SWM 048 – Anonymous Questions from July & August 2019 – Squirting, Anal sex tips & Unreciprocated oral sex
Well, summer is gone and done and we’re going to try and get back into the swing of things here. I’m going to do my best to answer these each and every month rather than batching two months together as I’ve been doing. It’s just taking too long for people to get answers, and I want to be able to get them to you sooner.
If you’re new to the community, these posts are about questions we’ve received from our anonymous Have A Question page. Usually I don’t get contact info, so I can’t ask followup questions, or for more context, or anything. So, I do my best to answer and give some ideas based on what I’ve got. I also post these questions in our supporters forum as soon as I get them and we discuss them there. Those discussions help inform my responses as well.
So, if you want to be a part of that process, consider supporting us and getting access to them.
With that out of the way, let’s get these questions addressed.
Question 1 – How often do people’s sex drives switch from low to high
I am wondering if you have any insight into how often peoples sex drives switch from low to high overtime and why that happens.
My husband (who’s 36) has had a low sex drive for a really long time. But he has been trying to get healthier and he thinks it’ll change by losing belly fat and exercising. His testosterone isn’t low anymore either but his drive is still pretty low.
I’m afraid I don’t have any stats on how often. That said, I can tell you that sex drive can change based on a lot of factors. Hormones, health, stress, partner, age, sleep, diet, water intake, exercise, medication and a bunch of other things.
Our sex drives are always in flux, and it’s different from person to person on what factor will affect drives in which way and to what degree. For example, about 10% of the population actually sees an increase in sex drive when they’re heavily stressed whereas for the other 90%, stress is a libido killer.
It’s quite possible that losing weight and exercising can help improve sex drive. Exercising definitely increases testosterone, and being overweight adds stress to the body, so removing that stress can help.
But it’s impossible to say for sure, as we don’t know exactly what’s causing the low drive. It’s also quite possible that he simply has more of a responsive desire than spontaneous desire.
Question 2 – How to squirt
Hi, both my wife and I have been married for a few years and have been exploring and trying some new ideas in the bedroom. We both have an interest in having my wife squirt. We are not exactly sure how to accomplish this and was wondering if you had any “safe” resources that we could possibly learn from, so to stay away from any nudity or pornographic images.
Yeah, one of our supporters found an article at Women’s Health Magazine that’s safe.
Question 3 – Wife is into whipping
My wife told me she is into whipping, how and where can I learn what that exactly means/to do?
So, this brings up a few questions. Firstly, how does she know it’s something she’s into? That would probably be my first question.
After that, you should know that whipping, from what I understand, is a rather advanced form of play that has a fairly high degree of risk (more so if you’re a beginner).
It’s not something I’d want to try starting with. If you want to try impact play, I’d start with spanking using your bare hand. Physiologically, it has more benefits, less risk and you get more feedback. It’s far easier to learn as a beginner.
I working on a post on spanking, so stay tuned.
Question 4 – Anal sex tips
After much discussion, prayer and reading, my sweet hubby & I decided to try Anal sex. I personally loved it. My hubby enjoyed it as well but mostly because I did. My research prior to engaging in the act was mostly me wanting to make sure it was okay with the Lord. I finally felt peace about it (This website helped me a lot, thanks Jay D)… I did take the advice about using lots of lube, relaxing and going slow. Are there any other important things or tips I should know to keep the activity fun & safe? Thanks!!
Well, you got the main ones, but there are some more.
To reiterate some of what you said and to add to it
- Lube – is incredibly important. Depending on the person you may need more. Almost everyone will want more. Now, many people will say “the anus doesn’t self-lubricate”, but for some people it actually does. I can’t remember what percentage of the population that is. It’s definitely not the majority, but some people’s anuses actually do release lubrication in the same way the vagina does. As well, a lot of people go from PIV (penis in vagina) sex to anal sex. Again, depending on the person, time in their cycle, viscosity of their fluids, that may be enough. That said, more is usually better.
- Relax – If you are tense, it might hurt. Anal sex shouldn’t hurt. It might feel uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t hurt. If it does, something is wrong. You’re progressing too early, before they’re aroused enough, or thrusting too quickly, or not enough lube, or you’re too tense. If you can’t relax, maybe it’s not for you at this time. There are actually two sphincters involved. One you can consciously relax, the other you can’t. You just have to be relaxed. Forcing it will hurt.
- Be aroused – The more aroused you are, the more lubricant people tend to produce, the more blood flow in the area, which helps with both relaxing the muscles and increasing the pleasure. In short, arousal makes everything better.
