Yesterday I wrote against using fantasy while having sex. In it I promised that I’d write a post on how to be more mindful during sex. Here are thirteen ways that you can be more present during sex. I hope it will help you adjust to being “in the now” during sex rather than escaping to fantasy.
1. Practice being mindful at other times
Being mindful is a skill that isn’t just about sex. Studies show that learning to be more mindful in other areas of life can help you be more present during sex as well.
So, here’s a common exercise to help you learn to be more mindful that you can do anywhere.
For two minutes every day, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. That’s it. Just spend two minutes thinking “Breathe in, breathe out”. Follow the sensations of your lungs filling and emptying. Listen to the sound, how the air feels as it moves through you.
When stray thoughts come, acknowledge that they are stray thoughts and return your focus. Don’t get upset, it’s not a bad thing to have a stray thought. It’s normal. Just recognize that it’s not what you want to focus in now, and go back to your breathing.
That’s it. Two minutes a day. Try it for a month.
2. Meditative prayer
I know, people get a but weird when you talk about prayer and sex together. I think God wants you to have a great sex life with your spouse. So, here’s what you can do.
As with the exercise above, block off some time to pray for your physical relation with your spouse. Start small, a couple of minutes each day. Again, recognize when your mind drifts, and refocus. This will also help you learn to be more mindful. It will also help dispel any negative feelings that sex is sinful or wrong. Those misplaced beliefs can contribute to “checking out” during sex to avoid feeling guilty.
2. Focus on the sensations
During sex, think about what every part of your body is feeling. Warmth, cold, friction, rubbing, pleasure, etc. Just go through the different sensations and focus on them. Don’t try to judge the feelings, or wonder if you should be enjoying them. Just acknowledge what you’re feeling.
Learn to recognize and experience pleasurable sensations without judging them.
*I’m not saying “If it feels good, anything goes”. Likely you’ve done this activity a hundred times before. You don’t need to judge its morality again this time around.
4. Focus on what you, or your spouse, are doing
Narrate the story of your sex session. Many women find this particularly helpful. You don’t have to speak, just keep in internal. Start simple:
He’s rubbing my feet, that feels nice. Now my calves, that feels good. Up to my thighs and …, oh, that feels good.
and so on. Keep narrating through the changes. It can help sync your body and mind keeping you more present.
5. Talk during sex
If you want to take the previous one to the next level, then try out some bedroom talk. Not sure how? Check out our guide.
You can’t check out while your talking. It just doesn’t work.
6. Pay attention to your partner
If you tend to drift off while your spouse is doing things to you, then change the dynamic. Switch it up and be the aggressor. Start focusing on giving your spouse pleasure instead. It’s hard to check out while your taking an active role. Watching for body language, making minor adjustments, trying to get the most pleasure for your spouse requires focus.
7. Change what your doing
If you’re noticing that your mind keeps drifting, try changing up the position or activity. A change forces our brain to refocus and mind give you that extra edge you need to stay present.
8. Limit distractions
Shut off music so your mind doesn’t attach to it. Turn the lights off if you’re worried about how you look. Clean up your bedroom if your mind drifts to laundry. Get rid of anything that steals your focus during sex.
9. Focus on the visuals
If body image isn’t a huge distraction during sex, increase the visuals. This engages another part of the mind and anchors it to what’s going on. Turn in the lights or light candles if you’re scared of how you look. Candle light is more forgiving than light-bulbs. Have sex in from of a mirror to give even more visuals. Our brains tend to focus on images of people having sex, even if it’s ourselves.
10. Give yourself time to warm up
Fantasy is a common shortcut to arousal, but it’s like going down a dark alley, or hitching a ride from a stranger. It might get you there faster, but it’s not safe.
Slow down, take the time to get properly aroused. Figure out what you need to get turned on enough naturally.
11. Be more engaged
Take a more active role in your live making. Wives in particular have admitted that they can become “lazy lovers” in marriage.
Learn how to be more sexually engaged and I guarantee you’ll find it’s easier to be more present.
