Christian couples have a lot of questions about what is and isn’t allowed in the marriage bed. One of them is whether or not sex toys are allowed. Can we use sex toys? Should we use sex toys? There are different opinions on this, but, as with always, we want to go to the Bible for answers. So, what do we find when we look up sex toys in the Bible?
It’s silent on the topic. So, we’re left up to logic and personal preference really. Logically, there is one basic guideline I think we should use:
Any toy should be used to enhance the relationship with your spouse. If it detracts from it, or becomes the focus, or your relationship becomes dependent on it, then it’s harming you, not helping. Get rid of it.
So, for my marriage this means:
- We don’t use lifelike toys, because, well, it just feels wrong. I don’t have a biblical backing for this, I would not say this is a Christian principle. To us, it just feels too close to bringing someone else in.
- We don’t use toys separately without each other present. Because, well, we don’t believe solo masturbation is within God’s will. We believe it harms marriages, and so we don’t masturbate alone.
- We don’t use toys that the other is uncomfortable with, morally opposed to, or otherwise has reasons not to want it. That said, we do our best to keep an open mind in our marriage about new things (so long as they are in keeping with God’s guidance for sex).
I do get a few searches from Christians looking for information on sex toys. Whether they can use them, recommendations, reviews, etc.. So, I’m going to start addressing the topic more in the near future, because I think this is an area where many Christians are curious, but have nowhere to turn. Most places on the internet are so full of porn and nude models that it’s not even safe to go virtual window shopping anymore. (If you are looking for a safe shopping experience, check out MarriedDance.com)
Last week I ran a survey on using sex toys in your marriage. Usually I run a survey to gain insight into a particular question, but this time I was just curious because I know I was going to write this post, and frankly, there isn’t enough material from the Bible to talk about, so I wanted to at least give you some useful, or at least interesting information. So, I’m afraid I have no burning question that was answered. But there are some interesting points at the bottom. If you don’t want to read the stats, you can jump straight there.
For those who want all the details, here you go:
Total number of respondents: 149
- Male – 64%
- Female – 35%
- Declined to answer – 1%
How many years married
- First Year – 1%
- 2-5 Years – 9%
- 6-10 Years – 11%
- 11-15 Years – 21%
- 16-20 Years – 15%
- 21-25 Years – 12%
- 26-30 Years – 14%
- 31-35 Years – 10%
- 36-40 Years – 4%
- 41-45 Years – 1%
- Declined to answer – 1%
How old are you?
- 21-25 – 3%
- 26-30 – 6%
- 31-35 – 12%
- 36-40 – 20%
- 41-45 – 13%
- 46-50 – 17%
- 51-55 – 17%
- 56-60 – 7%
- 61-65 – 1%
- 66-70 – 1%
- 76-80 – 1%
- Declined to answer – 1%
How old is your spouse?
- 21-25 – 3%
- 26-30 – 5%
- 31-35 – 15%
- 36-40 – 18%
- 41-45 – 13%
- 46-50 – 15%
- 51-55 – 19%
- 56-60 – 6%
- 61-65 – 3%
- 76-80 – 1%
- Declined to answer – 3%
OK, so 1% of the “Declined to answer” here corresponds to 1% of the previous question. Someone didn’t want to share their ages. That’s OK, no problem. I’m curious about the other 2%…do they not know their spouses age?
How often do you have sex?
- Never – 1%
- Less than once a year – 1%
- Less than once a month – 3%
- Once a month – 5%
- Every 3 weeks – 2%
- Every 2 weeks – 7%
- 1 day a week – 21%
- 2 days a week – 22%
- 3 days a week – 17%
- 4 days a week – 9%
- 5 days a week – 4%
- 6 days a week – 3%
- More than once a day – 1%
- Declined to answer – 2%
Have you ever owned a sex toy?
- No – 23%
- Yes – 77%
People who have owned toys
What kind of toy(s) have you owned?
This one is harder to show, because of the variety of answers. So, I’m going to pick the top 6.
- Vibrator – 95%
- Plug – 14%
- Dildo – 44%
- Penis Ring – 52%
- Rope/Cuffs – 26%
- Blindfold – 32%
There were various other answers from spreader bars to hog-ties to nipple clamps to bullets to specific names of toys to edible pastes, and on and on. Don’t worry, I got your answers.
How often do you use sex toys for masturbation?
- Never – 49%
- Less than once a year – 14%
- Less than once a month – 16%
- Once a month – 4%
- Every 3 weeks – 2%
- Every 2 weeks – 5%
- Once a week – 7%
- Twice a week – 1%
- 3 times a week – 1%
- Declined to answer – 2%
How often do you use sex toys with your spouse?
