SWM 152 – AQ – Unsexy nightclothes, husbands who won’t initiate, scent and partner selection and more

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It’s been a busy summer around here, but let’s catch up on some anonymous questions.  For those who are new, these questions come from our anonymous Have A Question page.  I don’t know who they are, nor do I have contact information from them to follow up or ask more questions.  Whatever is submitted is all the context we have.  I post these in our supporter’s forum when they come in, and then every once in a while, we round them up and make a blog post and a podcast episode of them.

So, if you have a question of your own that you can’t find an answer to or are afraid to ask anywhere else, you can ask it there, or join our supporter’s forum where you can ask anything you want, also anonymously, but there you get to interact with the community and myself, provide more context and hopefully get more help.  Most people donate between $5 and $10 per month, though if money is tight, even $1/month will get you in.  It’s really just a way to keep out the trolls.

Before we get into the questions though, I want to let you know about a survey we’re running on manual sex – solo, mutual, shared and more.  We’re looking for 1,000 responses, and, well, summer has been slow.  We’re halfway there, but we need some more help.  So, if you could take a couple of minutes and donate your data anonymously, we’d appreciate it.  You can fill out the survey here.

And lastly, I’m going to be running a webinar for wives called Becoming More Sexually Engaged on September 14, 2025 at 8pm Eastern Time where I’m going to be going through the first module of the course by the same name that will be starting our 11th cohort in the following week.  If you want to see what the course is about, or just want some free information – because I will teach you everything taught in the first module of the course – come on out.  We always have a lot of fun.  People laugh, people cry, marriages are improved.  It’s always an awesome experience, and afterwards I field whatever questions people have – about the course or marriage and sex in general.

And now, on to the questions.

Question 1 – My wife’s nightclothes are killing my attraction

I’ve got an issue where I may or may not be the crazy one. I love my wife, and I find her sexy and beautiful, however, she has the most unflattering, unsexy, unattractive night shirt/dress thing. It looks horrible, and honestly sucks out all of my attraction to her. She tends to put it on as soon as our kids go to bed, and that pretty much means she’s checked out for the evening. I hate it and wish she’d get rid of it and find something else to be comfortable in. First, am I in the wrong for having an issue with this? And how would you recommend I talk with her about it?

You’re not “crazy” for feeling the way you do. Attraction in marriage is a real thing, and what your spouse wears can definitely affect that, positively or negatively. You’re also allowed to have preferences, and you’re not wrong for wanting your wife to look appealing to you. At the same time, she’s not wrong for her feelings – wanting to be comfortable and cozy after a long day.

But the issue likely isn’t the clothes themselves – it’s what they represent. When she puts it on, you’re interpreting this as, “I’m done for the day and disconnecting” right when you want to start connecting with her – because, yeah, when you have young kids, when else are you supposed to connect in any sort of deep and meaningful way? During the day, life is about survival. Evenings are the time to reconnect. It’s the visual triggering the emotional signal that’s hitting you hard.

So, how do you talk about this? Gently, honestly, and lovingly. Here are some ideas:

1. Pick the right time. Don’t bring it up when she’s wearing it, or when you’re already frustrated. 
2. Share your feelings, not accusations. Don’t go with “that nightgown is ugly and I hate it”, instead go with “When you put on your nightgown, I get the impression that you’re disconnecting from the world – including me. To me, it feels like it’s designed to shut down attraction right at the time that we finally have time to connect.”
3. Offer solutions. Offer to go shopping together for some nightwear that is both comfortable and sexy.
4. Ask about her side. Maybe it doesn’t mean to her what you think it’s signalling.

Marriage is full of these little friction points. If you approach it like a team problem to solve, like, “How do we both end the day in a way that feels good for each of us?”, then you’ll likely get further than if you make it only about the clothing. And solving problems together is important for a relationship. It builds trust and connection.

Struggles like this are common – how you handle them matters. You will either handle it poorly or not at all, which will lead to resentment, or you will handle it well, which will lead to connection and can be a springboard to talking about deeper issues related to attraction, intimacy and end-of-day rituals.

For us, when our youngest two go to bed, we go to bed. The clothes come off and we do something together – like watching TV, reading a book, sharing videos I saved for her on TikTok or Facebook. We don’t disconnect after the kids go to bed – we intentionally reconnect. 

