SWM 051 – Anonymous Questions – October & November 2019 – Types of orgasms, sleeping during sex & more

Jay Dee

SWM 051 – Anonymous Questions – October & November 2019 – Types of orgasms, sleeping during sex & more

Jan 17, 2020

Answering reader’s questions about:
Other types of orgasms
How to deal with a transgendered friend?
Is crossdressing for comfort wrong?
How to deal with an unrepentant husband?
Orgasmless sex (on purpose)
Wife sleeping during sex
Husband won’t come to bed at a decent time
What if you medically can’t have sex?
How do you switch from being single and chaste to married and sexual?

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Answering reader's questions about: Other types of orgasms How to deal with a transgendered friend? Is crossdressing for comfort wrong? How to deal with an unrepentant husband? Orgasmless sex (on purpose) Wife sleeping during sex Husband won't come to bed at a decent time What if you medically can't have sex? How do you switch from being single and chaste to married and sexual?

Today we’re answering questions about marriage and sex from our anonymous Have A Question page on our website. We’re answering questions we received back in October and November of 2019.  Everything from orgasms to masturbation to crossdressing to sleeping during sex.

So, let’s dive right in.

Question 1: Other types of orgasms

Do you think that braingasms, heartgasms, and full-body orgasms are legit? I heard that some sex therapists believe that they are and have courses on how to achieve them. From my understanding, [one of the courses] teaches men to achieve these orgasms by focussing on their breathing and doing kegels during sex. This is supposed to allow sexual energy to move through the body, and couples can transfer energy between each other. Think it also teaches something called “The Key Sound.” It seems to be based on Tantric and Taoist sexual practices. All of this sounds rather interesting, but I don’t think that these therapists really hold to a Christian sexual ethic. I’m trying to figure out whether these types of courses and the techniques that are taught are legit, or whether they are mostly a new-age scam. I think breathing together during sex can be relaxing and potentially allow for deeper connection, but I’m not sure that I could do it for an entire session. Kegels have their benefits, as you have acknowledged, but is it reasonable to try to do them for an entire lovemaking session? Would like your perspective on these things. 

There are a few things here to unpack.  Do I think things like braingasms, heartgasms and full-body orgasms are legit?  Yes and no. I think people experience things that they describe as those things.  I’m not entirely sure they are things themselves. It’s sort of like a clitoral orgasm vs a vaginal orgasm.  Do people experience orgasms from having the clitoris stimulated? Yes. Do they experience orgasms from having their vagina penetrated?  Yes. Do they feel different to some people? Yes. Are they different things? I’m not sure about that one.  

In fact, it’s sort of hard to pinpoint what an orgasm is.  Even now, there is no one generally accepted definition of what an orgasm is.  Doctors who deal with the body will tend to define it as some sort of muscle contraction and then release, often due to sexual stimulation (but not always), that in men causes ejaculation (but not always).  Doctors who deal with the mind will cite the feelings, emotions and chemical changes in the body that occur with orgasms. Using that definition, people can have orgasms without any physical stimulation at all, and without the physical effects.

It’s hard to pin down what causes an orgasm even.  Is it because the body is stimulated and that stimulates the mind, which causes an orgasm and then sends pleasure back to the body?  Or is it that the mind is stimulated which causes the body to get aroused, have an orgasm and send those sensations back to the mind?

Or maybe it’s both.  There seems to be some sort of sympathetic/mirroring systems going on here.  You can have an orgasm purely from mental stimulation, or purely due to physical stimulation.  Are they the same?

That said, I think trying to narrow it down to types of orgasms (braingasm, heartgasm, full-body, clitoral, vaginal, anal, nipple) is largely futile.  After all, I don’t think we should be trying to chase different types of orgasm, but rather we should be chasing intimacy.

And towards that end, things like synchronized breathing can help.  No, I don’t believe we are aligning our chakras, energies, spirits or souls, but I do believe in building rapport, and synchronized breathing does that.  Having rapport makes you feel connected, it helps you feel intimate.

Things like kegel exercises during sex can help in a couple of ways.  For one, you’re exercising those muscles that are used during sex and produce arousal, which pulls more blood into the area, increasing sensitivity.  It also makes you focus on the feelings. It’s hard to do kegel exercises without thinking about your genitals, and if you’re having sex at the same time, that makes it a lot harder to disconnect and disassociate.  So, again, that helps you feel connected to your body and what’s going on, which in turn can help you feel intimate.

