Is it OK not to swallow?

Jay Dee

Is it OK not to swallow?

Nov 20, 2013

For most of our marriage, oral sex has been very one sided.  For the first years, it was solely me performing oral sex on my wife, and never the other way around.  It took her years to get accustomed to the idea, actually it’s a

Is it OK not to swallow?

For most of our marriage, oral sex has been very one sided.  For the first years, it was solely me performing oral sex on my wife, and never the other way around.  It took her years to get accustomed to the idea, actually it’s a fairly recent development.  All of a sudden, she has realized…it’s not that bad…actually…it’s kind of a turn on to perform oral sex.  But I always knew that she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of me ejaculating in her mouth or swallowing.  She tried it twice  and was…well…repulsed I think would be the appropriate word.  The problem for me was that if felt absolutely amazing.  At the moment of orgasm, men tend to get very sensitive.  If one should happen to run their tongue across during that moment…well, orgasmic just isn’t a strong enough word…since you’re already having one.

The internal conflict

  1. I knew how good it felt and what I had been missing out on
  2. I knew she couldn’t stand it

My wife, selfless lover as she now is, decided she was going to try to conquer this aversion.  She was going to find a way to make it work.  So, for a while she tried…and this lead to a new problem…turns out I can’t orgasm if I know it’s going to cause hardship for my wife.  I’ve known for a while that my subconscious is incredibly strong with regards to sex.  I can’t orgasm from sex if I think my wife might be fertile and we’re not trying for a baby.  I can’t orgasm from oral … well … at all, because I know my wife is … not comfortable with the result.  At the same time, we’ve been stepping up the dirty talk in the bedroom, so she would get me all worked up talking about me having an orgasm while she was performing oral sex.  Now, this turns me on to no end, and, well, I think her as well, mainly due to the naughty factor.  But, again, my subconscious now kicks into overdrive, and there is absolutely no chance of orgasm in that situation, regardless of how it feels.

Now, I’ve always sort of wondered what other marriages do with regards to oral sex (don’t worry, I’ll get back to how we negotiated it in ours later in the post).  How do they finish it?  How do they deal with orgasm?  Do they swallow or spit?  What are the options out there, and what works?

So, Monday night when I was thinking about this post, I quickly created a survey and posted it, hoping for some voices to add to my own.  I’ll share some of the results now, but I’m hoping for more respondents before I do a full analysis.  So, what are people saying?  First, the majority of wives who answered (and I know, if they answered a sex survey, they are probably sex positive) said that they enjoy giving oral sex to their husbands.  In turn, the majority of those that enjoy giving oral sex, also allow their husbands to ejaculate in their mouths, and again, the majority of that group swallow.  So, if this is a “porn” thing…a lot of people are doing it.

Where does this come from

And that’s a fairly common argument for not “finishing” oral sex in the mouth, that its just from porn, that it’s a control thing or that it’s degrading towards women.

“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”

-Song of Solomon 2:3

So, we have a few problems with this mindset.  The first is that the Bible seems to depict this act as a loving activity between spouses.  Notice that the newlywed bride says that “his fruit was sweet”.  Makes you wonder what he was eating, because I have yet to hear anyone say, or read any comment claiming that their husband’s ejaculate is “sweet”.  The most common description I’ve seen is “bleach-like”.  Assuming that’s the case, I can’t blame the women who don’t want to swallow or have it in their mouth at all.

The second problem with this mindset is that if this is something from porn, if it is a control thing, if it is about degrading women, or about power, when you ask the men why they like ejaculating in their wife’s mouth, one would expect answers like “it’s hot” or “it’s sexy”.  I wouldn’t quite expect “it makes me feel powerful and in control”, but it could happen.  But instead, I see comments like:

It’s an acceptance thing.

I feel like my wife is embracing the core of what/who I am.

It makes me feel accepted.

It shows she cares in making me happy.

Feels so much closer and together, “as one”

It makes me feel special

I would feel rejected if she didn’t

It is intimacy at it’s best

It makes things feel more intimate

These are just some short examples.  Some husbands comments went into near poetic paragraphs about how it felt to be accepted, that they felt so close to their wives.  Honestly, with some minor edits, they’re ready for Hallmark cards.  Of course, there were just as many who said “it doesn’t really matter”.  My point is, these comments, to me, do not reflect the mind of someone influenced by porn to believe their wife should because “it’s hot/sexy”.  These speak of a far deeper drive within them to be accepted.  Perhaps it is because sexuality is so close to the core of  most men that this one act should signify such acceptance to them.

So, back to my marriage

After going on like this for a few months, we listened to a podcast at which raised the concept of only going as far in your marriage bed as the most conservative spouse.  After which, my wife asked me if it was OK to shelf the idea of me ejaculating in her mouth/swallowing for a while, like perhaps a couple of years, until she was more comfortable with it, if ever.  It was getting to hard for her.  She was distracted by the worry of what I was expecting, she was distracted by what might be coming.  This was not the place either of us wanted her mind to be during sex.  It should be focused on love and pleasure, not on anxiety and fear.

I’ll admit, my initial reaction was a feeling of rejection.  After listening to the podcast, I expected a conversation about oral sex, particularly swallowing, but I was expecting a very difference conversation.  It sort of went in the opposite direction as I was anticipating.  That feeling of rejection didn’t last long though.  Truth be told, it was wearing on me as well, this feeling that my wife was trying so hard to give me something at her expense.  So, we agreed to shelve it for an indefinite period of time.  No specific time we’ll bring it up, but she was clear that this isn’t a “no forever” request.  It’s been a couple of weeks now since we made that decision and I can now honestly say I am thrilled with it.  So much tension, anxiety, fear, worry, expectation gone from our marriage bed.  We are now free to just enjoy oral sex without being focused on the goal.  And you know what?  I’ve noticed that I enjoy it more now too.  It feels better in my marriage, but also physically.  I think the internal conflict was distracting me and weighing me down far more than I realized.

So, is it OK not to swallow

In the end, I think spouses need to come together on this.  I’ve been pretty clear that I think sex within marriage should be frequent, and it should be fairly uninhibited, but that said, it is not OK to dismiss a spouse’s feelings. In marriage, sex, including all sexual acts, should be offered and obtained freely, and really, most of us wouldn’t want it any other way.  So, to desire something from your spouse, be it swallowing or something else, that you know they aren’t comfortable with (and I don’t mean just a simple “We’ve never done this before”), that they really have serious misgivings about…well, it’s going to start to deteriorate what you are already having instead of increase your mutual pleasure.  Marriage should never be about taking, but always about giving and receiving.

Your Turn

Is there something in your marriage that makes one spouse uncomfortable?  Is it possible to shelve it for a bit to return back to later?

Looking for help?

181 thoughts on “Is it OK not to swallow?”

  1. Bonnie Wallace says:

    I know that for us, the act has been anal sex. I agree with it, think it’s a good thing, but I’m not ready to do it again full-force (like, with a penis), so we’ve shelved that topic for now. I think sometimes, the high drive spouse needs to let the low-drive spouse “work into” some things, if you will. It’s hard to go from celibacy to semen swallowing, if you catch the drift. But I think that both spouses should be open to things that their spouse finds pleasurable, so I definitely agree with your “shelving” method. Plus it’s like a form of insurance if things get boring again! 🙂

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I like that idea of insurance if things get boring again. Thanks for commenting Bonnie!

    2. Eve says:

      Okay, I’m curious since it was mentioned here. Anal sex.

      Where is the page and surveys about that?

      Do normal married people do that?

      1. Jay Dee says:

        I don’t have one yet. Been thinking about writing on that topic though. Short answer: yes, normal married people do that. Longer answer to come.

        Edited to add – I do have a few posts on the topic of anal sex now:
        Is anal sex a sin?
        Christians, anal sex and anal play (Survey Results)
        Analingus / rimming / oral-anal sex

      2. Brian says:

        Yes. Married people (read: me and my wife) do that.
        It took a long time to reach that point, and it happens very rarely.

        It only occurs when she is really relaxed, feeling great, and very aroused. But when all those planets align, it can be absolutely amazing.

      3. T says:

        My biggest problem is the medical side of it. I have a hard time believing based on the anatomy, function and what I’ve learned about the body’s tendencies that it is a good idea. I’ve read that over time, it can place a lot of “wear and tear” on that area and cause it to lose its normal functions, not to mention a potential to cross contaminate flora if proper cleaning is not followed. Those things have to be considered before the heat of the moment arrives to make sure not to have regret later.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I can’t find those fears substantiated in any way. Mostly just rumours and fear-mongering. A lot of anti-homosexual propaganda as far as I can tell.

        2. D says:

          Couldn’t agree more. The thought of feces being sexually attractive is twisted!

          1. Jay Dee says:

            I don’t think anyone was making a case for that here…

      4. Jay Dee says:

        In case, you’re still curious, I did do a survey on this topic a while ago. You can find it here: Christians, Anal Sex and Anal Play

  2. Robyn Gibson says:

    Great post! I like that God says ‘apple’. A diet high in fruit matters. Apples, kiwi and melons, although this could be just my preference; I believe different women have different likes. But the wives I talk to agree that junk food and preservatives make semen not sweet (and pleasant) but nasty.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      And there is the best reason for going vegan that I’ve ever heard.

      1. Robyn Gibson says:

        I know, right!

    2. userdand says:

      @SR-Seriously, I read this all the time, but it is always phrased as “I hear pineapple, etc…”. I have yet to read/hear (like that topic is going to come up cross-gender over a cookout with the neighbors or church group) this as first hand information: “My husband eats X and has been for sometime now and his semen definitely taste different/sweeter/tastier/spicier/ or what have you depending on what “X” is. I have not doubt there may be truth to it. My wife says Mexican eaten earlier comes out of my skin, not just my breath. I have yet to see anyone go on record first-hand saying it is so when it comes to oral and semen. It’s seems it is all anecdotal.

      I just went on a rant below this comment. Avert your eyes.


      1. Robyn Gibson says:

        @BD – I just went on record. Also, with the cross-gender – probably not. However, that’s why older women are instructed to teach the younger women HOW TO love their husbands. Given the fact of its importance to husbands, it’s a shame that this subject probably never comes up at mother/daughter retreats.

        1. userdand says:

          @SR-Well, yes you did go on record. Sis used to be the one who was constantly surprising me with little revelations here and there but you have now surpassed her. I’ll chug a glass of pineapple juice in you honor. May have to make you an honorary Guy before long. A lot of open truth spoken here today by everyone. I, for one, really appreciate it. I do realize there is a lot of preaching to the choir going on here and that’s too bad. All we can do is keep hammering away.

          I really miss Christian Nymphos when it comes to a marriage and sex positive site authored by women for women. I liked that fact that men could also comment there unlike the Monogabliss spinoff. Perhaps they moderated them out, but I never saw a lot of trolls lurking there. I am glad they archived it. It’s a goto for me when I want to see what women think about things. Don’t have to go there to see what SR thinks though. ; D

          1. Jay Dee says:

            Yeah, I miss Christian Nymphos as well. It was a really good discussion generator in our house, though it seems we’ve moved beyond the need for an external impetus for discussing sex.

  3. userdand says:

    Excellent insight there, Jed. I can identify with not finding any joy or satisfaction in receiving a gift from your partner that is not given freely, willfully and joyfully. There may some guys who can do that and do it repeatedly, but not this one. Since you went way out on a limb here, I will too. My wife would rather I go alone though.

    I am on of those men who would tell you it is about acceptance, feeling of oness, not feeling rejected and imparts a feeling of total intimacy. I suspect most women would view those remarks as no surprise and consider them to be self-serving and not true feelings but only spoken as a means to an desired end. What I would try to get them to understand is that, for a man, the sex act is the primary source of intimacy. Anything that can be done to expand and further eroticize it serves to enhance that intimacy. For men, there are so many elements offered during the marriage act that are received as intimacies.