Question 2 – Is using a vibrator wrong?

I have a question about whether using a vibrator on yourself is wrong. No porn or other thoughts involved, just a release until we get to be intimate again.

My personal belief is that sex should be experienced within a longterm committed relationship and all sexual experiences should be shared within that relationship.

Because when you separate sex from the relationship – problems happen. It gets easier to not fix sexual issues in the relationship. It’s easier to leave the relationship because you no longer see it as your only source of sexual release. You send a message that sexual release is more important than connection. You train your brain not to look to your spouse for sex.

I have a bunch of blog posts on this topic if you want to explore or argue. This is one that contains links to many others: https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/masturbation-problem-whether-youre-married-single/

Now, if you want to use it with your spouse – go for it.

If you want to share your thoughts anonymously – fill out our survey and share them there!

Question 3 – How do I get my husband to initiate sex?

How do I get my husband to instigate sex with me?

We are doing it on average once or twice a week but that is all me. I tried talking to him about it and everytime he says he will try to do more often. I even got back on birth control for this reason because I thought he would be more interested in having sex with me if there was no condom involved. I don’t know what else to do. I’m starting to feel self conscious about this. He doesn’t watch porn, to my knowledge. We have been married for 5 years and have one toddler (who goes to bed at a decent hr).

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First off, you’re not alone. Many wives who have the higher drive feel like they’re the odd one out, but the truth is that in about ¼ to ⅓ of marriages, the wife actually has the higher sex drive. Desire levels also fluctuate over time depending on health, age, stress, medications, sleep, and more.

What makes it harder for wives is all the stereotypes. Our culture constantly shows men as the ones who always want sex, always initiating, and often being rejected. What we don’t see are the men who struggle with low or lower drive compared to their wives. They tend to be quieter about it, less likely to talk to friends or seek help, so it feels rare even though it isn’t.

On top of that, cultural messaging in the last few decades has trained men to avoid stereotypically “male” traits like assertiveness. Many men have been taught that showing sexual initiative is pushy, unattractive, or even wrong. After a lifetime of that programming, it can be hard to suddenly flip the switch and confidently initiate, even when their wife says she wants it.

Some men also stop initiating because of rejection, whether in this relationship or a past one. Even a handful of painful experiences can be enough to make a husband decide, consciously or not, that it is safer to wait for his wife to start things.

So, what can you do?

One very practical option is to schedule who initiates. Divide up the week: maybe you take Monday through Wednesday, and he takes Thursday through Saturday. Sunday is open for whoever feels like it. That way, each of you has the responsibility to initiate within your window. Put it right in the calendar as a repeating event, because “trying harder” without a plan usually does not get very far.

This not only solves the “who’s supposed to start” question, but it gives him a clear, low-pressure framework. He knows what is expected, he can plan for it, and over time it can help him build the habit of taking initiative.

And one more thing: please don’t let his hesitation make you feel undesirable. The fact that you’re having sex shows that you’re attractive and desirable to him, otherwise you would not be connecting sexually at all. What you’re really running into is not a lack of attraction, but a lack of a working system for initiation. That is fixable.

A big part of the coaching I do is helping couples turn desire into a plan, because most of the time both partners want a better sex life, they just don’t know how to get there. This is one of those areas where a plan can make all the difference.

Question 4 – Need something to spice up our sex life

I need to do something to spice up the sex life in my marriage. I want to give my husband a surprise threesome with another woman. I don’t want to do anything with her. I’ll just drink a glass of wine and watch the show. At this point I just don’t know what to do? HELP

I would not do this. I’ve heard too many “this is how my marriage ended” stories involving threesomes. It’s still adultery, even if both spouses agree to it, and there’s a reason we’re commanded not to engage in that sort of behaviour.

Besides, there are so many other things you can do as a couple to spice things up. If you’re looking for ideas, check out Our Sexploration List – it has literally hundreds of things to choose from, none of which involve anyone other than your spouse.

But don’t do the threesome – that’s just asking for trouble in my opinion.

Question 5 – How does scent factor into spouse selection

I’d be interested to know how often scent factors into choosing a spouse. This could be their choice of fragrance or their natural scent.

Yeah, good question. Scent plays a much larger role in attraction than most people realize.

