Simultaneous orgasm survey results

Jay Dee

Simultaneous orgasm survey results

Mar 28, 2018

Simultaneous orgasms aren’t really talked about much.  Yet, many people expect them to occur frequently, if not all the time.  Some even think that if they can’t achieve it, then there is something wrong with the relationship. I think this is largely due

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Simultaneous orgasms aren’t really talked about much.  Yet, many people expect them to occur frequently, if not all the time.  Some even think that if they can’t achieve it, then there is something wrong with the relationship.

I think this is largely due to our media. Whether it be TV shows, movies, romance novels, or anything else, there is this perception that real, romantic sex results in simultaneous orgasms.  That anything else is somehow less.

So, I decided to do a survey to see what people actually thought about simultaneous orgasms, and secondly, how realistic is it to expect them?

I was hoping to get 800 responses, but sadly only managed 730.  Still, it’s a fair sized data set for our little community.  Thank you to all who contributed by sharing your data!

Now, on to the analysis.

Orgasm time

I was a little surprised by this.  I mean, secular research tells us that men orgasm much quicker than women, leading to the “orgasm gap”.  However, every time we run a survey, that gap seems smaller than other research seems to say.  I wonder if people in long-term, monogamous marriages start to close the gap.

Men say they orgasm, on average, within 10 minutes.  Their wives say it takes their husbands about 11 minutes.
Women say they orgasm, on average, in 16 minutes.  Their husbands say about 15 minutes.

Chart - Average time to orgasm by gender

I like those results because the husbands and wives seem to agree (within a small margin), of how long it takes their spouse to orgasm.  To me, this is an indication that the data is fairly stable.  If men were saying they lasted 10 minutes and wives said their husbands last 2 minutes on average, we’d have a massive problem with the questions and responses.  But, 10-11 / 16-15 is a pretty tight agreement.  It also means the orgasm gap, for many, is far less than the sex education industry would have us believe.  Or at least, it seems to be in Christian marriages.  Go us!

Orgasm control – Can you delay your orgasm?

I made a mistake on this question… I let people add an “other” option.  I need to stop allowing for that. While it bothers some people to have to choose a box that doesn’t perfectly fit them, it’s the only way to get sane data.   Unfortunately, some people want to be such a snowflake that they will answer “I don’t know” or “We never tried” instead of “Not sure”.

In the end, I had to strip out everything that wasn’t either a “Yes”, “No”, “Sometimes” or “Not sure” that I originally started with and use the rest only anecdotally for any analysis utilizing this question.

That still left us with 663 responses, so while we lost quite a few, not all is lost.

Wives

36% of wives said they could delay their orgasm until their husband had one
23% of wives said they could not
35% said they sometimes could
6% said they weren’t sure

Now, when we ask husbands about their wives, we get some interesting numbers.  Husbands agree, that about 35% of wives can delay their orgasm until their own and that 23% of wives can’t.  However, it’s the “sometimes” and “not sure” that get a little messed up.  19% said sometimes and 24% weren’t sure.  I think this is probably due to a lack of communication.  It’s a little harder to differentiate between those two if you aren’t talking about it.

One thing to note is that a lot of women added options like “Why would I want to?” Or “it’s not necessary for women to hold off” and many mentioned multiple orgasms.  I think some people think that all women have multiple orgasms easily, or even want multiple orgasms.  Some can’t (yet or ever, not sure), and some don’t want them.

Husbands

37% of husbands said they could delay their orgasm until their wife had one
17% of husbands said they could not
42% of husbands said they sometimes could
3% said they weren’t sure

For the detail-oriented people, yes, that only adds up to 99%, but we have some rounding issues causing a loss of 1% along the way.

45% of wives said their husband could hold off, 14% said they couldn’t.  31% said “sometimes” and 9% weren’t sure. In short, the women are a little more optimistic about their husband’s orgasm control than the husbands are.

What’s interesting here is that less than half of men and women have enough control to regularly hold off in order to have a simultaneous orgasm.  That’s not quite what we’re seeing in the movies, is it?  Perhaps they’re able to accelerate their orgasm, or orgasm on command instead, tackling the problem from another angle.  Let’s see.

Orgasm control – can you orgasm on command?

Here, I made the same mistake as above, but this time more people were willing to accept the given options, so we only had to cut down to 706 responses.

Wives

4% of wives said they could orgasm on command
78% said they couldn’t
16% of wives said “sometimes”
3% weren’t sure

When we asked the husbands about their wives, they by and large agreed.  4% said “yes”, 74% said “no”, 10% said “sometimes”, and 12% weren’t sure.  I think that the last one is a communication thing again.  Or, they’ve just never thought to discuss it.

Husbands

12% said they could orgasm on command
57% said they couldn’t
25% said “sometimes”
5% said they weren’t sure

The wives, by and large, agreed with their husband’s recollection: 14% said “yes”, 53% said “no”, 14% said “sometimes” and 19% weren’t sure.  Again, those last two are hard to differentiate.  It could be he tried, but she didn’t know.

So, the vast majority of people can’t orgasm on command with any regularity.  There goes that theory.  Doesn’t seem like simultaneous orgasms are happening very often based on these questions.  Maybe they’re just not really trying.  Let’s find out.

How often do you attempt to orgasm simultaneously?

The numbers were really close for both men and women, which is good.  I hope it means they aren’t trying to orgasm simultaneously without communicating to their spouse that that’s what they’re trying to do.

Anyways, about 23% of couples never try to orgasm simultaneously.
Another 23% only try 10-20% of the time.
Another 24% only between 30-50% of the time.

Chart - How often do you attempt to orgasm simultaneously

And it keeps dropping off until only about 8% of couples actually try every single time.  I wonder if they expect to orgasm as often as they are trying.

How often do you expect to orgasm simultaneously?

33% never expect to (38% of wives and 31% of men).  From there, it drops off pretty quick:

14% expect to 1/10 times
11% expect to 2/10 times
9% expect to 3/10 times and down it goes until by the end, only 2% are expecting to 90% of the time, and 4% expect to every time.

Chart - How often do you expect to orgasm simultaneously

Now, this makes me feel a bit better.  I was worried that the majority would think that they should every time.  So, how often do they actually orgasm simultaneously?