- Never – 15%
- Less than once a year – 12%
- Less than once a month – 21%
- Once a month – 12%
- Every 3 weeks – 4%
- Every 2 weeks – 13%
- Once a week – 13%
- Twice a week – 6%
- 3 times a week – 1%
- 4 times a week – 2%
- 5 times a week – 2%
- Declined to answer – 1%
Who do the toys get used on?
- Me – 20%
- My Spouse – 37%
- Both – 36%
- Declined to answer – 7%
Why do you use sex toys?
This is another difficult one to show the results of. Many said for variety or because it was the only way they, or their spouse could orgasm. Others said that they used toys early on in their marriage, but then stopped, for various reasons. Many people answered “they’re fun”, or “to experiment” or “to try something new”.
What is your favorite toy?
Again, hard to depict. I should say that the brand LELO got mentioned a few times (I agree, they make awesome products) as well as the WeVibe (another winner in our books as well). Many mentions of bullet vibes and bondage gear as well.
People who haven’t owned toys
Why haven’t you purchased any toys?
- I don’t think my spouse would approve – 66%
- I haven’t thought about it – 9%
- I think sex toys are weird – 6%
- I think sex toys are wrong (morally) – 3%
- I’m too scared/embarrassed to buy one – 6%
- Just never tried them/not ready/don’t need one – 11%
What kind of toy would you be interested in buying if you did?
Most people answered with some sort of vibrator, and a few mentioned specifically something to help with having orgasms.
Do you use lubricant during sex?
- Always – 18%
- Almost always – 19%
- More often than not – 8%
- Half of the time – 11%
- Usually not – 16%
- Almost never – 15%
- Never – 11%
- Declined to answer – 1%
Any other information you would like to add?
Many answers here again. A lot of talk about spouses not being open to the idea. That was probably the #1 idea that came through.
Analyzing this data was a bit frustrating. Usually something interesting jumps out at me. I was looking for correlations and couldn’t find much. I wasn’t until I added a third criteria of gender that the data started showing correlations. A few of my findings are:
- Women who owned more toys stated they had more frequent sex. Men did not. This seems correlation seems pretty strong in fact.
- Women who own vibrators claim to have more sex vs. those who don’t.
- Women who own plugs claim to have more sex vs. those who don’t.
- The same is true for dildos, penis rings, ropes/cuffs, and blindfolds.
- All women who have owned a sex toy have owned a vibrator. It seems to be the preferred first toy.
- The more sex you have, the less likely you will use a toy on your own. This shows far more strongly in the women’s responses, but then they are far more likely to use toys solo as well. Probably due to the fact that the majority of toys are for use on women.
- The more often you use sex toys with your partner, the more often you have sex. But this is a little like saying “the more often you put on your swim suit, the more often you go swimming”.
- People who use lube less often have more sex, or people who have more sex use lube less often.
- In women, there is a correlation between length of comments and sexual frequency….I would guess this is due to the fact that women who are willing to talk about sex more are more likely to be open to more frequent sexual intimacy.
And the commenter “happywife” below asked about a correlation between age and lubricant use. Turns out, yes there is (86% correlation the way I have the ages grouped, and removing the age ranges with only one respondent). It seems that, generally, older couples need lubricant more often. This is not really any surprise. What is a bit odd is the sudden spike at the 26-30 year old range. I’m not sure how to explain that one.
Then, finally, this one jumped out:
Couples who own vibrators have sex almost twice as often (on average twice a week instead of once a week). This is odd, because the other toys (plug, dildo, penis ring, rope/cuffs, blindfold) had no noticeable correlation. Neither did whether or not the couple had ever owned a sex toy. So, do couples who have sex more often like vibrators more, or do vibrators cause more sex? Or perhaps having sex more often makes orgasm harder, so you need a vibrator (this is what my wife tells me). What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.
71 thoughts on “Are sex toys allowed in a Christian marriage?”
I find the lube one interesting. Was there a correlation between age and lube use?
And, my experience with frequency of sex and orgasm is that the more sex we are having, the easier and better orgasm is.
It would make sense that toy users have more frequent sex… toy users are going to be sex positive couples to begin with, so the fact that only the vibrator users are having more sex is interesting. I do have to wonder if there is a correlation between use of vibrators and ease of orgasm with/without. That wouldn’t answer the why of the sexual frequency though, just the why of the frequency of the vibe use. hmmmm…
Good question about the lube vs. age. I ran a quick analysis, and it turns out there is a correlation (not a huge surprise). Though the 26-30 year olds have me a bit confused. I’ve edited the post to include the data and a chart.
Jay Dee perhaps the spike correlates to the age when people are most likely to be getting married and when people first get married it’s common to use lube as people get used to sex? that’s the only thing I can think of.