    We know sex isn’t the only way to be intimate, but it is our primary way. Orgasm should not be looked upon as the primary goal in a sexual encounter, but it can become the ultimate goal when the desires of physiology well up. I don’t know of any men (tantrics excluded) who engage in sexual stimulation of any type that do not desire orgasm to be the conclusion. It is my understanding that the big mistake men make when manually or orally stimulating a woman, even with PIV at times, is to change things up at the absolute wrong moment. The big O rides off into the sunset. I would submit to you, something similar happens with men. When thrown that change-up pitch at the critical moment, it has a detrimental effect on our perception of intimacy. Surveys say women REALLY love oral, but over half prefer to orgasm with PIV. They like the feeling of fullness within them and, I suspect, it has that one-flesh intimacy we all seek.

    Perhaps you can empathize if I put this in a slightly different perspective. What if, just as orgasmic inevitability sets in for you, we remove ourselves leaving you to orgasm “alone”? We remove the intimacy from the equation. At best, we offer the a gesture of inserting a finger or two, or sadly perhaps you are left to insert your own, in an appeasing effort to recapture the intimate feeling that was just crushed. Be quick though, or you are might miss it. Not what you wanted to be focusing on at that exact moment; me neither. Where is the intimacy and satisfaction in that scenario? THAT is the crux of the issue of removing your mouth at just that precise moment. I know you think that argument is a load of crap (not a pun until I saw it typed out), but that is the honest truth of the argument. Reflect back upon a time when either or both of you practiced withdrawal as birth control. Not very satisfying sexually was it? Now, do you remember what would happen on occasion? There were times when it would just “sneak up” on him and he wouldn’t pull out in time. That should tell you something about men and orgasm. He didn’t want you pregnant any more than you did, but he wanted that feeling of being warmly enveloped and went for it. I mean, after all, you were either just about to start, within, or had just finished your period. It was safe, wasn’t it? OOOPS!

    The whole point is that physiologically, psychologically and emotionally, as you like to feel “filled” (say that ten time fast) during a convulsive orgasm, we like to feel warmly enveloped. We both like those special feelings during and after the orgasm. That is the truth of the matter. The challenge is, with us those feelings come with a little something extra. And, while we are on quest for the truth, if you are one of so many women out there who are going for the seemingly elusive but highly-sought-after female ejaculation, what would you ask/expect of us when the desire and need for increased, consistent, intense stimulation comes-a-calling at just that moment during oral? Trade you. We have a deal?

    But, not if you really don’t want to give that special gift. I do, but I understand, if you don’t. Allow me to still hope though. For most of us husbands, it’s not a deal breaker; but, for us, it is an intimacy maker.

    And as for porn, where did the idea come from to put that kind of an act in a porn film for the first time. That may not make it any more pure or palatable (post-typed pun) to some people, but is not born of porn. In this instance, “art” imitated life. I would make that argument of most all porn or erotica that has been created: first the egg, then the chicken. Porn is the fast-food of intimacy. It is no more nourishing or satisfying but still consumed in massive quantities with hopes of filling a gnawing hunger.

    Hope I didn’t leap-frog you, Jed.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks for the comment, I agree with it. But who is Jed?

      1. Bonnie Wallace says:

        Lol. Jed writes a blog called Rock His World that is very good. You should check it out! 😉

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Yeah, I read his blog. Didn’t make the connection.

      2. Robyn Gibson says:

        True about Jed at RHW. Sometimes we use the term to mean ‘guy’ or ‘dude’.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I’ve never heard that before.

          1. userdand says:

            I have more than one Steve in my life. When the guys talk about that one in particular, to avoid confusion, we contract his name down to S’Wilson. Kind of like BJ in Mash being “Beej”. We have SR for Robin and BD for me. Should I revert to Jay Dee? Or perhaps, JD. About a year ago, a dear friend died. He was JD, also affectionately known as Brother Hog. Skinny little bald guy raised on a farm. Go figure. Interestingly, he had a baby pig as a pet for a while. They really are cute.

    2. userdand says:

      That wasn’t a comment. It was a mini-post. HA. As self-serving as it will no doubt seem to some women who may read it, it truly is how I feel about that issue and I think a lot of other men do too. It’s not about power or control or perversity. It’s about intimacy.

    3. Samantha says:

      “Filling”? Lol, sometimes that’s the most egregious problem with intercourse to begin with. Also, no man has to swallow foul smelling and tasting ejaculate from a woman.

  4. Phyveaux says:

    I’m also a fan of One Extraordinary Marriage, and am familiar with the idea that you only go as far as the most conservative spouse. Others use this as a guide also, but I still am not sure that I really find that a good standard. This seems to be applied only to sex, and sex is treated differently in this regard. The usual circumstance is that the husband is more adventurous and the wife more conservative. I realize that is not always the case, but it is more likely than not. If we applied this same standard to communication, would most wives be okay with that. Would we be okay saying that communication should be free and open, but should only go as far as the more conservative spouse is comfortable? Imagine a scenario where the wife wants to talk about finances, or the kids, or the in laws and the husband saying, honey, I’ll talk to you about baseball and work instead. If the husband was comfortable talking about baseball, but not comfortable with talking about the kids, would this be okay? Of course not. The husband should be open and willing to talk about those things that the wife feels the need it desire to talk about. I know this may not be a perfect analogy, but I’m still trying to process this idea. You say you’ve put oral sex on the shelf for a while, but I wonder how your wife would feel if you asked her to stop talking about her parents until you bring it up again in the future. Both free communication and free sex are important in the marriage, but only one of those carries an expectation of veto power by one spouse or the other. Thoughts?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I, for one, don’t think either spouse should have veto power over sex. But, I think, in some cases, specific acts are OK to say you are not comfortable with.

      In the case of talking. Let’s say I had a traumatic experience in my life, and I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Should my spouse be able to force me to talk about it? Should they want to knowing it was causing me pain, extreme discomfort, distress, anxiety? That’s a little different than talking about the finances.

      I think talking about finances is crucial. I think talking about the kids is crucial. I think talking about your faith is crucial. I think having sex is crucial.

      That said, I don’t think oral sex is crucial, or anal sex, or any other specific act. The intimacy is the critical part, now how it is achieved. Now, if sex is meant to bond us together (amongst other things), then how can an act that drives us apart be beneficial?

      For me, in my marriage (and other’s with other acts), this issue of finishing oral sex was dividing us instead of bringing us together. If there is something you are talking about that is dividing you (perhaps your views on politics), then yeah, it might be a good idea to shelve that for the good of the marriage, until it becomes a safe topic (if ever).

      Does that help to clarify?

      1. ButterflyWings says:

        I think that is very well said Jay Dee.

        Another thing I would add, is that oral sex is more about the receiver’s pleasure, even if the giver enjoys giving. I would in the context of conversations, it would like one person person constantly talking about a hobby their spouse doesn’t share. As much as the listening spouse might love listening to the talking spouse (and in my marriage, I deliberately encourage my husband to talk about his hobbies I don’t share because he’s not a big talker and I just love listening to him when he opens about anything, even if it’s not something that would normally interest me) . As much as a conversation between a talker and a listener might be good, it’s just not the same as a two way conversation where both are enjoying it equally.

        Sexual activity is much better where both are being physically pleasured, not just one person or the other.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I don’t know, from the sounds of it, some wives REALLY like giving…

          1. ButterflyWings says:

            True. It can be a great feeling for the wife, especially with men who only get off that way. But it’s dessert not the main meal. One cannot live on dessert. Real sex is the main meal and needs to be the priority. You won’t starve to death getting just dessert, but it’s not as healthy as a balanced diet.

  5. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says:

    Interesting about the porn comment. I’ve personally never had a wife tell me she won’t swallow because it’s an act in porn; she just doesn’t like the idea or the taste of it.

    And I’m with you on letting some desires go. It’s not loving to demand sex acts from your spouse, and they may simply come around on their own–which would be far more enjoyable.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      That is definitely far more common (the taste/texture aspect). In fact, I was surprised to see one comment from a wife saying she loves the taste…makes me wonder what their diet is like…

  6. Paul H. Byerly says:

    I’m a guy and I found the title offensive! I’d have said “Is it okay to expect her to swallow?”

    I can fully understand why a woman would not want to swallow, or even to take semen into her mouth. Mental and emotional aside, the consistency and flavour could easily be gross even to a woman who has no problem with his penis in her mouth.

    As Robyn suggested, this is something mothers and older women should be discussing with daughters and younger women. Give them the facts, including how much pleasure it can give a man and how to make it easy and enjoyable for her. Then let each woman try and find what she can handle.

    1. Phyveaux says:

      This again sounds like a double standard. I suspect that there are a substantial number of marriages in which the husband will gladly go down on his wife (and she wouldn’t want him to ever stop), but she won’t reciprocate for “mental and emotional” reasons or because of the “flavor or consistency”. She has. I problem with him tasting her for 10 or 15 minutes at a time, but is unwilling to taste him for 20 seconds? How is this reasonable?

      I get if a woman has a traumatic memory that keeps this from happening, but when it’s just because she doesn’t like it, it seems no more reasonable than a husband saying he isn’t going to talk about the things she wants to talk about because he doesn’t like those things. Or saying that he’s done giving her oral sex since it doesn’t taste like a great desert. I love performing oral sex on my wife because no matter how it tastes, I can’t get enough of the feeling of giving her pleasure – it completely rocks my world. Seems to me, however, that women seem to be given a lot more latitude to not please their husbands if it makes them the slightest bit uncomfortable.

      1. Paul H. Byerly says:

        First, I don’t see talking about things and sex as comparable. Talking about difficult things is necessary in all parts of life. Doing things you dislike sexually is rather different, IMHO.

        I’d advise any man to do all he can to perform oral sex if his wife is interested, and I’d tell him he will likely learn to enjoy it if he allows himself. I would say the same to any woman, but I do see differences, especially when we are talking about swallowing.

        As to “A traumatic memory” I think many woman qualify, especially if you look at the feelings caused by porn. Porn can make oral sex a very ugly thing where a man is dominating and using a woman, and if that is what she has seen I can see why she would feel disrespected that her husband even wants her to do it. Oral on women does not have the same porn baggage attached to it.

        As an aside, I wonder why swallowing would be such a big deal to a guy. I fully understand wanting to climax in her mouth, and I think Jay Dee explained why that matters. But once that is done, how is depositing the semen into a Kleenex different from swallowing? The only reasons I can see would involve head games and pride and other things that do not seem healthy to me.

        1. Aimee says:

          I agree with Paul on several things.
          One, yes, I too find the title a little offensive, repulsive?? Not quite sure what, but for me personally, it was a little off-putting.

          Second, comparing having a conversation to swallowing semen…uh, I just don’t get it. Seems like comparing oranges to apples and just something thrown out. I mean come on…a husband refusing to talk with his wife about something that is important to her because he doesn’t like the topic or finds it difficult to talk about is not the same as a wife saying she would rather not swallow during oral sex because she isn’t comfortable swallowing a bodily fluid that he ejaculated into her mouth.
          Both things should be discussed between husband and wife, but both things are not equal.

          JayDee’s explanation of why a husband would feel the need to climax in his wife’s mouth when he gets to the point of no return, so to speak, makes sense and not something I really understood before. But, again, I’m with Paul…why the big issue of her needing to swallow? She can discreetly let it drain out of the sides of her mouth or subtlety spit it out into a tissue. If she enjoys giving her husband oral sex and is even willing to let him finish in her mouth, but doesn’t want to swallow, does that really, honestly, make the act less intimate for the husband? If so, I really would like to understand why that is.

          Now obviously, if the wife is making a huge scene over how gross it is, quickly wiping her mouth on the sheets or gagging or what have you, that would certainly be rather painful for the husband leaving him feeling rejected by his wife. And that is when discussing the situation and then possibly “shelving” it for a while would make sense.

