SWM 055 – Anonymous Questions from March 2020

Topics include:
Is fingering fornication?
Is it wrong to fulfill my wife's fantasy of having a gang-bang?
How to tell my husband sex is bad when he drinks?
Husband's penis keeps falling out during sex
Wife doesn't want to dress up for me

Well, here we are with another installment of our anonymous questions from our Have A Question page.  Thanks to all our supporters who weighed in on these questions in our private forum.  If you’d like to see the questions as they come in and join the discussion, consider supporting this ministry.  Actually, we just hit our next support goal, which means, we’re going to try and ramp up to weekly podcast episodes.  That’s going to take some adjustment on my end, but that’s the goal.  

With that said, let’s dig into the questions from March.

Question 1

Is fingering and penetration of a finger in the vagina through clothes fornication?

Yes, any sexual act between unmarried people is fornication.  I’m not sure what else to say about that one.

Question 2

We are an older couple & after a major operation I now have ED problems so after much thought & talks with my wife we are thinking of living out one of my wifes fantasies [of having sex with multiple well-endowned men at once]. Is this wrong of us & if we do this how should we go about it?

So, first off, adultery is adultery.  Yes, that’s wrong.  It always has been, always will be.  Even if you have permission, it’s wrong.  And yes, threesomes and more-somes are wrong as well.

Sex is designed to be shared within a loving, monogamous couple who have chosen to be together for life.  Anything outside of that will damage you, and your relationships (current and future), and your relationship with God.

Now, my guess would be that this fantasy is coming from porn use, and that’s what’s driving this desire, mixed with trying to deal with grieving the ED issues in your marriage.

So, I’d say stop watching porn, learn other ways to pleasure each other, and focus on your relationship, not other people.

Question 3

Weekend nights my husband usually drinks. Not enough to lose control but enough to make him very slow.  So, if he wants to get intimate with me, I already know the routine. It takes me a while to get him ready and then he falls asleep on top of me!! It upsets me since we don’t get much during the week. I’m always satisfying myself.  I feel terrible to say anything, but I feel used. It is about him and that is it. I love him so much  and don’t want to hurt his feelings. It feels terrible that he can’t finish without taking a nap in between.

Now, I’m admittedly a bit biased here.  We don’t drink for a few reasons:

  1. 1 Peter 5:8-9 tell us that as Christians we are to be sober-minded
  2. Alcohol is bad for your health, and all the toted benefits of a glass of wine can also be achieved with a glass of grape juice.
  3. We have 5 kids and 2 adults living off of one income and alcohol is not something worth spending money on.

So, keep my views in mind while I answer this, because that’s the context I’m working from.  Of course, you decide for yourself what your convictions are.

Irregardless of all my reasons though, I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to say something along the lines of:

“I love having sex with you, and I think you like having sex with me.  I also believe you want sex to be good for both of us, and, when you drink, it isn’t.  It makes me feel used rather than part of a loving experience. Could we try limiting the alcohol on the weekend and see if that improves things?”

And yeah, it might hurt his feelings – but he’s hurting yours without knowing it.  I don’t think that’s fair to him.  He deserves to know what results his actions are yielding.  Keeping that from him is not being kind.

Question 4

Hi Jay,

My husband’s penis keeps on falling out during sex. I can tell he is frustrated by this. Do you have any advice? We are newly married.

Yeah, a few things:

First, you’re newly married, it can take a while to sort of figure things out.  Be patient.

Secondly, if either of you (or both of you) are overweight, this can cause some additional difficulties.  Fat in the abdomen in men in particular hides a lot of penis length.  Fat in women in the same area means things like standard missionary position become more difficult to get that same depth of penetration, which may lead to him falling out.

That leads me to thought number three, which is check out Christian Friendly Sex Positions.  They have a card deck that shows over 220 positions, and they’ve got them tagged as well.

You can search for positions for those who are overweight, or less endowed, or allow for deeper p

March 2020 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

In this episode, we’re tackling the subjects:

  • Is fingering fornication?
  • Is it wrong to fulfill my wife’s fantasy of having a gang-bang?
  • How to tell my husband sex is bad when he drinks?
  • Husband’s penis keeps falling out during sex
  • Wife doesn’t want to dress up for me

This month our most popular resource is Our Sexploration List. Interested in learning more? Check it out here.

Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:

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If you’d like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

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enetration, all which might help.  We don’t have many details here, so I’m sort of throwing out all the possibilities.

Lastly, it might be that he’s pulling out too far while thrusting in and out.  Having him try a more shallow thrust.  That might also cause him to grind against you more, which you might enjoy.

Question 5

My wife doesn’t ever want to make herself look nice for me.  She looks nice going to work, but never when we are together.  On the weekends we will go out for dinner or something like a date (before covid) and I will look as nice as I can.  She puts on baggy clothes or leggings and won’t put on makeup or do her hair.  Makes me think she doesn’t want me to think she is attractive or that I don’t mean enough to her to look nice.  Any ideas?

Two options I can think of:

The first is – talk about it.  Have a conversation with her about how it makes you feel amazing when she dresses up for you.  That it makes you feel like you’re worth the effort. 

Secondly, tell her you’re taking her somewhere nice – and then take her somewhere nice.  Find a place with a dress code, or where she’d stand out like a sore thumb if she dresses down – but warn her in advance that she needs to dress up for this place.  Don’t embarrass her by tricking her.  I mean, my wife probably isn’t going to dress up if we’re going to [insert local burger bar here].


Topics include: Is fingering fornication? Is it wrong to fulfill my wife's fantasy of having a gang-bang? How to tell my husband sex is bad when he drinks? Husband's penis keeps falling out during sex Wife doesn't want to dress up for me

That’s it for today.  If you disagree with my answers, or have some thoughts you’d like to add, feel free to comment below.  

If you like the podcast, please leave us a review on iTunes, or wherever you listen to it.  Reviews are what help others know we’re worth listening to.

Other than that, April’s questions will be coming soon, so stay tuned!  And as always, if you have a question of your own, you can email me at jay@uncoveringintimacy.com, or ask it anonymously on our Have A Question page.

37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex

37 sex questions for spouses to ask each other

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One thought on “SWM 055 – Anonymous Questions from March 2020”

  1. Sandy says:

    Some thoughts on question 4. I can definitely relate and sympathize with the question. It is something my husband and I had to deal with our whole life. My husband is not very well endowed and because of that he can slip out quite easily when we have sex. As Jay has correctly pointed out, positions are your friends here. What we found is that woman on top positions do not work for us. The best is for me to bring my knees up to my chest, that way my husband can go the deepest and he usually stays in.

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