How often do you orgasm simultaneously during intercourse?

Chart - How often do you orgasm simultaneously during intercourse

Again, we largely have consensus between what the husbands and wives say, so I won’t bother splitting it up.

25% of couples said they have never had an orgasm simultaneously
19% said about 10% of the time
12% said 20% of the time
12% said 30% of the time
5% said 40% of the time
6% said 50% (I think the boost is just because it’s a nice round number)
5% said 60% of the time
5% said 70% of the time
6% said 80% of the time
4% said 90% of the time
leaving us with less than 2% saying they orgasm together 100% of the time

2%!  Really, only 22% manage it more often than not.  What’s good is that more manage it than expect to.  Good news, right?  Turns out this is a fairly rare event for more couples though.  In fact, only 10% of the couples that try every time to orgasm simultaneously managed to do so every time.  In other words, while about 8 out of every 100 couples are trying to orgasm simultaneously every single time, only about 1 out of every 125 couples is managing to do it.

That said, of those that try to every time, more than half (67%) are managing to do it more often than not.  In fact, over a quarter of them (26%) manage to 90% of the time.  So, there’s something to be said for perseverance.  What the data can’t tell us is whether they try every time because they often can, or if they often can because they try every time.  The same correlation vs causality argument we always get into with these surveys.

I tried also to look into whether or not age made a difference.  But, there doesn’t seem to be any correlation.  Perhaps a weak inverse one for women (that is, as women get older, it might be harder to achieve this), but not enough to say that’s a fact by any means.  Certainly not in men.  Likewise, the length of the marriage has no clear correlation either.  That one I was a bit surprised by, to be honest.  I guess I figured more people would be trying and getting better at it as their marriage progressed.

How often do you orgasm simultaneously from oral sex?

Some had mentioned that they orgasm simultaneously best while in a 69 position, that is, mutually pleasuring each other with oral sex.  Doesn’t seem to be many though.  I mean, that would be harder I think, because you can’t see their facial reactions, nor judge their body language as easily.  After all, you have their genitals in your face.  As much fun as that is, it does make it difficult to take in the whole picture.

In fact, only about 1% of couples say they manage this every time, whether they’re attempting to or not. The vast majority (72%) have never experienced a simultaneous oral orgasm.

How often do you orgasm simultaneously from manual sex?

Manual sex, I’d imagine is slightly easier.  Now, I made a mistake here of not separating you manually stimulating your spouse from engaging in mutual masturbation.  Kicking myself for that one.  Nevertheless, the numbers here are pretty low as well.

Only 55% have ever experienced simultaneous orgasm from manual stimulation, and another 10% said only 10% of the time.  In fact, only 2% manage to do it every time.

I just realized I was a bit unclear there as well. Does that mean 2% manage to do it every time they engage in manual sex, or does that mean 2% end with manual sex and have simultaneous orgasms every time they have sex?  See what I mean?  Sometimes it would be handy to have a background in research so I wouldn’t make these rookie mistakes.  But, live and learn.

How do you coordinate simultaneous orgasms?

So, if you want to learn to orgasm simultaneously, what’s the best method?

44% said they watch each other’s facial expressions and body language
35% said they communicate verbally
20% said they just know (which is probably that they’re watching body language and don’t realize it)
And the rare unicorn (0.2%) said “it just happens”

I was curious what happened if we just look that those who manage it 100% of the time.  I mean, they should have the answer, right?  They’re managing it every single time, without fail.  Now, granted, this is a very small data set: 9 responses in total.  Still, it should clean some information.

Well, the majority (78%) of that small group believe that verbal communication is the way to go.  Only one said they watch body language, and another said “we just know”, which again, I think is probably body language as well.  So, if you are looking to orgasm simultaneously, you can’t be afraid to talk about it, in the moment.

What positions / activity work best to orgasm from for you?

Now, I made a wording error here.  I should have said which position / activity as I only let you choose one.  Thank goodness, or else the data would be a mess.  Still, some got upset that they couldn’t choose multiple.  I’m hoping everyone chose their favourite, or what worked the best

Here are the top 8:

  1. Position doesn’t matter  – 26%
  2. Man on top – 20%
  3. Doggy style (rear entry) – 16%
  4. Woman on top – 13%
  5. Manual sex – 7%
  6. Oral sex – 7%
  7. Mutual masturbation – 3%
  8. Anal sex – 1%

I chose eight because everything else tied with one vote each, except spooning, which got two.  I was a little surprised that anal sex got almost twice as many votes from women than men, but then I shouldn’t be, based on our prior survey.

Chart - What position works best for simultaneous orgasms

I should point out that women said the position mattered more than men.  Not quite sure how that works, unless they were also just picking what they enjoyed more.  That’s the most likely culprit.  Anyways, for women, the top 8 in order are:

  1. Woman on top – 21%
  2. Manual sex – 19%
  3. Man on top – 19%
  4. Oral sex – 14%
  5. Doggy style (rear entry) – 8%
  6. Position doesn’t matter – 6%
  7. Anal sex – 2%
  8. Mutual masturbation – 2%

And just to be fair, the men’s list was:

  1. Position doesn’t matter – 35%
  2. Man on top – 21%
  3. Doggy style (rear entry) – 19%
  4. Woman on top – 9%
  5. Oral sex – 4%
  6. Mutual masturbation – 4%
  7. Manual sex – 2%
  8. Anal sex – <1 %

How does orgasming simultaneously affect your experience?

Chart - How does simultaneous orgasm affect your sexual experience

So, does it make a difference?

Well, 65% of men and 57% of women thought it made the experience better.
34% of men and 38% of women said it didn’t make a difference.
And 3% of men and 5% of women actually said it made sex not as good.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t tell us much.  It could be that simultaneous orgasms are better because they’re rare, or that they’re better because we’ve been told they’re better.  Or maybe they are objectively better.  Hard to say.

Did you have to work to learn to orgasm simultaneously?

So, what if you want to orgasm simultaneously, but haven’t yet?  Is this something you can learn?