          And regarding porn and oral sex, yes there can be traumatic issues associated with that for a woman. I say from experience in my first marriage. An abusive man and porn do not mix well…actually, porn never mixes well in any marriage.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            I’d still like to know what about the title was off putting, offensive or repulsive. No one has been able to articulate what about it was yet. This is a real question I am seeing out there from wives, and I thought I’d address it.

            I’m especially confused, because yesterday I had the highest trafficked day since I started the blog (and not by a little bit, about double the usual traffic)…so some people must have found it enticing instead of off-putting…

            1. ButterflyWings says:

              I think maybe because it implies that swallowing is what should be done and not swallowing should be the exception? maybe?

              1. Jay Dee says:

                Yeah, that’s what Paul just wrote as well. Thanks for clarifying.

        2. Samantha says:

          Agree. There is also the oft hurled insult from males to females of “suck my ***k” which imparts the idea that a woman performing oral sex is being degraded.

      2. ButterflyWings says:

        I think that ignores that taste is individual. Men and women “taste” different down there, and different people have different taste tolerances.

        For example, my husband adores olives – I gag if one accidently ends up in my food. It is not a mental thing – it is a physical reaction that is unavoidable. If my husband cooks with olives in our food, I cannot eat it. I could force myself, and at times it hasn’t even been forced (such as when I’ve taken the wrong pre-cooked meal out of the freezer), but the instant the olives hit my tastes buds, I vomit. It is not a rejection of his cooking, I just simply cannot handle the taste.

        In a marriage, the woman might taste “acceptable” but a man might taste vile. For example, in my first marriage, my husband loved oral sex and I obliged. But by his own admission (from having kissed me after a few times), he could not bear the taste of himself. He liked the taste of me (although that was a rare occurrence as I hate receiving oral sex), but admitted the taste of him was vile.

        Phyveaux maybe the problem isn’t extra lattitude on this issue, but rather something in semen (as opposed to vaginal fluid) tastes much, much worse? Or maybe it is something men eat more of or something? I don’t know. With my first husband, I put it down to him being a smoker. When he quit, he’d taste less vile. Maybe it’s something hormonal effecting sense of taste – just look at how most women crave sweet things when they have PMS – maybe women’s taste buds are different from men’s. Who knows? But if men in general taste much worse than women, it makes sense that women would want to perform oral sex less.

        It is never a truly “equal” thing. Different people taste different and have different taste tolerances. Just because one spouse can tolerate the taste, doesn’t mean the other can.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I agree: olives are disgusting.

          Yeah, I think this is true, usually I hear from men that women taste either sweet or tart, but the women tend to say that men taste like bleach, or ridiculously salty snot…not quite a fair comparison.

          Which brings me back to Song of Solomon…how do we get back to tasting like fruit? What have we done to our bodies!

          1. ButterflyWings says:

            salty, snotty bleach would taste better than my exhusband. But it was the only way to guarantee he’d orgasm and I feel bad when he couldn’t from regular sex, so we had oral sex regularly. Just I’m one of those people who physically couldn’t swallow. I have a lot of trouble with vomitting from any kind of unpleasant taste (olives being one!). Tried my hardest over and over, but just couldn’t find a way.s

            I’m not sure about how to change the taste, but I can strongly suggest not smoking!

            I don’t know any of the top of my head but I have come across discussions on secular women’s forums discussing the topic. Just not for a few years because it’s been so long since it was relevant to me personally. There were specific diet suggestions but I can’t remember any sorry…

        2. Acer says:

          Sorry but vaginal fluid tastes far far worse than semen. Men are just afraid to offend women. Vagina has yeast and bacteria and undergoes cycle which makes the taste and smell really awful. With semen as long as men eat right it tastes neutral. So dont think for a second vaginal fluid tastes better it is far saltier and faw awful tasting. Women need to realize this.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            I think that depends on the woman. I absolutely love the taste of my wife’s fluids.

            1. Anonymous says:

              There is your problem. You are fine with her telling you you taste disgusting while you appreciate her. Vagina tastes like trash and highly salty due to sweat on vagina too. It is not up to the woman a vagina undergoes through cycle do they all have a issue down there. The only reason why you LOVE her taste cause you DEEPLY LOVE HER, and yet she does not reciprocate that and tells you your cuk is awful.

              1. Jay Dee says:

                Again, I disagree. I objectively enjoy the taste, and given the feedback I get from other husband’s, they genuinely enjoy it as well. I think perhaps you should look into your wife’s health. Sounds like something might be off. Or, it could be your negative feelings about your wife are adversely affecting your experience.

                1. Anonymous says:

                  No negative feelings at all. She swallows and she also is in good health. No matter how you put it you love her taste cause you love her. It is her taste but vagina truly does not taste good. Some women are just selfish they are happy their men enjoy their taste while she has no problem telling him his taste is disgusting. Some men genuinely enjoy it? Well have you seen women who genuinely enjoy swallowing their husbands cum. Yes! Plenty of women enjoy the taste and act of swallowing but if you observe them they are the ones who also DEEPLY love their men. Same goes with men they enjoy the taste cause they love the woman.

                  1. Jay Dee says:

                    How can you objectively say it doesn’t taste good? Where are you getting this data from? I think you’re in the small minority here.

                    1. Anonymous says:

                      Or maybe I have tried vaginas before and it tastes disgusting. I actually have a far more neutral taste than all the vaginas I’ve tried. Also I know a lot of men who are the same. Not minority in number but vast for sure.

                    2. Jay Dee says:

                      So, the reason I love it is only because I love my wife. Wouldn’t the opposite be plausible as well then? You only hate it because you hate your wife? Or maybe women in general, since you tried many. Your comments certainly sound full of hate for women in general.

                    3. Anonymous says:

                      There you said it. It’s plausible for the opposite sex. A woman who loves her man loves his taste. Period. And btw on your other response uncut men can get yeast infx on their own am speaking about cut men. And semen will never give men yeast infx. I work in the med field so you can pull whatever you want.

                    4. Jay Dee says:

                      Yeah, deflection again rather than debate. A claim to some authority rather than a response. I’m seeing the pattern here. Just another troll.

        3. Anonymous says:

          Disagree. Sorry clean eating men have a far neutral taste than vaginal fluid. Vagina sweats a lot and undergoes through cycle and ph changes. Vagina is very unpleasant to taste, and at times of the month have a very unpleasant odor. Women thinking they taste better than men need to stop having that delusion. Vagina has way far too many issues down there so it’ll carry a nasty taste. While a clean eating dude tastes neutral and sometimes even sweet.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            Data to support this?

            1. Anonymous says:

              My own experience and feedback I’ve had. Also do your research. Seems like you dont follow health and fitness. Plus I work in the med field. And you really dont think do you? You dont need to have data to know that vagina undergoes changes. You need to stop pretending to be a man. It is obvious you are a woman behind the keyboard.

              1. Jay Dee says:

                So, no data? Just personal feelings that you’ve assumed are shared by the rest of the world? I’ll stick with the surveys and conversations I’ve had with clients and my readers.

                1. Anonymous says:

                  There’s plenty of data I have no time to get one here from phone but am into fitness and fitness ed will tell you all this. Do your own research. If I am on laptop I’ll send you a data but on the phone pain in the neck. There’s a lot of data just read on pineapple link with cum taste. Pineapple makes cum sweet. Stick to whatever you want but you are dense of a person.

                  1. Jay Dee says:

                    I’ll wait. But I think you disproved your point there. People wouldn’t bother looking for ways to make ejaculate taste better if it naturally already did. Everyone knows about pineapple for men. There’s no need for a trick for women because men already like the taste.

                    1. Anonymous says:

                      Lies. Men hate the taste. Men have a neutral taste in general. If a man eats trash he will taste like trash like fast foods. Women need to drink plenty of water and eat right also so the taste down there is less disgustibg. But when that time of the month comes no diet can fix her taste. It’ll taste bad. Stop speaking for all men not all men like vaginal taste. Vagina tastes naturally bad her hydration and clean diet helps though. While women who eat trash fast foods have rancid tastibg vaginas. Thats fact. Women actually need to do more maintenance to make their taste bearbale. While men is just clean eating. Stop pretending yo be a man. You clearly are a woman by the way you present an argument.

                    2. Jay Dee says:

                      You accuse me of speaking for all men, but then you do the same. You claim inline, but offer only your own opinion as “fact”. I call troll.

                    3. Anonymous says:

                      Because you keep speaking for all men. You reslly come across as a beta one JAY. In fact you called me a troll what about you stop pretending to be a man when you are a woman behind that keyboard cause that is what a troll is.

                    4. Jay Dee says:

                      Here comes the red-pill manosphere speak. A philosophy based on fear and control. No wonder you have a contract view of marriage. You’re afraid if you don’t keep your wife in fear, she won’t actually love you enough to be intimate with you. What red-pill advocates often fail to realize is that their methods of control are ultimately limiting their wife’s love because neither spouse feels safe enough to be completely vulnerable. One is using fear to control sex and the other is paying with sex to fend off the fear. It ultimately leads to a shallow relationship, more like a hostage and a captor than marriage. Of course, many men are too afraid to admit it for fear of losing control, and the wives are too afraid to challenge it for fear of being cheated on or left.

                    5. Anonymous says:

                      Wow bringing politics here? Well you come across as one of those beta effeminate cuck that isxa pushover for women. Having a strong sense of self worth is actually a sign of courage not fear. You wont admit but your perception of being a pushover is actually the trait of fearful men. Men have a strkng sense of self worth they are courageous as they know what they want and should communicate that. Men can dump a woman for not fulfilling his desire but that should be made clear early on the relationship. Your views are very toxic to men. You ade making men a pushover and encouraging the. To be overpleaser while the woman barely tries. It really is sjckrning listening toyour ideology. Having the standard of being with a woman that is w swallower is not for control, a man is entitled to have that preference. You need to quit saying cuck sentiments, as you are a woman to begin with. Quit pretending you are a man it is clear you are a woman.

                    6. Jay Dee says:

                      I haven’t mentioned politics at all. Merely philosophy, which has been the basis for this entire debate.

                      The idea that your sense of self-worth overrides someone else’s desires isn’t courageous. It’s abuse. That’s how slavery starts: one person thinking their life has more value than another’s. In your case, you believe your preferences are more important than your wife’s. That’s contempt, which, according to the Gottman institute, is one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse of marriage.

                      I choose to value my wife as a person, not as an object. Clearly you disagree as you’re willing to end a marriage, relationship and family over a simple sexual act.

                      And yes, I think you’re entitled to have a preference. That’s not the issue. It’s choosing to make that preference more important than your wife that I find abhorrent.

                    7. Anonymous says:

                      You are a woman stop pretending and talking sbout wife. Listen it is not abuse to have a preference. If you both are not sexually compatible you all should not be dating. Swallowing is one thing that needs to be figured out early on before even getting in deep relationship and narriage. If she clearly refuses to meet a man’s need but expects to keep the man that is what abuse is. Or women putting on a show by swallowing then stops when marriage kicks in is also deceiving and abuse to the man. Deceiving a man is a firm of abuse in itself. A man is entitled to receive that need from a compatible partner. Thats why this needs to be established really early on when dating. Also I believe that if a woman truly loves a man she will swallow. I know women whowont swallow their ex but swallow for their current partners reason being? They are more INTO theur new partners and love them far more.

                    8. Jay Dee says:

                      I’m not sure if you realized this, but this site is written from a Christian worldview. One in which we believe it’s ideal not to have sex before marriage.

      3. ButterflyWings says:

        Oh and other thing about “equality” in oral sex. Very, very few women “ejaculate” as such. So men who perform oral sex don’t have to “swallow”.

