How does porn use harm a marriage?

Jay Dee

How does porn use harm a marriage?

Aug 17, 2013

In 2012, I wrote a post called What Is Christian Porn? because it was a phrase I was seeing pop up here and there and I thought it was a ridiculous oxymoron.  Since then, people looking for “Christian Porn” accounts for 2% of my total traffic!

Porn Use Harms MarriageIn 2012, I wrote a post called What Is Christian Porn? because it was a phrase I was seeing pop up here and there and I thought it was a ridiculous oxymoron.  Since then, people looking for “Christian Porn” accounts for 2% of my total traffic!  I was floored when I started seeing just how many people are looking for this.  How did this become acceptable?  Lately I’ve found out there is a Christian Porn movement!  Yep, there is an actual group of Christians trying to reclaim porn (like we ever had it).  This is astounding to me.  How could this happen?

The only conclusion I’ve could come up with is that we are telling people porn is bad, porn is wrong but failing to discuss it in an intelligent manner.  We don’t bother explaining why it’s wrong, why it’s bad for you, how it can harm your marriage (future or present).  Because of this, we have a lot of people saying “well, I’m not hurting anyone”, and off they go, looking for porn.  So, how can porn be harmful?

Porn use increases the chance of extramarital sex

There was a study done in March of 2012 called Internet pornography exposure and risky sexual behavior among adult males in the United States, in it they found that users of internet pornography are more likely to:

  • Have sex with multiple partners
  • Pay or be paid to have sex
  • Have extramarital affairs

I found reference to a follow up study (but couldn’t find it) that showed the link as one way (casual sex did not predict porn use), showing porn use is a predictor of these behaviors.

The prevalent theory is that our brain learns scripts from porn.  In porn there is a lot of casual sex, disregard for societal rules, and there is an expression of pleasurable activity.  Our brain responds by thinking “to get that kind of pleasure, I need to follow those behaviors”.

Of course, everyone says “oh, that won’t affect me”, but, not everyone is right.

Porn use changes your sexual preferences

One study shows that college men who watch porn once a week have a greater desire for:

  • Dirty talk
  • Being dominated
  • Using sex toys
  • Partners who shaved their pubic areas

They also participated in threesomes more often.

Now, except for the threesomes point, the rest aren’t really an issue, I don’t think.  The real issue is that porn rewrites your brain.  It will follow the behaviors seen in porn and want to replicate them.

Porn use binding to someone other than your partner

When you orgasm, there is a release of oxytocin.  This hormone has an effect that emotionally bonds you to your partner.  But, when you are viewing porn, your partner is the computer or the actress on the screen.  The point is, your brain is being wired to be turned on and connected to someone who isn’t your spouse, and that’s dangerous.  Ideally, you want your brain to be turned on by your spouse and only your spouse.

Porn use is cheating

There is a study in the 2011 Archives of Sexual Behavior that states that 36% of women feel that porn use is equivalent to cheating.  Well, whether you agree or not, the perception of your spouse matters more to what the fallout in your relationship is going to be like.  Imagine all the detrimental effects of having an affair, without actually having an affair.  Thank you porn.

Porn use causes self-esteem issues for the spouse

In that same study, 40% of women (only 10% of men) said they would view porn use as a sign of sexual dissatisfaction.  Of course, the immediate thought is that there is something wrong with the spouse if they are dissatisfied.  Because of today’s societal views, the immediate reaction is that wives feel their husband is not happy with the wife’s body.  Typically, this is not the case, but the thought is still there, damaging the relationship.

Porn use raises the bar for sexual excitement

In porn, there is so much going on, it’s exciting, and there’s gymnast quality sex going on, with actor quality sounds, and perfect lighting and sheets and the setup is literally written by a talented writer.  When you get used to this being the setup for sex, real life may not be enough to provoke the internal response needed.  Users of porn often find their testosterone levels drop in response to regular sex, because that fantasy of excitement can’t be matched in real life, it’s not intended to be.  Lower testosterone means more erectile problems and orgasm issues.

Porn use alters your expectations

Porn actors are willing to do anything and everything to get their partner to orgasm.  They’re paid to!  If you are watching porn on a regular basis, it can change your expectations of your partner.  You start thinking that not only should they enjoy anal sex, but they should  be begging for it.  Not only should they orgasm from sex every time, they should be abandoning the dishes and having sex in the kitchen just because you walked in the door.  They should immediately forget all the responsibilities of life and cater to your sexual desires regardless of time, circumstance or setting, because in porn, people have sex at the drop of a hat, in buses and trains, in schools, offices, kitchens, backyards, churches, whatever.

Also, in porn, every move the actor makes turns their partner on and progresses their partner towards orgasm.  In real life, this doesn’t happen every time.  One day X will work, the next day it will feel wrong, and Y will work, the next day X and Y are dead turn offs and Z works, and the next day, sorry, but XYZ are off the table and nothing is working.  Oh, and then you have a baby and XYZ drive you up the wall and you need to find a new set of letters for your sexual repertoire.

Porn use changes your focus

Sex is, and should be, foremost, about pleasing your partner.  But, watching porn is all about pleasing yourself.  It is feeding and rewarding a selfish activity.

Porn use can replace intimacy

In some cases, porn begins to replace intimacy.  As the porn gets easier to consume, the real relationships in your life (with your spouse, your kids), become harder by comparison.  Soon you begin avoiding real relationships and replacing them with porn to fulfill that need for acceptance, thereby distancing yourself, damaging your relationship and further attaching to porn, continuing the cycle.  Sex researchers know that porn is more about looking for intimacy than about looking for sex.

A 2011 British study came to the conclusion that porn users may need intimacy more than non-porn users.  This may mean that porn is linked to a need to form a connection with someone, and failing to do so.

Porn contains inaccurate data

This is a great video I found on YouTube.  There is nothing explicit in it, but I’m not sure you could say it’s suitable for work or children.  Oh, and if you like Nutella….look away when you see it…don’t say I didn’t warn you….

Your Turn

Did I miss anything?  Let me know in the comments below!

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