I think a lot of the time, there is an overlap between science & let’s call it meta-science.  By meta-science, I mean the discussion about what’s behind the science, be it philosophy or religion. Often philosophy and religion are trying to explain the world they see, but without any actual empirical evidence.  They see something occur, then come up with a story for why it might be so.

Now, I’m not discounting religion.  I am a Bible-believing Christian. But, there is a whole lot of man-made doctrine we surround the Bible with that isn’t from the Bible.  It wouldn’t surprise me if Christians believed at one point that sin was heavy, and that’s what keeps us stuck to the ground, and if you die and are still sinful, well, you sink to hell, and if you die and are righteous, then you float up to heaven.  And that sounds silly, because we understand gravity from science. We’re all taught it from a young age. 

But we don’t all learn about things like neuroscience, and so there are still some beliefs out there that aren’t based on the Bible, nor science.  

For example, there are doctrines that try to explain things like the connection you feel with someone you’ve had sex with as a soul-tie. They don’t know how neurochemicals work, that oxytocin helps you feel connected, that dopamine makes it so that your brain wants to do that again and connects it to that person, that vasopressin makes you want to protect that person you’re with, and on and on.  Because of that lack of knowledge, people come up with a spiritual reason for why you feel connected to someone you’ve had sex with, and that spawns a whole doctrine about how souls work, but not based on the Bible.  

Other times, religion tends to inform art, which then in turn informs religion.  A famous example is Dante’s Inferno. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a 14th Century poem written in Old Italian (but there are English translations) that fits in a trilogy (called The Divine Comedy) depicting a man who travels through hell (and purgatory and heaven in the books Purgatorio and Paradiso, respectively).  The things he writes have then been looped back into Christianity causing many people to believe things that aren’t from the Bible.  

One of these is the idea of the “nine circles of hell”, that is directly from Dante’s Inferno, or even the idea that there are levels of punishment in hell.  More subtly, the idea that hell is a place of ongoing eternal torment and punishment is largely influenced by Dante’s work and alters how Christians read and translate the Bible.

Another work that gets heavily leaned on by our society is Plato’s Symposium.  This story is about a dinner party and each of the guests has to tell a story. One of the guests tells a tale of how men came to be, that we were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and two heads.  But, we were so powerful, we challenged the gods. So, the gods cut us in half so that we’d spend the rest of our days looking for our other half – our soul-mate, rather than rebelling against the gods.

From this, we get the doctrine of soul-mates, which then lends itself to soul-ties, and a bunch of other beliefs about what a soul is and isn’t.

And all this leads to confusion about what a soul is and isn’t.  About what happens to our souls when we have sex, a belief that there is some sort of spirit within us that can interact with other spirits in some spiritual way that doesn’t neccessarily include our body. And when Christians believe this to be true, it’s a lot easier to believe and adopt things like soul-gazing, tantric connections, aligning chakras and such.  Some of which hold a small amount of truth – for example, I don’t believe soul-gazing is one soul connecting to another through the eyes, but I do believe that looking someone in the eye builds rapport, which again, leads to feeling connected.

So, all that to say that, we have to be careful about what we take in from external sources and how it informs our beliefs.  Because while learning about things like “The Key Sound” and “synchronizing energies” and all that might be interesting, and might be describing actual systems that exist and can be explained by science or the Bible, the way we learn about things, the package that it comes in, can affect how we see the world, and how we interpret The Word.

Question 2: How to do deal with a trans-gendered friend

I have a friend whom I attended college with, who ended up not being able to finish college due to a lot of health problems, including PTSD. I don’t think this individual had the best family situation. Recently, I found out that this person is identifying as a transgender guy and has been on hormone replacement therapy for about eight months, and I’m pretty sure that the hormones are coming from Planned Parenthood. This person also still claims Christianity and attends an Episcopalian church, I am pretty sure. Politically, this person has become quite far-left, basically calls themself a socialist and an anarchosyndicalist I want to know how to best minister to this person and explain why their beliefs are faulty, yet be loving toward my friend at the same time. 

Here’s the struggle we have in Christianity.  We have verses that say:

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?

Matthew 7:1-3

Which many Christians are quick to quote to tell us not to judge (usually without the subsequent verse):

Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:5

And this one:

There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

James 4:12

Or this:

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

Romans 2:1

Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.