- Don’t go from anal sex to PIV – They are two different systems with different bacteria. To reduce your chance of infection, make sure you clean up well if you decide to go back to vaginal sex. This goes for fingers and toys too if you’re into anal play.
Question 5 – Single & curious about erections
Thank you for this blog. I am single but curious about sex, so I appreciate the healthy, open discussion you provide.
I get erections pretty easily, especially when I hold hands or kiss. I’m pretty confident in my self-control; I’ve never had sex or masturbated. And I’ve never felt like I’m “near the edge” when kissing, that I might lose control and go too far. But I don’t know if getting erections during these “safe” activities is something I should be concerned about, embarrassed about, or not worry about at all.
They’re a normal biological response. I don’t think you should feel concerned or embarrassed about them. Now, that’s not to say others won’t try to make you feel embarrassed about them. But, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Question 6 – Low drive wife secretly masturbating
Firstly thank you for reading this, Second love the website! So here is my “dilemma” or situation. I have a high drive, my wife knows this. I always figured she had a slow/non-existent drive. She had been telling me I talk a lot in my sleep so I discovered a Sleep talk app a few weeks ago and I gave it a whirl I haven’t told her i downloaded it. Well the audio picked up me sleeping/snoring. But she was having some alone time and it’s been every night since I got the app.. so really who knows how long this has been going on. Different points in the night.. 11, 12, 2:30, 4. 5. Now my struggle is this.. We only have sex every couple of months. And this discovery is absolutely devastating to me. Wondering if i should ask her about it? Or just trying to stay awake and ask her what she is doing? Just needing some guidance!
This, unfortunately, happens from time to time. A low drive spouse is caught or found to have been masturbating regularly. It can be absolutely infuriating for the higher drive spouse.
Just as a disclaimer though, depending on where you live, what you did might technically be illegal because you recorded someone without their knowledge. Hopefully that’s not an issue between spouses, but thought I’d mention it.
Moving on, there can be a lot of reasons why a spouse with a lower sex drive might choose to masturbate rather than have sex. It could be she’s interested in sexual pleasure, just not having sex. Or not having sex with you. I don’t know you, or your relationship, so I’m just going to list off some reasons why someone might not want to have sex.
- Physical security – This could range from abuse to pain during sex, to being scared of getting pregnant or getting an STD/STI, but if she feels that having sex could physically compromise or otherwise hurt her in some way, then that’s a reason she may not want to have sex.
- Emotional security – Many women have a need to feel emotionally connected before having sex. If there’s something going on in the relationship that’s causing her to feel emotionally unsafe, that could be why she’s unwilling to have sex.
- Selfishness – This is a growing trend these days, unfortunately. It can be considered work to have sex with someone. You have to worry about not only your own pleasure, but theirs as well. You can’t just focus on yourself. And so, some people would prefer to simply have an orgasm without all that fuss of having to worry about their spouse.
Or maybe there’s something else I missed. So, what should you do about it?
I’m a big fan of communicating openly. I’d simply tell her what happened, that you were recording to see how often you talk in your sleep, and accidentally caught her masturbating. Now, you probably should have talked to her after that first one, so you’re going to have to apologize for continuing to record her knowing what was going on. I’d go with the truth – that you didn’t know how to deal with it. Then just say that you still don’t really know what to do with it. That you find it a bit surprising and confusing and you feel a bit hurt, but that you’d love to understand what’s going on.
Then see what she says.
Question 7 – Husband has a secret facebook profile
Firstly I have been married for 5 years. Three weeks ago, I found out that my husband had a fake Facebook account and he was searching all these random women, including a ex-girlfriend he use to date before we got married. He would comment inappropriate things on the pictures and he would masturbate to their pictures. So I was pretty upset. When I asked him why, all he can say is that he doesn’t know. I don’t know what to do because he can’t seem to answer why did he in the first place. I have so many questions to try and understand all of this. We have two kids and he has been doing this for the past 5 years. This is not the first time I caught him. Before I found out, I would ask him if he is still doing it he would tell me he wasn’t. I just want to know why he did it, what was pleasurable about them that he kept going back. It is not like we don’t have sex. We do. So I don’t understand his reason for searching for his ex-girlfriend. Was it because he wanted to see if he was missing out on something? I want to know, what do men think about when they masturbating to female pictures or porn because he only ever masturbated to the same females. Was there some emotional connection? Is there more to this? I don’t know please help. I am at a loss because I don’t have the answers and don’t understand why I am struggling to put it to rest. He wants to work things out, but how do I trust him again? How do I know he won’t do it again? What is so different now that he couldn’t stop back? I feel like my whole marriage is a lie and question whether he ever loved me or just the thought about me because he never said to me that he would say to those women and I am hurt.