        Once a man has ejaculated, that is his sexual climax. Getting a woman to then swallow isn’t about orgasming, it’s something else. For some it is domination/control, for others it is about prides, others may have other reasons, but I am yet to meet a guy who wants his wife to swallow where it isn’t a selfish issue and nothing to do with climax/orgasm.

        Once a man is finished, whether his wife spits or swallows his ejaculate is irrelevant unless he has serious issues.

        1. Phyveaux says:

          In sorry you haven’t met a man how didn’t want it for selfish reasons. Obviously I can’t explain from a man’s perspective why it’s fun, sexy or desired any more than I can explain why a man would find garters sexy, or lace, or why having her look me in the eyes during oral is sexy. It just is. It makes a man feel wanted, desired, accepted. For those women who love oral being performed on them, I can’t imagine most of them being okay with the man stoping to spit out the taste every time he needs to swallow during the act. It takes 10 minutes maybe to perform oral on most women. A man is going to have to swallow her lubricating fluids during this time. Imagine him pulling off and spitting it out each time. She would feel dirty, or messy or something similar. It is no different for a man.

          But, obviously nobody here sees it that way. It’s a double standard, and the lengths people go to explain it away basically just confirms that.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            You’re making a lot of sweeping statements there. The fact is, not all men like those things, though I agree some do. Not all men feel that way, though I agree some of them do.

            I can’t say I ever remember swallowing during oral sex… but, still, I don’t think this as simple as an apples to apples comparison. I’m kind of curious if you perform oral sex during your wife’s period (not that I’m saying there is anything wrong with that if you do, I’m not sure I have an opinion on that yet).

            But, obviously nobody here sees it that way. It’s a double standard, and the lengths people go to explain it away basically just confirms that.

            And this is just an inflammatory comment. I was considering not responding to it. Yes, people go through great lengths to explain away double standards. They do the same with false theologies. They also do the same with testimonies of belief, scientific papers, declarations of love and faith…and a bunch of other things. I would say the Bible is God going through great lengths to show His love for us. Going to great lengths for something does not automatically make it false. But, again, this can’t be called a double standard, because we aren’t talking about the same thing. Ejaculate from a male is chemically different than lubricant from a female. The texture is different. The taste is different. The rate of flow is different. Can’t have a double standard if there is no standard.

            Is this a struggle in your marriage? Is that why you are so passionate about this? I get the impression you are feeling hurt by this behaviour in your wife and are having trouble reconciling it.

          2. ButterflyWings says:

            Phyveaux it’s not a double standard, if for no other reason than the volume. Men have “pre-ejaculate” which I’m sure 99% of women who perform oral sex will end up swallowing, same as 99% of men will end up swallowing a bit of his wife’s fluid. I know in my first marriage when it came to oral sex, I swallowed a little of the pre-ejaculate along the way, and that was over a lot longer than 10 minutes.

            The thing is “lubricating fluids” is very different from “ejaculate”. The volume is immensely different.

            And in relation to stopping and spitting…. not that I’ve talked to a huge amount of people, but from the female friends I have talked to about it, it sounds pretty normal that their partners actually DO do that. They don’t feel dirty or messy – they accept it as a normal practice of oral sex. Why would they feel dirty or messy? They know their partners aren’t giving them oral sex because he likes the taste down there. If he doesn’t spit, the taste gets too much and can’t continue.

            But you say “it is no different for a man”. The thing is, you’re comparing apples and oranges. You’re talking about women BEFORE they orgasm, and men AFTER they orgasm. Any man or woman who stops to spit out pre-ejaculate before orgasm runs the risk of interrupting the flow and orgasm not being achieved. But AFTER orgasm, it’s not going to lead orgasm not being achieved.

            And I am yet to meet a man who doesn’t go wash his mouth out after sex which involved oral sex. He might wait until all sexual activity is wrapped up, but as soon as it is, he’s outta there, in the bathroom, washing his mouth out and brushing his teeth.

            Should his wife feel dirty and messy that he does this?

            A simple analogy…. you like kissing right? It involves a small exchange of saliva. How would you feel if when your wife orgasmed, she tipped a cup full of her saliva in your mouth and insisted you swallow that? That’s the difference between swallowing lubricating fluid and swallowing ejaculate.

            Maybe you’d tolerate it, maybe you’d like it even – I don’t know. But a lot of people wouldn’t like it. They might try it for their spouse and be able to tolerate it. Others wouldn’t even be able to tolerate. Some even gag at the thought of it.

            It’s not double standards to recognise the different between a very tiny volume of fluid and a huge volume of fluid.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              And I am yet to meet a man who doesn’t go wash his mouth out after sex which involved oral sex. He might wait until all sexual activity is wrapped up, but as soon as it is, he’s outta there, in the bathroom, washing his mouth out and brushing his teeth.

              Sorry, you went too far with this one. I don’t believe I have ever brushed my teeth or washed my mouth out after oral sex…I love the taste. And apparently some men agree with me. A quick skim of comments from the oral sex survey from the men show:
              “I like the taste, odor and feel of it.”
              “I would do it every time, if I could, because I love making her happy and I love her taste”
              “I enjoy her taste”

              So, I don’t appear to be alone.

              1. ButterflyWings says:

                Ah, that just proves one of my points. It’s different for people (male or female) who like the taste versus those (male or female) who can just barely tolerate it.

                1. Jay Dee says:

                  I haven’t heard from a male yet who said they just barely tolerate it (or even close to that sentiment), so I’ll have to take your word on that one.

                  1. Brian says:

                    I don’t just barely tolerate the taste of my wife. I really enjoy it, and even sometimes can’t get enough of it. But I’m still outta there and brushing my teeth as soon as we’ve finished up all our play time. Mostly because I assume she wants to kiss me again soon and she seems to not be willing to kiss me with until I’ve cleaned up from that. I clean up because I want to get back to being as close as possible to her, and I feel like she’ll keep me at a distance if I’m too dirty.

                    1. Jay Dee says:

                      Fair enough. So, you brush your teeth, but it’s not out of a wish to get the taste out of your mouth for your sake, but rather so your wife will kiss you again.

                  2. Anonymous says:

                    Uhm there are plenty of men who find tge tastes of vagina highly disgusting. You are just too much of a pushover pleaser in the bed. But trust me plebty of men find the snekl awful and find the taste disgusting.

                    1. Jay Dee says:

                      Well, since then, I’ve run surveys with hundreds of men responding anonymously and I can quantitatively and objectively say you are in the rare minority if you feel that way. Of course, I believe you’re welcome to your own preferences. Nowhere in the Bible does it say oral sex is a requirement of marriage.

                    2. Anonymous says:

                      Run all the surveys you want Jay Dee. There’s also lots of surveys out there that prove men hate going down and hate the taste. The number of men who do are not minority. Many men hate the taste but they just do it to please the woman. In fact more women enjoy giving oral than men giving oral in one survey. Btw these men surveyed are by thousands.

                    3. Jay Dee says:

                      Could you post a link to one?

          3. Aimee says:

            Double standard??
            You are comparing apples to oranges, which is exactly what has been happening in several comments on here where people are trying to say a wife should swallow.

            A wife swallowing her husband’s semen has been compared to a husband talking with his wife…maybe he shouldn’t have to talk about anything he isn’t comfortable with, just like she shouldn’t have to swallow. Really?? Pretty interesting comment given that part of JayDee’s post was about him and his wife talking about the situation between them. What if he had just said, “sorry honey, I’m not comfortable talking with you about this topic.”

            A wife swallowing has also been compared to making a different type of cheesecake that her husband requests. And again, in the post JayDee wrote, it appears to me that his wife was more than willing to try doing something he wanted, she was willing to try a different “cheesecake”, but it just didn’t turn out very well. And so that cheesecake was taken off the menu, at least for a while.

            And now, it’s being compared to a husband giving his wife oral and swallowing. Swallowing what??? Yes, there are secretions, but a majority of women do not ejaculate during orgasm. And if a wife does, than she can signal when she’s about to so her husband could continue using his fingers instead of his mouth. As far as a husband stopping to spit out fluids every so often while giving his wife oral, really?? That has no comparison whatsoever to a woman swallowing after her husband has climaxed and the amount of his ejaculate. If my husband were to do something so rude and dramatic like that, I would just tell him not to bother! But we’re not talking about the wife stopping oral before her husband ejaculates, the post was about swallowing it once he has climaxed. Big difference!

            In a loving marriage there are two people who both have likes and dislikes, who are both comfortable and not comfortable with some things. Both husband and wife need to do their best to be selfless and loving towards their spouse, and that is where communication is vital to a thriving marriage, and a satisfying sex life for both spouses.
            And to me, that is what JayDee’s post was all about. His wife really tried to give him something he wanted, she was trying to be selfless and over look her own discomfort, but in the end it was making them both uncomfortable. So they talked about it, made a mutual decision and actually found freedom to enjoy their sexual relationship once again by letting something go that was not working for one and not a necessity for the other.

            I think his whole post got turned on it’s ear as the comments became all about why or why not a wife should swallow, when in reality he just wanted to hear about how other couples deal with sexual issue that perhaps makes one spouse uncomfortable.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              Yep, that’s what I was getting at…talk out your differences and come to a mutually agreed upon solution. I had no idea this was going to be such a contentious topic, though I love the discussion, so long as people aren’t being hurt by it.

            2. Spairitwalker142 says:

              Well said. Very well said. Bravo.

          4. Anonymous says:

            It for sure is a double standard. Like do women think they taste good down there? In all reality if a woman cant swallow she should have the decency to not accept to receive oral. Some women cant swallow semen yet they expect their fluid which harbors yeast and bacteria, and undergoes bleeding cycle to be swallowed. It’s awful how some men put up with this.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              My wife knows I think she’s tastes amazing because I tell her (honestly) all the time that she does.

              1. Anonymous says:

                Well you think she does cause you love her. I pity you however. You tell her all that yet she tells you a part of you your essence, your cum tastes disgusting. And no newsflash no vagina tastes good. It tastes nasty. Am starting to suspect you might be a woman behind a keyboard.

                1. Jay Dee says:

                  Pity away if it makes you feel better. I’m going to continue to enjoy my supposedly blissfully ignorant marriage.

        2. SeattleWill says:

          Have you bothered to read any of the posts? If you had, you might understand the feeling of acceptance and love that swallowing his semen conveys.

      4. Anonymous says:

        I agree one hundred percent. If a woman cant swallow she should not receive oral.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Doesn’t that reduce sex to a reciprocal contract rather than a loving mutual giving?

          1. Anonymous says:

            No it does not reduce it to any contract. Listen at the start of your article you clearly mentioned that oral has been one sided. You are oblivious that you are with a selfish lover. If she is willing to receive from you and yet she barely gives you oral. You come across as a pushover. Her barely reciprocating shows selfishness yet you say she is selfless like what on earth kinda mind is that. If she cant give then she shouldnt be willing to receive and enjoy receiving.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              This sounds legalistic. You’re focusing on the act rather than the people.

              I prefer to work under the paradigm that we each give of ourselves that which we can. That can change from day to day and hear to year.

              But you’d rather ignore the personal preferences, tastes, and comfortlevel with specific actions and instead demand a specific sexual activity. To me, that seems like selfishness.

              You’ve abstracted sex from the relationship choosing to prioritize the physical activity over the people involved in it simply so you can ejaculate in her mouth.

              In fact, you don’t really want it to be her mouth, do you? If you did, you’d be willing to wait until she came around to it. But instead you just want a fantasy wife without a personality, just one that will be there to service you.

              You can’t have a relationship without being willing to accept the person where they are.

              1. Anonymous says:

                My wife enjoys swallowing. But here you go again with your flawed argument and you are truly oblivious. I understand give what you can but my argument is your partner is selfish. Cause of the fact that she enjoys receiving from you while barely giving it to you. That is not legalistic that is basic common sense. Yes give what you can and that change day to day but no one can unseen or deny the fact that a person is a selfish lover if that person enjoys receiving but rarely gives it. Your wife is selfish, no way around it. It’s fine if your wife rarely gives or wont swallow but she needs to have the decency not to capitalize on you being a giver by willingly allowing herself to receive oral. You need to wake up.

