This question came in a couple of weeks ago from our anonymous Have A Question page:
I love my spouse but what if i find myself wondering how it would be having sex with someone else. I lost my virginity to my husb and proud of it but what if I’m becoming “tired” of our sex. Or curious of what it’s like to be with another man?
I think this happens a lot in Christianity, but I don’t think many people are talking about it. I mean, we talk about affairs, but not about curiosity like this. So, I thought I’d take a stab at it, and then you can add your thoughts below.
Temptation is not sin
The first thing I want to say is that temptation does not equal sin. Jesus was tempted, and He was sinless, so I believe that’s pretty solid theology. Now, that said, while temptation is not sin, once you start entertaining those thoughts, now it begins to be one. We should not harbour thoughts of immoral behaviours. It gives them a foothold in our mind, it becomes normalized in our thoughts, and then rationalized. So, while I think it’s good to accept that this temptation is there, to dwell on it, fantasize and day dream about it, that is not profitable. It’s not good for your marriage, or your walk with God.
We want what we don’t have
We always want what we don’t have, don’t we? I’ve talked to many people who are incredulous that I’ve only ever had sex with one person in my entire life. They don’t understand it. But, after talking for a bit, they’re very curious.
I think they’d like to know what it’s like to have a clean slate. To have no sexual baggage from previous relationships. To have no one to compare to.
Too often I hear from spouses who lament that their husband or wife is not as good as a previous partner. That must be difficult to deal with, and I’m sorry for all those who have complicated sexual histories.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m better than you for not having them. I didn’t make it until marriage either … I just happened to marry the one I slipped with. To be honest, I didn’t get any other offers, so I was never tempted in that way.
My point is that we want what we don’t have. Or, at the very least, we’re curious about it.
When sex is boring and routine
And it’s hard to be content with what you have when it’s become a bit dull. When sex is on the same schedule, and you do the same foreplay while turns into the same position and we always orgasm the same way. Sex becomes … good.
Good is the enemy of great – James C. Collins (Good to Great)
But good isn’t enough, and we become complacent with good, then we start looking for something better. Our brain also doesn’t want to risk the good we have. So, it starts looking for solutions that wouldn’t upset the balance of what we have. I mean, how do you tell your husband or wife that sex has become … unexciting? So our brain starts fantasizing about what it would be like to be with someone else. It’s a fantasy, so the story line is truncated. We don’t worry about what it would do to our marriage, we don’t worry about how devastating it would be to our spiritual life. It’s just a snippet, so we can focus on only the exciting part: What if we could have sex with someone new? Someone with new moves and new sensations?
But, it’s not reality. Reality is that you’d destroy your relationship with your spouse, and in time, sex with this new person would become commonplace as well. The cycle would start over.
Make your sex life more exciting
The grass is always greener where you water it. Cultivate adventure in your own marriage. Make sex exciting again. How? Well, here’s a few ways:
- 37 Questions about sex for spouses to ask each other – This PDF is great for getting the conversation started. When you learn more about your spouse, what they like and desire, it might challenge your routines around sex and shake things up.
- Spice Jar – This printable contains 50 cards that you can put in a jar and randomly select each night for some sexual excitement. Part of the problem with familiarity is that it’s expected. The spice jar removes the expectation since you never know what activity is going to come up next. Plus, it might have a few that push your boundaries, which is also exciting.
- Truth or Dare – I create this game for fun. It’s a simple Truth or Dare game designed to get your arousal up and add some risk to your encounters. Everyone wants a little adventure in their bedroom, and there’s no adventure without a little risk. Don’t worry, none of the options depict anything immoral or illegal.
- Buy a new toy – If you’ve never had one before, one idea might be to buy your first adult toy. If you already have one, adding another type of toy might introduce another dimension to your lovemaking.
- Try a new activity – I’ve written about a few things on this blog that are a bit outside the norm. Bondage adds an interesting dynamic to sexual play. Looking for something different in the foreplay department? Try clitoral slapping. Want to add some tension? Try hair pulling. Not sure what to try? Maybe checkout our sexy coupon printable and just give the stack to your husband and say “surprise me”.
In short, stop looking elsewhere to solve your desire for something more exciting. Instead, change your marriage to make it adventurous again. Have a love affair with your spouse. That will improve your sex life without having to sacrifice in other areas.
11 thoughts on “Curious about being with someone else”
Agree! It’s actually normal to have those thoughts of what would it be like to be with someone else. I think it’s kind of like the same thoughts of what would it be like to have a different life. Totally not ok to entertain those thoughts. Refocus those thoughts to your spouse.
I agree with turning your attention inwards toward your marriage and find ways to fulfill your desires with your husband. Try something new like an adult board game (we carry several at MarriedDance). Keelie at lovehopeadventure.com has a bunch of free printable games that can open communication and help spice things up. You can also try new sex positions at ChristianFriendlySexPositions.com, or learn some new techniques at marriagebedtips.com.
Last and certainly not least, pray about it and ask God for help.
