conflict Archives - Uncovering Intimacy

The Mirror Game – A Simple 4-Step Communication Skill That Can Transform Your Marriage

You know the cycle. Something happens, a tone of voice, a forgotten commitment, a moment that stings, and suddenly you’re both defending your corners instead of actually connecting. You talk at each other. You wait for your turn to explain yourself – maybe you don’t do very well at waiting. Maybe you interrupt and talk over each other a lot. As a result, after the “conversation” ends, you both feel more alone than before.

What if there was a simple framework that could break that cycle? Not a magic fix, but a real, learnable skill that draws you toward each other instead of apart?

It’s called the Mirror Game. It’s easy to explain and simple to implement – the hard part is remembering to do it.

Are you actually upset about what happened, or just hungry, angry, lonely or tired?

Often the fights we have as couples aren’t about what we think they are. Because while we think we’re fighting about respect, sex, tone, in-laws, money, kids or anything else under the sun, often the real issue is far less dramatic.

Sometimes it’s just physiology. Before a disagreement turns into an argument (or whenever you “wake up” enough to think “how did this become a fight?!”), there’s a simple checklist worth running first:

HALT.

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

SWM 146 – Legalistic vs Loving Approach to Marriage – Shifting from Rules to Relationship

In my work as a marriage coach, I often see couples transition from one type of marriage to another. There’s no clear line between these states, no set of rules that definitively places someone in one category or the other. Yet, by observing how they handle conflict, express themselves, and interact in small ways, you can often tell which state their marriage is in.

A big part of my job as a coach is helping people shift from one type of marriage to another as most issues in marriage are resolved by doing so.

SWM 131 – Tips to fight more effectively

Last week, I shared a list of ideas our Couple’s Night group had that helped build a resilient marriage. At the end of the call, we still had some time and started discussing fighting more effectively. Again, the group came up with some excellent ideas I want to share today.

Because fights will happen, I might even say they should happen. When I come across a couple that doesn’t fight in any way – that’s a red flag. It means one or both don’t feel safe in the marriage. They aren’t able to express their views and opinions.

Because if you put two people together for long enough, they will eventually find something to disagree about.

Ideally, a fight won’t involve yelling, screaming, hitting, throwing, or anything else like that, but it’s okay to quarrel.

So, today, we will discuss how to fight more effectively in your marriage so that your arguments can be a source of growth instead of damage.

SWM 121 – Why marriage should be hard work

I made a post on social media some time ago saying, “Marriage is hard, divorce is hard, choose your hard,” and someone asked me if I then disagreed with some other bloggers and podcasters who say that marriage is and should be easy. This post expands on what I wrote in response to that question.

SWM 043 – Anonymous Questions from April 2019

Answering the anonymous questions from April 2019 from our Have A Question page.

Topics Include:

Wife looking up ex
Wife used to be a swinger
Is bondage okay?
Our sex life is boring
Wife destroying self-esteem
Is it okay to buy my wife lingerie for my birthday?
Wife teasing husband sexually
Why does my husband want to lick my ass?!
and more…

SWM034 – Limited Time offer – Intimacy Advent Calendar

You remember having advent calendars as a kid? Every day you get a chocolate, or a toy or something. For nearly a whole month, every day there was something exciting to look forward to the next day.

Holidays don’t exactly feel that way for us adults anymore do they? Well, I wanted to try and recapture that feeling.

How to use conflict to create intimacy

Does a disagreement always mean an argument? Does resolving it always mean compromise or someone changing their opinion? I’ve had this question come up a few times this week from multiple sources. Many people believe that a difference in opinion must result in an argument,

How to stop feeling hurt so often

My spouse is in a unique position to hurt me more deeply and more often than anyone else, simply by being in an intimate (not just physically) relationship with me. She knows how to push my buttons better and harder than anyone else, and I

Anonymous Questions – May 3, 2018

In the last couple of weeks, we’ve received a few anonymous questions, and as I mentioned on our weekly update to the newsletter (subscribe here if you haven’t already), I’ll be answering them here for those who want to read and comment below. If you’d

Should spouses avoid speaking about divorce?

There are differing views within Christianity regarding divorce. Some don’t really see a problem with it at all, that if you are unhappy, you should leave. Others believe the very word should be stricken from our vocabulary. They believe that divorce shouldn’t only not be