I received this anonymous question from our Have A Question page back in a couple of months ago.
I’m married for 29 years. I love being with my husband sexually but why do I always have to remind him slow and soft during foreplay. You think he might of caught on by now.
Truth is, that we tend to do what we like to have done to us. Men tend to be a bit too rough and fast. Women tend to be a bit too light and slow. Fact is, most men like a rougher touch, and most women like a softer touch. It’s just human nature to assume others are like us. It can be hard to override those thoughts.
This happens in terms of love languages too. We tend to show love in the way we want to be shown love. And it’s not that he’s not listening, or that he’s not paying attention, but obviously it’s not impacting him enough to override his defaults.
So, next time, try this: when he’s being too rough, or fast, stop him. Like a dead stop. Like make him pause what you’re doing and separate. Then explain it to him.
Honey, I know you’re doing that because you want me to feel good, but that’s not what feels good to me. I need you to be slow and gentle. I know you like rough and fast, but I need something else. I can show you what I mean if you like.
No one wants to be interrupted during sex, and he might get a little annoyed, but I bet it will have more of an impact. You might have to do it a few times, but eventually I think he’ll get it. I’d love to know if it works.
Plus, anyone else who has experience with this, please share what worked for you in the comments below.Have a Question? Ask it here!
5 thoughts on “We tend to do what we like”
It is so hard to know how something is feeling to the other person. I think that even after 20+ years of marriage, you need to remind what you like. Every single sexual encounter is going to feel different. Even during your time of sex, you might want something rougher or lighter, both the man and the woman. Talking throughout your time of sex is really important.
I really believe that after awhile of being married a husband and a wife SHOULD REMCEMBER CERTAIN KEY POINTS OF LIKES AND DISLIKES. Danny only had to tell me once that he doesn’t like to be touched certain places. He has a whole list of things NOT TO DO. I REMEMBER THE ALL THE TIME.
He should be able to remember a couple of things I Don’t like.
Perhaps. But, if we all had the same strengths and weaknesses, then life would be pretty dull 🙂
I think there is more to it than just doing what you would like done to you. For me many times there as an actual urge to go hard that has to be actively kept in check, at least for a while. I think its partly about being a bit ahead of her in terms of arousal. It isn’t too uncommon for my wife to need me to go slow and gentle at first, but once she is caught up to the same level of arousal as I’m at something changes in her and a touch that would have been unpleasant for her before becomes what she really really wants. It’s different every time of course, so her feedback in the moment is essential to me to be able to give her the best I can give.