SWM 054 – Anonymous Questions – February 2020

Jay Dee

SWM 054 – Anonymous Questions – February 2020

Apr 26, 2020

Anonymous questions from February 2020.

Topics include:
How can I become more comfortable masturbating?
Why wouldn’t he use lube?
How to have “team sex” (not what you think)
Husband can’t be emotionally intimate or trust me
Meta discussion about piercings
How do I start to fix my marriage?
Becoming more sexually engaged

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Anonymous questions from February 2020.  Topics include:
How can I become more comfortable masturbating?
Why wouldn't he use lube?
How to have "team sex" (not what you think)
Husband can't be emotionally intimate or trust me
Meta discussion about piercings
How do I start to fix my marriage?
Becoming more sexually engaged

If you’re new here, I try to monthly answer questions from our anonymous Have A Question page  As I have no way to contact these people, there’s no context other than what they give, and I can’t ask any follow up questions.  So, we do our best to answer with what we have.

These are the questions we received in February.

Question 1: What  can I do to become more comfortable with masturbating?

What  can I do to become more comfortable with masturbating? My husband is gone, so finding a person that can help me become more comfortable is out of the question.  I just don’t like doing it. There isn’t really any kind of interest in it.  It takes A LOT to get me turned on to even start and it is almost impossible to be able to orgasm at all. What can I do? I try porn, I try reading sex letters from my husband, why is it so hard to orgasm? I’m not fully comfortable with myself. Never have been and I can’t stop from being that way either. Because in my eyes my body is disgusting in some parts so I find myself undesirable. Even if someone tells me otherwise because people lie every day. 

This isn’t the answer you’re going to want, but I’m going to give it anyways.  I don’t think you should get more comfortable masturbating alone.  Personally, I believe that God made sex to be shared in a committed, life-long relationship, that it should be a shared experience, each and everytime, with that person.

Of course, when that person dies, that leaves an ache, of course.  It’s felt emotionally as well as physically for some.

Yet, I still believe that the counsel of “sex is for marriage” persists.  In fact ,there is a passage in 1 Timothy 5 that I would say suggests that if you are a widow and still have these passions, you should seek out a new husband.  

And while much of Christianity doesn’t like the idea of getting married to have sex, the fact it’s biblical.  Both in that 1 Timothy 5 passage as well as in 1 Corinthians 7:9 which says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

So, that’s the first part – if you feel physical desire, then the same advice goes for you as for a virgin girl – wait for marriage, that’s where it’s designed to be shared.

As for not being comfortable with your body, that’s another matter – that doesn’t necessarily need to wait until marriage.  It’s true that having a husband who will compliment you and show you how much he loves your body would help, but you can also do some things on your own.

One would be to be naked more often.  The more often you see yourself naked, the more often you are naked, the more comfortable you will be being naked.

Secondly, you can look at yourself in the mirror, every day, without clothes on, and find something you like.  Whether it’s your smile, your shoulders, your calves, breasts, butt, hips, or elbows.  Find something and compliment yourself.  Next day, find something else, or the same thing until you believe it.

Lastly, you can work on your health – people who are healthy tend to feel healthy.  Get out, go for walks, get some exercise, work on yourself.  Get fit and healthy and see if that helps improve your view of your body.

Or you can get some counseling to help you with your body issues.  Listeners of our podcast get 10% off at Faithful Counseling and you can get started almost immediately.

Question 2: Why wouldn’t he use lube?

Why would a husband push a swollen erection up his wife’s anus using no lube?

I can only think of two reasons:

  1. He’s ignorant about how it feels – either because he doesn’t understand how the body works with regard to sex and lubrication
  2. He’s seen it in porn and decided to emulate it without any concern or regard for your comfort/pleasure/well-being.

Let’s hope it’s the first.  In that case, you need to have a conversation with him about lubrication, if anal sex is something you want to pursue.  If you don’t, then you have to discuss that you’re not interested in that.

If it’s the second case, then you need to have a conversation with him about his porn use.

Either way, you probably need to have a conversation.

Question 3: How to have “team sex”

Do you have any tips for having “team sex”? My husband gets mad at me if I move during sex when he is “doing the work”. Sometimes he likes to have me be on top and for him to just lay there. I have tried explaining multiple times that I want sex to be more of a back and forth synchronized activity and not just be a race to an orgasm, but it falls on deaf ears, mainly because I don’t think he knows what to do to make that happen.

