with strong sexual desire should get married. That’s reasonable. But only if you assume that marriage is easily entered into. Paul has no advice for a single person who would like to be married but finds that marriage just isn’t an option right now. Indeed the notion of a single person being unable to find a spouse seems to be totally foreign to the Bible. The Church’s demand that single people act like they’re asexual until they’re 30 or older is based on Biblical advice from a very different context. One where remaining unmarried past 30 wasn’t a common situation. The dating market is broken and unless the Church can fix it, then then it will have to carve out a space where some kind of sexual activity can be allowable for unmarried people. If single people are sexual beings with sexual drives then how can sexuality be designed only for marriage?
Let me first say that it sounds like you’re putting up a false enemy here so you can tear it down and get your way. The church is not in your way here – you have a conflict with God. The church is only following His commands as best as they can. Your ultimate argument is that God inspired the Bible and didn’t think about your specific situation and you think His commands are unfair to you, personally, and so you want a rationalization for why you can ignore God’s commands and do whatever you want.
And many people in the church will tell you that the answer is simply “because God said so” and that’s enough for them. But, that’s clearly not enough for you, so let’s dig a bit deeper.
Why does God tell us to abstain from sex outside of marriage? Well, we don’t know exactly. The Bible doesn’t tell us. But I think we can make some educated guesses:
Firstly, we seem to have been designed that sex bonds two people together. When we have sex, our brains release many different chemicals that change our behaviour. Dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, norrenepherine, serotonin, and many other chemicals play various roles in making you invest in the person you’re with. They make you feel good, they make you feel cared for, they make you feel like you want to protect them, they make you hyperfocus on the other person. They are designed to glue a couple together.
Frankly, what we call a “legally binding marriage” is really just a representation of what our bodies are already doing – binding us together, stronger than any law can.
I spend a fair bit of time around the internet reading people’s questions about sex, seeing what the world is up to, where things are going, and time and time again, I see people try to get into “friends with benefits” situations only to have them turn into a relationship – often marriage! People are always asking things like “how do I stop falling in love with my hookups” or “if I catch feelings, do I have to break off a friends-with-benefits relationship”, or “why do I miss this guy I’ve only slept with once”.
The world is trying to separate sex from relationships, and it’s failing miserably. Why? Because it wasn’t intended to. They’re going against their Creator and losing.
So, that’s reason number one – because our brain is designed to have sex in marriage.
The second reason is that our psyche is also designed for it. The other thing I see a lot out there, as well as the questions I get directly, is that previous sexual relationships really mess people up. They cause guilt, shame, confusion, jealousy, insecurity and generally just a lot of pain. In fact, you’ll see that in the next question I answer.
We generally don’t handle our spouses having previous partners well. God is a jealous God, and we are made in His image – I think we’re designed to be jealous of our spouses. We want someone who has only been with us and will only ever be with us.
And yes, I know, divorce and death don’t always make that happen, but why would you want to add to that on purpose?
I once had a high-school teacher say “you know, sex isn’t THAT good” and I remember thinking “I think you’re doing it wrong”. But, now I think I see where he was going – sex is not good enough that having it prior to marriage is worth the potential pain you’ll experience once you’re married as a result.
And just in case you’re thinking “well, if most friends-with-benefits end up in a relationship and many married, why not just do that?”
That leads me to reason number three. We don’t think straight when we’re having sex. Again, I think that’s by design.
Proverbs 5:19 – A loving doe, a graceful deer– may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
This is the only time the Bible ever says it’s okay to be intoxicated, and it’s not with alcohol, but by love. Actually, the Hebrew is a bit stronger and say that you should “err continually” in other words, you should be so enraptured by your wife’s breasts that you’ll make stupid mistakes.
In a marriage – that’s okay. But when you’re dating, or engaged, that’s a recipe for disaster. Prior to marriage, you need a fairly level head on your shoulders so that you can wisely determine if the person you are dating is a good match – that they have the same goals in life, the same passion for God, whether you both want kids, or not, where you want to live, what live will look like.