Romans 14:13

But then we also get told:

Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Proverbs 31:9

If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? 2 Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3 Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life!

1 Corinthians 6:1-3

Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.

John 7:24

These are the things which you should do: speak the truth to one another; judge with truth and judgment for peace in your gates.

Zechariah 8:16

So, we have verses telling us not to judge, and other ones telling us to judge well.  How do we reconcile these things?

Here is the best I can figure out.  We should judge those things for which we have been given authority and permission to judge.

For example, a Judge is educated, chosen and trained to judge wisely in court.  By living in a country that has laws, you implicitly agree that you will follow them and that you accept that a Judge has authority to interpret that law.  By simply living in a country, you agree to be judged.

He will not judge whether you are a good or bad person, merely whether your actions are correct or incorrect.

Likewise, when we become members of the church, we ask our fellow believers to help us hold to the laws and principles that church believes in.  There are actions that will bring judgement within the church body. For example, if you have an affair, someone is likely to come talk to you, as I believe they should.

Furthermore, I have friends in the church who know my intentions and the principles I live by.  I know theirs. We trust each other to hold each other in judgement when we stray from our own beliefs.  

I have a friend who wanted to stop watching the news and instead read his Bible at night.  So, I used to text him every once in a while to ask him “Are you watching the news, or reading your Bible?”  Sometimes he’d say “I’m reading my Bible”, and sometimes he’d say “I’m shutting off the news”. He didn’t get upset that I was holding him accountable, because it’s what he said he wanted to do.  I wasn’t judging his heart, we’re all sinful, all fallen, all in need of redemption. But, I was judging his behaviour, with permission.

So then, your friend, who is in a church, which I assume is fine with their lifestyle, has not prescribed to your beliefs about that lifestyle.  How then can you hold them accountable? By what authority or permission can you?  

What would you gain by correcting them, even “in love” as some people say?  Likely you will lose a friend and any chance to minister to them in the future.  When they’re ready, they’ll start asking questions about your beliefs or opinions about their lifestyle, or similar things.  When it comes up, share what you believe, and why. But if you’re going to have those conversations, you might want to think about the why.  Just repeating “it’s wrong” is just going to convince them that Christians are just blindly following archaic beliefs.

In other words, love them where they are, rather than judge them for where you think they should be.  That’s how I deal with those things anyways. 

Question 3: Husband masturbating in his sleep

The last couple of months, my husband start masturbating after we fall asleep, but the problem is the bed is shaking and I couldn’t sleep . In the beginning when he started to do it I would just go out to the guest room to sleep, but when I see no end to it I decided to ask him what’s going on and told him the reason why I have been going to the guest room. He was so shocked and very apologetic and said he doesn’t remember. I believe him and we joked about it and said we should have more sex. Well, it didn’t stop I am not happy.  We have been married over 20 years and we have never had a problem. I don’t think he is cheating because he is always with me except his work place. I don’t know what to think, do you? I have not been sleeping well for a while now.

Assuming he’s telling the truth about not knowing he’s doing it, this is actually a condition called sexsomnia.  It’s like sleepwalking, except the behaviours are sexual rather than just walking around.

I’ve had some people tell me that sometimes they wake up having sex, and neither spouse knows who started it.  In that case, it wasn’t really bothering them.

In your case, you should probably talk to a doctor about it because the cause is likely do to an underlying sleep disorder that, if treated, will likely solve the sexsomnia issues as well.  However, untreated, the underlying sleep disorder may be pointing to a serious issue that’s being ignored.

Question 4: Crossdressing rehash

Hey, Jay, First of all, thanks for this amazing resource. I’ve only recently found your site (during a Google search about pegging), and it’s been amazingly helpful. I believe that sex is an important part of a Christian marriage, and a subject that doesn’t get as much honest attention as it needs. From what I’ve read here, you have the same basic core beliefs that I have, and it’s refreshing to know that there are other Christians out there that are a little open and adventurous sexually, and willing to tell others about their beliefs. People are searching for answers, trust me, so this is a very necessary ministry. 