12. Accept that your mind might wander
It happens, and it’s normal. Don’t get upset or frustrated. Like the mindfulness activity above, just notice the stray thought, and let it go.
Imagine it as a weed in your garden. Pull it out, and replace it with a thought you’d rather have there.
13. Recognize the choice and choose appropriately
When you find yourself checking out, getting distracted, or fantasizing, recognize the choice in front of you.
Would I rather be planning my grocery shopping, or making love to my spouse?
Would I rather be having a fantasy that I can’t touch or directly experience, or focus on this warm body that loves me?
Would I rather be watching mental porn, which will damage my relationship, or be more sexually engaged, which will strengthen my relationship?
Then choose appropriately.
Find what works for you
There you go, thirteen ways to stay focused during sex for those who are struggling with this. Pick one to try out at a time, and see what works. Then come back and let us know which ones work for you!
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Thank you for these articles! They are very helpful!
You’re very welcome. Thank you for the excellent questions!
When my wife and I are together, I often begin by having a dual conversation – both with my wife (whatever compliment is most appropriate at that particular moment/stage) and also with God. It is a prayerful and thankful approach to lovemaking and intimacy all at the same time.
Example: when I first behold my naked wife before me, I am very grateful and let her know that and also how beautiful she is to me and at the same time, I open up conversation with the Lord (not outloud!) about how beautiful she is and what a wonderful creation of His handiwork that I have before me.
I think of how the intimacy that I have with her is so similar to the spiritual intimacy that I have with Him – the openness, being “naked” before Him, the wonderful sense of trust and communion. This has helped me greatly in the area of temptation btw – you can never get all the sexual “history” that you share with your spouse from a picture or video or a strange body. I call it my prayerful / worshipful approach to lovemaking.
Another example: when I hold her breasts in my hands, while telling her how beautiful they are to me, I remark to the Lord what a wonderful handiwork that He made these especially just for me, how grateful I am that He did that….it takes lovemaking to a whole new level, a very spiritual and erotic experience. It makes me want to please her in the way that pleases her the most for the reason that I want to bring her to the point of most enjoyment both for her sake … and as an act of grateful worship to God, acknowledging His wonderous and beautiful and mysterious ways.
I think of it like “saying grace” before, during and after sex.
If I am ever tempted, which I am, I have learned to recall how wonderful and beautiful and satisfying my time with my wife is and that I could NEVER get that from anything or anyone else. It’s like the difference between a Godiva chocolate and a cheap piece of stale candy from a bargain store. No comparison.
I believe that God allows us to have that level of intimacy with another person to parallel our intimacy with Him.
…..and I am very grateful for that.
BTW I have never told my wife about this, it’s just something I share with the Lord, just Him and me – a little quiet time in the middle of some other intimacy. It’s a wonderful blend. Especially when I am performing oral on her. It helps me stay very focused on bringing her pleasure with a focus on the way that she likes it. As I am a bit older, it also helps me stay aroused without any Rx assistance.
And no, I don’t do it all the way through. I am human and the physical connection does take over at some point, but there is a wonderfulness of being thankful when your partner is right in front of you.
I think the best of way of putting it is “It’s like “saying grace” before, during and after sex”
Try it, you’ll like it!
Wonderful advice! Thank you so much for sharing. I will definitely put this to use!
This is great advice, JD, but it only works if your spouse is willing to help you put in the time and effort. I use fantasy to “get there” stronger and faster because that’s what he wants. He won’t give me foreplay, or oral or manual, or take time much beyond 15 to 20 minutes of actual intercourse to help me climax. We have talked about it, argued about it, but he has drawn a line in the sand and basically told me to figure it out.
I keep my fantasies about him and what I would like him to do to me. He used to be a bit more adventerous, so I am not totally replacing him with a look alike fictional man. I also quit the fantasy and open my eyes to look at him just as I climax to at least keep that together and present.
There are times I forgo my climax all together so I don’t fantasize, and can practice being present and mindful. I try to build up so I don’t need so much of my mind to climax.