Pretty sure the lube thing with the younger age groups is caused by birth control. When I was on birth control (just got off of it, actually) it caused me to be very dry. ALWAYS. Pretty much no matter what. Not even off of it a month and I can already tell a difference.
That’s definitely a possibility, we noticed the same thing in our marriage.
I have a guess or an idea about why there might be an increased need in that lower age group.
Childbearing can sort of, you know, set a woman back physically in terms of ability to respond, whether it’s during pregnancy sickness or being huge, stretched, and awkward, or following birth…
I think that could be a big factor in increased lubricant use during those years.
I’m 29, female, married for 10 years, currently pregnant.
The 26-30 year olds could have spiked because those are child-bearing years, and women who are breastfeeding naturally have lower estrogen (which can cause vaginal dryness) and are therefore more likely to use a lubricant.
The results are quite interesting, for sure. I’m most intrigued by the lack of folks who don’t use toys and have sex often. We incorporated toys into the bedroom when we were younger in our marriage (we’re in our early 30’s and married for 12 years). However, we also used porn then also. When God saved us, we ditched it all, because it was, to us, a reminder of our unholiness. In the last 6 years, we’ve become quite good at attaining orgasm without toys. It’s pretty fun to figure it out on your own! I also think that the more you orgasm, the more you want to make love. We are in the 2-3 times a week category usually.
It’s good to flee from things that could bring you back to sin. I’m glad you figured out how to orgasm without them!
That would be another interesting survey, to see what factors effect orgasm rates, and if they in turn predict more sex.
Sounds like we have a fair bit in common (30’s, married 12 years, kids, 2-3 times a week frequency, saved from porn).
Maybe the 26-30 group is most likely to be having and nursing babies? My husband and I seem to use it more when I’m nursing.
Yeah, I had that thought as well. Are people still having kids that young? My wife and I did, but we seem to be the minority these days.
I must admit, the psychologist in me picked up one slight flaw in the survey… the survey kind of assumes that sex toy use is either with your spouse or with yourself. Particularly in regards to the “how often do you use sex toys for masturbation” versus “how often do you use them with your spouse” after the “do you use them” question. I had to select yes to using them, and no to spouse and self. It’s complicated because I did use them during my first marriage because my first husband liked them. I’d love to use ropes/ties etc with my second husband and I’ve told him this but he’s a very vanilla guy, when I can actually get him to have sex at all.
that was my first thought..
I think the 26-30 age range deals with child-bearing ages as well. Nursing can cause some dryness and not having lots of time with kids.
You really didn’t talk about the subject “are toys allowed” as you titled the post.
Sure the Bible doesn’t specifically mention T-O-Y-S in the bedroom but I’m sure there are plenty of biblical principles that can be applied. “Are they allowed” is one question. Paul says all things are permitted, but not all things are profitable (1 Cor 6:12). Maybe we should ask “are they profitable”?
I’m open to the idea. She, not so much. I’m curious how you talk to a reluctant spouse about this. Her thing is “why in the world would we want to do that?” Both of us can orgasm without. God gave us hands, mouths, and other body parts. Why should we bring a (battery operated) man-made device into the bedroom? You just want these things because we saw it in porn! Isn’t this just objectifying and de-humanizing sex?
The statistics are interesting, but I hoped to hear more real discussion on this topic.
Yeah, I agree, I didn’t talk much about it, because I don’t find much in the bible about it. Frankly, I never got the objections you raised, so I didn’t have much to go on except what the Bible says (which is nothing really). I thought I did go with the “profitable” route, though I didn’t cite it directly. Perhaps I should have been stronger on that point, or elaborated more. Thanks for the feedback.
As for more discussion. Well, additional discussion are what the comments section is for, so thanks for bringing about more discussion.
How do you talk to a reluctant spouse about it? Well, it depends. If her reluctance is merely a “I don’t understand why.” Then you can let her know you want to try things that would bring her more pleasure.
To the specific objections:
Yes, God gave us all these things (hands, mouths, etc.), but God didn’t directly give us ovens or cars either, yet we use them. God also didn’t create the printing press directly, but we use that to print Bibles. Now, I’m not comparing a sex toy to a Bible, but rather the principle. Just because something wasn’t directly created by God, doesn’t mean it is inherently bad. What other things are you brining into your bedroom? The bed, the sheets, candles, music, the fact that you have a bedroom. All these are considered “OK” man-made things, but a toy is not?
How does it objectify and dehumanize sex? Are you not going to be using it together? One bringing the other pleasure? In what way does that dehumanize it. Does it dehumanize romance or love if you buy her a card and give it to her? Or flowers? After all, you are using something other than yourself to show love.
Now, if her reluctance is an actual opposition to the toys, then it may not be worth fighting about. I mean, if you have to force the issue, then I’d argue that you are sacrificing the relationship for the sake of the toy, and that’s not profitable.