Anyway, on to my question… I read your crossdressing blog post, and your recent answer to the question about a man wearing women’s panties for comfort, and I want to chime in on the subject. I do not want to look like a woman in any way– no wig or makeup or anything of that sort– and I feel no desire to take on a woman’s role, either psychologically or sexually, but I do like the feel of certain clothing that most people deem appropriate only to women or effeminate men: namely, lace and fishnet. Years ago when my job had me outside often, my wife suggested that I try wearing pantyhose for warmth, as many hunters do. I tried it, and while it didn’t work in my professional arena I discovered that I enjoyed the feel of the pantyhose themselves. Fast forward 20 years or so, maybe 25, and I have a small collection of lace thongs, a fishnet bodystocking, a lace pullover and a lace robe. My wife and I are basically home nudists, and we tend to wear very little at home– mostly going completely naked when we’ve no visitors– but when the temperature gets a little below what I find comfortable, I occasionally enjoy wearing the above-mentioned items for their warmth (unexpected by some people, given their nature) and the feel of the material vs. “regular” clothes, which I do not like at all. My wife is fully aware of this (I’ve worn them in her presence, of course), and understands that I’m not trying to acclimate her over time as I work my way towards cross-dressing (uh… no). Lace and other “effeminate” fabrics used to be part of everyday male dress, but that seems to have gone away in our “modern” times, and I’m wondering as to your opinion on the circumstances that I’ve described, if it isn’t appropriate, manly, husbandly, Christian, or if it leans towards cross-dressing, effeminacy, or any ill-considered beliefs. Thanks for your time.

It sounds like you’re looking for a set of rules that says “this is okay, but that isn’t”.  I don’t have it. It’s too legalistic. I prefer to point at the principles.

  1. Is it harming your family?
  2. Is it rejecting God’s separation of genders?

You say your wife has no issue with it, and you have no interest in crossdressing, being effeminate, etc..  So, that answers those.

One caveat though:

I have talked to women whose husbands struggle with crossdressing, and many have made the same statements you did in this question as a rationalization which then went further.  In fact, the wife who asked this question has said her husband made the same arguments you have.  I’m not saying that this will definitely lead to crossdressing.  I’m saying be careful about your motivations and where your behaviours drift.

Question 5: Unrepentant Husband

I was 36 weeks pregnant when my Husband told me he committed adultery. He was speaking to another girl online for a good 2 months behind my back, then did porn before sleeping with her twice. He has told me he wants out of the marriage and has asked me to put his Son up for adoption. I have also since found out that he has gambled away 50k and has been lying to me about it for a good 4 months. I have since approached him with the elders of the church but he has refused to repent. He has said sorry for what he has done but he is still in contact with the girl, has slept with her again on the week I delivered, and has gone overseas with her on consecutive weekends while I was in confinement with his child. He has blamed everyone and everything for his actions, including his mortgage, his in laws, me for not satisfying him emotionally and physically, job issues. I’ve been advised to proceed with a separation order at his request, and that his actions have released me from my marital vows. I’ve really tried everything to bring him back to God and this marriage, so much so that the stress of it all caused my weight to plummet and my blood pressure to rise in the last few weeks of pregnancy and I had to be induced. He has said that it doesn’t matter his walk on earth, like the thief on the cross if in his last moments he calls to Jesus he will be saved. He has also said that marriage is built on love and once his love for me dips below a certain level he wants out of the marriage.

Should I give up on this marriage? It hurts because I still love him.

Everyone is going to have a different opinion on it, and it depends on your situation and who you are.  For me, I’m pretty stubborn. If my spouse requested a separation order, I’d make them file it. Actually, I’d probably make a judge order me to court to sign the papers.  But that’s me, and I sometimes have more stubbornness than good sense, and I’m not caring for a baby.

If this is literally becoming a health hazard for you and your child, yeah, I think a separation is in order.  

As for his plan of “I’ll just repent on my deathbed”, I feel sorry for him.  For one, not everyone gets that sort of time. Secondly, even if they do, a habit of denying God will likely lead to a character that will harden his heart if the time comes.  But, if he does truly repent in those final moments, the grief that will accompany a true confession and repentance knowing the pain and suffering he’s done waiting for that moment… I don’t think it will be worth the life he’s living now.   

Question 6: Orgasmless sex

I would like to hear your opinion or from readers if anyone tried slow sex or expanded orgasms or sex where orgasm is not the goal? Our experience so far has been fairly positive. when orgasm is off the table for the most part for the man it increases sexual desire and often performance and sex last much longer. No need for lube or foreplay as you both stay lubed up and ready for sex almost anytime? Does anyone know about this? We have been married for 40 plus years and are in our sixties.