                1. Jay Dee says:

                  Why are you so angry if you’re happy in your marriage and I’m happy in mine? Why do you feel that you need to “wake me up” and make me mad at my wife?

                  1. Anonymous says:

                    It’s not your marriage per se. It’s the message you are conveying in the article. You are basically blinding men from self worth and encouraging them to be with a selfish spouse. Not wveryone us sharp wnough yo see the bad message in your article. It’s basically enabling men to be selfish. And btw it’s been five years since you made this article and yet she hasnt dobe this for you. Men need to maintain srlf worth so that they will envoubter a selfless person thus having an incredible relationship.

                    1. Jay Dee says:

                      I think it’s more likely you’re feeling challenged and convicted, but you aren’t willing to change. So, rather than have a rational debate, you bring up accusations misinformation and angry rants in order to convince yourself that you don’t need to change.

          2. Anonymous says:

            Reciprocal contract rather than loving giving? Tell that to your partner who made oral sex one sided on her favor. No one should capitalize on a person being a giver. Loving mutual giving is right but it is an unspoken gesture that both partners out of instinctuak love should be eager to please and if one cant fulfill a pleasure then that person should have the decency to decline or not receive from the giver.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              Your vocabulary betrays your views. She’s not “capitalizing” on it. I’m giving what I can, and she is giving what she can. I’m all honesty, I tend to want to “give” her oral more than she wants to “get” it. So really, I’m the one being selfish and her generous when I “give” her oral sex.

              1. Anonymous says:

                Uhm my diction does not betray me at all. I am just sensible and see basic common sense. Sorry but I dont believe she wants to receive less. One sided oral happened in the relationship for a long period of time and she likes to receive it less. Big lies. You love to give her oral but she for sure does love receiving. Otherwise it wouldnt get her off and she would turn it down each time. You really are unaware. You will see someday.

                1. Jay Dee says:

                  No, actually, the majority of the time she doesn’t. She’s far happier giving me oral than receiving it. Usually it doesn’t get her off either. That’s a rare event. She tends to be too sensitive. She does turn it down almost every time. You’re making assumptions based in your one marriage.

    2. Jay Dee says:

      I’m confused, why is the title offensive?

      1. Paul H. Byerly says:

        It implies that swallowing is the norm, and suggests there is something wrong with a woman who wants to not do it.

        I doubt that is what you meant (knowing you from other things you have said) but that was my first thought.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Thanks for clarifying Paul. I didn’t mean to imply that in the least. Hopefully it’s not stopping too many people from reading.

        2. WillinSeattle says:

          Actually, swallowing us the norm. Recent surveys found that 88% of married Christian women perform oral sex. More than half let their husbands cum in their mouths, and more than half of those wives swallow. Many women who don’t like the taste of semen will position their husband’s penis so the ejaculate goes down her throat without her tasting it. Very sexy. Much more pleasant than spending half an hour buried up to your ears (literally) in a smelly vagina with vaginal juices in your mouth and your nose. .

          1. Jay Dee says:

            Let’s check this math out. I’m going to use the stats based on our oral sex survey, because you have some vague “more than half” figures. We get:

            88% of wives perform oral sex
            54% of wives let their husbands ejaculate in their mouth
            58% of those swallow

            So, we have 0.88 * 0.54 * 0.58 = 0.275616
            Which means only 27.5% of wives swallow. I wouldn’t call that “the norm”.

            As for the other comment, I wouldn’t call a vagina “smelly”, I’m not sure how you get “up to your ears” in one (literally), and I find nothing unpleasant about spending half an hour with those juices in my mouth and nose 🙂

            1. Anonymous says:

              And there goes your problem you let your wife tell you your cum is disgusting while you over adore her juices. I see one sided pleasing here.

              1. Jay Dee says:

                It could also be seen as each side giving what they’re capable of at the moment. My wife has pushed and gone past a lot of previous boundaries. If she has one or two that she’s not quite able to overcome yet, it would be pretty selfish, uncompassionate and ungrateful of me to say “hey, you’re not perfect yet, so no oral for you”. Plus, I love giving her oral, so I’d also be depriving myself.

                1. Anonymous says:

                  Or maybe she is just selfish and you are oblivious. You already mentioned that oral was one sided. That alone is a red flag. She took advantage of you being a giver. Allowing herself to receive oral from you while she barely goes down. Secondly she knows how much swallowing means to you and as a spouse she cant do that? While she lets you lick her fluid that essentialy breeds yeast and bacteria. FYI semen is cleaner than vaginal fluid you wont hear of a man getting yeast infection on his own cause of semen. While women get vaginosis and yeast infx.

                  1. Jay Dee says:

                    True, men can’t get vaginosis… But they can get yeast infections.

                    She means more to me than swallowing. I’m in love with her, not what she can do for me.

                    1. Anonymous says:

                      Men get yeast infections from women who have yeast infections. Men do not get yeast infections on their own and not because of semen. Women even plenty of virgins get yeast infections on their own cause vagina has it. Men dont get it on their own. I know you love her all I am saying is, she is a selfish lover and it is really obvious. Not swallowing you made you feel bad but she isnt willing to do ut regardkess yet she receives oral from you. Sorry but you are with a selfish one no way around it.

                    2. Jay Dee says:

                      More misinformation.
                      Men can get yeast infections other than from sex:

          2. Anonymous says:

            Agreed on that. Having that smelly moist vagina is far more disgusting to have close to your face. Vagina is sweaty has yeast and bacteria and undergoes cycle which makes it nasty. Semen is actually way cleaner than vaginal fluid.

  7. onewomanman says:

    Unfortunately, I’m still on first base in this area still dealing with only the “Is it OK” part of your post. I’m encouraged hearing that you were once in my situation where my wife is perfectly willing to receive but not give. Let’s just say its all she can do to simply give a quick “peck on the cheek” with closed eyes and lips down there. Taking anything in the mouth simply isn’t even a consideration I’m afraid. “That wasn’t made to go in there” is pretty much her position. I’m hoping we can work on that, but after 23 years….I’m not holding my breath. Still, knowing there’s others out there that have tread this path too, in a way, is both encouraging and discouraging at the same time. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I understand that mix of encouragement and discouragement when you read articles on sex, been there. A quick “peck on the cheek” sort of thing was far more than I got for the bulk of the marriage. Every marriage progresses at it’s own pace. At times, I look at marriages that start off great in the sex department and wonder why that couldn’t have been us, but then others, you look at marriages that took 30+ years to turn around (just to have sex, not even talking about “extras”) and think “There, but for the grace of God, go I”.

      I think the key is realizing we all have our own journey, our own walk. Take from others what you can to improve yours, but never try to compare or stack up against them, because you don’t know what you have somewhere else that they don’t. Our life is not free from struggle, worry or hardship either.

      I will keep sharing in the hopes of helping people, and praying that I am not causing undue hardship in others.

      Thanks for the comment.

  8. LatterDay Marriage says:

    I’m the uninhibited one in our marriage, so there are some things I would love to share with her that she just isn’t ready for. But I only want to share them with her when she is happy to do so. My first priority is that my wife enjoys it and has not regrets after. In the the end WHO you make love with is far more important than what is on the menu.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      That’s a good attitude to have.

  9. Aimee says:

    I think perhaps the title caused mixed reactions, but probably brought more traffic because it obviously was about oral sex. People maybe were curious as to where you were going with the post. Would it be along the lines of what you wrote, that no it is not necessary or coming from a standpoint of yes, wives need to step out of their comfort zones and just do this for their husbands, kwim? Could have been men hoping to see one type of response and women another??

    I guess my initial reaction to the title was annoyance perhaps, kind of like, why it even needs to be questioned. Not sure that makes sense, I do have a hard time putting it into words. But I felt like blurting out, “Really?? Of course it’s okay NOT to swallow, or do any other sexual act that you’re uncomfortable with, and if a husband is forcing the issue that isn’t very loving!” And having said that, I know that isn’t where you were coming from, which is obvious from the post you wrote.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks for the explanation. Actually, I’ve gotten a lot of comments in surveys from wives responding to questions with answers like “I just never thought about not doing it.” and “…it just seems like part of the event” or “we never discussed it, I just do it”. So yeah, there are some people out there that aren’t aware it’s an option.

      Part of the title idea came from my wife’s attitude. She was trying so hard to be OK with the idea (not because I was forcing, but because she wanted to do it for me), when she realized she just couldn’t, the conversation was very much “Is it OK if I don’t?” As in, will you be devastated if we shelve this for a while? She knew of course that it was an option, but she wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be crushed by it. I was fine, but it’s become very clear by comments in the survey that some men see it as a requirement, so do some women. Other women (and men!) think it’s disgusting and would never do it. So, the opinion on this is all over the place.

      And then I had some SEO considerations as well (I get a lot of searches looking for stuff on swallowing). So, it’s a mix of survey comments, my wife and search engines that picked the title. Honestly, I never imagined anyone being offended by it.

      I’m glad you felt the post cleared up the title. Thanks for responding.

      1. Robyn Gibson says:

        Seriously? I looked at the title and said, “right on brother!”

        –I believe that anything my husband wants, I should and will do with him, for him, to him. Why would I deny him anything? It is selfish to place my fears ahead of him. To regard my own wants/needs ahead of his. I know that years ago I would have responded to my own comment with, “well, what about MY needs and wants (unwants/dislikes) as his wife.” And that response would have proved my exact point: ME, I, MY.
        –Where there is fear there is no love. Perfect love casts fear away. John didn’t place any exclusions when he wrote this. Therefore, it’s inclusive of us and our marriage. Breaking into the unknown is better viewed as the adventure that it is. (here I go with the cheesecakes again!) When Darrell said that he wanted mint chocolate cheesecake for his birthday instead of regular chocolate, I started researching right away. It’s no different with sexual specifics. Women are not educated and familiar. They’re too busy trying to figure out what will and will not work for themselves: What they think is best, what they think is ‘righteous’ … that they can’t look beyond their own needs, and so constantly refuse. They would be more loving, more full of grace and giving… better wives …if they would go to work on themselves and say, “Ok. He wants this Lord, so help me make it happen – adapt me.”

        1. ButterflyWings says:

          Robyn what if your husband turned around and said to you that he wanted to defecate on you during sex? or he wanted to whip you til you bled as part of sex? And there are worse things than that out there some men demand of their wives during sex.

          I doubt you’d truly be willing to do ANYTHING he requests as everyone has boundaries. Just people have different limits.

          I have never refused my husband anything, but in my first marriage I did. And my exhusband put me through a lot. Demanding all sorts of horrid demeaning things most women would refuse and I never said no. Even after I was sexually assaulted and even a simple hug would leave me traumatised, I still never refused my (now ex) husband and did everything he wanted. But even I had limits.

          For me, my limit is I wouldn’t participate in threesomes/foursomes/orgies like he wanted. And then he spouted the same lines you have just said. That if I “truly loved” him, then I should be willing to do anything sexually he asked for. That I should put aside my needs for his sexual wants. It was MY values and I am not at all ashamed to be proud of putting my/I/me first with that particular demand from him.

          Sometimes saying NO is the correct moral thing to do.

          1. Robyn Gibson says:

            @butterfly wings: 1) “what ifs” are the words that I CONSISTENTLY hear from women looking to excuse themselves from completely adapting to their husbands – the ever popular mental catch-phrase to excuse SUBMITTING. 2) “if” your husband wants you to do sexual acts that you believe are not unto Christ, you need to go to the church as is your course of action in the Bible.
            –“I doubt you’d truly be willing to do ANYTHING …” Then you’d be wrong. I could sit here and slander another too with lots of acts of ‘terribles’, just as you’ve done, to make myself look better, more holy, but the truth is I sin as much as my husband – it’s just different sin.
            –thinking others are worse than us because we can site lots of garbage they do, still doesn’t make us more righteous, right or better.