Now, those “simultaneous orgasm every time” people are split on this.  About half said they had to work at it, and the other half said they didn’t.  Seems there may be some “natural talent” at play for some individuals.    However, if we ask all those who have experienced one if it’s something they had to work at, we get this:

43% said, yes, they had to work at it
32% said they are still working to have them more often
25% said they never had to work at it

However, of those who said they never had to work at it, 13% are attempting to orgasm simultaneously every time, and only 2.5% are managing it.  So, I’m not sure I trust that answer.  I think a lot of that might be false bravado.

Do simultaneous orgasms matter?

Simultaneous orgasm survey results

I’m not sure.  I know for me, it’s sort of a neat thing when it happens, but isn’t something we necessarily strive for.  The truth is, what brings me to orgasm is different than what brings my wife to orgasm most of the time.  So, for us, simultaneous orgasms are fairly rare, just because the activities tend to be weighted towards one or the other’s pleasure.

I don’t believe simultaneous orgasms are more holy or spiritual by any means.  They’re not more natural, or objectively “better”.  In fact, I think if you are having them every time, I think you may be missing out on an opportunity to do some selfless giving.  There’s something special about giving pleasure to your spouse without getting anything in return except seeing them happy.

Anyways, I hope you found these survey results interesting, and perhaps give you and your spouse something to discuss.  Perhaps they also helped you release a burden of trying to achieve a simultaneous orgasm if you felt it was something that was “supposed” to happen.  If you have any further questions, feel free to ask them below, or to suggest the next survey topic.

Additional comments

With that, I’ll leave you with some of the “extra” comments I got from the survey that you might be interesting, and hopefully enlightening.  Sorry about the formatting, grammar and punctuation.  I was going to clean it up, and decided I’d just leave it because:

  1. It’s their comment, as is.
  2. It just takes too long, and I’d rather spend the time writing another post.

Anyways, enjoy!

