SWM 059 – Anonymous Questions from June and July 2020
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Today we’re answering questions from our Have A Question page that we received in June and July. We have questions about a wife falling asleep during sex, a bunch of questions about penis size insecurities, why blowjobs can make you nauseous and what to do about it. Also, why single people should still remain celibate in today’s culture, how to deal with a husband who is overly sexual and how do you deal with a spouse who is screaming at you.
First thought I wanted to mention that we’re currently running a short survey about how you like sex to be initiated in your marriage. It’s just a few questions and only takes a minute or two. If you haven’t filled it out yet, check it out at https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/latest-survey.
And now, on to the questions.
Question 1: Wife keeps falling asleep during sex
Hello, I’m a 50 year old male married to a 42 year old female. We have two boys ages 6 and 4. I have the higher sex drive between the 2 of us. In the past, I’ve discussed, asked, argued, written her a letter regarding our sex life. Unfortunately, things have not changed much. I know she had told her friends in the past that she is very sexual. I’ve never really been on the receiving end, even before we had kids. The last 2 times we’ve been intimate she has fallen asleep. The first time, I went down on her and brought her to orgasm. As I was laying next to her with my mouth by her vagina, she reached out and started to fondle me. Twice she stopped and the second time I heard her snore. I took her hand off of me and told her good night. She got mad that I was annoyed and we had sex to completion. 4 days later, as I was going down on her, she fell asleep. I again stopped and put a pair of sleeping shorts on and got back in bed. With my back to her, she was kissing my neck, trying to fondle me and eventually got me onto my back. She mounted me and was kissing me. She doesn’t really like to kiss after I’ve gone down on her. After about 10 minutes she rolled us so that she was on her back. We continued for another 15 minutes. She started to talk dirty which she also doesn’t do. Eventually she asked if I was close and I said no. My brain and penis were angry. She got annoyed that I wasn’t going to orgasm and asked me to get off of her. I have not really spoken to her in over 13 hours. I’m upset, humiliated and I feel rejected. Am I wrong (justified) to feel this way?
So, let’s break this down:
- She’s clearly exhausted if she’s falling asleep during sex, yet, she’s not turning you down for sex.
- Yes, she fell asleep, but she did her very best to recover, even going so far as to push through some of her typical boundaries.
- You got upset because she’s exhausted and you didn’t appreciate the effort she was putting in.
- She got frustrated because she pushed through some boundaries, allowing herself to be vulnerable, but it wasn’t getting you aroused. So, she probably felt upset, humiliated and rejected.
- Then you ghosted your wife, who you vowed to love, no matter what, for 13+ hours.
Feelings are feelings. You can feel however you like and justify it. The question I’m far more interested in is – is it profitable to feel this way. From my perspective, you’re neither justified nor is this profitable. Personally, I’d say you owe her an apology, but maybe I’m reading it wrong.
As one of our supporters said in the forum while discussing this she’s 42 with 4 and 6 year old boys. When my eldest was 6 and my second was 4, I was only 31. I also had a 2 year old and a newborn, but it wasn’t that bad. I mean, it’s tiring, but not terrible. As I get older, it gets harder and harder to keep up. I couldn’t imagine being 42 with a 4 and 6 year old let alone 50.
It might be worth a conversation about getting some more sleep – or maybe starting sex earlier in the night. We don’t start sex after about 10:30pm at night because it’s just too late.
But if you’re going to continue to feel upset, humiliated and rejected when your exhausted wife seems to be still making an effort to maintain a sexual relationship with you – I think you’re not going to have that problem for much longer, because she’s going to stop trying. I mean, why would she continue if you’re not going to appreciate the effort?
Question 2: Is it possible to orgasm without cumming?
As a female, is it possible to orgasm without cumming?
Cumming is a synonym for orgasm, so no. But I’m guessing you’re asking if it’s possible for a female to orgasm without ejaculation. I actually did a survey about this a while back. You can find the results here if you’re interested.
Of our respondents, 37% said that they (or their wife) has experienced female ejaculation.
So, that means the majority of women have not. So, yes, it’s entirely possible.
Question 3: Wife wants bigger toys
Recently my wife has asked to introduce a variety of toys into our sex life. I do see these as enhancements to her pleasure. Last week she had a fair amount to drink at a small wedding reception and later that night she told me I’m not big enough for her and I never have been. It kind of hurt. And That’s when the type of toys she asked for made more sense. Do you have any advice on how to accept these even though I feel like (and now know) I’m not enough for her.
I have a few thoughts here. The first is – have you had a conversation about it while she’s sober. Drunken confessions are not always reliable. Secondly, what does “not big enough for her” mean? Not big enough to enjoy? Not big enough to orgasm? Not big enough to be optimal? Those are all radically different things. Does she have experience with other penises that cause her to think this way? Is she watching porn that tends to showcase those individuals who are extremely well endowed?
The majority of women don’t orgasm from penetration, so size doesn’t make a big difference. Everyone disagrees on exactly what percentages, but only somewhere between a quarter and a third of women tend to orgasm from penetration alone regularly.
One theory is that the distance between the vaginal opening and the clitoris plays a huge part in this. There are positions that can help bridge that gap, such at the CAT position (coital alignment technique). ChristianFriendlySexPositions.com calls it “Grinding the Corn”.
As well, the majority of the nerve endings in the vagina are in the first 3 inches of the vaginal canal, so length doesn’t play a large part in pleasure either. That said, girth can. But just because you enjoy something larger, doesn’t mean a less girthy penis isn’t going to bring pleasure or orgasm.
My point is – I doubt your penis is the problem. I think attitudes are, on both sides. What she said was incredibly cruel and hurtful. But, as you said, she was drunk, and the testimony of a drunk person is extremely suspect. So, again, I’d have a conversation about it while you’re both sober, ask her about it and then if still want to pursue things to give her a “fuller” feeling, you can always check out penis sleeves – These go around your penis to give it extra girth. I personally have never tried them, but someone in our supporter form suggested them, and I’ve had others email their positive reviews about these types of products in the past as well. Married Dance carries a few of them which you can find here.