I’m a big fan of sex without the goal of orgasm.  I like exploring, having fun, and just enjoying the connection, sharing and vulnerability, rather than trying to find the most efficient way to get off.

But, just because orgasm isn’t the goal, doesn’t mean orgasms don’t happen.  If you’re deliberately trying not to have an orgasm, that’s a whole other story. 

I personally don’t have any experience with that.  To be honest, I don’t think I’m ready to try it yet.  But I welcome our readers and listeners to comment on the post if they do.

Question 7: Wife sleeps during sex

Answering questions about: Other types of orgasms How to deal with a transgendered friend? Is crossdressing for comfort wrong? How to deal with an unrepentant husband? Orgasmless sex (on purpose) Wife sleeping during sex Husband won't come to bed at a decent time What if you medically can't have sex? How do you switch from being single and chaste to married and sexual?

My wife sleeps during sex what should i do?

There’s not a lot to go on here.  My only thoughts are:

  1. If she’s exhausted, let her sleep more.
  2. If she has a sleeping disorder, go to a doctor.
  3. If she’s just bored out of her mind, have a conversation about how to make sex better.

Question 8: Husband won’t come to bed at a decent time

I am really frustrated, my husband has a problem with ED. He’s convinced me to try “toys” for him to use with me to assist in the areas he can’t. He likes to use them and says that he enjoys ‘watching’ me get pleasure. Now is where the problem comes in. He’s gotten me to overcome my inhibition’s about him using toys, now he doesn’t want to come to bed or start using them until 12:30-1:00 am. He looks on the computer at work relates stuff from 11-12:30. By then, I am too tired and don’t want to be bothered. I have talked and talked until there is nothing left to talk about. HELP!!!!! 

My guess is that you haven’t set a boundary.  If you don’t know about boundaries, I’d highly suggest the book Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk.  Others will suggest Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, which is honestly a good book too, but unfortunately, I’ve had a lot of people read it and still completely misunderstand what a healthy boundary is. So, I’d suggest the first book as it gives a better foundation for the “why”.

So, a healthy boundary in this case would simply be “I won’t start sex after 11pm because I need to sleep.” This is going to require another conversation with your husband which will go something like “I love the fun we have in the bedroom, but I can’t start those things so late at night.  I promise to be available by 10:00pm most nights, but I can’t start sex after 11pm. I’m too tired by that point, and I can’t be a good sex partner that late, or a good spouse the day after. The lack of sleep is causing me to start to resent sex, and I’m worried it will cause me to start resenting you.  So, I need this boundary in place to protect our marriage.” Of course, adjust the numbers as needed and the wording to match your style/vocabulary.

That way he knows the why, but it’s also offering him a reasonable window for when sex can happen.  Then, if he really needs to do work, he can have sex, and then get up and work from 11-12:30pm.

Question 9: Medically can’t have sex

What would you advise for a guy who’s wife has a medical reason not to have sex? My wife is in a flare for a disease where she can’t have sex. Unfortunately, she is not big on oral sex and she doesn’t seem to want to manually help me out either. I used to be super high drive but I’ve slowed down some so it’s a little easier to do without, but not my idea of good at all. This issue has contributed to me being depressed and the feeling I’m not worth much. I am 45 and she is 37. Thanks for any advice you have to give.

I don’t know what the disease is, how long the flare-ups are, or how they make her feel.  So, this one is a bit difficult to go on. However, the general advice is to have a discussion and find some sort of balance.

If the case is that she just can’t have intercourse, but can be sexually stimulated, have orgasms, etc. then I’d say try mutual masturbation.  If she can’t have orgasms, can’t be touched, or her genitals are completely off limits, then I’d probably have a discussion about what is on the table, and why things are off the table.  You said “she’s not big on oral sex and she doesn’t seem to want to manually help me out either”, but those both hint at the idea that you’re interpreting these feelings, not that you have direct input from her that this is how she feels.

As is often the case, you need to talk about it.  Because this dynamic of not talking about it doesn’t seem to be working for you.  You’re feeling depressed and worthless, and she’s likely feeling anxious and guilty and that she’s not being a good wife.

Have a discussion about what is and isn’t on the table.  Come up with a plan for how to manage these flare ups.