Our sense of smell is deeply tied to the limbic system of the brain, the part that governs memory and emotion. That’s why certain smells can instantly transport you back to a moment in your life. Because of this, the way someone smells can trigger automatic associations with past experiences and the emotions tied to them, for better or worse. This could be their natural scent or a fragrance they use.

On a biological level, research suggests women often prefer the scent of men whose immune system markers (MHC genes) complement their own. For example, if she’s weak in one marker, she may be more attracted to a man who is strong in that marker, but less drawn to men with a similar deficiency.

However, fragrances can mask these natural scents, and birth control pills can even interfere with a woman’s ability to detect those genetic cues through smell. There have been cases where women stop taking birth control and suddenly realize they cannot stand the natural scent of their partner. For that reason, I generally would not advise using hormonal birth control while dating, because it could set you up for difficulties later on.

Question 6 – Recovery after pregnancy

Hi Jay,

I’ve got a question in regard to a woman’s recovery after pregnancy. My wife and I had our second child about 5 months ago, and we haven’t done anything sexual yet. I’ve read that the times vary for when a woman feels comfortable having any form of sexual intimacy. So I haven’t pushed the issue at all. I made that mistake after our first child was born and it didn’t go well. I think that we ended up waiting about 8 months before we had sex after that child was born, and I’d rather not go down that road again.

Another important aspect of this is that we didn’t have sex during the pregnancy either. I tried to initiate throughout but she was either feeling too sick/too tired (maybe too disinterested?) to go for it.

So we’re basically going on 14 months without any form of sexual intimacy. I can feel the distance between us. I would assume she can too. I’m trying not to be the jerk husband that only cares about sex, but I’m just feeling really lost. I want to be sensitive to her needs. I want to talk about it, but how can I approach this while also being sensitive to the fact that she may not be ready after having a baby? Part of me thinks trying to talk about it will just make it worse. I’m trying to tread lightly but ultimately I don’t think it’s helping either of us and it’s basically at the point where I’m trying to act like everything is okay when it definitely isn’t. Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated!

That’s a difficult position to be in. You’re right that recovery after pregnancy varies a lot. Some woman are physically ready within weeks, some need less, some need more. The standard “6 week” number given is enough time to make sure the uterus has contracted back to it’s normal size, the cervix is closed, stitches or incisions have healed and to make sure there are no obvious complications.

Beyond that, there are still the hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, body image issues, emotional exhaustion and stress that can all lower desire or even willingness. Add in another kid, and that just compounds it.

That said, 14 months without any intimacy is understandably hard, and pretending it’s fine isn’t likely helping either of you. 5 months post-birth without any other complications is also quite a long time. She’s probably very aware of it, but afraid to say anything, just like you are. Also, for many women, the longer sex is avoided, the harder it can feel to start again, and that’s a problem, because physical intimacy is one of the main ways a couple stays connected. Avoiding the topic doesn’t remove the distance being created – it quietly increases it.

So, what can you do?

First, you have to have a conversation about it. Something like, “Hey, can we talk about our sex life? I don’t want to push or rush you, but also I’m really starting to feel this distance between us grow, and I don’t like that. I really miss being close to you. Can we came up with a plan to restart things again?”

In that plan, maybe separate intimacy from sex. Sex might be too much of a mountain to climb right off the bat, so start with easier things. Cuddling, kissing, massages, non-sexual touches. Then do all those things naked and make the touches more sexual. Let her see if her body responds.

If not, then check for underlying issues. Could be hormonal, thyroid issues, postpartum depression, physical pain, feeling overwhelmed, low iron, and a bunch of other things that are common to new mothers. Solving those will fix far more than just sex.

Lastly, you’re not being a jerk for wanting this. Desire for intimacy is a healthy, God-given part of marriage.

Question 7 – Is using classical conditioning on your spouse wrong?

Hello Jay, I recently came across a post online about a husband “pavloving” his wife. In the sense that through repeated subtle actions, which were unnoticed by his wife, that being pinching her rib during her orgasm. After a few years, he’d now be able to pinch her rib in any scenario outside of sex and she would immediately be extremely turned on.

I can’t figure out whether this classical conditioning is okay or not. On one hand it seems pleasant and meant with good intentions, while on the other I can already see the argument being made for it being manipulative and selfish. So I suppose that my question is whether or not you’ve come across this sort of thing before, and what are the morals/ethics behind it?