I’m honestly not sure how many people manage to do what you’re describing.  I know what you mean, because I’ve seen it in movies where it’s perfectly choreographed to music and the actors are gracefully moving together in a way that suggests they’re one.

I don’t know how many “real” people manage that.  I know my wife and I can’t.  Whenever we try to have sex “in sync” as it were, we fall out of sync and then it all just stops until one of us starts up again.  

I get the appeal, I mean, I keep trying even knowing it’s not going to work.  It seems like it would be sexy and sensual and amazing.  But, I’m not sure I can give any tips on how to do it.  I’m not even sure if it’s a realistic goal. But if you’re listening to this and you do manage to achieve this level of synchronicity while having sex, let us know in the comments on the blog.

Now, that said, I think slowing down sex to have a more enjoyable and relaxed experience rather than racing to an orgasm is an attainable goal.

And I think you hit the nail on the head – you told him what you want, but he may not really know what that means.  You might have to spell it out for him.  And you may have to adjust your expectations.  What if you tried something simpler instead – something like “no penetration for the first 10 minutes”.  Set a timer, and do all sort of other foreplay things, but no penetrative sex until it goes off.  

Give that a shot, and see if it helps with the “race to an orgasm” feeling.

Question 4: Husband can’t be emotionally intimate or trust me

My husband has told me that he can’t be emotionally intimate with me or trust me because his first wife cheated on him with his best friend. This statement has been made in multiple calm discussions. I am a high spontaneous drive wife and have never denied sex to my husband, but I want emotional intimacy with sex. His stoicism and cold/harsh demeanor make sex very awkward. I have read over 30 relationship books, go to individual counseling, read scripture daily, pray and fast, …  We have talked about it many times and he says he is making progress. He goes to individual therapy every other month and reads some books.  Any suggestions on ways to get through sex when he is stoic and harsh?

I think that’s completely understandable that he has trouble trusting people when his two closest relationships both betrayed him at the same time, with each other.  I’d imagine that can be very difficult to get over.

I have a friend who has openly shared that he did not trust his (second) wife for years because his first wife left him.  They’re at about 15 years of marriage and he says he trusts her now.  

And unfortunately, the work that has to be done is mostly on his side.  You can help by simply being trustworthy, but ultimately he has to be open to rebuilding trust.

In cases like this, I think therapy is probably the correct approach.  I’m a little surprised it’s only every other month.  I don’t know how long these things take, but from what I hear therapy seems to be a very slow process, even when going weekly.  But if he’s seeing progress, then that’s good.  You might just have to be patient.  

The only other thing you can try is to model for him what you want.  If he’s stoic and harsh, then you can try being expressive and loving.  Sometimes love can break through where even therapy has trouble.

Question 5: Meta discussion about piercings

Hello Jay,

I’ve been thinking about body piercings, and I want to extend further into the abstract as well. I think body piercings can be aesthetic choices, just like clothing, makeup, hair style, or tattoos. We make choices about our appearance every day, how to present ourselves.

There are certain piercings that involve male or female genitalia. These choices are really very private, especially in the context of Christian monogamy. For example, a man with such a piercing would share that aesthetic choice only with his wife. I think it’s a wonderful gift to submit to your spouse’s desires. If my spouse says “you look good in red”, by golly I’m going to wear red when I want to get her attention. If she said “it’d be really hot if you got such-and-such piercing”, I’d definitely consider it.

My question is about aesthetic choices that are personal and “selfish”. If we are to present ourselves as offerings, parts of the body of Christ, to some extent we leave behind some ways of presenting ourselves—at least the things outside God’s will. What right do we have to make ourselves attractive according to our own preference?

Some examples:

– a man wears tight clothing to the gym to feel attractive and strong

– a woman pierces her clitoral hood because she wants to highlight a sensual part of her body

– a man buys skimpy men’s underwear because it makes him feel sexy

– a woman shaves her legs and bikini area in order to give herself confidence on a non-sexual first date

All of these choices were made for selfish reasons, not to serve a spouse. Can these choices to make yourself look good glorify God, or are they all just self-serving acts of vanity? Where do we draw the line between taking care of the body to honor it as a part of creation or to serve a spouse, and frivolous, excessive adornment?

