What can you do with a sexually unadventurous spouse?

Jay Dee

What can you do with a sexually unadventurous spouse?

Jan 21, 2016

Here’s another question I received from our Have A Question page: My wife isn’t very adventurous. What can I do to respect her wishes to be less adventurous? What can I do to help her become more adventurous? It’s really two questions, isn’t it, but

Anonymous QuestionHere’s another question I received from our Have A Question page:

My wife isn’t very adventurous. What can I do to respect her wishes to be less adventurous? What can I do to help her become more adventurous?

It’s really two questions, isn’t it, but I think the underlying question is: what do you do with a sexually unadventurous spouse?

Go slow

Don’t start off with something crazy like clitoral slapping, instead, start with something simple.  For men, put a pillow under your wife’s hips, or raise up a bit to include more clitoral stimulation.  Work on small changes that might improve her pleasure.  Perhaps she’ll see that trying new things is good.  For women, you can try something like honor bondage, where you act as if you are tied.  Your husband doesn’t have to do anything, but he might realize that it adds an interesting twist to your sex life and might be willing to try something else.

In short, try things where you are doing the work, taking the risk, or the one in the vulnerable position.  It’s less scary for them and requires them to step out of their comfort zone less.

Be Encouraging

If your spouse does anything even remotely in the direction of what you want, praise and encourage them.  Wives, if you can manage to orgasm on cue (without faking it), that would be quite an encouragement for most husbands.  Husbands, you’re going to have to use your words and tell her how much you appreciated her willingness to try something new, tell her how sexy you think she is, compliment her in some way.

If it’s not perfect, don’t correct them, pout of sulk, especially if it’s the first time you’re trying something.  If you do, you will ensure it never happens again, and you will have no one to blame but yourself.

Have Open Communication

Lastly, but probably most effective might be to try and communicate about it.  Share what sex means to you, share why you want to try new things, share what things you want to try and what it means to you when your spouse isn’t interested.  To often, especially for men, we don’t even know ourselves why we feel something.  So, it make take you some time of reflection to be able to put what you’re feeling into words.

Be patient

Lastly, you might need to be patient.  Some spouses come out of their sexual shell very slowly.  Over years, or decades.  Some never do, and you also have to learn to be content with that.  After all, you aren’t promised specific sexual acts when you marry, just that you’ll have sex.  What I can guarantee is that if you push too hard, the walls are likely to get even stronger.


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12 thoughts on “What can you do with a sexually unadventurous spouse?”

  1. El Fury says:

    Another thing I think is important is to talk about what you want to do beforehand, don’t just spring it on your spouse while you’re in the middle of making love. That can really kill the momentum.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Good point…unless your spouse likes those kind of surprises…some do.

      1. Josh says:

        (although, I’d guess that most spouses that are not very adventurous to begin with, are also not the ones who like to be surprised with something new in bed).

        1. Austin says:

          this one speaks truth!

  2. crystal says:

    My husband is the less adventurous one in our marriage. He is starting to come around it has been a little over a decade. I’ve been waiting for this positive change. I give him massages, I make the in the moment all about him and his comfort. It has been difficult trying to talk about this but reading the sexwithinmarriage blog has helped us with communicating, making changes, and updating our outdated thinking.

  3. Chris says:

    You could do what i’ve done. Pray for God to take away your sex drive.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I hear that from a lot of frustrated spouses, and I think it’s in error. I’ll try to write a post this week explaining why.

  4. Will says:

    If God has answered the prayer of taking away one’s sex-drive, I would be amazed.
    Married forty years, that is a prayer I have prayed many many times. I’ve prayed that my wife would have a stronger sex-drive herself. Not answered (or at least not answered affirmatively). I’ve prayed that I would be a better lover so that she would want sex. Not answered. I’ve prayed that I would be a better person/husband so that she would love me more and want to express that sexually. Not answered. And, as a previous poster recommends, I have prayed that my own sex-drive would simply be taken away. Not answered.
    I believe that God CAN do anything, but this is evidently something He doesn’t care to do.

    I’m sorry and embarrassed to say that I have had to spend a lot of time and spiritual energy combating sexual desire, but that’s just life for me.

    I’ve even tried various herbs that were supposed to decrease libido. None works thus far. If anyone knows of one that does work, please let me know.

    I look forward to reading Jay’s post on the subject.

    1. Anonymous says:

      Ditto! You are not alone. Been there. Done that. Have the Tshirt. Still waiting… Was counseled by both Pastor and friends, this is Gods will for your life, stop fighting it and submit. The amount of fear in the Christian community regarding sexual issues is astounding.

      1. Jay Dee says:

        Your pastor say God’s will for your life is to have a strained marriage?! I don’t recognize that god in the Bible.

        The Bible tells us that God is grieved by our sins, He doesn’t plan for them. However, the Bible does say that if you let him, He will take your broken life (due to sin, yours and other’s), and use it for good. I can attest to that. We used to have a sexless marriage. I do not believe that was God’s plan at all. We made our choices and had to suffer the consequences of our actions. However, He is taking our experiences from those bad choices and allowing us to do a good work with them. Not just in-spite of them, but leveraging them to help others.

        And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. – Romans 5:3-5

        That’s sometimes hard to take, especially when you’re in the middle of a tribulation, a struggle or trial, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

    2. Anonymous says:

      Right there with tou

  5. HB says:

    So glad to see the last response from Jay. Praying for an answer and God’s wisdom for these couples!

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