Yeah, this is textbook classical conditioning, where you pair a stimulus with a strong emotional or physical state until the stimulus alone can trigger it. Humans can be conditioned like this, just like Pavlov’s dog, and it shows up in all sorts of contexts.

We use this with bed time rituals for kids. When our kids were little, evening prayers were often said by rote. “Now I lay me down to sleep…” I wasn’t sure I’d be able to remember it when we had kids and started putting them to bed, but the moment my wife started, “Now I lay…” the rest came back instantly. That’s programming. And sure enough, halfway through, we all yawn—every time. It preps everyone for sleep. That’s classical conditioning. (Take note, parents!) Of course, it’s important to also model non-rote praying, but the routine has its place.

Of course, conditioning can also be used in less noble ways. Think of Subway: they’re always baking bread and then blowing the smell across the whole plaza. As soon as you smell it, you’re hungry.

So what about ethics? For me, it comes down to context and consent. I tell my coaching clients up front when I’m going to use brain tricks to help them have a better marriage. They’re fine with it – happy, even – because the goal is for their benefit. Why not use psychology hacks to improve your life?

If your spouse is aware and okay with you “brainwashing” them in small ways, and it’s genuinely for their benefit, then sure, why not? But if they don’t know, it gets murkier. Personally, I know my wife well enough to gauge what she’d be fine with and what she wouldn’t. She happens to like surprises and likes me taking the lead, so it fits our dynamic. I can’t say if it would fit yours.

What I can say is this: if it isn’t for their benefit, then no, it’s definitely not okay, and if you aren’t sure – then have a conversation about it.

Question 8 – How do I keep myself from becoming distant from my husband? 

How do I keep myself from becoming distant from my husband? Lack of sex and other types of intimacy have me feeling like a burden – undesirable, and unwanted. He does all kinds of acts of service around the house and yard, and sometimes cooks for our family, but I am the one who has to initiate dates, sex, hugs, kisses, cuddles, and… Romance? What’s that?

Crazy things is, my husband and I have been married for 25 years, gone through some major moves, job changes (both of us) and illnesses (both of us) together, and get along really pretty well. We’re both Christians. We each consider the other to be our best friend. We’ve been practicing communicating better, especially over the past year. My husband is amazing in bed, and we both enjoy some spicier things, but he doesn’t desire physical connection, so it doesn’t happen often. I try to give him space. I have to verbally ask for a hug or kiss or sex. He’ll give me a hug or kiss, but sex many times is either a “no” or it gets put off until the next day, then the next, then the next, until I get tired of asking and just give up until my hormones demand it of me again. I’ve been trying not to ask very often, especially if he’s stressed or overworked. I’ve been trying not to let it bother me that he isn’t interested in touching me or having me touch him (except holding hands), but my heart was absolutely broken last night when he said no to any sexual touching. Heart. Absolutely broken. Shattered. He offered to cuddle with me, but I couldn’t because I would have made us both miserable with my stupid libido going berserk. But I truly do love the guy. So I swallowed my hurt, asked about his day and asked more questions about his projects until he was too tired to say anymore, then I rolled over, silently forgave him, silently counted my blessings, silently prayed for him and our kids and my friends, and silently cried and cried myself to sleep sometime after 3am.

When I answered your manual sex survey this afternoon, I realized that our situation has reached a point that we need to seek counseling, but I’ve asked him about counseling three other, unrelated times, “to keep our marriage healthy, and get an objective view so we can beat off any problems before they get big” and he’s been absolutely against it.

So here I sit taking care of the kids with tears leaking out from time to time, while he lovingly serves our family by cleaning up the yard and mowing. Yes, we’re busy. We’re stressed with huge work projects (his is almost over, mine are perpetually renewed). We have kids. We have church responsibilities. We have older parents. And my husband is losing me without realizing it. I can feel myself shutting down. I don’t want to be lost, but I think I’m beginning to grieve the loss of something and it scares me.

So, like I asked at the beginning, how do I keep myself from becoming more and more distant from my husband?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

So, there are definitely some overlaps with the earlier question that I will not bother repeating, and instead we will focus on what is unique here, because you are right, God designed marriage for intimacy, not just sharing a house and a to-do list.

It is clear your husband loves you; he is just missing in how he shows it. That happens a lot. We all try our best to show love, but sometimes it is in a way that does not land. That is okay, but it does need to be addressed.