Question 10: How to switch to being sexual when married

Hey Jay, I have a question about transitioning mind set from not allowing yourself to be sexually to being sexual in marriage. I’m getting married next year and I feel a lot of guilt and shame when it comes to sex. How do you stop associating sex with sin after you get married? Thanks. Julie

Hi Julie!  Great question!

Unfortunately, we do a terrible job in most of Christianity at preparing people for marriage.  It’s a shame, because we should really be doing the best.  

I mean, we believe in a God who created the concept of marriage, the idea, people and parts that go together to form sex, and even commanded us to have it and enjoy it.  He even made a clitoris for women with literally no other purpose but so that you will enjoy it.

Also, all the teachings about how to be kind and loving to other people work really well within marriage.  Add to that conflict resolution and communication skills in the Bible and the fruit of the spirit and we should be set up to be a good spouse.  

On top of that, the Bible teaches a great deal about personal finances, so Christians have no reason to have financial struggles, right?

Unfortunately, we don’t tend to teach couples about any of this stuff before marriage.  We tend to bury it all and let them figure it out under the guise of being kind and modest.  Really, I think it’s because we’re all stuck in a cycle and no one knows how to get out of it.  We were raised this way by our parents, and it messed up our marriages, so we don’t really know how to help others with theirs.  Often by the time we’ve figured it out, our children are already grown and on their way to hampering the next generation.

But you’re asking before you get married, which is awesome!  Here is an opportunity to break the cycle.

So, how do you stop it?  Honesty, I haven’t given it a whole lot of thought, but I think I should.  Over the last nearly 8 years, I’ve been focusing purely on marriages, but I’m slowly learning that if we could get ahead of marriage, it would be a lot easier.  We can’t solve all the problems, but we could get people on the right track at least.

Some of the problems are harder to overcome, like the one you pose.  How do you change your mindset from “sex is sinful” to “sex is godly”?  The truth is, you should never have to. We should not be raising children to believe sex is sinful.  It’s not.  

What it is is sinful in the wrong context.  Why? Because sex is amazing and powerful, and in the wrong situation, it can hurt you.  Just like fire. In a fire pit, or on a stove to cook, it’s an incredible tool that can bring a lot of joy to your life.  Outside of a safe container, it’s destructive and can ruin your life.

We should be teaching children “not yet” rather than “no” when it comes to sex.  We should be teaching them about how amazing sex is when it’s in a committed marriage that’s built on unconditional love, trust, communication and committment where pregnancy is seen as a blessing, not an inconvenience (at best).

And the best way I know how to do that is to read through your Bible.  Sex is portrayed in a wonderful light in the Bible, in the right context.  In Hebrew, the euphemism for sex used most often is to “know” your spouse. It gives the idea that having sex is intimate, that it makes you both vulnerable, open.  That it is a sharing of yourself with someone who is sharing themselves back again. And that is really how sex can be in marriage.  

But when it’s outside of a marriage, sex shows how powerful it is.  How badly it needs a safe container. The Bible is full of stories of rape, incest, people being taken advantage of, opening their marriages, having multiple wives, and even killing others so they can sleep with that person’s spouse.  Sex, when separated from a marriage, destroys.  

Now, if you’re only ever given that second message, it’s no wonder you would feel a lot of guilt and shame about it.  

So, read through your Bible.  Look at what sex does when it’s in a loving marriage.  Genesis tells us that God created us to have sex. Even before the fall.  Sex is not a result of sin. In fact, God put Adam and Eve in a garden paradise with no fear or anxiety, naked and unashamed with perfect bodies and a mate literally created for each other.  I think they were likely trying to figure out how to put those bodies together soon after.  

The first commandment we’re given as humans is to have sex.  That’s before sin ever entered the world. I have yet to see that commandment rescinded.  I’ve seen a lot of warnings about how powerful sex is, but never in the Bible does it say you should not have it in the right context.  In fact, in the right context, it’s commanded that we have sex, because then it becomes so beneficial, it would be a sin not to have sex.

As well, you can read through Song of Solomon to tell you more about what God thinks of sex.  People still debate whether this is about a husband and wife, or God and the church. I personally think it’s between a husband and wife, but even if it is allegorical, that means God is perfectly okay with His love for us being depicted as an afternoon sex session out in the vineyards between the vines with all the passion that goes with it.