My worry is that this might just add to your feeling of inadequacy though, which I personally think is likely untrue.
You can also try fisting, which is the practice of inserting your entire hand into the vagina. Just to be clear, it’s poorly named. Don’t make a fist and try to shove it in. My understanding is you have to make more of a “duck” shape with your hands – like if you were going to make a duck shadow puppet. Some women really enjoy this activity because of the feeling of fullness. The nerve endings around the vaginal canal respond to pressure, so, for some, a large amount of pressure is pleasurable. It takes a lot of lube and patience from what I’m told, but so some really enjoy the feeling.
And lastly there are butt plugs – these put pressure on the vaginal canal from the outside, but give a similar feeling and will push against your penis during vaginal sex, which would make it feel more girthy.
But first, I’d start with a sober conversation.
Question 4: How do I handle my wife screaming at me?
How do I handle my emotions, feelings and hurt after my wife was screaming at me and calling me names?
Last night right before my bedtime, unfortunately I work at 2:30am and I need to be in bed by 7, my wife unloaded on me. Telling me how I don’t do anything for her, the family, the house. I work hard and after an 11 hour day I need to rest. I do try to help where I can, I also do other things she is unable to do. Like fixing things with the house and cars. Seems like I’m always fixing something as it is. She resorted to calling me names like “baby, spoiled” and many others like the F, A and S words. She screamed and yelled the entire time and wouldn’t let me say a word. I know this isn’t grounds for divorce but I am very hurt and really don’t know how to go on. I’m at work now and don’t want to go home. She apologized in a text and blamed it all on the world and the situation we are all in now. She never mentioned the world or situation while I was being reamed, just my apparent inadequacies. Thanks
I have two thoughts here:
The first is – why would you just sit there and let her yell while you’re being hurt? That’s not a loving thing to do. Next time, I’d just say – “Dear, this conversation is not productive. I need to sleep right now and you need to calm down. If you’d like to pick it up tomorrow when you’re clear headed and have control of yourself, I’d be happy to discuss our marriage dynamic and any issues you see with it. But for now, I’m going to bed.” And then you walk away.
That’s not shutting down, it’s not running away from it, it’s setting a boundary that “this is not a good time for this, nor the proper mental context for such a discussion”.
She’ll probably not like that, but she’s already angry at that point, so not much lost there. At least you can get some sleep and perhaps you can have a productive conversation later.
Secondly – she apologized over text, but then what happened? Did you discuss it? I find it completely believable that the current situation is a catalyst for what happened and definitely could have exacerbated it even without her mentioning it. In fact, I’d find it odd that she would mention it during the incident. However, there’s likely some seed that started all this. Likely she’s unhappy about something in your marriage dynamic and that should be addressed.
I think that conversation is how you move forward. She’s already apologized, so you know she feels bad about what she did – but you also need to fix whatever kicked it off. That might involve changes in your behaviours, or changes in her perspective, or both.
Question 5: Clone-a-willy
I was trying to find one of your original blog posts from back when this was “Sex Within Marriage”. Maybe my search skills aren’t up to snuff. I was looking for the one on sex toys. It’s been a while, so my memory may be a little off, but I seem to remember one of the most prominent reasons for not using more realistic toys is because they’re based on someone other than your anatomy. This, it seems, was received as like having sex with someone other than your husband.
A few years ago, there was a new product that came out called “Clone-a-Willy”. Yep, you guessed it, now you can make a toy molded from your husband. You don’t need a friend in prosthetics or prosthodontics dept any more to make one. All the things you need are in the kit except the model. This may open some people up to trying toys. I’ve seen a few posts on toys since then but nothing that covers this product. It is available from the Marriage Dance website. Just thought I’d mention it.
Yep, they’ve been around for a while. I think I might have mentioned them here and there. For those that are interested, here’s the link on Married Dance.
Question 6: Blowjobs make me nauseous
My husband loves them, and I don’t mind doing them for him. But he has been badgering me to swallow. It happened once by accident and left me sick for hours on the verge of vomiting. The taste, temperature, texture, and smell are not even remotely pleasant to me.
Anyway, I would like to try it at least once more but I have no clue what to do at this point. I’ve tried deep throat spray but it wears off very fast. Changing his diet has not changed any of the above.
Any other things we could try?
Semen is rather alkaline, so when it hits your stomach, it releases more acid in order to counteract that. It’s quite possible that it’s the extra acid that’s causing the stomach ache. It’s not uncommon. The common solutions are:
- Eat before giving a blowjob – an empty stomach seems to make the issue worse for many people.
- Try taking something like Zantac which decreases stomach acid production – some say that helps a lot.
- Give it time – eventually your body will adjust. Most people say that they used to have the same effects, but eventually it just stopped happening.
I would say try 1 & 2 while you wait for 3 if you’re intent on pursuing this.
Things that tend to help the taste are abstaining from meat, dairy, alcohol, cigarettes, and asparagus. You can also try eating pineapple juice. He can drink more water to help with the texture. If that doesn’t work, you can try a three day water fast or fruit only diet if he’s willing to go through the trouble for a blowjob.
Question 7: Do men who take ED meds tell their wives?
Do the wives of men who are taking an erectile dysfunction drug know their husband is using it?
If they do know, what do they think about that?
If the husband is keeping it a secret, why is he?
I don’t think I know of a stat for this. All the supporters in our forum who are using ED meds discuss it with their wife. In most cases, I would suspect the wife knows. The medications all need a bit of a heads up, so timing becomes an issue if you aren’t discussing it. Plus they aren’t over the counter medications – so you have to hide the doctor’s visit as well as the pharmacy visit and then the drug as well as taking it. That’s a lot to manage and keep in secret.