From the women

  • Have never been able to orgasm with a partner
  • He recovers fast. If I sit on him in the chair and ride I can make him cum many times. Most orgasms for me take too long and too much work. I can be super aroused and still never cum. If I do, great. If not, oh well. The exception is anal. I prefer laying on my stomach with my legs as far open as I can with him on top on his elbows and his hands under me playing with my boobs. When he hits the right depth and angle. I will cum real fast. When I cum sometimes I contract really tight and he cums too! Those are fun. We don’t plan for them though. We like anal but it is a sometimes-treat not a regular.
  • We just realized there are still a lot of things we haven’t tried.
  • Please do not be afraid to go to certain places. Because at some point or another we all have questions about things we need answers to. We just hit these areas at different times in our marriages. But we all hit them. Thank you Jay Dee.
  • Advanced age changes everything. We’d like to orgasm simultaneously, but now he isn’t able every time and it takes a lot of foreplay for me to get there- when I’m close I say something and we begin intercourse. So first we spend a lot of time in foreplay and then when we start intercourse sometimes he isn’t able to maintain an erection as long or as strong as he’d like (and he thinks he can’t orgasm without it). Already using sildenafil, although thankfully don’t need the full 100 mg dose (because it’s so expensive). BUT, we’re so happy we can still enjoy sex. Neither of us has ever been with anyone else.
  • It’s not the holy grail of intimacy.  It is special when/if you can get it to happen, but don’t let not being able to get it to happen ruin what you do have.  If trying for it stops being fun, then it’s time to let it go for a while.
    I like when we orgasm together because then we are ready to cuddle at the same time.  It’s okay when that doesn’t happen though- we are there for each other.
  • It’s happened a few times naturally we haven’t put effort into making it happen. But it is amazing.
  • I actually prefer to take turns so that we can each enjoy the other’s orgasm and then focus on our own to fully enjoy the experience.
    We both can experience anal sex orgasm, but it is rare.
  • Sex is always at hubby’s behest. He does not allow me to initiate, neither the act, nor movement/speed/position. He only brings me to orgasm once or twice a month and using methods that he thinks feel good to me. I do not have the freedom to communicate with him or express anything other than pleasure (no matter if it’s even painful, let alone just isn’t what I want) or he gets very offended, angry and withdrawn. I also am not allowed to enjoy my orgasm as the main event. Any orgasm I achieve MUST be immediately followed with acts that bring him to orgasm, even if he is suffering from ED. As per Biblical verse, I am not to deny him unless I am heavily bleeding or 3 weeks post pregnancy.
  • Both grew up in church but stopped in college for a while. Only married 3 years but together 8 & sexually active 7. iIwas nervous about getting pregnant in college so only hand/oral at first. Initially I said no to anal. after some research we decided to try. it was weird 4 both. no pain just weird. later an amazing day emotionally + romantic dinner + massage + oral got me excited to ask him do it agian. i came far stronger than ever b4 & he came because of my ‘pulsing’. 2day i enjoy vag sex but i adore anal. so much i changed workouts + health + what, when, & how much i eat to have more anal! his pref is reversed – he pref vag. were prob 40% anal 40 vag 20 oral & 2-3x/wk. his pref position is vag-doggy but its much easier for me to climax with anal sitting facinghim with my clit rubbing his hip & him playing with breasts. so intimate – love it. most likely to cum togeher in this position. we both enjoy climaxing together so we talk a lot. if he’s close i grind more & bounce less. if im close ill take him deeper faster. a lot of times when one goes the other follows right away. i also like laying facedown on bed with him on top. he hits right angle + depth + feeling ‘full’ + intimacy of him over me surrounding me & i often have multiples. chances of 1 being with him is usually good. sometimes it happens in vag-missionary but thats rare. those 3 r best positions 4 us.
  • I feel like orgasming simultaneously isn’t as good (usually, not always) because, each one of us gets “distracted” by our orgasm sometimes and don’t keep doing whatever brought on the orgasm (fingering, hand job), therefore our orgasms aren’t as deep as they’d be if we orgasmed at separate times.
  • Although husband can orgasm in 2 to 3 minutes he can also delay for as long as it takes for me to get there. I prefer that we orgasm simultaneously but he prefers that I orgasm first because he likes to feel the contractions before he orgasms.
  • We’ve been married 1.5 years and have orgasmed simultaneously once (because I had a second, the only time ever). I think he would like to every time just for the expderience (but isn’t disappointed at all when it doesn’t happen). I don’t really have much control (I just let it come when it does), and he has much more ability to control his but lets me enjoy mine. I got a good man who takes great care of me in and out of the bedroom!
  • It is very frustrating for my husband.
  • It’s not something we try for – it just happens. Simultaneous O’s are not a regular thing, but it’s not uncommon either. Especially if I get oral first & am mostly there before he starts. I almost selected anal simply because vaginal sex during my pregnancy has been less than pleasant w/ this child resulting in high irritation and thus an abnormally high [near exclusive along with oral] amount of back door pleasure these past few months.
  • Between sexual, hand, and toy stimulation a few simultaneous orgasms have occurred but I decided to just answer based on the longer span of our marriage instead of just the past few months. In that case, it’s easier for me to climax when I’m in control on top. If we both happen to be close at the same time, then we’ll try for it. If it happens, great! If not, we still both came & had fun!
  • It’s all about communication for us. If we’re communicating well in other areas of our life, then our communication during sex is better. We’ve learned to prioritize and value communication about every area of our lives, and our sex life has reaped in the benefits of those values.
  • It took a few years to get to really know each other and when to be able to go at the same time. Now, we just communicate about it while we’re having sex.
  • After 33 years, we can orgasm simultaneously every time we try. We only try about 30% of the time. That’s generally when the kids are staying with friends/family members. It’s not a necessity, just an occasional treat.
  • It is a nice surprise to orgasm together. It truly isn’t a goal for us. I’m going through a phase where it is hard for me to orgasm at all (from being one who always multipled) so we are just trying to focus on me. He always will if I do.
  • We have never made this a priority.  I usually have my first orgasm from manual or oral sex, and then sometimes have multiples during intercourse.  My husband always waits to orgasm until he feels like I have reached the end of my orgasms
  • I have a lot of “never” answers but that’s not entirely true. We have orgasmed simultaneously only once in 11 years of marriage, and it was a [very] happy accident. I have no idea how anyone makes that work; we both need very different movements/rhythms in order to reach orgasm.
    I took almost two years to learn to orgasm. Now it takes me a little bit to get the first one, but after that I just keep having them until he decides to go for his. So simultaneous ones aren’t that hard since it doesn’t take too much to get there after the first one. Sometimes he gives me a few more after he’s done.
  • I think going at the same time is made to be a big deal because of the movies. It can be a special thing to experience simultaneous ecstasy together, but not necessary. In some ways we don’t get to enjoy the other person as much while they orgasm because we are in our own zone instead of focusing only on the other’s orgasm.
  • We have had simultaneous orgasms, but we don’t work at it. Like I said above, we just don’t communicate well (about sex or anything else). I’ve tried to talk about sex with him, but it’s like talking to a wall, or worse, he might use information against me so he won’t give me touch that is physically pleasurable.
  • I don’t feel like the timing matters as long as we both feel loved and served by one another.
  • We use withdrawal and FAM as our main methods for birth control so we are only able to practice simultaneous orgasms during certain times of the month.
  • My husband used to want this but doesn’t seem to want to anymore. I think it’s because it takes me a while to orgasm and he wants to make sure I can come.
  • If I rub myself while we are in doggie, either PIV or anal, we have a chance to come together
  • With my first husband we pretty much always had simultaneous orgasms; serious sex problems in this second marriage and very little sex with no simultaneous orgasms so far.
  • It isn’t a goal since I orgasm only through oral or manipulation.
  • We sometimes use a lube that prolongs my husband’s ability to stay erect which allows for me to have a deeper orgasm and for him to control his, it’s quite delightful.
  • We’ve done it several times, my husband likes it ( I don’t know why) it makes no difference to me. Sex is so amazing why make it harder?
    Since he orgasms easily, he learned to delay, while watching me for signs.
  • I didn’t know you could learn to orgasm simultaneously. Would like to know more about how to make it happen.
  • LOVE your blog, it’s a God-send
  • Intimacy has been very tough for me because I have a different idea, for me it starts from compliments of how I look, many hugs which I rarely get, the other day I found myself longing to hear my husband expressing his love for me, the desire to be touched by someone who is willing to, it’s many things. I just struggle to just get on with it, sometimes it happens but I noticed that it’s usually after we’ve been out together n had a hearty conversation, been a church girl all my life, maybe I am difficult. I mean I don’t have a bag full of ideas.
  • God bless you
  • Most of the questions really depends on how long it’s been that we don’t have intercourse. If we have intercourse more than 3 times a week, it takes longer for both of us to orgasm , but if I’m really ready I can orgasm immediately and on command with multiple orgasms. When I’m not in the mood I allow my husband to have his way with me and I’ll work my way into having at least one with him to satisfy him.
  • if one partner is “close” then hearing to other partner orgasm can put them over the edge and it becomes simultaneous
  • Simultaneous orgasm works best for us when there are multiple factors involved. Such as man on top (his orgasm) and manual stimulation (my orgasm) at the same time. It usually takes some kind of combination of things (2 or more) for us to be successful…which is why it doesn’t happen as often. It’s a lot of work! HA!
  • I would like my spouse to try to help me orgasm more rather than the better luck next time attitude. If he finishes and I haven’t he is done and just says sorry.
  • We don’t try or expect anything, it all just clicks no matter who orgasms first!
  • We like to go separately. We both like to be able to really feel the other’s orgasm when it happens.
  • Coming at the same time doesn’t make sex any better or any worse. All orgasm’s are a delight whether they’re achieved simultaneously or not.
  • Simultaneously orgasms have never been a priority for us. While we have had it happen, and it’s wonderful, not having it happen doesn’t lessen the awesomeness of sex, either. When it does happen, it’s because he holds off until during mine, or he cums during one when I have multiple.
  • I only orgasm from a vibrator because my husband will not invest the time to bring me to orgasm himself. I don’t know how to change this.
  • Sometimes attempting to orgasm simultaneously I orgasm before her which can either push her over or cause her not to reach.  So sometimes it’s just better to focus on her first
  • Wife is a slow cooker who requires extended oral to orgasm.  If she is distracted by touching me that can prevent her from orgasm.  She is very hesitant to give oral and she won’t do a 69.  I almost always finish her before PIV orgasm for me (like Doggy best but we mix it up)
  • I use a vibrator to ensure an orgasm every time… otherwise I’d take too long. Only once in all the years together have we orgasmed at the same time. It was fun but not necessary.
  • With the question: “What POSITIONS / activity work best to orgasm from for you or your spouse?”  This implies that you may choose more than one position but the survey only allows for one answer.   That is why I chose “Other” and listed our favorite positions as all of them work for both of us.
  • We have GREAT sex (IMHO) when we have it, but it’s not often!
  • It is not something we work on. It just occasionally happens.