Alright, so, to answer your question about “why men do this”, I don’t have an answer for you. Neither did anyone in our support group. At this point, I think it might be fair to say it’s a habit or an addiction and he may not even know himself why he does it.
That doesn’t mean it’s okay. Let me be clear – it’s not okay what he’s doing.
As for how you know he won’t do it again, you don’t. I personally wouldn’t trust that he wouldn’t. But, if it is an addiction, then he’s not simply being malicious or uncaring. If that’s the case, then he needs help, love and understanding. Again – we’re not saying it’s okay that he’s doing it. He needs to stop.
In any case, I think it’s fair to make some boundaries. I’d suggest you read the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud to understand how to make healthy boundaries. Clearly he should delete the secret facebook account. It might also be wise for him to stay off of Facebook entirely if he can’t help himself, or if it’s too much temptation. I’d also suggest looking into something like Covenant Eyes which will filter the internet as well as give you warnings if he starts to slip.
And if this pattern continues, then you might need to seek outside help. While accountability is not popular anymore, I think in cases like this it might be wise to give him a warning and say “if this happens again, I’ll be talking to our church leadership so they can pray for us”. Actually, you might want to talk to them already. Ask if they will talk to your husband about it. If that doesn’t work, then when people ask how things are going – tell them.
It’s a lot easier to live a life of sin when it’s hidden in the dark. When it’s brought into the light – well, that’s when people start to change. It’s not a popular view anymore, but I think it’s the biblical approach.
Anyways, I’m afraid I can’t answer the question of “why”, but hopefully that gives you some options to work with as far as moving forward.
Question 8 – Porn addiction ruining relationships
Hello, my question is my ex-wife and I have been divorced for 6 years, separated for almost 10 years: we were married for 24 years. I have had a problem with pornography for probably 30 years. A lot was due to shame my step dad instilled in me when I was 13 years old. I’ve always loved girls/women but my low esteem kept my dating in check until I went into the military at 19. My lack of self love effected my ability to be intimate. I just had sex and ran. Until we got married. Our sex was awesome. She loved sex but I started using porn and it exploded with the internet. We still had sex but I still used porn. It got out of control and started SAA and that helped. But still had the lingering insecurities and low self confidence. I ruined many relationships after our divorce. I eventually found a great therapist who helped with the intense shame. I haven’t had a girlfriend in almost 4 years and feel that affects my self confidence. I understand self love is so important. Trying to fight off the porn which I feel affects my ability to find a great girlfriend. Any ideas?
Honestly, the best idea I have is to work on your relationship with God. This could potentially solve multiple issues. For one, it’s a lot harder to watch porn if you’ve recently spent time with God. If you haven’t spent time praying in days, or reading scripture in even longer, it’s a lot easier to forget He’s around. But, if you just closed your Bible… it’s a lot harder to think “ok God … why don’t you go run off for a bit while I watch some porn”.
Secondly, as one of our supporters mentioned in the forum, our self-worth as Christians should primarily come from God. Spending time with His word teaches us about His love for us, which increases our self-love, because He shows His love for us.
Thirdly, spending time with God goes well with spending time with other believers. Get involved in a church. Volunteer. Meet (single) women who are also interested in following God and giving of their time. Get to know them as friends, then see if something develops.
Those are my ideas.
Question 9 – Wife said she could go months without sex
Married 3 years. What does it mean if my wife tells me she could go months without sex? First year of marriage sex life was great several times a week now maybe once a week. Kind of kills my confidence to hear that.
Yeah, I can completely understand how that can kill your confidence. My wife has said the same thing to me. It hurt to be honest. Years later, I learned about responsive desire. All she’s saying when she says she could go months without sex is that without any impetus, without anyone actively arousing her, she tends to just stay unaroused. It’s not about you. It’s about how her arousal works.
So, work to actively arouse her. Problem solved.
Question 10 – Low drive Aspie husband with ED
Any suggestions for how to deal with the frustration of a husband with ED and a very low sex drive? (We are in our fifties, both with health issues.) He is on the spectrum, an Aspie, and takes meds for depression.-the meds control the depression very well. We have been married 6 years and have NEVER had penetrative intercourse (as soon as he tries to insert, the penis goes completely limp.) He was inexperienced sexually when we married, but is very willing to please me sexually while in the act. (His heart is willing, but he is very ritualistic–no romantic or sexual spontaneity. He “does” sex with me like a list of steps. Step 1. Touch her here. Step 2. Kiss her there. Step 3. Hand to genital stimulation until she orgasms.) Sex is ALWAYS in the bedroom, at night at bedtime, with no variation unless I insist, then he usually complains he likes lying in bed because it is physically more comfortable. After 6 years he is still horrible at oral sex, painfully so, and so much so that I’ve stopped asking for it because it isn’t fulfilling. He doesn’t watch porn–no addiction problem or anything like that.