However, I could see a husband wanting to keep it a secret if he’s embarrassed about it, or if he’s afraid that him not being able to maintain an erection will make his wife feel like she’s not attractive enough. I’m not saying that’s a good idea, I still think open communication is better, but I could see the rationale behind it.
Question 8: Why should single people abstain from sex?
Why should single people older than 25 bother with abstaining from sex? The Bible was written in a cultural context where it was relatively easy to get married and the average person could have a reasonable expectation of being married by their early 20’s. In the Bible, Paul advises that single people with strong sexual desire should get married. That’s reasonable. But only if you assume that marriage is easily entered into. Paul has no advice for a single person who would like to be married but finds that marriage just isn’t an option right now. Indeed the notion of a single person being unable to find a spouse seems to be totally foreign to the Bible. The Church’s demand that single people act like they’re asexual until they’re 30 or older is based on Biblical advice from a very different context. One where remaining unmarried past 30 wasn’t a common situation. The dating market is broken and unless the Church can fix it, then then it will have to carve out a space where some kind of sexual activity can be allowable for unmarried people. If single people are sexual beings with sexual drives then how can sexuality be designed only for marriage?
Let me first say that it sounds like you’re putting up a false enemy here so you can tear it down and get your way. The church is not in your way here – you have a conflict with God. The church is only following His commands as best as they can. Your ultimate argument is that God inspired the Bible and didn’t think about your specific situation and you think His commands are unfair to you, personally, and so you want a rationalization for why you can ignore God’s commands and do whatever you want.
And many people in the church will tell you that the answer is simply “because God said so” and that’s enough for them. But, that’s clearly not enough for you, so let’s dig a bit deeper.
Why does God tell us to abstain from sex outside of marriage? Well, we don’t know exactly. The Bible doesn’t tell us. But I think we can make some educated guesses:
Firstly, we seem to have been designed that sex bonds two people together. When we have sex, our brains release many different chemicals that change our behaviour. Dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, norrenepherine, serotonin, and many other chemicals play various roles in making you invest in the person you’re with. They make you feel good, they make you feel cared for, they make you feel like you want to protect them, they make you hyperfocus on the other person. They are designed to glue a couple together.
Frankly, what we call a “legally binding marriage” is really just a representation of what our bodies are already doing – binding us together, stronger than any law can.
I spend a fair bit of time around the internet reading people’s questions about sex, seeing what the world is up to, where things are going, and time and time again, I see people try to get into “friends with benefits” situations only to have them turn into a relationship – often marriage! People are always asking things like “how do I stop falling in love with my hookups” or “if I catch feelings, do I have to break off a friends-with-benefits relationship”, or “why do I miss this guy I’ve only slept with once”.
The world is trying to separate sex from relationships, and it’s failing miserably. Why? Because it wasn’t intended to. They’re going against their Creator and losing.
So, that’s reason number one – because our brain is designed to have sex in marriage.
The second reason is that our psyche is also designed for it. The other thing I see a lot out there, as well as the questions I get directly, is that previous sexual relationships really mess people up. They cause guilt, shame, confusion, jealousy, insecurity and generally just a lot of pain. In fact, you’ll see that in the next question I answer.
We generally don’t handle our spouses having previous partners well. God is a jealous God, and we are made in His image – I think we’re designed to be jealous of our spouses. We want someone who has only been with us and will only ever be with us.
And yes, I know, divorce and death don’t always make that happen, but why would you want to add to that on purpose?
I once had a high-school teacher say “you know, sex isn’t THAT good” and I remember thinking “I think you’re doing it wrong”. But, now I think I see where he was going – sex is not good enough that having it prior to marriage is worth the potential pain you’ll experience once you’re married as a result.
And just in case you’re thinking “well, if most friends-with-benefits end up in a relationship and many married, why not just do that?”
That leads me to reason number three. We don’t think straight when we’re having sex. Again, I think that’s by design.
Proverbs 5:19 – A loving doe, a graceful deer– may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
This is the only time the Bible ever says it’s okay to be intoxicated, and it’s not with alcohol, but by love. Actually, the Hebrew is a bit stronger and say that you should “err continually” in other words, you should be so enraptured by your wife’s breasts that you’ll make stupid mistakes.
In a marriage – that’s okay. But when you’re dating, or engaged, that’s a recipe for disaster. Prior to marriage, you need a fairly level head on your shoulders so that you can wisely determine if the person you are dating is a good match – that they have the same goals in life, the same passion for God, whether you both want kids, or not, where you want to live, what live will look like.
But, if you’re having sex, there’s a good chance you’re going to act stupidly. You’ll be so infatuated, you will miss or rationalize away all the red flags.
Sex is good, and awesome and amazing and a blessing. It’s also dangerous in the wrong context.
Whether it’s easy or hard to get married is besides the point – it doesn’t change the risks involved.
But, if you feel the dating world is broken – then do something about it. Host a singles night at church. Invite other churches in the area. Get single Christians together so they can meet. Start a Bible study for singles. Or a games night for singles. Do something, don’t just sit there saying “well, the church broke the single dating market, so they have to let me have sex until they fix it”.
The church doesn’t have the authority to give you that leeway, and even if it did – it wouldn’t help you. Because while breaking God’s rules does have an impact in that you start a pattern of behaviour of hardening your heart against God – the simple fact is that even if it wasn’t a rule – the practical natural consequences would still be there. Noone, not me, the church, or even Jesus, could say “go ahead, have sex with whoever you want” and you wouldn’t experience the effects. We simply were not designed to live that life without consequences. Because all the things that make sex amazing in marriage are the same things that make it terribly dangerous outside of marriage. In order for it to be okay to have sex outside of marriage, you’d have to destroy the good it is inside of marriage as well.