From the men

  • That she comes first is important to me now; I’ll climax sometimes but not always
  • I can make my partner pass in and out of consciousness with execessive orgasms.  while she is out, she hallucinates stars and geometric shapes.  When she is in such a heightened state of arousal, all Ineed to do to trigger another orgasm is pinch her nipple.
  • Time to orgasm includes some foreplay. For us we would rather take turns concentrating on the others experience.
  • We have never found the secret to getting that to work consistently
  • I rarely orgasm simultaneously because it’s too important that she gets to orgasm as it is a struggle for her.
  • Our priorities are elsewhere. Also, my experiences have been different with past partners, but there’s not really a way to address it in this form.
  • Is this a big deal?
  • This all depends on moods and objectives for the session.
  • Simultaneous orgasm has only happened for us once, on our honeymoon 6 1/2 years ago.
  • My wife has told me that she doesn’t desire to have sex any more.
  • My wife is very sexual and has been multi orgasmic since we’ve been together. She can orgasm on command usually and also is a squirter, so she truly enjoys being able to control when she cums as well as when we both cum
  • She likes to use a vibrator on her clit after I have come on it, kinda her thing but she finds it hot.
  • I don’t know her reactions or answers. She won’t talk about or share. Should have included an “I don’t know” option for survey questions
  • Sometimes it is nice but often I’d prefer separate to enjoy both.
  • Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. We’ve only ever SO’d with wife on top. Even though I answered I love doggy, she doesn’t so we do it less than 1% of the time…sadly
  • Wish it worked simultaneously more often
  • I think my wife may have issues with relaxing and enjoying sex
  • Orgasms at the same time when you are younger is such a game until you get stronger and control ejaculations and you can orgasm without ejaculation. Then it is all about giving the wife multiple and when she asks for us to “come” in uniscen to bring praise to God through orgasm, we make a feast of it.
  • Widen is generally not interested in simultaneous, so its hard to coordinate. She can’t seem to get warmed up when I am.
  • when I was younger, I could effectively hold myself “on the brink” to coincide with her orgasm. I can no longer do that, so simultaneous is harder.  (I have never asked my wife to hold off for me, but due to our physical dynamics I am unsure it could work that way. usually she needs manual stimulation to orgasm, and we REALLY like to orgasm during intercourse so it is hard for us to co-ordinate it.) we have always enjoyed it, but do not see it as a “grail” to make sex fun, just some additional fun added to the already great mix.
  • Mutual orgasm can happen.  But it doesn’t do a thing to make being with my wife a better experience.  What makes it really good is knowing I am with the woman of my dreams that loves me unconditionally and I love her with all my heart as well.
  • Our goal is to help each other get there so this is not a high priority
  • Oral works better for orgasms with ED issues making simultaneous more difficult. Simultaneous oral is not conducive to simultaneous orgasms since one tends to lose control and focus on their partner. Can be done, but not easy.
  • Great work. Thanks.
  • This is not important to us.  We like to enjoy the sensory pleasure of our spouse’s orgasm, and if we are consumed by our own, that would be missed.
  • sex is great when we orgasm orally together
  • Occasionally we don’t orgasm simultaneously but mostly do
  • It’s awesome! Highly recommended!
  • its cool but not something we aim for.
  • Spouse has a low sex drive so simultaneous orgasm is virtually impossible
  • My wife only orgasms from manual stimulation. Would love to learn how to orgasm from PIV sex
  • Practice, My wife tells me to wait while she touches herself.  I encourage her with some light dirty talk.  I watch it build.  Then she tells me to go.  Best when in hotel or house is devoid of children.  Then we exploxd.  The vaginal contractions are incredible.
  • Not as frequently as I’ve grown older. Simultaneous used to be nearly every time. It came easily for us.
  • We used to Orgasm simultainously years ago, but haven’t for years
  • Well worth the practice!
  • ED cuts out PIV orgasms most of the time now, but manual stimulation makes up for it.
  • As we have grown older, simultaneous orgasms have been much more difficult to experience.
  • Quite often I delay too long and she will orgasm before me and I neef another few minutes if I can manage it at all
  • My wife is low drive and doesn’t always want to spend the time it may take to arrive at orgasm for herself and would like it if I did not delay. For 1/2 of our love making times she is not interested in an orgasm so there is no thought to being simultaneous. We both do like it when we orgasm at the same time, but if she is near (usually from oral) I don’t want to stop as the transition to intercourse can be enough of a change/delay to defeat her obtaining an orgasm.
  • My wife had never orgasmed till our 43 year of marriage, after involving a therapist to counsel with us both.
  • Sex for us is working her up. I’m quick. She knows when she’s ready and hops on top. It’s usually pretty easy from there.
    I don’t even know how to make her orgasm at this point, but it hasn’t been from lack of trying over the past 22 yrs
  • Fun when it works but not essential
  • When we were first married, we thought it was a goal we needed to reach. Then we learned other ways to reach Os. In our 70s it’s still great when we can reach it together!
  • It’s usually not planned, it’s more like
    -“are you getting close?”
    -“yup”
    -“ok me too”
  • And then we try to time it to be simultaneous or somewhat close.
  • Not sure we’re your ideal couple… she has zero interest in sex and would rather I “just do what you need to do to take care of yourself, don’t worry about me” in her words.
  • The best way to cum and a blessing when it is simultaneous.
  • I didn’t put anything down for oral stimulation because we don’t do that… And manual stimulation is rare.
  • It’s nice but you can’t really plan for it and you can’t force it to happen, so when it seems like all the stars have lined up and simultaneous orgasm is possible, we go for it.  It happens maybe once or twice a month.  We have sex about 15 times per month.
  • My wife and I discovered she had vaginismus when we were married, and one of the biggest tools after the necessary physical therapy that helped her get to the point that she could enjoy intercourse was a vibrator. There is still some soreness and pain without the vibrator, so we use one 99% of the time during intercourse – it makes my job a little easier overall and without it I highly doubt we would orgasm together without much more deliberate focus and planning!
  • Practice Practice Practice!  😉
  • Usually, in our relationship, I make sure my wife climaxes first, then i climax. Climaxing at the same time is nice, but isn’t really that important to us.
  • Not really something we ever try; I usually let her orgasm, and then I go.