I am sexually adventurous. I perform oral sex on him. I am open to any position or style that might appeal to him. I am open to anal sex. I have brought toys, lubes, restraints into the bedroom. I’ve written sexually explicit notes for him, talked dirty to him, created fantasies for him, met him at the door after work blindfolding him, given him lap dances, used food in sex, given him full-body massages, tried role play, spontaneously rented a seedy hotel room and left him the key for a rendezvous, told him that I would fulfill any sexual fantasy he had no matter what it was (he always says, I don’t know…I can’t really think of anything. When I press him to give me something, he tells me to restrain him–which I’ve done multiple times in multiple ways.) I’ve pulled him into public bathroom stalls for oral sex, felt him up under the table at restaurants, whispered dirty things to him at church, created hot baths, steamy showers, erotic voicemails, dirty texts and even made him king for a day and made myself his sexual slave (but his only request was that I touch his penis for a few minutes and then he wanted to stimulate himself to orgasm and that was the end of slave day.)
After exhausting myself for 6 years and after praying for him and talking to him about my needs and feelings and how I just want him to TRY…try ANYTHING and that I won’t boss him or give him a hard time or look down on his efforts and I will encourage his every effort, I get NOTHING except being fingered by him 3 to 5 times a year after I initiate and tell him I’m horny. I kiss him, flirt with him and initiate and he responds but as soon as I put my arms around him or my hands on his chest or body, he rolls over in the bed, stops touching or kissing me and waits for me to stimulate his penis with my hands or mouth (and after a few minutes he says, “would you mind if I do it myself?” and then he masturbates until orgasm, leaves the room to wash himself completely, returns to the room and says and does the same Step 1, Step 2, Step 3 in exactly the same way every single time. Nothing entices him. Last night he came to bed after telling me our neighbors sent over cupcakes for us as a dinner party. He said he had thought about eating one before bed. I told him, “You should rub the icing on my breasts and lick it off–I will feed you the rest. I promise it will be a fantastic snack!” (He laughed and said, “Oooh!” and then turned out the lights, crawled into bed and started snowing. When I confronted him this morning he said, “Oh, I thought you were just being flirty or cute, I didn’t know that meant you ACTUALLY wanted me to do that.”)
He is WONDERFUL husband and I love and adore him. He is my best friend and we have a solid marriage, but he has almost zero desire for sex, never initiates, and I’m left out in the cold. I’m bored out of mind, and I don’t know what to do. He went to a specialist who gave him each of the ED drugs and all of them made his heart race or gave him issues that made us feel they were too risky for him to use. We tried cock rings (he says they hurt and he can’t). We tried vacuum penile pumps (he says they hurt and he can’t). The doctor told him his only other option was surgery for a penile prosthesis. (He told me immediately that he loved me but that would never be an option because he is terrified just thinking of something painful being done to his penis (and that it will hurt and he can’t). Do you have any suggestions? I’m so emotionally tired of carrying this load all by myself.
I’m afraid my answer is going to be quite short. He has asperger’s syndrome. He’s neuro-atypical. All the usual stuff is not going to work. Sounds like he’s pretty Asperger’s typical though. So, learn about asperger’s syndrome. Learn to communicate in a way he understands. Then learn to share how you feel in a way that makes sense to him. Because, honestly, he’s going to have a seriously hard time understanding your perspective. It’s going to be very alien to him. And while it’s not fair, you, being more neuro-typical, are going to have an easier time relating to him than him to you.
Unfortunately, there’s a reason marriages to people high on the autism spectrum don’t work out. They’re difficult and frustrating. Not impossible. But it’s certainly going to add some additional challenges.
Anyways, I highly suggest the book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome as a start to learning more about him and how he thinks. Also, the book 22 things a woman must know if she loves a man with asperger’s syndrome I found quite good.
I hope that helps.
Question 11 – Sex is just another thing on my wife’s checklist
My wife and I have sex about once a week sometimes 2 times. It feels forced like she feels she has to have sex because we are married and just go until one of us or both of us finish. We don’t even cuddle afterwards. We have talked about it and she doesn’t seem very interested in me. Saying sex is just another thing on her checklist. This has been happening for about a year now and really has put me into a major depression. Is there anything to do to get her to be into me again? I’ve tried all of the internet recommendations, but I’m just left out here to slowly decay. Sorry for the depressing question, I’m just at the end of it and lonely in bed.