Question 9: Insecurity about penis size
I knew when we married that my wife was not a virgin. That never bothered me. Years later she became disinterested, less intimate, and I was rejected from sexual advances repeatedly. I even remember her saying once that she didn’t know why I sat with my legs apart because “you don’t have THAT MUCH down there.” And one time I playingly said something about [how big my penis was] and she rolled her eyes and said “it’s not THAT big.”
During that time, I learned when my wife was sexually active. Knowing it was at 14 years old bothered me. She lost her virginity at 15 and spent 4 years with an older boyfriend. Then one other boyfriend between her 1st and our meeting. She had regular sex with both of them. Photos of her and her boyfriends were upsetting because she was always smiling & touching them. With me she was never touchy or close. One night I learned her 1st boyfriend was extremely endowed. This hit me hard both emotionally & physically. Another male friend was talking about his penis size with my wife & I right there. He was oblivious that she lost her virginity to him. I was.probably visibly upset, but my wife clearly acted like it never happened. Later that night she asked what was wrong. I looked at her just shocked, not believing she just asked me. She heard it all, and tried to avoid acknowledging the comments. She pushed for an answer, so I said “is it true?” I guess several possible answers could have eased my mind, several could have been neutral, but her response was what truly made me feel concerned. First, she attempted to redirect the conversation as if I never said anything. Then she pretended she didn’t hear what was said about his being “hung.” When I repeated what he said, “…..was hung down to his knees,” she hesitated (she is a horrible liar), and said “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Well, that certainly made me realize that he was in fact, significantly massive. At this point I was extremely upset, almost in tears. Now it was making sense why she was never interested in me being naked or touching me or even that excited by my penis. Oral sex was rare. Yet, she clearly backed away from admitting or even acknowledging her ex-boyfriend was packing as this friend indicated he saw in the locker room. When she finally realized the facts were right in front of her, she even denied “I don’t remember how big it was.” Clearly, if it was NOT huge she would not have avoided the subject and deflected. She used to recall other details of her ex, but somehow this one escaped her. And, either you know he is large or he is average, you don’t NOT remember.
The more this information collected, the more I realized how minimal I was to her from a sexual standpoint. I found a letter once that she failed to send to her 2nd lover. It was extremely suggestive and obviously offering sexual gratification. She had been claiming to me she never felt comfortable doing that, commenting that way, or being forward sexually. What she truly meant was she didn’t feel that way with me. Only with them.
She continued to tell me “sex isn’t everything” and “that was a long time ago.”
I truly feel that I have zero sexual significance to her. Even intimately she acts like my sister most of the time. She made comments to friends or wrote comments in momentos about moments that were special with them, or how hot they were, or sexual innuendo. Never toward me.
I believe our intimacy is never going to recover because she feels guilt or like she is missing something from her past I cannot provide. I am convinced that she simply got what she wanted sexually in her youth so much that she outgrew or.simply became bored by the time we married. She used to have that sexual desire, but now that she is married, sex is not in her radar.
I have tried so many ways to fix this hole in our relationship. I have attempted compromise, confrontation, requested counseling, and offered divorce. None made progress. It’s like she wants me trapped. Does not want me satisfied, but also refuses to let me go.
Honestly, this is out of my depth. These are issues for a therapist, not a coach. My guess would be that you have an obsession with her past and you can’t let that go, and that probably makes you less confident, which isn’t sexy for most women. As well, care-free sex without kids is radically different than married sex for a lot of people. The taboo nature of pre-marital sex combined with the lack of responsibility can make memories of that seem better than they were. And if you don’t have a solid belief about what sex is in a marriage – that it’s a good, blessed thing created by God for married people, then sex in marriage can seem like a duty, obligation or chore, which is also unsexy.
Personally, I doubt that your penis size is the issue. I think there’s more going on here than that. But I think you probably both need to see a counselor or therapist together to sort it out.
Question 10: Why do I look?
I’m a straight male why do l look at men’s feet and crotches?
I’m not sure. It could be you experience same-sex attraction. It could be that you are insecure about your penis size and that insecurity has you wondering about, or afraid of, their size. Personally, I’d bet the latter. We did a survey about penis size a while back and 49% of men wished their penis was longer. 47% wished it was also thicker.
So, worrying about your size is normal. We also learned that women were far less concerned about penis size in their men. So, our fears are generally unfounded.
Question 11: Husband is constantly sexual
My husband constantly is sexually touching me, making sexual innuendos, or trying to get me to constantly get undressed in front of him (basically he always is trying to look at my naked body). He does this all the time and even in front of our 3 children or other people. I have mentioned I don’t like it, especially in front of other people, but he claims he just flirted with me and then gets defensive claiming I don’t want him flirting with me. I can even give him a passionate kiss without him turning into something sexual instead of just taking it at face value – just a passionate kiss. He tells me his love language is physical touch, but I avoid touching him because everything is about sex. His sexual desire is overwhelming and it is degrading to me and makes me feel like I’m only here for his physical release because he does not listen when I tell him those things make me uncomfortable and I’ve just given up on trying to have these conversations. How do I respectfully tell him what he is doing hurts me and ultimately ends up hurting our relationship? (I do realize it takes 2 people to have good/bad issues, but me stuffing it down and not talking about it only makes the problem worse).
I think you answered your own question there. You need to sit him down and say “When you do these things, it makes me feel objectified, it damages my view of you and ultimately makes it so that the next time you try to flirt with me, my defenses go up. I see this potentially getting to a point where I’m not only uninterested, but repulsed by any sexual expression at all. I don’t think either of us want that to happen, so how can we change things so that we don’t get to that point and ideally improve where we are now so I can enjoy your advances again.”
Now, that said, I think you might also have some work to do. I think having a healthy boundary of “No sexual attention when others are around” is reasonable, but then you have to be willing to work at not having walls up when others aren’t around, when there’s no good reason not to engage or respond.
Question 12: Is prostate stimulation wrong?