  • I am fortunate to have a spouse who can reach orgasm. I usually take my time to get us both aroused, but sometimes she likes a quickie which also results in orgasms for both of us.  Most orgasms are PIV only, but a few times she has masturbated to orgasm while I watch and/or with my help, then I will enter her and give her a second orgasm.
  • We’ve never felt the need to have simultaneous orgasm. Sometimes it happens, but not a focus in our lovemaking.
  • It has happened a few time in our life, but we’ve never made it a priority.
  • The coveted mutual orgasm. We have worked and worked on this but even with tons of foreplay my wife seems to really only be able to orgasm externally. We would love to find the secret way to make this work.
  • This started off being something my wife just thought everyone did, and I had no experience other than random good timing once in a great while.  With a lot of talking and practice it has become our ‘normal’ – and occurs most of the time.  It is super-intense and I now prefer it to happen that way.
  • My orgasm is usually a trigger for my wife. We started out with the mindset of this being our goal but not in some driven, obsessive way. We have a mutual orgasm 98% of the time.
  • It’s mostly a mystery but I tried to answer the best I could
  • concentrating on orgams, simultaneous or otherwise, is placing emphasis on the wrong thing. sex need not be goal-oriented.
  • I lose all enthusiasm if I orgasm first and for that reason I make sure my wife orgasms first 100% of the time.
  • It’s tricky to get the timing right. She can only orgasm from oral. 69 works best for her orgasm similtaneous or not because his angle on her is best and it gives her something to distract her mind.
  • He orgasms best from man on top missionary so he can control the tempo.  It is difficult for him to orgasm from oral but it is very enjoyable when he can.  The rare simultaneous is exquisite just because it is so special. It is a rare bonding experience that we love.
  • My wife was very experienced with this skill and she taught me how much fun it is!  She is also the one who does the most work to be sure it happens, because she has far more control over when she orgasms than I do.  It takes teamwork, verbal talking and knowing each other’s bodies to do it.  Many say it’s not worth the effort, and I used to be one of them, but I was wrong.  There is something extremely intimate and special about ‘coming together’.  It is a great bonding experience!!
  • Orgasming together makes the pleasure better, but my wife and I agree that the very best part is experiencing the moment together.
  • I wish we could simultaneously orgasm far more often than we do. For me it’s the ultimate intimacy experience.
  • I love it when we can cum together. But, I have always had pre-mature ejaculation issues and often cum before her.
  • Great when it happens but I usually come first.
  • It’s fun to do it together. My priority is her first and if her second one is simultaneously with mine, great! If not, at least we both orgasmed. That’s most important in my opinion.
  • We’ve been through a lot together, and simultaneous orgasms really aren’t that important. What is, is that we both know we are cherished and deeply loved.
  • We just like to be with each other sexually and to mutually satisfy each other. I usually orgasm before her anyway. I can delay though for her but I will make her orgasm through oral as well.
  • Some time one of us focuses  on the other to get them to orgasm. The the next time we have sex it is the other person’s turn.
  • Wife does not orgasm all the time and has difficulty having them, I work on her first usually
  • Usually we have to get her close by me performing Oral on her. When she’s nearly there, the switch to penetration in CAT missionary will get her there about the same time I do. Her orgasm is more elusive and we really only try for it those times we both happen to be really close.
  • Last question, the answer is we quit trying.
  • Hardly ever have sex so it’s a bit hard to orgasm together.
  • My wife NEVER orgasms. Not once
  • It has only happened a few times and only late in our young marriage. It requires me (the man) to have already had an orgasm so I can go for longer the second time (Long enough for her to orgasm from penetration). If she has already had an orgasm she is too sensitive to climax for a long while and it can’t happen.
  • Mutual pleasure greater importance than to much stress to reach mutual orgasm.
  • There is sometimes a frustration that one or the other of us has when we haven’t orgasmed together; it’s the frustration of being through but needing to pleasure the other person so they can orgasm too. If I haven’t orgasmed yet then my passion and enthusiasm for my wife’s orgasm is really strong, but once I orgasm that passion and energy dramatically decreases. I have perceived that it is the same for her if she has orgasmed first. Usually our lovemaking includes quite a bit of manual and oral stimulation for her for the first half or more, and very little stimulation for me. She might fondle me a little, but most of my stimulation comes from actual intercourse, and as a result of waiting to stimulate myself we are often able to orgasm within a minute or two of each other. What happens more often than anything is that we roll over from missionary to her being on top, she orgasms from rubbing her clitoris on my pubic bone, and then she puts her legs up beside me and lifts her hips to let me thrust until I come (apparently lifting her hips helps reduce the intensity on her clitoris). The other position that we orgasm in any proximity to each other is from behind. She’ll lay on her belly and I’ll enter her from behind and rub her clitoris by putting my hand underneath her from the side. I have to pull out once or twice in that position or else I’ll orgasm before her. Once she’s orgasmed I stop manually stimulating her and climax myself from thrusting. If we do anything but those positions to climax then it’s usually a longer time between. Sometimes I won’t pull out and slow my climax early enough and I’ll orgasm before her. If that happens then we use a vibrator or manual stimulation. That’s when I feel the loss of passion, and sometimes I even have an endurance problem—my wrist or hand will get tired of rubbing or holding the vibrator for her. I don’t think she knows about my loss of passion—I try to hide it and keep the affection up so she feels like I’m present still.
  • Simultaneous orgasm requires mutual masturbation prior to intercourse to get us both to the same level of arousal.
  • It’s very rare for us – less than once per year, but that doesn’t matter. Neither of us expect it and our sex life is great otherwise. It’s just a nice bonus.
  • She has decided to be non-orgasmic
  • It’s not that great, and tricky to pull off – but when it works, it’s fun.
  • This isn’t something that seems important most of the time though it’s cool if it happens.
  • I love when we orgasm together. It takes some planning and coordinating, but if I don’t pre-mature ejaculate, which often happens, we can often cum together.
  • Usually, it’s her 2nd or more that we are simultaneous. But sometimes, just “quickies”. It is fun and enjoyable, but not that big of a deal to her and once I stopped identifying with them , they happened more often.