My husband and I are in the more ‘mature’ age range…58 and 48. And this is a second marriage for both of us.
Lubricant is becoming more needed these days, partly due to my entering menopause and partly due to not having much more than a quickie on the weekends because of my husband’s horrible work hours which do not allow time during the week for sex…and now he’s staying out of town all week and working 14-16 hour days. So my body isn’t always ready as quickly as I’d like. 😉
I think the spike during the 26-30 age range might be due to childbearing. Breastfeeding can cause drying and also with little children, it could be that quickies are more of a necessity which can mean the wife is not ready as soon. And another thought I had while writing this…perhaps that age group is experimenting with anal sex more, so more lube is being used??
A bullet is our toy of choice as it allows me to climax during intercourse, which is virtually impossible without taking hours to get there…okay, kind of an exaggeration, but feels like it. I admit though, using it makes me feel a little ‘broken’ if you will. Wish I could get there without it, although I can during oral or manual.
And I have to agree with happywife, the more we have sex the easier it is for me to reach orgasm. And that has been quite frustrating lately, since we only make love once on the weekend. I feel like my window for achieving one is diminished and lately it hasn’t been happening. And I know, I know, everyone says not to make it the focus, but honestly, when you know it’s going to be another whole week before the chance to try again, well it does make me want to try hard to make it happen. 🙁
That must be frustrating. Hopefully it is a short term circumstance (his work hours). I 100% understand wanting to get to that orgasm when you know it’s going to be a while before the next one.
I also find the age vs lube interesting. At the time of being in that age bracket of 26-30 I would have fit in that category of needing lube, but not from children. It was from trying to get my husband to approach sex from my way, once I approached from his perspective, I automatically started to self lubricate.
We noticed a similar change. Funny how a change in mindset can result in increased lubrication.
I’m interested in hearing more about this.
We didn’t take along any lube on our honeymoon, because I believed we wouldn’t need it. Turns out I was wrong. We were both nervous and…anyways, after that, we just started using lubricant when we got back.
We have sort of habitually used it, although I know there’s nothing wrong with my body’s ability to…you know…
It’s just when we get into starting to try to have sex, it doesn’t happen, or it doesn’t happen fast enough.
If anyone has any ideas, I’m hoping to learn about them.
Just to cause trouble – the Bible is silent on both sex toys and masturbation, so shouldn’t both be “left up to logic and personal preference”?
I think we need to go about looking at each in the same way. I do actually see you doing that, but your starting place for how you share about them is different.
BTW, dildos were very common among Egyptians during the Jewish captivity, so “sex toys” were certainly know to those who received God’s Laws. Makes the silence on the issue a bit louder!
No trouble Paul, discussion is always welcome.
I know we disagree on this, but I believe all sex was intended to be shared with your spouse. Be that oral sex, manual sex, phone sex, cyber sex, self-sex, etc.. We say that oral sex with a person who is not your spouse is still adultery, and porn use is viewed as adultery, I argue the same can be said about masturbation. It is sex without your spouse.
As such, to me, the Bible is not silent on that topic.
As for the Egyptians using dildos. That is an interesting fact, thank you!
Thing is your definition is set to exclude masturbation. If we use the definition “sex with someone other than your spouse” then the exclusion vanishes.
OTOH, if someone wants to say “Anyone or anything other than your spouse” then the Bible is not silent about sex toys!
Yes, if someone said that it would be true. But in my mind, it doesn’t logically follow. When you masturbate, the focus is on self, when you have sex, the focus should be on your spouse.
Also, since you brought up what the Bible is silent on given the cultural belief: In Judaism, the teaching at the time was that masturbation was a sin (possibly punishable by death). Why were Jesus and Paul silent on it then? Paul, who wrote so much on sex completely ignores the topic. Would is not be safe to assume that he believed as the Rabbis were teaching, as he would have been taught, and indeed, as a Rabbi, as he would have taught?
The thing is you are painting your thoughts onto Scripture. Silence is silence!
Yes, the Pharisees of Jesus time were very much against masturbation (earlier in history that may not be true). But look at the long list of things they added to God’s Word, and how often Jesus condemned them for it.
Both Paul and Jesus teach about other sexual sins, things the Rabbis taught against, so I don’t see the silence as support for what the Rabbis taught. Beyond that, Paul dealt with Greeks who did not know what the Rabbis taught, and who would culturally have had no problem with masturbation. If silence shows Paul was okay with the cultural norm, then his silence to the Greeks means he is okay with their norm on masturbation.
Thanks for the debate!
A separate reply on the issue of focus.
We both know a lot of folks have married sex totally focused on their-selves. I’m no more for that than you are, but the fact that something can be done selfishly does not make it wrong.