          2. Robyn Gibson says:

            @butterflyWings (your last line) “Sometimes saying NO is the correct moral thing to do.” You are wrong. The ‘correct’ thing to do when sin is involved is not take matters into your own hands. When I take matters into my own hands my pride presupposes I know what is best for everyone involved, that I have all the answers. Also it does nothing to help the growth of the one who is sinning, which is supposed to be our main concern, not ourselves. The more we want to point out the sin of our husband’s the greater the degree of selfishness within ourselves. This means we don’t really care about helping a brother, a weaker brother, get strong; instead we’ve fixated on how it is affecting us.

            1. ButterflyWings says:

              Robyn it is not “slander” to assume you would not do something sinful to satisfy your husband. It is a compliment to you. I could insult you with saying it is “slander” by taking my compliment of your moral standards and claiming it is somehow “slandering” you but I won’t because I understand you’ve just taken something out of context and misunderstood.

              And no, we don’t have to take it to church if someone asks us to do something sinful. If a matter can be worked out with a brother/sister directly, it should be done so. It should only be taken to others if the matter cannot be resolved between the two people involved.

              I am not insulting your husband either. I’m sure your husband is trustworthy and wouldn’t ask you to do anything wrong, the same with my husband. But not all women are blessed with such God honouring/wife honouring men. Some do have husbands who ask them to do terrible things and there are some things that should not be done. For these women, it’s not a matter of “what if” – for some women it is their lived experience.

              It is why we can’t just say women should be willing to do “anything” because there are limits, some things are immoral and some women have husbands who will ask them to do these things.

              And then there are just some things that some women can’t physically do because their bodies are just not capable of it. For example, the swallowing semen thing – there are some women who could not physically make themselves swallow even if their life depended on it. Some would dearly like to, some desperately want to make their husbands happy, but their bodies will not physically let them.

              They shouldn’t be made to feel bad because they can’t do every single last thing their husbands ask of them. If they physically can’t, then they can’t. It’s not like they’re saying no, it’s not like they haven’t tried, it’s just that it doesn’t work.

              1. Robyn Gibson says:

                You slandered your ex-husband by talking negatively about him. But perhaps gossip would be a better word: “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details which are not confirmed as true.”

                1. ButterflyWings says:

                  Perhaps you should look up the definition of slander. First of all, slander refers to things that aren’t true. When something is true, by very definition it is not slander.

                  Nor what I have is gossip and it is slander for you to say so. ie since slander is saying something that is untrue about a person, you are slandering me.

                  My comments about my exhusband were neither casual nor unconstrained. If YOU repeated them, they would be gossip as YOU cannot confirm their truthfulness, but as they are things I have witnessed, they do not fall under the category of gossip in any way, shape or form.

                  Unless you’d describe all the negative things reported by witnesses in the bible as “gossip”, you might want to look at what you consider gossip – or do you believe all the negative things stated about individuals in the bible are in fact gossip? Giving a truthful, eyewitness account of a negative event is neither slander nor gossip.

                  Anyway, by your definition of slander and gossip, you have in fact slandered and gossiped about your husband by saying he sins. It is a negative statement and I have no way to confirm if in fact what you say is true. It is only your cflaim that he sins.

                  Actually, if you look at this whole blog, it often involves talking about negative stuff about spouses. Does that mean, everyone including Jay Dee is slandering/gossiping about their spouses because they are open and honest about discussing their marriage because some of those things involve negative behaviour by their spouse? I think you’ve just labelled every person who has ever commented as a slanderer or gossip based on your claim that discussing negative things about their spouse is slander or gossip.

                  You can keep citing lots of garbage about me to try to make yourself look better and more holy but it just makes you look hypocritical. I’m not interested in negative, insulting people like yourself. People read this blog to get help with their marriages, not to be attacked for sharing difficulties they are going through with their spouse. If you really hate what you call slander/gossip so much, don’t be so keen to do it yourself.

                  Being so negative and attacking others doesn’t really make them listen to you.

                  Also, just be grateful you have a good husband – don’t try to make others who have husbands who try to make them do immoral things feel like they can’t open up and ask for help because according to you that is slander and/or gossip. I can stand up to insulting people like you, but not all people feel they can. They just run away and hide and don’t seek help again for fear of being labelled gossips/slanderers as you have labelled people who open up about immoral behaviour from their spouses.

                  Reply all you like, but I won’t be bothering to reply to you. I have no time for hypocrites who attack those who are going through or who have been through hell that you cannot even begin to imagine – because if you could imagine it, you wouldn’t be so judgmental and rude to people who are or have been through it.

                  1. Robyn Gibson says:

                    talking about problems isn’t slander nor gossip if you are truly looking for a way to find solutions and reconcile the relationship. Are you seeking to do that with your ex-husband?

                    1. ButterflyWings says:

                      There is another reason people talk about the past – and that is to help others with shared experience. I share my past experiences to help others to know they are not alone. As for my exhusband, I tried everything in my power to help him. He didn’t/doesn’t want help and I feel great pity for him as the only one he is hurting is himself. I’d love to help him but he has turned his back on God and takes great joy in every sexual perversion possible. I want to help, for the most part more than any other reason is he now has another child he is hurting terribly with his behaviour and that child needs someone who cares about him.

                      Unfortunately, people who don’t want to helped can’t be helped. My exhusband disappeared around three years ago so I am not in a position to continue to try to help him. All I can do is pray for him. But in the meantime, I can use my experience to reassure others who are still in abusive relationships, that they are not alone, and that it really is okay to refuse to participate in behaviour the bible clearly says is immoral, whether it be sexual relations with someone else, or other things like stealing, violence etc.

                      When I was going through it, I had been raised to believe that saying no to a spouse anything, including behaviour the bible clearly says is wrong, is also wrong. When people are in that situation, they feel like they have no way out – that no matter what they do, it is wrong. I want to reassure women that submission to one’s husband doesn’t mean doing things they know God has declared to be immoral.

                    2. Robyn Gibson says:

                      @butterfly Wings, shared experiences are for encouragement and success – Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

          3. Jay Dee says:

            Also, keep in mind that Robyn is talking about HER husband. She knows and trusts that he will do nothing to harm her (though that wasn’t a requirement for her initial submission). But to be able to confidently say that she would do ANYTHING, that shows a level of trust and commitment to each other.

            And honestly, I think this is the ideal. Ideally, we should all know our spouses that well, and ideally our spouses should be this trustworthy.

            Understandably, not all of them are. But, I’d be willing to bet that a lot of the women who say “what if he wants this?” are doing it out of pride/misplaced fear/want for control.

            1. Robyn Gibson says:

              Faith is first, then builds trust and intimacy follows. If you know what you know – faith is not necessary. It is an extraordinary thing to experience: The more I step into the unknown the stronger my faith in God becomes and propels me to give more freedom to my husband (not just sexually, but in general) God raises the bar with my husband (just between the two of them) and he strives to fulfill and reach that bar … I change to be a better wife and he changes to become a better husband. God gets all the glory for it! God taps into the hard-wired “6-pack” that all men carry within themselves. (6-pack abs is from Emerson Eggerichs)

            2. Sue says:

              I’m glad that Robyn can have that level of trust in her husband. Butterfly Wings brings up an interesting point. When I was married, I tried being nice and submitting to my husband, even more so after he had an affair. I just got to put up with more infidelity. And was I really doing my ex-husband any favors? I was basically rewarding him for his sin by being even nicer after he committed adultery. After all, I blamed myself and figured if I’d been a good enough wife, he would not have done this. Trying to be a good enough wife to “nice” him out of his infidelity was an epic fail for me.

              As I’ve grown older and hopefully wiser, I learned that setting boundaries can be the most loving thing we can do for a person. Boundaries are meant to allow someone to experience consequences for their sin so they will decide to repent. After they have a change of heart, submission and working toward marital reconciliation can be incredibly successful. I’ve heard countless stories of people who have turned from sins like alcoholism, adultery and abuse because their spouse finally stopped being “nice” and decided to set boundaries. Setting boundaries and even initiating temporary separation allowed these marriages to finally go on the path to real reconciliation. And, even more importantly, it saved the souls of people on self-destructive paths who didn’t know the Lord.

              Submitting to others is what the Lord tells us to do, but there are times when it is necessary to set boundaries so someone can repent and reconcile their own relationship with the Lord. It definitely takes some wisdom to know whether setting boundaries or submission is the right course of action. I would highly recommend the book “Love Must be Tough” by Dr. James Dobson and the book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. I would also recommend seeking godly counsel for anyone who is struggling with marital problems.

              If anyone is reading this, I hope it helps them not make the mistakes I made.

              1. Sandi says:

                Submission and boundaries aren’t mutually exclusive. They are both/and not either/or.

                1. Sue says:

                  You bring up a good point. It would be possible to submit to your husband on many things AND set a boundary that you won’t have a threesome with him and another woman because that would be adultery. It would even be possible to submit to him by spicing up sex in other ways that don’t involve breaking commandments.

                  What I meant when I phrased it the way I did is that it wouldn’t be possible to submit to the hubby’s request to have a threesome, and, at the same time, set a boundary saying no to the request to have a threesome.

        2. Aimee says:

          We all have limits on things we are willing to do, whether it’s in or out of the bedroom.
          To imply that a woman is selfish for denying her husband ANYTHING is ridiculous.
          And I’m not quite sure where the ‘fear’ is coming in to this whole discussion on swallowing during oral sex. I don’t believe it’s a ‘fear’ for some, although it may be, but honestly, if I DID fear something that my husband was wanting me to do sexually, I’ll be damned if I would just say, “well, I need to put my fear aside so I can give him anything”! I don’t think so.
          That is where communication comes in.

          And comparing cheesecakes to sex?? Huh, kind of like comparing talking with your spouse to sex.
          I’ll make my husband anything he wants for his birthday…I always ask what he wants and make him that special treat.
          And I always ask what he wants sexually too. But if he were to ask for something sexually that made me uncomfortable or definitely caused a fear inside, it just might not happen. and he wouldn’t expect me to do anything that made me fearful.

          And you can be educated and informed about anything, but still not want to do something. That doesn’t make a person selfish.

        3. Anonymous says:

          You are incredible and God bless your marriage. Women dont realize that pleasing your man like that is what’ll keep him. Your marriage will be continued to be blessed cause you follow the Lord well.

      2. Paul H. Byerly says:

        Of course the surveys you and I do are skewed because most of the folks who answer them are very sex positive. I would guess that this is particularly true for woman who answer out polls as compared to Christian woman in general.

        Knowing that this skew exists is good, just wish there were some way to compensate for it. I suppose it shows what could (and in my mind should) be.

        1. Robyn Gibson says:

          Aren’t all surveys and data and such, always slightly skewed? Isn’t information generally slanted to say what it’s meant to mean? That being said, there is still a whiff of truth, ‘where there’s smoke there’s fire,’ so can’t we draw generalities? Now on the other hand. Proponents of the thought theory that there are no soul-mates but rather within a 5 mile radius there is someone else for you (not sure what it’s called) – aren’t surveys just smaller snapshots of the larger part of society as a whole?
          –as an aside, I find observation and repeated phrases/thoughts a very good ‘tell’ (that’s how I do my surveys). JD, as a homeschooler, might be able to identify with this ‘tell’. We’ve lived all across Canada in the last 4 years, and there is a ‘textbook’ phrase I hear when people find out we are a homeschooling family … “Our school isn’t like that it. Our school is awesome.” We hear this response from almost EVERY person we’ve talked to. Then true to pattern, the next part of the conversation is spent listening to all the wonderful things that happen at their school. I find this ‘data’ revealing.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            I can’t remember which book it is (The Contrarian’s Guide to Leadership, Sticky Church, or
            Sticky Teams, they are all great books), that says that surveys lie.