Basically, am I allowed to modify my appearance (piercings, tattoos, shaving, haircut, clothing, etc.) for my own enjoyment, or do those choices always have to be for my spouse’s benefit?

I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, especially what it means for unmarried people. I’d enjoy to hear what you and your subscriber forum think up.

Cheers,

Guy With An Earring

I think the issue here is that you are attributing a reason to a behaviour, and you can’t do that.  Just because a guy wears tight clothing to the gym doesn’t mean he’s doing it to feel attractive and strong.  I wear tight shirts when I run because it cuts down on friction burn and it helps wick away sweat.  I usually wear another shirt over top, because – well, no one wants to see me in a skin-tight shirt – including me.  But I’m hoping one day I’ll be able to – because in the summer it’s really hot wearing two layers.  I won’t be doing it to look good – but I’m not doing it now so I won’t be distracted and that way I can focus on my workout.

My wife wears tight clothes when she works out too, and she hates the way she looks in them (I quite enjoy it though).

Likewise with piercings – we can’t guess at their reasons.

So, I think we have to be careful about judgements like that.  I believe we are called to judge fellow believers – when they ask for that judgement so they can be held accountable, and even then, you better be good at communication and have a relationship that can bear the strain of that conversation.

Outside of that – basically you have no authority to do so, and you likely lack the insight to know what’s going on with them.  

As for whether or not you can modify your appearance for yourself or does it have to be for your spouse – I think that’s between you and your spouse, and it depends on what you’re looking at.

If my wife asked me to get a piercing or tattoo – that answer is a flat out no.  I am not interested in the least.  But she’d never ask, because she knows me.

I like for my wife to have long hair – so she does.  Sometimes she gets fed up with it, and I let her know if she wants to cut it off, she can.  But she keeps it long.  

I keep my hair short because it looks professional, when I’m wearing my technology specialist hat, that’s a good look to have.

In other areas of our relationship, things net out differently.

There’s a balance between doing things for our spouse and doing things because they make us feel good / are healthy / are beneficial / are prudent.  Each person is going to have their own calculations for what falls wear. 

Like I said, for me, piercings and tattoos are a hard pass.  But I don’t think any less of anyone else who chooses to.

Question 6: How to do I start to fix this?

I don’t know where to start. All my years of being non-Christian I masturbated all my teenage years and as young adult I had a partner who I had sex every day and multiple times. As you imagine I was extremely active.

When I met my wife we weren’t Christians so we had sex regularly and even before getting married and recent converted we kept having sex but feeling guilty and convinced that was wrong.

We have been married for 7 years and quickly had 3 amazing children. Since the beginning her sex drive went to a point that I had to ask her and push her to have sex, many times I talked to her about it and many times I expressed how I felt, she always said nothing is wrong and avoided the talk. I recently discovered her amazon kindle account and discovered a lot of erotic books and I suspect that she masturbates.

Having to beg for sex and her lack of honesty and communication, created issues to a point of feeling unloved and unappreciated. Finally I drift apart from the Lord due to a lot of anger and other things and started to watch TV shows with erotic content (I never liked porn), masturbation once in a while and started to drink again. 3 years ago with a long distance coworker, we started to flirt and one time on a business trip we finally met in person and I almost slept with her. We were alone in her room and almost naked when I heard the voice of the Lord and I ran away. I stopped everything with her but I got depressed and this led to physical pain. She noticed my depression but I lied and used work and stress as my excuse. I never came clean to her.

I want to say that through all this we kept going to church and God revealed things to me but my heart was already like a stone.

Last month in our church we started a fasting and prayer season and I finally gave my life once more to God and now I am decided to fix all that is wrong.

As I started this post, where do I start?

I love her and I want to fix everything that is wrong in our marriage but she won’t talk to me. A typical night would be me trying to get intimate and she pushing me aside, saying I am tired. This morning we woke up and tried once again and she stepped out of the bedroom. Before I left the house I told her that I don’t like it when she rejects me, and she only said I am not rejecting you.

These days we are having sex 2-3 times per month just because I push her. I know that if I don’t ask we can go forever without sex.

There’s a lot in here.  To break it down:

You had sex before marriage which altered your expectations.  

Her sex drive diminished after getting married – this happens a lot.  In fact, I have a whole post on it called Why Marriage Ruins Sex.  Basically there are a lot of reasons why it does, but it shouldn’t.  In general, it points to something being wrong. Read the post for more info.