Beyond that, I don’t think masturbation is always self-centred – at least not any more so than eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom or otherwise taking care of one’s body. If you are separated from your spouse, masturbation while thinking of them is not just about you. It keeps your sexuality connected to them, and protects you from temptation. For women masturbation while apart can keep her fires burning so she is able to pick up where they left off when they are together again. I see that as being spouse focused.
Then there are the women who learn to climax via masturbation and then teach their husband. The reality is there are women who try for years with a husband who is more than willing, but it does not happen. Encouraged to explore on their own, these women can become orgasmic, not just along, but with their husband. While this is certainly good for her, it is very much good for the couple.
To clarify, I am not arguing that everyone should be masturbating. I marriage I think it should be very limited in marriage. Singles should show some restraint, but apart from masturbation virtually none will reach 18 without falling into sexual sin. It is all well and good to say they can do it in God, but the facts say otherwise. I suspect the problem is God provided “a way of escape” that some have called sin. When you reject God’s way of escape, He is not obligated to provide another one (http://www.ahajokes.com/reg28.html).
To me this is a matte of personal conviction. If someone feels God has told them not to masturbate, then they should not. If they feel it is sin to do it, they should not. If neither of those apply, I think they seek God for His wisdom on balance.
Sorry about hijacking the comments!
I agree with everything you say. I do have a question,sort of off topic,I guess. My husband has emotionally abused me in the past and still continues to hurt my feelings INS regular basis,which he completely denies. This has completely diminished my desire for him sexually. He doesn’t understand that a woman needs to feel safe emotionally in order to feel comfortable sexually or even just safe in general. He says I’m makomg excuses but I’m not. There’s no emotional connection during sex when we do have it because he’s never tried to make things right or say sorry,have compassion for me ..he is now blaming me for his masturbating. However he lied about it and got mad when I asked about it.
I’m not 100% sure what your question was. Have you tried talking about the situation without accusing him? Lots of “I” statements?
The problem with this situation is that you have a cycle now. You’re not having sex because you feel emotionally unsafe, which in turn contributes to him behaving the way he is, which in turn contributes to you feeling emotionally unsafe and not having sex. Round and round we go. Somehow the cycle needs to be broken.
I go into this cycle more in Is Sex a Need or a Want
Also, I’d suggest checking out my post on effective conflict resolution, and make sure you are applying those principles when you discuss the topic.
Jay, first off, thanks for mentioning us in the post! It truly is an honor to be featured to your readers. We loved the stats and seeing the wide range of activities within various age groups. We’re hoping to see the toy use increase within the Christian community because honestly, Christian couples are simply missing out! By the way, we are in your camp Jay, we don’t support overly life like products. Any toy should enhance the bedroom intimacy, nothing more. It should never be the focus. For example, for us, toys are “accessories” in our bedroom. Sometimes we wait 30 minutes until foreplay has us both going to use toys. To each their own though! Within a committed marriage relationship, toys can truly be an area of freedom for both spouses!
We also loved how you broke down that one spouse should never force the other to do something they disagree with or feel uncomfortable with. That is not showing Christ’s love to the other.
Thanks again for featuring us! We hope your readers find what they’re looking for when shopping with us 🙂
I think all married couples should have a nice stash of sex toys! But I am in agreement with you on some boundaries. My husband and I don’t use life-like products, although there have been times we have engaged in solo masturbation (primarily if we are apart…he was deployed to Iraq for 13 months, there was definitely some need for that), although I get your point in that many people use porn or fantasize about other people during masturbation, which can be dangerous.
I think that sex toys have been stigmatized because of the packaging and what they are sold in conjunction with. More Christian sex toy stores are needed to offer products in a non-pornographic environment. I have one online and I’d like to one day open up a local shop (although some people may be afraid they’d see their pastor there!). In any case, we all need to open up about sex and remember that it is a gift, not a sin, to have great sex with your spouse! Great post!
As to the 26-30 yr. old spike in lube use, is it possible that these are women who are still bearing children and their body chemistry is in frequent flux as to estrogen which interferes with the production of their own lubricant? OR Is it possible these couples are higher frequency users of sex toys which require lubrication for comfort? OR Are they are practicing more frequent masturbation requiring lube for comfort and enhanced pleasure? OR Is it possible a significant number of these younger and perhaps higher-educated couples are experimenting with various forms of anal sex play which require copious amounts of lube for comfort? It could be any or all in combination which are skewing the data for that age group.
Yes, all possible. We don’t know. Perhaps we can clarify in a later survey.
My husband wants to use some toys but is it right to buy them if you are a Christian. .
Well, what are his reasons for wanting to use toys? What are your objections to buying them?
To try something different that is why
And your objections?
My husband thinks that I want sex toys to focus on my pleasure and that I’m being selfish. However, it takes forever to orgasm and he doesn’t want to use anything except penetration.