Prostate stimulation, it’s ok for a husband to want to try this? My wife is nothing into anal but I really would love to try a P massage.. is this wrong?
The activity isn’t wrong, but if your wife wants nothing to do with it, then that doesn’t really help you. I think trying it without her would be wrong, and I think forcing her to do something she’s not comfortable with would be wrong. So, while the activity isn’t wrong itself, I don’t see how you could engage in it without the situation being wrong given the current dynamic.
That’s it for today. If you want to see the questions as they come in and participate in the discussion, check out our supporters page.
40 thoughts on “SWM 059 – Anonymous Questions from June and July 2020”
Loved your answer to question 8. I will be sharing this with my 18 year-old.
Glad you loved it! I hope it helps him.
Agree with William 👆🏽GREAT response to why singles should not have sex until marriage. It’s sad to see how many people will blame the overall church and the teaching of scriptures just because they don’t want to submit to God’s Word at a personal level. Again, great job.
I’m the person who asked question #8. I don’t think you answered it properly. I’ve heard all the sermons. I’ve already heard all the variations on the answer you gave. All of that sounds reasonable when you’re 16 but it rings hollow when you’re on the wrong side of 30. There’s a big hole in that reasoning. Single people are sexual beings with sex drives. Marriage isn’t available to everyone. The answer needs to start with both of those facts in mind. In light of those facts, now what?
Sorry, but cold showers and reading the Bible doesn’t work. Humans weren’t designed to live functionally asexual lives for 15+ years after sexual maturity. If sexuality was intended only for marriage then single people wouldn’t have a sexual nature.
No one said single people aren’t sexual beings nor that they don’t have sex drives, and yes, I understand that marriage isn’t immediately available for everyone, and for some, never. But that doesn’t mean there’s a hole, it just means it’s not fair. But no one said it was fair. What’s right and wrong isn’t predicated on what’s fair. In fact, the entirety of Christian theology is based on unfair things. It’s not fair that Jesus had to die for us. It’s not fair that we get to go to Heaven merely for accepting His gift of salvation. It’s not fair to turn the other cheek, or the love even when it’s not returned. Covenants aren’t fair – they’re one-sided promises.
So, now what?
I think God is more interested in giving you opportunities to grow than in giving you opportunities for sex. I’d argue, and I’m extrapolating a guess at your attitude based on your question and comment, this seems like a place you might need to grow. Having a sex drive, but no sexual outlet has the potential to teach you things like self-control, patience, contentment in all circumstances, and humility. Unsurprisingly, those are all fruits of The Spirit and marks of a character that is Christ-like.
I understand that that’s not a satisfying answer, but I don’t have a better one other than what I already suggested – start a singles Bible study group for Christians, or something similar. Other than that, take the time to learn to lean on God. Personally, I find reading the Bible and prayer seems to work for most things, but I understand some don’t consider that practical advice. I didn’t either when I was young.
You’re right. It isn’t a satisfying answer. I don’t think a satisfying answer even exists. I’ve heard it all before. Trying to see prolonged abstinence as a way to learn “self-control, patience, contentment in all circumstances, and humility” isn’t a solution. It’s a coping mechanism for deing with the lack of a solution.
Have you read any of Michel Houellebecq’s novels. I’ve read almost all of them. I think every Christian needs to read them. Anyone who wants to understand the state of the dating/sexual market needs to read them. Start by reading Whatever. Then read The Elementary Particles, Platform, The Possibility of An Island, and Submission. Each one is individually powerful but the combined effect of all of them left me broken.
Read more than half of “Whatever” at your suggestion. Frankly, I’m giving up on it. There’s nothing redeeming in it whatsoever. It seems to be Kafka like in it’s assertion that life is futile, has no meaning and then you die. It’s the ramblings of a deeply depressed man. So no, I don’t think any Christian should read these in order to understand anything except how bleak and meaningless life is without God.
But, I do now understand why you think the way you do. The thoughts you entertain become your thoughts. If all his works as akin to Whatever, then it’s no wonder you’re in a deeply depressed state. I think anyone would struggle not to be after that.
But I disagree strongly with a lot of his assertions
– Adolescent sex is not better than adult sex – just because you missed on out it, doesn’t mean all the sex in the world afterwords won’t “make up” for missing it.
– That there are “haves and have nots” when it comes to sex based on your looks and charm as given at birth. I have neither looks nor charm, but still married well.
– That if you miss your “prime” then there’s no chance – I know many people who married late (40s, 50s and even older) and are quite happy
– That ultimately, no one is happy, they’re just waiting for the end – This is depression, not life
And I’d say that you should probably see a therapist about your depression, except I now know from that book that you likely have a very dim view of therapists given that the author blames them the a vast part of the world’s problems. But what you are experiencing is not normal. This is not how people live their lives. It can be better – I want it to be better for you.
And to be perfectly frank – you’re struggles to find a mate in life might be partly due to the fact that you’re terribly depressed. That’s not an attractive quality.
So, again, I’d focus on your relationship with God, because I do believe that’s where contentment comes from – not from sex, or even a spouse. And get some help to deal with your depression. Life doesn’t have to be this way.
You’re no help at all. Nobody I’ve ever talked to about this has been any help at all. I’m not depressed just because I’ve found worthwhile social commentary in some very pessimistic books.
I’ve had it with this bizarre feast-or-famine view of sexuality.
If you’re married, “do not deprive each other”. Have sex frequently. Nearly anything goes!
If you aren’t married? You get nothing. Total deprivation.
At least the two extremes of asceticism and libertinism have a consistent standard.
If no one is any help, maybe the problem is that you just don’t like the truth. My kids do this as well. They’ll keep asking the same question over and over again because they don’t like the answer we gave them. It doesn’t mean the answer is bad, or even wrong, it just means they’re not willing to accept it.