We have spiced up our sex life after over 20 years, and it is great. Now it is still vanilla for the most part. but the anticipation of more adventure in the future keeps us excited. I think being tempted about sex with another person is common, But, I also fantasize about the tangled web of deceit, lying, secrets, jealousies, loss of a wife, financial losses, children’s contempt, loss of credibility at church, loss of a job, having to move if caught, etc. So, I keep my thoughts on my wife as best as possible (actually it is not that hard.).,
I am someone who actually acted on those thoughts after years of thinking I didn’t have what would bring me fulfillment. I wanted a certain body and a certain response from my partner that I didn’t have at home. It finally happened after 35+ years of marriage. I thought it was something I always had missed and it was wonderful. For a few months. Then it got routine. Then the affair came out and I had to make a choice. After repentance and couples therapy and a fight to change (myself) I found the best sex was always at home to begin with. The problem was in myself and my sin. If you are having these thoughts don’t act on them. Do what you need to to protect your marriage and your spouse. Seek counseling if you can’t work it out together. Thankfully my marriage is back on track but I paid a huge price and caused a lot of hurt.
My hubby and I have actually talked about this to some extent but we decided to be a little more realistic about what that would actually be like. We ended the conversation saying we’d better die together or in really old age so we don’t have to get remarried and learn how to have sex with someone new, especially having been married with a pretty great sex life so far. We are only 10 years in and realize we have only scratched the surface of our sexuality; starting again sounds absolutely awful to me, *especially* after having established that foundation with someone else. This really takes away all appeal of this temptation to me.
I have these thoughts often, my wife is happy with little sex and has zero interest in doing anything new. just lay there and hope it ends soon. My hope for the future is grim. I have asked, pleaded, texted, got angry, threatened to walk nothing changes
Sorry for your sex life. At least you have some sex with your wife. We had a sexless life for over 20 years. That is no sex at all, not just 10 times a year, we had none. But, now things are different, better, good, and great. I prayed about it, asked for counsel, received some good advice from Jay Dee and it worked. Don’t give up. There is always hope and an answer to your dilemma.
All good comments here. Temptation is usually never about just the sin itself – it is far more reaching than that. Both the immediate and long term come into play.
Allow me to give you an example: Jesus being tempted to eat bread after 40 days of fasting. Yes, there is the immediate temptation to eat …but… if Jesus had done that, he would not only have sinned immediately (small)….but MORE importantly that would have caused Him to no longer be sinless (HUGE) bec/ then He would then have never been able to offer Himself as an unblemished sacrifice, therefore we would NEVER have salvation and be hopeless.
The enemy loves the immediate because then it offers up the more damaging long term collateral damage that things can cause. One might have a one time affair and for the moment let’s say it goes undiscovered. One and done. Repent and move on. But the lingering effects of guilt, hiding, shame etc can last forever. Or maybe it does come to light – the immediate damage (loss of marriage and the shambles of a breakup) are right there.
If ever tempted to have an affair or a 3-some, simply Google “I had an affair and regretted it” or “I had a 3-some and regretted it” or similar and read the horror stories. The fantasy of sin is ALWAYS better than the reality of sin.
Interesting that if you search for “affair” or “threesome” … the results will be very different than if you google the same along with “regret”. Funny, but that is how this world works.
For what it’s worth, this is what helps me with every temptation no matter the type: I have asked the Holy Spirit to help me for that one split second realize that a temptation has come upon me (sometimes I am just too dumb to realize it or too distracted, etc….it could be any # of things) and give me that second or 2 of clarity to understand that I have just entered spiritual warfare and need to man up (or woman up as the case may be). That gives me enough pause and breathing room to collect myself, understand what is happening and make a more informed decision.
Do I always make the right choice? No, I am human (darn!) BUT I usually am better with my decision the next time around. More importantly…..over time many good decisions link up and make a nice strong chain that does not break easily.
If I may, here is a link to an excellent video sermon about temptation that goes much deeper than I am able to do here. I do not attend this church but find their “digital church” to be very helpful in my walk with Jesus.
I can say that after 23 years of marriage sex with my wife is nice, pleasant, satisfying but not exciting. We have tried most suggestions for slicing it up – some had a little positive impact (like sexting and sex toys) but others were either neutral (like different positions, different locations) or even awkward and kitschy (board games). I have asked my wife whether she is satisfied or wants anything more or different and her answer is always that she’s happy with what we have and doesn’t ever really think about it.
Regardless of the intervention used, my experience is that things seem to quickly settle down and the excitement of the new intervention fades and quickly becomes the new normal.
I feel blessed with what we have when I hear about sexless marriages but I am not hopeful that it will ever be “exciting” in any sustainable way.
I find having a rotation of different activities helps. That way you aren’t always doing the same thing, it can be months before repeating something, so, it feels fresh again.
Thanks yes that makes sense. I’m arguing that there is a distinction between “fresh” and “excitement”. Different techniques, venues and toys have brought freshness to our sex life but definitely not excitement. Is anyone else’s experience similar?