Perhaps he’s intimidated by toys, that he feels he’s going to be replaced by them. What if you were to use your own fingers instead?
Actually, it is quite frightening to read this article. Either you have been misinformed or are completely ignorant of what the Scriptures do say about the use of such idols in the marriage bed. “Sex Toys”, as they are called, are an abomination unto God. The ancient Israelites used these “toys” in the worship of Ba’al. They originally derive from Nimrod, or Osiris of ancient Egypt. It was the male phallus that was fashioned by the Hebrews out of silver and gold and used by women as a sexual toy. This angered YHWH, the LORD God of Israel tremendously. Perhaps, you could reread your Scriptures, especially Ezekiel, and more specifically chapter 16 – verse 17 for example. Not only are you giving unbiblical advice, you are causing people to sin. I sincerely give many the benefit of the doubt that they have not been told such things – but then, I suppose more would know what God states if they would simply read their Bibles rather than trusting men to read it to them once a week.
It is my understanding that the passage in Ezekiel is talking about spiritual adultery…not sex toys.
The Bible often (very often in fact) uses the relationship between a husband and wife, particularly the sexual component as an analogy of the relationship between God and man (be it individual or as a church body), but nowhere does it hint that this is a sexual relationship. I believe it is merely that sex is the closest we get to that intimate a relationship as we should have with God, and will in heaven.
In order to make that passage about physical sex (and thus sex toys by extension), one has to ignore the rest of scripture that deals with spiritual adultery.
However, I agree, no one should what I say as truth. They should study the Bible themselves.
Oh, and even if it was talking about sex toys, then I believe the New Testament principle of food served to idols is in play here. We are not using these toys to worship other gods. Just because they have been used for improper things, does not mean they themselves are evil or sinful. Otherwise, we’d have to exclude sex from marriage…because it’s been used improperly throughout history.
Closed mindedness leads to self righteousness and being judgmental!
Hi onewomanman, I too am a one woman man and have been for over fifty years. Most of your post I agree with but find your reluctance to consider various situations that can crop up in a marriage. I find it strange that you speak about God giving us ” hands, mouths and other body parts”. Strange, no mention of our primary sex organ, the vagina and penis. Is it that you get off on oral sex more than normal intercourse. Nuff of that, many years ago I sustained a major spinal trauma. I was laid up for many months then spent seven years in bed followed by several years in an electric wheelchair. Intervention by a specialist saw some improvement in my situation. Sadly, not enough to enable me to make love to my beautiful wife. I lost the ability, not just to “perform” but to even visualise a scenario in which my wife and I engaged in intercourse. What to do, she was a sexually healthy woman who had physical needs who, during the time I was confined to bed, took control of her thinking enough to do without sex but once her sexual buttons had been switched on again, she found that really difficult. As I said, what to do. She had a husband who could not even think up a sexual encounter and I have plenty of memories that could have been used, if I could access them but I could not. I was left with a quandary. In the end I suggested that I help her manually, with my hands and fingers. Problem number (?) I was born with very short fingers which made penetration difficult and while we know a clitoral orgasm is available, it isn’t always as good as penetration to a woman, my wife being one. So, as a last resort I suggested that we try a vibrator with me being the operator. I did not like to use that for a variety of reasons, the least of which was my self-esteem. I persevered for her sake? I had a lot more to say and did so but foe some reason half was deleted. Maybe I will do a part II. God bless everyone I will leave that with the Moderator to deliberate on.p
I’m not sure what I’m to deliberate on. I haven’t deleted any comments.
my favorite question is “do you use lubricant during sex?” the fact that most people said “yup” just means ya’ll are way to inhibited/don’t know that women under 40 don’t require freakin’ lube (if you’re doing it right). yikes.
While I’m not sure that applies in all cases, I will agree that as we continue to make sex better for both of us, I find we need lubricant less and less.
Having had some problems with ED, toys have been very helpful in my being able to satisfy my wife. I have the libido I just haven’t had the desired reaction to the drive. My wife was a bit skeptical at first but changed her view point. I personaly find nothing wrong with them as long as they are used to inhance your relationship. I enjoy pleasing my wife and if toys is what I need due some sort of problem, then toys are what I will use. Just because I can’t doesn’t she should have to do without. Besides, if you have the proper connections a replica can be made, which is what we did.