He seems to be an Acts of Service kind of guy, showing love through yard work, cooking, projects, etc. But you are more of a Physical Affection sort of gal, so it does not connect the same way. When that need is not met, it feels like rejection. Over time, that leads to exactly what you are describing: distance, grief, and loneliness.

Here is what I would suggest:

• Name the difference, not a deficiency. Do not frame it as failure, frame it as difference. For example: “Hey, we feel loved in different ways, and our love languages are not lining up. I need x, y, and z from you.” Phrase it as a need, not a desire.
• Remind him that sex is about connection. It is not just arousal and release. It is how you stay close, and I don’t think you’re wrong to say that you’re starting to drift.  In fact, if that’s what’s happening, then it definitely needs to be said.
• Think “foreign language.” For him, this is like learning something new. The way to learn is repetition. This will not be a one-time conversation, it is going to take consistency and gentle reminders.
• Be clear and assertive. Hints usually do not work. Asking is normal in marriage. Consider scheduling intimacy, because sometimes spontaneity is the real barrier. And if he says “raincheck,” let him know you expect initiation back within 24-48 hours. That is a rule I use with coaching clients who want regular sex.
  

Also, do not hide your grief. If you are sad, frustrated, or angry, then show it. That does not mean lashing out, but it does mean letting him see the impact. If you keep it inside, he will not understand how deeply it hurts.

Let me share an example: last night my wife and I had planned time together, but a delivery of grain were were waiting for ran late.  And by late, I mean it was supposed to be at 7:30pm and it didn’t show up until 9:30pm.  Then it takes about an hour to unload, pack everything up, and get back to the house.  I was sad and frustrated, and I said so. I did not blame her, but I did voice it: “I am sad our night did not turn out the way I wanted. How is tomorrow look?” That honesty matters.

Now, in our marriage, “no” is not an answer. We do not reject each other’s bids for connection. We may have to pause or delay, but we do not say no. If that is an ongoing issue in your marriage, then it is worth a direct talk and maybe bringing in a third party.

And if you are thinking, “great, but tell him that,” I would be happy to. Book a call, let us talk about coaching, the three of us. Even if you do not move forward long term, I will try to help you take the next step.  In fact, send him this post.  Your question was well written and shared that you clearly love him, but are struggling. 

To your husband, incase he reads this – I’m not going to beat you up for this.  My goal is to improve your marriage, not take her side or your side.  I’m only interested in creating a plan to make you both happier and your marriage more successful, and then helping you stick to that plan, making adjustments as needed as we go.

Finally, two keys to fighting resentment:

1. Do not do things that build bitterness. If silently crying at night is making you resentful, do not keep doing it. Wake him up and let him know how you feel.
   
2. Practice gratitude. You mentioned a lot of positives. Name them. Thank him for them. Gratitude does not fix everything, but it is powerful protection against bitterness.
   

I hope that helps.

Question 9 – How can I talk to my husband about oral sex?

Hello! How can I talk to my husband about oral sex? I really would love to incorporate this and receive pleasure but he just isn’t good at it. He has listened to podcasts, read material on the proper ways and I have even tried to coach him on what I like, what feels good & what doesn’t. Despite all this, I just can’t get there and end up switching to something else. I love giving oral to him and he always communicates how much he loves it. I feel guilty, that even though he tries, it just doesn’t arouse me or get me there. Do I need to just push this aside and focus on the things that do bring me pleasure with him and just surrender this idea? I do love him and don’t want to hurt his feelings.

I’d suggest switching it up. Instead of using oral as the thing to get you aroused, try it when you’re already there. Use another method first (manual, intercourse, toys, whatever works best) to get close to orgasm, then switch to oral and see if that changes the experience.

For a lot of women, oral sex just doesn’t feel great unless they’re already turned on. That’s very normal.

It’s also possible that your body simply doesn’t respond much to oral sex, and that’s okay too. Plenty of men and women don’t orgasm easily or at all from oral.

So, try the “already aroused first” approach. If it helps, great. Just stop using it as foreplay. If it doesn’t, no problem. Let it go for a while and maybe revisit it down the road.

And that’s it for today.  Remember – fill out the survey, and wives – if you want to know more about how to solve conflicts related to being more engaged, present, and enjoying yourself more in the bedroom, sign up for the webinar.