Yes, sex is designed for marriage. Everything about it from the Bible, science and my personal experience tells me that, and that choosing to disregard that will harm you. And that is ultimately a blessing, not a curse, but I understand how you might not be willing to see that yet. It’s sort of like when kids ask to eat candy all day. We tell them no, because it will harm them. They don’t understand, they just want their candy. Once they grow up, they then understand and tell their children the same. Why? Because that’s good parenting. We’re doing our best to protect them from harming themselves.
And everyone is doing their best to protect you from harming yourself. Even if you don’t appreciate it yet.
The feast-or-famine model only works under conditions where its easy to get married. Those conditions don’t currently exist. So now what?
It sounds like you’re under the impression that I’m a teenager or something. Maybe you aren’t under that impression. Only you know. But I am indeed far older than that.
How old were you when you got married?
And of course you’d compare this to wanting to gorge on candy, as if it’s the same thing. It’s one thing to expect rational moderation and another thing to force absolute deprivation.
Feast or famine. If you’re unmarried then there is no provision for you. It’s nonsensical to have a standard of Manichean life-denial for the unmarried and a totally different standard for the married.
My experience is that the people who hold to this most strongly are usually already married. (Not always, but usually). They usually married pretty young too.
See, and that I think is the core issue – you believe that because marriage is difficult to obtain for you that that means sex should be safe. But it doesn’t work like that. If you can’t find a fireplace, that doesn’t make it less dangerous to light a fire in the middle of your living room without one.
I wasn’t under the impression you were a teenager at all. Merely a man who is rebelling against a system he sees as unfair simply because he can’t get what he wants, similar to how a teenager does.
I was 20 when I got married. And, yes, I understand that you’ll think that disqualifies me from having an opinion, in which case, what are you still doing here?
And no, candy is not the same as sex, I was using it as an illustration. Very well, let’s change it driving a car. Prior to the age of 16, driving a car is illegal. My kids still want to do it, and they think it’s unfair that they can’t. However, we don’t allow it, because it would unsafe, both to them and others. And coming to a certain age doesn’t immediately grant them the right to drive a car either. They have to practice, take a test and pass it. There are conditions.
But once it’s allowed, there’s a good chance you’ll drive a car more often than you’ll have sex in marriage. Does any adult believe this “feast or famine” model is unfair? No, of course not, because we know that it protects people. The children think it’s unfair of course, but that’s because they’re only thinking about what they want and can’t even conceive of the dangers because they have no experience. All they see is other people driving and it looks easy and fun.
And yes, driving is different than sex – we all know that. Again, I’m illustrating a point – the “feast or famine” model you dislike is there to protect you, even as you rebel against it. And yeah, the married people will hold to this most strongly, as do those with licenses hold to the model of who can and can’t drive most strongly. Why? Because they know what they’re talking about. A child has no idea what goes into driving a car, the damage it can do, and the harm they could cause. Likewise those who are unmarried often have no idea of how past promiscuity will damage their potential future marriages.
I talk to a lot of married couples. Most of whom had sex prior to marriage. With only a few exceptions, all wish they hadn’t. With only a few exceptions, they all felt it damaged themselves and their marriage.
So, it’s up to you. If you wish, you can of course reject the Bible and the experience of others, arguably your elders in these matters, in the same way a teenager does. But make no mistake, you go against the counsel of your Creator. The rest of us are merely agreeing with Him. Your issue is with Him, not us.
Oh yes, the fireplace metaphor. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that one… The unspoken implication in the metaphor is that if you don’t have a “fireplace” then you’re left alone to freeze.
I’ve heard it all before. I know all the arguments. I used to believe it all too. I’m beginning to think I’ve been cheated. I believed that the Church’s model was better than the values of the Sexual Revolution. Now I know that it just can’t work under post-Sexual Revolution conditions. Why do you think the church utterly failed to avert the Sexual Revolution? Maybe the Church’s model lost out for a good reason.
The Bible is not a suicide pact.
I don’t understand the problem then. If you don’t believe God anymore, why do you care about what He says?
My guess is that you do believe – and that’s why you’re still arguing. If you didn’t, then it would be easy. You’d ignore the Bible and do what you want. I think you know it’s right, and that’s why you feel stuck – because you want to do what is wrong, but you know it’s wrong.
If the old model was right then it would work. Sounds like it worked for you. Congrats. But for a lot of people it doesn’t work. If it no longer works then it isn’t right. The hookup culture model doesn’t work either. So now what?
I went along with the Church’s model for decades and it didn’t work.
How do you determine whether or not the model works?
People are getting married later and later, if at all. The dating market is hyper competitive and more unequal than 95% of national economies. Many people are priced out of the market completely. Before the sexual revolution, feminism, and the commodification of sex, most people could have the reasonable expectation of being married by their early 20’s. The old model worked well enough. But continuing to cling to the old model amidst the realities of the modern dating market is foolish. The conditions simply don’t exist right now for it to work. The choice is either adjust the model to work in modern conditions or change the conditions. I don’t see the Church doing the latter anytime soon. Humans were not designed to live asexual lives for decades after sexual maturity. That’s how it doesn’t work, at the broader level.
At the narrower level: well I’m still not married. I went along with Church teaching and came up empty handed. I got played for a sucker and I want my money back.
But, how do you determine whether or not the model works? You just described the situation, re-asserted your position, but didn’t give any criteria.
As well, you keep asserting this is the church’s position, but it’s God’s position as well. Are you suggesting the church change it’s position to go against God’s commands in order to adapt to society?
Or are you saying you know better than God and so He should change His position because you’ve found the flaw in His model?
If it worked then it would be a lot easier to get married and stay married.
God’s standard is what works. If it doesn’t work then it isn’t God’s standard. I know you’ll object by saying that God doesn’t change. Well, the Bible isn’t God. Humans and their circumstances certainly do change. The Biblical authors simply did not have anything like the modern dating market or the Sexual Revolution to deal with. No, 1st Century Corinth wasn’t anything like today.