            I see this with many aspects of our life. When people find out we’re Canadian, they tell us how good America is. When people find out we’re homeschooling, they tell us about all the extracurricular programs at their school, when people find out we used midwives for our births, they tell us about how good their OB was. When people find out we meet with a small group from church every week they tell us about how friendly their church services are. Any time we do anything our of the norm, someone will try to convince us in some way that it is safer to be in the herd, and often their reasons indirectly point to their fear (their real fear is the thing they AREN’T talking about).

            1. Robyn Gibson says:

              VERY well put!! “(their real fear is the thing they AREN’T talking about)” !! and ” … in the herd” love it!

          2. Spairitwalker142 says:

            Having had to take a statistics course for college, I can say that there are 15 or more formulas you can use to skew the answers to say what you want.

  10. Maria says:

    I’d like to say that for me it has nothing to do with acceptance or love of my partner. It is the dislike of the taste, texture and temperature. I would like to swallow and I have tried many times but the palatability of cum does not change no matter what I do. I would not try if I did not love my partner. It is difficult to make yourself like something that you don’t like, even your goal is to show love and unselfishness.

    The reaction to the taste is beyond my control, I retch and have vomited. Dread and resentment can easily take over with an act that should be intimate, loving and trusting but is tense. The reward does not seem to be a feeling of closeness but a sadness that the person you love the most can have an orgasm while their partner is struggling to cope.

    I do not mean to guilt anyone or criticize. I just wanted to share my feelings in the hope of gaining some understanding. The person trying to please their partner by swallowing but is having difficulty feels as unloved and unaccepted as the person who wants the act. Please try to be empathetic.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks for sharing Maria. I, for one, agree. That’s the reason we decided to shelve this, it wasn’t making anyone happy and was getting in the way of growth in our marriage. This was not a hill I was willing to die on, and frankly, I have enough validation of my spouses love for me outside of this act.

      1. Anonymous says:

        Thank you for being so understanding. I appreciate how difficult this situation is for men. Believe me that if I could swallow I would.
        I think your wife is right though. No now does not mean no forever. There are many ways that I have matured in my sexuality with my husband as I have gotten older. I never thought I would. I grew up in a very religiously conservative atmosphere.
        It is a combination of trust, comfort and maturity. One element of trust has been his acceptance with grace some of my limitations.
        It makes me try harder because I know that he will accept my efforts without anger, frustration and impatience. That alone has resulted in my growth along with my very much loved husband. Yeaaa

        1. Jay Dee says:

          You’re welcome.

          Yeah, I don’t see any point in trying to make her do it, it’s counter productive.

          Thanks for commenting.

  11. Caitlin @ Marriage Sex LIfe says:

    Swallowing is lil bit hard topic on couple especially if you’re partner don’t agree with your ways but I think it’s just a matter of discussion both of you. Try to talk and do it gradually, by that things will change.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I agree, more communication is always a good thing.

  12. ltinsley says:

    Well, at least people on this post have spouses that at least recognize there sexual organs! Mines does not…meaning she will not touch my organ at all….she calls it “groping” and when I try to touch her, in her area, she calls me “Dr. Welby” which kills the mood. We are a christian couple and have a 5 year old. She comes up with many excuses for not having intimacy…its been over a year since we have have intimacy in our bed but have had some in a few hotels. She is healthy as well as I. I have tried candies, flowers, sensual music….She won’t just romantically touch me in my area for nothing. I have to BEG her to put on a sexy night gown or any thing sexy. I have tried to gently pull her hand towards me but she pulls is away! At least ya’ll can get your spouses to take it by the hand and handle the knob, mines will not. 🙁

    1. Jay Dee says:

      There could be a lot of factors influencing this, there just isn’t enough in your comment to really get any insight into your marriage.

      What I can say is that it took my wife many years to get comfortable with that idea. Has your wife always been like this? What’s her upbringing regarding sex? What was she taught about it growing up? Has she read Song of Solomon in the Bible? Is she open to reading books about marriage, and sex in particular? How’s the rest of the marriage?

      Let me know, and perhaps I can offer some next steps or another perspective.

      1. ltinsley says:

        I am not sure how a woman can be almost a-sexual…meaning…showing no sexual attraction for your husband or not even bringing up the subject – AT ALL. We are sexual beings but I seem to think my wife is not….yes, she has always like this – for the past 7 years we have been married. Before we got married, I told her I had a high libido and would she be able to handle that from me, she said “Yes, I can, I do to” – later did I realize that she did not know the meaning of libido and failed to question me on what I meant. The day of our wedding, after our covenant vows were made and the reception concluded, I wanted to make love to her – of course. Unfortunately she did not as she said she was tired. I should have seen this as a sign of things to come but truly believed that she was tired.
        All other things in the marriage are”OK” – communication currently could be better as far as talking about sexual needs but it is always me trying to talk about it, as such, I’ll not talk about it for a couple of months, bring it back up in the 3 month that we have not had any relations and she says” Here we go again, I know, here we go again” – NO resolution. You ask – What was her upbringing regarding sex – I try to get there but she just says that’s all I want to talk about so I don’t try to find out.
        She has not read Songs of Solomon because she is not a reader – she tells me this. She can read but I guess she does not have the patience to read the poetic flows of the passage and then be able to get meaning from it. She has not shown interest in reading books on marriage or sex in general because she is not a reader.

        I have said that maybe we should go to marriage counsel and her response is”Why, can’t we work this out ourselves?” When we were trying to have a baby, the doctor told us to make love every other day for good results.WE said OK. We get home and she says, all we need to do is one time and that’s it…I just agreed to keep peace but reiterated what the doctor said. Eventually, after months and us getting physical about once a month, missionary position only – her choice, she got pregnant but lost our baby due to fibroids on the uterane wall.

        Let’s get this clear – I am totally into my wife, love her dearly and desire her all the time, even while she sits next to me in church and stands up from time to time, how beautiful she is too me. I want her every day and it’s hard to sleep with her with her pheromones attracting me during the night…I move towards her and she pushes me away. I say, if this is not a good time, then when? She says not during the day because she is trying to do stuff and my little girl is running around. She says not in the evening after little one is sleeping because she is trying to sleep now. She says not in the morning because she is just waking up and not in the mood, THEN WHEN? Never I guess.
        For a while, I figured I would do the chores because that might help…I have done so, cooking, cleaning, taking care of little one…I do all that work and go to work and I don’t feel like not making love to my wife – I have not just done this once but on a steady basis – no change, same song and dance, nothing.
        I have considered separation over this but that would not be pleasing to GOD, so that is out of the question only to leave me a bit miserable with a relationship that is roommate in nature outside the occasional peck and hug. What is a man in love to do?

        1. Christine C. says:

          It’s entirely possible for your wife to be asexual! If you do some Googling, you can find communities of asexual people. Maybe you could print out some articles about asexuality and discuss them (lovingly!) with your wife. Explain that it’s completely normal for her to feel that way, and see what compromises you can make for the sake of your marriage.

          (I realize that this post is late, but better late than never!)

        2. Annonimus says:


          My comments are probably too little too late but my relationship was similar. I’ve been married for 20+ years and sex life has only gotten better in the last 4 years. It was all me…I mean all my fault. Let me explain.
          I was waiting for my wife to initiate. (Which happened once a year.) When I went to her, grovelling for sex, it was in a ‘please can we have sex’ desperate, pathetic kind of way. Most times she’d turn me down. The times we did have sex, it was so unpleasant, I was glad to be done. She’d move so I would have trouble penetrating, she’d complain it was too hot, her head was in the wrong place…on and on.
          With no sex in my life, porn was an outlet…its wrong…no excuses but it was how I was dealing with a near sexless marriage. We’d have sex monthly so not as bad as your situation but sometimes would stretch 3 months.
          About 4 years ago, I was trying to kick the porn habit, and she turned me down. Frustrated, I pulled her close forcefully and kissed her passionately while my hands roamed. She didn’t pull away and we scurried to the bedroom…on a Tuesday…with a 10 & 12 year old in the house.
          When I want sex now, I pursue my wife relentlessly, aggressively. My wife doesn’t like to talk about sex and avoids any discussion of it but she always responds positively to strength and force. Not abuse but a wanting that can’t wait.
          Its also changed the way I make love to her too. I used to make love like I was going to break her. Gentle, making sure her head was in the right place and her leg wasn’t getting a cramp, then I was in wrong position. Now, I take her like there’s no tomorrow. Hard and fast so she can’t catch her breath. When I’m done she doesn’t have an ounce of energy left. No complaining and we rarely ever need lube.
          I’m not sure this is helpful but it worked for me. I can also tell you our relationship is WAY better. I love her more than ever and growing. I’m not going to say we have the best sex life. We have sex once a week…and I’d like 7 times a week but that’s a huge improvement over 5 years ago.

  13. Bill Braid says:

    Is it ok not to swallow? Of course. It it ok to swallow during 6 years of dating, day in and day out, and then suddenly stop after marriage? No way. And that’s what was done to me. Tonight, 3.5 years into marriage I got her to at least try again and she gave such a disgusted grimace face after tasting it. What happened to the girl who seemed to be so into it while she was trying to trick me into marriage?

    For the record I’ve dated about 35-ish women, and all but two genuinely enjoyed giving head and swallowing. The only two who didn’t, one was raped and forced to do it and so she couldn’t do it again, totally understandable, and the other couldn’t give head at all due to a broken jaw from a bad car crash a few years earlier.

    I’m sorry but the pattern with American women seems to be to do whatever will make the man happy during courtship – and pretend to enjoy it – and then just pull a total bait and switch after marriage, when she knows she can take 50% or more of everything he owns, plus his kids, should he leave. Hell, even if SHE is the one who cheats, that’s still how it turns out.

    I’m doubly jaded about this since I like going down on her and do it all the time but post-marriage I receive oral for about every 50 times I give it, and forget about swallowing, which for me was always the best part. I’m VERY VERY VERY close to finding a girlfriend. And for oral on her, one trick a friend told me is when she’s about to orgasm, stop giving with my mouth and finish off with a finger, to let her know what it’s like to work up to a hot orgasm while receiving oral just to have the woman pull her mouth off at the last second and ruin it all.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Hi Bill, I’m not sure how to answer this, because your comment is so far outside of my own worldview. But I have a policy of not rejecting authentic comments, so here goes.

      I have a similar experience. My wife (then fiancee) was always ready to go it seemed, then, when we got married, all of a sudden her sex-drive tanked. I felt much the same way as you do, that it was a bait and switch, that my fiancee was stolen and replaced by a different person. It didn’t seem fair. I was hurt and angry and really didn’t know what to do. It took us nearly a decade to sort it out. Now, in our case, there were multiple factors at work:

      • Birth Control Pills
      • Depression
      • I left to go play on the computer right after sex, making her feel lonely
      • Sex was painful

      And others, but we didn’t figure out these things until much later.

      I would strongly advise against breaking your marriage vows. Ultimately it will only cause pain and suffering, and for what? This one act? It’s not like she’s refusing to have sex with you, and even then, I wouldn’t call it justifiable.

      I would focus on the rest of the marriage, get it to the point it needs to be, drop this frustration, hurt and anger and start living for each other.

  14. Larry B of says:

    Interesting discussion. Thanks for addressing this issue.

    Yes, couples can “shelve” this issue. However, I think a wife ought to consider allowing her husband to finish inside her mouth at the end of the fellatio. Sure, oral sex is often performed as part of the foreplay to intercourse. But for those times when it is agreed upon by both spouses to go all the way, it does make a big difference to the husband whether his wife accepts his ejaculation or removes his penis from her mouth at the last second. The swallowing is extra and not really necessary. Some wives cannot overcome their mental block to even allow their husband to finish inside their mouth. For these wives, I would suggest let him finish from time to time inside your mouth. You do not have to do it every time. And, you can discretely spit it out later if you do not want to swallow his semen.

