This question came in a couple of weeks ago from our anonymous Have A Question page:
I love my spouse but what if i find myself wondering how it would be having sex with someone else. I lost my virginity to my husb and proud of it but what if I’m becoming “tired” of our sex. Or curious of what it’s like to be with another man?
I think this happens a lot in Christianity, but I don’t think many people are talking about it. I mean, we talk about affairs, but not about curiosity like this. So, I thought I’d take a stab at it, and then you can add your thoughts below.
Temptation is not sin
The first thing I want to say is that temptation does not equal sin. Jesus was tempted, and He was sinless, so I believe that’s pretty solid theology. Now, that said, while temptation is not sin, once you start entertaining those thoughts, now it begins to be one. We should not harbour thoughts of immoral behaviours. It gives them a foothold in our mind, it becomes normalized in our thoughts, and then rationalized. So, while I think it’s good to accept that this temptation is there, to dwell on it, fantasize and day dream about it, that is not profitable. It’s not good for your marriage, or your walk with God.
We want what we don’t have
We always want what we don’t have, don’t we? I’ve talked to many people who are incredulous that I’ve only ever had sex with one person in my entire life. They don’t understand it. But, after talking for a bit, they’re very curious.
I think they’d like to know what it’s like to have a clean slate. To have no sexual baggage from previous relationships. To have no one to compare to.
Too often I hear from spouses who lament that their husband or wife is not as good as a previous partner. That must be difficult to deal with, and I’m sorry for all those who have complicated sexual histories.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m better than you for not having them. I didn’t make it until marriage either … I just happened to marry the one I slipped with. To be honest, I didn’t get any other offers, so I was never tempted in that way.
My point is that we want what we don’t have. Or, at the very least, we’re curious about it.
When sex is boring and routine
And it’s hard to be content with what you have when it’s become a bit dull. When sex is on the same schedule, and you do the same foreplay while turns into the same position and we always orgasm the same way. Sex becomes … good.
Good is the enemy of great – James C. Collins (Good to Great)
But good isn’t enough, and we become complacent with good, then we start looking for something better. Our brain also doesn’t want to risk the good we have. So, it starts looking for solutions that wouldn’t upset the balance of what we have. I mean, how do you tell your husband or wife that sex has become … unexciting? So our brain starts fantasizing about what it would be like to be with someone else. It’s a fantasy, so the story line is truncated. We don’t worry about what it would do to our marriage, we don’t worry about how devastating it would be to our spiritual life. It’s just a snippet, so we can focus on only the exciting part: What if we could have sex with someone new? Someone with new moves and new sensations?
But, it’s not reality. Reality is that you’d destroy your relationship with your spouse, and in time, sex with this new person would become commonplace as well. The cycle would start over.
Make your sex life more exciting
The grass is always greener where you water it. Cultivate adventure in your own marriage. Make sex exciting again. How? Well, here’s a few ways:
- 37 Questions about sex for spouses to ask each other – This PDF is great for getting the conversation started. When you learn more about your spouse, what they like and desire, it might challenge your routines around sex and shake things up.
- Spice Jar – This printable contains 50 cards that you can put in a jar and randomly select each night for some sexual excitement. Part of the problem with familiarity is that it’s expected. The spice jar removes the expectation since you never know what activity is going to come up next. Plus, it might have a few that push your boundaries, which is also exciting.
- Truth or Dare – I create this game for fun. It’s a simple Truth or Dare game designed to get your arousal up and add some risk to your encounters. Everyone wants a little adventure in their bedroom, and there’s no adventure without a little risk. Don’t worry, none of the options depict anything immoral or illegal.
- Buy a new toy – If you’ve never had one before, one idea might be to buy your first adult toy. If you already have one, adding another type of toy might introduce another dimension to your lovemaking.
- Try a new activity – I’ve written about a few things on this blog that are a bit outside the norm. Bondage adds an interesting dynamic to sexual play. Looking for something different in the foreplay department? Try clitoral slapping. Want to add some tension? Try hair pulling. Not sure what to try? Maybe checkout our sexy coupon printable and just give the stack to your husband and say “surprise me”.
In short, stop looking elsewhere to solve your desire for something more exciting. Instead, change your marriage to make it adventurous again. Have a love affair with your spouse. That will improve your sex life without having to sacrifice in other areas.
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
Subscribe to get the 2 page PDF full of questions to help you and your spouse start to talk about your sex life.