SWM031 – How to help your husband be more assertive in bed

I have a lot of wives coming to me asking how to get their husband to be more assertive in bed.  The problem is, our society and culture have taught men to be more submissive, and take a back seat with regard to sex.  We’re either explicitly or implicitly taught that we should let the woman lead in the physical relationship.

The problem is that many married women don’t want that.  They want a husband who is assertive and confident, not waiting for his wife to make the first move and anxious.

So, this podcast is about how to help your husband to be more assertive in the bedroom, because while I can tell men all day to be more confident, the truth is, a lot of it has to do with how his wife responds.

Give him more opportunities to be assertive, to lead, to be confident – Have sex more often, ask him what he wants, play “would you rather”.

Compliment him when he is more assertive – This will boost his confidence and make it more likely he’ll try again.

Don’t question his requests – unless there is a really good reason to.  Questions can be misinterpreted as a negative response.

Be enthusiastic – Lets him know he’s serving you well.  Don’t sigh, make faces, drag your feet or roll your eyes.

Have a good attitude – Smile, lean in

Be vocal – Give feedback, especially with what he’s doing well.  Phrase change requests as a positive.  Talk dirty (check out our guide here).  Ask him to speak up when he likes something you are doing.

Handle less than ideal situations with grade – Don’t tense up and push him away.  Find a way to adjust and melt into a new position if need be.  Be assertive yourself, show him what it looks like.

Talk about your expectations and turnons beforehandWrite an erotic story, tell him what you want “I think it would be hot if you …”, don’t know your turnons or boundaries?  Check out our Sexploration List.  Knowing what’s expected can ease anxiety.

Turn the lights on – It’s easier to be more confident when you aren’t fumbling in the dark.  Body image issues?  Wear a blindfold.

Talk about sex when you aren’t having it – What went well, what could make it every better – frame these as positive statements. “That was hot when you did ___.  I think it would be even hotter if you did ___.”

Take a lesson from improve – Respond to everything with “yes, and … ” never say “no” unless absolutely necessary.

Have more ideas, comment below!

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