My husband had problems with ED and toys (esp Jack Rabbit vibrator — sorry to offend those opposed to life-like replicas) definitely helped. In fact, I reached such huge orgasms that made me wonder if I ever had one before. This pleased him immensely! So, sex toys greatly improved our sex life, improving our marriage with intimacy. It made me want to have sex more often.. that and realizing (after a friend told me of discovering her husband’s affair of the previous several years) that I was so blessed to have a loving, faithful, caring, godly husband who’s stuck by me thru all the ups & downs of our 20+ years of marriage. Our sex life has jumped from 1-3/week to daily! Toys are still used, but definitely not always. My “awakening” has lasted 5 months now, which has also improved his ED. Toys are great when the spirit is willing but his flesh is weak — not to be heretical, but our physical bodies are still under the curse. Toys are not a substitute for our relationship (only used together), but have enhanced it. He calls me the wife of his youth (Prov 5:18).
Oh, and about lubricant — I can’t say enough about cold-pressed unrefined virgin coconut oil!! Works great & tastes great! 😉
Thanks for sharing. And yes, I agree about coconut oil.
I’d have been interested to know what age groups used the toys most.
According to the data we have, it seems that after the age of 35, people are about 20% more likely to have a sex toy (from 60% to 80%).
At first I wasnt sure if it was okay, because people dont usually talk about their loving usage of toys within their marraige….you only hear about them or see them in a pornographic light. My man and i have known eachother for 10 years, best of friends. We finally made the commitment and here we are. God made the both of us very interested in making the other smile, in any way that might be. Im not sure why but the other day we got talking and deciced itd be fun to try toys, and we got some that day. The store was awkward….. lol..but we knew our intent. And i have to say, regular sex is wonderful, as we all know. But it wasnt apparent until the use of toys that we were still shy about it. Shy about expressing emotion and enjoyment during our love making. The toys and other things kind of brought us closer in all matters. Theres a trust that wasnt there before. Ice breaker perhaps. Now regular sex seems so much more intimate and romantic, spiritual. Even our conversations seem more connected. Im Not saying the toy has granted us a better marraige like it is some magical object…but for Us, it happened to be that experience together that tore down our individual walls of previous emotional abuse and distrust. We are very young, by the way, which may be why we still needed to find trust.
Hebrews 13:4 The Marriage bed is undefiled. Very simple if the husband and wife agree and it does not violate specific New Testament teaching it is permitted.
Using the standard some have given the use of a lubricant would be as wrong as the use of an aid. I believe aid is a better word than toy because most use those things too make sex more enjoyable for one or both parties. Sex with your spouse helps the brain create chemically the love/bonding cocktail. What ever we do to improve sex also improves the odds of the marriage being successful.
I’ll admit I’ve not read all of the comments on this article so maybe what I’m about to say has already been covered BUT… Basically my question/ thoughts I’d like input on (though I suspect I know the answer) is: if my husband doesn’t want sex, and despite my years of trying to improve things in varyingg ways, with varying strategies, still refuses to even talk about our lack of intimacy (I’m not expecting even a change, I just want to have a conversation about or lack of intimacy)… Is it okay for me to use a vibrator/ masturbate? So long as my thoughts don’t involve anyone other than my husband (though I do appreciate my husband’s role is being substituted). I guess were our situation reversed I would be happy for him to masturbate (if I point blank refused to have Sex/ talk about it etc etc) so long as porn wasn’t involved or his thoughts involving someone else.
Sorry to hear your husband is being stubborn about this.
You’ll find varying answers even within the Christian community on this one. My personal belief is that it’s wrong, and you can read my reasoning in this post.
My short answer is that you are side-stepping the real issue by taking matters into your own hands. You’re learning to have a sexual life without your husband, and I think that’s contrary to God’s plan for us.
I’d rather see you put more effort into getting your husband to talk about it. If he’s really stubborn, you may have to bring it to someone you trust in the church, like a pastor or elder (see Matthew 18:15-17).
I agree and understand. I am half tempted to ask him to buy me one to see what reaction it might provoke to push him out of stubbornness!
And if he buys you one? I think you’d be safer with a separation until he’s ready to discuss your marriage, but that’s just my opinion, not a prescription.
I have not had an O in a while. I think like 2 that i can remember. I have been married 8 yrs this summer. Plus i believe i have no desire to have sex. I only do it because it benefits my husband. He has commented on how he woukd like to nake me O but i say i am happy to make him happy. Of course i would like to feel an O made by my husband, but i have given up and just say i cant have an O because of child birth (2) stretching. Imhave thought about aides but to be honest for myself because i am too embarrassed to ask him plus i know its wrong by myself especially in secret. Plus what if he is grossed out that i asked? Then it majes me seem like i want an aide for me which is probably true. I would like to feel an O. Plus bit sure if this has anything to do with my lack of O but i was sexually abused by my father from 4 to 18 so i think there is a sexual block there somewhere. Counseling is not an option. Husband says we can fix it ourselves by more intimacy, prayer and forgetting about past.
I would encourage you to talk to him about it. More communication is almost always a good thing. And, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to experience an orgasm, especially since your husband has expressed a desire to see you have one as well. Maybe he’d be excited about the idea?