My point is, if you want to know how to change your mindset, read your Bible.  It’s all in there. I don’t know of a better reference. Now, there are some that can help you understand pieces.  There’s a great book called Intimacy Ignited that will lead you step by step through Song of Solomon explaining both expressions of how much of a blessing sex is, as well as the warnings, pitfalls and dangers that such a powerful activity is surrounded with.

I’d also highly suggest having a frank discussion with your fiance about it.  Tell him how you feel, tell him about your struggles, anxieties and insecurities.  It’s good for him to know about it, and it’s good to learn to have difficult discussions.  Maybe he has some concerns too, and you both can talk through them and work together to create a plan for dealing with it.

And lastly, if you want some help, I’m trained as a pre-marriage coach.  Send me an email (jay@uncoveringintimacy.com) and we can talk through it.


That’s all the questions for this episode.  If you have a question of your own, you can email me, or you can visit our anonymous Have A Question page on the website if you’re feeling shy.  All the links are in the show notes in your podcast player, or you can  visit the blog post on UncoveringIntimacy.com. And if you’re tired of waiting to hear the questions, consider supporting us and gaining access to our supporters forum.  I post all the anonymous questions there and everyone gets to discuss them and offer their thoughts immediately. So, if that’s of interest to you, check out our support page.

37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex

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3 thoughts on “SWM 051 – Anonymous Questions – October & November 2019 – Types of orgasms, sleeping during sex & more”

  1. Spumoni says:

    In response to question 6, Orgasmless sex:
    I have found that it’s best to have sex where you don’t chase the orgasm! Frankly, we can last for hours and it’s the most amazing intimacy I’ve ever experienced. And when we do finally get around to letting ourselves come, that’s better than ever, too!
    We are in our mid 50’s and this is not only the best sex of our lives, but the best emotional intimacy of our lives.
    The other phenomenon we’ve experienced is a quicker recovery time so on days when we have the opportunity (or have MADE the opportunity), we can relax, enjoy each other’s company and make love three, four, or five times – which will pretty much take up the entire day.
    The rest of the time, twice in one day is not uncommon at all (not every day, of course, but no more than two days without).
    We do not use lube unless we are “squeezing in a quicky” (usually 30 minutes), which sometime we do for fun when we just can’t wait until we have more time.

  2. Alex says:

    On the orgasm, I can only speak as a guy but for me it’s a whole body experience that results in ejaculation. It’s about a 30-60 second experience where everything around me shuts down and I’m in the moment…and then the release. There is no better feeling. My wife has learned over the years how to “manage” my orgasms so that they are longer, more powerful and more productive of ejaculate. And, yeah, I’ve done the same with her. For her, it’s also a whole body experience.

    On what causes an orgasm…physical, mental, etc. stimulation. There have been times when I haven’t been in the mood but my wife aroused me and invariably I orgasmed/ejaculated. I think there are times when it’s physical and other times when it’s physical/mental for me. The latter are the most enjoyable ones.

    On orgasmless sex….of the thousands of times we’ve had sex, there has never been a session without orgasm for both of us. Yep, it’s true. That said, we will often have sex and do all we can to prolong the experience, especially on the weekends when we have more time. The longest we’ve made it is maybe 35 or 40 minutes. It’s fun to tease out the experience but then I just can’t hold it any longer. She will often playfully tease me as she knows I’m about to ejaculate but am trying to hold it, making the experience even more fun. And, yes, it’s the same with her…she often doesn’t make it either especially in certain positions (note that she has to manually stimulate herself during sex to achieve orgasm). One thing we do when we’re trying to go for the long haul is talk during sex…yep, we talk and have conversations in the act. These convos usually contain some really graphic interludes as far as what’s being said but we have had whole convos during the act.

  3. LP says:

    on your Q#6 – we are both in our sixties, and I cannot reliably reach an orgasm every time. But many years ago we realized the orgasm is not the goal – pleasing and satisfying the other is the goal. it is not uncommon for wife to have multiple orgasms, but even on those days I want to make sure she is satisfied, the same as i am when she does not have one. But as to me – I do not hold back (except to make sure we are both satisfied) but have an orgasm on average 1 out of 3 times we have intercourse. But on those other 2 my desire does not decrease. I am at a heightened sexual arousal for the day or days until we have intercourse again. So although we would both be happy if I orgasmed each time we were together I am content to enjoy the heightened sexual arousal on the days after I do not. (and so does she.)

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