  • It’s never really been important to us. If she wants an orgasm, she’ll tell me, then we’ll get her there. Then I tell my turn. Simultaneous orgasm isn’t as good for me as when we can focus on each orgasm separately.
  • I’m afraid that if we did focus on that, a significant portion of the time, it would end up in me having an orgasm before she did, because when simultaneous orgasms do happen, it’s because I’m usually right on the edge of orgasm and am trying to make hers happen.We use toys on a fairly regular basis, this helps with the time difference in how long we each take to reach climax.  I’ll generally start working on her before we get around to me.
  • Thanks for your work.
  • We don’t usually go for simultaneous orgasms through intercourse because it is fairly difficult for my wife to orgasm through intercourse, but she orgasms every time in the position that I described above, so we usually go for that. Sometimes when she’s in that position she will do manual or oral stimulation and we will orgasm at the same time
  • I usually try to hold off until she goes since that’s the biggest  variable, her excitement usually pushes me over the edge immediately after if not during.  I don’t mind going after her, the physical pleasure is stronger.  Going with her is fine too, the pleasure isn’t as intense but the emotional connection is stronger.
  • We’ve talked about simultaneous orgasms but we’ve never really tried because neither one of us sees the appeal. My wife orgasms almost every time we have sex and often has multiple orgasms. I almost always orgasm after she does. This works well for us.
  • We tried this at first, then have up. Not really a goal now.  But i think it would happen more if she were more open to exploring.
    Wife has no interest in sex. All sex is a sacrifice from her for me. A few times a year,  she will let me give her an orgasm, but it takes a lot time and work.
  • 1st off, this has only ever happened a handful of times in our marriage. So it was hard to know exactly how to answer a lot of these questions.
  • Wife is still pre-orgasmic. Not sure this will be a regular goal even once she starts experiencing orgasms, though it may be nice occasionally.
    We use a vibrator to more consistently get her where she can orgasm
  • What worked best for us is the womanizer toy, her bent over the bed with one leg propped up with her using the toy while enter from behind standing on the floor behind her.  Many many multiple orgasms for her, it’s revolutionized our sex life.
  • I feel like I’m in bizzaro world sometimes.  It takes me, the man, more time and stimulation to have an orgasm than my wife.  She is so easy I worry about having a decent orgasm myself.  Her ease of orgasming almost always assures she has (another) one when I do..
  • This survey provoked me to ask some questions in regards to my wife’s orgasmic experiences!
  • Wife had surgery removing Uterous due to prolaspe. This changed everything for us. Up until that point it was automatic, Everytime by intercourse only. Now in order for us to accomplish this we must use a vibrator on her clitoris while having intercourse and we must communicate most of the time.
  • We don’t try to orgasm simultaneously. Sometimes it just happens. I’m able to experience and  enjoy my wife’s orgasm more if I’m not caught up and “busy” with my own.
  • It is the ultimate expression of love!
  • It has only happed once or twice in 20 years.  Manual stimulation if main way wife orgasms so simulatanious orgasm when having intercourse only happens when the star shows align. We have a great sex life no complaints!
  • It’s worth the effort
  • As a man I’ve always tried to take care of my wife’s desires first knowing that I can orgasm just about anytime.
  • Spouse almost always needs manual stimulation or vibrator but often this can help time the orgasm.
  • We do not always orgasm simultaneously but we certainly and when we do it is very intimate and draws us very close.
  • Wasn’t sure if the questions on minutes to orgasm was just intercourse or included foreplay (light, heavy,?). Guesstimated the time from start of purposeful foreplay to orgasm.
  • CAT technique makes it easier
  • Wife definitely prefers it to be simultaneous, and it is better that way because she is so much more into it. The downside is it is mostly on me to control myself, read her signals, get her to the edge, etc. Sometimes the extra work takes away a little from my experience, as opposed to just being able to ‘let myself go’
  • We can orgasm simultaneously at will – even in our late 60s. However, we now enjoy bringing each other to orgasm in an all out focused manner – first her then me.
  • My wife is capable of multiple orgasms, therefore if she has had an oral orgasm first quite often she will have another while I am building up to mine and then a big one during mine.
  • it was more important earlier in our marriage- we prefer her to O after mine now- oral after intercourse.
  • We use a vibe on her…
  • Requires man’s manual stimulation of wife during penetration
  • This is just not for everyone, it’s just for some lucky couples. Fact of life.
  • This has happened maybe 5 or 6 times in 32 years. It’s great when it happens, but it’s not something we set as a goal.
  • The simultaneous orgasm is often a multiple orgasm for my wife. She’s usually orgasmed already and then does again through a combination of penetration and clitoral stimulation. I then finish while she’s at her peak.
  • to achieve simutaneously orgasm I get my wife to orgasm first then we can orgasm together.  She can often have multiple orgasm.
  • It’s usually doggy with her taking care of herself while I hold out as best I can until she gets there.
  • While simultaneous is fun and feels good, we don’t view it as a goal for every time we have sex.  If it happens great, of not we still have a great time.
  • It seems a little elusive for my wife and I to orgasm simultaneously.
  • Orgasms are awesome
  • She allows me to go down on her until she’s close to orgasm; she tells me when she’s ready for me to enter and I do.  Then when she comes, I come and it’s great!  It doesn’t happen often, sometimes she can’t orgasm and let’s me finish inside her.  It’s often hard for me to keep from coming before I enter her since I enjoy her getting warmed up.  Practice makes perfect!
  • We would like to every time we have sex. But, it usually doesn’t work out now that we are older. I’m just glad to have an erection.
  • i would love to orgasm at the same time, but my spouse wont try new things to make it happen.
  • Simultaneous orgasms are cosmic, but elusive.
  • My wife can orgasm via intercourse and I think it is key thing to simultaneous orgasm. We have the rule “ladies first”. When I catch the signal that she is comming it is up to me to join to her. Sometimes I get it, sometimes don’t.
  • It’s tough, I think, especially from a man’s perspective. Even though I’m 41 and we’ve been married 20 years, I still orgasm VERY quickly. I feel like a teenager every time we have sex. I’ve even orgasmed while giving her oral, without any stimulation from her. I just love sex with her that much! But it feels like it takes here a really long time to orgasm. We’ve talked about it many times and part of my problem is that she is more intent on getting me to orgasm then she is herself. I wish she would focus on herself and let me try and control things on my side but she is almost of the position that it’s her job to make me orgasm, at her expense! I wish I could change her mind on this, but I have yet to do so!