But, if you’re having sex, there’s a good chance you’re going to act stupidly. You’ll be so infatuated, you will miss or rationalize away all the red flags.
Sex is good, and awesome and amazing and a blessing. It’s also dangerous in the wrong context.
Whether it’s easy or hard to get married is besides the point – it doesn’t change the risks involved.
But, if you feel the dating world is broken – then do something about it. Host a singles night at church. Invite other churches in the area. Get single Christians together so they can meet. Start a Bible study for singles. Or a games night for singles. Do something, don’t just sit there saying “well, the church broke the single dating market, so they have to let me have sex until they fix it”.
The church doesn’t have the authority to give you that leeway, and even if it did – it wouldn’t help you. Because while breaking God’s rules does have an impact in that you start a pattern of behaviour of hardening your heart against God – the simple fact is that even if it wasn’t a rule – the practical natural consequences would still be there. Noone, not me, the church, or even Jesus, could say “go ahead, have sex with whoever you want” and you wouldn’t experience the effects. We simply were not designed to live that life without consequences. Because all the things that make sex amazing in marriage are the same things that make it terribly dangerous outside of marriage. In order for it to be okay to have sex outside of marriage, you’d have to destroy the good it is inside of marriage as well.
Question 9: Insecurity about penis size
I knew when we married that my wife was not a virgin. That never bothered me. Years later she became disinterested, less intimate, and I was rejected from sexual advances repeatedly. I even remember her saying once that she didn’t know why I sat with my legs apart because “you don’t have THAT MUCH down there.” And one time I playingly said something about [how big my penis was] and she rolled her eyes and said “it’s not THAT big.”
During that time, I learned when my wife was sexually active. Knowing it was at 14 years old bothered me. She lost her virginity at 15 and spent 4 years with an older boyfriend. Then one other boyfriend between her 1st and our meeting. She had regular sex with both of them. Photos of her and her boyfriends were upsetting because she was always smiling & touching them. With me she was never touchy or close. One night I learned her 1st boyfriend was extremely endowed. This hit me hard both emotionally & physically. Another male friend was talking about his penis size with my wife & I right there. He was oblivious that she lost her virginity to him. I was.probably visibly upset, but my wife clearly acted like it never happened. Later that night she asked what was wrong. I looked at her just shocked, not believing she just asked me. She heard it all, and tried to avoid acknowledging the comments. She pushed for an answer, so I said “is it true?” I guess several possible answers could have eased my mind, several could have been neutral, but her response was what truly made me feel concerned. First, she attempted to redirect the conversation as if I never said anything. Then she pretended she didn’t hear what was said about his being “hung.” When I repeated what he said, “…..was hung down to his knees,” she hesitated (she is a horrible liar), and said “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Well, that certainly made me realize that he was in fact, significantly massive. At this point I was extremely upset, almost in tears. Now it was making sense why she was never interested in me being naked or touching me or even that excited by my penis. Oral sex was rare. Yet, she clearly backed away from admitting or even acknowledging her ex-boyfriend was packing as this friend indicated he saw in the locker room. When she finally realized the facts were right in front of her, she even denied “I don’t remember how big it was.” Clearly, if it was NOT huge she would not have avoided the subject and deflected. She used to recall other details of her ex, but somehow this one escaped her. And, either you know he is large or he is average, you don’t NOT remember.
The more this information collected, the more I realized how minimal I was to her from a sexual standpoint. I found a letter once that she failed to send to her 2nd lover. It was extremely suggestive and obviously offering sexual gratification. She had been claiming to me she never felt comfortable doing that, commenting that way, or being forward sexually. What she truly meant was she didn’t feel that way with me. Only with them.
She continued to tell me “sex isn’t everything” and “that was a long time ago.”
