I miss porn

Jay Dee

I miss porn

Jun 09, 2016

Some days I miss porn.  Isn’t that sick?  It’s true though.  And I think a lot of people who have quit porn miss it from time to time. Same goes for masturbating.  And often the two are tied together, but they aren’t always.  There are

I miss pornSome days I miss porn.  Isn’t that sick?  It’s true though.  And I think a lot of people who have quit porn miss it from time to time.

Same goes for masturbating.  And often the two are tied together, but they aren’t always.  There are many Christians who will claim that masturbating without porn, or without lusting after someone else, is no problem.  But, I strongly disagree.  So, in this post, I’ll be addressing porn and masturbation (together or separately) whether one is involved, or both.

I’ve yet to see anyone write a post about missing porn/masturbation.  It’s not socially acceptable.  It’s becoming socially acceptable in Christianity to admit that we’ve struggled with porn/masturbation, or even that we’re struggling with porn/masturbation … but only in the sense that it’s a habit.  Generally we’re not ready to deal with it as a desire yet.

This week, I was really wanting sex, and it just was an impossibility at the time, and suddenly the thought popped into my head “I miss porn”, and I did sort of a mental double-take “What?!  Where did that come from?  I don’t want that!”

But, I like to examine my desires, to figure out what it is I want.  Why would I miss something that I know would damage my marriage, damage my relationship with God and damage myself?  There must be something else going on here.  I think part of a it is a combination of Satan trying to drag me back into sinful behaviour, and part of it is probably neuropathways that I created while watching porn trying to stay alive as I starve them out (it can take years), but I think there may be more to it.

And I’ll admit, writing this post is a bit scary.  My wife is going to read this post (I had her read it before I hit publish actually), and that might bring up some things that would be easier to let alone.  But, I’m going to trust that she’d rather know me that have me bury it.

So, why do I miss porn/masturbation?

Porn/masturbating is sex without responsibility

It’s all about me.  I get to be selfish.  I get what I want.  I don’t have to worry about anyone else.  It’s pure, unadulterated (except in the way that it’s adultery) sexual gratification.  I don’t have to care about my wife.  I don’t have to be concerned about how she’s feeling, or serving her.  I get to focus on me.

The problem is that it teaches me to be selfish.  It teaches me to focus on me.  It teaches me to not care about my wife, and by extension, other people.  It trains me not to love.  Plus, you know what?  I like caring for my wife.  I like worrying about her satisfaction.  I like working together to achieve an orgasm for her.  Even when it’s difficult, when we manage it, it’s like we built something together.

And, those rare times when we have sex, and she just wants to bless me, to make it all about me, it’s all the better.  Accepting a gift like that means a lot more coming from my spouse that it does coming from my self.

Porn/masturbating is sex on demand

I never had to wait for porn/masturbating.  I didn’t have to worry that it wasn’t in the mood.  I didn’t have to be concerned that it might be too exhausted that night.  It was always there, ready and willing.  It’s like owning a sex-slave…without the responsibility of feeding or caring for one.

For years, I really never dealt with unfulfilled sexual need.  I could orgasm whenever I wanted.  I never needed to deal with that “pent up” feeling.  Now, some days, honestly, I feel such a physical need for sex, if it’s been a while, that I feel physically ill.  Like the worst cramps I’ve ever had, except lower.  I never had to deal with that before.  I would just sneak off and relieve the pressure.

But, it made me impatient.  It made me angry when my wife wasn’t in the mood, or even when things just didn’t work out and we weren’t able to have sex that night.  When our kids got sick and we had to take care of them instead of have sex, I felt cheated.  I felt like my right to sex was being interrupted.

These days, I get disappointed, but I don’t get angry.  And I think that’s a healthy response.  I’m sad that I can’t reconnect with my wife in that way on a given night.  But, I’m not angry.  I can wait.  It’s not the end of the world.  Patience is a virtue, and I’m learning to have it with regards to sex.

Porn/masturbating doesn’t require vulnerability

With porn or masturbating, you don’t have a partner to be vulnerable with, and so there’s a lot less worry involved.  You never worry that you will be turned down for sex.  You never worry that they will think you’re weird for having a sexual request.  You never worry that they won’t want to do a particular activity.  You don’t worry about what they will think of you.  There’s no vulnerability because there’s no intimacy.  It’s “just sex”.

It also makes it harder to be vulnerable when you are having “real sex” with your spouse though.  You’re used to not needing to open up.  You’re used to being protected.  So, it makes you afraid to initiate, because you’re not used to hearing “no” (not that I think spouses should ever say that), or “not tonight”, or even “later”.  You’re not used to hearing “I’m not interested in doing that” or “Could we do something else tonight?” or “I’m not in the mood for that particular activity”.  We are so unused to it, that we are hurt when our spouse merely expresses their preference during sex, because we aren’t used to having any feedback or vulnerability.  We’re used to green lights, and so red lights or even amber lights hurt.  We get angry or upset (even if we don’t show it).

But vulnerability is good.  Yes, it introduces risk, but that risk is required payment for intimacy.  Intimacy is really what marriage is all about.  About having one person who really knows us.  To the core.  Someone we can share everything with.  Not only shared goals and dreams, or shared parenting, or shared ministry, or shared assets.  But, shared life.  Shared emotions.  Shared fears.  Shared sexuality.  Two become one, because we share everything.  We’re so open with each other that there are no boundaries.  That is what we ultimately desire.  Those are the relationships we want.  We were built for intimacy.  It’s worth the risk.

Why do I miss porn/masturbating?

Because I’m selfish.  Because sometimes all I think about is me.  Because some days I don’t want to grow.  I don’t want to be stretched.  I want it to be easy.  I want it to be about me.  God help me.

And He is, and so is my wife, when she’s available.  I may miss porn/masturbating occasionally, but with their help, I’m staying away from it.  I refuse to let this control me any more.  I refuse to let it hold back my relationship with my wife, or my relationship with God.

Now, some may ask “but what if my spouse isn’t helping?”  Then you need to let God help more.  There are times when my wife doesn’t help.  Most notably are when she’s not home.  If she’s out of the house, she can’t help me.  But God can.  He’s always there, ready to talk, ready to help.  Ultimately your spouse might be able to lend some additional help, but the real help comes from God.  I don’t mean to downplay the impact a spouse can have in breaking free.  If you’re spouse is struggling with porn or masturbation, you can literally be the deciding factor in whether or not they kick it for good.  Or you may not be.  The truth is, that God is enough, if the spouse that is struggling with rely on God enough.  I’ll be honest, I didn’t.  I needed my wife’s help because I didn’t lean on God enough, and I thank God regularly that I have a wife that was willing to help me through it.  But, if you don’t have a spouse like that, know that God can be enough.  It’s up to you to accept Him as that help.

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