  • You didn’t ask about how often we go simultaneously when we try to. When we try to, it’s most of the time. The reason I rated so low above was because our “normal” is for her to go first. Then me. It’s also difficult for me to answer how long it takes me to orgasm because I’ll spend 20-30 minutes just focused on her.  I would have also liked a “we don’t try this” for some of the questions.
  • Use condoms, delay creams, pills to slow down my orgasm
  • On the rare instances we do orgasm simultaneously it just happens. Usually because I’m holding my orgasm back as long as possible and then release it when she does because I can’t hold it back anymore. But usually I orgasm right after my wife does.
  • We’re still at the point where we’re working on getting my wife to the point she can have orgasms more frequently. Once that’s better, I’m sure we can move on to simultaneous orgasms.
    Wife has never had an orgasm
  • We don’t think we’ve always orgasmed together, but we have now for many, many years.  It’s like our genitalia/bodies sense each other and bring each other to orgasm.  There are times when I don’t feel close to climax, but then I sense my wife getting very close and suddenly i’m right there with her.  Typically, if we don’t climax together, she has either climaxed slightly before me or has “fallen off” as she says, and won’t climax that time.
  • It is nice to do it but not required for good sex
  • I wish I could get my wife relaxed enough to orgasm in the first place.
  • I’m not sure what you mean by “on commmand”, so I answered the best I could.
  • Most above answers are misleading. We don’t try for simultaneous, but frequently when my wife has come 7-8 times and she says “you go ahead and come,” when I’m pumping to finish off, she’ll suddenly come again just as I am starting to squirt.
  • My wife tells me she does not enjoy sex. It’s not a biological problem but psychological. I have given her money to see a psychologist, she attend a few sessions but she has now stopped. Last month we almost finished the whole month having sex on a daily basis. That was the perfect time of our marriage.
  • 9/10 we both orgasm with sex, but rarely simultaneously.
  • love your site. just found it. sent link to wife. now we are talking. thank you.
  • I almost always make sure she orgasms first as it’s hard for her to reach climax  She enjoys the feeling of my thrusting and ejaculation after her orgasm, so that’s our normal way of making love: that way we can both fully enjoy our sensations without having to coordinate with the other.
  • Not  a big deal to us if it happens simultaneously or not.
  • It was a point of concern early in our marriage. We’ve learned to embrace the fact that this is just not important to us.
  • During man on top intercourse, I edge myself by thrusting slowly while I stimulate her clit with my fingers. I watch her body language, mostly feeling the tenseness  of her abs, to know when she is orgasming. I pretty much do all the work for both our orgasms
  • Toy use in our relationship has helped us understand and activate her orgasm more. When we use the toy she orgasms and she also does oral to bring me to the brink of orgasm. Then when we have sex it lasts longer and we orgams together. This has made our relationship stronger and sex better.
  • For us, we cant go from 0 to 60 in a short time, I love going down on my wife so we both take advantage off that.  I like to see her orgasam a couple of times (seeing her orgasam is a huge turn on), sometimes more, (I try to listen to her body and meet its needs,there are times that she says she’s good but her boby gives out a different vibe ) before we have intercourse.  By then she is usually so sensitive that I don’t have to worry about reciting the abc’s backwards 😉 and we can go together. I feel more connected when we go together.  But thats just me.
    Bless you and keep up the good work 😊
  • I (man) try very hard not to orgasm until she is ready. This makes things worse for me. She needs to consentrate to orgasm. She does not like to cum first typically from oral and let me finish. Because once she’s cum she feels weird having sex. I’d rather let her have an orgasm and then I can have one. Because I cum so fast I end up not enjoying sex as much while I please her.
  • Simultaneous orgasm isn’t something we really worry about. We both worry more about whether the other has done so before we are completely done. Unfortunately, as a man (even one in his 40’s) I still have to be careful about not finishing before she does or I might not be able to satisfy her. I worry more about me finishing early than she does.
  • Look forward to the results
  • Mutual communion in this sacred experience is what we are after
  • 90% of the time are quickies with no expectation to orgasm together.
  • Early in our marriage, my wife indicated that she would not likely attain orgasm with intercourse.  I make sure that I provide her with the manual or oral stimulation required for her to finish first.  This takes anywhere from 2 to 10 minutes, which about 30% of the time includes multiples for her.  I am then more than ready, so do not last very long once it is my turn (through penetration).  We have talked about this, as I would like to be able to perform differently, but she states that she is perfectly happy with how we made this work for both of us during our 20 years of marriage.
  • I typically try to give my wife orgasm first, orally. Then when we do PIV, i’m not sure if she would want to go much longer, since she has already orgasmed, so I don’t have much incentive to try to last longer. Obviously I need to communicate better
  • It is too much work and takes away from the fun of sex.
  • With my PE it takes a lot of effort to get simultaneous orgasms. Our best technique is having the penis inserted but not moving, wife then uses her vibrator to get to her orgasm and I then join in with my orgasm.
  • Im so fast its not even a consideration. We more or less just take turns, if we have sex at all.
  • The time it takes to orgasm varies greatly for both of us and I really have no idea for either of us. That’s why I left those questions blank.
  • Simultaneous orgasms are not really a priority for us. I prefer to bring my wife to orgasm manually (more than once if possible) first before we even get into vaginal intercourse. Sometimes my wife is not in the mood for an orgasm or doesn’t care either way, and we focus on my orgasm. If I haven’t brought her to orgasm before intercourse, we will sometimes orgasm simultaneously, usually with my orgasm triggering hers.
  • My wife refuses any physical contact. We have not had sex for three years so none of the questions apply.
  • We don’t have sex because she says the Bible says sex is sinful

37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex

37 sex questions for spouses to ask each other

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