    The troubling thing is the refusal to even try in this area by some wives.

  15. Chris Tian says:

    Again, this is something that comes under the banner of “if thy heart doth not offend thee, thou hath not sinned.” You could argue that semen wasn’t made for swallowing but looking at the chemical crap many people chunder down in the name of food every day I think it’s a futile argument.

    My personal opinion on the matter is about one of respect, I don’t think a man who respects me would cum in my mouth or on my face, strange as it may seem though, the second act I asked my husband to do to me within our marriage was cum onto me, it just represented his “ownership.” There was an old hip-hop song called “written on your kitten” which had a similar theme. It’s not something we practice but him doing this to me was our way of “sealing the deal” like I was marked by him for life -back to the matter in hand though, this is a no no for me but I do like fellatio, I don’t like cunnilingus…and I’m a woman! lol!

    My husband and I enjoy the things we do together, underwear is a big thing in our marriage. I am very big and feel self-concious wearing it, namely because my husband tends to operate a “no need no speak” policy and so doesn’t see the need for praise or sex talk and this is very hard for us because we are apart and live in separate countries.

  16. El Fury says:

    Thanks for writing this post. On my and my wife’s blog I wrote a little bit more about how refusing to swallow can make a husband feel… it’s like insisting that he wear a condom during intercourse. I get your “let’s table this for later” approach, but as I wrote, I’d go a farther and say that a wife should cultivate a desire to swallow.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I think that depends on the husband. According to our survey on the topic, 71% of husbands said they don’t care if their wife swallows. So, given that stat, for 71% of them, cultivating that desire would be in pursuit of something the husband doesn’t necessarily want, and thus a waste of time.


      1. Spairitwalker142 says:

        My wife and I didn’t meet until we were in our 30’s. Both of us have a previous marriage and both us went for many years before truly accepting the Lord as our savior. So needless to say both of us have had a bit of a colorful past. Both of us accept that in each other and know that we have been forgiven, we even sometimes discuss our past with each other. And, yes, believe it or not it has brought us closer, that much sharing may not work for everyone though. The first time I performed oral sex on a woman was because I had heard a lot about it and had always wanted to try it. I’ve never looked back, loved to do it from the first time and still do. I really enjoy the way my wife tastes and making my wife orgasm this way makes her taste better to me.
        As for my wife, her first time she said she really didn’t know what to do so she swallowed and has told me about it was around 50-50 spit-swallow. She does with me, she says, because of how much I enjoy it and that she like the flavour. Sometimes she goes to the sink a spits it out though and that doesn’t bother me in the least. She also has said that alcohol does affect flavour in a negative way and that mine has improved with a better diet (I don’t drink). The biggest difference she has told me is the emotional factor. And I would have to agree, I’ve always like to perform oral sex but with her I love it. We do tend to use oral sex as foreplay and sometimes that’s all we do is oral sessions.

  17. Heitor says:

    I think if a man wants her wife to swallow he have to swallow it first! He have to show her wife he shares everything with her. In my case I used to cum swap with DW in the beginning and was a real turn on to us. I don’t know why she wants it anymore, just oral play now.

  18. Anonymous says:

    The topic of oral sex is amazing. There was a time when the thought of having such sexual freedom in our mairage brought guilt. It’s not the same for ever couple so it’s risky to suggest and write about theses things because some marriages take a lot of work but it’s worth it. It was for us. We are married now for 30 years. I am 52 my husband is 55. When we were first married we were virgins that’s good. But to be honest we were both very selfish!!! Very selfish and God disciplined us. I though of myself as the godly women and my husband had to learn from my good example? NOT My husband grow up in a church going family that was very difunctional I grow up thinking Godly meant to be under laws made by my self. As apposed to obedience based on the bible. What I fialed to see was my husbands love language was sexual and I treated him as dirty sinful because he loved sex. I could write so much more but this but it’s not what it’s about today. Today after 30 years all is forgiven and we are free to enjoy each other

  19. Gary says:

    If your spouse doesnt want to do something you desire or comes up with excuses, then go get it somewhere else.

    The whole “putting it on a shelve for a few years” is a stupid idea. In a few years one of you may be dead. Live life and things now, not tomorrow. For all you know you may not have tomorrow. So quit putting up with excuses and quit putting your desires and wants on the backburner. Take charge of your life and find what you want.

    There are plenty of other people out there that will do what you desire. If your spouse doesnt want to do something, their loss, find something else who will. And if they get upset, too bad. Then they should have put more effort into it. Trust me, you’ll see how fast they’d do that thing you want if they were with the movie star of their dreams or billionaire hotshot of their dreams. They wouldnt be saying no or making excuses with them.

    So quit putting up with it.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Go somewhere else? Are you nuts? Lose everything have in her as a partner in life, both sexually and non-sexually, and screw up my kids and potentially every generation to come, for the sake of a blowjob?! I think you missed the point of marriage. The act of swallowing is so insignificantly minute in terms of value compared to my marriage that it’s not even a consideration.

      And no, I don’t trust you at all in terms of what she’d do for the hotshot of her dreams. I think you’re way off base.

    2. Hans says:

      This is the most selfish comment that I have ever read. I can’t understand why someone would ever think that way, throwing away everything for a few minutes. This is the attitude that you’d expect to see from a porn addict and the reason that do many women get messed up and insecure about themselves and sex. My wife has never given me a blow job and even though I want one every now and then so badly I can’t imagine having to put that as a reason on the divorce papers or explaining to my sons why their dad walked out on them.

      That comment made me sick.

  20. Happily Married Wife says:

    I know this is an old post, but just recently found this site and came across this post.

    My husband and I have shelved things I and he were not comfortable with…

    1. Anal… I am becoming more comfortable, and I have brought the subject back up, we have both just begun to explore the pleasures!!!

    2. Me being in a dominate role, I would MAYBE do it once a year, if that because I wasn’t comfortable with the idea… I realized why I was uncomfortable and decided to give him what he desired… We talked about it for two weeks (he is a truck driver and not home during the week) when he came home after two weeks of talking about it, he was excited…and a little scared. Because I was ready, it was much more pleasurable for both of us.

    3. He doesn’t like performing oral… It’s something I would LOVE, I do it for him almost every time we are together, but he’s not comfortable with it. We shelved it for YEARS (married for 25 years). The subject has been talked about recently again (probably because I have given him some of his desires) and we are going to give it another shot. I also agree, if he’s not comfortable, I will not enjoy it…

    Shelving goes both ways, and even after years and years of marriage, you can experience new things.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yes, sometimes it’s wise to shelve some things for a while, I agree. I’m glad you’re re-examining them though. People change after all. We’ve re-examined many things in our (relatively short) marriage.

  21. Anonymous says:

    I am sorry, but I think that you have totally misinterpreted that line from the Song of Songs. Really?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      It’s plausible. I’ve yet to see anyone with proof to the contrary.

  22. ivanmarecic says:

    How do you go pass the semen ejaculation uncleanness law in OT.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      By recognizing that this was about ritual cleanliness, associated with the sacrificial system of the temple. I also don’t make my wife sleep in a separate tent in the backyard during her period 🙂 Nor do we skip church if we had sex in the morning. Those made you ritually unclean as well.

      1. ivanmarecic says:

        Thank you for reply.

  23. Mike says:

    I cannot ejaculate to oral sex. I never thought about my subconscious not allowing me to do that. I must have something in my background, my early childhood instruction from my mother, or something that messes with my mind. I want to do this, and my wife seems OK with it. I have never done it, so I do not know the ultimate discussion as yet about it.

    I would not mind if my wife did not take semen into her mouth and swallow. It roles were reversed, it would take me a long time, if ever, to swallow.

  24. asm says:

    A common point of contention between couples seems to be that men enjoy cumming in their wife’s mouth (whether she swallows or not), while many women just can’t handle the taste and/or consistency. How many men in this situation have actually tasted their own cum? It seems to me that before a man asks his wife for this treat he should first try cumming on/in her then licking her clean. I wonder if some would stop insisting if they didn’t find it to their liking.

  25. asm says:

    The question I ask myself is this: Why am I obsessed with cum? Why, in a loving, egalitarian, Christian marriage do I relish knowing that my spouse is feeling my pulsating manhood filling her with my hot liquids? When the carnal desires for my wife well up inside of me and need to be unleashed, why do I derive so much pleasure by telling her that I need to squirt my juices all over her body? Why do I crave the times she begs me to cum on her breasts, then willingly obey her demands, and feel such an intense sense of satisfaction upon hearing her gasp in delight as she watches me squirt my love onto her chest? Why is cumming in her mouth as she pleasures me with her lips and tongue such an emotionally and profoundly bonding experience? I need to emphasize that it isn’t merely the orgasm that is the cause of these emotional reactions, but the fact that my wife is touching, feeling, tasting, and seeing my cum. I am obsessed with having her enjoy my cum, not just my pleasure.

    The most reasonable answer to this question is that my cum is a gift. It emanates from the deepest recesses of my body just like my love for my spouse springs from the core of my most inner self. When she acknowledges my gift, relishes the sight of it issuing forth from my body, and lovingly accepts it into her own, it is an intimate token of her total and complete acceptance of me as her companion, husband, and lover. At the same time, my gift of cum is her creation. It is the physical manifestation of the emotional and spiritual connection that I feel for her because she has given me the gift of her body, her very soul, her most intimate self in bringing me to ecstasy. In life, I exchange gifts with many people, but my cum is a sacred gift. Along with my desires, my devotion, and my fidelity, it is a gift that only she receives. It is the product of the union of my body with hers and no other. Therefore, I am obsessed with cum because I am obsessed with the intimate bonds of love that tie me to my wife and her alone.

  26. gjc240george says:

    No way she will let me cum in her mouth and I’m ok with this. I give her oral because she likes it second to actual sex and cums 3 or more times both ways same night. I love to give her oral before regular sex.

  27. Mitch says:

    My wife was very sexually active before marriage with most of her boyfriends. She is my one and only. Now that she is a “Good Christian Wife”, she not only refuses to swallow but also refuses oral sex entirely. While I would love to be sensitive to her feelings, I am really jealous of her boyfriends since it turns out they basically got the best sex she had to offer while her husband (me) got the crumbs that fell off the table. Combine with the fact that she was extremely angry when I just mentioned the topic and it ended up being a real disaster. Now I am humiliated for even asking and feel really cheated. I played by the rules and she didn’t. But in the end, I’m the one who got played.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      You didn’t “get played”, you married a flawed human and so did you wife. The problem with sin is that it hurts far more than just us. In your case, your wife’s past sin is hurting you. But, you can’t go back and change it. And I get that you didn’t go in eyes open. But, all that’s left to do is forgive and move forward.

      Keep pushing for an intimate marriage. I won’t say it’s guaranteed eventually, but if you give up, it’s almost guaranteed never to happen. And wallowing in the past is a form of giving up. It’s giving that past sin even more power to destroy. Don’t give Satan a leg up.

  28. Ang says:

    I know this is a late entry I was married for 18 years and I wish I would have before he passed away. As a widow, I look back and now see it as a gesture of love. We became one. His body was mine and My body was his. I think it is a bond. It would show how much I am willing to please him and bond as my spouse. If I marry again, I think it would show how deeply we are as 1.

  29. E says:

    I enjoy giving oral but have never had his cum in my mouth. Neither of us is that interested and I think he’d really feel uncomfortable. But we’ve found a great week around!! I’ll go down on him until he is getting close then he’ll warn me and I’ll slip a flavored condom on before I finish him off. I like the experience of feeling his body as it climaxes without the gag factor.

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