SWM 098 – Energy, mutual masturbation, orgasm struggles, desire type quiz and meeting other couples

Topics include:
Where does the energy come from?
Mutual masturbation
Sharing fantasies and machines
Masturbation due to struggles with orgasming
Spontaneous / Responsive desire quiz
Why do married men masturbate?
How do you meet other people?
Can I use sex to encourage my husband to lose weight?

Well, here we are with another installment of answering anonymous questions from our Have A Question page.  These questions are coming from October 2022, so I’m slowly catching up.  I hope to get to the point where people can get answers in weeks, not months.  

Before we get to the questions, though, I want to remind you that we have an event this weekend for the wives.  On Saturday at 8 pm EST, I’m going to be running through the first module of our Becoming more sexually engaged course.  For the wives who are reading this, whether you’re interested in the course or just want some free information, I guarantee you will learn something, if not a whole lot of some things, and it will improve your marriage as a result.

If that sounds like something you’re interested in, you can join the 120 wives already registered for the webinar here.

And now on to the questions.

Question 1 – Where does the energy come from?

Question: Where does the energy come from? It feels real. It starts from your legs, body and intimate area & is it normal to feel this pressure inside my body & it lasts a long time?

In our supporter group, we weren’t sure what you were talking about.  I think you’d have to elaborate a bit more about when this happens, the context, etc., for us to have a chance at answering.  Maybe one of my readers can recognize what they mean and comment below.  

Question 2 – Mutual Masturbation

Mutual masturbation

That’s not a question, but I do have a post on mutual masturbation here as well as a survey on mutual masturbation here.

Question 3 – Sharing fantasies and machines

So I have this kinda strange fantasy, but I’m worried about whether I should tell my husband about it. I don’t want him to think I’m crazy or something. I have this thrusting machine; basically, it’s like a mechanical dildo attachment that can move in and out (thrusting) using a controller. My husband likes to watch me use it. Anyways I want to try using it on him.  We have tried pegging before, which was ok, but I’d like to tie him up and use it on him instead.  That way, I can stimulate myself while watching him. I know this is strange but is it wrong, and should I tell him about my fantasy?

Back in episode 93, I answered a very similar question with respect to sharing fantasies with your spouse, and I encourage you to go back and listen to question 3 on that episode.  I’ll link to it in the show notes for you.

As for the machine itself – my biggest concern is that machines are unforgiving.  If something goes wrong – it doesn’t know to stop.  You have to press the button, and your reflexes aren’t likely to be instantaneous. If you’re having sex and a spouse says, “Ow!” it’s pretty instinctive to freeze and stop doing more damage.  In a situation where you have to hit a button to make it stop, that freezing is going to translate into potentially more damage being done.  Assuming it’s somewhat of a larger machine, you also can’t just push it off or away – especially if you’re tied up.

Personally, that’s a bit beyond my risk tolerance.  You’d have to decide as a couple where yours is.

Question 4 – Struggle orgasming

My husband and I have an amazing sex life. My only issue is that it is very difficult for me to climax to orgasm. I have wave upon wave of sensations close but rarely complete. I find myself masturbating and justifying that our time together is wonderful, so I’ll relieve myself this way sometimes.

Why not masturbate together?  This way, you still get orgasms.  It’s still a shared experience.  You’ll get more comfortable orgasming with your spouse, and he may learn new tricks.  Plus, he can help and increase your arousal and subsequent orgasms.  Seems like a lot of good reasons to keep it as a shared activity.  The only downside is that sometimes people feel uncomfortable or embarrassed masturbating in front of their spouse.  To that, I say: “Get comfortable being uncomfortable.”  Marriage is about growth, and if you’re never uncomfortable, then you’re never growing.

Question 5 – Spontaneous/responsive desire quiz


Do you have a quiz or something my wife and I can take to determine the type of desire (spontaneous or responsive) we have?



Hi Daniel! I didn’t when you asked, but I spent a week or so creating one.  It’s still currently in the beta stage, but if you want to try it out, you can do so at app.uncoveringintimacy.com.  It’s a quick quiz with a few questions and then links to our posts on spontaneous and responsive desire to learn more.

Question 6 – Why do married men masturbate?

Topics include:
Where does the energy come from?
Mutual masturbation
Sharing fantasies and machines
Masturbation due to struggles with orgasming
Spontaneous / Responsive desire quiz
Why do married men masturbate?
How do you meet other people?
Can I use sex to encourage my husband to lose weight?

Why do married men masturbate?

I have an entire post on that topic here.  I think it’s the post with the most comments to date.

Question 7 – How do you meet other people?

How does a couple meet others?

I’m going to assume you mean other couples to create friendships with and not something like finding a unicorn or swinging partners.  

Probably one of the easiest place to find other couples to hang out with are at church.  You already have a shared goal in life (following God), if you have kids, your church likely has some children’s program with other kids in them, so you can find families with similar age groups.

Other than that, there’s always work, neighbours, extra-curricular activities, the gym, and anywhere else you find people.

Strike up a conversation, get to know them a bit, find shared interests, and then invite them over for coffee, to play a board game, to go to an event, or whatever else you like to do.

Question 8 – Can I use sex to encourage my husband to lose weight?

Sue here.  I want my husband to lose weight. I want to give sexual rewards for every ten lbs and a big reward for halfway to his goal and something big when he reaches his goal what can I do?


Hey Sue! This generated some discussion in our supporter’s forum with some thinking it’s a great idea, and others thinking it was a terrible one.

Ultimately, I think it depends on the couple.  Some felt it would feel manipulating. Others felt it would make them run to the gym immediately.  My wife and I have done this in the past and it was quite effective.  But, it requires having a fairly healthy sex life.  As one of our supporters said:

I think it is only a good idea if it is agreed upon by both of them and these rewards are on top of an already good sex life. It would not be a good idea if it were no sex until you hit this milestone.

Also, it has to come from a place of lovingly trying to encourage your spouse – not using sex as a way to manipulate them.  If you’ve used sex as a weapon or a means of control in the past – this may backfire.  

But, if you have a healthy sex life, and no baggage to worry about with manipulation in the past, then, yeah, this can be a lot of fun.

Lastly, if you decide to do this – you have to help him. You can’t go sandbagging him so that you don’t have to fulfill your end of the deal. The best way is to continuously make it clear that you are looking forward to both of you enjoying his reward.

As for ideas – yeah, tons of them.  The easiest is to get something like our Sexy Coupons, pick some out, and then maybe write on the back something like “redeemable when under x weight.”

If you want something that’s going to have more of an impact and likely to encourage him more, then I’d say check out Our Sexploration List.  Fill it out together, then find the matches that you aren’t currently doing but you are “willing to do,” and he’s “wanting to do.” That way, you’ll build a wish list for him and have prime material for gifts that don’t push your boundaries and would be a big incentive for him.

That’s it for today.  Don’t forget to sign up for the webinar if you haven’t already, and if you have a question of your own, feel free to visit our Anonymous Have A Question page.  Lastly, thank you to all our supporters who help in discussing the questions, bringing new ideas and just generally being amazing.  If you’d like to join the group and become part of the conversation, check out our support page.

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