I truly feel that I have zero sexual significance to her. Even intimately she acts like my sister most of the time. She made comments to friends or wrote comments in momentos about moments that were special with them, or how hot they were, or sexual innuendo. Never toward me.
I believe our intimacy is never going to recover because she feels guilt or like she is missing something from her past I cannot provide. I am convinced that she simply got what she wanted sexually in her youth so much that she outgrew or.simply became bored by the time we married. She used to have that sexual desire, but now that she is married, sex is not in her radar.
I have tried so many ways to fix this hole in our relationship. I have attempted compromise, confrontation, requested counseling, and offered divorce. None made progress. It’s like she wants me trapped. Does not want me satisfied, but also refuses to let me go.
Honestly, this is out of my depth. These are issues for a therapist, not a coach. My guess would be that you have an obsession with her past and you can’t let that go, and that probably makes you less confident, which isn’t sexy for most women. As well, care-free sex without kids is radically different than married sex for a lot of people. The taboo nature of pre-marital sex combined with the lack of responsibility can make memories of that seem better than they were. And if you don’t have a solid belief about what sex is in a marriage – that it’s a good, blessed thing created by God for married people, then sex in marriage can seem like a duty, obligation or chore, which is also unsexy.
Personally, I doubt that your penis size is the issue. I think there’s more going on here than that. But I think you probably both need to see a counselor or therapist together to sort it out.
Question 10: Why do I look?
I’m a straight male why do l look at men’s feet and crotches?
I’m not sure. It could be you experience same-sex attraction. It could be that you are insecure about your penis size and that insecurity has you wondering about, or afraid of, their size. Personally, I’d bet the latter. We did a survey about penis size a while back and 49% of men wished their penis was longer. 47% wished it was also thicker.
So, worrying about your size is normal. We also learned that women were far less concerned about penis size in their men. So, our fears are generally unfounded.
Question 11: Husband is constantly sexual
My husband constantly is sexually touching me, making sexual innuendos, or trying to get me to constantly get undressed in front of him (basically he always is trying to look at my naked body). He does this all the time and even in front of our 3 children or other people. I have mentioned I don’t like it, especially in front of other people, but he claims he just flirted with me and then gets defensive claiming I don’t want him flirting with me. I can even give him a passionate kiss without him turning into something sexual instead of just taking it at face value – just a passionate kiss. He tells me his love language is physical touch, but I avoid touching him because everything is about sex. His sexual desire is overwhelming and it is degrading to me and makes me feel like I’m only here for his physical release because he does not listen when I tell him those things make me uncomfortable and I’ve just given up on trying to have these conversations. How do I respectfully tell him what he is doing hurts me and ultimately ends up hurting our relationship? (I do realize it takes 2 people to have good/bad issues, but me stuffing it down and not talking about it only makes the problem worse).
I think you answered your own question there. You need to sit him down and say “When you do these things, it makes me feel objectified, it damages my view of you and ultimately makes it so that the next time you try to flirt with me, my defenses go up. I see this potentially getting to a point where I’m not only uninterested, but repulsed by any sexual expression at all. I don’t think either of us want that to happen, so how can we change things so that we don’t get to that point and ideally improve where we are now so I can enjoy your advances again.”
Now, that said, I think you might also have some work to do. I think having a healthy boundary of “No sexual attention when others are around” is reasonable, but then you have to be willing to work at not having walls up when others aren’t around, when there’s no good reason not to engage or respond.
Question 12: Is prostate stimulation wrong?
Prostate stimulation, it’s ok for a husband to want to try this? My wife is nothing into anal but I really would love to try a P massage.. is this wrong?
The activity isn’t wrong, but if your wife wants nothing to do with it, then that doesn’t really help you. I think trying it without her would be wrong, and I think forcing her to do something she’s not comfortable with would be wrong. So, while the activity isn’t wrong itself, I don’t see how you could engage in it without the situation being wrong given the current dynamic.
That’s it for today. If you want to see the questions as they come in and participate in the discussion, check out our supporters page.
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