I know the Bible teaches this: whatever doesn’t bear fruit must be thrown in the fire. The Church has to figure out how to deal with the unprecedented circumstances we are in. We must extract the kernel from the husk. It has always been within the Church’s authority to formulate solutions to new challenges that the Bible did not cover.
Humans were not designed to live asexual lives for decades past maturity.
Traditional Church teaching forbids any sexual activity for the unmarried.
Marriage is getting more and more difficult to obtain.
Solve the equation. Something has to give.
That assumes the rules are there to make life easier.
You say your argument is with the church, and now even the Bible’s authors, that the Bible isn’t God. But The Bible itself tells us that God is the author.
The equation has been solved. You just don’t like the answer. Yes, the world is broken. It’s been broken for a long time. However, God’s law stays the same. It has to. If it changed in response to a broken world, then Truth would be dependent on sin. You’re asking God to compromise His Truth so that it can be easier to live in a sinful world. That’s not the point of the law. It’s not intended to make life easy. It’s intended to show us how broken the world is.
Your complaints about it being too hard is evidence of how broken the world is, not how how unjust God’s Law is.
Is the Bible a suicide pact?
When reality conflicts with theology, which one wins?
This isn’t a matter of making life easier. It’s a matter of fostering social order. This is no prosperity gospel. This is about corporate well being, not mere individual happiness.
1 Timothy 4:3 talks about people those who will “forbid marriage”. But the Greek word translated as “forbid” can also be translated as “hinder”. To hinder marriage. The whole church and all of society is guilty of this.
The circumstances warrant a State of Exception. Who decides on the expection?
I don’t really understand the suicide pact thing.
I believe that the Bible is the infallible, so reality can’t conflict with it.
And I can’t help you find an exception from God. Apart from Him, there is no Truth.
There’s a saying in American politics, “The Constitution is not a suicide pact”. In other words, the survival of the state and its people is more important than whatever may be written in the Constitution. Similarly I say: the Bible is not a suicide pact.
The biblical model of sexuality does not work any more because it is much too difficult to get married. All of the biblical advice assumes a culture where getting married is relatively easy. But it isn’t today. There isn’t indication that Paul or any other apostle knew of people who would have liked to have been married but were unable to. The only mention of such a thing is eunuchs or the otherwise physically incapable.
What have you done to make it easier to get married?
Every law has Sovereign Exceptions otherwise it is no law at all. Who decides on the Exception?
Ahh, I’m not American. Never heard that saying. Besides, it’s not really relevant. The constitution was written by men for men. The Bible was written by God for men. The Bible tells us the world will devolve into chaos. Clearly it’s purpose is not to stop that. In fact, it says that right now, God is actively working to ensure it doesn’t happen too quickly.
I think you’re taking the word “eunuchs” too literally here. I don’t think there were those in Jesus’ time who literally castrated themselves for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. I think Jesus was talking about those who were celibate out of their own choice, and those who were celibate without choice, like you.
As for who decides on the exception on God’s law – God does. No one else has the authority to.
“made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of God”.
Meaning voluntary. I know that it doesn’t mean literally castrating yourself. Origen apparently didn’t know that, but that’s beside the point.
I’ve heard all this before. Christ was unmarried but that was voluntary. Paul was unmarried at the time of writing his epistles.
The only times I can think of someone being involuntarily unmarried in the Bible is Jephtha’s daughter and Jeremiah. Both of them very unusual circumstances. Neither example is one you can draw life advice from. There is simply no biblical advice for the involuntarily unmarried who are physically capable of sexual relations.
“and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men” – that doesn’t sound voluntary. One could argue you’ve been made a eunuch by men if society has shifted in a way that gives you no opportunity to find a wife.
I’m not sure exactly what special advice you’d want there to be. There’s no specific advice for people with only one leg either.
The vast majority of the Bible still applies to your life. Only a very small portion of the Bible applies to marriage only.
I don’t think that “made eunuchs by men” refers to anything but people physically altered as to be incapable of sexual relations. Although I’ve read of accounts stating that castrated men could perform sexual relations, of a sort. Either way I think that only the category in the verse refers to metaphorical eunuchs. I’ll concede the possibility though.
1 Corinthians 7:9 is the most relevant verse. The advice there is to get married if you can’t handle celibacy. If only getting married were so easy. It seemingly didn’t occur to Paul that marriage isn’t an option for some people. In absence of biblical advice one the matter, the Church needs to figure out how to properly address the matter.
And how would it do that? Temple prostitutes? Forced marriages?
“You’re asking God to compromise His Truth so that it can be easier to live in a sinful world. That’s not the point of the law. It’s not intended to make life easy. It’s intended to show us how broken the world is.”
That’s your problem. You’re more interested in lofty abstractions than practical realities. The whole point of law is to foster the well-being of society. We all know how broken the world is. You don’t need to impose unnecessary suffering to prove your point.
“Truth and justice alone are capable of being
‘conserved’ and preserved! The thing which is unjust, which is
not according to God’s Law, will you, in a God’s Universe, try to
conserve that? It is so old, say you? Yes, and the hotter haste
ought you, of all others, to be in to let it grow no older! If
but the faintest whisper in your hearts intimate to you that it
is not fair,–hasten, for the sake of Conservatism itself, to
probe it rigorously, to cast it forth at once and forever if
guilty. How will or can you preserve it, the thing that is not
“What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.”” – Romans 7:7
I think The Bible is quite clear that the purpose of the Law is to show us sin. I still think your issue isn’t with me, but with God. You think He’s unjust because you aren’t getting what you want. God never promised to give you what you want. He promised to give you a choice to choose Him, or yourself. You keep asking for God to compromise so you can choose yourself without the natural consequences that come with that choice. I don’t think He will.