I am a widow now for just a little over a year now. I am in my early 60″s and when having memories of my husband and I being intimate, arouses the want in me for his touch and desire for him, which is impossible to have. Would it be wrong to have a sex toy? I have talked to a very close friend, who also is a widow and she said, she doesn’t think it is wrong. I have mixed emotions, please help me know your thoughts on this.
My condolences on your loss. I struggled for a long time on how to respond to this question, but I finally wrote a post on the topic.
You can read it here.
My husband had a porn addiction in the first 7 years of our marriage, (actually he had the addiction for a long time before that, he just forgot to tell me about is before we got married. Literally we only had sex 5 times in that 7 years period. I was miserable and even that few times he made me feel like a piece of meat…it was horrible! I didn’t have anyone before him, so it was all an undiscovered area in my life…I just know something was broken in his head when it came to sex. Later he became sick and impotent, otherwise our marriage got better, but sexually now we have another reason why we don’t have intimacy. Sometimes I think I’m going crazy to stay in the marriage like this, but I don’t want to leave him. I know God put us together for a reason. I know he changed tremendously and loves me, but he doesn’t seem to love me enough to think about my lack of sex in the past 12 years..When I bring up the subject he is not comfortable talking about it, and even after I told him that I’m still healthy and I have needs, he just doesn’t approach me sexually because he doesn’t have the need to be sexual anymore, since he became impotent and his libido disappeared. I asked him about sex toys, but he was not open about it. I’m 46 he is 50 years old…so we have many more years ahead of us not to live our life like this. So my question…what can I do?
Something like “Not talking about our lack of sex isn’t an option. It’s making me miserable. I’m going to talk to our pastor about it, and you’re welcome to come if you like.”
Erm, I never asked this question myself, however great article and great survey. It seems people these days are really into more kinky spicy stuff. If you are going to use toys just choice which one are the right for you and discuss it with your partner.
My wife has always struggled with being able to reach orgasm. She doesn’t orgasm from intercourse, and never has been able to. She does enjoy receiving oral, and I can normally get her over the top easily. But about 10 years ago, I suffered a neck injury that put the dampers on her oral pleasure, so I purchased her a basic bullet vibrator. She had never used one before, and was a little apprehensive at first. But she got over that quickly, and the vibrator has since become one of our bedroom favorites. Since then, my neck has improved to the point that I can again pleasure her orally occasionally, and the vibrator has become a great standby for when I’m not up for it.
Honestly, neither one of us has ever had any convictions that what we are doing is wrong. She doesn’t use it alone, and it has not replaced intercourse. In fact, anytime we use it, intercourse immediately follows. We both see it for what it is, an aid in providing her with an orgasm, and nothing more.
Is it a sin if a married person use a sex toy when their partner can’t preform because of Health reasons with their heart and on medicine for the heart.
My viewpoint is that if you’re using it together so that it’s a shared experience, then, yeah, it’s fine. At least you’re working on being intimate together.
However, if you’re choosing to use it solo rather than deal with the issues, or learning to work around them, then that’s an issue. Make sense?
Good morning, thanks for this article and ask the comments on it.
I think I have a question that I’ve not seen yet on this forum.
My wife and I are very sexual ppl who have opened up our communication about our past lives and it has helped tremendously to give us better sex.
We’ve both were exposed to sexual sin, porn, etc etc at very young ages.
Alot of those things and images and moments are still in our memories and we both don’t know if it’s possible to get rid of them.
I don’t know if they’re the reason we’re both so into sex with each other.
We’re obviously married, have been for over 6 years.
We’ve used toys a little bit in our marriage, we own some, and it does help add spice to marriage.
But we’ve discussed together getting a sex doll and talking dirty to each other during sex time.
Again those 2 things I’ve don’t think have been discussed on here, at I’m curious if you know of the Bible saying they’re a sin, because we both don’t wanna go against God glorious word.
I stated above that we’ve discussed this with each other, and we’re thinking about doing it.
But we wanted some sound advice on the doll thing and talking dirty.
As the man of the house the last thing I wanna do is lead my awesome wife and our marriage down the wrong path of sin.
Thanks so much for your reply.
I’ve written about talking dirty before. Short answer is: I don’t see any issue with it in scripture, given some caveats. I also have a resource for how to start here. But, it sounds like you’re beyond that already.
As for sex dolls, there is no direct scripture against it.
That said, for me, the concern would be that a sex doll is clearly a depiction of a person. So, it’s pretending a third person is involved in sex. To me, this is glorifying something sinful, and thus not okay. Especially if you’re using dirty talk to make it seem more real. Further concern is that role-playing it also normalizes it and you may start to rationalize adding a real third person. That’s my thought anyways.