As with last week, I’m posting my responses to this week’s anonymous questions here on the blog so that those not on the weekly newsletter can read them, but also so people can start a discussion in the comments section below, if they feel so inclined.
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Question 1 – Why does lingerie matter?
Why does lingerie even matter? Like seriously- can men not be as equally excited about sweatpants? Chances are way higher that you’re gonna get some if you appreciate my sweatpants more than the $70 lingerie.
Now, I can’t speak for all men, but for myself, I love my wife in sweatpants, yoga pants, or anything like that. Naked is even better. To be honest, lingerie never did much for me. In our Facebook group Patreon for supporters, the wives chimed in and said that lingerie is more for them, that it makes them feel sexy.
That said, I think the idea of lingerie is that it shows you are being intentional about being erotic. It conveys confidence and sensuality / sexuality. For many men, knowing that their wife is being intentional about their sex life is arousing. And then there are some who are simply turned on by seeing their wife in lingerie, because of the aesthetic.
What concerns me though is when you say “chances are way higher…”. Is that the message you want to convey in your marriage? That when he reaches out to express his love through physical intimacy that he’s really gambling with his heart? This, will lead to feeling insecure in his belief that you love him, and tempt him to try another source of love where he’ll “get lucky” more often.
Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
– 1 Corinthians 7:5
Question 2 – Why haven’t you had sex in a while?
My husband and I have not had sex in a while he says his penis is to sore yet I caught him masturbating to porn.
Well, his penis is probably sore because he’s been masturbating. I’m not sure what else to contribute there without more info. The question I have is why haven’t you had sex in a while? If it’s because he’s addicted to porn and isn’t interested, then that’s an issue. If it’s because you’re gatekeeping or refusing, that’s another issue. Could be both, or it could be a host of other reasons.
Either way, sounds like you have need of some serious conversations to figure out what’s going on in your marriage. I’d start with asking why he feels the need to masturbate. Ask him what, from his perspective, is going on in your marriage that’s driving him away from you and towards porn. Ultimately, these situations are rarely the “fault” of one spouse, but rather both hold some responsibility in where the marriage has ended up. Then work together to solve the issues and make a plan.
I hope that helps.
If you have a question you’d like answered, feel free to fill out our anonymous form on the Have A Question page. Feel free to also comment below if you wish to discuss any of the above questions or answers.
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
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