You’re impossible to talk to. Earlier you accused me of not liking your answers. It’s not that I don’t like your answer, it’s that your answers are based on faulty premises. You’re the one who cited all kinds of practical reasons why you think unmarried people shouldn’t be sexually active. Now when challenged you claim that practical concerns are of no consequence.
Do you believe that the Bible is un-created and coeternal with God? Do you believe that there is a Heavenly Bible that is an attribute of God? A lot of Muslims believe that about the Koran, and I find that certain varieties of Christ get dangerously close to believing that about the Bible.
Also, the verse you cited is about the Mosaic Law. It isn’t about moral law, ethical law, criminal law, or law in general.
The old model of sexuality doesn’t work anymore. Now what? What are people to do?
What faulty premise? My premise is that God, The Bible and His Law are good and Truth.
And yes, I believe being sexually active prior to marriage will harm you. I think that’s why God told us not to do it. I didn’t say that the practical concerns are of no consequence. What I said is that regardless of how society changes, the natural consequences of having sex prior to marriage still remain, and so how can God make an exception? You are asking Him to stop loving you and telling you what is best for you. I don’t think He can do that.
In short – I believe the model isn’t old. It’s reality. Regardless of context. You’re not asking God for an exception. You’re asking the fire not to burn so you can stick you hand in it.
Unless the Church can change society so that it’s easier to get married then it’s going to have to allow some kind of sexual activity for unmarried people. Not a free for all, of course. It should be strictly circumscribed. I’m not sure what form that would take. But the Church needs to start having this conversation.
Prostitution wouldn’t be ideal but its an honest transaction, unlike Tinder hookups. If you’re going to make sex a commodity you may as well formalize it.
Theologians like Augustine and Aquinas argued in favour of legal prostitution (albeit while still mainitng premarital sex was a sin), reasoning that without a sewer then the filth will flow into the streets.
Prostitution and hookups are already an option, if one is willing to go that route. But the issue here is with the Church and what is allowed for its members. The Church has to have a serious discussion on this.
I think I’ll leave the discussion there. I was curious where your ideas would lead, and it’s led to the church not only sanctioning, but promoting sexual sin.
I think you’ve proved the point.
Only if you beg the question by assuming that it’s sexual sin.
Replying to your response on Question #12. Why specifically would it be wrong for him to try prostate stimulation without his wife? At this point he doesn’t even know if he’d enjoy it, which would make the whole question moot if he doesn’t like it.
I too have a spouse who wanted no parts of prostate play but did not object to my experimentation. Using a PicoBong vibrator I could achieve hands-free orgasm after several minutes focusing on just massaging my prostate with the vibrating toy. After getting my wife to read several articles about the enjoyment derived from prostate massage ( 1. Prostate_Infographic_20150825_800.jpg 800×3,955 pixels & 2. prostate-orgasm-5-stages.jpg 453×1,440 pixels were particularly helpful) she agreed to occasionally incorporate this activity & toy into our love making. It has been very gratifying having her involved in enhancing my pleasure.
Oh, sorry, I didn’t explain that one very well. I’m personally against solo masturbation. I think sex is intended to be a shared experience between husband and wife.
If you’re interested, I go into more detail about why here: Why masturbation is a problem, whether you’re married or single
Your infographics didn’t come through, but I found them for those who are interested:
I’m glad she decided to join you.
In question 6, the woman shared she is nauseous, not that she is having symptoms related to excess stomach acid. Even so can you share the pathway that small amount of an alkaline substance would exacerbate such symptoms? Acidic foods like citrus fruits are more likely to exacerbate such symptoms. If you can cite the pathway that shows something else, I’d like to see it.
Ranitidine has been pulled from the market.
If the woman is nauseous, it is because the nausea/vomiting center in her brain has been triggered. This can be triggered by the taste or smell of something the brain perceives as noxious.
Unless a man is dehydrated it is doubtful drinking water would change the viscosity.
I’m going to guess you’re in the medical field. I love having knowledgeable people to bounce ideas off of. As such, I hope you can address my confusion with some of your points.
I can’t cite a pathway, that’s well outside of my area of study. I’ll leave that to you to figure out the specific cause, how much alkaline would be needed, etc..
All I know is that I’ve read from dozens of women who said that taking an antacid helped them with this specific symptom with this specific cause, and more than a few stating that same cause. When everyone is saying they’re experiencing the same thing, the same thing helps, and here’s the reason – well, it seemed like common knowledge. So, I have your word (who I don’t know at all) against the testimony of dozens. I don’t know who to believe. But, I appreciate your input. Maybe someone smarter than either of us can figure it out.
Except this doesn’t explain the many women who get the same reaction despite no issue with the taste, smell, idea, etc.. There seems to be something physical triggering it that doesn’t rely on individual tastes. As well, I get nauseous when I haven’t eaten in a long while (skipped breakfast, fasting, etc.). I’ve been told by doctors that it’s because there’s too much acid in my stomach and nothing for it to process. So, it seemed entirely plausible to me as I experience similar symptoms due to excess acid.
Let’s just stick with the name Zantac since everyone knows what that is. Thanks for the heads up. Do you have a recommendation for an alternative?
My understanding is that most people are dehydrated, at least, that’s what I keep hearing over and over again from the medical community. And as well, anecdotally, I can personally definitely tell a difference in viscosity based on how much water I’ve been drinking.
On swallowing causing nausea….. My wife swallows with no issues and actually enjoys it. That said, of the women I was with sexually before my wife (12 in all), I can say reactions to semen in the mouth and then going down the throat are about 50/50–50% are OK with it, 50% not OK. I never knew a woman who trained herself to learn to swallow and not find it gross. The women who did swallow, including my wife, swallow because they actually enjoy it. My wife never taught herself to be OK with it; she just is and she would tell you she literally enjoys it when I cum in her mouth. With one exception, every women I’ve been with has enjoyed giving blowjobs. But only half are OK with swallowing and actually enjoy it.