Yeah, there’s a ton of stuff you can try. To be honest, too much to go through in a short answer like this. Shoot me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org) and we’ll start looking into what’s going on and then how to address it.
Question 12 – Oral sex not reciprocated
My wife wants me to give her oral until she orgasms. Yet when I ask her to give me oral she laughs and says no or she will do it for 10-15 seconds and be done. I don’t get to orgasm. How is this fair?
I’d say about once a day one of my five children says “It’s not fair!” to which my canned answer is “Who said life was going to be fair?” Life isn’t fair. Marriage isn’t fair. Christianity isn’t fair. Thank God it’s not! If it was, we’d have no hope of redemption.
As such, the “how is this fair” works about as well on me as it probably does on your wife. Which is to say, not at all. In fact, if you pull that on your wife, there’s a good chance that 10-15 seconds is going to shrink to zero.
So, what can you do? Communicate.
For one, rather than be resentful for those 10-15 seconds, show gratitude for it. We tend to train our spouses how to act, and by best guess (admittedly based on a very short question) is that your resentment about this shows in your attitude.
So, from her perspective, you ask for oral sex, and then get annoyed about it. So, why would she want to do that again?
But, if you asked for it, got 10-15 seconds of it, and praised her for that…well, that she might be willing to do again, maybe even for longer.
Next, ask her about it. You haven’t mentioned any discussions about oral sex other than a request in bed. Why not ask what her views are on oral sex? Tell her you’re confused about why she only gives you 10-15 seconds of oral sex and that you’d love to understand. The trick here is that you actually have to want to understand rather than just be looking out for your own self-interest.
It could be that she has a very hard time giving oral sex for some reason or another. Maybe the 10-15 seconds you get is actually the most she can manage at the moment. Maybe those few seconds is her trying really hard and if she didn’t, you’d be getting nothing but a look of disgust and contempt.
We don’t know what her perspective is, only yours. Since you’re not sharing hers, I’m guessing you don’t know it either.
Ask her what her thoughts, feelings and perspective are. If it doesn’t help, shoot me an email.
Question 13 – Husband engaging with women online
My husband and I use separate computers. About a year ago I jumped on his to do something quick and a couple of porn sites were up. When I addressed it with him, he admitted he had been engaging with women (not sure if it was one or more) online. I was hurt and felt betrayed. He showed some remorse the first conversation but since then, he insists he’s done nothing wrong he said he went to the sites because I wasn’t showing him attention. Now, any time he starts to complain about not getting enough sex, it brings up those original feelings. My question is whether his behavior is considered cheating? Am I overreacting?
So, here’s an example of two sides of the story, yet this reader seems to only wants to address one half of it.
There’s really a dynamic here that needs to be addressed, more than the symptoms. From where I sit, it looks like these spouses aren’t focusing on each other – they’re focusing on themselves.
If she was focusing on him, then she’d be both aware of his need for more intimacy and be looking for ways to meet it rather than seeing it as a burden. His “indiscretions” would be a wakeup call to her to say “this is a warning sign” and she should be looking at what she can do to help.
He, on the other hand, shouldn’t be complaining that he’s not getting enough sex. Rather, he should be learning how to communicate more effectively to show that he needs more opportunities for intimacy and to communicate when it’s not happening and ask for help when he’s being tempted. But, that assumes she’d be receptive to that sort of communication. And when she cannot give it, for whatever reason, he, ideally, should be understanding and patient.
Now, someone is going to get upset that I seem to be saying that his having online affairs is equal to her not having sex. I’m not saying that. I’m saying this marriage has a problem that needs to be addressed, and the problem is neither their lack of sex, nor his affairs, and pointing at one or the other saying “what they did is worse” is like being in a canoe and yelling that the other person’s side is sinking. There are no “sides” in a marriage. If one half of the canoe sinks, guess what happens to the other person? Yep, they get wet too. Marriages can’t fail in halves either. Arguing about who is more wrong is far less productive than working together to solve the underlying issue.
That said, no, I don’t think it’s an overreaction at all to be upset about an online affair. So, do something about it. Together.
That’s all the questions for July and August.
I’ve been working on some T-Shirt designs as I’ve been getting more and more people asking to make shirts available. They’re coming! Which probably means I’m going to be doing some giveaways to help kick it off. Some will probably just be in the supporters group, and then scattered around our various social media platforms (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram), so be sure to follow us there if you haven’t already.
As well I have two or three surveys I want to get posted as soon as I have the time to create them. I might do a giveaway on one of those too …
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
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