You (plural, I’m not assigning blame to one or the other), didn’t address the issues in your marriage.

And that put you both in a place where you could both either be convicted, or harden your hearts.  It seems you both chose the latter.  In your wife’s case, she doubled-down on keeping the status-quo in the marriage.  Yours led to an an affair (with or without sex happening).

Eventually, you finally got convicted, and have returned to God.  It seems your wife might not have yet.  In short – you’re not better than her.  Just a bit further along on the path.  However, you also have a history of departing that path when things get hard, so you’re going to have to be careful about that.

So, what do you do?

First, I’d say you could probably use an accountability partner – someone that can help keep you on track, give you a kick when you’re led astray, and generally help encourage and support you.

Second, love your wife as best you can.  She might not be ready to repent.  I’d suggest a few books, in this order:

  1. Sacred Marriage – Gary Thomas
  2. Keep your love on – Danny Silk
  3. Boundaries – Henry Cloud

If you’ve spend the time it took you to read those books doing your best to love your wife sacrificially, then, perhaps, you might invite your wife to read Intimacy Ignited with you to start a discussion about sex, while also framing it with a biblical context.

If she decides she actually wants to work on the marriage at some point, then I’d consider marriage coaching or counseling.

Question 7: Becoming more sexually engaged

Anonymous questions from February 2020.  Topics include:
How can I become more comfortable masturbating?
Why wouldn't he use lube?
How to have "team sex" (not what you think)
Husband can't be emotionally intimate or trust me
Meta discussion about piercings
How do I start to fix my marriage?
Becoming more sexually engaged

Hello, I just got to know your blog now…and I really would like to have the Becoming more sexually engaged – For Christian Wives course.
How much does it cost?
When will it be available again?
Thanks in advance.

Best regards!

I’m in the process of re-working that course, because, well, wives loved it.  I got lots of emails from wives thanking me for it.  Unfortunately, the software I was using to run it wasn’t working terribly well for it anymore, and I wanted to add some more interaction to help people adopt the material even better.  So, I’m moving it to a new platform.  I just haven’t finished yet.

So, stay tuned as I’m reworking the platform, some of the content (to update it), and the pricing.


That’s it for now.  As always, if you have a question you’d like to have answered, you can email me at jay@uncoveringintimacy.com, you can ask it in our forum, which we’ve opened during the COVID-19 crisis, or you can post it anonymously on our Have A Question page.

Lastly, we have a free webinar coming up next Sunday, May 3rd at 9pm EDT.  We’re going to be discussing the impact of stress on sex, because, well, more than ever, our lives are stressful.  So, we’re going to talk about what that does to your system, and what you can do about it.  Register here.  I hope to see you there, but if you can’t make it, a replay will be available.  Just make sure you register.

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3 thoughts on “SWM 054 – Anonymous Questions – February 2020”

  1. Alex says:

    On question #5….. I will offer thoughts based on how my wife seems to feel about this. Especially as she’s aged (she’s now 46), she wants to feel sexy and beautiful. She has a few pretty sexy tattoos and her belly button is pierced. Depending on where we vacation, she’ll wear a thong bikini and still looks amazing in it (could bounce a quarter off her ass). She wears thong panties and shaves her vagina bare. All of that makes her feel sexy and hot and what I like about it is that when she feels sexy and hot it translates to really great, intimate sex between the two of us.

  2. Dave says:

    Jay, usually you are right on but this time I have to disagree with #1. There is nothing wrong with masturbation, the bible is silent on this issue. I think you shouldn’t equate sex with masturbation. Sex is the union of a man and woman both physically, mentally and spiritually. Masturbation of course has no partner so there is no mental or spiritual connection, just a physical release. When you equate the two you are basically reducing sex to just a physical thing.
    I’ve read that women need to keep their sexuality going, else it sort of fades away with age. I’ve also read masturbation has many health benefits. Even Dr James Dobson condones it.
    I would advise the nice lady to invest in a good silicone-based lube and a good vibrator or two.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      This has been an ongoing topic on this blog for years now. And I get it. I used to believe as you do.
      If you’re interested in my reasons, I’d suggest you check out this post: Why masturbation is a problem whether you’re single or married. In it, I lay out my reasoning.

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